America's Funniest Home Videos   View more episodes

Aired at 10:00 AM on Friday, Dec 31, 2010 (12/31/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02This happens to a lot of newlyweds.
00:00:04As soon as they tie the knot, they go into a cocoon.
00:00:21[ Laughter ] apparently, god didn't approve of them living together before they got married.
00:00:37[ Cheering and whistling ] it's still in there! I can feel it!
00:00:51If she's the maid of hon, I don't want to see what the maid ofdishonorhas to do.
00:01:09[ Cheers and applause ] now, I want to just go back to that first bride and groom.
00:01:16When the groom threw up, the bride thought that was hilarious.
00:01:20I wonder how funny she thought it was when the minister said, "you may now kiss " not so funny then.
00:01:26We have a kid coming up in this next clip whom we love here at "afv," and it's gonna be clear why.
00:01:33He has just been told by his mom that "afv" isn't on television tonight, and this is how he reacts.
00:01:41Woman: No, I don't think it's coming on tonight.
00:01:44[ Cries ] NO, NOT!
00:01:46It's not coming on tonight.
00:01:48[ Cries ] it's not my fault it's not coming on.
00:01:54[ Cries ] I don't think it's coming on tonight.
00:01:58[ Screams ] okay, maybe it will be.
00:02:01Do you want to watch it?
00:02:03What do you want to watch?
00:02:05" why do you want to watch them?
00:02:08Because I like it.
00:02:10You like it?
00:02:13I don't think they're coming on, though.
00:02:15[ Cries ] UH-HUH!
00:02:21[ Cheers and applause ] okay.
00:02:24Kid has taste.
00:02:26[ Chuckles ] a lot of my women friends tell me there are no good single men out there, so, just as an experiment, we went looking through our tape library, which goes back over a dozen years, and you know what? they're right.
00:02:41Woman: ♪♪ Don't want no secret agent ♪♪
00:02:46♪♪ don't want no long cadillac ♪♪
00:02:50♪♪ don't want nobody with no problems ♪♪
00:02:55♪♪ I don't need a man with a monkey on his back ♪♪
00:02:58♪♪ I want a real man ♪♪
00:03:03♪♪ I said a real man ♪♪
00:03:08♪♪ I need a real man ♪♪
00:03:12♪♪ ain't messin' with no toys ♪♪
00:03:15♪♪ don't need no paperboys ♪♪
00:03:17♪♪ don't want no million dollars ♪♪
00:03:22♪♪ I don't need no diamond ring ♪♪
00:03:25♪♪ you can twist and shout or knock yourself out ♪♪
00:03:30♪♪ don't care about material things ♪♪
00:03:34♪♪ I want a real man ♪♪
00:03:38♪♪ I need a real man ♪♪
00:03:43♪♪ I want a real man ♪♪
00:03:47♪♪ I said a real man ♪♪
00:03:52♪♪ I want a real man ♪♪
00:03:56♪♪ I want a real man ♪♪
00:03:58now, I know you've seen thoseads on late-night tv on how you can make money inyour but this one is legitimate.
00:04:05If you'd like to win $10,000 oreven $100,000, the first step is to send usyour funny or amazing tapes.
00:04:10Actually, that could bethe only step you have to take.
00:04:13We'll do the rest by showingthat tape to millions, --maybe sending you a fat check.
00:04:24And for full contest rules, JUST LOG ON TO,KEYWORD "AFV," Or write this address,but don't do it for the money.
00:04:31Do it to keep americalaughing.
00:04:46Owww! can watch "AFV".
00:04:50And now you can watch it five times a week.
00:04:53Join Tom Bergeron for all the fun and surprises...
00:04:57on "America's Funniest Home Videos".
00:04:59- [horse neighs] - Aah!
00:05:36How are you doing?
00:05:38Hi, evelyn.
00:05:38I know it's been a difficult time since your mom passed away.
00:05:41Yeah. I miss her a lot, but I'm okay.
00:05:45Wow. that was fast.
00:05:47This is the check I've been waiting for.
00:05:48Mom had a guaranteed acceptance life insurance policy through the colonial penn program, and this will really help with the cost of her final expens.
00:05:57They have been so helpful and supportive during this time.
00:05:59Maybeishouldgive them a call.
00:06:01I really could usesome more life insurance.
00:06:05Is it affordable?
00:06:05It costs lesst that's prettyaffordable, huh?
00:06:09Less than 35 cents a day?
00:06:11That's less than the costof a postage stamp.
00:06:14So, you said it wasguaranteedacceptance?
00:06:16 it's permanent coveragewith guaranteed acceptance for people ages 50 to 85.
00:06:22There's no medical examor health questions.
00:06:25You can't be turned downbecause of your health.
00:06:27It fit rightinto mom's budget and gave heradded peace of mind.
00:06:31You shouldgive them a call OR LOOK THEM UP ONLINEAT
00:06:35I definitely could usemore coverage.
00:06:38I think iwillgive them a call.
00:06:42Or know someone who is?
00:06:43Do you thinkthat quality insurance at an affordable rateis out of your reach?
00:06:47For lessthan 35 cents a day, you can get guaranteedacceptance life insurance throughthe colonial penn program.
00:06:53You cannot be turned downbecause of your health.
00:06:55There are no health questionsor medical exam.
00:06:58Your rate will never go up, and your benefit will nevergo down due to age-- guaranteed!
00:07:04These days, the average cost of a funeral is over $7300, and social security pays a death benefit of just $255.
00:07:11Don't leave a burden foryourloved ones.
00:07:14Since 1994, over 6 million people have called about thisquality insurance.
00:07:18There's no risk or obligation.
00:07:20Call aboutthe colonial penn program now.
00:07:22You'll be glad you did.
00:08:07[ Cheers andlause ] there is no relationship more special than the one between a father and child.
00:08:16Now, I don't say that just because I am a father, but because it's true.
00:08:20Now, some mother may come along and try to tell you how importanttheyare, but don't listen to them.
00:08:26They're just a bunch of glory hounds.
00:08:28It's dad the kids remember.
00:08:32When you take off the training wheels, you should try and ride on training cement.
00:08:43The monkey bars will help ricky build his upper body strength, just like dad's.
00:00:01Boy, it's hard to believe you can get that whole thing on a nickel.
00:00:07Oh, god!
00:00:07The kids are wondering how to get mom interested in the game.
00:00:20That's real good.
00:00:21You just knocked your mama in the head with a ball.
00:00:23I thought I'd seen them all, but I have never seen " [ marching music plays ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ clears throat ] [ cheers and applause stop ] at the risk of angering the powerful trampoline industry, people, please be careful and make sure you know what you're doing before procuring one of these elastic injury accelerators.
00:00:55I've seen hundreds of trampoline videos, and I have yet to see one where someone ends their bouncing session v I can do a double somersault.
00:01:07Ouch, ouch.
00:01:09Oh, here comes his entry.
00:01:13[ Gasps ] oh!
00:01:16[ Laughing ] wier's over, and the springs have sprung.
00:01:26You all right?
00:01:29[ Growling ] I don't know what the physics lesson is here, but I know who learned it.
00:01:38Come on, michael!
00:01:41Let's get mommy doing a flip.
00:01:43Come here.
00:01:45[ Cooing ] okay.
00:01:47Bergeron: Boy, this has "last turn" written all over it.
00:01:53Oh, wow!
00:01:57Hmm. 'sault.
00:02:00The speed.
00:02:08That's poop.
00:02:09That's my dog's poop. funny.
00:02:22Here come the denturures.
00:02:25Let's see what he's smiling about.
00:02:30Here come the dentures.
00:02:42" the chairs are hanging by a thread.
00:02:55She's toothless at 2,000 feet.
00:03:01And the chairs don't stand a chance.
00:03:07[ Man laughing ] " I think he's actually blowing in.
00:03:16And the chairs don't stand a chance.
00:03:29People losing their dentures.
00:03:32Join us next week, when thefalse teeth take ..
00:03:40...On "vs." [ screaming ] ]Why bread when you can have PillsburyGrands! Flaky Layers Biscuits?
00:04:38The warm, light delicate layers are like nothing else.
00:04:43Add a layer of excitement to your next meal.
00:04:46♪ ♪
00:04:49] rolls with cinnabon cinnamon have such a sweet and delicious aroma that my family can't wait to get their hands on them.
00:05:00Now in allpillsbury cinnamon rolls.
00:05:11[ Cheers and applause ] [ chuckling ] much like whitney houston, I believe that the children are the future.
00:07:52I just can't sing it.
00:07:53The reason I like to believe that the children are the future is that I can't bear the idea that these teenagers are the future.
00:08:07These two are shoo-ins to win the short program.
00:08:16You okay?
00:08:20[ Speaking indistiy ] don't you think sibling rivalry could take a day off on your birthday?
00:08:47And hats back on, so you look good for the photo.
00:09:01Well, phi delta theta president billy geiss explained ..
00:09:06She gets an "a," but her tripod is on academic probation.
00:09:12Oh, my gosh.
00:09:20[ Grunts ] you're about to witness the rare vertical clothesline.
00:09:29How you doing? you all right, dude?
00:09:33You sure?
00:09:34Clown of the year this year is wayne haynes.
00:09:39[ Cheers and applause ] [ speaking indistinctly ] he's the class clown because it's in his blood.
00:09:52[ Laughter and applause ] that's why he's the best.
00:10:03One of the advantages of being host of a national television show is I get to move past these pesky lines, like here at dumbo, my -- sorry, sir.
00:10:13Hey, look, mary poppins!
00:10:16[ Laughs ] okay, he's on the dirt bike, he's spotted some dirt, and he goes for it.
00:10:29[ Man laughing ] you got two of them.
00:10:35Get that camcorder going. you got it?
00:10:39I got it. I got it.
00:10:41You got that, gwen?
00:10:42She's got two fish at the same time.
00:10:47 you catch them two at a time.
00:10:51Let me -- let me get -- he's cutting it now.
00:10:54Bergeron: Get rid of that ramp before someone I know!
00:11:01There it goes, ladies and -- ouch.
00:11:05[ Laughter ] and he's under it.
00:11:08It came down, and he was under it.
00:11:11Well, the "keep off the lawn" sign didn't work, " ahh!
00:11:21[ Man laughing ] [ honking ] I don't know why they're so protective.
00:11:37It's a range ball.
00:11:44Good job. you swam all the way to me.
00:11:47Good job, baby.
00:11:49All right. now swim to mommy.
00:11:51Swim to mommy?
00:11:53Ohh! ohh!
00:11:54All right, we got that on video.
00:12:02Joseph, charisma, thank you so much for letting me squeeze into your dumbo.
00:12:07I appreciate it.
00:12:08It's so relaxing flying inside an elephant, isn't it?
00:12:12It's wonderful.
00:12:13This is an experience we will never forget.
00:12:16And these people in these clips coming up, they're having experiences they won't forget, either.
00:12:22And we're lucky, too.
00:12:23You're lucky? yes, that's right.
00:12:27This is the "are you okay?" corral.
00:12:32[ Laughter ] ..
00:12:39It's yet another snow day at the school of slapstick.
00:12:44He can see it.
00:12:45[ Laughter ] this is what happens when we leave you guys alone in your room and it's quiet.
00:12:53Look at you -- you've got tape all over your face.
00:12:56Well, we said to get it on tape.
00:12:58You've got a little tape on your feet.
00:13:04Andy, look at me.
00:13:06You're a funny boy.
00:13:08You're scotch tape boy.
00:13:09Come back here. I'm ready to dock.
00:13:13They were only on the water 20 minutes.
00:13:16Already, he lost his land legs.
00:13:22It's a little bit on the wet side?
00:13:28Okay, maybe we're pushing this best-friend thing a little too far.
00:13:37[ Laughing ] ..
00:13:48Setting the stage for the innocent victim.
00:13:53Now here's a practical joke that really stinks.
00:13:58Aah! aah!
00:14:01[ Man laughing ] [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "afv" from disney world right after this.
00:14:15♪♪ ♪♪
00:14:19Your change.
00:14:20It's nice to knowyou can trust people.
00:14:22State farm is counting on it.
00:14:23They want youto talk to your neighbors, then call a state farm agent you can getdiscounts up to 40%.
00:14:30See, state farminsures 40 million drivers -- that's more than geico and progressive combined.
00:14:3640 Million drivers.
00:14:38More savings.
00:14:39And discounts up to 40%.
00:14:40So call an agentat 1-800-state-farm or go online.
00:14:45[ Man ] EACH BOTTLE OF CLOROX 2STAIN FIGHTER & Color booster takes care of 33 loads.
00:14:50Tide stain releaseonly handles 11.
00:14:52And clorox 2 gets rid of tough stains right before your eyes.
00:14:56Clorox 2. find itnext to the clorox bleach.
00:17:21[ Cheers and applause ] the disneyland resort in paris is another one of the stops for our around-the-world trip winners.
00:17:28Now, from this show, over the years, I have learned that europeans are just like us.
00:17:33" [ speaking native language ] [ speaking native language ] ...both god and electronics.
00:18:08[ Feedback whines ] [ marching band plays ] I'm just going to say "greased pole" and leave it at that.
00:18:25Watch out.
00:18:29[ Laughter ] everyone knows the keystone kops.
00:18:42Did you know there were keystone lum I wish I knew italian, so I could avoid that particular sheep insult.
00:19:13[ Shouting in italian ] pashmina, the softest and angriest type of wool.
00:19:26Oh, yeah. you can cook them.
00:19:29You can eat them.
00:19:31Just don't get them mad.
00:19:56We took a ride on dumbo the elephant.
00:19:58Now let's check out dumbo the human.
00:20:07Why study erosion when you can live it?
00:20:16[ Man laughing ] chad just couldn't wait to claim his favorite deck chair.
00:20:27" ..
00:20:35It just goes to show you ice and july don't mix.
00:20:40I got that one.
00:20:49Did you get that?
00:20:51[ Laughing ] YEAH.
00:20:55He could grow up to be governor.
00:21:02Look out.
00:21:03He's gonna pop.
00:21:06[ Cheers ] [ laughter and applause ] harder this time. come on.
00:21:16Harder, harder, harder, harder, harder.
00:21:19Come on. that's it.
00:21:21Here it comes. here it comes.
00:21:23 beauti one more time. come on.
00:21:27Hopefully, it's a boy.
00:21:28At least, then, there will be one man in the family.
00:21:32That's it.
00:21:33Hold that baby here. good job.
00:21:36[ Groaning ] lori?
00:21:45Can someone come into room 6, please?
00:21:47Hey, you. hello? hello?
00:21:49I have a husband on the floor.
00:21:52Andy. andy. andy, come on.
00:21:56♪♪ To the sea, to the sea ♪♪
00:22:00♪ to the open arms ♪♪
00:22:04♪♪ of the sea, yeah ♪♪
00:22:08.. ♪♪
00:22:09Bergeron: I don't know what it is, but i like this kid.
00:22:13..Wait for me ♪♪
00:22:15♪♪ I'll be coming home ♪♪
00:22:19♪♪ ♪♪
00:22:23♪♪ oh ♪♪
00:22:26you know your workouts are working when you're too buff for the room.
00:22:48Parents, if you want your kids to read more, you've got to give them something with a little pizzazz, kablam, kapow.
00:22:57I think I pulled something.
00:22:59Here's some reading that really packs a punch.
00:23:05[ "Batman theme" plays ] [ screeches ] no, you can't punch me.
00:23:20Ohh! ohh!
00:23:21It's -- ohh!
00:23:23♪♪ Batman ♪♪
00:23:26♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:29♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:32♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:35♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:37♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:38♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:41♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:44♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:48♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:51♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:54♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:55♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:23:57♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:24:00♪♪ Batman ♪♪
00:24:02♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:24:03♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:24:05♪♪ da-da da-da da-da da-da ♪♪
00:24:07♪♪ da-da da-da da ♪♪
00:24:09♪♪ batman ♪♪
00:24:11sin ei'm here, iw nto ck upo e, but you'd think somewhere in the magic kingdom, you could find souvenirs.
00:24:19Well, look, that's my problem.
00:24:20I'm keeping up the search, but you check this out.
00:24:25Everyone loves to play with the domino sisters.
00:24:30Aah! aah! aah! aah!
00:24:35[ "I could have danced all night" plays ] [ humming ] [ laughter ] Bergeron: You've got to give her points for composure.
00:24:53..2...3! 1...2...3! 1...2...3! 1...2...3!
00:24:57Look out below!
00:24:58The groomsmen were all his buddies from gold's gym.
00:25:023! 3! 3! 3!
00:25:04Oh [ laughter and applause ] looks like they got their puppy of the month club all at once.
00:25:21Should I just do it when if we come back here later?
00:25:26If only someone would invent a way to go from one floor to another.
00:25:34Oh, jeez!
00:25:37Get a tape of this.
00:25:41Am I on tape?
00:25:43Just pick up the end.
00:25:45Well, I just want to make sure where he is.
00:25:47I don't want him jumping out at me -- that's why.
00:25:50I don't want to see it, because that's when I scream.
00:26:00Aah! aah! aah!
00:26:01Aah! aah!
00:26:07[ Laughter ] I know what you're thinking.
00:26:24Not everybody can wear these.
00:26:26You might say I'm the cat's meow.
00:26:30[ Barks ] [ meowing ] [ meowing ] ironically, amed their cats ebony and ivory.
00:26:45Some clouds out today.
00:26:48I think she ate the weather vane.
00:26:51What is there?
00:26:53What is -- uh-oh.
00:26:56Ow! god, judy.
00:26:59And this is our cat.
00:27:01[ Vacuum whirs ] you know, you need a different attachment.
00:27:18You're not gonna get the whole cat that way.
00:27:22[ Speaking indistinctly ] it's a kitty down here.
00:27:26Oh, it's a cat.
00:27:27Despite what's here, kitty versus hyena is usually a sucker bet.
00:27:33Oh, no.
00:27:34You wanted to see it killed?
00:27:37They're afraid of the cat.
00:27:41You got to be kidding me.
00:27:44Oh, man.
00:27:59Look out.
00:28:00Kitty ain't gonna want to come back down.
00:28:03Some cats you let out for the night.
00:28:05Others you just hang up.
00:28:08Oh, no.
00:28:10[ Laughing ] [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] now, to the naked eye, it might look like I'm on vacation right now, but, of course, I'm not.
00:28:26I am at work.
00:28:27I just happen to have a very easy job.
00:28:30Now you're going to meet a woman who must be working way too hard because I know I wouldn't want to walk in her shoes.
00:28:37Check it out.
00:28:40And we also have one brown shoe.
00:28:45Where are their matches?
00:28:49To be continued.
00:28:51And here we are, ..
00:28:58Still in search of their friends.
00:29:01We're still looking foners.
00:29:10[ Chuckles ] [ speaking indistinctly ] let's see. there's two gray shoes now.
00:29:19It's not my fault I'm absentminded.
00:29:22Hang on.
00:29:23I have to go. there's someone at the counter.
00:29:25I hear that geniuses often mismatch their shoes.
00:29:30[ Cheers and applause ] later tonight, we'll find out WHICH HOME VIDEO THE VOTERS SELECTED AT To win the disney rrgrand prize vacation, but now it's time to reveal the winner of the "afv" vote from home sweepstakes.
00:29:42Congratulations to brian hanne from mesa, arizona.
00:29:46Brian was randomly selected to win a once-in-a-lifetime vacation for four to the happiest celebration on earth, including all 11 disney theme parks around the world.
00:29:57Anks to everyone who voted.
00:29:59"Afv" and walt disney world -- a magical combination.
00:30:36me,which whiter?
00:30:37 - yeah, are y-- - seriously,the clorox one.- oh, okay.
00:30:42The difference is obvious.
00:30:43For the whitest whites,use detergent, plus the advanced whiteningformula of clorox bleach.
00:30:50Ice breakers mints with icy-cool flavor crystals.
00:31:01Ice breakers.
00:31:02Stay cool.
00:34:14[ Mid-tempo music plays ] welcome to another installment of "it's good " ..
00:34:30With snow white, and with cinderella.
00:34:32We're just outside cinderella's place.
00:34:34These are lovely princesses, and I think every littne point, wants to be a princess.
00:34:40On her wedding day, she can be.
00:34:42But not all weddings have storybook endings.
00:34:45Thank heavens, or we'd have no show.
00:34:48Take your husband's arm.
00:34:51Take her arm.
00:34:53Yeah, we all thought you were too dorky for her, too.
00:35:06[ Gunshots ] funny thing is, they stopped throwing rice 'cause it was bad for the birds.
00:35:15[ Cheers and applause ] we've all fantasized about how we want to quit our job.
00:35:34Okay, now. here we go.
00:35:38Bergeron: It's always nice to tip the heating engineer.
00:35:41Anytime you want to, bob.
00:35:44[ Laughter ] they pledge to each other before god and before all of us, who share this time with them.
00:35:57I declare that they are now husband and wife, according to the law of this land and the ordinances of god.
