Cheech & Chong Still Smokin'   View more episodes

Aired at 05:00 PM on Wednesday, Sep 09, 2009 (9/9/2009)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01I want that muchacaburrito, man.
00:00:03You want some mussels ?
00:00:04No, just coffee and toast will be all right.
00:00:07You sure ?
00:00:09That's all ? okay.
00:00:10Thanks a lot.
00:00:11So let's start thinking about our show, man.
00:00:13Yeah, we should seriously start thinking about it.
00:00:16Let's do a bit about parties.
00:00:20Something we know.
00:00:21Hey, man, we promised that dude a show.
00:00:24We should start thinking about something.
00:00:28Well, what do you want to do ?
00:00:29Well, you know, like something about movies, television.
00:00:34Oh, duh !
00:00:35I was working on a bit, I forgot to tell you.
00:00:37 okay, except it's like a chicano version.
00:00:40: eddie torres, the extra testicle".
00:00:45Do you like it ?
00:00:47It's about this horny guy from east outer space, you know, and he lands on earth in a lowrider flying saucer, man, and he pulls up on this chick's lawn and she hides him in the closet 'cause her parents are out for the weekend, yeah ?
00:00:57And he chases her all around the house going, "meep meep meep meep meep meep meep !" yeah, how are we gonna do that on stage, though ?
00:01:02I got a costume, man, check it out, man.
00:01:06Watch this.
00:01:06I had a guy make it up down the street.
00:01:08E.t. eddie torres, the extra testicle !
00:01:13Pretty cool, huh ?
00:01:15Check this out for special effects, man, let's go all the way, big budget.
00:01:20You like that ?
00:01:22When the chick comes around he chases her all around the house.
00:01:25" meep meep meep meep meep meep meep !
00:01:29Meep meep meep !
00:01:30Meep-meep meep-meep meep meep meep !
00:01:32Meep meep !
00:01:36I guess she doesn't speak spanish, huh ?
00:01:55Meep meep meep meep meep !
00:01:57( continues meeping ) Hey, man, get out of here !
00:02:21Come on, man, I got something going on.
00:02:23Just be cool and leave me alone, man.
00:02:26Get out of here, man, I'm gonna get me a little.
00:02:28Get out of here I got something going on.
00:02:44Is something wrong ?
00:02:46Uh, the door's locked.
00:02:51I'll help you.
00:03:02Oh !
00:03:03( speaking in Dutch ) Hey.
00:03:52Hey, man, open the door.
00:03:53Hey, man, the thing's stuck, open the door.
00:03:56Hey, man, open the door !
00:04:00Hey, man !
00:04:03Hey !
00:04:07Meep meep !
00:04:08Meep meep !
00:04:11Meep meep !
00:04:13Meep meep !
00:04:15Meep meep !
00:04:17Meep meep !
00:04:18Meep meep !
00:04:32Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep !
00:04:48Whew !
00:04:50Whoa !
00:04:54Hey, I'm okay !
00:04:56Don't send a ransom.
00:04:57I'm all right, I made it.
00:05:14No more, no more.
00:05:18No more !
00:05:21No, no, no !
00:05:24Take him, take him !
00:05:39( sighs ) ( Cheech ) WOW, MAN !
00:08:34Hey, let's go eat.
00:08:36Eat ?
00:08:36Let's eat at the club.
00:08:38Okay, well, where's the club ?
00:08:41This way, this way.
00:08:42Where ? this way ?
00:08:43This way, follow me.
00:08:45All right.
00:08:50( funky beat ) ♪♪ Big wheels keep on turning ♪♪
00:08:57♪♪ and the proud mary keeps on burning ♪♪
00:08:59♪♪ and we're rolling rolling rolling rolling ♪♪
00:09:03♪♪ rolling down the river ♪♪
00:09:05oh, hey, donkey smell !
00:09:07This is great.
00:09:09Dutch entertainment, huh ?
