The King of Queens - Dark Meet   View more episodes

Aired at 02:00 AM on Wednesday, Jan 27, 2010 (1/27/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00Re that is good, ok?
00:00:11 you name one more thing I can't have and I'm gonna bukaaaww ya!
00:00:17Call it.
00:00:18 I don't think there's anything in here that you can have.
00:00:22How about stuffing? a little stuffing.
00:00:23Come on, I love you.
00:00:28It's stuff I'll remold it, I'll even it out.
00:00:35Hey, look at me. no one has to know.
00:00:39Ah, ah, ah, look--look it here.
00:00:42I found something that you can have.
00:00:45 oh, this is, uh, this is great.
00:00:49 'cause it's like lunch, only a lot smaller. this is going to be perfect.
00:00:54Thank you very much.
00:01:06I'm stuffed!
00:01:08♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪
00:01:11♪ my back is gettin' tight ♪
00:01:14♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪
00:01:16♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪
00:01:18♪ but I don't care,'cause all I want to do ♪
00:01:24♪ is cash my check and driveright home to you ♪
00:01:30♪ 'cause, baby,all my life ♪
00:01:32♪ I will be drivin' hometo you ♪
00:02:41..i, for one,am stuffed.
00:02:47not a good day to be my pants.
00:02:53There aren't a lotof real good days.
00:02:57That's nice, very nice, after we just fed you.
00:02:59Carrie, the foodwas unbelievable.
00:03:01Oh, excellent.
00:03:02Yes, honey,it was delicious. thank you.
00:03:03thank the good folks at " yeah, but who wentand picked it up?
00:03:10Actually, they--theydropped it off.
00:03:12Well, come on, girl,who re-heated it?
00:03:15That's true, I did.ok, ok, pride is back. knowthe food is good when it knocksa man out cold.
00:03:26Hey, you wanna stickhis hand in warm water, see if we canmake him pee?
00:03:28 it'll be niceto be on the other end of that for once.
00:03:34Even if it does work,aren't you just going to be ruining your own couch?
00:03:38A good point,good point.
00:03:40Let's see here.
00:03:41Oh, thisis perfect. this is great.
00:03:49Oh, man. shh!
00:03:51Sorry. shh!
00:03:58It's funny, right?
00:04:01Actually, my kid could look exactly like that.
00:04:07Doug, what the hell are you doing to him?
00:04:10Just dressing him up like a big baby, relax.
00:04:12Stop it!
00:04:13Just killin' time till dessert.
00:04:15Doug, it's thanksgiving. could you be nice?
00:04:17I think I have a right to mess with him on thanksgiving.
00:04:20Dessert's up.
00:04:21What are you talking about?
00:04:22 remember how he tortured me the first thanksgiving I met him?
00:04:26My god, it was hell.
00:04:26 it was a great day.
00:04:29It was the first time I got the nerve up " it wasn't so hard after I told you.
00:04:36What? you think you told me first?
00:04:39Si, senorita.
00:04:41Uh, I think I told you first, senor.
00:04:43 I went spanish.
00:04:53That got you up?
00:04:54You know what? dad will know.
00:04:57Dad, do you remember meeting doug for the first time on thanksgiving?
00:05:00Of course I remember meeting doug.
00:05:02I believe it was thanksgiving.
00:05:08Daddy, we're going to the thanksgiving party now.
00:05:11Have fun, sweetheart.
00:05:13 you touch one hair on her head, I'll gut you like a fish. scram!
00:05:22Dad, that was donny peacock, and we were 8 years old.
00:05:27And he ran out of the house crying.
00:05:29I am talking about meeting doug, on thanksgiving.
00:05:33You don't remember?
00:05:41I'll take the thanksgiving special, kimiko.
00:05:45Yes, arthur-son.
00:05:51No, that couldn't be the one.
00:05:55Dad, 1993, I had been dating doug a few months, you were still married to lily. you remember?
00:06:10Here you go, a little taste of what's coming.
00:06:13Delicious, as are you, m'lady.
00:06:19 my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute, any chance we can get dinner going before you guys get to 3rd base?
00:06:29You heard her, get off.
00:06:32So, uh, who is this, uh, happerman fellow?
