American Dad - May the Best Stan Win   View more episodes

Aired at 12:00 AM on Monday, Oct 18, 2010 (10/18/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01So... you're not going to be buried next to me?
00:00:04Francine, it's "till death do us part." At death, we part.
00:00:07You go underground and I go shooting into the air flying around like a crazy robot man.
00:00:13I don't even want to look at you.
00:00:15You can just sleep on the couch tonight!
00:00:17Hey, you guys mind keeping it down?
00:00:19We're shooting a movie in the next room.
00:00:22A movie?
00:00:24Hey, guys, I was eavesdropping, but I found something better to do.
00:00:28I piddled some here on the rug.
00:00:29There's a little blood in it.
00:00:31So... enjoy.
00:00:35Okay, this is the big scene where the mannequin turns into a living transvestite, originally played by Kim Cattrall.
00:00:42And... action!
00:00:43You're the first thing I've ever created that really made me feel like an artist.
00:00:48Sometimes I think you're the dummy!
00:00:52ROGER: Cut! Awful.
00:00:54Who are you?
00:00:55The name's Ira Siegal.
00:00:56I directed the episode ofCybill where Christine Baranski sat on her nuts.
00:01:00The point is, I can direct this thing.
00:01:02Look how many pockets are on his jacket.
00:01:04I think we should let him do it.
00:01:05I'll remakeMannequin on one condition-- we make itGoonies.
00:01:09The Goonies?Why?
00:01:11Look at you four: Fat, nerdy, smart-mouthed, Asian.
00:01:15You guysare the Goonies!
00:01:16♪ What's good enough for you ♪
00:01:20♪ Is good enough for me ♪
00:01:23♪ It's good enough ♪
00:01:26♪ It's good enough for me ♪
00:01:27♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪
00:01:47(snoring) (mumbling): Marinate it with the marinate.
00:01:49Oh, that's not enough marinate.
00:01:51That's too much marinate.
00:01:53Francine! What's going on?
00:01:55I realized I have been selfish.
00:01:57It has been all about me.
00:01:59But it's time we make it all about you.
00:02:01You made me love coupons?
00:02:03Tomorrow's going to be the best Valentine's Day of your life.
00:02:07It starts with brunch and gets progressively more romantic as it goes.
00:02:11It ends with us doing something so dirty, we'll both have intestinal distress for a month.
00:02:17And that's not all.
00:02:18I've also decided to join you in that lovers' coffin.
00:02:21This is the CIA contract that I signed to become a cyborg.
00:02:27Oh, Stan! I love you!
00:02:29(rumbling) (Francine screams) What's happening?!
00:02:43(whirring) Stan, I'm you from the future.
00:02:49We need to talk.
00:02:50Oh, my God, it's me!
00:02:52As a cyborg!
00:02:54I'm awesome!
00:02:55But you tore up the contract.
00:02:59This is the dishwasher warranty!
00:03:02What happens if it breaks down?!
00:03:05It does!
00:03:50O you ladies got there?
00:03:51Wendy's apple pecan chicken salad and a baked potato.
00:03:54A blt cob and a chili.
00:03:55For one price you can pick 2 things.
00:03:58What do you got?
00:04:01Only one thing?
00:04:03I have something else.
00:04:06[Buzz] ♪♪ my pookie bear, you're my pookie bear ♪♪
00:04:09♪♪ my pook-- ♪♪ [beep] now you canpick 2 at wendy's.
00:04:12Any half-size salad and one of 7 tasty options for just $4.99.
00:04:16♪♪You know when it's real ♪♪
00:04:51[ Male Announcer ] IT'S TIME TO TAKE MATTERS Into your own hands.
00:04:55Autozone's got the advice and expertise you need to take on any job.
00:04:58Because do-it-yourself doesn't mean you have to do it alone.
00:05:02Get in the zone. autozone.
00:07:07Francine, look how cool I am as a cyborg!
00:07:10(bizarre accent): Stan, I've traveled back, like, a thousand years, mang.
00:07:13We need to talk "aboot" the future.
00:07:15Why do you have an accent?
00:07:16Yeah, it's like a mix of Mexican and Canadian.
00:07:19Oh, yeah, yeah, America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada in, like, a hundred years or something.
00:07:25My God, a great nation defeated by an army of gardeners and boring people.
00:07:30Stan, in the future, the machines rise up and try to destroy the human race.
00:07:35I need to train you so you can stop it from happening.
00:07:38You'll save the world, mang, eh?
00:07:40I save the world?!
00:07:42I knew it.
00:07:44(bleep) knew it.
00:07:45I can't believe you lied to me about ripping up that contract.