00:09:10Czechoslovakian band and american singers.
00:09:13( woman ) YES ?
00:09:14What would you like to drink ?
00:09:17Oh, yes, yes, yes !
00:09:19Champagne !
00:09:20Champagne ?
00:09:21Yeah, champagne, and bring 'em here and put 'em table on.
00:09:25Hey, this looks just like the place we started in, man.
00:09:30Yeah, it looks a lot like it, huh ?
00:09:33Woah, hey.
00:09:36Hey, man, want a cigar ?
00:09:39Here's a cuban, man.
00:09:39You can only get 'em here, they're heavy, man.
00:09:47Mm, garcia !
00:09:50Hey, man.
00:09:51What ?
00:09:52I'd like to do our act here, man.
00:09:54I'd like to do an act with that cigar girl.
00:09:57An unnatural act, man.
00:10:01Yay, bravo, bravo !
00:10:04Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
00:10:06Muchas gracias, danke schoen, merci boucoup.
00:10:11As you have heard, we are "top flight", a unique american singing group.
00:10:15If you want to see more, hang around until show number two when we will be coming back with much more entertainment your way.
00:10:20Right now, the picadilly night club proudly presents all the way from america, another unique group, "your way".
00:10:27( applause ) Thank you very much, thanks for the clap !
00:10:43Uh, I'm used to singing in the streets, you know, and this is the first time I've ever been up here on stage.
00:10:49Damn, I'm so nervous you couldn't get a pen up my ass with a jackhammer.
00:10:54Man, I swear to god.
00:10:58Oh, thank you very much, thank y'all !
00:11:00At this time it gives me great pleasure to introduce an old buddy of mine.
00:11:05He's a blues singer that's been singing with me down in times square, you know and everything.
00:11:10We've been making a lot of money together and he's the world's oldest blues singer, man.
00:11:15This guy's so old he sweats dust, man.
00:11:18I swear to god.
00:11:19And he's really funky, he's the father of the blues, so let's have a big, warm how do you do for none other than blind melon jet lag !
00:11:27Come on, come on !
00:11:29( applause ) Blind melon jet lag !
00:11:37Blind melon jet lag.
00:11:41Blind melon jet lag, blindest singer in the world.
00:11:47There you go.
00:11:49Just sit right down there.
00:11:51Blind melon jet lag.
00:11:53Over here, here you go.
00:11:57Just sit downski !
00:11:59All right, blind melon jet lag.
00:12:04There goes.
00:12:07All right, look, he can't see y'all out there you know, 'cause he's blind, but he ain't deaf and he can hear you, so let's have another big hand for blind melon jet lag !
00:12:16Come on !
00:12:17Blind melon jet lag !
00:12:19( applause ) ( crowd chuckles ) ( rhythmic stomping ) ( blows into mic ) ( crowd chuckles ) ( low-pitched muttering ) ( snorting ) Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman.
00:13:24Right now.
00:13:26My name is blind melon jet lag.
00:13:31I'm a legend.
00:13:35A hundred and fifty-six years old.
00:13:39That's right.
00:13:40A hundred and fifty-six years old and I can still get it up.
00:13:48I just can't get it in.
00:13:51( crowd laughs ) That cracks me up, that cracks me up.
00:13:57Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna get down with y'all right now and sing a little tune I wrote one day when I was beating my old lady.
00:14:05A little thing called ( muttering ) "WOAH DIE DIE BOY DEE BYE CARE" Yeah, it goes something like this here.
00:14:20( harmonica squeaks ) .. ♪♪
00:14:45( one note ) Y'all can dance if you want to.
00:14:50♪♪ Day go dow dow go dee bye yeah yeah ♪♪
00:14:56( one note ) ♪♪ Put one leg over my shoulder ♪♪
00:15:03♪♪ then two legs over my shoulder ♪♪
00:15:07( low-pitched rumbling ) Yeah, I'm gonna dance a little bit now.
00:15:16All right !
