Cheech & Chong Still Smokin'   View more episodes

Aired at 11:00 AM on Thursday, Sep 10, 2009 (9/10/2009)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01One, two-- ( click ) This thing doesn't usually misfire like that.
00:00:07Hey, come on, man.
00:00:08We probably hit an empty chamber.
00:00:09Let's try that again.
00:00:11Ready ?
00:00:11Hey come on, man, come on, man, please !
00:00:14What's the matter, punk, huh ?
00:00:16Come on, take that gun away from my head.
00:00:18Shut up, punk !
00:00:19I just got a penicillin shot, man !
00:00:23Well, you're a real smart ass, aren't you ?
00:00:25No man, just a sore ass, man.
00:00:27That hurt.
00:00:28On your knees, big mouth.
00:00:29Hey-- I said on your knees, big mouth.
00:00:32Move !
00:00:33Yes, sir.
00:00:35Now come on over here.
00:00:38Get over here.
00:00:40Now you know what I want you to do, don't you ?
00:00:47I want you to start praying.
00:00:50Pray !
00:00:52Oh, lord !
00:00:53Oh, thanks for this meal we're about to receive-- on your feet, punk.
00:01:02Hey, come on, man.
00:01:03Making fun of god ?
00:01:04I wasn't making fun of god.
00:01:05You think god's funny ?
00:01:08Big mouth.
00:01:09All right !
00:01:17All right.
00:01:20All right, give me the gun.
00:01:23Come on, give me the gun.
00:01:26Look, you're in enough trouble already, son.
00:01:29Don't make it worse.
00:01:30All right, now listen.
00:01:33You're high on drugs, I can see that.
00:01:36Now, listen, son, don't make it worse.
00:01:39I'll tell you what.
00:01:40You give me the gun, I'll let you go.
00:01:43Hey, don't do that.
00:01:44Come on, don't do that.
00:01:45That's got a hair trigger.
00:01:48That could go off at any time.
00:01:49Look, I got a wife and kid, okay ?
00:01:51How'd you like a new ass too, man ?
00:01:55Don't do that, please.
00:01:57Hey, look, I'm not even a cop, okay ?
00:02:00I'm a security guard atwoolworth's.
00:02:03I'm on vacation, I've got a wife and kid.
00:02:05Boom boom !
00:02:06Don't do that, don't do that.
00:02:09Please ?
00:02:11Hey look, I like you people.
00:02:13Honest to god, I really do.
00:02:15Hey, man, get down on your knees.
00:02:18On your knees.
00:02:19Yes, sir.
00:02:20Now, you know what I want you to do, don't you ?
00:02:26And it ain't praying, cop.
00:04:32( Announcer )GOOD EVENING WRESTLING FANS And welcome tochampionship wrestling !
00:04:37I'm your host,jerry dumpee, and with me tonight is three-time worldheavyweight champion, IRON mike McGrath.
00:04:45( Iron Mike )THANK YOU.
00:04:46Thank you very much,jerry, thank you.
00:04:48We have an excellent card on tap for you tonight,ladies and gentlemen featuring the italian championbruno hockaloogie and his tag-team partner,japanese itchy scratchy !
00:04:58How do the boys look to youtonight, iron mike ?
00:05:00Oh, well, the italian lookspretty good, pretty good.
00:05:03A little greasy,but pretty good.
00:05:05They both look good.
00:05:07And their opponent tonightis none other than the world famouschampion from nowhere the invisible man !
00:05:16What do you think of theinvisible man, iron mike ?
00:05:19Well, I haven't seentoo much of him lately.
00:05:21In fact, no one has,no one has.
00:05:23He's invisible, you see.
00:05:26But it's going to bea good match.
00:05:28And I think it'sgoing to be a good match.
00:05:30Well, this tagteamchampionship of hockaloogieand itchy scratchy are certainlyshowing him no respect.
00:05:35No, they're not showing himany respect at all.