00:06:35Heffernan, dad, doug heffernan.
00:06:38He's the guy I've been dating for 6 months.
00:06:40Any relation to lou heffernan?
00:06:41I don't know. uh, where's the ladle?
00:06:43Wouldn't that be funny if they were related, huh?
00:06:46Yes, that would be very, very funny, lily.
00:06:48Listen, um, by the way, you guys, I took down your naked poster please don't fight me on that.
00:06:55So, what is this young man's line of work, anyway?
00:06:58Uh, he's training to be a driver at i.p.s.
00:07:04Dad, it's a good job.
00:07:05Yeah, it's a swell job, until they invent a machine to do it.
00:07:09Come on, who are you to talk?
00:07:10You polish bowling balls for a living.
00:07:13I polish and engrave them.
00:07:14Show me the machine that can do that.
00:07:17Leave her alone, arthur.
00:07:19I'm glad she finally found a boy she's serious about.
00:07:23Has he told you he loves you yet?
00:07:25 he's not the, uh, "say I love you out loud" type of guy.
00:07:31I know I'm not your mother, dear, but may I still offer you a word of advice?
00:07:36Oh, sure.
00:07:37If you want to make a sale, you got to let the customer sample the merchandise.
00:07:43Absolutely. I will do him in his car tonight.
00:07:56Gotcha. damn.
00:07:58Oh! it's worth the mini-puke to be the best.
00:08:02See, that's where we're different.
00:08:03I'm not that committed.
00:08:06Hello, douglas!
00:08:08 hey, this is the guy I was telling you about from work.
00:08:11Deacon palmer, spence olchin.
00:08:13At your service. word up, spence.
00:08:14" so, doug, are you nervous about meeting carrie's family?
00:08:20Yeah, I kind of am, you know?
00:08:22I thought I would have met 'em sooner but, uh, apparently they spend a lot of time in the orient.
00:08:27So you guys are starting to get serious.
00:08:29I think so. I think so.
00:08:32Oh. have you said the "l-word" yet?
00:08:36Not yet.
00:08:37It's cocked and loaded, though.
00:08:38Today could be the day.
00:08:40Gonna tell her you love her?
00:08:42The only time I heard you use that word was talking about pork snacks and mookie wilson.
00:08:47Well, carrie's about to join that exclusive club.
00:08:51Ho ho ho.
00:08:52♪ Do do do do ♪
00:08:53♪ doug and carrie ♪
00:08:55♪ can't touch them ♪
00:09:01ok, this baby is ready for action.
00:09:05Good heavens, we've got a lot of food here.
00:09:07Hope your doug fellow likes to eat.
00:09:09I think we're good.
00:09:11Oh, arthur, I told you 2 hours ago to clean up all these boat brochures.
00:09:16Well, I'm sorry, but I'm right on the verge of a decision.
00:09:20Stop it, arthur.
00:09:21We are not buying a boat.
00:09:22Oh, come on, lily darling.
00:09:23I even have a name all picked out for her.
00:09:26Thelily darling.
00:09:28[Radio playing] ♪ know what I mean ♪
00:09:37arthur, you are such a dreamer!
00:09:39 all I have to do is go to the bank, get a loan, and 5 minutes later I'm captain arty of thelily darling.
00:09:45It is not that simple to get a loan, arthur.
00:09:48Boats are very expensive.
00:09:50 so is this your way of rubbing the bankruptcy in my face?
00:09:59♪ Saw her picture in a magazine ♪
00:10:03♪ ba dum dum ♪
00:10:04why don't you go back to the street corner where I found you?
00:10:07I was waiting for the bus!
00:10:09Whatever helps you sleep at night!
00:10:13Carrie: Dad! get out of the bathroom now!
00:10:16Arthur: No! she's violent!
00:10:19Lily: He's a moron!
00:10:21Arthur: She shaves her lip!
00:10:23Lily: His nipples don't match!
00:10:31Carrie: You're insane!
00:10:32Arthur: I heard that!
00:10:36Carrie: Crap, he's here!
00:10:39Lily: I'll get it!
00:10:40Carrie: Don't get it!
00:10:41Lily: I have to get it!
00:10:42The poor shmo is standing right on the porch!