00:15:18♪♪ One leg over my should-- ♪♪
00:15:21yeah, all right.
00:15:23Blind melon jet lag !
00:17:27( theme music ) Are we on ?
00:17:38Oraleand like welcome to "con talk".
00:17:42Like, I'm your host, sleepy gonzalez, and we're going to rap it down to you today, man, to like, all you little vato locosout there, man, it's like, how to stay out of the slam, okay ?
00:17:54You know, like that, you know.
00:17:56Like, I did time in, like in folsom and soledad and chino, you know.
00:18:02And this is my guest here, man.
00:18:04Hey, this dude's famous, man.
00:18:06His name is joe "the hole" cool.
00:18:08He did forty years in "q", man, in quentin, you know.
00:18:13And twenty years in the hole.
00:18:16Hey, joe, hey, welcome to the show, man, here's a cookie.
00:18:19Hey, you don't owe me nothing, man, and I don't owe you nothing.
00:18:23Thanks, speedy.
00:18:24It's sleepy, man.
00:18:26.. so, like, uh...
00:18:29The topic for today is, like, gun control.
00:18:33All right ? okay.
00:18:34All right, like, I'm against-- no, I'm for gun control.
00:18:37What am I for ?
00:18:38I'mfor,i'm for gun control, okay ?
00:18:40I got stabbed like thirteen times in this arm, man.
00:18:43And, like in this arm I got-- I can't roll up that sleeve.
00:18:49So like-- but I'm still living, you know ?
00:18:52So, but check this out, you know.
00:18:53I got shot in the side of the head there, man, and the bullet went in there, and like, it's still in there, you know.
00:18:59And that's why I talk slow.
00:19:03It has nothing to do with dope, you know ?
00:19:07Guys like me need guns.
00:19:09Yeah, I know, you need guns, man.
00:19:10That's how I make my living, with guns.
00:19:13I rob banks, you know what I mean ?
00:19:14Can you see me walking into a bank with a knife " that'd be a trip, huh ?
00:19:21Besides, man, guns don't kill people, cops kill people.
00:19:27Yeah, right on, I hear you there.
00:19:30All right, okay.
00:19:31And the thing is, too, man, you gotta be an idiot not to know how to handle a gun.
00:19:36I mean, the first thing you do, you make sure the weapon-- ( gunshot ) ( choking ) Oh, wow, man.
00:20:00Like, that's all the time we got today on "con talk" join us next week when the topic will be how to score dope in prison-- or how not to go to prison 'cause you gotta score dope or something.
00:20:14Hey, man, have some coffee.
00:20:16Hey homeboy, come here.
00:20:20You all right ?
00:20:22( coughs up bullet ) Oh, wow, man.
00:20:26Hey, you're lucky, it came out.
00:20:29Hey, mine's still in there, man.
00:20:33Hey, far out.
00:20:34So like, see you next week, you know ?
00:20:48Hey !
00:20:49Welcome to "dope-a-thon '82" !
00:20:52Ow !
00:20:53And I'm your host, "tristin the night away", ow !
00:20:57We're going to be here for 36 straight hours to try to raise money for the dope victims all over the world.
00:21:04And now to introduce and to tell you what this dope-a-thon '82 is all about let's have a big warm hand "for people out there" president ashley roachclip !
00:21:13Ow ow ow ow ow ow !
00:21:16Welcome, ashley !
00:21:18Hey, man.
00:21:18Ashley, can you explain to our folks out there what this whole dope-a-thon is all about, ow !
00:21:23Uh, okay man, like we're here because the government's been burning our crops.
00:21:31Ow ow ow ow !
00:21:32And they're causing a dope famine all over the world.
00:21:36♪♪ All over the world ♪♪
00:21:39ow !
00:21:39Here's one of the victims of the burning, man.
00:21:42Oh, isn't it cute ?
00:21:44It's a pretty sick sight.
