Cheech & Chong Still Smokin'   View more episodes

Aired at 03:00 AM on Friday, Jan 08, 2010 (1/8/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01I heartfully welcome you in amsterdam, mr.
00:00:02Burt reynolds and I hope you will have a very happy and lucky time.
00:00:07Do you know if miss dolly parton was on the pla ?
00:00:11What ?
00:00:12If dolly parton was on the plane.
00:00:14Oh, no, I didn't see dolly parton.
00:00:16Was she on the plane ?
00:00:17I have seen movies of you.
00:00:18In the movies you are much taller than you are in real life.
00:00:22May I say-- may I say "burt" to you, mr. reynolds ?
00:00:26What ?
00:00:27 reynolds" or maybe I say "burt" or something like that.
00:00:33May I say "burt" to you, mr. reynolds ?
00:00:35Hey, man, I'm not burt reynolds, man.
00:00:38You are not burt-- you are not burt reynolds ?
00:00:40No, I'm cheech, man, and this is chong.
00:00:43We're cheech and chong, man !
00:00:44Hey, turn around, show him.
00:00:45Cheech and chong, see, right there, man.
00:00:47Cheech and chong.
00:00:55Cheech and chong.
00:00:57Hey, listen, man, we gotta get out of here.
00:00:59Where's the car ?
00:01:00Oh, there is a car waiting outside burt reynolds, but you can have the van if you want.
00:01:06Okay, thanks a lot, man.
00:01:07You can go outside and there is a van-- okay, thanks, bye bye !
00:01:11( crowd cheers ) Oh, please, no more autographs, no more pictures.
00:01:18Thank you, thank you, it's lovely to be here.
00:01:21Take me to a dike.
00:01:22Thank you, thank you !
00:01:24There you go.
00:01:25I got writer's cramp, man.
00:01:28Thanks, anyway.
00:01:30Hey man, I think I'm gonna have to finally do it.
00:01:33Do what, man ?
00:01:34Put scars all over my face, man.
00:01:36I'm getting too handsome, man.
00:01:38This guy thinks I'm burt reynolds.
00:01:40I gotta give the other actors a chance.
00:01:42Well, I don't think you have to go to all that trouble, man.
00:01:46No ?
00:01:47I think all you have to do is grow another big zit like the one you got right there.
00:01:52Where ?
00:01:54I got one on my nose ?
00:01:55Yeah, a big yellow one.
00:01:57Is it big ?
00:01:58Yeah, it looks like another nose, man.
00:02:01Oh, man.
00:02:02And if you really want to look ugly just leave the booger hanging off your moustache there.
00:02:06Right there ? is it off ?
00:02:07Yeah, and if you really want to even look uglier-- oh, man, shut up !
00:02:16Oh, you are sitting here.
00:02:18Because this place is supposed to be for dolly parton and burt reynolds, you know.
00:02:24Oh, dolly parton's supposed to be sitting here ?
00:02:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:02:28Let me clear off a place for her to sit down.
00:02:31Yeah, I asked people to put you in the van, you know.
00:02:36They just told us to sit here, man.
00:02:40Oh, they didn't-- they didn't understand well what I said.
00:02:43You're sure that burt reynolds was not on the plane ?
00:02:47He wasn't with us, man.
00:02:49We flew first class.
00:02:50Maybe he was sitting back with the peasants, you know.
00:02:53You flew first class ?
00:02:55Yeah, thanks for the tickets, man.
00:02:58No, there's a little bit of a problem.
00:03:00You didn't get the telegram ?
00:03:02What telegram ?
00:03:03It said come over here and party.
00:03:06Yeah, you was on the list, but there are a little bit financial problems.
00:03:10You know mr. patrick ?
00:03:11Yeah, he's the dude that phoned us up and sent us the tickets, man.
00:03:15Oh, yeah, he's a good dude, met him at a party !
00:03:18Yeah, he's all right.
00:03:20He's a heavy fan of ours.
00:03:23He told us, man.
00:03:24He says, "come on to amsterdam and let's " yeah, so we've been studying up on partying, man.
00:03:30We got it down pretty good.
00:03:32We're ready, we're ready, man.
00:03:33To be quite honest I asked him to send you a telegram to cancel this trip because we have a little bit of financial problems.
00:03:41Oh, yeah ?
00:03:42 patrick, he left with all my money and also my car, so certainly he will come back one of these ..
00:03:54Oh, yeah, he'll come back.
00:03:56Hey, we'll help you out.
00:03:57We'll do a show for you, man.
00:03:58Hey, man, we haven't worked in four years, come on.
00:04:02Oh, that's okay, man.
00:04:03I remember all the bits, man.
00:04:04Hey, where's the windmills, man ?
00:04:06Now, the windmills, maybe you can see one on your left.
00:04:09Where's the chocolate ?
00:04:10Have you ever been before in holland ?
00:04:13No, man.
00:04:14What are you doing in america ?
00:04:15Are you in radio shows or something like that ?
00:04:18You haven't heard of "cheech and chong" ?
00:04:20Yeah ! no, no.
00:04:21Where you been, under a rock ?
00:04:24We make movies, man.
00:04:25I have a wonderful movie theatre here in amsterdam.
00:04:29Oh, yeah ? yeah.
00:04:30And we're having a press conference and I want to introduce dolly parton and burt reynolds and that people from holland, the news--kranten-- the newspapers, you know ?
00:04:39Where's the parties going to be, man ?
00:04:41Is that one of the parties ?
00:04:42'Cause patrick said that sylvia krystal is going to be at the party.
00:04:46Maybe,maybe she is going to be at the party.
00:04:49So you're a hollander.
00:04:50Yeah, I'm a hollander, yeah.
00:04:52There are a few parties but I have to cancel a little bit of the parties because the financial oblems.
00:04:58Maybe we can have one party.
00:04:59Do you know where we can score some hash, man ?
00:05:02What do you mean ?
00:05:03Hash ?
00:05:04I got that address of that doper cafe, man.
00:05:06Oh, okay, great.
00:05:07We have a lot of cafes in amsterdam, yeah.
00:05:09The only thing about jet lag, man, is you gotta smoke a lot of dope and it comes out even.
00:07:30( marchihing band plays ) ( chatting ) ...Burt reynolds.
00:07:55Mr. burt, welcome to holland !