00:10:47Hi, you must be doug.
00:10:49One sec, hon.
00:10:52Lily: now get out of the freakin' crapper!
00:10:58Dad, will you just come out?
00:11:01Not until she apologizes.
00:11:03 you don't have to mean it, just say the words.
00:11:09All right. I'm sorry!
00:11:11Ha! did you hear that, daddy?
00:11:12 that's so sweet of her.
00:11:14Now come on out.
00:11:15Are we getting a boat?
00:11:17Just say yes.
00:11:17The second lie is always easier.
00:11:27Yes! we can get a boat.
00:11:28Ah! do you hear that, dad?
00:11:30You're gonna get your boat.
00:11:31And a jet ski!
00:11:33A jet ski!
00:11:35Oh, god.
00:11:36You're insane!
00:11:36You're not gonna get anything, you little pain in the ass!
00:11:39I hope you stay in that bathroom forever!
00:11:42Maybe I will.
00:11:43And by the way, I am currently making a lewd gesture!
00:11:47[Doorbell rings] .. miserable old people!
00:11:51I can't believe you're doing this to me!
00:12:07[Car starts] carrie?
00:12:10[Car drives off] doug!
00:12:13It's so nice to finally meet you.
00:12:16Come in, come in, come in!
00:15:46How are you enjoying the food, dear?
00:15:48Oh. its, uh, it's great. thanks.
00:15:49Oh, thank you so much for bringing these buffalo wings.
00:15:52They look delicious.
00:15:53No problem. uh, they're from coopers.
00:15:57They're famous for their wings.
00:16:01Half of these are hot, the other half are mild.
00:16:05I didn't know what you guys liked.
00:16:13I like hot.
00:16:15I like mild.
00:16:16Hey, that's what makes the world go round, huh?
00:16:19Ha ha ha!
00:16:19 is carrie coming back at any point?
00:16:22Oh, of course she is!
00:16:23I think she's having a visit from her aunt flo.
00:16:29So, how would you like a nice warm biscuit?
00:16:32Ok. yeah, sure.
00:16:33Be back in a jiff.
00:16:42Arthur: Is the bitch gone?
00:16:48.. hello?
00:16:51Is she gone?
00:16:53Uh, yeah, she's in the kitchen.
00:16:57Arthur spooner. I'm carrie's father.
00:17:00Oh, hi. doug heffernan.
00:17:01So, you're with i.p.s., huh?
00:17:04Yeah, i.p.s., yeah.
00:17:06Aren't you concerned about losing your job to a machine?
00:17:13See, I drive to a lot of people's houses ..
00:17:15And deliver packages to them.
00:17:20I, uh, don't know really how a machine would do that.
00:17:23Oh, it's going to happen, my friend.
00:17:25They're working on it even as we speak.
00:17:28[Ding] Lily: They're ready.
00:17:31I was never here!
00:17:37Here you go. piping hot.
00:17:38Ooh! let me freshen up that orangina.
00:17:46Give me a drumstick!
00:17:48Drumstick! now!
00:17:51Thank you.
00:17:53There you go, sweetheart.
00:17:57Where's the other drumstick?
00:18:01I think this one started out with one.
00:18:03Arthur! give me back that drumstick!
00:18:08You'll have to pry it out of my dead, cold hands!
00:18:12.. where's the bathroom?
00:18:14The psycho is in it.
00:18:15Arthur, doug has to go to the bathroom!
00:18:17Now, get out!
00:18:18No. he can come in if he wants, but I'm staying.
00:18:22Son, what do you have -- number 1 or number 2?'ve been dating my daughter for quite a while now.
00:18:37Yes, about 6 months now, sir.
00:18:40..pretty serious?
00:18:42Oh, yes. she's a great girl.
00:18:46And you are planning to get the weight off?
00:18:53Absolutely. I'm on it.
00:18:57Problem with the plumbing, son?
00:19:01 you know, I'm just having a hard time going with you in here.
00:19:05Oh, why didn't you say so?
00:19:07By all means, I'll give you some privacy.
00:19:09Oh, well, thank you.
00:19:19Ok, you know what?
00:19:20I'm not having any luck with this.
00:19:21I'm just going to go up to the mobile station on the corner.