00:21:46And so what we want to do, we want to raise money so we can buy some tanks and anti-aircraft guns.
00:21:52Good idea !
00:21:54'Cause we gotta stop-- we gotta stop this before it gets out of hand, man, because there's a lot of people in this world that depend on us for their supply of drugs.
00:22:05Ow !
00:22:05Like, this world would probably fall apart if it wasn't for farmers like us that take time to grow the --- you know what I mean ?
00:22:13That's right.
00:22:14So that's why we need your money so send it in, all right ?
00:22:18Ashley, where are you from ?
00:22:19I'm from ann arbor, michigan, man.
00:22:22Ann arbor, ow !
00:22:24YEAH, I WAS THERE DURING THE '60s When the universe meant something.
00:25:30Now we're going to show you a little film we got sent over-- the studio sent over-- it's their first trailer for their brand new season.
00:25:36It's gonna come on next week.
00:25:37It's called "the harder they don't come".
00:25:40Ow ! roll the film !
00:25:45♪♪ Dope dope ♪♪
00:25:48♪♪ you got to come you got to have dope ♪♪
00:25:50( Jamaican accent ) HASHISH, BROTHER ?
00:25:52Come on, hashish, lebanese.
00:25:55Home grown nigerian !
00:25:58Moroccan !
00:26:00Dope !
00:26:02Hey, sister, lebanese moroccan hashish.
00:26:05Nigerian !
00:26:06Home grown, come on, sister !
00:26:07I give you some, special price !
00:26:10Dope !
00:26:13♪♪ Dope ♪♪
00:26:17♪♪ concert come nobody buy dope ♪♪
00:26:21dope !
00:26:21♪♪ We say dope, we say dope, we say dope, we say doooope ♪♪
00:26:25♪♪ concert come nobody buy dope ♪♪
00:26:29♪♪ got moroccan, lebanese, afghani too ♪♪
00:26:33hey, brother !
00:26:34Hey, you want to buy some smoke from me ?
00:26:36I make you special price.
00:26:37Moroccan, lebanese, afghani, huh ?
00:26:39Nigerian, home grown !
00:26:41Oh, no, fella.
00:26:42You know, I wandered in here by mistake.
00:26:45I was just looking for a drink.
00:26:47I sure wandered in the wrong place.
00:26:49No, you don't want drink, you want happy smoke !
00:26:51You got to enjoy music, brother, for happy smoke !
00:26:54You call that music ?
00:26:55♪♪ Yeah, dope, we say dope we say doooope ♪♪
00:26:57sounds like damn jungle warfare out there.
00:26:59No, that's good reggae, brother.
00:27:01I don't know what the hell you call it, but it sounds like a bunch of jungle music to me.
00:27:06Oh, where you from ?
00:27:07I'm from canada.
00:27:08Canada ?
00:27:09Oh, canada !
00:27:10Sergeant preston !
00:27:11♪♪ Oh cannabis oh cannabis hey ♪♪
00:27:15well, I make you special canada price, okay ?
00:27:17You buy from me nigerian, moroccan, lebanese home grown !
00:27:20No, no, no I'm not interested in souvenirs.
00:27:23Thanks anyway.
00:27:24No, I'm not selling souvenirs, brother, I selling good happy smoke for good happy music !
00:27:29No, not interested.
00:27:30How you going to enjoy good music without good marijuana, huh, brother ?
00:27:35Say what ?
00:27:36How you going to enjoy good music without good marijuana ?
00:27:41Now let me get this straight.
00:27:43You're standing out here selling marijuana ?
00:27:45Now you got it, brother, yeah !
00:27:48What-- all right, put 'em up !
00:27:51Hey, brother, you don't have to rip me off.
00:27:54You with the police ?
00:27:56That's right.
00:27:56Hey, I love you brother, I love you !
00:27:58Hey, what the hell are you doing ?
00:28:00I have all your albums !
00:28:01♪♪ Don't stand so close to me ♪♪
00:28:03♪♪ don't stand so-- ♪♪
00:28:04hey, damn hop head !