00:36:08She's the flower girl.
00:36:10She couldn't pick flowers?
00:36:13...And of the holy spirit.
00:36:15Oh, god, from the richness of your grace, ..
00:36:21[ Speaking indistinctly ] whoa!
00:36:30Bill was the straw that broke the limo's back.
00:36:34Oh, god!
00:36:36Oh, my god.
00:36:38Don't shoot it.
00:36:39I got that on video.
00:36:42I have something to say to nancy and bill!
00:36:48No, that's on video, honey. they won't hear.
00:36:56Nancy and bill, this is grandma olene.
00:37:00I want to wish you all the happiness of the world.
00:37:07Thank you.
00:37:09Well, happ-- many, many happy days, just as happy as you are today, and never the day as it is today.
00:37:20I just don't understand where they I told prince charming and the seven dwarfs and beast to meet us at sleeping beauty's castle.
00:37:29Oh. oh, wait a minute.
00:37:30Sleeping beauty's castle is at disneyland.
00:37:33Cinderella's castle is in disney world.
00:37:36Am I bad?
00:37:40Well, with the help of some clips, of course.
00:37:44Yeah, I care. he's, like, gorgeous.
00:37:46You're so obsessive.
00:37:49Even teenage girls get tired of listening to teenage girls.
00:37:54Oh, my god.
00:37:56Oh, my god!
00:38:02This rumpus room ain't big enough for the two of us.
00:38:13She wants to see how many miles she can get to the gallon.
00:38:17That's her brother, miles.
00:38:23Stop it!
00:38:25[ Laughter ] most things inspired by kegs work out about this well.
00:38:36[ Laughter ] lynette, don't you want to help me?
00:38:45Lynette, come on!
00:38:48Stand next to me, lynette.
00:38:51Come on. stand next to me.
00:38:56Keep on walking. go on.
00:38:59Stay here.
00:39:00[ Laughing ] pbht! pbht!
00:39:08And what do we have here?
00:39:13They're a nice, but slightly gassy family.
00:39:18[ Belches ] whoa, what was that?
00:39:21[ Laughing ] I think that was part of a burp.
00:39:26What was that?
00:39:29Jason's got a funny bone, but it's funny for a different reason.
00:39:41[ Cheers and applause ] stay tuned to find out who will win the trip around the world ON "AFV's" DISNEY DREAM VACATION SPECTACULAR.
00:39:59) ♪♪♪♪
00:40:25( Coca-Cola 5-note mnemonic ) ♪♪♪
00:40:29]Right Block,you money.
00:40:32And you could get it fast.
00:40:33Just bring inyour tax information...
00:40:40You pay nothing out of pocket...
00:40:41to getthe maximum refund guaranteed.
00:40:44Never settlefor less than fast.
00:40:46Call 1-800-HRBLOCK...
00:40:47or visit hrblock.comto make an appointment.
00:40:52H&R Block.
00:40:54Never Settle for Less.
00:40:56♪♪♪ [ Continues ] ]Why bread when you can have PillsburyGrands! Flaky Layers Biscuits?
00:41:03The warm, light delicate layers are like nothing else.
00:41:08Add a layer of excitement to your next meal.
00:41:11♪ ♪
00:41:14] rolls with cinnabon cinnamon have such a sweet and delicious aroma that my family can't wait to get their hands on them.
00:41:25Now in allpillsbury cinnamon rolls.
00:42:50All right. okay.
00:42:52Now let's have one last look at the finalists for the disney grand prize to all 11 theme parks around the globe.
00:43:01"I don't want to grow up," sentin by the winters family.
00:43:04[ Cheers and applause ] [ speaking indistinctly ] I don't want to grow up.
00:43:12[ Cheers and applause ] "crying game,"sent in by the orton family.
00:43:20[ Cheers and applause ] [ crying ] Man: Go back to the kitchen.
00:43:29"Dog eat dog," sent in bybeth marx and family.
00:43:33[ Cheers and applause ] [ growling ] [ barks ] [ laughter ] [ growling continues ] all right, now.
00:43:44Now is the moment we've all been waiting for.
00:43:52The envelope, please, mickey mouse.
00:43:57Thank you very much. thank you.
00:44:00Thank you so much.
00:44:03[ Cheers and applause ] the winner of the once-in-a-lifetime vacation to all 11 disney theme parks around the world ..
00:44:17"Dog eat dog," sent in by beth marx.
00:44:21[ Cheers and applause ] congratulations.
00:44:31Look at this.
00:44:33The ultimate irony here is that sahara's not going on the trip.
00:44:38Sorry, sahara.
00:44:39Take good care of that dog, though.
00:44:42Congratulations. good luck.
00:44:45 let's congratulate our winners.
00:44:48..there you have it -- our winner of the fabulous disney grand prize vacation.
00:44:53We will be back soon with more great videos.
00:44:57Until then, remember, if you get it on tape, you could get it in cash.
00:45:02Good night, everybody, from walt disney world.
00:45:06[ Cheers and applause ] --Captions by VITAC-- Captions paid for by abc, inc.
00:46:05(Tom) PREVIOUSLY ON "AFV"...
00:46:09(woman) BRANDON!
00:46:11(pop) Aah!
00:46:13(woman laughs) (bell rings) (laughs) (woman) March over him, josh.
00:46:30(laughs) Tonight on "AFV's" $100,000 SHOW, We're counting down the greatest music montages of all time.
00:46:38We've taken out ..
00:46:42To bring you our smash hits.
00:46:50'Cause we're about ..
00:46:54And nothing is gonna get in our way.
00:46:59IT'S "AFV's" $100,000 SHOW Anmusic montage countdown.
00:47:04(cheers and applause) And now the man with the money and the music-- tom bergeron!
00:47:15(audience cheering) Thank you very much!
00:47:23Who entered the "vote from home" sweepstakes, pay extra attention.
00:47:26We'll be announcing the winner of our magical vacation for four to the walt disney world resort in florida, ..
00:47:36Let's get goofy.
00:47:39(man) HIT THE CAMERAMAN.
00:47:40He wants to shoot from downtown, but he wasn't counting on the traffic.
00:47:45Oh, no.
00:47:47(laughter) ..
00:47:59But it rolls like a sherman tank.
00:48:05(bleats) (crash) (man) COME ON, GAL.
00:48:10That's it, that's it.
00:48:13 seuss, this is a dog on a log who'll soon be a pet who is wet.
00:48:21(woman) Oh, look at you.
00:48:26(laughing) OH, DEAR, ..
00:48:30You knew he was wet, but not as wet as he gets.
00:48:35(man) COME HERE.
00:48:37(laughs) All right, boy.
00:48:38Come on, mate. come on over.
00:48:40Come on, mate.
00:48:40Attaboy, come on.
00:48:43(laughs) Get him, jen. get him, jen.
00:48:46Get him, jen.
00:48:49(both laughing) (laughter) You should exert all the control you can while they're young, even if it's remote control.
00:49:08(laughter) I hear there's an ice advisory.
00:49:19I hope you have on your pogo chains.
00:49:26(m I'd do a joke, but none of the guys in the audience are paying attention to me right now.
00:49:43(man) YOU'RE A HOT ONE.
00:49:46(laughs) (cheers and applause) It is one thing to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
00:50:02It is another thing to have somebody rip the bed out from under you, and then beat you about the head and neck with it.
00:50:08Now, we don't mean that literally, but as you'll see, it's pretty close.
00:50:12All you need is a lid, a spoon and a dad in a recliner.
00:50:17(clanging) Aah!
00:50:21And if you don't have a lid and a spoon, improvise.
00:50:30(woman) AAH!
00:50:35(woman laughing) This is payback for buying him a pink guitar.
00:50:49(plays chord) (man) HEY, YOU, HEY.
00:50:54It's like "the godfather" " hey.
00:51:14A rubber spider-- I hope he's got rubber sheets.
00:00:32(cheering) Welcome back, welcome back.
00:00:42It is a fact of modern life that wherever you go, there's a good chance you're being watched.
00:00:47There are security cameras almost everywhere I wouldn't be surprised if there was a camera watching me right now.
00:01:02What kind of bandage would you like-- paper or plastic?
00:01:08(laughing) Oh, my god.
00:01:16(man) HERE IS The breakfast nook.
00:01:20And here's the breakfast schnook.
00:01:23(laughter) Boy, I thought I was spoilingmydog ot him a chew toy.
00:01:39(boy) MAKE HER COME.
00:01:46(woman) Uh, from me, actually.
00:01:49This kid is going way too fast for those road conditions.
00:01:57(woman laughs) For one minute and one minute only, ping-pong was exciting.
00:02:06(man) THE OLD FIGHTS And battles of every day.
00:02:09(man) OH! OH! OH, WOW!
00:02:20Tighten up.
00:02:20Nice and easy, ray.
00:02:22Don't nail it.
00:02:25(boat engine revs) A little harder than that!
00:02:32Okay, ready?
00:02:34Go, go.
00:02:36Wait, wait.
00:02:39What are the odds of so many bad ideas coming together at once?
00:02:45(laughing) (wUNDER THE TREES?
00:02:52Go under the trees?
00:02:52Why don't we do that? hold on.
00:02:54It's "grand theft auto: " oh! oh!
00:02:58(neighs) (woman) WOW. OOH. OOH.
00:03:04Oh, my goodness.
00:03:04(woman) ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
00:03:06This is my wedding day.
00:03:07(laughs) Oh.
00:03:09(woman) I SUPPOSE ..
00:03:11How many times have I told you people?
00:03:15Pugs don't perch.
00:03:19(woman) OH...
00:03:19(laughs) HE FELL OFF.
00:03:23I think that's what he was afraid of.
00:03:29(cheering) Grab your leashes and watch where you step.
00:03:37(barking) Quick, throw him a bone!
00:03:38He needs it for support.
00:03:44(man speaking indistinctly) Yes.
00:03:54(barks) Hey, they got an automatic garage dog opener.
00:03:59(barking and whining) (laughter) All right.
00:04:07This is pico, my toy windup dog.
00:04:11Wind up his tail up oose.
00:04:13Now here we go! wind up!
00:04:14Come on, wind up!
00:04:16Wind up, wind up, wind up, wind up. let's go!
00:04:19(snarling) Go, go, go, go, go!
00:04:26(man) RICK'S Throwing her away, and she's running back under his legs.
00:04:32(yapping) (man laughs) What she lacks in size, she makes up for in aim.
00:04:40(man) OW!
00:04:43(man speaking indistinctly) (woman laughs) Round and round she goes!
00:04:55Where she stops-- your nose.
00:04:59OOH! (laughs) I'm not sure if this kid is lazy or ambitious.
00:05:17(cheers and applause) Very tidy.
00:05:22Doctors recommend that we all exercise a minimum of four times a week.
00:05:27However, any physician in their right mind would take a look at these next people and recommend they just stay on the couch.
00:05:34(whispers) JUST STAY THERE.
00:05:36The workout doesn't come from the treadmill.
00:05:39It comes from repairing the wall.
00:05:41Let's go, dee dee!
00:05:42Do it!
00:05:45(laughter) Regular exercise can bring a family closer together.
00:06:01(man laughing) (woman speaking Spanish) Sure, you start out like this.
00:06:23But one day, you could end up governor of california.
00:06:32and here's a new trick you can teach an old dog.
00:06:36(man) AND HERE WE GO.
00:06:46(man) GREAT. HERE WE GO.
00:06:46Hold on. yeah.
00:06:57(chuckles) For years I've been trying to convince you piñatas are a danger.
00:07:03And more importantly, they are a completely inefficient way of delivering candy.
00:07:09Yet video after video tells me I am once again being completely ignored.
00:07:14Next up, in our music montage countdown, a hit parade withina hit parade.
00:07:23Number 7-- piñata party.
00:07:29(boy) IT'S OKAY.
00:07:30(man) ON YOUR MARK, Get set, go.
00:07:32(playing Georges Bizet's "Les Toreadors") (woman) COME ON.
00:07:42Don't hit me.
00:07:48(screaming) Ow!
00:08:02(girl) YAY!
00:08:18(man) OW!
00:08:19(laughter) (woman screams) (man) OH. OH!
00:08:53EVERY YEAR ON FEBRUARY 2nd, The groundhog comes out of his hole.
00:08:57Ifhadow, six more weeks of winter.
00:08:59Well, this next nominee saw her own shadow, and it was six more weeks .. screaming.
00:09:06(woman) Your shadow.
00:09:07A cliché that ..
00:09:10Where's rainey's shadow?
00:09:11She's afraid of her own shadow.
00:09:15(screaming What's wrong?
00:09:21Rainey, what's wrong? jump.
00:09:23(screams) Jump. jump.
00:09:27(crying) Mama! mama!
00:09:39It's not going away.
00:09:39(screams) As much fun as we're having tonight, the danger of just giving away $100,000 is that it could send the wrong message.
00:09:54I mean, some kids might think, why should I go to college, or even graduate school, when I can make six figures for skateboarding into a tree?
00:10:05It's tough to argue with logic like that.
00:10:11(laughter) Watch as the garbage takes him out.
00:10:23(man) OH!
00:10:26What was that?
00:11:02(laughing) You are watching " they gave him training wheels and a helmet.
00:11:11They couldn't give him directions?
00:11:16(man speaking indistinctly) There's no reason playtime can't double as bath time.
00:11:28(laughter) (crying) Oh, oh, oh!
00:11:39You could spend your money on expensive furniture polish, or just rub in a little raccoon oil.
00:11:58(laughs) Guess which rider ended up with two black eyes?
00:12:19As a homeowner, one of the last things you wanna see around your house is a beehive.
00:12:24Not only are you gonna have to deal with bees, odds are you're gonna look pretty darn stupid while you do.
00:12:32(woman laughing) They say you should use the proper tool for the job, and this guy is obviously a proper tool.
00:12:51(woman speaking indistinctly) (laughter) A slingshot ..
00:13:05" (child) THERE'S MORE Over here, dad.
00:13:14Whoa! whoa!
00:13:17Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:13:24And join us for another quiet day at the giant wasp farm.
00:13:30It looks like a big checkerboard.
00:13:33(woman) OH, GOD!
00:13:34It's walking up!
00:13:36(woman) It's on your lens.
00:13:36It's on the lens!
00:13:38It's on the lens!
00:13:39(chules) A wasp?
00:13:42It is on there yet?
00:13:45Shut it off.
00:13:47(man) AND HERE...
00:13:50Hundreds of thousands of bees in the backyard, just swarming everywhere.
00:14:03(man) RIGHT THERE.
00:14:05I think that's where the queen bee would be.
00:14:07OW! (shrieking) Okay.
00:14:16Now luckily none of those people were allergic to bee stings.
00:14:20If they were, you might've had to witness some bizarre, grotesque, allergic reactions.
00:14:29Okay, I'm serious.
00:14:31Look at my lip, okay?
00:14:35It's growing by the hour.
00:14:37It's disgusting, and I don't know whether to go to the hospital or not.
00:14:42.. uh, ..
00:14:46And put ice on it, and if it doesn't go down, I'm going to the hospital.
00:14:56Okay. okay.
00:15:14(Tom) WAS IT The kid on the dirt bike, this slithering serpent, or this burrowing beetle?
00:15:22Find out when "afv" returns.
00:16:04Ñçrjf ♪♪
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00:16:41one bar can give yo to 4 hoursof hunger control.
00:16:44Our special recipe with protein and fiber delivers big satisfactionwithout big calories.
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00:16:56]Why bread when you can have PillsburyGrands! Flaky Layers Biscuits?
00:17:00The warm, light licate layers are like nothing else.
00:17:04Add a layer of excitement to your next meal.
00:17:08♪ ♪
00:17:11] rolls with cinnabon cinnamon have such a sweet and delicious aroma that my family can't wait to get their hands on them.
00:17:21Now in allpillsbury cinnamon rolls.
00:18:47áGñCCaañ B B c c ccc.ç 'Ñqç1Ñ?1!px of sleep lying on something like this.
00:19:28And what's the result?
00:19:29Insomnia rampant.
00:19:31And back pain in epic proportions.
00:19:33Which is why we're here to tell you about a revolution in sleep called the Sleep Number Bed.
00:19:37At your command it transforms on each side into the precise zone of comfort each of your bodies need.
00:19:42This bed is people waking up finally without back pain.
00:19:45d my sleep number and I don't have the pain in the morning anymore.
00:19:48It's couples enjoying a great night's sleep in the same bed at the same time.
00:19:53Now that we have the bed we have one less thing to argue about, 'cause I got my soft bed, she's got her firm bed.
00:19:58It's clinical studies where 87% slept more soundly and 93% experienced relief from back pain.
00:20:04it costs no more than ordinary beds.
00:20:07Call now.
00:20:07Call the number on your screen for a free DVD, brochures and prices on the amazing-yet affordable-Sleep Number bed.
00:20:15Call now, and get a $50 savings card good for a limited time.
00:20:21Call the number on your screen.
00:20:22Don't just change your bed.
00:20:23Change your life!
00:20:59(Tom) WELCOME BACK TO...
00:21:04Did you say ..
00:21:12Or the dune beetle?
00:21:15Well, if you said the beetle, I wanna hold your hand.
00:21:20Thanks for playing " a lot of people ask me if we really watch every tape that gets sent in, and the answer is yes.
00:21:38I say "we"-- not me personally-- I have people for that.
00:21:41But every square inch of every video is scanned for comedy, because sometimes the real gems are in the background.
00:21:49(people speaking indistinctly) It's hard to upstage a boy in a skirt, but that baby manages to do it.
00:21:59(woman) SMILE.
00:22:03(man) RELAX.
00:22:05Oh. oh.
00:22:12(man) COME ON, Where's your tricks?
00:22:19(man) WHAT OTHER TRICKS You got?
00:22:21Okay, but what tricks does your sister by the trash can have?
00:22:25(screams) (man) OH! STEFFI.
00:22:36Meanwhile, back at the van, eric is ready to boogie.
00:22:43(man) OH!
00:22:45(laughter) OH, SEE THAT'S... (laughs) On this clip, your eye immediately goes ..
00:22:56There's a banjo in the foreground.
00:23:02(man) THAT WAS A big gust.
00:23:02Check underneath it.
00:23:08(man) I GOT IT.
00:23:09(man) Here we have, uh-- (buzzing in background) Me.
00:23:14All right, you know the game now.
00:23:17I don't need to tell you where to look.
00:23:25"People don't realize.
00:23:26While one girl does her biology report, the other girl learns about physics.
00:23:32"Within the realm .." (cheers and applause) We'd feel a little irresponsible ,000 without providing a little fiduciary advice, so here are just a few ways you could spread all that cheddar around.
00:24:00You could get yourself those golf lessons.
00:24:10Two words--vegas, baby.
00:24:25Or two.
00:24:30Maybe purchase some prime beachfront property.
00:24:42Or just enjoy it tycoon style.
00:24:50Those are just some of the ways you can spend $100,000.
00:24:57(cheering) (chuckles) All right, our next music montage in the countdown is wall-to-wall with cats.
00:25:06It's hard to believe no one else has done this, putting cats into a musical.
00:25:10It seems so natural.
00:25:12Number 6-- the kitty committee.
00:25:16(The Presidents of the United States of America's "Kitty" playing) ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
00:25:29♪ meow ♪
00:25:29♪ he needs some pettin' and lovin' on his head ♪
00:25:35♪ meow ♪
00:25:35♪ he needs some pettin' and lovin' ♪
00:25:38♪ meow ♪
00:25:38♪ on his rain-soaked hide ♪
00:25:41♪ meow ♪
00:25:41♪ he's circlin' around my ankle ♪
00:25:44♪ he's circlin' around ♪
00:25:44(man) AAH!
00:25:46♪ Meow ♪
00:25:47♪ he needs some pettin' and lovin' on his hide ♪
00:25:50♪ kitty, ♪
00:25:52♪ kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it ♪
00:25:55♪ kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it ♪
00:25:58♪ kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it ♪
00:26:01♪ kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it ♪
00:26:04♪ kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it ♪
00:26:06♪ kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it ♪
00:26:09♪ kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it ♪
00:26:12♪ kitty on my foot and I want to touch it ♪
00:26:16♪ touch it ♪
00:26:17♪ wanna touch it ♪
00:26:20♪ I wanna touch it ♪
00:26:23♪ I wanna touch it ♪
00:26:25♪ wanna touch it ♪
00:26:26♪ kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, touch it ♪
00:26:28♪ kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, touch it ♪
00:26:31♪ kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, touch it ♪
00:26:34♪ kitty on my foot and I want to touch it ♪
00:26:37(woman) OUCH!
00:26:53We've noticed sometimes the sound in the clips is an interesting as the picture.
00:26:57Now I've got c.j.
00:26:58Here in the audience.
00:27:00How all right you?
00:27:01 you know what we're gonna do now?
00:27:04Okay, well, follow along with the bouncing host.
00:27:06I'm going from a couple of videos, all right?
00:27:09And then I just want you to tell me what you think you're listening to, all right?