00:08:11( Cheech ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
00:08:21Mr. dolly, mr. burt, please follow me.
00:08:26This is our very, very best, the seskyev von oilenberg suite, the reverent's former wife.
00:08:33The best we have.
00:08:35Here we are in our very, very best.
00:08:39Amsterdam at your feet !
00:08:41( crash ) The venice of the north ! sorry.
00:08:44The rai building for the big fairs.
00:08:47The rijksmuseum.
00:08:50The vincent van gogh museum.
00:08:52And we have a museum of the history of amsterdam.
00:08:56You got a lot of nice sights around here, man !
00:08:59Many, mr. burt, many !
00:09:01The royal palace.
00:09:05Oh, yeah !
00:09:06The stedelijk museum, xaviera hollander's house at the other side.
00:09:11 burt, I am so fond of having you here !
00:09:16I'm your biggest fan, mr. burt !
00:09:19Oh, thanks, man.
00:09:21You can believe it !
00:09:22Mr. burt, I am your biggest fan !
00:09:23I've seenallyour pictures, all your pictures !
00:09:27Oh, yeah !
00:09:27Except one, the last one.
00:09:28I haven't seen the last one.
00:09:30Yeah, neither have i.
00:09:31 burt, you got any dutch money ?
00:09:33Oh, no no no no no !
00:09:34No, no, no, no,mr. dolly !
00:09:36You don't have to pay.
00:09:38No !
00:09:39That's free, man !
00:09:41Yes !
00:09:42No, no-- I'm sorry, no.
00:09:47It's not free, you have to sign for it.
00:09:51 jan-- er, jan-- holdfried.
00:09:55Jan holdfried.
00:09:56 jan holdfried, he arranged everything for you.
00:10:00You just order and sign.
00:10:02Oh, okay, I can get that.
00:10:04You just sign.
00:10:06Oh, great !
00:10:06 burt, how is raquel welch in reality ?
00:10:09Flesh to flesh ?
00:10:10Oh, she's going to last forever, man.
00:10:12Really ?
00:10:13Yeah, she's heavy.
00:10:14Mr. burt, when there's anything you need.
00:10:19I mean,anything.
00:10:23Anything ?
00:10:24Anything !
00:10:26Oh, yeah ?
00:10:26 burt, we have some ivory statues, oriental statues-- ( speaking Dutch ) Some gorgeous delights in the basement.
00:10:37Oh, yeah ?
00:10:37With tiny fingers that will work you up slowly, slowly to a level of excitement you have never had before.
00:10:45You just sign, just sign ?
00:10:46I am so sorry, I have to take him.
00:10:48A thousand and one delights, mr. burt.
00:10:52Anything you wish !
00:10:54 dolly, enjoy your stay in amsterdam, in holland !
00:11:09Amsterdamski, man !
00:11:11( chuckles ) All right !
00:11:13Your luggage.
00:11:15Thank you.
00:11:17Hey, man, just sign for it.
00:11:20Huh ?
00:11:20Sign for it.
00:11:27And for you !
00:11:31Uh, could you get me one for the doorman ?
00:11:33Oh, of course.
00:11:37Thank you.
00:11:40Good bye !
00:11:43Ah, we made it, man.
00:11:45I wonder where the toiletski is.
00:12:00Wow !
00:12:01Hey, man, you gotta see the size of this bathtub !
00:12:04We could have a couple friends in.
00:12:06Still got that little outboard motor ?
00:12:10Wow, look at this !
00:12:11Hey, man, what is this ?
00:12:14Hey ! hey man !
00:12:16Help !
00:12:18What are you doing, man ?
00:12:20Hey, man-- help !
00:12:23Hey !
00:12:31( Cheech ) HELLO, ROOM SERVICE ?
00:12:34 burt up in the "suzie q" suite, man.
00:12:39Mr. burt.
00:12:40You know, burt and dolly.
00:12:42Yeah, that raquel welch, yeah, she's something.
00:12:45No, they're real, they're real, man.
00:12:47Hey, listen, man.
00:12:48You know that caviar you sent up today ?
00:12:50Hey, man, it smells fishy.
00:12:52Yeah, and it all turned black.
00:12:54Someone must have left it out all night or something, man.
00:12:57So can you send up some of that other caviar ?
00:13:00Yeah, send up some of that belgian.
00:13:05.. a pound ?
00:13:07No, no, make it five pounds.
00:13:10Whatever you got, man.
00:13:12Yeah, send it right up, man, we're really hungry.
00:13:15Okay, donkey smell.
00:13:17Oh, all right, they came !
00:13:19Hey, that's the new series, man.
00:13:22All right.
00:13:34You know, I'm beginning to feel sort of bored.
00:13:36Let's go see the town.
00:13:38Come on !
00:13:39What ?
00:14:15Amsterdam !
00:14:16Look at these buds, man.
00:14:20Look at this !
00:14:23They're real !
00:14:24( woman ) HELLO.
00:14:26Hi ! hi, how are you ?
00:14:27Would you like to eat something ?
00:14:28Oh, yeah, please.
00:14:30The special today is indica.
00:14:32Oh, great.
00:14:33If you like, some wheat tea.
00:14:35Some tea ? yeah.
00:14:36I'd love some tea.
00:14:38Oh, wow, look what they got, man.
00:14:42Fresh buds in season with melon !
00:14:45Look at here, fillet of kola !
00:14:48Oh, here's my favorite, seed soup !
00:14:51I think I'll have some.
00:14:52I wonder if they got pepper with that.
00:14:53Uh, I'm going to start with a tossed california bud salad and then a "shake-shake".
00:15:01And what's "fungus mungus" ?
00:15:04Well, nevermind, bring it to me anyway.
00:15:06For my main course I want a bogart special with everything, including the mold.
00:15:12Then I'll try the temple ball surprise, too, okay ?
00:15:16God, pig out !
00:15:19Uh, I'll have the cream of hash and barley soup and the fresh buds.
00:15:25What-- are they in season ?
00:15:27Yeah, okay.
00:15:29Oh, for dessert I'll have the space yogurt with chopped kola nuts.
00:15:34Thank you very much.
00:15:35Put the rush on it.
00:15:38Oh, yes !