00:28:07Narcotics !
00:28:09Now get over here !
00:28:11Take off that-- what the hell ?
00:28:15( drops accent ) HEY, MAN, I'M AMERICAN, Man !
00:28:18Man, I'm from detroit.
00:28:21Get over here.
00:28:22Hey, man-- shut up, punk !
00:28:25What the hell !
00:28:25Hey, man, I'm over here in the army, man !
00:28:28My old lady made me do this, man.
00:28:30She put a gun up to my head.
00:28:32She made me do this, man.
00:28:34Did you ever try to argue with a dutch bitch ?
00:28:37First of all, you gotta look up to 'em, man.
00:28:39She been pedaling a bicycle all day.
00:28:41You know she could kick your ass, man.
00:28:43All I'm doing is selling harmless smoke.
00:28:45Okay, man, you got all my dope, man, give me a break.
00:28:49You want a break ?
00:28:50Yeah, come on, man !
00:28:52Go ahead, make a run for it.
00:28:54I'll give you three.
00:28:56One, two-- ( click ) This thing doesn't usually misfire like that.
00:29:02Hey, come on, man.
00:29:03We probably hit an empty chamber.
00:29:04Let's try that again.
00:29:06Ready ?
00:29:06Hey come on, man, come on, man, please !
00:29:09What's the matter, punk, huh ?
00:29:11Come on, take that gun away from my head.
00:29:13Shut up, punk !
00:29:14I just got a penicillin shot, man !
00:29:17Well, you're a real smart ass, aren't you ?
00:29:20No man, just a sore ass, man.
00:29:22That hurt.
00:29:23On your knees, big mouth.
00:29:24Hey-- I said on your knees, big mouth.
00:29:27Move !
00:29:28Yes, sir.
00:29:30Now come on over here.
00:29:33Get over here.
00:29:35Now you know what I want you to do, don't you ?
00:29:42I want you to start praying.
00:29:45Pray !
00:29:47Oh, lord !
00:29:48Oh, thanks for this meal we're about to receive-- on your feet, punk.
00:29:57Hey, come on, man.
00:29:58Making fun of god ?
00:29:59I wasn't making fun of god.
00:30:00You think god's funny ?
00:30:03Big mouth.
00:30:04All right !
00:30:12All right.
00:30:15All right, give me the gun.
00:30:17Come on, give me the gun.
00:30:21Look, you're in enough trouble already, son.
00:30:24Don't make it worse.
00:30:25All right, now listen.
00:30:27You're high on drugs, I can see that.
00:30:31Now, listen, son, don't make it worse.
00:30:34I'll tell you what.
00:30:35You give me the gun, I'll let you go.
00:30:38Hey, don't do that.
00:30:39Come on, don't do that.
00:30:40That's got a hair trigger.
00:30:43That could go off at any time.
00:30:44Look, I got a wife and kid, okay ?
00:30:46How'd you like a new ass too, man ?
00:30:50Don't do that, please.
00:30:51Hey, look, I'm not even a cop, okay ?
00:30:54I'm a security guard atwoolworth's.
00:30:58I'm on vacation, I've got a wife and kid.
00:31:00Boom boom !
00:31:01Don't do that, don't do that.
00:31:04Please ?
00:31:05Hey look, I like you people.
00:31:08Honest to god, I really do.
00:31:10Hey, man, get down on your knees.
00:31:13On your knees.
00:31:14Yes, sir.
00:31:15Now, you know what I want you to do, don't you ?
00:31:21And it ain't praying, cop.
00:32:07Do you want to go to my apartment?
00:32:10Need a moment?
00:32:15I thought you were a believer.
00:32:15Someone who wanted to blog about their ideals.
00:32:18I love blogging!
00:32:19Chew it over with twix ( Announcer )GOOD EVENING WRESTLING FANS And welcome tochampionship wrestling !