00:07:48That's it. Out of here, both of you!
00:07:50I'm going back to bed alone.
00:07:56I have so much to ask you about the future!
00:07:58Like, do I ever truly fall in love?
00:08:04(whirring) Wakey, wakey, gringo.
00:08:08(groggily): Early...
00:08:08If you're going to save the world in a thousand years, we gotta spend all your time getting ready, okay?
00:08:13The evil machines of the future are based on today's electronics, okay?
00:08:17So take these things apart and learn how they function.
00:08:21How they think, ese.
00:08:23You got a problem with me?!
00:08:25You don't even know me!
00:08:27(grunts) (gasps) Roomba!
00:08:30Stan! I love that thing!
00:08:32She's soft on the machines.
00:08:34Probably betray us.
00:08:35Should we, uh, kill her now?
00:08:36Look, it's Valentine's Day, and I want to go to brunch.
00:08:41Francine, I must train.
00:08:43These coupons say they're good anytime.
00:08:46I'll be in the car.
00:08:47Looks like no training today for me, Future Stan.
00:08:51Not necessarily, "bromigo." Okay, let's go, mama.
00:08:58I'm not going anywhere with you.
00:09:00The coupon didn't say anything about which Stan it has to be.
00:09:03Have fun, you two.
00:09:13Treasure map!
00:09:15Cut! Ugh!
00:09:16We've done this 40 times!
00:09:17What's wrong now? I hate your face!
00:09:19Do it again! (all groan) And... action!
00:09:25A treasure map.
00:09:27One-Eyed Willy buried a treasure that was full of diamonds and emeralds...
00:09:31Give it to me! I'll kill you!
00:09:33The treasure's mine!
00:09:37Oh. Right.
00:09:38Right, well, great work then.
00:09:40Very convincing, Steve.
00:09:41So convincing that I ruined the shot.
00:09:43So, let's take it from the top.
00:09:45Right after I get that treasure!
00:09:47(running footsteps fading into distance, then stop) ROGER: Don't go anywhere, I'm on my way back.
00:09:51I remember what we're doing again.
00:09:54I know this situation isn't exactly ideal for you.
00:09:58But spending the day with a beautiful woman, that's pretty ideal for me, mang.
00:10:03(mechanical whirring) (music playing) It's Japanese funk.
00:10:10Give it a chance, everybody loves it in the future.
00:10:13♪ ♪
00:10:22♪ ♪
00:10:53♪ ♪
00:10:56This actually turned out to be a really nice Valentine's Day.
00:11:02I've missed you.
00:11:03You know, the last time I saw you, you were in the electric chair.
00:11:07You looked so tired.
00:11:08You'd been running for so long.
00:11:12Hey, guys!
00:11:14Stan, what did you do?!
00:11:16I won the first battle, Francine.
00:11:18But not yet the war.
00:11:20I must rest.
00:11:21Ugh! I-I-I can't deal with him right now.
00:11:25(Stan snoring) Oh, I remember that dream.
00:11:29It's a puppy dream.
00:11:30Eat those puppies, Stan.
00:11:32Eat them till you're full.
00:11:42Aren't you gonna eat?
00:11:43I could but it's not logical.
00:11:45It would just be for pleasure.
00:11:48Mmm, this French toast is so good.
00:11:52You have to try it.
00:11:59Nice bite, nardo.
00:12:00Come on, let's train.
00:12:01Okay, Stan, in the future, all fighting happens very low because future armor protects everyone from the mid-calf up.
00:12:08So, I'm gonna show you some kicks and punches that attack the ankles.
00:12:14Okay, so, this is the move.
00:12:15Sweep low, chop low, swing low.
00:12:18Got it. You don't have to tell me twice; I remember it exactly.
00:12:22Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
00:12:25Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
00:12:28Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe...
00:12:33We have to talk about our feelings, homes.
00:12:36I'm a married woman.
00:12:37Yeah, you're married to me, hyna.
00:12:40Oh, yeah.
00:12:42I... I-I guess.
00:12:44I'm Stan.
00:12:45Just a more evolved Stan.
00:12:47A Stan who spent a thousand lonely years without you, mang, and realized you're the most important thing in the world, eh?
00:12:56This is too crazy! Y-Y-You're a robot!
00:13:01CYBORG STAN: That man will let you down again and again.
00:13:05I know because I was that man.
00:13:08You deserve better, dawg.
00:13:10I'm so confused, dawg.
00:13:16(grunting) Stan, we need to talk.
00:13:20What is it, another coupon?
00:13:21The coupons are all gone, brah.
00:13:24But... what about all the sexy coupons at the end?
00:13:30(gasps) You two did the Tennessee Logjammer!