00:15:39♪♪ I get deliriouswhenever you're near ♪♪
00:15:44♪♪ lose all self-controlbaby just can't steer ♪♪
00:15:49♪♪ wheels get locked in placestupid look on my face ♪♪
00:15:54♪♪ it comes to making a passpretty mama ♪♪
00:15:56♪♪ I just can'twin the race ♪♪
00:15:58♪♪ 'cause I get delirious ♪♪
00:16:04♪♪ delirious ♪♪
00:16:09♪♪ delirious ♪♪
00:16:13♪♪ I get deliriouswhen you hold my hand ♪♪
00:16:18♪♪ my body gets so weaki can hardly stand ♪♪
00:16:23♪♪ my temperature'srunning hot ♪♪
00:16:26♪♪ baby you got to stop ♪♪
00:16:28♪♪ 'cause if you don'ti'm gonna explode ♪♪
00:16:31♪♪ and girl I got a lot ♪♪
00:16:33♪♪ I get delirious ♪♪
00:16:37♪♪ I'm delirious yeahoh ah ♪♪
00:16:42♪♪ I'm deliriousyeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪
00:16:48♪♪ delirious ♪♪
00:16:53♪♪ delirious ♪♪
00:16:58can you feel anything ?
00:17:00( grunts ) Hey, I'm still hungry, man.
00:17:04Want to order another one ?
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00:20:40Let me try to explain why people are not-- people on the list-- you sit there, and you sit there.
00:20:48Yeah, okay.
00:20:49Sit down, sit down.
00:20:58( speaking in Dutch ) Do you have any aspirin, man ?
00:21:14I got half a 'lude.
00:21:15Just slip it to me, man.
00:21:18( Dutch ) ... Mr. cheech and mr. chong...
00:21:24( Dutch continues ) Try to be as nice as possible.
00:21:32I have to leave now because I have to make phone calls burt-reyn, but I will be right back.
00:21:44( all complaining ) Well, we overslept.
00:21:51Or underslept !
00:21:53Who the hell are you ?
00:21:55Cheech and chong.
00:21:56( reporter ) WHICH KIND OF FILMS Are we going to get in the festival ?
00:22:00Why don't you take this for a while.
00:22:02I'm going to try to get a little nap.
00:22:04Yeah, okay.
00:22:04Do you know when reynolds and parton are coming in ?
00:22:09Dolly parton's coming and burt reynolds, and paul newman, uh, jimi hendrix is coming, is coming-- he's a personal friend of mine.
00:22:23Who are you ?
00:22:24Cheech and chong !
00:22:25( echoing ) WE'RE REALLY BIG IN THE STATES, Man !
00:22:29( trumpet fanfare ) ( applause ) ( speaking in Dutch ) I'm really proud to may introduce the most famous world actors mr. cheech and mr. chong !
00:23:07( applause ) Yes, you may begin your questions now.
00:23:21 chong, for coming to the netherlands.
00:23:26We are awfully thrilled that we can see you now in the flesh that we can say hello to you in person, but nevertheless, our first question-- that is to say, myquestion-- is why did you organize your first film festival in amsterdam ?
00:23:38Uh, because.
00:23:43( applause ) chong, we are very pleased to have you here and I love you.
00:23:57I mean, I love all your films.
00:24:01I have seen them all except the latest one because there was a line outside about three miles so I couldn't get a ticket.
00:24:09The cheech shall arrange tickets for you.
00:24:12Oh, two ! two, two !
00:24:18Mr. cheech ? yes ?
00:24:19We all know you made that scar to give all the actors a chance, but you are even more handsome with the scar on your face !
00:24:29It's great !
00:24:30What can I do, what can I do ?
00:24:34I try !
00:24:35We love you !
00:24:40I owe it all to my director.
00:24:43I owe it all to my director.
00:24:51Hey come on, wake up, man, it's over.
00:24:53Let's go.
00:24:53Let's get some breakfast, man, I'm hungry.
00:24:55Why are you telling all those things ?
00:24:57What ?
00:24:58You know, I ask you to be nice.
00:24:59Look what they put in the newspaper.
00:25:01Did you tell about paul newman ?
00:25:05Did, did-- who invited e.t. ?
00:25:08Who invited e.t. ?
00:26:45ILwwÑÑ? o Ñ w ww óówW ( big sigh ) Here you are.
00:27:22I know exactly what I want.
00:27:24You want-- oh-- yeah, I want a big plate of huevos rancheros asi with rice and beans and hot tortillas and a little shot of tequila and ados equis.
00:27:33I don't understand.
00:27:35Well, what do you got ?
00:27:36I'll have coffee and toast.
00:27:39Make that two coffee and toast.
00:27:42Coffee and toast.
00:27:44I want that muchacaburrito, man.
00:27:47You want some mussels ?
00:27:48No, just coffee and toast will be all right.
00:27:50You sure ?
00:27:52That's all ? okay.
00:27:53Thanks a lot.
00:27:54So let's start thinking about our show, man.
00:27:56Yeah, we should seriously start thinking about it.
00:28:00Let's do a bit about parties.
00:28:03Something we know.
00:28:05Hey, man, we promised that dude a show.
00:28:07We should start thinking about something.
00:28:11Well, what do you want to do ?
00:28:12Well, you know, like something about movies, television.
00:28:17Oh, duh !
00:28:18I was working on a bit, I forgot to tell you.
00:28:20 okay, except it's like a chicano version.
00:28:24: eddie torres, the extra testicle".
00:28:28Do you like it ?
00:28:30It's about this horny guy from east outer space, you know, and he lands on earth in a lowrider flying saucer, man, and he pulls up on this chick's lawn and she hides him in the closet 'cause her parents are out for the weekend, yeah ?
00:28:41And he chases her all around the house going, "meep meep meep meep meep meep meep !" yeah, how are we gonna do that on stage, though ?
00:28:46I got a costume, man, check it out, man.
00:28:49Watch this.
00:28:50I had a guy make it up down the street.
00:28:52E.t. eddie torres, the extra testicle !
00:28:57Pretty cool, huh ?
00:28:59Check this out for special effects, man, let's go all the way, big budget.
00:29:04You like that ?
00:29:06When the chick comes around he chases her all around the house.
00:29:08" meep meep meep meep meep meep meep !
00:29:12Meep meep meep !
00:29:13Meep-meep meep-meep meep meep meep !
00:29:16Meep meep !