00:27:14, just listen closely.
00:27:16(squeaking and chirping) All right.
00:27:24(sound effect continues) Let me--i'll give you a couple of possible examples.
00:27:28It could be a squeegee on a window, it could be r2-d2 ..
00:27:34A little droid problem there.
00:27:36What do you think, uh, what do you think that is?
00:27:39I'm gonna guess lovebirds.
00:27:41 I wouldn't have gone in that direction, but let's see if c.j. is right.
00:27:45The sound ..
00:27:46(chirping) (cheers and laughter) (Tom) OH, WOW!
00:27:49(C.j.) see?
00:27:52(imitating passing gas and squeaking) All right, very nice.
00:27:58That was pretty darn close.
00:28:01Parakeet playing with a toy.
00:28:03All right, you have the skill for this, apparently.
00:28:06I don't know.
00:28:06Well, let's find out.
00:28:08Let's go for the next one.
00:28:09Listen to this sound.
00:28:12(rumbling sound) Sounds like it could be a roller-coaster, maybe.
00:28:21(sound effect continues) Freight train on the tracks, maybe? what do you think?
00:28:25I'm gonna go with the train tracks. train.
00:28:29Those were just possibilities.
00:28:29It could be something else, if you wanna guess something else.
00:28:33I'm gonna stick with my train.
00:28:34You're gonna stick with your train.
00:28:37Let's see if you're right.
00:28:42(applause and laughter) (Tom) OH, YEAH.
00:28:43All right.
00:28:45) well, that could be a train.
00:28:45Yeah. that could be.
00:28:48He looks like he's on his way.
00:28:49(laughs) We could've been here a long time before you guessed a dog jogging inside a drum, I would thin ABSOLUTELY. (chuckles) All right, well, let's see if you can go for two out of three.
00:29:01Here's the final sound, c.j.
00:29:05(clattering sound) Maybe it sounds mechanical, maybe a vending machine?
00:29:13(sound effect continues) A man clicking his dentures, maybe?
00:29:22All right.
00:29:22What do you think?
00:29:24It sounds like somebody's stirring chocolate milk in a plastic glass.
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:31What color ?
00:29:35We're gonna go with red.
00:29:36All right, someone stirring chocolate milk in a red plastic glass.
00:29:41Let's see.
00:29:44(audience cheers) ) he's eating there you go, a dog going crazy in the ice machine.
00:29:56Would have never guessed that.
00:29:56Tell you what, you got one right.
00:29:59But still, here that's good enough for a prize.
00:30:02"Afv" on dvd.
00:30:02A little memento.
00:30:02Thank you.
00:30:06You're welcome, c.j.
00:30:06Thanks for playing.
00:30:08All r feel free to use all the rest of your senses, folks, with these videos.
00:30:14(children cheering) Kickball's a whole other game when the ball's as big as you are.
00:30:26It's good to have a backup generator in case your power goes out.
00:30:31This one is a hamster and a half.
00:30:35(child laughs) (child) Oh, poor little baby.
00:30:48(laughing) When you're roughhousing, sometimes the house is the roughest of all.
00:30:57(woman speaks indistinctly) Oh! oh!
00:31:03(man) ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪
00:31:12(laughs) (honk) (woman laughs) (man) JUST THROW SOME ON The ground there for the ducks.
00:31:22I've never really understood what it means to goose someone.
00:31:27No. oh!
00:31:33When you're going for swordfish, at what point does it turn from fishing to fencing?
00:31:40(screami (man) GUYS, GET INSIDE!
00:31:44(woman) AAH!
00:31:46(all shouting indistinctly) (man) GET INSIDE.
00:31:48Get inside, hurry.
00:31:50(shouting indistinctly) You know what they say, it's as easy as riding a miniature bike down some concrete steps.
00:32:26Oh, we men love our vehicles.
00:32:29Whether it's on land or in the water, there is something about the roar of a powerful engine and the smell of exhaust that makes our pistons pop.
00:32:44This stunt was carefully planned, just not by this driver.
00:32:51(crowd) OHH!
00:32:58(child laughing) (man over P.A.) ..
00:33:05Started out as a tractor pull.
00:33:06Ended up as a tractor pile.
00:33:23The bad thing about losing your car in a cornfield is that you can't get it back until harvest.
00:33:33(man speaking indistinctly) Outboard to off board.
00:33:46(squeals) There's a motor right in the bottom of the lake.
00:33:50Good thing they have backup child power.
00:33:54The motor dropped off the boat!
00:34:00I don't know all the rules, but I'm pretty sure thisis cheating.
00:34:09(man over P.A.) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a pause.
00:34:13Sure, stamp collecting was too boring.
00:34:16They had to take up backyard drag racing.
00:34:24That burning bush is god telling you to give it up.
00:34:32(cheering) Okay!
00:34:40Not only is the next montage in our countdown a backwards classic, it's a classic backwards classic, so let's all join together and take a giant leap backward for mankind.
00:34:53Number 5-- backwards classics.
00:36:20(cheering) wxqqqow (cheers and applause) The kid in this next finalist video has a big future as a corporate c.e.o.
00:41:51He's already made 10 grand, and he might take home another $100,000, all as a result of massive waste and inefficiency. hmm.
00:42:00I don't care how much water you use, you can't wash the cute off this kid.
00:42:26(chuckling) Ahh.
00:42:30(cheering) The people who shot these next videos did us all they sat through some absolutely terrible performances, sometimes hours long, just so we could enjoy the 10 to 20 seconds that were actually entertaining.
00:42:52Their pain, our gain.
00:42:56Everything else was sold out.
00:42:59I get stuck with tickets for "crocodile hunter: " ♪♪♪
00:43:07(thud) ("The Heat is On" playing) Before a major rewrite, "cats" was s ♪♪♪
00:43:31oh, they were selling them?
00:43:33 'cause they had too much pets.
00:43:36 when you have too much pets, they get out of hand.
00:43:39(chuckles) .. what-- ow!
00:43:46It was an accident.
00:43:47Yeah, let's see if the "accident" claim really holds up under scrutiny.
00:43:53...Out of hand.
00:43:55.. what-- ow!
00:43:59It was an accident.
00:44:02(piano playing) (loudly) ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
00:44:10♪ How I love to sing ♪
00:44:13♪ la, la, la, la ♪
00:44:16♪ how I love to sing ♪
00:44:19♪ la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
00:44:21♪ la-la-la-la-la ♪
00:44:23(high-pitched voice) .. ♪
00:44:25that's the same frequency as my car alarm.
00:44:29(cheers and applause) ♪ Living for jesus ♪
00:44:40♪ who died in my place ♪
00:44:46.. ♪
00:44:50I know it hurts, little guy, but try to be strong.
00:44:56♪ Such love constrains me ♪
00:45:00♪ to answer his call ♪
00:45:05(off-key) ♪ Follow his leading ♪
00:45:10♪ and give him my all ♪
00:45:18theyhave to be the opening act.
00:45:20He's only allowed to stay up until 7:30.
00:45:27(playing ragtime music) Some bands play the roof off the place.
00:45:34Others go in a different direction.
00:45:40(song ends) (cheering) Whenever people come up and ask me, "tom, I'm thinking about getting a pet goat.
00:45:59Do you have any thoughts " thoughts? no.
00:46:07Videos, yes.
00:46:09(rhythmically) THIS IS The lady that fed the goat that butted the sheep that knocked her down.
00:46:17(man) YOU ALL RIGHT THERE?
00:46:21(man) PET HIM, CHRIS.
00:46:33Luckily, these boys are the youngest in a long line of hard-crotched men.
00:46:42I don't know if that's a goat or a sheep, but I know he doesn't like this.
00:46:50(woman screaming and laughing) (woman) HONEY!
00:47:09Did you let the goat in the house?
00:47:12Look at mama. look at mommy.
00:47:14Did you let the goat y?
00:47:18Oh, brett!
00:47:23Even when they're not moving, goats can be a hazard.
00:47:27(man) WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, megan, watch where-- (laughs) You're going.
00:47:37(laughs) (laughs) Watch where you're going.
00:47:43Every now and then, we get ..
00:47:49Dirty videos people have sent in.
00:47:51Here are some of our dirtiest, and when I say "dirty," I don't mean dirty.
00:47:56I mean "dirty" in the cleanest sense of the word.
00:48:00Did you hear it?
00:48:01(woman) YES, I DID.
00:48:03What is it?
00:48:04I don't know.
00:48:05And to think they almost wasted money on a lawn.
00:48:11AAH! (laughs) Whoa, cameron!
00:48:24(crowd cheering and whistling) It's a good thing he's not going to win, because no one wants to hug him.
00:49:03(cheers and applause) The winner's circle is the one he's gonna leave in the tub.
00:49:18Every year hundreds of people try to smuggle yorkies across the border.
00:49:33Aah! aah!
00:49:43(grunting) ..
00:49:49(woman laughing) (woman) THIS IS WHAT I GET For leaving him alone.
00:50:00Starts in the kitchen, goes out here, is all over the table.
00:50:18On the couch a.
00:50:21And there's little handprints going upstairs.
00:50:35All over my floor, all over this, there are clothes all over there.
00:50:39They're down in the laundry room.
00:50:42On my bedspread.
00:50:43Mommy's so mad at jacob.
00:50:47What did mommy do with jacob?
00:50:52Put him in the bathtub.
00:50:59(cheering) Some words have several different meanings.
00:51:06For example, the word "mine" can describe a place where you dig for a diamond, or "mine" can be how your ex-fiancée describes it when you try to get it back.
00:51:16For tonight's linguistics lesson, we present the many meanings " (man) GEORGE WASHINGTON, ..
00:51:27(Tom) "BUSTED" IS When you break something.
00:51:34"Busted" also means you got caught doing something you shouldn't have.
00:51:40(woman) TURN TO DADDY.
00:51:41Look at that.
00:51:45What is he doing?
00:51:47(man) Show me the clippers.
00:51:51Show daddy's clippers.
00:51:56I shaved my head.
00:51:57Why did you shave your head?
00:52:02 can I see your driver's license, please?
00:52:05Bill of sales of the car.
00:52:08"Busted" is when you've been pulled over by the cops.
00:52:12Well, you were speedin' till you came up beside me and looked over and said, "oh, my god.
00:52:18There's an unmarked car," and you slowed down.
00:52:20Ll, I didn't see ya.
00:52:22Well, you sure slowed down real fast.
00:52:24You came up behind me about 66, then you dropped down to 60.
00:52:28Okay, I appreciate the warning.
00:52:28All right.
00:52:31Oh, one thing.
00:52:31Your zipper's down.
00:52:33Is it?
00:52:33Well, thank you very much.
00:52:35That's kind of EMBARRASSING THERE. (laughs) I appreciate the warning.
00:52:39All right. bye-bye.
00:52:54(cheering) Ha!
00:53:03(chuckles) It would be easy to watch these next videos and conclude that motorcycles aren't safe.
00:53:09That's only one way of looking at things, however.
00:53:12For me, these videos aren't anti-motorcycle.
00:53:16They're really pro-helmet.
00:53:18(engine roaring) Oh, he's a rebel, all right.
00:53:27He's rebelling against guardrails.
00:53:35(man) YOU ALL RIGHT?
00:53:36(man) ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
00:53:43There's no such thing as too much protection.
00:53:56(man) YOU'RE THE WINNER?
00:54:03(revving engine) Watch this scooter go from new to used in three seconds flat.
00:54:18OH, (bleep).
00:54:20Oh, no!
00:54:22If he goes fast enough, he can hydroplane over the water.
00:54:28He's not going fast enough.
00:54:42Okay, now if you scare easily, I suggest you watch our next music montage while firmly strapped into your seat.
00:54:48Although, come to think of it, these peoplewere firmly strapped to their seats, and that didn't stop them from getting scared silly.
00:54:55Number 4--screamers!
00:55:00(man) HERE WE GO. HOLD ON Tight. keep your heads back.
00:55:03Let me out. let me out.
00:55:07I don't wanna do it.
00:55:08I don't wanna do it.
00:55:11(screaming) (bleep) OH, GOD!
00:55:18(both screaming) (bleeping) (both screaming) (screaming) (screaming) (both screaming) Ohh!
00:55:48(screaming) (both screaming) (screaming) (screaming) Oh, god!
00:56:08(both screaming) (screaming) I peed my pants!
00:56:17(laughing and cheering) ♪♪
00:57:09[ sighs ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:57:13[ geese honking ] Aah!
00:57:17[ bear roars ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:57:23♪♪ ♪♪
00:57:28guys! I got an idea.
00:57:35theseason ..
00:57:35...With our afterchristmas sale!
00:57:36All storage is on salewith red and green 17-gallon totesjust $3.49 each.
00:57:40...And earn five-timesshop your way rewardsplus, fall and winterapparel and accessories are 50% off!
00:57:46There's smart, andthere's kmart smart.
01:01:41(cheering) To all of you parents desperately trying to teach your kids good manners, I apologize for these next videos.
01:01:54They will be no help to you, but you must understand here at "afv," good laugh always trumps good manners. oh, yes.
01:02:02I think baby's about to say her first word.
01:02:06(snorts) (man) OH, HAVE MERCY.
01:02:09It's a good thing I got it on film.
01:02:17Ah, the rewards of snooping.
01:02:27Oh, god.
01:02:31(knock on door) Yeah?
01:02:34(woman) YOU ALL RIGHT?
01:02:38What was that noise?
01:02:40Uh, some marbles fell.
01:02:42(laughing) Everywhere.
01:02:46(laughing continues) Did you open my medicine cabinet?
01:02:50Uh, y-yeah, I just took a look, you know?
01:02:54Just, you know?
01:02:54(laughs) There you go.
01:02:59(snorting) Look at the size ofhim.
01:03:03I hope that's diet.
01:03:05(snorting continues) Well, that explains those 6-pack abs.
01:03:14The little pigs.
01:03:15...Anoint you in the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit.
01:03:21Let me ask you-- do you need soap if you wash your hands in holy water?
01:03:36(girl speaking indistinctly) Here, here, here, here.
01:03:43(passing gas loudly) (woman) DREW!
01:03:46(Drew laughing) (cheering) It's always an uncomfortable moment when you have to tell someone they have something stuck in their teeth.
01:04:01You know, you kinda try to be, you know, discreet about it.
01:04:07Just imagine how awkward it is when you have to tell them they got a baby stuck in their teeth.
01:04:13That's our next finalist.
01:04:17I do!
01:04:18(man) Well, get in there, buddy.
01:04:21(laughing) (humming) she got her--she's got her sock on my braces, honey!
01:04:28(laughing) Aah! it's caught!
01:04:31It's caught on my braces!
01:04:34HELP ME, GARY. (laughing) (laughing) Aah!
01:04:44Get it! aah!
01:04:46Get her sock off!
01:04:47(laughing) Oh, this is good footage.
01:04:52(laughing) (cheering) If you watch the news, you know america is facing an obesity epidemic.
01:05:02The question is, what to do about it?
01:05:04We could stop watching the news, but that only solves part of the problem.
01:05:08Take this simple test.
01:05:09Lie down on the floor with your feet towards the tv, all right?
01:05:12Now you're looking at the television.
01:05:15Can you see me?
01:05:16If not, you might need to drop a few pounds.
01:05:19I can help by making food a lot less appetizing.
01:05:25(woman) BEAUTIFUL DINNER.
01:05:27Close your eyes.
01:05:28Can I open my eyes?
01:05:30Meg, close your eyes.
01:05:31See it?
01:05:32I wanna close.
01:05:33That's gorgeous.
01:05:34I'm sorry.
01:05:34We're all out of chicken, but we've got plenty of fish, and it's fresh.
01:05:39Okay, are we ready?
01:05:41One, two, three.
01:05:43(screaming) No! no! no!
01:05:48Oh, that's gross!
01:05:49Oh, god!
01:05:51Yeah, I'll have a large with, um, pepperoni, mushroom and, uh, acoustic tile.
01:06:05(boys shouting) He's got a big league swing but a little league chew.
01:06:20It's a symbiotic relationship-- one gets fed and one gets clean.
01:06:36Focus, tyler.
01:06:37Eakfast is the most important meal of the day.
01:06:44(laughter) You should chew your food.
01:06:58Don't inhale it.
01:07:05(laughter) (cheers and applause) Even though my wife and I have been happily married for years, I'm afraid when she sees this next montage, she might get retroactively disappointed at me for not thinking harder about my marriage proposal.
01:07:19These guys went to so much trouble, they give the rest of us a bad name.
01:07:25Number 3--i propose.
01:07:29(Verve Pipe's "Never Let You Down" playing) ♪ I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground ♪
01:07:35♪ I'm getting to like this feeling I've found ♪
01:07:39♪ I'm getting to love the thought of having ♪
01:07:44♪ you around ♪
01:07:45♪ and I will never let you down ♪
01:07:54♪ But if they play with your emotions ♪
01:07:56♪ dismiss the notion ♪
01:08:00(cheering) ♪ 'Cause people don't take chances with their hearts ♪
01:08:06♪ since I've met you, I am past the hardest part ♪
01:08:11♪ so remember one thing ♪
01:08:13♪ I will never let you down ♪
01:08:16♪ I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground ♪
01:08:19♪ I'm getting to like this feeling I've found ♪
01:08:24♪ I'm getting to love the thought of having ♪
01:08:29♪ you around ♪
01:08:30♪ and I will never let you down ♪
01:08:34♪ I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground ♪
01:08:38♪ I'm getting to like this feeling that I've found ♪
01:08:41♪ I'm getting to love the thought of having ♪
01:08:46♪ you around ♪
01:08:48♪ and I will never let you down ♪
01:08:53(cheering) I'm sitting here in the audience with kristin.
01:09:04How are you, kristin?
01:09:07You know, I also host another show called " did you know that?
01:09:12Mm, no, I didn't.
01:09:13(laughter) It's a very big hit.
01:09:18Yeah, big hit.
01:09:19Well, see, on that show, people dance.
01:09:21And I actually danced last week.
01:09:23I did the quickstep on the show.
01:09:25And that was my first time ever getting formal lessons.
01:09:28Are you impressed yet?
01:09:32All right.
01:09:33(laughs) Well, maybe this will do it, all right?
01:09:36I've got some home movies of me when I was much younger trying out dance steps.
01:09:40You ready for this?
01:09:42Okay, good.
01:09:42Now this first one-- this is me trying out a very new step, and also, I think I was trying out a new outfit.
01:09:47Check it out, kristin.
01:09:49(man) ♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS, Whoomp, there it is ♪
01:09:51♪ whoomp, there it is, whoomp, there it is ♪
01:09:55♪ whoomp, there it is, whoomp, there it is ♪
01:09:58(man) Happy birthday, baby.
01:10:05That's the kind of stuff you usually only see " and I actually--the reason I got into dancing, kristin, 'cause I know you're captiight?
01:10:14YEAH. (laughs) I, uh, I wanted to lose weight.
01:10:17You could see I needed to take off a few pounds, and this is one of my before pictures.
01:10:21I was in pretty bad shape here, too.
01:10:36and, of course-- of course, kristin, where's the one place I can really get my tommy tune on?
01:10:42Of course, where we all do our most hideous dancing-- a wedding.
01:10:54(swing music playing) ♪♪♪
01:11:13see--see, now you'll watch this show and "dancing with the stars," right?
01:11:18I will.
01:11:18Oh, good. okay.
01:11:19Another convert.
01:11:20Right now, it's time to step out of my dancing shoes, back into my hosting shoes and introduce some more of our home videos.
01:11:26Check these out. thanks.
01:11:31(child) ARE YOU GONNA DO-- Oh.
01:11:32Turns out the problem's not his swing, it's his grip.
01:11:38(crowd groans) (children screaming) (man speaking over radio indistinctly) One idea that never took off in airplanes-- the sunroof.
01:11:54(man speaking over radio indistinctly) Ironically, that's a reminder to buy nonstick post-its.
01:12:09(laughter) (man) DADDY HELP?
01:12:23(laughter) Put it in.
01:12:30Put it in.
01:12:32(snorts) (laughing) (woman) YAY.
01:12:43Just for him to have a little pillow-- (woman) THAT'S ALL RIGHT 'Cause he's right in R.J.'s BUTTCRACK RIGHT NOW.
01:12:49They're sleeping on each other's butt.
01:12:51Butt to butt.
01:12:52Boy, who's got the worst of this deal?
01:12:55(woman) SHOW SIDE, HONEY.
01:12:56If you can find a stronger chin glue we suggest you buy it.
01:13:02(boy) YOU HOLD THAT, GARY, And I'll hold his head.
01:13:05(laughs) Ready?
01:13:06Yeah. okay.
01:13:08Let go.
01:13:10(laughing) Look at his chin.
01:13:16You're the craziest kid I've ever met.
01:13:21He's a shark and a dork.
01:13:24He's a shork.
01:13:30(man) NO, HE JUST RAN-- (man speaking indistinctly) You know, if you can't reach that diet soda in the back, maybe you should just ask for help.
