The King of Queens - Wild Cards   View more episodes

Aired at 02:00 AM on Friday, Dec 18, 2009 (12/18/2009)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02Then I get offthe jersey turnpike at exit 7-a, 2 miles ..
00:00:11And bam!i'm in philadelphia, making the delivy.
00:00:15It's just crazy enoughto work.
00:00:19What?what's the matter?
00:00:21There may not be roomfor your moon pie.
00:00:24Not room for my moon pie.
00:00:26You are so cute.
00:00:28Step aside.let me have a look-see.
00:00:30Knock yourself out.ok.
00:00:39Here's your problemright here.
00:00:45Yeah, god forbidyou should eat one, right?
00:00:47Hey, I love youfor trying.
00:00:49You sure you'llbe home by 6:00?
00:00:50I wanna leavefor the theater by 7:00.
00:00:52Yeah. what are weseeing again?
00:00:53Annie get your's a musical.
00:00:56Come on.a musical?
00:00:57What, 'cause youlike drama so much?
00:00:59Come on, it'sa good show.
00:01:00Besides, theseare company tickets my boss gave me, so we have to go.
00:01:04Fine.oh, and do me a favor.
00:01:05Wear those newitalian loafs I bought you.
00:01:07Are you kidding me?loafersanda musical?
00:01:12You are really gaying me up.
00:01:22Nice to be heading home.
00:01:23Mm. like, an hour ahead of schedule.
00:01:26 those philadelphia boys, they run a nice depot.
00:01:30They got a smooth operation down there.
00:01:32Very smooth.
00:01:34Of course, they're not a hub.
00:01:38Hey, check it out.
00:01:39We're coming up on the atlantic city turn-off.
00:01:42 look at the billboard with the 3-d dice.
00:01:44Look like they're comin' at ya, you know?
00:01:49Wanna make a detour?
00:01:52Do a little gambling?
00:01:53Are you seriou hell, yeah!
00:01:56Kelly took the kids to see her mother.
00:01:57I don't have to be home until tomorrow.
00:02:00What do you say?
00:02:01 I gotta go tonight with carrie to see annie get your gun.
00:02:04Come on, man. we're practically there.
00:02:07Just bear to the right at the next exit.
00:02:09Not even turn, just bear.
00:02:12Do it.
00:02:14Do it, man!
00:02:16Just bear!
00:02:17I can't, I can't!
00:02:19[Cell phone rings] hello? hey, care.
00:02:24That's carrie? this is fate.
00:02:25Yo, tell her you wanna go to a.c. shh! shh!
00:02:27Tell her! shush! shush!
00:02:28Hey, what's going on?
00:02:30Nothin'. so, where are you?
00:02:31We're back on the jersey turnpike.
00:02:33We just did our drop in philly.
00:02:35You're making good time.
00:02:36What time you think you'll be home?
00:02:38Come on.
00:02:39..we got some bad news, honey.
00:02:47Uh, well, dispatch just called.
00:02:49We gotta make another drop.
00:02:50Oh, my god. where do you have to go?
00:03:00Where the hell is that?
00:03:03It's out in the boonies somewhere.
00:03:05I got deacon checking the map right now.
00:03:13Well, why do you have to got all?
00:03:15Why don't you just dump the crap off at fed-ex?
00:03:16They're good.
00:03:21No can do, honey.
00:03:23Well, I guess I'll just find someone else to go to the show with.
00:03:26Ok. well, have a great time. I love you.
00:03:28All right. I love you, too. drive safely.
00:03:32♪ There's no business likehow business ♪
00:03:35♪ like no business I know ♪
00:03:40put on a tie.
00:03:42Hot dog!
00:03:44[Born to be wild by steppenwolf playing] whoo! atlantic city! ha ha!
00:03:51City of the atlantic!
00:03:54!Ciudad atlanticano!
00:03:56Hey, let me use your phone so I can tell kelly.
00:04:00Whoa, whoa!
00:04:01What are you gonna say?
00:04:02That we're going to atlantic city.
00:04:04You can't say that. she'll tell carrie.
00:04:05They talk all the time.