00:29:19I guess she doesn't speak spanish, huh ?
00:29:39Meep meep meep meep meep !
00:29:41( continues meeping ) Hey, man, get out of here !
00:30:05Come on, man, I got something going on.
00:30:06Just be cool and leave me alone, man.
00:30:09Get out of here, man, I'm gonna get me a little.
00:30:12Get out of here I got something going on.
00:30:27Is something wrong ?
00:30:29Uh, the door's locked.
00:30:34I'll help you.
00:30:45Oh !
00:30:46( speaking in Dutch ) Hey.
00:31:35Hey, man, open the door.
00:31:37Hey, man, the thing's stuck, open the door.
00:31:39Hey, man, open the door !
00:31:43Hey, man !
00:31:46Hey !
00:31:50Meep meep !
00:31:52Meep meep !
00:31:55Meep meep !
00:31:56Meep meep !
00:31:58Meep meep !
00:32:00Meep meep !
00:32:01Meep meep !
00:32:16Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep !
00:32:31Whew !
00:32:34Whoa !
00:32:37Hey, I'm okay !
00:32:39Don't send a ransom.
00:32:40I'm all right, I made it.
00:32:57No more, no more.
00:33:01No more !
00:33:05No, no, no !
00:33:08Take him, take him !
00:33:23( sighs ) you a less creepy hotel-- but it's taking forever with these links.
00:35:16Why don't you use bing?
00:35:19Wow, looks better already.
00:35:21(son) NOW USE VISUAL SEARCH.
00:35:23.. martinique. let's go there!
00:35:26No. please don't go.
00:35:28Indeed, you won't like martinique madam .. they got a maze out back.
00:35:35Hey lloyd (announcer)STOP SEARCHING- START DECIDING...
00:35:37With bing- the decisionengine from microsoft.
00:36:54gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ( Cheech ) WOW, MAN !
00:37:08Hey, let's go eat.
00:37:10Eat ?
00:37:10Let's eat at the club.
00:37:12Okay, well, where's the club ?
00:37:15This way, this way.
00:37:16Where ? this way ?
00:37:17This way, follow me.
00:37:19All right.
00:37:24( funky beat ) ♪♪ Big wheels keep on turning ♪♪
00:37:31♪♪ and the proud mary keeps on burning ♪♪
00:37:33♪♪ and we're rolling rolling rolling rolling ♪♪
00:37:37♪♪ rolling down the river ♪♪
00:37:39oh, hey, donkey smell !
00:37:41This is great.
00:37:43Dutch entertainment, huh ?
00:37:44Czechoslovakian band and american singers.
00:37:47( woman ) YES ?
00:37:48What would you like to drink ?
00:37:51Oh, yes, yes, yes !
00:37:53Champagne !
00:37:54Champagne ?
00:37:55Yeah, champagne, and bring 'em here and put 'em table on.
00:37:59Hey, this looks just like the place we started in, man.
00:38:04Yeah, it looks a lot like it, huh ?
00:38:07Woah, hey.
00:38:10Hey, man, want a cigar ?
00:38:13Here's a cuban, man.
00:38:13You can only get 'em here, they're heavy, man.
00:38:21Mm, garcia !
00:38:24Hey, man.
00:38:25What ?
00:38:26I'd like to do our act here, man.
00:38:28I'd like to do an act with that cigar girl.
00:38:31An unnatural act, man.
00:38:35Yay, bravo, bravo !
00:38:38Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
00:38:40Muchas gracias, danke schoen, merci boucoup.
00:38:45As you have heard, we are "top flight", a unique american singing group.
00:38:49If you want to see more, hang around until show number two when we will be coming back with much more entertainment your way.
00:38:54Right now, the picadilly night club proudly presents all the way from america, another unique group, "your way".
00:39:01( applause ) Thank you very much, thanks for the clap !
00:39:17Uh, I'm used to singing in the streets, you know, and this is the first time I've ever been up here on stage.
00:39:23Damn, I'm so nervous you couldn't get a pen up my ass with a jackhammer.
00:39:29Man, I swear to god.
00:39:32Oh, thank you very much, thank y'all !
00:39:34At this time it gives me great pleasure to introduce an old buddy of mine.
00:39:39He's a blues singer that's been singing with me down in times square, you know and everything.
00:39:44We've been making a lot of money together and he's the world's oldest blues singer, man.
00:39:49This guy's so old he sweats dust, man.
00:39:52I swear to god.
00:39:53And he's really funky, he's the father of the blues, so let's have a big, warm how do you do for none other than blind melon jet lag !
00:40:01Come on, come on !
00:40:03( applause ) Blind melon jet lag !
00:40:11Blind melon jet lag.
00:40:15Blind melon jet lag, blindest singer in the world.
00:40:21There you go.
00:40:23Just sit right down there.
00:40:25Blind melon jet lag.
00:40:27Over here, here you go.
00:40:31Just sit downski !
00:40:33All right, blind melon jet lag.
00:40:38There goes.
00:40:41All right, look, he can't see y'all out there you know, 'cause he's blind, but he ain't deaf and he can hear you, so let's have another big hand for blind melon jet lag !
00:40:50Come on !
00:40:51Blind melon jet lag !
00:40:53( applause ) ( crowd chuckles ) ( rhythmic stomping ) ( blows into mic ) ( crowd chuckles ) ( low-pitched muttering ) ( snorting ) Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman.
00:41:59Right now.
00:42:00My name is blind melon jet lag.
00:42:05I'm a legend.
00:42:09A hundred and fifty-six years old.
00:42:13That's right.
00:42:14A hundred and fifty-six years old and I can still get it up.
00:42:22I just can't get it in.
00:42:25( crowd laughs ) That cracks me up, that cracks me up.
00:42:31Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna get down with y'all right now and sing a little tune I wrote one day when I was beating my old lady.
00:42:39A little thing called ( muttering ) "WOAH DIE DIE BOY DEE BYE CARE" Yeah, it goes something like this here.
00:42:54( harmonica squeaks ) .. ♪♪
00:43:19( one note ) Y'all can dance if you want to.
00:43:24♪♪ Day go dow dow go dee bye yeah yeah ♪♪
00:43:30( one note ) ♪♪ Put one leg over my shoulder ♪♪
00:43:37♪♪ then two legs over my shoulder ♪♪
00:43:41( low-pitched rumbling ) Yeah, I'm gonna dance a little bit now.