01:13:46Can you grab this shelf?
01:13:51Now you hear tion "cut to the chase" all the time.
01:13:55It's actually a movie term, meaning you go from a slow, boring talky scene to one with some fast-paced action.
01:14:03Well, we're about to cut to the chase here.
01:14:05Which, come to think of it, is doing nothing for my self-esteem.
01:14:10(man) AH, SPIDEY, There's batman.
01:14:15(woman) BATMAN! YAY!
01:14:16Bring 'em on in, batman.
01:14:18Hi, batman.
01:14:19This is proof spiders and bats just don't mix.
01:14:24Batman, come here.
01:14:27(frog chirping) It's good to have role models.
01:14:35(chirping continues) "Cops" is filmed ..
01:14:47That don't have dogs.
01:14:54(barking) Aah!
01:14:59He loves to chase.
01:15:00Sometimes, he just doesn't like what he catches.
01:15:05(laughter) (woman) DID YOU SEE THAT?
01:15:08That was adorable, wasn't it?
01:15:17(woman) SHE'LL GET DIZZY Doin' that.
01:15:19Oh, she's lost her balance now.
01:15:21Hang on, she's lost her balance.
01:15:23This is what happens t ..
01:15:25Oh, honey. I'm sorry.
01:15:26Are you all right?
01:15:27She had a little bit of a brain injury when she was younger.
01:15:30(boy) I WILL.
01:15:31(woman) WELL, Then go do it. okay.
01:15:33This party's a little dull.
01:15:33Somebody cue the chaos.
01:15:37Who let the cat--aah!
01:15:41Somebody grab th man.
01:15:43Come here, kitty.
01:15:46(laughs) (audience cheering) ♪♪ ♪♪
01:15:58Your change.
01:15:59It's nice to knowyou can trust people.
01:16:01State farm is counting on it.
01:16:03They want youto talk to your neighbors, then call a state farm agent to find out how you can getdiscounts up to 40%.
01:16:09See, state farminsures 40 million drivers -- that's more than geico and progressive combined.
01:16:1640 Million drivers.
01:16:17More savings.
01:16:18And discounts up to 40%.
01:16:20So call an agentat 1-800-state-farm or go online.
01:16:552stain booster takes care of 33 loads.
01:17:00Tide stain releaseonly handles 11.
01:17:02And clorox 2 gets rid of tough stains right before your eyes.
01:17:06Clorox 2. find itnext to the clorox bleach.
01:20:47(cheers and applause) We tell our kids they can be anything they want when they grow up if they just work hard enough.
01:20:59Sure, it's a lie, but what's the alternative?
01:21:01The truth? what kind of lesson is that?
01:21:03This is what the truth looks like, and it's not pretty.
01:21:07Here's a game that has no winner-- kite tag.
01:21:18(laughter) I thought it was gonna kill me.
01:21:24If there's one thing that cat's hate, it's waiting in line.
01:21:42Here's a way to make the game of piñata slightly more challenging-- take the piñata away.
01:21:50Can i--can i-- onto your knees.
01:21:54How come on our knees?
01:21:55(people speaking indistinctly) It's a fun practical joke, but do you really want to blindfold a kid and let him swing a stick around?
01:22:07Now it's turned into a rousing game of basket whacking.
01:22:13(laughter) (woman) IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!
01:22:18(laughter continues) At's swingin'.
01:22:26(laughter continues) Isn't eating sugary candy supposed to have the opposite effect?
01:22:42(baby crying) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
01:22:57he's a chippendale off the old block.
01:23:07(man) ♪♪ MACHO, MACHO MAN ♪♪
01:23:11(squeals) Oh, my gosh.
01:23:13Sometimes, a diaper is for your protection as well.
01:23:19OH! (laughs) (man) OH, NO.
01:23:24(laughing) Okay.
01:23:33(audience cheers) E separation between pet food and people food is a purely human concept.
01:23:43To an animal, it's all just food.
01:23:46It's only people food if you can lock it up in time.
01:23:50(woman with high-pitched voice) PIECE OF Popcorn stuck to your nose.
01:23:53How did you get a piece of popcorn stuck on your nose?
01:23:57Melanie, look at mommy.
01:23:58With that voice, I think he's trying to get it off his nose and stuff it in his ears.
01:24:04You have a piece of popcorn, and you can't get it off, can you?
01:24:07YOU CAN'T EAT IT OR ANYTHING. (barks) You're just trying to get that popcorn off your nose.
01:24:15(children laugh) (woman) LOOK RIGHT THERE.
01:24:18(woman) YOU GOT ONE THERE.
01:24:21(man) IT'S AN OSTRICH.
01:24:22He's trying to get your popcorn.
01:24:25(all laughing) He wants the popcorn.
01:24:28Is that--is that imaginary popcorn good?
01:24:31The popcorn might be imaginary, but the swallowing is real.
01:24:36Come on, man. you gotta get it.
01:24:39(man speaking indistinctly) According to the groundhog, we're going to have six more weeks of vanilla.
01:24:55Since they spend all day in the sun, a warthog will gladly take your sunglasses.
01:25:02(woman) OH, NO.
01:25:03(man) DON'T EAT THEM.
01:25:05(snorting) No, don't eat them. don't eat them.
01:25:08Oh, no!
01:25:0910 Pounddown the drain!
01:25:16(laughter) (boy) YOU'RE WORSE THAN ME.
01:25:24You a little baby?
01:25:25Eat properly.
01:25:28He's just like a baby.
01:25:31(laughs) Eat some of this.
01:25:33Oh, he's having spaghetti and mouse balls.
01:25:41Where bad judgment and poor timing collide-- ..
01:25:50Some guys talk trash.
01:25:52Some guys live it.
01:25:58(speaks foreign language) (speaks foreign language) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
01:26:06I think he tripped on the "no running on deck" sign.
01:26:10Ouch. ouch.
01:26:12How about off the edge?
01:26:14(woman) HANG ON.
01:26:15It's bouncing to the oldies!
01:26:19(man laughs) DID YOU GET THAT ON FILM? BRILLIANT.
01:26:22One of the what part of "slide" don't you understand, sir?
01:26:45(laughter) (man speaking indistinctly) (barking) And it's another exciting game of winter soccer golf.
01:27:03(man) IS SHE OKAY? OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
01:27:07I CAN'T-- ARE YOU... (hs) (cheering) When we get this close to the end of the show, we tend to speed things up a little-- my intros, the clips, even the people in the clips.
01:27:32'Cause it moves like greased lightning.
01:27:34Number 2-- high velocity.
01:27:40(Blur's "Song 2" playing) ♪♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪
01:27:49♪♪ whoo-hoo ♪♪
01:27:51let's go. let's go!
01:27:53♪♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪
01:27:57♪♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪
01:28:00♪♪ I got my head checked ♪♪
01:28:04♪♪ by a jumbo jet ♪♪
01:28:07♪♪ it wasn't easy ♪♪
01:28:11♪♪ But nothing is ♪♪
01:28:14♪♪ no ♪♪
01:28:15♪♪ whoo-hoo ♪♪
01:28:17♪♪ when I feel heavy metal ♪♪
01:28:19♪♪ whoo-hoo ♪♪
01:28:20♪♪ and I'm pins and I'm needles ♪♪
01:28:22♪♪ whoo-hoo ♪♪
01:28:24♪♪ well, I lie and I'm easy ♪♪
01:28:27♪♪ all of the time ♪♪
01:28:29♪♪ but I'm never sure when I need you ♪♪
01:28:32♪♪ pleased to meet you ♪♪
01:28:37♪♪ yeah, yeah ♪♪
01:28:42♪♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪
01:28:44♪♪ yeah, yeah ♪♪
01:28:48♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪
01:28:51(audience cheering) Later tonight, we'll find out whothe at-home voters selected AT TO WINTHE $100,000, But now it's timeto reveal the winner " congratulations to keith evans from collegeville,pennsylvania, and thanks for voting.
01:29:07Keith was randomly selectedto win a walt disney world resortvacation for four, and we hope he and his familyhave a great time.
01:29:13"Afv" and walt disney world--a magical combination.
01:29:18Ner if look at pampered cats and dogs and think, they've gone soft.
01:29:23Or if they look at them and think, sweet gig.
01:29:26Dogs and cats might have it made in the shade, but here are some animals who can only dream of such a cushy life.
01:29:35It's shake a tail feather, not take a tail feather.
01:29:41Oh! oh, no.
01:29:44(laughter) Hey.
01:29:48No, no, no, no.
01:29:52Big beak, meet big geek.
01:29:57(laughter) Go ahead. what do you see right here?
01:30:05Look at that, he's got a trunk in his junk.
01:30:10(man laughs) I want to send this one.
01:30:17Hey, you!
01:30:29And we'll pretend thisneverhappened.
01:30:52When you say something out loud, sometimes you jinx yourself.
01:30:57They don't jump on you?
01:30:59Don't poop on me, okay?
01:31:01(boy) OH, HE'S GOING TO. GET HIM OFF.
01:31:10Conventional wisdom says we're supposed to drink at least eight good glasses of water a day.
01:31:15Now I do at least triple that, ..
01:31:22If you're gonna commit a lane violati you might as well do it with style.
01:31:29(blows whistle) (crowd laughing) (man on TV) ...THIS PARTY?
01:31:38(vacuum whirring) (laughing) I wonder if it came with that attachment?
01:31:49(laughing) (woman) ELIZABETH BARTON.
01:32:03After graduating high school, she went on to higher education-- not higher heels.
01:32:11(audience groans) (cheers and applause) (disco music playing) I think in cat, that means something completely different.
01:32:28Eddie. yay.
01:32:32(laughs) IT DOESN'T HURT HIM.
01:32:38Wait, chad, catch the ball. catch the ball.
01:32:48At this playground, we believe in total immersion.
01:32:53(laughter) (woman) I CANNOT BELIEVE...
01:33:04There is nothing more soothing than the steady sound of a soft, spring rain.
01:33:18Ok, my turn.
01:33:21Even on a trampoline, not everything springs back so fast.
01:33:26Oh, my-- oh!
01:33:30(cheers and applause) If I told you there was a plate of fresh-baked cookies on that table over there, but you couldn't have them until the end of the show, you'd wait patiently, wouldn't you?
01:33:42Of course you would.
01:33:43This next little boy couldn't, and that's exactly why he's a $100,000 nominee.
01:33:49These cookies are forafter the piano recital.
01:33:55But jack has other ideas.
01:33:59(piano music playing) (man whispers) DON'T YOU DO IT.
01:34:17(cheers and applause) We have seen a lot of great montages in our countdown tonight, but it's time now to reveal the greatest of them all.
01:34:30It stars someone we owe a great debt to here at the show-- the best friend of both man and montage-- it's number 1-- canine comedy.
01:34:41(barks) And the number 1 music montage-- canine comedy.
01:34:47("Can-Can" from "Orpheus the Underworld" playing) Whoa!
01:36:08(cheering) All right, now don't go away.
01:36:15When we come back, we'll have one last look at all our finalists and make one of them $100,000 richer right after this.
01:36:26Who's going to winthe $100,000 prize?
01:36:30Well, there's only one wayto find out.
01:36:32Stay tuned and be herewhen "afv" returns.
01:36:41♪♪ Hefty ♪♪
01:36:42♪♪ Stinky ♪♪
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01:36:46[ Announcer ]Hefty Bags with UnscentedOdor Block Technology...
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01:37:11]Why bread when you can have PillsburyGrands! Flaky Layers Biscuits?
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01:37:36Now in allpillsbury cinnamon rolls.
01:37:41me,which whiter?
01:37:42 - yeah, are y-- - seriously,the clorox one.- oh, okay.
01:37:47The difference is obvious.
01:37:48For the whitest whites,use detergent, plus the advanced whiteningformula of clorox bleach.
01:37:55(Coke bottle being opened) (Explosion) ♪♪♪
01:38:02(Sound of Coke bottle being opened) ♪♪♪
01:38:05(Ice dropped into glass) ♪♪♪
01:38:10Boy: It's ok, you can have it.
01:38:18(Coke bottles lids as they open) (Sound of Coke as it is being poured into glasses) ññññ ] plan that lets you eat six times a day?
01:38:44Yeah, baby!
01:38:45Try the slim-fast 3-2-1 plan.
01:38:483 Snacks,2 shakes or meal bars, and 1 balanced meal.
01:38:51Slim fast. who hastime to slim slowly?
01:42:17(cheers and applause) (laughs) ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S MEET THE FINALISTS For the $100,000 prize.
01:42:27They are-- ...sent in by the murphy familyfrom rosemount, minnesota.
01:42:40...Sent in by angelaand doug kitzmiller from oregon city, oregon.
01:42:48(woman) WHAT?
01:42:52...Sent in by the jackson familyfrom versailles, kentucky.
01:42:59.. it's caught on my braces.
01:43:00Help me, gabby. take her sock off. ow!
01:43:04...Sent in by steve lewisfrom porterville, california.
01:43:11(piano music playing) (man whispers) DON'T YOU DO IT.
01:43:16And "i dream of weenie,"sent in by steve parisi from st. louis, missouri.
01:43:23Girls don't have weenies, sweetie.
01:43:25But I want a weeniek.
01:43:29All right, the moment we've been waiting for.
01:43:39(drumroll playing) "Drinking problem," sent in by the murphy family.
01:43:46Come on over here, you murphys. come on.
01:43:51Stay over here so we can see you.
01:43:53We've got little andrew, we've got sophia, we've got brenden.
01:44:01 that's all for you.
01:44:04How do you feel about this?
01:44:06I'm speechless. speechless.
01:44:07It's definitely gonna help out on the college fund does that sound like a good way to spend $100,000?
01:44:16Well, we'll talk about it.
01:44:18You and I or you and him?
01:44:19Well, we'll see. okay.
01:44:21Wow, this is taking a whole different turn.
01:44:23How about a hand for our couple?
01:44:25Come on down here and congratulate them.
01:44:27T it in cash.
01:44:30Good night, everybody.
01:44:32All right.
01:44:38Captioning provided byABC, Inc.
01:44:42Captioned byClosed Captioning Services, Inc.
01:45:37A ti for couples to celebrate their love, plan their future, and disprove all the naysayers.
01:45:46Woman: Whoa!
01:45:47Whoa! whoa! whoa!
01:45:49Keebler, whoa!
01:45:55Tonight on "america's funniest videos" -- " we'll tell you what's up with brides and what's going down with grooms.
01:46:11We'll give you ..
01:46:15As long as you promise to keep your mouth shut.
01:46:20So prepare to be blown away.
01:46:25We're sure you'll make out just fine.
01:46:29Tonight on "america's funniest " and now everybody's best man -- tom bergeron.
01:46:43Thank you very much.
01:46:44Welcome to the show.
01:46:46Now, we all know how this show works, but tonight's a little different.
01:46:50We have a theme.
01:46:51It's all about getting married -- everything about getting married.
01:46:54There are so many details to planning a wedding, like choosing the flowers, doing the guest list, tuxedos, dresses -- so much to do, it's why I begged my wife to elope.
01:47:03Everybody wants their wedding day to be perfect, and nobody wants that more than the bride.
01:47:09Traditionally, fathers give away the bride, but some have a hard time letting go.
01:47:21Once the vows are exchanged, the bride can relax and bask in the glow of her new husband's lifelong devotion.
01:47:30Here's love in your eye.
01:47:32[ Audience screaming and laughing ] Tom: Nothing says "i want to look my best" more than the at-home do-it-yourself liposuction.
01:47:47Woman: What are you doing?
01:47:50Shouldn't she be using the drapery attachment?
01:47:58 aroni tie the knot.
01:48:09[ Organ playing "here comes the bride" off-key ] Tom: Now, we all know sea captains can perform weddings at sea.
01:48:47During the ceremony, the bride can be used as a flotation device.
01:48:56She's been married before, but, as the saying goes, it's never too soon to get back in the saddle.
01:49:05[ Horse grunting ] [ horse whinnies ] you know, it's not just who you marry, it's where you marry.
01:49:28Now, some people prefer a traditional church wedding.
01:49:31Some head to city hall.
01:49:33Some wake up in with a tattoo and a new last name.
01:49:35When you do get married, though, choose your location wisely.
01:49:39Man: Develop over time a stronger love, one that will endure ..
01:49:44It's got to be a bad omen when your wedding song " [ ice cream truck playing "pop goes the weasel" ] Tom: So what are the choices for di- chicken, fish, or eskimo pie?
01:49:56Man #2: Want ice cream, tom?
01:50:00Be mindful of the ice cream man at all times.
01:50:04Outdoor weddings are fine, but don't cut costs on the limousine company.
01:50:13And try to be a little creative with your gift-giving.
01:50:16I mean, everybody gives tractors.
01:50:24[ Brakes squealing ] Tom: [ Australian accent ] excuse me, sheila, do you know where the koala wedding is?
01:50:36Hello, I'm talking to you.
01:50:39Can I have a look at your invitation?
01:50:44 yeah, I got mine right here.
01:50:52[ Normal voice ] Now here's a wedding party full of marilyn monroe impersonators recreating the classic scene " Man: Let's get inside.
01:51:11[ Audience cheering ] I won't look.
01:51:18Tom: There's nothing like an elegant trip to the church, and this is nothing like an elegant trip to the church.
01:51:31The bride and grand groom are under tremendous pressure on their wedding day.
01:51:35Luckily for them, they don't have to go it alone.
01:51:38They've got bridesmaids and ushers ready to prop them up.
01:51:42Here's a noteworthy tip -- when you're finished with the ring bearer's pillow, you might want to place it in front of the altar boy.
01:51:54[ Grunting ] BOW...TIE...
01:52:03The relationship sometimes will be strained to almost the breaking point.
01:52:10[ Audience gasps ] Tom: When you're already a bridesmaid, you can stop kissing the bride's butt.
01:52:23..not catholic!
01:52:34Now it's time to pass out the eucharist.
01:52:39Uh, did he say "pass out"?
01:52:43[ Thud ] and the vatican judges give the dive a 9.3.
01:52:50And finally, here's a groom crumbling under the weight OF HIS BAD '80s HAIRCUT.
01:53:00Woman: Oh, my god!
01:53:02[ Audience screaming ] oh, my god!
01:53:08He's going to be all right.
01:53:11[ Crying ] just a minute, folks, calm down.
01:53:18He's all right.
01:53:21No, he's hurt!
01:53:22No, he's hurt!
01:53:23No, he's hurt!
01:53:45And I have been married 50 years, and she's going to be the same.
01:53:51She'll make it.
01:53:51She's a wonderful girl, and scott is a wonderful boy, and if he hurts her in any way, I'll kill him.
01:54:00When we come back, we'll show you how to make ..
01:54:09And a classy exit.
01:54:13When "afv" returns.
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01:58:20Now, we've already said that this is a day of monumental expense and importance, so what better person to entrust it to than a 5-year-old child?
01:58:30I present the ring bearers.
01:58:33With a dress like that, she's asking for it.
01:58:36Man: Take my hand and stay with me through it.
01:58:39[ Imitating boy ] I see london, I see france.
01:58:43I've always known from the very first that our love is something to treasure.
01:58:50I want to tell you, simply, thank you.
01:58:53Thank you for being my love.
01:58:55[ Imitating announcer ]
00:00:01Cough it up! come on now!
00:00:05[ Organ playing hymn ] Tom: [ Normal voice ] the question -- boxers or briefs?
00:00:13The answer -- neither.
00:00:24What do kids think about during weddings, anyway?
00:00:33I have to go pee-pee, mommy.
00:00:39Does anyone have any objections to these two people marrying?
00:00:51We'll, uh, count that as a yes.
00:00:55In this wedding party, the groom's not the only one with a fear of commitment.
00:01:11Asking someone to marry you should be a fairly simple proposition.
00:01:15It's just four little words.
00:01:17You get down on ur knee, she says yes, and life as you both know it ceases to exist.
00:01:24Woman: [ Whispers ] what did she do?
00:01:41Assume the position!
00:01:45Sound off!
00:01:46All: ♪ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine ♪
00:01:51♪ you make me happy when skies are gray ♪
00:01:55♪ you'll never know, dear, how much I love you ♪
00:02:00♪ please don't take my sunshine away ♪
00:02:06Man: Finish!
00:02:07All: Kathleen, will you marry me?
00:02:10Man #2: Don't do it!
00:02:12[ All cheering ] Tom: Another successful example of the army's do ask/do tell policy.
00:02:31Now, you don't need a whole platoon to help you propose.
00:02:34Keep it simple.
00:02:36A few guys in scuba gear will do.
00:02:50Is this a bad time to mention she's allergic to shellfish?
00:03:04You want a proposal that doesn't leave room for a no.
00:03:09Man: Will you marry me?
00:03:11 are you really asking me today?
00:03:14What do you think?
00:03:16Yes! yes!
00:03:19I will.
00:03:20Sounds good to me.
00:03:22Oh, wonderful! whoo!