00:19:24They're gonna make you buy something.
00:19:28You out, doug?
00:19:30Want some pie?
00:19:38Oh, sweet freedom!
00:19:44You're here?
00:19:45Were you here the whole time?
00:19:47 I drove down to the 7-eleven to get a pack of capris.
00:19:51Oh, did you? oh, that's nice.
00:19:54You don't smoke.
00:19:55That's right, I don't smoke!
00:20:02I didn't want to be there for the moment when you realized I come from a crazy farm!
00:20:08You know what?
00:20:09I would love to hear this, but I gotta pee.
00:20:10Yeah, ok. you gotta pee. you know what?
00:20:11Why don't you call me in 6 months when you're " ok? we'll have a cup of coffee.
00:20:15" I gotta pee, I'm serious.
00:20:19Look, if you want to just go, go!
00:20:20My whole life's been a freak show, I don't even blame you.
00:20:23What are you doing?
00:20:25I was gonna tell you I love you today, dumb ass!
00:20:29I'm really gonna burst.
00:20:39Arthur: Douglas!
00:20:40Oh, god, now I'm locked up.
00:20:42Douglas, over here!
00:20:44Yeah, mr. spooner?
00:20:45Listen, I couldn't help but overhear your little argument.
00:20:50 do you think it's possible that you could send carrie out?
00:20:54She's too upset.
00:20:55You can't talk to her when she's like this.
00:20:57Listen, you seem like a good kid.
00:20:59Wait here, and I'll go talk to her.
00:21:01Try to patch things up.
00:21:03No promises, but I'll see what I can do.
00:21:38Sorry, son. no go.
00:21:40Really? believe me, I tried.
00:21:42But she didn't want to hear a word of it.
00:21:44Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you.
00:21:46Maybe someday, when this blows over, we'll sit on my boat and have a good laugh.
00:21:50If you still have to pee, feel free to go on the azaleas. they're hers.
00:22:08Did you just say you were gonna tell me you loved me?
00:22:12Yes. yes, I did.
00:22:15.. pee in our bushes?
00:22:16Yes. yes, I did.
00:22:22I loveyou.
00:22:23I love you, too.
00:22:29Arthur: Where you going?
00:22:31Carrie, come back!
00:22:32He's got no future!
00:22:34I'm telling ya, the 2 of you will be living in my house within 5 years!
00:22:42And we drove off. end of story.
00:22:46Right after you peed.
00:22:47Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:22:47Are you even listening to your own story?
00:22:50Way before that, I said, "i love you, dumb " you said, "i wasgonnasay I love you, dumb ass," but you didn't actually say it.
00:22:59And by the way, "dumb ass" kinda killed it anyway.
00:23:01 you know it's the same thing.
00:23:04It's not the same thing.
00:23:05If you say you're gonna take the garbage out, but you don't actually take the garbage out, is the garbage out?
00:23:12I don't know where the garbage is-- look, the point is, the words "i love you" were never said until I said them.
00:23:23Well, I said "i wanna have sex" first.
00:23:26That was all you, yes.
00:23:31] wash shakes off dry winter skin with 2 separate ribbons.
00:23:36The white ribbon that cleanses and the body butter ribbon that moisturizes continuously leaving skin satiny smooth.
00:23:42Goodbye dry winter skin.
00:23:47wastesover don't throw it away.
00:23:50Protect it in the freezer.
00:23:54That saves food from freezer burn, saving you money.
00:23:58S.c. johnson, a family company.
00:26:16President Obama: They've stopped spending money.
00:26:18More businesses have been forced to lay off more workers.
00:26:19In fact, local tv stations have started running public service announcements that tell peoplewhere to find food banks, even as the food banks don't have enoughto meet the demand.
00:26:31Ovovovovovovovovovovovedin part by the trio.
00:26:36It's one of three new dishes for breakfast lovers being served for a limited time.
00:26:39I'd take one of theseover a whatever-ccino any day.
00:26:42[ fireworks exploding ] Ar what's that?
00:26:54It's the new engraving and buffing machine.
00:27:03Captioning made possible bysony pictures television captioned by the nationalcaptioning institute --www.nci WHAT THE...
00:29:01Eyesare gettin' weary ♪