00:43:50All right !
00:43:52♪♪ One leg over my should-- ♪♪
00:43:55yeah, all right.
00:43:57Blind melon jet lag !
00:46:00( theme music ) Are we on ?
00:46:11Oraleand like welcome to "con talk".
00:46:15Like, I'm your host, sleepy gonzalez, and we're going to rap it down to you today, man, to like, all you little vato locosout there, man, it's like, how to stay out of the slam, okay ?
00:46:28You know, like that, you know.
00:46:29Like, I did time in, like in folsom and soledad and chino, you know.
00:46:35And this is my guest here, man.
00:46:38Hey, this dude's famous, man.
00:46:40His name is joe "the hole" cool.
00:46:42He did forty years in "q", man, in quentin, you know.
00:46:46And twenty years in the hole.
00:46:49Hey, joe, hey, welcome to the show, man, here's a cookie.
00:46:53Hey, you don't owe me nothing, man, and I don't owe you nothing.
00:46:56Thanks, speedy.
00:46:58It's sleepy, man.
00:47:00.. so, like, uh...
00:47:02The topic for today is, like, gun control.
00:47:06All right ? okay.
00:47:07All right, like, I'm against-- no, I'm for gun control.
00:47:11What am I for ?
00:47:12I'mfor,i'm for gun control, okay ?
00:47:13I got stabbed like thirteen times in this arm, man.
00:47:17And, like in this arm I got-- I can't roll up that sleeve.
00:47:23So like-- but I'm still living, you know ?
00:47:25So, but check this out, you know.
00:47:27I got shot in the side of the head there, man, and the bullet went in there, and like, it's still in there, you know.
00:47:33And that's why I talk slow.
00:47:36It has nothing to do with dope, you know ?
00:47:41Guys like me need guns.
00:47:42Yeah, I know, you need guns, man.
00:47:44That's how I make my living, with guns.
00:47:46I rob banks, you know what I mean ?
00:47:48Can you see me walking into a bank with a knife " that'd be a trip, huh ?
00:47:55Besides, man, guns don't kill people, cops kill people.
00:48:01Yeah, right on, I hear you there.
00:48:04All right, okay.
00:48:05And the thing is, too, man, you gotta be an idiot not to know how to handle a gun.
00:48:09I mean, the first thing you do, you make sure the weapon-- ( gunshot ) ( choking ) Oh, wow, man.
00:48:33Like, that's all the time we got today on "con talk" join us next week when the topic will be how to score dope in prison-- or how not to go to prison 'cause you gotta score dope or something.
00:48:47Hey, man, have some coffee.
00:48:49Hey homeboy, come here.
00:48:53You all right ?
00:48:56( coughs up bullet ) Oh, wow, man.
00:49:00Hey, you're lucky, it came out.
00:49:03Hey, mine's still in there, man.
00:49:07Hey, far out.
00:49:08So like, see you next week, you know ?
00:49:21Hey !
00:49:22Welcome to "dope-a-thon '82" !
00:49:26Ow !
00:49:26And I'm your host, "tristin the night away", ow !
00:49:30We're going to be here for 36 straight hours to try to raise money for the dope victims all over the world.
00:49:37And now to introduce and to tell you what this dope-a-thon '82 is all about let's have a big warm hand "for people out there" president ashley roachclip !
00:49:47Ow ow ow ow ow ow !
00:49:50Welcome, ashley !
00:49:51Hey, man.
00:49:52Ashley, can you explain to our folks out there what this whole dope-a-thon is all about, ow !
00:49:57Uh, okay man, like we're here because the government's been burning our crops.
00:50:05Ow ow ow ow !
00:50:06And they're causing a dope famine all over the world.
00:50:10♪♪ All over the world ♪♪
00:50:12ow !
00:50:13Here's one of the victims of the burning, man.
00:50:16Oh, isn't it cute ?
00:50:17It's a pretty sick sight.
00:50:20And so what we want to do, we want to raise money so we can buy some tanks and anti-aircraft guns.
00:50:26Good idea !
00:50:28'Cause we gotta stop-- we gotta stop this before it gets out of hand, man, because there's a lot of people in this world that depend on us for their supply of drugs.
00:50:38Ow !
00:50:39Like, this world would probably fall apart if it wasn't for farmers like us that take time to grow the --- you know what I mean ?
00:50:46That's right.
00:50:48So that's why we need your money so send it in, all right ?
00:50:51Ashley, where are you from ?
00:50:53I'm from ann arbor, michigan, man.
00:50:55Ann arbor, ow !
00:50:57YEAH, I WAS THERE DURING THE '60s When the universe meant something.
00:54:17Out there e in ann arbor.
00:54:20Now we're going to show you a little film we got sent over-- the studio sent over-- it's their first trailer for their brand new season.
00:54:25It's gonna come on next week.
00:54:26It's called "the harder they don't come".
00:54:29Ow ! roll the film !
00:54:34♪♪ Dope dope ♪♪
00:54:37♪♪ you got to come you got to have dope ♪♪
00:54:39( Jamaican accent ) HASHISH, BROTHER ?
00:54:41Come on, hashish, lebanese.
00:54:44Home grown nigerian !
00:54:47Moroccan !
00:54:49Dope !
00:54:51Hey, sister, lebanese moroccan hashish.
00:54:54Nigerian !
00:54:55Home grown, come on, sister !
00:54:57I give you some, special price !
00:55:00Dope !
00:55:02♪♪ Dope ♪♪
00:55:06♪♪ concert come nobody buy dope ♪♪
00:55:10dope !
00:55:10♪♪ We say dope, we say dope, we say dope, we say doooope ♪♪
00:55:14♪♪ concert come nobody buy dope ♪♪
00:55:18♪♪ got moroccan, lebanese, afghani too ♪♪
00:55:22hey, brother !
00:55:23Hey, you want to buy some smoke from me ?
00:55:25I make you special price.
00:55:26Moroccan, lebanese, afghani, huh ?
00:55:28Nigerian, home grown !
00:55:30Oh, no, fella.
00:55:31You know, I wandered in here by mistake.
00:55:34I was just looking for a drink.
00:55:36I sure wandered in the wrong place.
00:55:38No, you don't want drink, you want happy smoke !