00:03:25Are you having fun?
00:03:26Yes, I'm having fun.
00:03:31Uh-huh. all right!
00:03:36This next clip won $100,000 o,000 on the show.
00:03:39It's worth every penny, and we're showing it to you for free.
00:03:42Consider it a wedding present from us -- the hallelujah breakdown.
00:03:48Man: As a representative of jesus christ before almighty god and in the name of the father and of his son jesus, and by the power of the holy spirit of god -- [ grunts ] that's what I was thinking.
00:04:03I now pronounce you one together -- oh!
00:04:11Oh, glory, oh, oh!
00:04:14Oh, glory, oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:04:16 I didn't say it yet.
00:04:19Oh, glory!
00:04:23You are now -- oh!
00:04:29Husband and wife.
00:04:31Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:04:34You may kiss the bride.
00:04:34Go ahead.
00:04:40Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:04:46Oh, glory.
00:04:48Oh, glory.
00:04:49Okay, go ahead.
00:04:49You're all right.
00:04:54Oh, glory.
00:05:03Wednesday, I just want to say that once again -- and, of course, the operatable word is "again" -- you have made me the proudest daddy in the world, and, steven, all I can say is please treat her as you would a titanium-headed graphite-shafted big bertha.
00:05:25For our many future celebrations together.
00:05:28You did great.
00:05:28Mazel tov.
00:05:30Want to say something?
00:05:32Hannah, your party was boring.
00:05:44And basketballs.
00:05:49When "afv's matrimony mania" returns.
00:07:01]New delights.
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00:09:53Now, we know the bride's got her hands full with 1,000 details, but the pressure's building on the groom, too.
00:09:59He's got to let off a little steam, hang out with his buddies, to burp and scratch and do all the manly things he won't be able to do until after the honeymoon.
00:10:07His one last hurrah is the bachelor party, and here's a note -- don't let the bride book the entertainment.
00:10:15Man: Turn on the music.
00:10:16Woman: Turn it way up!
00:10:17Now, this clip really almost stumped us.
00:10:20We weren't sure which direction to go with, so I'll give you four of our top lines.
00:10:25She's going to party like it's 1899.
00:10:30Or I just wish she could strip off 80 years.
00:10:35Or he wanted a stripper who's a 10, not 110.
00:10:40And my personal favorite -- okay, grandma, from now on, I'llvisityou.
00:10:55She is willard scord scott's favorite stripper.
00:10:57You know, I don't think everyone really appreciates just how nerve-racking the wedding day is on the groom.
00:11:02Now, granted, he doesn't have a lot to do.
00:11:05He puts on a tux, he shows up, says his lines on cue -- there's not a lot of room for error, but, happily for us, there's enough.
00:11:13Man: I, robert, ..
00:11:17I, robert, ..
00:11:24[ In high-pitched voice ] ..
00:11:39In sickness ..
00:11:41In sickness ..
00:11:43Here's the downside to marrying a butter salesman.
00:11:53One less carat, and he'd be a bachelor.
00:11:56You know, if it were the ring he wanted, it would have fallen through.
00:12:02[ Tom giggling ] oh, I meant to do that.
00:12:08Oh, jeez.
00:12:09Hey, you want to take in a movie later?
00:00:00But don't cut costs the limousine company.
00:00:08And try to be a little creative with your gift-giving.
00:00:12I mean, everybody gives tractors.
00:00:15Our second place $3,000 winner is "ring bearer of bad news" sent in by pam resick from wilmette, illinois.
00:00:24In this wedding party, the groom's not the only one with a fear of commitment.
00:00:34And the winner of the $10,000 is "mystery kisser" sent in by stephanie owens from harrisburg, pennsylvania.
00:00:44I hope you have a lov-- ha ha ha.
00:00:50Who was that?
00:00:52Congratulations, stephanie.
00:00:54Your clip is now eligible for our next $100,000 grand prize show.
00:00:59So, that's it.
00:00:59I now pronounce this show over.
00:01:02I hope your wedding goes well, but if it doesn't, send us the tape.
00:01:08Good night.
00:01:12--CaptioJs Stay right where you are.
00:01:53A very special edition of "america's funniest home videos" has some big fun coming at you.
00:02:07Tonight, on "america's funniest home videos" -- " the "weight" is over.
00:02:21So come on and join the gang.
00:02:26We won't leave you hanging.
00:02:32We're gonna kick it into high.
00:02:38Just stop what you're doing.
00:02:43We promise -- you won't get bored.
00:02:48Because from here on out, it's all smooth sailing.
00:02:53Tonight, on "america's funniest home videos -- " and now, he may not be an athlete, but he is wearing a sport coat -- tom bergeron!
00:03:07[ Cheering and applause ] stop it.
00:03:13You sound like clapaholics.
00:03:14It's good to have you here, and good to haveyouhere FOR "AFV's ATHLETIC SUPPORTERS." Just a little special we've put together for all you sports fans out there.
00:03:25I know what you're thinking.
00:03:27"Tom, isn't there another major sporting event taking place on another network " you've got me.
00:03:33Give yourself a medal.
00:03:35But we here at abc are a luge-free zone.
00:03:38How about that?
00:03:39None of that silly stuff.
00:03:40If you insist on seeing your precious winter sports, though, fine -- we've got them for you.
00:03:47And here, they're all gold.
00:03:49That's little bob.
00:03:51He's trying to break his old record for getting down the hill.
00:03:58He's done it!
00:04:00Even on vacation, sally's mind is still on her job at the dry cleaners.
00:04:14Men: [ Chanting ] nick! nick!
00:04:17Tom: [ Chanting ] dirt! dirt!
00:04:19Dirt! dirt! dirt! dirt!
00:04:27The rental shop at this ski hill is very strict.
00:04:30You've got to return your gear 00 whether you're done with it or not.
00:04:39Ohit's a nice house, but the real-estate agent neglected to mention the whizzing view.
00:04:50On the slopes, becky likes to play it safe.
00:04:54She takes the chairlift to the top, and the t-bar to the bottom.
00:05:06All you really need to enjoy a day of tobogganing is a good friend, ..
00:05:15And a snorkel.
00:05:22[ Cheering and applause use ] I got some names for you -- fosbury, gainer, lutz.
00:05:27Now, what do those names have in common -- aside from the fact they sound like a law firm for the three stooges?
00:05:34Well, they were all great innovators in their sports, and just like these next innovators, you've probably never heard of them.
00:05:41You may have heard of the hail mary pass, but it doesn't mean you have to throw like mary.
00:05:55Let's see that again on the mary cam.
00:06:12Once susan gets that bionic leg she can't be stopped.
00:06:24Billy always look so healthy after skiing with his rosy reds cheeks.
00:06:43If you're not fast enough to steal a base, sometimes you gotta try the razzle-dazzle.
00:06:57With any luck, those windmill kicks will take him all the way to the big leagues.
00:07:05There is no "i" in team, but there she did great in the 50-yard mood swing.
00:07:29He's gonna get pinned in a second.
00:07:33And this is the picture they'll put in the yearbook.
00:07:49[ Cheering and applause use ] this is my game face.
00:08:00You gotta have a game face to psych out your opponent.
00:08:04Which would be great if ihad an opponent.
00:08:07Anyway, in sports, your face is one of your most important tools.
00:08:11You'd be surprised how often it comes into play.
00:08:15So, you wanna try the vaulting horse?
00:08:18Knock yourself out.
00:08:23There's a point in every lesson where stern teaching turns into browbeating.
00:08:35The latest craze to hit south beach -- friction surfing.
00:08:47No, no, it's still there.
00:08:49That spinach is still in your teeth.
00:08:57The world of tennis has a lot of up-and-coming stars.
00:09:01That's one of them in the near court.
00:09:04..waffle face.
00:09:08This would have been a great day out in the snow if it weren't for frosty's torso.
00:09:22I'm sitting here between amy and nick, and I didn't ask you guys this before, but are you into the martial arts at all?
00:09:30Not really.
00:09:31Not at all.
00:09:32Well, I can't recommend it highnough because there are all kinds of great disciplines in the martial arts.
00:09:38My favorite was the david carradine version of "kung fu," because he was a shaolin priest.
00:09:43Remember that show?
00:09:44No, actually.
00:09:44I wasn't born yet, I think.
00:09:47So, amy, you remember that show, right?
00:09:51Sure. mm-hmm.
00:09:52Amy knows how not to lose camera time.
00:09:56In his form of the martial arts, he was a cross between jackie chan and mr. rogers.
00:10:02[ Slowly ] HE WOULD TALK Very slowly so you would just get bored and run away.
00:10:08These versions of the martial arts are iwell.
00:10:15No matter how skilled the fighters, you never know how it's going to turn out until they go at it ankle to ankle.
00:10:33Listen, about that money i owe you, I'm not gonna be able to pay you back this week.
00:10:58Boy, the guys don't seem scared, but the wood is petrified.
00:11:10Look, his eye matches his belt.
00:11:13Karate is not just for self-defense.
00:11:16You can also use it to clear your table.
00:11:22So mmeal.
00:11:27Um, my black-belt student, my brown-belt student -- we're going to show you some of the techniques that we've learned over the years and show you some of the -- [ thunder crashes ] now that's the perfect defensive posture.
00:11:51There's nothing vulnerable there.
00:12:03[ Cheering and appla applause ] now, I know you're aching for more.
00:12:17So grab yourself a "sand wedge" and let's meet back in a ..
00:12:47[ sighs ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:12:51[ geese honking ] Aah!
00:12:55[ bear roars ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:13:01♪♪ ♪♪
00:13:06guys! I got an idea.
00:13:15[Background chatter] [music playing] getting messed up is just another way of leaving yourself behind.
00:00:00Rounding first, he drops trou and falls on his face, earning hithe new nickname "cheeky," and erasing this date from sports history.
00:00:21All right, I'm gonna be completely honest with you, now.
00:00:24Although you probably will think this is hard to believe, I was never much of an athlete growing up.
00:00:31On the archery team, I was picked after the blind kid.
00:00:35Now, I could go through years of therapy to heal these emotional scars, but I've found that watching these clips makes me feel better about myself.
00:00:46Oh, yeah.
00:00:47You know what they say -- the best offense is a good distraction.
00:01:05A lot of you kids aren't old enough to remember the great pole-vaulters' strike of '83.
00:01:16No grandma will admit it, but every once in a while you can tell which grandkid is her favorite.
00:01:28"That's okay.
00:01:28" even rusty doesn't like the smell of wet dog.
00:01:41He just wants to get up high enough so they can't push him in the water again.
00:01:58He was bitter about the neutering, until he realized it really cuts down on the wind resistance.
00:02:08It sounded cute at the time, but in hindsight, they never should've named the RSE "lady McDainty." the best time for the plus-sized gentleman to parasail?
00:02:32At low tide.
00:02:41[ Cheerieering and applause ] I have always, always admired gymnasts, and it's not just for their strength and grace.
00:02:51It's not just for their confidence wearing uniforms that leave almost nothing to the imagination.
00:02:57What I really admire about most gymnasts is, as you'll see, they're very fast healers.
00:03:03What this gymnast lacks in technique he makes up for in neck strength.
00:03:13When troy signed on to be equipment manager, he didn't know it would be his own.
00:03:28You might've seen this on cable -- '" sometimes a gymnast becomes one ..
00:03:41And vice versa.
00:03:54It's really not all that impressive until you see the alternative.
00:04:06You can tell he's a really good coach, the way he gets so wrapped up in his work.
00:04:22Isn't this guy a little big to be on the gymnastics team?
00:04:28He looks more like a diver.
00:04:33And if you want to separate yourself from the competition, make it difficult for them to foll [ cheering and applause lause ] anyone who's ever played organized sports knows there can be an almost unhealthy emphasis on winning, and it's sad, really.
00:04:57I mean, winning isn't ev for one thing, as we know here, it's not very funny.
00:05:02We need losers, right?
00:05:02We need them! yes!
00:05:05Without them, everything would just end in one big tie.
00:05:10So all you losers out there, thanks.
00:05:13When you lose, we all win.
00:05:16[ Laughter ] look at that.
00:05:18They've all got numbers on their bikes.
00:05:21What, like they're gonna lose them?
00:05:26Okay, maybe I spoke too soon.
00:05:36Welcome to the 2002 "there's no way in hell" invitational.
00:06:03The good thing about running the wrong way is that no one's trying to tackle you.
00:06:12And for this, they pay him $8 million a year.
00:06:24If you can'twina trophy, make your dad pay for a bunch of them.
00:06:36If you're like bill there, there are two things you don't need to play golf -- ..
00:06:43And rules.
00:06:49You know why they soundproof these courts?
00:06:54So they don't hear you scream.
00:07:03Want to be on television?
00:07:03SURE YOUññcñ ♪♪♪
00:08:27]Right Block,you $9,999, and you could get it fast.
00:08:32Just bring inyour tax information...
00:08:33and geta Refund Anticipation Check.
00:08:35You pay nothing out of pocket.
00:08:38k.Never Settle For Less.
00:08:43most man.
00:08:44[ horn honks ] The driving test.
00:08:46[ Female Announcer ] AND ONE DAY STARTS TODAY.
00:08:481-Day acuvue® moist®brand contact lenses.
00:08:51Wear them only one dayso they're always fresh.
00:08:54Always comfortable.
00:10:03[ Cheering and applause ] in the world of champions, there's a whole cast of people behind them who help them get there -- the parents who drove them to practice, the friends who came out to cheer them on, the english teacher who gave them a "c" instead of the "f" they deserved so they could play in the big game.
00:10:29We salute the sacrifices made by all the people behind ..
00:10:33Or under them.
00:10:34Here's the winning entry at this year's "put an eye out" festival.
00:10:44The problem with ringside seats?
00:10:48Sometimes you become part of the action.
00:10:56It takes a lot of people to support a cycling team -- a trainer, a mechanic, a babysitter.
00:11:08This is a sport with very few rules.
00:11:12For example,thisis legal.
00:11:15[ Bell dings ] you think gymnastics itough?
00:11:24Try loafing in the background on a large stack of mats.
00:11:34Once you've mastered this move, you'll never be afraid of plywood again.
00:11:46[ Cheering and applauslause ] they call them motorsports, but really, is driving a sport?
00:11:53I mean, if I had to drive 500 miles without a rest stop, I'd probably go pretty fast, to motorsports? you decide.
00:12:05Boy: Yee-ha!
00:12:06The great thing about these off-road vehicles -- they can stop on a dime.
00:12:21A lot can happen when you're driving at speeds up to 11 miles an hour.
00:12:28I'll bet that car's a real chick magnet.
00:12:37[ SHEEP BAAing ] Now baron the sheepdog gets his ..
00:12:43And he's got the rest of the day to lick himself.
00:12:50I like monster-truck rallies, but personally, I prefer sports that are a little more in-your-face.
00:13:08Ooh, I hope somebody brought a mitt.
00:13:17You might wonder why that doesn't come with a roll bar.
00:13:21Actually, it'sallroll bar.
00:13:39[ Cheering and applause ]] what is it?
00:13:40I don't know what it is.
00:13:42Isn't it fun just to watch big things bounce a lot?
00:13:46I don't know why that is.
00:13:47They say swimming is the best form of exercise because it's really the only activity that exercises every part of ..
00:13:56Except your brain.
00:13:57[ Laughter ] nothing says refreshing like tighty whities and a homemade pool.
00:14:04Man: Oh, there goes the pool!
00:14:14Man: On your mark.
00:14:17Get set.
00:14:20Where'd he come from?
00:14:22The dark horse out of the corner.
00:14:26Here he comes.
00:14:27Come on, bandit.
00:14:27Come on.
00:14:29The winner and still champion -- the springer spaniel!
00:14:34Tom: We've seen this a thousand times.
00:14:38Another girl falls in the pool.
00:14:42Oh, there's the problem.
00:14:44She broke the speed limit.
00:14:48We don't have one of those fancy underwater cams, but this is pretty much all you're missing.
00:14:56Man:" Woman: Swim, swim!
00:15:01" you want to avoid swimmer's ear?
00:15:06Have cheater's legs.
00:15:15Did she beat me?
00:15:17Girls: Yes.
00:15:18I want a rematch.
00:15:20You don't have to spend a lot on ..
00:15:24But spend a little.
00:15:26[ Girl screams ] and now it's time for a brief audienaudience survey.
00:15:36Uh, what's your favorite song -- all-time favorite song?
00:15:40[ German accent ] " no, that's wrong.
00:15:44That's wrong.
00:15:46Your favorite song, sir?
00:15:47R. kelly.
00:15:48No, that's not right, either.
00:15:51And your favorite song?
00:15:53" no, that's not right.
00:15:55Your favorite song is "backfield in motion," isn't it?
00:16:00Yes, it is.
00:16:01[ Laughter ] ♪ backfield in motion, yeah ♪
00:16:07♪ I'm gonna have to penalize you ♪
00:16:10♪ whoo-hoo ♪
00:16:12♪ backfield in motion, baby ♪
00:16:15♪ you know that's against the s ♪
00:16:20♪ first down ♪
00:16:22♪ you start cheatin' on me ♪
00:16:24♪ second down ♪
00:16:26♪ I was too blind to see ♪
00:16:28♪ third down ♪
00:16:30♪ you know I love you so ♪
00:16:32♪ fourth down, baby ♪
00:16:34♪ I got to let you go ♪
00:16:36♪ 'cause I caught you with your backfield in motion, yeah ♪
00:16:41♪ I'm gonna have to penalize you ♪
00:16:45♪ whoo-hoo ♪
00:16:46♪ backfield in motion, baby ♪
00:16:50♪ you know that's against the rules ♪
00:16:55♪ backfield in motion ♪
00:16:57♪ offside and holdin' ♪
00:16:59♪ backfield in motion ♪
00:17:01♪ no cheatin', baby ♪
00:17:03♪ backfield in motion ♪
00:17:05♪ ooh, baby, now ♪
00:17:07♪ backfield in motion ♪
00:17:10[ applause ] now, don't take off.
00:17:17What do we have to do, twist your arm?
00:17:21There's plenty more on "AFV's ATHLETIC SUPPORTERS." ®0®0@@ P P úú p p Tom: October 19th -- the finals of the backyard soccer championship.
00:21:17The score is tied when suddenly the game is interrupted by a soccer hooligan dropping in ..
00:21:25Erasing this date from sports history.
00:21:28[ Cheering and applause ] it is unfortunate -- it's unfortunate -- but when you play sports, injuries are bound to happen.
00:21:42You know, there's another kind of damage that often gets overlooked, and that's property damage.
00:21:47Millions of dollars worth of stuff is ruined every year -- splintered, broken, shattered, or sunk.
00:21:53Sometimes there's a fine line between sports and vandalism.
00:21:59If man were meant to fly, they wouldn't have put that pole there.
00:22:11Now, this guy is actually the search party for that last guy.
00:22:25He found him.
00:22:32Always make sure you call your shot.
00:22:36" we're gettin' it.
00:22:46[ Cheering ] this is the way custody battles shouldbe fought.
00:22:59Hot-aisuch a beautiful sport -- ..
00:23:04Nothing but the sound of your own heartbeat and the people on the ground " Woman: You all right?
00:23:21Man: Yes.
00:23:22[ Indistinct conversation ] look at that butt hole.
00:23:38And have you ever wondered why backstops are made of metal?
00:23:44Man: Here it comes.
00:23:44Keep your eye on it.
00:23:51[ Children cheering ] [ cheering and applause ]use ] I have a confession to make.
00:24:01I -- I have a confession to make.
00:24:04Before I saw these next clips, I didn't take water-skiing very seriously.
00:24:08I thought it was a weekend hobby kind of thing, but now, now I see that water-skiers y, dedicated sportsmen devoted to their craft.
00:24:17I applaud you, water-skiers.
00:24:21Did that read "sincere"?
00:24:23Yes, it did.
00:24:24'Cause, you know, frankly, I think they're a bunch of nut balls.
00:24:29[ Audience laughs ] [ laughs ] roll the clips.
00:24:32A lot of people t remember the last episode of " " canoeing, water-skiing -- it looked a lot better in the pamphlet.
00:24:49In some restaurants they let you choose your own lobster.
00:24:59Ski behind it in the morning, barbecue it at night.
00:25:05[ Laughter ] goin' fi yahoo!
00:25:10Hey, guys, couldn't you be, I don't know, shoveling an old lady's sidewalk?
00:25:17They actually make amphibious cars that go on landandwater.
00:25:24This isn't one of them.
00:25:35[ Cheering and applause ]e ] a little word of warning -- there are so many of those infomercial exercise devices, you really don't mix them up.
00:25:46I had a friend who used the bun exerciser on his pectorals -- oh, yeah, you laugh.
00:25:50It's easy.
00:25:52But now his shirts give him a wedgie.
00:25:54[ Laughter ] they laugh at his pain.
00:25:57Here are some more people who got things bass-ackwards.
00:26:04After days on the river, they're finally back on solid ground.