00:05:38But I don't thinkthe invisible man is too scaredof them either.
00:05:41Well, it looks likethey're deciding who is going to goin the ring first, here.
00:05:46Yeah, they're deciding who's going to goin the ring first.
00:05:51That's right, iron mike.
00:05:53They're having quitea discussion now.
00:05:54I can't understandwhat they're saying.
00:05:57Well, the invisible manis ready.
00:06:02I think it's goingto be the italian.
00:06:04All right.
00:06:06It could be japanese.
00:06:07Well, no, maybeit's the italian.
00:06:09( bell rings ) And there goesthe bell.
00:06:11Here we go !
00:06:12Okay, folks, remember, tonight's bout isa no-holds-barred, texas rules, no referee and no paycheckfor the loser.
00:06:18The italian gets hitfrom a shot out of nowhere !
00:06:20And another shot out of nowhere,he's down already !
00:06:23It's going to be quite a match,huh, iron mike ?
00:06:26Looks like the italian'sin trouble.
00:06:29Yes, he's got himin a hammer lock now.
00:06:51And now he's taggedthe japanese !
00:06:53And itchy scratchyenters the ring.
00:06:57( growls ) He's looking around.
00:06:59Looking fora sneak attack.
00:07:05Ooh, and he's gota rim shot !
00:07:07Took one rightin the rim.
00:07:09Ooh, and anotherrim shot !
00:07:11That's illegal.
00:07:11But there's no referee,so it doesn't matter.
00:07:13That's right !
00:07:18( grunting ) He bit him, he bit him.
00:07:30That's a hold,that's a good wrestling hold.
00:07:32Biting is allowed.
00:07:33Oh, another rim shot !
00:07:46Here comes bruno hockaloogieinto the center of the ring.
00:07:50What is he doing ?
00:07:51He's probablydigging for crabs.
00:07:53No, no,he's eating garlic !
00:07:55He's going to give himthe garlic drop !
00:08:00Oh, the japanese is down !
00:08:02And now he's got the invisibleman in a knee drop !
00:08:07( grunting ) Oh, into the corner !
00:08:16That hurt, you can hear itall the way over here !
00:08:19Oh, that's pretty toughon the back there.
00:08:21That's right,iron mike.
00:08:24On, no.
00:08:25Oh oh, look atthat one.
00:08:26He's got him inthe gotcha !
00:08:30He's got his handsfull now !
00:08:33He's really stretching !
00:08:36Oh, and he slipped out !
00:08:38It must have beenthe grease in his hands.
00:08:40Well, there's a lot ofslack in him now.
00:08:42Ooh, and he gives himanother stretch.
00:08:44And another stretch !
00:08:45And now over his shoulderfor the volga boatman.
00:08:48And there he goes,marching to moscow !
00:08:51( hums "The Volga Boatman" ) Itchy scratchy's up--and he's down now !
00:09:03He didn't see where he wasgoing, huh, iron mike ?
00:09:06Well, you can't seeinvisible balls.
00:09:08That's right.
00:09:13( grunting ) He's got him inthe bassman !
00:09:34That's not an orthodoxwrestling hold, by the way.
00:09:37Here we go intodouble dutch !
00:09:42Ah, listen to them hitthe ground there !
00:09:49Well, I'd saythe invisible man's in a lot of troubleright now.
00:09:52He looks pretty tied up.
00:09:55He's going to getout of it, I betcha.
00:09:58I don't know,there goes hockaloogie he's going to makea four-corner run !
00:10:06That really hurts,let me tell you.
00:10:08I rememberthat happened to me once.
00:10:15Hockaloogie is down !
00:10:17Oh my god !
00:10:17And there goes itchy scratchy,he's down !
00:10:20And the invisible man wins !
00:10:22They're pretty dangerous when they're flopping aroundlike that, you understand.
00:10:25( crash ) ( applause ) I think there's been a mistake.
00:10:39Thank you.
00:10:40Uh, we're not burt and dolly, man.