00:55:40You got to enjoy music, brother, for happy smoke !
00:55:43You call that music ?
00:55:44♪♪ Yeah, dope, we say dope we say doooope ♪♪
00:55:46sounds like damn jungle warfare out there.
00:55:49No, that's good reggae, brother.
00:55:50I don't know what the hell you call it, but it sounds like a bunch of jungle music to me.
00:55:55Oh, where you from ?
00:55:56I'm from canada.
00:55:57Canada ?
00:55:58Oh, canada !
00:55:59Sergeant preston !
00:56:00♪♪ Oh cannabis oh cannabis hey ♪♪
00:56:04well, I make you special canada price, okay ?
00:56:06You buy from me nigerian, moroccan, lebanese home grown !
00:56:09No, no, no I'm not interested in souvenirs.
00:56:12Thanks anyway.
00:56:13No, I'm not selling souvenirs, brother, I selling good happy smoke for good happy music !
00:56:18No, not interested.
00:56:19How you going to enjoy good music without good marijuana, huh, brother ?
00:56:24Say what ?
00:56:25How you going to enjoy good music without good marijuana ?
00:56:30Now let me get this straight.
00:56:32You're standing out here selling marijuana ?
00:56:34Now you got it, brother, yeah !
00:56:37What-- all right, put 'em up !
00:56:40Hey, brother, you don't have to rip me off.
00:56:43You with the police ?
00:56:45That's right.
00:56:45Hey, I love you brother, I love you !
00:56:47Hey, what the hell are you doing ?
00:56:49I have all your albums !
00:56:50♪♪ Don't stand so close to me ♪♪
00:56:52♪♪ don't stand so-- ♪♪
00:56:53hey, damn hop head !
00:56:56Narcotics !
00:56:58Now get over here !
00:57:01Take off that-- what the hell ?
00:57:04( drops accent ) HEY, MAN, I'M AMERICAN, Man !
00:57:08Man, I'm from detroit.
00:57:10Get over here.
00:57:11Hey, man-- shut up, punk !
00:57:14What the hell !
00:57:14Hey, man, I'm over here in the army, man !
00:57:17My old lady made me do this, man.
00:57:20She put a gun up to my head.
00:57:21She made me do this, man.
00:57:23Did you ever try to argue with a dutch bitch ?
00:57:26First of all, you gotta look up to 'em, man.
00:57:28She been pedaling a bicycle all day.
00:57:30You know she could kick your ass, man.
00:57:32All I'm doing is selling harmless smoke.
00:57:34Okay, man, you got all my dope, man, give me a break.
00:57:38You want a break ?
00:57:39Yeah, come on, man !
00:57:41Go ahead, make a run for it.
00:57:43I'll give you three.
00:57:45One, two-- ( click ) This thing doesn't usually misfire like that.
00:57:51Hey, come on, man.
00:57:52We probably hit an empty chamber.
00:57:53Let's try that again.
00:57:55Ready ?
00:57:55Hey come on, man, come on, man, please !
00:57:58What's the matter, punk, huh ?
00:58:00Come on, take that gun away from my head.
00:58:02Shut up, punk !
00:58:03I just got a penicillin shot, man !
00:58:06Well, you're a real smart ass, aren't you ?
00:58:09No man, just a sore ass, man.
00:58:11That hurt.
00:58:12On your knees, big mouth.
00:58:13Hey-- I said on your knees, big mouth.
00:58:16Move !
00:58:17Yes, sir.
00:58:19Now come on over here.
00:58:22Get over here.
00:58:24Now you know what I want you to do, don't you ?
00:58:31I want you to start praying.
00:58:34Pray !
00:58:36Oh, lord !
00:58:37Oh, thanks for this meal we're about to receive-- on your feet, punk.
00:58:46Hey, come on, man.
00:58:47Making fun of god ?
00:58:48I wasn't making fun of god.
00:58:49You think god's funny ?
00:58:52Big mouth.
00:58:53All right !
00:59:01All right.
00:59:04All right, give me the gun.
00:59:07Come on, give me the gun.
00:59:10Look, you're in enough trouble already, son.
00:59:13Don't make it worse.
00:59:14All right, now listen.
00:59:16You're high on drugs, I can see that.
00:59:20Now, listen, son, don't make it worse.
00:59:23I'll tell you what.
00:59:24You give me the gun, I'll let you go.
00:59:27Hey, don't do that.
00:59:28Come on, don't do that.
00:59:29That's got a hair trigger.
00:59:32That could go off at any time.
00:59:33Look, I got a wife and kid, okay ?
00:59:35How'd you like a new ass too, man ?
00:59:39Don't do that, please.
00:59:41Hey, look, I'm not even a cop, okay ?
00:59:43I'm a security guard atwoolworth's.
00:59:47I'm on vacation, I've got a wife and kid.
00:59:49Boom boom !
00:59:50Don't do that, don't do that.
00:59:53Please ?
00:59:54Hey look, I like you people.
00:59:57Honest to god, I really do.
00:59:59Hey, man, get down on your knees.
01:00:02On your knees.
01:00:03Yes, sir.
01:00:04Now, you know what I want you to do, don't you ?
01:00:10And it ain't praying, cop.
01:01:46taking (girl) I CAN'T PICK A RESTAURANT IN ALL THESE Links.
01:01:48Stop messing around - just use bing.
01:01:51Oh wow, this is kind of cool.
01:01:54Now find someplace dark.
01:01:56(girl) DIM LIGHTING IT IS.
01:01:59(girl) OH THIS ONE'S REALLY CLOSE BY. GREAT Ratings too.
01:02:03So let's go eat.
01:02:04What's the rush?
01:02:06I thought you were hungry?
01:02:07I am.
01:02:09(announcer)STOP SEARCHING, START DECIDING With bing the decision enginefrom microsoft.
01:02:16( Announcer )GOOD EVENING WRESTLING FANS And welcome tochampionship wrestling !
01:02:21I'm your host,jerry dumpee, and with me tonight is three-time worldheavyweight champion, IRON mike McGrath.
01:02:29( Iron Mike )THANK YOU.
01:02:30Thank you very much,jerry, thank you.
01:02:32We have an excellent card on tap for you tonight,ladies and gentlemen featuring the italian championbruno hockaloogie and his tag-team partner,japanese itchy scratchy !