00:26:10Oh [bleep] [ laughter ] he's such a great skier.
00:26:18It's almost as if he makes love to the lake.
00:26:32The rules are so strict in this game, anyone caught stealing a base will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
00:26:49Here's how he got the nickname " [ gasps ] you idiot!
00:26:56What happened?
00:26:56Did I get it in?
00:27:00[ Laughs ] the biggest problem facing international soccer these days -- the greenhouse effect.
00:27:15[ Slapping ] I believe senior citizens should be treated with dignity and respect, but couldn't they meet us halfway?
00:27:31[ Cheering and applaus I feel like I don't even know you anymore.
00:28:14You break curfew, you don't answer your phone, and look what you did to your mother's car!
00:28:21What were you thinking?
00:28:24This isn't you.
00:28:26How much is that gonna cost?
00:28:30Yo, you left this at the party last night.
00:28:40of sleep lying on something like this.
00:28:43And what's the result?
00:28:44Insomnia rampant.
00:28:46And back pain in epic proportions.
00:28:48Which is why we're here to tell you about a revolution in sleep called the Sleep Number Bed.
00:28:52At your command it transforms on each side into the precise zone of comfort each of your bodies need.
00:28:57This bed is people waking up finally without back pain.
00:29:00I found my sleep number and I don't have the pain in the morning anymore.
00:29:04It's couples enjoying a great night's sleep in the same bed at the same time.
00:29:08Now that we have the bed we have one less thing to argue about, 'cause I got my soft bed, she's got her firm bed.
00:29:13It's clinical studies where 87% slept more soundly and 93% experienced relief from back pain.
00:29:19Though it costs no more than ordinary beds.
00:29:22Call now.
00:29:22Call the number on your screen for a free DVD, brochures and prices on the amazing-yet affordable-Sleep Number bed.
00:29:30Call now, and get a $50 savings card good for a limited time.
00:29:36Call the number on your screen.
00:29:37Don't just change your bed.
00:29:38Change your life!
00:30:46[ Cheering and applause ] now, cynics often say that people only watch hockey for the fights or auto racing for the crashes.
00:31:04I have even heard speculation that people watch this show for more than just my riveting presence and sharp, incisive wit.
00:31:12And my modesty.
00:31:12D I mention my modesty?
00:31:14We all like to see a spectacular mishap once in a while, but nothing is better than when we see the person involved get up and walk away from it.
00:31:24It also makes it okay to, you know, make fun of them at that point.
00:31:28Bob dreams of someday landing his helicopter his mansion, but until then, this'll have to do.
00:31:43He's not a speedboater.
00:31:46He's a showboater.
00:31:57Madeline had such a great time parasailing, she couldn't wait to go out again.
00:32:10Don't worry.
00:32:11The power lines will slow him down.
00:32:20They have yet to build an arena that can contain the great ..
00:32:28...Until now.
00:32:30[ Cheering ] [ cheering and applause lause ] fishing -- fishing is one of those sports that crosses all boundaries.
00:32:44It really doesn't matter who you are.
00:32:47Old, young, fat, skinny, sharp as a tack or dumb as a bag of hammers, you can catch a fish.
00:32:53Now, if you've never been before, here's just a little taste of what's in store for you.
00:32:59He's backing down on him hard.
00:33:04As if we need more evidence that we're overfishing, they're starting to surrender.
00:33:22[ Giggling ] Woman: My god, what's on that pole?
00:33:27Oh, it's her husband, marlin.
00:33:31And when they get to land, she makes him beg like a dog.
00:33:39Hey, got one.
00:33:40S will do anything for a laugh.
00:33:45There's no better punch line than hypothermia.
00:33:50I got a keeper!
00:33:53It's one thing to throw him back.
00:33:56It's another thing to walk him all the way home.
00:34:01Have a nice day!
00:34:10Here's somebody who knows ..
00:34:18...And somebody who knows nothing about bears.
00:34:23[ Man laughing ] [ cheering and applause ] for a while on television, court shows were all the rage.
00:34:36Now it's psychics.
00:34:37It's people who can read other people's minds, talk to the dead.
00:34:41So I thought I would try, with the help of glen here -- are you willing, glen?
00:34:45[ Deep voice ] YES.
00:34:47Good voice, glen.
00:34:48You should get into this business.
00:34:50What I'm gonna try, glen, is I'm gonna psychically try to project to you what this next group of clips are, all right?
00:34:57So I have to get into my psychic mode.
00:34:59But you just see if you can -- I'm doing my psychic mode now.
00:35:04[ Laughter ] what are you receiving, glen?
00:35:11People falling down and a water-sk dog.
00:35:16[ Laughter and applause ] all right, he shook them, now if he could only throw them off his scent.
00:35:27[ Laughter ] I smell a new bike.
00:35:34Okay, that's two points.
00:35:36How many points is this?
00:35:44A party's just not a party till the weight lifting goalie shows up.
00:35:53[ Laughter ] say what you want, it keeps the ticks off him.
00:36:24Oh! she blew a rim!
00:36:28Now all these cops need to do is to find criminals in this exact same formation.
00:36:36Look, they broke up another pyramid scheme.
00:36:41[ Cheering and applauspplause ] over the years, the rock group queen has become closely associated with sporting events.
00:36:50You really can't flip on a game without seeing some guy with a giant foam finger dancing to "we will rock you" or " now, as a result, it's made those songs very expensive for producto use on television.
00:37:03So what do you do if you want that queen sports feeling -- there's a sentence you never -- without the queen sports price?
00:37:12[ Bell rings ] ♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:15♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:17♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:18.. ♪
00:37:20♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:21♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:23♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:24♪ I want to ride my bicycle ♪
00:37:27♪ I want to ride my bike ♪
00:37:30♪ I want to ride my bicycle ♪
00:37:33♪ I want to ride it where I like ♪
00:37:37♪ you say black ♪
00:37:40♪ I don't believe in peter pan ♪
00:37:42♪ frankenstein or superman ♪
00:37:44.. ♪
00:37:45♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:47♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:48♪ bicycle ♪
00:37:49♪ I want to ride my bicycle ♪
00:37:52♪ I want to ride my bike ♪
00:37:55♪ I want to ride my bicycle ♪
00:37:59♪ I want to ride my -- ♪
00:38:01♪ on your marks ♪
00:38:02♪ get set ♪
00:38:04♪ go ♪
00:38:09♪ bicycle race ♪
00:38:10♪ bicycle race ♪
00:38:12♪ bicycle race ♪
00:38:14♪ bicycle ♪ bicycle ♪
00:38:17♪ bicycle ♪
00:38:18.. ♪
00:38:20♪ bicycle ♪
00:38:22♪ bicycle ♪
00:38:23♪ bicycle, bicycle, bicycle ♪
00:38:27♪ bicycle race ♪
00:38:29[ bell rings ] when we return, we'll wash away ..
00:38:37...So don't miss it.
00:38:41When "america's funniest home videos -- athletic supporters" returns.
00:39:20]Right Block,you $9,999, and you could get it fast.
00:39:25Just bring inyour tax information...
00:39:26and geta Refund Anticipation Check.
00:39:28You pay nothing out of pocket.
00:39:31H&R Block.Never Settle For Less.
00:39:36most man.
00:39:37[ horn honks ] The driving test.
00:39:39[ Female Announcer ] AND ONE DAY STARTS TODAY.
00:39:411-Day acuvue® moist®brand contact lenses.
00:39:44Wear them only one dayso they're always fresh.
00:39:47Always comfortable.
00:42:21Tom: January 5th -- behind on points, ernst klempner knew he had to make an impression with the judges.
00:42:26Instead, he made one on ..
00:42:28Thereby erasing this date in sports history.
00:42:33[ Cheering and applause ] getting to know some of the audience.
00:42:40We got walker.
00:42:40Walker is here from germany.
00:42:43Do you have a "germany's funniest videos" over in your homeland?
00:42:47Yeah, we have them.
00:42:48It's kind of with a hidden camera.
00:42:51That used to be the government doing that, right?
00:42:54That's in the east part.
00:42:55I live in the west.
00:42:58I don't know if you've met margo here, but margo, remember when you were saying that the greatest part about going to sporting events is when you can paint yourself all kinds of colors and stands.
00:43:08Remember that?
00:43:11Yeah, I remember that.
00:43:12Man, they'll agree with anything.
00:43:14Let's watch this next group of clips because I have no idea what they are.
00:43:18This park is famous for its high-tech containment system/badminton net.
00:43:25Man: Look at that.
00:43:28Are you all right?
00:43:31After this meet, he goes in for realignment.
00:43:39This isn't so much a sport as it's a tremendous waste of water.
00:43:48Couple more turns, and you'll see the same spray pattern coming out of their mouths.
00:44:01Two, four, six, eight.
00:44:03Cindy lou has gained me weight.
00:44:15"The thrill of victory.
00:44:18" of all the things to protect in hockey, I'd put knees at number two.
00:44:35[ Groans ] yes!
00:44:40Yes! yes! yes!
00:44:43[ Cheering and applauspplause ] look! look at the time!
00:44:46That's all the sports we can fit into an hour.
00:44:49I hope you didn't pull anything.
00:44:51If you want to see more clips of this same, exceptional quality, LOG ON TO, " and remember, if you get it on tape, you could get it in cash.
00:45:03Good night, everybody.
00:45:05[ Cheering and applause ] --Captions by VITA I am very excited, because tonight we're doing "america's funniest videos" like it's never been done before.
00:45:59Humans take a backseat in " and if you don't believe me, would this face lie to you?
00:46:09[ Purring ] psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.
00:46:13[ Purring continues ] it's "america's funniest home videos " it's cute, but it's got bite.
00:46:28We guarantee it will leave you we've got more fun than a minivan full of monkeys.
00:46:41And this.
00:46:45So snuggle up with your favorite animal.
00:46:51IT'S "AFV's " and now, the man who can't wait to get his paws on your videos, tom bergeron!
00:47:02Thank you very much.
00:47:05[ Laughs ] welcome.
00:47:09No, that's quite enough.
00:47:09Oh, no.
00:47:11No, don't go spoiling me.
00:47:13Welcome to our all-animal extravaganza -- you know, excepting me.
00:47:17This show is special because not only is it all animal clips, not just because it's my first ever extravaganza, but because we've got the real deal -- live animals from the san diego zoo wild animal park.
00:47:30You haven't seen that ..
00:47:33Well, since ross had a monkey.
00:47:35If you like animals, this is the place to be.
00:47:41Man: Can we get that angle?
00:47:49Woman: Aah!
00:47:53Okay, roll up the window.
00:47:56[ Laughing ] whoa!
00:48:02[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ] there goes his tongue.
00:48:07[ Laughs ] where's your tongue, buddy?
00:48:12This is why dogs always have clean mouths.
00:48:25This is no ordinary doe.
00:48:28She's a deer devil!
00:48:28[daredevil] Duke does not make a move without his colorist.
00:48:55There's no escaping the ring of rubber.
00:49:03Woman: Step up.
00:49:11They couldn't afford siamese cats.
00:49:14They had to settle for venetians.
00:49:22[ Laughter ] you may remember earlier this season we featured some talking dogs, and people have been talking about it ever since.
00:49:37I'll tell you who else has been talking about it nonstop, the talking cats.
00:49:42So in the spirit of equal time, let's hear what kitty has to say.
00:49:47Woman: Hello.
00:49:50[ Meowing ] HELLO.
00:49:56[ Meowing ] HELLO.
00:50:01[ Meowing ] HELLO.
00:50:03Woman: " [ Meowing ] MAMA.
00:50:15[ Meows ] [ Meowing ] MAMA.
00:50:21I just want to know one thing -- if you love me or not.
00:50:24[ Yowling ] do you love me?
00:50:27[ Yowling ] YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah that's all I wanted to know.
00:50:33Woman: He'll do it more.
00:50:34[ Yowling ] YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:50:39He loves me.
00:50:44[ Meowing ] OH, NO, NO.
00:50:48Oh, no, no.
00:50:52Oh, no, no.
00:50:56Oh, okay.
00:50:59Oh, no, no, no.
00:51:03Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:51:06[ Cheers and applause ] janet ramsey is here with me from the san diego zoo wild animal park.
00:51:14And this magnificent cheetah -- you want a lick of the host?
00:51:16Yes -- is majani.
00:51:19Majani just turned two, right?
00:51:21Yes, two years old, an adult cheetah now.
00:51:23S majani's national television debut?
00:51:26It really is, and he's purring away for it as you can probably hear.
00:51:29Like with my little cat, this is a good sign that he's purring.
00:51:32'Cause he would give me some signal if he was about to dine on host.
00:51:36Of course he would.
00:51:37You're too close.
00:51:39They're the speed demon of the earth, and he has to catch up to his fast prey.
00:51:45You're right here.
00:51:45He's not gonna attack you.
00:51:47So I'm not a challenge.
00:51:50I'm like a well-suited buffet to him, right?
00:51:54Well-dressed buffet, yes.
00:51:56Well, we're gonna get him something that he would like to eat while we watch these.
00:52:01Just relax, majani.
00:52:01Sure, make yourself at home.
00:52:08Bergeron: If your child's allergic to cat or dog hair, why not try a slimier alternative?
00:52:16Woman: Aah!
00:52:18[ Laughs ] Man: [ Laughing ] Boy: I would guard him from even going to the raccoons.
00:52:34He never liked raccoons before, but now he's a rabid fan.
00:52:41 why'd you stick your finger in there?
00:52:44Joe: Oh, stupid me.
00:52:48Woman: Tommy, don't do that.
00:52:52[ Speaking indistinctly ] in this year's yearbook, tommy was voted " tommy.
00:53:04[ Growls ] hi, horsy.
00:53:09Rent a pony to bring joy and/or chaos to your next party.
00:53:16[ Neighs ] [ laughter ] Woman: Go ahead, open it.
00:53:35Why, is it gonna suffocate or something?
00:53:42Lift it from the top.
00:53:46Oh, my! oh, my!
00:53:52Oh, my god!
00:53:53Am I really seeing something in front of my eyes?
00:53:55Oh, my god! oh, my god!
00:53:56Oh, my! come to me! oh, my!
00:54:01Oh, is this a dream or something?
00:54:05Oh, my!
00:54:05Oh, my god!
00:54:10[ Crying ] Oh, my god!
00:54:15Okay, after that, I just have ..
00:54:22Release the hounds!
00:54:25[ AC/DC's "Given the dog a bone" plays ♪ I'm just givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:54:36♪ givin' the dog a bone, ♪ givin the dog a bone ♪
00:54:40♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:54:42♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:54:44♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:54:45♪ I'm just givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:54:48♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:54:56♪ I'm just givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:00♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:02♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:04♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:05♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:07♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:09♪ I'm just givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:11♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:29♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:31♪ givin' the dog a bone, ♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:35♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:37♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:39♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:41♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:43♪ givin' the dog a bone, .. ♪
00:55:49aah! aaaah!
00:55:52♪ Givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:54♪ givin' the dog a bone ♪
00:55:56♪ givin' the dog ♪
00:55:59♪ yeah, yeah ♪
00:56:02[ cheers and applause ] don't go away.
00:56:05"Afv all-animal extravaganza" returns in a moment.
00:56:49®0®0@@ P P úú p p I feel like I don't even know you anymore.
00:57:17You break curfew, you don't answer your phone, and look what you did to your mother's car!
00:57:24What were you thinking?
00:57:28This isn't you.
00:57:29How much is th look at this.
00:57:33Yo, you left this at the party last night.
00:00:52Experts -- experts -- you know those experts.
00:00:55Well, they say owning a pet relieves stress.
00:00:57But what about the stress that pets feel?
00:01:00They're under a lot of pressure.
00:01:01Think about it.
00:01:03Between the 18 hours of sleep, the constant demands of staring out the front window, there's hardly any time to just kick back.
00:01:11Well, here are a few animals who manage to squeeze in some playtime.
00:01:19Bergeron: Well, there's a nice portrait for the family photo album.
00:01:28Man: Here comes the other one.
00:01:32Things don't usually go your way when you have the word "wiener" in your name.
00:01:44Woman: Come on. come on.
00:01:45 jingles had a perfect score out on the cat range today.
00:02:08This is why you never borrow money from an elephant.
00:02:21Man: Hey!
00:02:22Hey, they're fighting.
00:02:27It is possible to have too much nature per square inch.
00:02:38Man: Wow, did you see that?
00:02:41[ Cheers and applause ] I have to be honest with you.
00:02:45Getting ready for this animal special, I felt like -- kind of oah loading the animals on his ark.
00:02:51And I wondered what must've been going through his mind ..
00:02:58Be careful " you know why this guy has to vacuum his pool so much?
00:03:08Cat hair.
00:03:11[ Laughter ] too bad they'rnot waving red, white, and blue shovels.
00:03:42They say ostrich is the meat of the future.
00:03:46I say he's got to get there first.
00:04:04Man: Good lord.
00:04:06Open up, open up.
00:04:09Oh, boy.
00:04:09[ Laughs ] now, how about me?
00:04:14And you never married, huh?
00:04:23Open up, open up.
00:04:27Boy, your turn, fred.
00:04:33[ Dog snoring ] I'm glad that maggie is getting ..
00:04:43Because no one else is.
00:04:47Woman: Maggie.
00:04:49[ Snoring continues ] maggie.
00:04:55[ Snores ] hey.
00:05:03Right now I'm here with my friend abby teasdale.
00:05:07Abby, you're how old?
00:05:09I understand you have both a cat and a dog, right?
00:05:13Three cats, two dogs, and a turtle.
00:05:18How come you don't have three dogs with the three cats?
00:05:22Ask mom.
00:05:23How come we don't have three dogs?
00:05:25'Cause we have two kids.
00:05:26Oh, you have two kids, three cats, two dogs, and a turtle.
00:05:30I'm gonna put in a vote for that extra dog to balance it out.
00:05:33We have some top reasons right here that dogs are better than cats.
00:05:38Do you think that's true?
00:05:40Uh, sure.
00:05:45Bergeron: Dogs are affectionate, always warm and loving.
00:05:55Cats are fickle.
00:05:56They'll love you one minute, turn on you the next.
00:06:06Dogs are trusted members of the family.
00:06:09You can count on them to help protect your children.
00:06:20Cats, not so much.
00:06:27Dogs are photogenic.
00:06:27They love to mug for the camera.
00:06:32Man: Aw, yeah.
00:06:32[ Smooches ] [ shrieking ] cats can be a little camera shy.
00:06:43[ Hisses ] [ shrieking ] dogs are deeply spiritual animals with a strong moral code.
00:07:06Cats are agents of satan.
00:07:15Stay where you are.
00:07:17Our "all-animal extravaganza" will be right back.
00:07:58most man.
00:08:00[ horn honks ] [ Female Announcer ] AND ONE DAY STARTS TODAY.
00:08:031-Day acuvue® moist®brand contact lenses.
00:08:07Wear them only one dayso they're always fresh.
00:08:10Always comfortable.
00:08:35[ Cheers and applause ] janet's here with popeye -- ah guh g who is an anteater from, what, south america?
00:08:44And what's popeye's nickname or this species' nickname?
00:08:47They're actually a tamandua is what they're known as.
00:08:50Yeah, but you know what I'm talking about.
00:08:51Oh, yeah -- the stinkers of the forest.
00:08:53For those of you watching without "smell-o-vision," I get battle pay for this one.
00:08:57Let me tell you.
00:09:00He's a bit ripe.
00:09:01Think about it.
00:09:01He's from the rain forest.
00:09:04He's a solitary mammal.
00:09:05Yeah, and I know y he's a solitary mammal.
00:09:09How does he communicate?
00:09:09He scent-marks.
00:09:11And in the rain forest, his scent would be just washed away if it weren't really stron oh, okay.
00:09:16Is this attractive to ants?
00:09:18Do ants go, "ooh, what is that incredibly vile smell?
00:09:21Let's go investigate"?
00:09:23No, but he can smell the ants.
00:09:24They don't smell him, but he smells ants.
00:09:27Well, okay, god bless them.
00:09:29And how long do they live?
00:09:30These guys -- nine years, six months is the longest recorded life-span of a tamandua.
00:09:36Yeah, but even after that, they sort of leave something behind wherever they go.
00:09:42It's been a pleasure meeting you.
00:09:44Here are a few animals that are a little closer to home.
00:09:48Air wick, anybody?
00:09:54Woman: Okay, the cat looks like she's finished.
00:09:57She's walking away.
00:09:58Bergeron: Some dogs beg for scraps.
00:10:01Some take a more subtle approach.
00:10:20Oh, my goodness, he got it.
00:10:28Have you ever wondered how the goose got its name?
00:10:38If you're gonna live to a ripe, old pig age, you always have to have an escape route.
00:10:58Woman: "Clap for me.
00:10:59" she may have all the rough edges of a bear, but she can still walk like a lady.
00:11:10Oh, wowee!
00:11:10Look at you!