00:10:45We're cheech and chong, you know.
00:10:47Like, we're going to do a show for you anyway.
00:10:50.. and...
00:10:53So we want to start off with a dude, man, that had his arm blown off during the war by a bong.
00:10:59Uh, he's real sensitive about it, too, you know, man.
00:11:03Like, about his arm ?
00:11:05So let's really give him a nice hand, okay ?
00:11:08Let's hear it for limey bitters !
00:11:11Come on out here, man !
00:11:14Come on out here, man !
00:11:16( applause ) See his arm, man ?
00:11:31Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen !
00:11:35It gives me great pleasure to be here tonight.
00:11:38And I'd like to perform for you all an unnatural act.
00:11:43Hello, hey, hello.
00:11:45Hey, listen, man, turn those mics down !
00:11:47Yeah, can't you hear 'em, man ?
00:11:49They're feeding back, turn them down !
00:11:52And listen, don't black out.
00:11:54No,don'tblack out until we tell you to, man !
00:11:58Don't mess with anything, just leave it as they are.
00:12:01Don't tell all those things.
00:12:04There are a lot of important people.
00:12:06They even expect that the queen is coming every moment.
00:12:10All the people from secret service-- don't use the word "bums", you know.
00:12:13And don't use those languages.
00:12:17( laughter ) Thank you !
00:12:19Now, I would like to play a tune called "nobody knows about me cares and nobody cares about me nose".
00:12:31Thank you very much.
00:12:34Here we go.
00:12:41( snorts ) Had a bit of a greenie stuck there.
00:12:49All right, here we go.
00:12:53( imitates trumpet ) ( audience claps along ) ( gasping through finale ) Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman !
00:14:42this is fabulous!
00:14:43New kentucky grilled chicken!
00:14:46For that five-star,fall-off-the-bone taste.
00:14:49Mix original and grilledin your bucket!
00:14:51Taste the unfried sideof kfc.
00:16:42This is a great town, huh ?
00:16:44A lot of people think we come here just for the drugs, but that's true.
00:16:48( audience hoots and claps ) Yeah, this theater's nice.
00:16:53I don't think they want you to smoke here, so light up.
00:16:57Ladies and gentlemen, the astronaut.
00:17:06( Theme from "2001 Space Odyssey" ) ( engines firing up ) Eight, seven, six, ..
00:18:15( crowd claps and shouts ) ( Cheech ) DONKEY SMELL, DONKEY SMELL, DAMES And herrings !
00:18:30Right now, we'd like to take you to fondle park.
00:18:37Oh, dear, look at all these damn pigeons.
00:18:42Here chick chick chick !
00:18:46I got some popcorn for you.
00:18:49There you go.
00:18:52Oh, dear, look at that little guy.
00:18:56( crowd laughs ) ..
00:19:20Hey, uh, I don't want to get personal or anything, but your pants ?
00:19:28Hey, man, I like you, you're cool !
00:19:31Get your damn hands off me !
00:19:34Wakka wakka wakka !
00:19:37What's that ? old man talk, man ?
00:19:41You know, you should have a lot more respect for me than that, you know that ?
00:19:46For all you know, I could be your daddy.
00:19:51Yeah !
00:19:53You could be my daddy ?
00:19:56Sure, I used to pop buffaloes.
00:19:59( crowd cheers ) I'll tell you, you look just like your momma, too, you know that ?
00:20:20Man, don't say nothing about my momma, man !
00:20:25Hey, you wanna play games, funny bunny ?
00:20:29Hey, old man, you're into games ?
00:20:31You wanna play games ?
00:20:32How about race car driver !
00:20:35You take off, by jeez, I'll kick you-- you're gonna kick me, man ?
00:20:46Hey go ahead, man, come on, come on.
00:20:49Come on, peace out, man, come on !
00:20:55You sure as hell don't give a guy much of a target, do you ?
00:21:05Oh, that does it, man, now I'm going to kill you !