00:04:06So I have to lie to my wife just because you lied to yours?
00:04:11" ..
00:05:27Let's beat the living crap out of this place.
00:05:33Here we go.
00:05:34Whoa! hold up. hold on a second.
00:05:35Listen, I just cashed a check, and I don't wanna lose more than $200.
00:05:38Hold the rest of my money.
00:05:41You know how I am, so even if I beg, don't give it to me.
00:05:44Ok. I mean it, deke.
00:05:45I might get ugly. I could mention your mother.
00:05:47Don't take the bait.
00:05:50Don't mention my mother.
00:05:53Fair enough. let's gamble.
00:06:00Oh, yeah. that's our table.
00:06:04Granny gon' be sweet.
00:06:08Hey, how's everybody doing?
00:06:10Oh, just fine. all right.
00:06:12Hey there, mary from cedar rapids.
00:06:13.. wanna-win-a-lotta-money.
00:06:20Oh. good luck, everyone.
00:06:23Bets up.
00:06:25He looks nice.
00:06:32[Orchestra tuning] ..hi.
00:06:44 berenson, one of the partners, right?
00:06:47 uh-- I didn't know anybody else from the firm would be here.
00:06:50I'm carrie heffernan, grossman's secretary-- or mister grossman, as I always call him.
00:06:55 and from what I hear, you're doing a very good job.
00:06:58Hey, you, too.
00:07:01So, who are you here with?
00:07:02.. my father.
00:07:04Oh, how lovely.
00:07:06$5.00 For a box of sno-caps!
00:07:07Boy, they really got you by the gonads here.
00:07:12Uh, this is arthur spooner, my father.
00:07:14 berenson, one of the partners at my law firm-- you know, where I work.
00:07:20That is nice.
00:07:21Pleased to meet you. likewise.
00:07:29Darling, you're in my seat.
00:07:32Just sit in mine. it doesn't matter.
00:07:34Sure it does.
00:07:34Sometimes they do a spot check during the performance.
00:07:37Then we'll just switch tickets.
00:07:40" ok.
00:07:51And those wine coolers are just starting to kick in.
00:07:59..15... and 6 is 21.
00:08:04That's all right. that's ok.
00:08:05That's just a little bet.
00:08:06That's the secret to my whole system: You lose the little bets and win the big ones.
00:08:19Lost another little one. sweet.
00:08:21I'm gonna try roulette.
00:08:22Come on, man.
00:08:23 I can feel it.
00:08:25Nah, I'll catch you later, man.
00:08:26All right, my friend, but you're gonna miss the ride.
00:08:34That's 21 again.
00:08:35.. I've gotten a lot of those.
00:08:38My goodness, you certainly have.
00:08:55Hit me.
00:09:00Gimme another one.
00:09:05One more.
00:09:11[Orchestra playing there's no business like show business] both arm rests. both he has.
00:09:24Just use mine.
00:09:25No, no. you enjoy the show.
00:09:29I'll deal with him.
00:09:40Oh, hey! 3 nickels!
00:09:42Maybe I'll go see a ow!
00:09:44.. how'd you do?
00:09:48How'd I do?
00:09:48 what does that tell you?
00:09:51 I got killed, too, if that makes you feel any better.
00:09:55A little, yeah.
00:09:56Give me the rest of my money.
00:09:59What? no. come on.
00:10:00No. you told me not to.
00:10:01 come on!
00:10:05You're not getting it.
00:10:08You can have this.
00:10:09What the hell's that?
00:10:10A coon for the buft. it came with the room.
00:10:12A buffet coupon? can I bet it?
00:10:15Do you want it or not?
00:10:25Oh, macaroni and cheese.
00:10:27Yeah, I like macaroni and cheese.
00:10:30Oh, potatoes!
00:10:34That's nice.
00:10:37Ah, desserts!
00:10:45That's right, yeah, yeah.
00:10:48I have a coupon.
00:13:57.. got you one of those glossy programs that you like, huh?
00:14:03Thank you, dear.
00:14:04 you're still not upset about that arm rest thing, are you?