00:11:18After halloween, please dispose your jack-o'-lanterns so your pooch doesn't get prematurely pumpkined.
00:11:34[ Barking ] the really impressive thing is he carved the pumpkin himself.
00:11:49Aw, there he is, a jack-o'-lantern terrier.
00:11:54And what's more fun than a minivan full of monkeys?
00:11:59Man: He can't get up.
00:12:01He's been trying so hard to get up there, and he can't.
00:12:04Woman: Aw, look at him.
00:12:06Boy: Oh, you big monkey.
00:12:10[ Laughter ] so here's the thing.
00:12:21We're doing this one-hour special.
00:12:23It's all about animals and loving animals, and I'm sitting here between katy and michael.
00:12:28Are you an animal lover?
00:12:30And so, I turned to michael while you were watching -- are you an animal lover?
00:12:34No, and, you know, I got to tell you something.
00:12:36I've had enough run-ins with animals over the years that I'm a little dicey on the whole proposal, too.
00:12:42I got some of my home movies that chronicle my wilder relationships with animals.
00:12:47Take a look.
00:12:53Woman: Oh, are you all right?
00:12:59Yeah, absolutely right.
00:13:01Oh, yeah, you laugh.
00:13:04You laugh.
00:13:05Wait a minute.
00:13:05Now, this will help sell it.
00:13:08I went on a camel ride a few years back.
00:13:11It wasn't exactly " do you find my pain amusing?
00:13:34Not to be deterred, I wanted to give animals a fair shot despite those two occurrences.
00:13:39So I even spent one summer working on a ranch.
00:13:44[ Mooing ] yeah.
00:13:54And apart from my run-ins, you know, my family -- a whole bunch of animal lovers.
00:14:01My uncle, for example, collected exotic birds.
00:14:04Okay, now, you don't get behind the bird.
00:14:15This is -- [ chuckles ] see, I share my pain, you laugh, I heal.
00:14:20That's how it works.
00:14:22Here are some animal lovers in this next segment that I think you'll enjoy.
00:14:36...Is native to north america.
00:14:38They eat plants, animals, or whatever they find at the drive-up window.
00:14:49Man: He'll eat anything.
00:14:59...Is commonly found on the african savannah.
00:15:02They have long necks so they can see oncoming traffic.
00:15:06[ Tires screeching ] they can eat up to 600 pounds of food a day, beverage optional.
00:15:30Don't move a monkey.
00:15:31Our all-animal extravaganza will return.
00:18:34[ Cheers and applause ] ohh.
00:18:41There is this old saying that there are no bad dogs, just bad owners.
00:18:46And there's another saying -- oh, yeah?
00:18:48Therearebad dogs.
00:18:50And here are some ways to tell if you've got one of them.
00:18:55Woman: In the room, ..
00:19:01You know you've got a bad dog when fruit has a longer shelf life than the pillows in your house.
00:19:09And we see this, hiding in the corner.
00:19:14You know you've got a bad dog when he chases cars in your car.
00:19:26You know you've got a bad dog when you can't read your mail without drying it off first.
00:19:39You know you've got a bad dog when you've got to borrow money from him.
00:19:55Man: Good girl.
00:19:56And finally, you know you've got a bad dog when every game you play ends in a tie.
00:20:16We've been talking about a lot of different kinds of animals this hour.
00:00:18[Growling] huh?
00:00:24Ultron, we would have words with thee.
00:00:31Aah! aah!
00:00:39Pym! pym!
00:01:07Mr. hulk, you have to get up!
00:01:10You have to help us, please!
00:01:14Aah! ugh!
00:01:26Ultron killed our parents.
00:01:29He's killing us, and--and--and you're scared of him.
00:01:34Ultron's just a stupid robot, an can beat you up, and he said you were ugly.
00:01:39He said you were a big wimp and that he was stronger than you.
00:01:47Now ends the avengers.
00:01:50[Screaming] [grunting] [screaming throughout] hulk is strongest there is!
00:02:28Uh-oh? what do you mean uh-oh?
00:02:31[Growling] [screaming] aah!
00:02:43Betty: Hulk?
00:03:04No sting hulk anymore!
00:03:10Never again.
00:03:11I promise.
00:03:18Oh, betty.
00:03:21Hello, hulk.
00:03:26Are you ready?
00:03:46It's not over.
00:03:49It might take a while.
00:03:52But ultron's systems are designed to repair.
00:03:54As long as there is enough of him, he can always come back.
00:03:59Then we have to take him somewhere he can't come back.
00:04:09What are you doing?
00:04:11Making sure my family is safe.
00:04:34[Screaming] [gasping] Man:..
00:05:03Thee have earned it.
00:05:12You have done me proud, torunn.
00:05:16In facing your mortality, you learned the very same lesson that odin strove to teach me.
00:05:24You learned what it meant to be human.
00:05:28That is why I left you with the avengers, because in all the gods of asgard none have the humanity that make a true hero.
00:05:39Come home, torunn.
00:05:41Come home to asgard.
00:05:57I can't believe I'm saying this.
00:06:00My home is with my family on earth.
00:06:05I know, my daughter, but know that the doors to asgard are always open to you and when the time comes, you will be welcomed.
00:06:37Dad says hi.
00:06:39[Laughing] solar power cells recharged.
00:06:47As I was saying, the savage lan quite lovely.
00:06:51I--oh, my.
00:06:53Have I missed something?
00:06:55[Laughing] man, it's been a long day.
00:07:05Well, it's not over, short stuff.
00:07:06There's about 10,000 robots in ultra city that need arrows in their heads.
00:07:13So, are you up for a little avenging?
00:07:17Avengers, assemble!
00:07:25Captioning made possible bydisney abc cable networks group captioned by the nationalcaptioning institute captioning made possible bydisney-abc cable networks group Man: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, ..
00:10:30[Explosion] [low growl] [heavy breathing] [snarl] [growl] , but we had no choice.
00:10:54When you get angry, bruce, when you're overcome by rage, you are a force of destruction.
00:11:03[Snarls] o, most divine creator, ..
00:11:15And pray for the health of sakaar, for we are a divided and dying world.
00:11:23Through the ancient prophets, you have promised us a warrior savior.
00:11:31Iron Man: You fear nothing, and even the mightiest heroes of earth cannot deter you.
00:11:38[Roars] a warrior who looks into the eyes of death and stands his ground.
00:11:47Iron Man: The madder you get, the stronger you get, and there is no limit to your rage.
00:11:52A warrior with boundless strength, whose power knows no end.
00:11:57We picked your destination carefully-- a planet full of vegetation and game, no intelligent life-forms.
00:12:06[Roars and grunts] there will be-e-e no--no one there to hurt you and no one you can hurt.
00:12:14[ALARM BEEPING] Computer: WARNING.
00:12:16Guidance system off-line.
00:12:18Trajectory altered.
00:12:20Iron Man: I know you must hate us, bruce, but you always said you wanted to be left alone.
00:12:26May you finally find peace.
00:12:31[Alarms beeping] [grunts] and thisor shall strike down all evil, unite all kingdoms, and, through his blood, shall restore life to all of sakaar.
00:12:49O, most divine creator, deliver to us our savior, the sakaarson.
00:13:04[Gasps] [hulk roars] [choir vocalizing] [roars] [fires crackling] [metal creaks] [groans] [groans] [grunting] [growls] [trilling] [growls] [hiss] [grunts] [growls] [grunting] [screams] [all snarling] [hulk grunting] [screams] [all snarling] [roars] [all growling and snarling] [speaking in native language] [growls] [grunts] [growls] [beeps] [warrior speaking in native language] by order of the lord emperor of sakaar, all debris of value which exits the great portal is imperial property.
00:16:22[Groans] [snarls] isn't right.
00:16:30First finders, that is the law.
00:16:33He belongs to us!
00:16:37Now, kneel.
00:16:46[Groans] the talkbots have reached your brain by now, beast, which means you understand me.
00:16:56So, on your knees.
00:16:58[Growls] kneel.
00:17:01[Growls and grunts] [screaming] [groans] close enough.
00:17:30No, no. miek no good.
00:17:32Miek dies easy.
00:17:34Somebody break the door. let miek out!
00:17:37You, brick man, knock it open!
00:17:40Sit down.
00:17:41Oh. but miek not a fighter.
00:17:44Miek a hider.
00:17:46Oh, very thin-shelled and very-- waah! hey, look.
00:17:52That one awake.
00:17:54You, snap your chains!
00:17:57 [growls] that's enough, miek.
00:18:02You won't regain your full strength for a while, an unfortunate effect of passing through the portal.
00:18:09I am laven.
00:18:10Where am i?
00:18:11Inside an imperial transport.
00:18:13You've been sold as a slave.
00:18:15The hulk is no one's slave!
00:18:20[Growls] [metal creaks] easy. hulk, is it?
00:18:26They're unbreakable.
00:18:27You need to save your strength for the games.
00:18:31We are en route to the coliseum, where our deaths are scheduled for today's entertainment.
00:18:39Miek a hider, not a fighter.
00:18:42Today, wes, miek, and we must stand together if we hope to survive this.
00:18:49You have a plan?
00:18:50Yes, korg, I do.
00:18:51We'll use your strength and endurance to our advantage by having you hold the front line.
00:18:56You'll be tasked with weakening our opponents.
00:18:58Hulk, we'll need you to fight alongside him.
00:19:02[Grunts] hiroim, your battles during the spike wars are legendary.
00:19:07You bring obvious skill, as well as speed and agility.
00:19:12In hand-to-hand combat.
00:19:14I, too, should be on the front line.
00:19:16You'll serve best in second position along with hiroim and myself.
00:19:20Miek, you and the other natives will join elloe in the final position.
00:19:25No, no, no! we object!
00:19:28We are hived. he is outcast.
00:19:32Have you heard nothing I've said?
00:19:34We fight as a team, or we die.
00:19:37You dema too much.
00:19:38Especially for one who has served the red king.
00:19:43How dare you question his loyalty!
00:19:46Commander laven is only a prisoner because he joined the resistance to fight against that bloody tyrant.
00:19:51It's all right, elloe.
00:19:53 [engine whirring] we've arrived.
00:24:13Greetings, citizens and oligarchs.
00:24:18Welcome to the crown city coliseum!
00:24:22[Metal clanks and engines whir] allow me to introduce today's contenders, .. [crowd cheering] hoping they live longer than the last ones.
00:24:43[Miek yelps] low me to introduce their opponents-- red-hot and ready to rumble-- [crowd cheering] [magma bubbling] no. it can't be.
00:25:18Margus, I thought you were all dead.
00:25:21What--[grunts] [crowd cheering] hulk! get back over here!
00:25:34Oh, korg is down.
00:25:37Not so good.
00:25:40You got your wish, android.
00:25:42Now we're the front line.
00:25:44Good. no, android!
00:25:46 [grunts] [grunts] [grunts] [both grunting] [cheering] [growling] [cracking] [grunting] [all grunting] [crowd cheering] [grunts and groans] [grunts] move!
00:26:37[Grunts] [screams] [crowd cheering] [gasps] laven!
00:26:45We have to help him!
00:26:46We do not take orders from imperials.
00:26:50Let's get the one that's down.
00:26:52We can finish it!
00:26:55[All grunting] [growling and snarling] the natives are down.
00:27:02[Groans] very messy.
00:27:04Should have been hiders.
00:27:06[Groans] [both grunt] [beeps] [grunts] hiroim!
00:27:20[Panting] korg, we can't defeat them.
00:27:24Only you can.
00:27:25They are my brothers.
00:27:28They used to be.
00:27:29Their minds are gone. korg, please!
00:27:32[Crowd cheering] [gasps] [growls] [grunting] [grunts] [grunts and groans] [grunts] [gasps] [gasps] no.
00:28:04[Snarls] laven.
00:28:13No. [crying] no.
00:28:15Margus, stop this.
00:28:17You have to listen to me.
00:28:19Please-- [grunts] brother!
00:28:22[Grunting] [crowd gasps] [groaning] [both grunting] [growls] [all grunting and growling] [roars] [all grunt] [crowd cheering] [elloe weeping] [crowd shouting] [METAL GROANING] Miek: HURRY!
00:29:09Faster! the red king will see us.
00:29:13Red king? there.
00:29:15This is his planet.
00:29:16We just living here.
00:29:19Well, sire?
00:29:20Not bad.
00:29:21But what about the green one there?
00:29:23Does he not fight?
00:29:24Oh, he'll fight.
00:29:27[Snarls] finally!
00:29:30Now I know who to smash!
00:29:33No. no!
00:29:34Miek: No, no, no! wrong way.
00:29:35Announcer: A stunning upset, yes.
00:29:40So perhaps it's time for a brief educational interlude.
00:29:46[Crowd roars] let's explore the feeding habit of our planet's most ferocious predator, the cavaranthus mazorus, more commonly known as the great devil corker!
00:30:00Oh, fratz.
00:30:01[Great devil corker roars] [screeching] [all screaming] [roars] [roa [screeching] [both roar] [great devil corker roars and screeches] [crowd cheering] [growls] [roars] impressive display, monster.
00:31:15I'll have primus throw an extra bone in your cage tonight.
00:31:22[Growls] [roars] [grunts] [crowd cheering] [grunts] permission to execute him, my lord.
00:31:43No. wait.
00:31:44I'll take care of this one myself.
00:31:48[Groans] the choice is yours, monster.
00:32:00Die on your feet or groveling in the dirt.
00:32:04[Growls] dirt it is, then.
00:32:08[Grunts] [crowd gasps] [grunts] [grunts] [screams] [snarls] [grunts] arm yourself!
00:32:31[Chuckles] you don't learn, do you?
00:32:35Oh, I learn.
00:32:39Now hulk slash!
00:32:42[Grunts] aah!
00:32:43[Crowd gasps and cheers] [growls] you're strong, slave, but you're no match for me.
00:32:58Is that so?
00:33:00[Grunts] [both grunt] [grunting] [grunts] [crowd cheering] [growls] [growls] [screams] [crowd gasps] [grunts] [grunts] [crowd booing] finish him, my lord.
00:33:59 no, the people would think their king unfair.
00:34:06Your emperor grants this gladiator his life so that he may continue fighting for your entertainment.
00:34:13[Cheering and applause] he bled you, sire, in front of the crowd.
00:34:24Is it wise to let him live?
00:34:26Who said anything about letting him live?
00:35:02Still eating chef boyardee, ain't you, lizzy bear?
00:35:05It's liz.
00:35:06Let me ask you a question.
00:35:06Does ravioli protect you from monsters?
00:35:09No. cuz it was my job.
00:35:11Then you got too grown up for a nightlight.
00:35:13But not the saucy ravioli?i don't understand.
00:35:16What's the problem?
00:35:18This is getting weird.
00:35:19Weird? you want weird?
00:35:20I heard you talking in your sleep.
00:35:21And that's some messed up stuff.
00:35:24We gonna talk about boys, or what?
00:35:26Chef boyardee big beef ravioli.
00:35:28The saucy, meaty tasteyou never outgrow.
00:01:48(cheering) Scaring people can be an art.
00:01:57Well, sometimes it's art's wife doing the scaring, but sometimes it's not even a person at all.
00:02:02Sometimes the scaring is being done by an animal.
00:02:08(man laughing) don't do it!
00:02:12Don't do it! get away! get away! get away!
00:02:15COME ON. DON'T DO IT. (laughing) GET AWAY.
00:02:18Get away! get away! aah!
00:02:21(both laughing) Get it off! get it off!
00:02:27Aah! aah! get it off!
00:02:29This is what happens when an iguana meets a chicken.
00:02:35Aah! get it off!
00:02:37(laughing) Get it off! come on. come on.
00:02:40Oh, my god. come on, take it off!
00:02:43Come on. take it off. just take it off.
00:02:46I am! you won't let me.
00:02:48Take it off. don't put it on my head.
00:02:52Line up, ladies. he's still single.
00:02:56(laughing) Get away. get away. come on.
00:03:00Don't. don't, man. come on!
00:03:03That's enough.
00:03:05(continues laughing) You might have trouble seeing that spider.
00:03:12You'll have no trouble seeing her reaction.
00:03:20(laughter) They have a lot of fancy equipment in that warehouse, including a brand-new rat-apult.
00:03:37(speaking indistinctly) Aah! aah!
00:03:48Well, no, you can look right in the bottom ..
00:03:52(speaks indistinctly) Aah!
00:03:56Aah! aah! aah!
00:04:00(laughs) (woman) ROBIN MENTIONED THAT YOU GUYS HAD A mouse down here.
00:04:04(woman) A WHAT? A MOUSE DOWN HERE THAT ONE Time?
00:04:08No, no. out in the yard by the neighbors.
00:04:11After they pull this joke, they're gonna have one more piece of laundry to do.
00:04:16Okay, michael, thank you, darl--aah!
00:04:19(bleep) (bleep) WHO DID THIS? (bleep) AAH! AAH!
00:04:25Look at this, aunt mary!
00:04:28Aunt mary! aunt mary!
00:04:32(cheers and applause) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:04:40the number 9 practical joke on our countdown is a real feel-good halloween clip.
00:04:45In it, a scarecrow gives a trick-or-treater some candy, ..
00:04:52Some punch.
00:04:54Number 9-- " (woman) I SWEAR, THEY'RE GONNA PAY FOR HIM.
00:05:02Don't take one-- get!
00:05:04Aah! aah!
00:05:05You scared my brother.
00:05:08(speaking indistinctly) Gonna get you.
00:05:13(evil laughter) I got two guys-- (laughs) AAH!
00:05:23(gasps) Are you all right?
00:05:26(laughing) Oh, god.
00:05:30(laughing) (cheering) (laughs) Being a good friend involves listening, caring and earning a person's complete trust, because without trust, it's much harder to lure them into a situation where you can scare their pants off.
00:05:53(chirping) (speaking indistinctly) Sir, it's not the little bird doing that, .. old crow.
00:06:04(laughing) (laughing) What's there to do when it rains on spring break?
00:06:29(man laughing) (woman) TOTALLY. HE'LL ENJOY IT.
00:06:38(laughing) I need to get a picture.
00:06:43(laughing) THIS IS... (laughing) (man) ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF, JASON?
00:06:56Am I proud of myself?
00:06:58I'm proud of myself beyond belief.
00:07:06(laughter) Oh, man.
00:07:20Who did that?
00:07:22(laughter) Here's the best way to let friends know they've been crashing on your couch too long.
00:07:57WHOA. WHAT (bleep)?
00:07:59(bleep) (laughter) (bleep) (bleep) (speaking indistinctly) Don't let your kid fall in with the wrong crowd, or he could fall victim to "the hit him in the head with a spoon" trick.
00:08:15(man) ISN'T IT BEHIND, THOUGH?
00:08:18(laughing) (mouth full) READY? ALL RIGHT.
00:08:25All right.
00:08:26(laughing) I can't do it.
00:08:28Come on. lower now.
00:08:30(laughing) Come on, darren.
00:08:37(laughing) (speaking indistinctly) (laughing) Watch. he's, like, awesome at this game.
00:08:53 he's like the reigning-- reigning champion.
00:08:57(clinks) (laughing) Ow!
00:09:01 he's like the reigning-- reigning champion.
00:09:05(clinks) (laughing) Ow!
00:09:11(cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:09:16we love the star of our number 8 clip, because he goes the extra mile.
00:09:21Instead of just being scared halfway to death, he gets scared all the way to ridiculous.
00:09:28Number 8-- " (man) IT'S NOT IN HERE.
00:09:35(speaks indistinctly) (high-pitched scream) (high-pitched scream) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:09:50if you'd liketo see your video ññcñ ]At&t introduces phone ..
00:11:37Oh, too much?
00:11:3799, and get on.
00:11:41Only from at&t.rethink possible.
00:11:45recipe love?
00:11:47Try mini crescent dogs.
00:11:48Just unroll the dough, roll up, bake, and present.
00:11:54Very impressive!
00:11:55And very easy.
00:11:56For this recipe and more,visit
00:12:01♪♪ Hefty ♪♪
00:12:02♪♪ Stinky ♪♪
00:12:02♪♪ Hefty ♪♪
00:12:03♪♪ Stinky, stinky ♪♪
00:12:05♪♪ Hefty, Hefty, Hefty ♪♪
00:12:06[ Announcer ]Hefty Bags with UnscentedOdor Block Technology...
00:12:08help neutralize odorsand stop the stinkies.
00:12:11♪♪ Stinky, stinky, stinky ♪♪
00:12:12♪♪ Hefty, Hefty, Hefty ♪♪♪
00:12:23(cheering) Well, they say you can't kid a kidder, but we've found that you can kid a kid.
00:12:30It's actually pretty easy, and as long as you don't gotoofar, it's an awful lot of fun.
00:12:36Re's the best way for a sister to get back at her brothers-- with a little help from satan.
00:12:46Here I am!
00:12:49(all screaming) nd crying) Close your eyes. no.
00:13:06Close them.
00:13:09To a 12-year-old girl, nothing is scarier than a bad haircut.