00:21:09You take off !
00:21:10You think I'm scared of you ?
00:21:12That's what I'm gonna do with the chair.
00:21:17Oh god !
00:21:27Hey, what's the deal, man ?
00:21:28Come on, let's go.
00:21:30Hey, one hand.
00:21:33Hey, I'm gonna take your wallet, man.
00:21:37Hey, come on, man, let's go.
00:21:44Hey !
00:21:48Hey !
00:21:51Oh, that does it, man.
00:21:56Boo !
00:21:59Hey, dude !
00:22:08Okay, I'm sorry, man.
00:22:13( audience applauds ) Hey, man, what are you doing ?
00:22:19 I didn't even touch him !
00:22:24I was only playing with you, man.
00:22:29Hey, man, I'm on parole, man.
00:22:38Hey, come on, man.
00:22:40Hey, I said I was sorry.
00:22:44Hey, dude ?
00:22:47Hey, old dude ?
00:22:51Oh, damn, man.
00:22:54Hey, old dude, hey I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, man, I didn't mean it !
00:23:00Scared you that time, didn't i, young man ?
00:25:26Entlemen, we'd like to present to you the dogs ralph and hirby.
00:25:44( growling ) ( growling ) ( whimpers ) ( barks ) Hirby !
00:26:11Hey, how the hell are you ?
00:26:22Hey, you're looking good, man !
00:26:26I hardly recognized you !
00:26:27Yeah, I got a new haircut, man, it's a punk cut.
00:26:30It's red and orange and green and yellow.
00:26:33I like that.
00:26:34And brown in the center.
00:26:40Where you been ?
00:26:41I haven't seen you for so long, man.
00:26:43My human's been keeping me locked up, man.
00:26:46Oh, really ?
00:26:47Yeah, he went off on vacation, man, to london.
00:26:49Yeah ?
00:26:50He left me in the room for two weeks.
00:26:52Oh no.
00:26:53Yeah, I ate all his stash, too !
00:26:55Hey ! what ?
00:26:56You wanna chase some cats ?
00:26:58Cats ?
00:26:59Yeah, I could use a little pussy about now.
00:27:04Oh, smell that !
00:27:06Hey, let's go down and chase some fifi, man.
00:27:09Come on, I'm horny.
00:27:12I gotta go poop.
00:27:14What, right now ?
00:27:15You've been locked up too long, haven't you ?
00:27:19Well, let's pick out a good spot for it.
00:27:23Oh, god, I can't wait.
00:27:24Well, just do it right here.
00:27:25Yeah, but we're in the middle of the restaurant, man !
00:27:29Even better !
00:27:30Hey, go, I'll watch out for the waiter.
00:27:46( audience cheers ) Open wide !
00:28:00Oh, god, look at the size of that mother !
00:28:05Did I do that ?
00:28:06God, what do you want to name it, man ?
00:28:09Hey, it's still smoking !
00:28:12God, I love where you put it, too !
00:28:15As soon as the waiter comes out he's going to skid all the way to the kitchen !
00:28:20Thank you very much !
00:28:21It's been a pleasure, a pleasure playing for you.
00:28:24Thank you very much.
00:28:26( applause ) ♪♪ Still smokin' ♪♪
00:28:52♪♪ still tokin' ♪♪
00:28:54♪♪ hazed since 1965don't know why I'm still alive ♪♪
00:28:57♪♪ smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
00:29:00♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪ still tokin' ♪♪
00:29:05♪♪ haven't got a dimehaving fun and feeling fine ♪♪
00:29:08♪♪ and smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
00:29:17♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
00:29:20♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
00:29:22♪♪ spending all my timeon the unemployment line ♪♪
00:29:25♪♪ and smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
00:29:29♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
00:29:31♪♪ I'm even jokin' ♪♪
00:29:34♪♪ haven't got a jobthank you jesus, thank you god ♪♪
00:29:36♪♪ and smokin'i'm smokin' ♪♪