00:14:08Why shouldn't I be upset?
00:14:10I paid for this seat, and I'm entitled to rest my arm!
00:14:16 berenson is doing this on purpose.
00:14:22Don't be naive.
00:14:22I've dealt with people like him all my life.
00:14:24Just because they're rich and important, they think they're entitled to step on the little gu dad-- well, all his wealth and power may get him off the hook in an underage sex scandal, but it will not buy him this arm rest!
00:14:38Do not make a scene, ok?
00:14:41I work for this man.
00:14:42 whatever goes down here tonight, I will make it clear that you are in no way involved.
00:14:52Dad, all in all, I've been a pretty good daughter, wouldn't you say that? certainly.
00:14:57I've always tried to look out for you.
00:14:59I've given you a place to live in my home.
00:15:02Haven't i?
00:15:02In the basement, but yes.
00:15:12For your little girl.
00:15:14It goes against every fiber of my being, but I will hold my tongue.
00:15:20Thank you.
00:15:46 if you have a 13, and the dealer shows a 10 or a pictur it's a good idea to take a card.
00:15:548! That gives you 21. you win again!
00:16:04Hey, man.
00:16:06How was the buffet?
00:16:07Let's just say they'll be putting my picture up.
00:16:14So, how'd you do?
00:16:15Man, I thought my luck might change if i played some craps.
00:16:20I don't have a cent left.
00:16:23..butt-load of chips, baby!
00:16:27How much is here?
00:16:32Nice job.
00:16:33Hey, I'm gonna call room service, have 'em haul a nice, big-old, juicy steak up here.
00:16:39Guess you don't want anything, huh?
00:16:47At least one of us did well, huh?
00:16:51I could not be happier.
00:16:58Give me my money.
00:16:59Let's not go through this again.
00:17:01Come on, deke, give me a chance to get even.
00:17:04Come on, guy.
00:17:05Enough. come on, guy. come on, guy!
00:17:08Come on! hey!
00:17:10If you lose all your money, you gonna blame me?
00:17:14Not only won't I blame you, ..
00:17:24Knock yourself out.
00:17:27What happened to the cash I gave you?
00:17:29Oh, I lost all mine, so I used it to play craps.
00:17:34You used my money?
00:17:35 I figured if I lost it all, I'd just go to the atm and pay you back, ..
00:17:38Didn't lose, baby!
00:17:42Right, right.
00:17:42Yeah, hey, this is mr. palmer is 709.
00:17:45I'd like to order the new york steak.
00:17:48Medium well.
00:17:49All right, I'm gonna head on down.
00:17:52Tear 'em up.
00:17:57♪ The thing that's known as romance ♪
00:18:01.. wonderful... ♪
00:18:05excuse me. do you have the time?
00:18:10It's 9:30.
00:18:14Oh, this guy's good.
00:18:16You promised you wouldn't say anything.
00:18:20Just wanted to know the time.
00:18:22Dad, just switch seats with me?
00:18:25And let this s.o.b. take me down? never.
00:18:31You see this? now he's just taunting me.
00:18:34Would you just switch seats with me? no.
00:18:40.. dad, it's time to look in my eyes and pay attention.
00:18:46Now, you either switch seats with me now, or so help me, you're going over that railing like a little rag doll.
00:18:55Fair enough.
00:19:03I was right under the vent.
00:19:05Oh, really? 'cause I'm roasting.
00:19:07Would you mind switching seats with me?
00:19:12Sure, sure.
00:19:18I'm back.
00:19:20How'd it go?
00:19:21Let's just say I'm not allowed within 50 feet of mary from cedar rapids.
00:19:26Well, we should probably get some sleep so we can hit the road early.
00:19:31 I can't wait to get the hell out of here.
00:19:35Couldn't get twin beds, huh?
00:19:37This is all they had.
00:19:39Oh, what's the difference?
00:19:40If you're gonna have me, you're gonna have me.
00:19:44Listen, sorry we couldn't both win.
00:19:48Yeah. right.
00:19:50Well, good night.
00:19:59You know, it was my money.
00:20:04What was?
00:20:05The money you used to win your money.