00:13:15Oh. oh. oh, my god.
00:13:17Oh, my god! oh, my god!
00:13:20Oh, no!
00:13:22(crying) Oh, no.
00:13:25(man) WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG?
00:13:30Look. you still got it.
00:13:33It's only pretend.
00:13:35(laughing) And you think bedbugs are a problem?
00:13:48(laughing) Dirty little bugs! aah!
00:13:52(man) SETTING THE STAGE...
00:13:57(laughs) Chase.
00:14:02Aah! aah! aah!
00:14:06(laughing) (cheering) The man in our next countdown clip has fallen victim to this exact same practical joke before and he swears it's not gonna happen again.
00:14:19His resolve is strong.
00:14:21His nerves--pretty weak.
00:14:25" ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:14:30(machine whirring) (woman) I BET-- I BET THAT WOULD-- Listen. listen.
00:14:35(whirring continues) He gets so aggravated.
00:14:39(whirring continues) (woman) WELL, THEN QUIT IT. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
00:14:43He's staying there.
00:14:44(whirring continues) Oh, you ain't gonna screw with me on that damn thing.
00:14:48 sammy tenn had-- I-I (bleep) ALL OVER MYSELF With one of them things with sam tenn.
00:14:54I know damn well what it is. what is it?
00:14:56 you're gonna say-- (high-pitched squeaking) AAH!
00:15:04(laughing) (cheering) You know those, uh, plastic mats that protect your carpet?
00:15:19They have those prickly points on the bottom to keep them from sliding.
00:15:23Well, these next people turned theirs upside down-- prickly pointy side up-- and told their friends to take their shoes off at the door.
00:15:31It's what you can call anunwelcomemat.
00:15:35(boy) JUST BE QUIET. (giggles) Ow.
00:15:42(laughter) Ouch. ow! ow.
00:15:53Aah! aah!
00:15:57Oh, no! ow.
00:16:00(laughter) (woman) THEY GOT HIM.
00:16:02(man) GET OUT OF THE WAY! JEEZ.
00:16:06(laughter) (cheerinheering) (chuckles) WHEN PULLING A PRANK, There's only one way for it to go right, t there are plenty of ways for it to go wrong.
00:16:19Around here, we don't really care who ends up with pie on their face, just as long as there's pie.
00:16:26(man) THREE... TWO...
00:16:28This joke almost takes the cake.
00:16:31Okay, dave is gonna come through the door any minute now.
00:16:36Oh, my god. I don't believe it.
00:16:39(laughing) (boy) OH, BOY! (laughs) Did you see that puppy teeter?
00:16:51Could've been worse.
00:16:53Could've been like this.
00:16:55(man chuckles) (laughing) Is that all?
00:17:08Come here, quick.
00:17:13(man) PAUL?
00:17:17Ha ha ha ha!
00:17:18Oh, that was great.
00:17:19That was so worth hiding in a stinky garbage can.
00:17:24Now get out.
00:17:29IF THIS WAS... (laughs) YOU GOT IT ON CAMERA. (laughs) (man speaks indistinctly) AAH! (laughs) Every washing machine comes with an agitator.
00:17:56(laughing) Aah!
00:18:02(man laughing) Revenge is a dish best served with cream pie.
00:18:09I got a wash right here. see this?
00:18:12This one? yeah.
00:18:13Aah! aah!
00:18:15(laughing) (laughing) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:18:31what is the best way to wish your mom a happy birthday?
00:18:35"A"--throw her a surprise party, "b"--buy her flowers or "c"-- put on a grim reaper costume and frighten her in a darkened garage at 4:30 in the morning?
00:18:45If you said "c," congratulations.
00:18:46You'll enjoy the next clip in our countdown.
00:18:50Number 6-- " my mom's 50th birthday present that I gave her 00 in the morning-- I didn't realize what I did till after i did it, and I was wearing this costume I'm about to show you.
00:19:05 this is what she has seen.
00:19:09(horror theme plays) (man) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!
00:19:13Aah! aah!
00:19:16(speaking indistinctly) Y birthday, mom.
00:19:25(cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:19:34♪♪ ♪♪
00:19:36♪♪ it's that chocolate ♪♪
00:19:38♪♪ it's that whipped cream ♪♪
00:19:39♪♪ it's that caramel,and espresso you mix in ♪♪
00:19:43♪♪ I must be, I must be,i must be, I must be ♪♪
00:19:46♪♪ I must be dreamin' ♪♪
00:19:47[ Male Announcer ] FOR THEFIRST TIME at McDonald's -- your two favorite flavorstogether.
00:19:53new McCafé caramel mocha.
00:19:54Well?what do you guys think?
00:19:58[ Male Announcer ] THE SIMPLEJOY OF SWEET Harmony.
00:20:01♪♪ ♪♪
00:20:18♪♪ ♪♪
00:20:22Your change.
00:20:23It's nice to knowyou can trust people.
00:20:25State farm is counting on it.
00:20:26They want youto talk to your neighbors, then call a state farm agent to find out how you can getdiscounts up to 40%.
00:20:33See, state farminsures 40 million drivers -- that's more than geico and progressive combined.
00:20:3940 Million drivers.
00:20:41More savings.
00:20:42And discounts up to 40%.
00:20:43So call an agentat 1-800-state-farm or go online.
00:21:21It's your fault.
00:21:22Naturally, blame the mucus.
00:21:25Well, I can't breathe.
00:21:25Did you try blowing your nose? of course.
00:21:28[ Both ] AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
00:21:29Instead of blaming me,try new advil congestion relief.
00:21:32What you probably have is swelling due to nasal inflammation, not mucus. and this can help?
00:21:37It treats the real problem of your sinus symptoms, reducing swelling due to nasal inflammation.
00:21:42So I can breathe.
00:21:45The right sinus medicine for the real problem.
00:21:54®0®0@@ P [background chatter] [music playing] getting messed up is just another way of leaving yourself behind.
00:22:57(cheering) Okay.
00:22:59As we reach the halfway point of our countdown, we would like to tear apart one myth for you-- the easter bunny.
00:23:07Now we're not saying he doesn't exist, but we are saying not everyone wants to see him.
00:23:13Number 5-- " (woman) S COMING TO SEE YOU ALL TONIGHT?
00:23:19The easter bunny. the easter bunny.
00:23:23Look at your pretty eggs.
00:23:25(gasps) THEY'RE PRETTY! (laughs) Mom, can we pick 'em out?
00:23:29No, don't bother 'em yet. they're still dryin'.
00:23:33(tap at window) (gasps) OH, MY GOD!
00:23:36(both screaming) (cheering) (laughs) THERE ARE BASICALLY Two types of practical jokers-- those who plan elaborate setups with multiple accomplices and synchronized watches, and those who say, I'm just gonna put on a scary " ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:24:05(man) SAY HI, CHRIS.
00:24:07(growls) (laughs) (gasps) Oh, my god! I'm gonna kill you both!
00:24:19(bleep) We know what a bear does in the woods.
00:24:23Here's what he does in a warehouse.
00:24:26(growls) AAH!
00:24:28(bleep) (bleep) (laughing) (speaks indistinctly) When you're putting on a mask to scare your cat, you need a girlfriend.
00:24:47(shouts indistinctly) (hisses) (laughs) THIS IS NOT ANY ORDINARY KITCHEN. (woman) Oh, okay.
00:24:52This is the kitchen of the booker mansion.
00:24:53All right.
00:24:55 now come and ..
00:24:58Some say old man booker never left.
00:25:04(screaming) (laughing) What does a 500-pound gorilla scare?
00:25:20(dog barks) Anything he wants.
00:25:24(child) WHO IS IT?
00:25:26Oh! oh!
00:25:28(laughs) I think someone's looking for a safe place to hibernate.
00:25:42Oh, my god!
00:25:45(laughing) (cheers and applause) There are only four more videos to go in our countdown, but this one is especially beautiful due to its timelessness.
00:26:01In fact, the plastic wrap used in the gag will help keep it fresh for years to come.
00:26:08Number 4-- " ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:26:23(laughing) (cheering) Lottery tickets have been around for as long as people have been willing to throw away good money in an attempt to beat astronomical odds, and fake lottery tickets-- well, they've been around as long as people have enjoyed building their and then pulling the rug out from under them.
00:26:44Did we win? no way.
00:26:45(woman) NO WAY, WHAT? (man) NO WAY, WHAT?
00:26:47DID WE WIN ONE? (woman) WE NEVER WIN. COME On.
00:26:49(man) WE NEVER WIN ON THOSE. NO WAY.
00:26:53Why? what's going on? he won.
00:26:55What? I just won 10,000 bucks.
00:26:57YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. (bleep) (bleep) I swear to god. I'm sitting here. he did!
00:27:01John, doesn't this say $10,000?
00:27:03(woman) SHUT UP! WE'RE EATING PIZZA!
00:27:07(man) ARE YOU? MIKE, DON'T (bleep).
00:27:10I JUST WON 10,000 (bleep) DOLLARS.
00:27:13I swear to god!
00:27:15I just won $10,000! I won $10,000!
00:27:20I just won ten-- (man) READ THE BACK. WHERE YOU GONNA REDEEM It?
00:27:24I won ten--oh, my god!
00:27:27(woman laughs) OH, (bleep)!
00:27:38(whooping) (boy) UNCLE MIKE.
00:27:45(boy) DAD. IT WAS A JOKE!
00:27:46DAD... (speaks indistinctly) THIS AIN'T NO Joke.
00:27:49(laughter) It's not r it's a joke.
00:27:58I didn't win 10,000 bucks?
00:28:01(laughter) ..
00:28:05I didn't win 10,000 bucks?
00:28:08THAT IS A NASTY JOKE. (laughs) (cheering) (laughs) NOW IF YOU FEEL BAD FOR THAT POOR Guy, don't worry.
00:28:20He's not alone.
00:28:20In fact, he's exactly like the people in this next montage.
00:28:24They could use a loan.
00:28:25(Leontyne Price singing "Habanera" from "Carmen") Did I win?
00:28:38Are you ready for this?
00:28:40$10,000. Are you ready for this?
00:28:42NO WAY! OH, MY GOD! (man laughs) Oh, my god! oh, my god!
00:28:47Sean, we just won $10,000!
00:28:50Oh, my god! oh, my god! oh, my god!
00:28:52Oh, my god, I'm not kidding!
00:28:55(speaks indistinctly) (screaming and laughing) I won 10 grand!
00:29:01I won $10,000, I swear!
00:29:03(screaming) !
00:29:11(screaming) Oh, my god! oh, my god!
00:29:17(laughter) (laughs) YOU'RE GIVING ME HALF! YOU'RE GIVING Me half!
00:29:27Oh, no!
00:29:33.. your mama's house." (laughter) No way!
00:29:42is it a fake one?
00:29:43(man laughs) YEAH. OH, NO!
00:29:46(laughing) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:29:54(cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:30:57®0®0@@ P P úú p p in.
00:31:42Right now,Smartphones Talk Free.
00:31:44Add any smartphoneto a Family SharePlan and share minutes for free.
00:34:01(cheering) Some people like to trick dogs because they're so full of trust.
00:34:07Well, except for the one in the velvet painting cheating at poker.
00:34:11Even though they have four legs, we still have one leg up on them.
00:34:23great dane--terrible idea.
00:34:31(barks) It's me!
00:34:34(woman laughs) Here's how a setter becomes unsettled.
00:34:53(barking) Next time, I think he'll prefer to dine alone.
00:35:05Ah, autumn-- when the leaves fall and the bulldogs run for cover.
00:35:12(wom (cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:35:22okay, now here's the story of a kid who came home from his first day of school, and he took a nap.
00:35:29When he woke up, he actually thought it was the next morning.
00:35:32The story would have ended there, but dad had a different ending in mind.
00:35:37(man) DID YOU SHOWER?
00:35:40No, I can't.
00:35:43I'll be late.
00:35:45I woke up at 8:17.
00:35:49Ooh, it's dark out.
00:35:51Yeah, it is.
00:35:54Ready to go to school?
00:35:57Ready for your second day of school?
00:36:00Would that be cool?
00:36:01What time are you supposed to be at school?
00:36:04(car door alarm dinging) About 9:00.
00:36:079:00? (laughs) I don't get what's so funny.
00:00:05(laughter) (cheering) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:00:19well, it's all come down to this.
00:00:22It's our final clip of the night, and it's number one with a bullet, cha and the number 1 clip in ourpractical joke countdown-- " (woman) LAST NIGHT, THE BOYS STAYED UP LATE " this morning we found them huddled together under the blankets in one bed, all the lights on.
00:01:01Dad just can't miss this kind of a chance to wake the boys up.
00:01:08(chain saw roars) (laughs) !
00:01:16(cheering) (laughs) I AGREE WITH THOSE KIDS.
00:01:21What's wrong with him?
00:01:21That's theking now.
00:01:25We'll be back very soon, so remember, if you get it on video, you could get it in cash.
00:01:30Good night, everybody.
00:01:31Thank you, everybody. you're great.
00:01:34(cheering) ♪♪
00:02:15("Frosty the Snowman" playing) Tonight on a special "afv"-- we've got some ..
00:02:26(audience screams) ♪♪ Over the hills of snow ♪♪
00:02:30and some whose careers haven't quite taken ..
00:02:34♪♪ I'm flying ♪♪
00:02:36(audience laughing) ♪♪ 'Cause I'm flying ♪♪
00:02:42(applause) (laughter) Now I will make 's head disappear.
00:03:01(audience screams) ..
00:03:04But for others, it's curtains.
00:03:07(speaking indistinctly) (laughter) (woman) WELL DONE, QUINN.
00:03:20Tonight ..
00:03:29And now here he is, the man to help usget down to business-- tom bergeron!
00:03:38(cheers and applause) Thank you very-- look at this! wow.
00:03:46Welcome. thank you very much.
00:03:49Oh, no, no.
00:03:50" couple of visual cues that it's a special-- I'm wearing a tie, and suddenly we have a 2-drink minimum over here.
00:04:03(laughing) Our special tonight is called "no business " now sure there's plenty of talent shows on tv right now, but our show is different.
00:04:12Think of it as alack-of-talent show with pratfalls.
00:04:16Later we'll be showing some people who are quite oddly talented in a burp-on-command kind of way, but not just yet.
00:04:25First up, th (man) HERE'S SANDY DUNE!
00:04:31(woman cheers) Never underestimate the importance of a big entrance.
00:04:40(audience gasps) There's a first time for everythi hey, hey, hey, all you guys and gals out there (singing in foreign language) Is this what they mean by "light opera"?
00:05:00(piano playing) da .. dad!
00:05:13How am I doing?
00:05:15(audience laughs) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:05:32holy dead batteries!
00:05:33You'd better get the batmobile to the bat mechanic!
00:05:41(audience laughing) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:05:50I think she needs to work on some new chord changes.
00:05:55(applause) (speaking foreign language) Some people take puppet shows more seriously than others.
00:06:11(all shouting indistinctly) Aah!
00:06:18It's a great show.
00:06:20I give it eight stools to the head!
00:06:39(chuckles) Aren't you glad we only ask you to applaud and not do this thing with the stool?
00:06:45Dogs are not immune to the lure of the spotlight.
00:06:49Then again, they aren't immune to the lure of toilet water, either, e shouldn't read too much into it.
00:06:57Bang those chairs on your head for our musical mutts.
00:07:02 ♪♪
00:07:06.. ♪♪
00:07:10(dissonant chords playing on piano) ♪♪ Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ♪♪
00:07:18(howls) ♪♪ YOU'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY ♪♪
00:07:23.. ♪♪
00:07:24(barking) (dogs howling loudly) (man) ♪♪ DING, DING, DING, DEE, DING, DING, Ding ♪♪
00:07:38♪♪ ding, ding, ding, ding, ding ♪♪
00:07:42he only sings this during flea and tick season.
00:07:45♪♪ Ding-a-ding ding, swing that paw ♪♪
00:07:48ing-a-ding ding, swing your partner around ♪♪
00:07:50♪♪ come on now, let's get it on down ♪♪
00:07:52(Bob Marley & the Wailers' "Buffalo Soldier" playing) ♪♪ Buffalo soldier ♪♪
00:08:06♪♪ dreadlock rasta ♪♪
00:08:10♪♪ there was a buffalo soldier ♪♪
00:08:14♪♪ in the heart of america ♪♪
00:08:19(dissonant chords playing) (howling) His (dissonant chords playing) (howling) One of them needs tuning.
00:08:46(playing Strauss' "The Blue Danube Waltz") (barks twice) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:08:53(barks twice) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:08:57(barks twice) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:09:01(barks twice) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:09:05(barks twice) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:09:08(barks twice) ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:09:17(barks three times) ..
00:09:25.. past the expiration date. yeah!
00:09:27You know, a lot of people think all the funny people are here in hollywood, and that's not true.
00:09:32There are funny people all over the country-- many of them in our nation's capitol.
00:09:38Here are some people who may or may not be among the funniest people in america.
00:09:45My name is lee.
00:09:46" ♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:10:08.. "zipper tequila"!
00:10:11(playing "Tequila") (zippers squeaking) (both) AAH! TEQUILA!
00:10:33(laughing) (man) YOU GONNA POP YOUR EARS OUT? YES.
00:10:38Go for it.
00:10:43(laughter) (cheering) Hi. my name's leslie carr.
00:10:55And my name's greg lester.
00:11:08(laughs) (woman) STEP AWAY FROM IT.
00:11:14(laughs) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the tongue circus.
00:11:19My name is dan, and this is my brother anthony, and we are the tongue brothers.
00:11:25If I could now have you focus in on the mouth of my brother anthony.
00:11:30Are you ready, anthony?
00:11:58One, two, three, four, five.
00:12:01Let's hear it for my brother anthony!
00:12:06(cheering) when he got to five loops, it looks like he had swallowed a shar-pei or something.
00:12:18You know, little girls today don't just dream of growing up to be singers and dancers.
00:12:24They dream of being divas.
00:12:25When they're in the spotlight, all eyes are on them.
00:12:29Watch closely.
00:12:30You'll see we have no diva deficiency.
00:12:32Introducing the one and only, the most famous, the infamous, THE REAL BEYONCé-- IT IS... (speaks indistinctly) (Beyoncé's "Crazy in Love" playing) (Jay-Z) ♪♪ YES, IT'S SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW ♪♪
00:12:51♪♪ Most incredible, it's ya girl b ♪♪
00:12:57♪♪ it's ya boy, young ♪♪
00:13:01(Beyoncé) ♪♪ UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH, OH, NO, No ♪♪
00:13:03♪♪ uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪♪
00:13:06♪♪ uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪♪
00:13:09♪♪ uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪♪
00:13:12(Jay-Z) ♪♪ HISTORY IN THE MAKIN' ♪♪
00:13:14("Thank Heaven For Little Girls" playing) another show business relationship gone bad.
00:13:48(audience laughing) Looks like somebody's allergic to that song.
00:14:01(woman and children) ♪♪ MARY RODE A DONKEY...
00:14:04(sneezes) (audience laughs and groans) ♪♪ Mary rode a donkey ♪♪
00:14:15♪♪ joseph walked beside her ♪♪
00:14:18♪♪ beside her, beside her ♪♪
00:14:22♪♪ joseph walked beside her ♪♪
00:14:26♪♪ going to bethlehem ♪♪
00:14:39(cheers and applause) That might be the grand finale, but for these two, the show's not quite over yet.
00:14:51(laughter) (man over microphone) DID YOU GET THAT ON Videotape?
00:15:02♪♪ You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain ♪♪
00:15:05♪♪ too much love drives a man insane ♪♪
00:15:08♪♪ you broke my will, oh, what a thrill ♪♪
00:15:11♪♪ I say, goodness gracious ♪♪
00:15:13♪♪ great balls of fire ♪♪
00:15:15they could have a great career in nightclubs, but she can't stay up past 8:00.
00:15:21♪♪ I changed my mind, this love is fine ♪♪
00:15:24♪♪ goodness gracious ♪♪
00:15:25♪♪ great balls of fire ♪♪
00:15:27♪♪ kiss me, baby ♪♪
00:15:30♪♪ ooh ♪♪
00:15:31♪♪ feels good ♪♪
00:15:33♪♪ hold me, baby ♪♪
00:15:34♪♪ well, I want to love you like a lover should ♪♪
00:15:39♪♪ you're fine ♪♪
00:15:41♪♪ so kind ♪♪
00:15:42♪♪ gotta tell this world that you're ♪♪
00:15:43♪♪ mine, m mine ♪♪
00:15:46♪♪ I pick my nails and I twiddle my thumbs ♪♪
00:15:51MOMMY... (speaking indistinctly) ♪♪ Goodness gracious ♪♪
00:15:57♪♪ great balls of fire ♪♪
00:16:05do you mind if I borrow this for a second?
00:16:09I love--i love these.
00:16:10Whoever thought of combining table lamps with shelving?
00:16:14Wow! that's lovely.