00:13:33Where are the other two guys?
00:13:35And did you at least put my ladder back?
00:13:36This isn't easy to say, but I'm leaving you.
00:13:41For you.
00:13:42In the future.
00:13:43But now. What?
00:13:45You can't leave me for me.
00:13:46And besides, he's only here to train me for the future war.
00:13:50There is no future war.
00:13:52I made it all up.
00:13:52I actually came back to steal Francine from you.
00:13:57You bastard!
00:14:00I guess I should go release the rice cooker from the internment camp.
00:14:16How could you sleep with another man?
00:14:19He's not another man, Stan.
00:14:21He's you.
00:14:22A more thoughtful version of you.
00:14:25He even agreed to get in the lovers' coffin with me when I die.
00:14:29I never die, so I'm just gonna lie next to her forever and stroke her hair and do nice stuff like that to her.
00:14:35Oh, Cybee.
00:14:37I'm more romantic than this joker.
00:14:39You gotta give me another chance.
00:14:41I swear, tomorrow I will give you the most romantic day of your life.
00:14:46I don't know, Present Stan.
00:14:50Thank you! You won't regret it!
00:14:53I hate you.
00:14:54Hey, brah, I make it up to you. How about a handy J?
00:14:57(spitting) What, it's not gay-- it's you on you.
00:15:03Down here it's ourtime!
00:15:05It'sourtime downhere!
00:15:08Ow! What the hell?
00:15:10I'm getting more acting out of the sex doll!
00:15:14Sex doll?!
00:15:15Ew! I've been keeping my gum in its mouth!
00:15:18That's it!
00:15:19I'm through with this movie!
00:15:20I'd rather do another one of my uncle's secret basement movies!
00:15:25But I got too old.
00:15:28Guys, wait.
00:15:28Kids always talk about doing remakes of their favorite movies, but they never see it through.
00:15:34We can't quit.
00:15:35This isourtime.
00:15:36It'sourtime downhere.
00:15:41I'm in.
00:15:42Me, too.
00:15:43Give me that map!
00:15:45The treasure is ours!
00:15:47We're rich, baby!
00:15:48Just like we talked about.
00:15:49(Roger laughs maniacally) (whirring) I know you promised Francine a romantic day tomorrow, but I can't let that happen.
00:16:02Time to send you into the past.
00:16:15Hayley! I overslept. Where's your mom?
00:16:17She went to Hershy Park with your cyborg.
00:16:20(gasps) Thanks for doing the Chocolate Tunnel of Love with me again.
00:16:32I was scared the first time, but once I relaxed, I was surprised how much I liked it.
00:16:43(screams) Don't!
00:16:46Sweep low!
00:16:48Rob Lowe!
00:16:49Chad Lowe!
00:16:53Augustus! No!
00:16:57(grunting) (mechanical whirring) (groans) (screams) Ugh.
00:17:22(Stan groaning) (screams) (laughs) Damn it!
00:17:52Why did I join that stupid cyborg program?
00:17:56If never join the program, you won't exist.
00:17:59I'll just rip up my cyborg contract!
00:18:01(mechanical whirring) Sorry, Stan, I knew we'd think of that.
00:18:05(grunting) You are just a stinker!
00:18:08Francine, listen.
00:18:10I love you. I get it.
00:18:11And I'm going to start being attentive to your wants and needs.
00:18:14If you really believe that, then, here, take the contract.
00:18:19It's your choice, eh?
00:18:21You can rip it up and get your wife back.
00:18:23Or you can let F be happy with me.
00:18:26What's it going to be, ese?
00:18:28What you want or what she wants?
00:18:31What I want! Duh!
00:18:35Oh, my God, what am I saying?
00:18:37I haven't changed.
00:18:40Francine, if it takes a thousand years of loneliness and misery for me to finally understand how to treat you, then so be it.
00:18:49I just want you to be happy.
00:18:56(paper ripping) That's all I needed to hear.
00:19:05The refrigerator manual?!
00:19:07I'm still Stan.
00:19:10(beeping) (beeping) (in slo-mo): Chad... Lowe...!
00:19:26(in slo-mo): Yeah?
00:19:39(groans) Oh, choc-blocked me, bro.
00:19:50I'm never going to let go of this hand, ever again.
00:19:56♪ Never know what's gonna go down at Hershy Park ♪
00:20:01♪ Hershy Park, Hershy Park! ♪
00:20:05Augustus is dead!
00:20:08(sobbing) ♪ At Hershy Park ♪
00:20:10♪ Hershy Park ♪
00:20:11♪ Hershy Park, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪
00:20:26Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH Bye-bye! See you soon.