00:20:10So nothing. I'm just sayin'.
00:20:21Just sayin' it was my money.
00:20:23Look, you got a problem, just say so.
00:20:26No, I ain't got no problem.
00:20:27..just a little weird. I mean...
00:20:29You wouldn't let me use my money, but it was ok for you to use it.
00:20:32Ok, good. got it. no problem. good night.
00:20:36I told you I only used your money because I didn't have any more cash.
00:20:40Well, sweet roy malloy!
00:20:41That was some lucky money, wasn't it?
00:20:42 the money you gave me was destined to win $1,700, no matter who bet it or what they bet on?
00:20:50That's exactly what I'm saying.
00:20:53Man, you are ridiculous!
00:20:55Oh, am i? you know what?
00:20:57Maybe I'll just sleep on the sofa, ok?
00:20:59You are unbelievable, man! unbelievable.
00:21:06Just come back to bed.
00:21:10 I wouldn't want you to have to sleep with somebody you find ridiculous.
00:21:15Then fine, fine!
00:21:17Do what you want!
00:21:17I didn't wanna come here in the first place.
00:21:20I was looking forward to a nice evening at the theater.
00:21:27City of sin.
00:21:28Oh, please! you wanted to come.
00:21:30You were just afraid to tell carrie.
00:21:32 I fear no man.
00:21:36Oh, yeah?
00:21:36Then how come you couldn't tell her you wanted to go gambling, huh? how come?
00:21:41'Cause I was tryg to spare her feelings!
00:21:43Yeah, right.
00:21:44It is right!
00:21:45 and on top of everything else, I had to lie to kelly because you were afraid she'd tell carrie about this.
00:21:50You know, I don't like lying to my wife.
00:21:53Doesn't make me feel too good.
00:21:54[Wimpy] "oh, I don't like lying to my wife.
00:21:58" hey, you keep that up, I might call kelly and tell her we're here.
00:22:06Go ahead.
00:22:07Well, maybe I will.
00:22:09Do it. go ahead!
00:22:10Fine! here I go.
00:22:12Go, go, go!
00:22:18Remember when I told you before about us having another delivery to do?
00:22:24Well, actually, we didn't have another delivery.
00:22:27We went to atlantic city to gamble.
00:22:29I was bluffing!
00:22:32 I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but, hey, I won $1,700.
00:22:38I love you, too.
00:22:43Kelly says hi.
00:22:44 she's gonna call carrie.
00:22:46That's all right. I'm on it.
00:22:48I'll just call carrie first and confess.
00:22:50She'll be mad at me, but at least I'll get credit for coming clean.
00:22:54Better hurry. kelly's a yenta.
00:22:56Tell her what I did was very wrong, I learned an important lesson, blah blah ..
00:23:00And with any luck, this will blow over by thursday.
00:23:04Hey, honey!
00:23:05Hey, baby, iiss you.
00:23:07Yeah, I miss you, too.
00:23:09How was the show?
00:23:09 I brought my father, and one of the lawyers was there from my firm-- ..
00:23:16I have another call. hold on one second.
00:23:22Doug? it's kelly.
00:23:22She just wants to tell me one quick thing.
00:23:24Hold on one sec. wait! carrie!
00:23:29Carrie, I was baaaad!
00:24:07batteries ..
00:24:08Consider this: ..
00:24:10To the mattel children's hospital, u.c.l.a.
00:24:14You're not just powering a toy.
00:24:17You're powering a smile.
00:24:18Duracell. trusted everywhere.
00:24:22(announcer) there are corner people.
00:24:25Middle people.
00:24:27Edge people.
00:24:28Even 2-fer people.
00:24:30But really,they're all just pillsburypeople.
00:24:32Chewy, deliciouspillsbury brownies.
00:26:51Hit me.
00:26:57Hit me again.
00:27:03One more time.
00:27:05Oh, yes!
00:27:06Finally. yeah!
00:27:08It's 23.
00:27:17[Groans] captioning made possible bysony pictures television captioned by the nationalcaptioning institute Public performance of captionsprohibited without permission of national captioning institute