01:02:42How do the boys look to youtonight, iron mike ?
01:02:44Oh, well, the italian lookspretty good, pretty good.
01:02:47A little greasy,but pretty good.
01:02:49They both look good.
01:02:51And their opponent tonightis none other than the world famouschampion from nowhere the invisible man !
01:03:00What do you think of theinvisible man, iron mike ?
01:03:03Well, I haven't seentoo much of him lately.
01:03:05In fact, no one has,no one has.
01:03:07He's invisible, you see.
01:03:10But it's going to bea good match.
01:03:12And I think it'sgoing to be a good match.
01:03:14Well, this tagteamchampionship of hockaloogieand itchy scratchy are certainlyshowing him no respect.
01:03:19No, they're not showing himany respect at all.
01:03:22But I don't thinkthe invisible man is too scaredof them either.
01:03:25Well, it looks likethey're deciding who is going to goin the ring first, here.
01:03:31Yeah, they're deciding who's going to goin the ring first.
01:03:35That's right, iron mike.
01:03:37They're having quitea discussion now.
01:03:38I can't understandwhat they're saying.
01:03:41Well, the invisible manis ready.
01:03:46I think it's goingto be the italian.
01:03:48All right.
01:03:50It could be japanese.
01:03:51Well, no, maybeit's the italian.
01:03:53( bell rings ) And there goesthe bell.
01:03:55Here we go !
01:03:56Okay, folks, remember, tonight's bout isa no-holds-barred, texas rules, no referee and no paycheckfor the loser.
01:04:02The italian gets hitfrom a shot out of nowhere !
01:04:04And another shot out of nowhere,he's down already !
01:04:07It's going to be quite a match,huh, iron mike ?
01:04:10Looks like the italian'sin trouble.
01:04:13Yes, he's got himin a hammer lock now.
01:04:35And now he's taggedthe japanese !
01:04:37And itchy scratchyenters the ring.
01:04:41( growls ) He's looking around.
01:04:43Looking fora sneak attack.
01:04:49Ooh, and he's gota rim shot !
01:04:52Took one rightin the rim.
01:04:53Ooh, and anotherrim shot !
01:04:55That's illegal.
01:04:55But there's no referee,so it doesn't matter.
01:04:57That's right !
01:05:02( grunting ) He bit him, he bit him.
01:05:14That's a hold,that's a good wrestling hold.
01:05:16Biting is allowed.
01:05:17Oh, another rim shot !
01:05:30Here comes bruno hockaloogieinto the center of the ring.
01:05:34What is he doing ?
01:05:35He's probablydigging for crabs.
01:05:37No, no,he's eating garlic !
01:05:39He's going to give himthe garlic drop !
01:05:44Oh, the japanese is down !
01:05:46And now he's got the invisibleman in a knee drop !
01:05:52( grunting ) Oh, into the corner !
01:06:00That hurt, you can hear itall the way over here !
01:06:03Oh, that's pretty toughon the back there.
01:06:06That's right,iron mike.
01:06:08On, no.
01:06:09Oh oh, look atthat one.
01:06:10He's got him inthe gotcha !
01:06:14He's got his handsfull now !
01:06:17He's really stretching !
01:06:20Oh, and he slipped out !
01:06:22It must have beenthe grease in his hands.
01:06:24Well, there's a lot ofslack in him now.
01:06:26Ooh, and he gives himanother stretch.
01:06:28And another stretch !
01:06:29And now over his shoulderfor the volga boatman.
01:06:32And there he goes,marching to moscow !
01:06:35( hums "The Volga Boatman" ) Itchy scratchy's up--and he's down now !
01:06:47He didn't see where he wasgoing, huh, iron mike ?
01:06:50Well, you can't seeinvisible balls.
01:06:53That's right.
01:06:57( grunting ) He's got him inthe bassman !
01:07:19That's not an orthodoxwrestling hold, by the way.
01:07:22Here we go intodouble dutch !
01:07:27Ah, listen to them hitthe ground there !
01:07:33Well, I'd saythe invisible man's in a lot of troubleright now.
01:07:36He looks pretty tied up.
01:07:39He's going to getout of it, I betcha.
01:07:42I don't know,there goes hockaloogie he's going to makea four-corner run !
01:07:50That really hurts,let me tell you.
01:07:52I rememberthat happened to me once.
01:07:59Hockaloogie is down !
01:08:01Oh my god !
01:08:01And there goes itchy scratchy,he's down !
01:08:04And the invisible man wins !
01:08:06They're pretty dangerous when they're flopping aroundlike that, you understand.
01:08:09( crash ) ( applause ) I think there's been a mistake.
01:08:23Thank you.
01:08:24Uh, we're not burt and dolly, man.
01:08:29We're cheech and chong, you know.
01:08:31Like, we're going to do a show for you anyway.
01:08:34.. and...
01:08:37So we want to start off with a dude, man, that had his arm blown off during the war by a bong.
01:08:44Uh, he's real sensitive about it, too, you know, man.
01:08:48Like, about his arm ?
01:08:49So let's really give him a nice hand, okay ?
01:08:52Let's hear it for limey bitters !
01:08:55Come on out here, man !
01:08:58Come on out here, man !
01:09:00( applause ) See his arm, man ?
01:09:15Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen !
01:09:19It gives me great pleasure to be here tonight.
01:09:22And I'd like to perform for you all an unnatural act.
01:09:27Hello, hey, hello.
01:09:29Hey, listen, man, turn those mics down !
01:09:31Yeah, can't you hear 'em, man ?
01:09:33They're feeding back, turn them down !
01:09:36And listen, don't black out.
01:09:38No,don'tblack out until we tell you to, man !
01:09:42Don't mess with anything, just leave it as they are.
01:09:45Don't tell all those things.
01:09:48There are a lot of important people.
01:09:50They even expect that the queen is coming every moment.
01:09:54All the people from secret service-- don't use the word "bums", you know.
01:09:57And don't use those languages.
01:10:01( laughter ) Thank you !
01:10:04Now, I would like to play a tune called "nobody knows about me cares and nobody cares about me nose".
01:10:16Thank you very much.
01:10:18Here we go.
01:10:25( snorts ) Had a bit of a greenie stuck there.
01:10:33All right, here we go.
01:10:37( imitates trumpet ) ( audience claps along ) ( gasping through finale ) Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman !
01:13:41This is a great town, huh ?
01:13:43A lot of people think we come here just for the drugs, but that's true.
01:13:47( audience hoots and claps ) Yeah, this theater's nice.
01:13:52I don't think they want you to smoke here, so light up.
01:13:56Ladies and gentlemen, the astronaut.
01:14:05( Theme from "2001 Space Odyssey" ) ( engines firing up ) Eight, seven, six, ..
01:15:15( crowd claps and shouts ) ( Cheech ) DONKEY SMELL, DONKEY SMELL, DAMES And herrings !
01:15:29Right now, we'd like to take you to fondle park.
01:15:36Oh, dear, look at all these damn pigeons.
01:15:41Here chick chick chick !
01:15:45I got some popcorn for you.
01:15:48There you go.
01:15:51Oh, dear, look at that little guy.
01:15:55( crowd laughs ) ..
01:16:19Hey, uh, I don't want to get personal or anything, but your pants ?
01:16:27Hey, man, I like you, you're cool !
01:16:30Get your damn hands off me !
01:16:33Wakka wakka wakka !
01:16:36What's that ? old man talk, man ?
01:16:40You know, you should have a lot more respect for me than that, you know that ?
01:16:45For all you know, I could be your daddy.
01:16:50Yeah !
01:16:52You could be my daddy ?
01:16:55Sure, I used to pop buffaloes.
01:16:58( crowd cheers ) I'll tell you, you look just like your momma, too, you know that ?
01:17:19Man, don't say nothing about my momma, man !
01:17:24Hey, you wanna play games, funny bunny ?
01:17:28Hey, old man, you're into games ?
01:17:30You wanna play games ?
01:17:31How about race car driver !
01:17:34You take off, by jeez, I'll kick you-- you're gonna kick me, man ?
01:17:45Hey go ahead, man, come on, come on.
01:17:48Come on, peace out, man, come on !
01:17:54You sure as hell don't give a guy much of a target, do you ?
01:18:04Oh, that does it, man, now I'm going to kill you !
01:18:08You take off !
01:18:09You think I'm scared of you ?
01:18:11That's what I'm gonna do with the chair.
01:18:16Oh god !
01:18:26Hey, what's the deal, man ?
01:18:27Come on, let's go.
01:18:29Hey, one hand.
01:18:32Hey, I'm gonna take your wallet, man.
01:18:36Hey, come on, man, let's go.
01:18:43Hey !
01:18:47Hey !
01:18:50Oh, that does it, man.
01:18:55Boo !
01:18:58Hey, dude !
01:19:07Okay, I'm sorry, man.
01:19:12( audience applauds ) Hey, man, what are you doing ?
01:19:18 I didn't even touch him !
01:19:24I was only playing with you, man.
01:19:28Hey, man, I'm on parole, man.
01:19:37Hey, come on, man.
01:19:39Hey, I said I was sorry.
01:19:43Hey, dude ?
01:19:46Hey, old dude ?
01:19:50Oh, damn, man.
01:19:53Hey, old dude, hey I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, man, I didn't mean it !
01:19:59Scared you that time, didn't i, young man ?
01:20:41Woman: what gps.
01:20:42Gps: Turn left ahead.
01:20:43Actually, I got lost a lot.
01:20:45Now I just follow the steps and I can get anywhere I want to go.
01:20:49Turbotax lets me do my taxes the same way.
01:20:51Its unique gps feature guides me step-by-step, searching over 350 deductions.
01:20:57So I get everything I deserve, which helps me know it's done right.
01:21:00And gets me right to my maximum refund, guaranteed.
01:21:04Announcer:TRY Turbotax online now.
01:21:06You don't pay unless you're satisfied with the results.
01:23:24gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I hardly recognized you !
01:24:27Yeah, I got a new haircut, man, it's a punk cut.
01:24:30It's red and orange and green and yellow.
01:24:33I like that.
01:24:34And brown in the center.
01:24:40Where you been ?
01:24:41I haven't seen you for so long, man.
01:24:42My human's been keeping me locked up, man.
01:24:45Oh, really ?
01:24:46Yeah, he went off on vacation, man, to london.
01:24:49Yeah ?
01:24:50He left me in the room for two weeks.
01:24:52Oh no.
01:24:52Yeah, I ate all his stash, too !
01:24:55Hey ! what ?
01:24:56You wanna chase some cats ?
01:24:58Cats ?
01:24:59Yeah, I could use a little pussy about now.
01:25:03Oh, smell that !
01:25:06Hey, let's go down and chase some fifi, man.
01:25:09Come on, I'm horny.
01:25:11I gotta go poop.
01:25:14What, right now ?
01:25:14You've been locked up too long, haven't you ?
01:25:18Well, let's pick out a good spot for it.
01:25:22Oh, god, I can't wait.
01:25:24Well, just do it right here.
01:25:25Yeah, but we're in the middle of the restaurant, man !
01:25:28Even better !
01:25:30Hey, go, I'll watch out for the waiter.
01:25:46( audience cheers ) Open wide !
01:26:00Oh, god, look at the size of that mother !
01:26:04Did I do that ?
01:26:06God, what do you want to name it, man ?
01:26:08Hey, it's still smoking !
01:26:12God, I love where you put it, too !
01:26:14As soon as the waiter comes out he's going to skid all the way to the kitchen !
01:26:20Thank you very much !
01:26:21It's been a pleasure, a pleasure playing for you.
01:26:24Thank you very much.
01:26:25( applause ) ♪♪ Still smokin' ♪♪
01:26:51♪♪ still tokin' ♪♪
01:26:53♪♪ hazed since 1965don't know why I'm still alive ♪♪
01:26:57♪♪ smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:00♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪ still tokin' ♪♪
01:27:05♪♪ haven't got a dimehaving fun and feeling fine ♪♪
01:27:08♪♪ and smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:17♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:20♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:22♪♪ spending all my timeon the unemployment line ♪♪
01:27:25♪♪ and smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:29♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:31♪♪ I'm even jokin' ♪♪
01:27:33♪♪ haven't got a jobthank you jesus, thank you god ♪♪
01:27:36♪♪ and smokin'i'm smokin' ♪♪
01:27:42♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:48♪♪ hey I'm still smokin' ♪♪
01:27:54♪♪ I'm still smokin' ♪♪