00:34:43I'm your host,jerry dumpee, and with me tonight is three-time worldheavyweight champion, IRON mike McGrath.
00:34:51( Ir Mike )THANK YOU.
00:34:52Thank you very much,jerry, thank you.
00:34:54We have an excellent card on tap for you tonight,ladies and gentlemen featuring the italian championbruno hockaloogie and his tag-team partner,japanese itchy scratchy !
00:35:03How do the boys look to youtonight, iron mike ?
00:35:05Oh, well, the italian lookspretty good, pretty good.
00:35:08A little greasy,but pretty good.
00:35:11They both look good.
00:35:13And their opponent tonightis none other than the world famouschampion from nowhere the invisible man !
00:35:22What do you think of theinvisible man, iron mike ?
00:35:24Well, I haven't seentoo much of him lately.
00:35:27In fact, no one has,no one has.
00:35:29He's invisible, you see.
00:35:32But it's going to bea good match.
00:35:34And I think it'sgoing to be a good match.
00:35:36Well, this tagteamchampionship of hockaloogieand itchy scratchy are certainlyshowing him no respect.
00:35:41No, they're not showing himany respect at all.
00:35:43But I don't thinkthe invisible man is too scaredof them either.
00:35:47Well, it looks likethey're deciding who is going to goin the ring first, here.
00:35:52Yeah, they're deciding who's going to goin the ring first.
00:35:57That's right, iron mike.
00:35:58They're having quitea discussion now.
00:36:00I can't understandwhat they're saying.
00:36:02Well, the invisible manis ready.
00:36:07I think it's goingto be the italian.
00:36:10All right.
00:36:11It could be japanese.
00:36:13Well, no, maybeit's the italian.
00:36:15( bell rings ) And there goesthe bell.
00:36:17Here we go !
00:36:18Okay, folks, remember, tonight's bout isa no-holds-barred, texas rules, no referee and no paycheckfor the loser.
00:36:24The italian gets hitfrom a shot out of nowhere !
00:36:26And another shot out of nowhere,he's down already !
00:36:29It's going to be quite a match,huh, iron mike ?
00:36:32Looks like the italian'sin trouble.
00:36:35Yes, he's got himin a hammer lock now.
00:36:57And now he's taggedthe japanese !
00:36:59And itchy scratchyenters the ring.
00:37:02( growls ) He's looking around.
00:37:05Looking fora sneak attack.
00:37:11Ooh, and he's gota rim shot !
00:37:13Took one rightin the rim.
00:37:14Ooh, and anotherrim shot !
00:37:16That's illegal.
00:37:17But there's no referee,so it doesn't matter.
00:37:19That's right !
00:37:24( grunting ) He bit him, he bit him.
00:37:35That's a hold,that's a good wrestling hold.
00:37:38Biting is allowed.
00:37:39Oh, another rim shot !
00:37:52Here comes bruno hockaloogieinto the center of the ring.
00:37:56What is he doing ?
00:37:57He's probablydigging for crabs.
00:37:59No, no,he's eating garlic !
00:38:01He's going to give himthe garlic drop !
00:38:05Oh, the japanese is down !
00:38:08And now he's got the invisibleman in a knee drop !
00:38:13( grunting ) Oh, into the corner !
00:38:22That hurt, you can hear itall the way over here !
00:38:24Oh, that's pretty toughon the back there.
00:38:27That's right,iron mike.
00:38:30On, no.
00:38:31Oh oh, look atthat one.
00:38:32He's got him inthe gotcha !
00:38:36He's got his handsfull now !
00:38:39He's really stretching !
00:38:42Oh, and he slipped out !
00:38:43It must have beenthe grease in his hands.
00:38:45Well, there's a lot ofslack in him now.
00:38:47Ooh, and he gives himanother stretch.
00:38:49And another stretch !
00:38:50And now over his shoulderfor the volga boatman.
00:38:54And there he goes,marching to moscow !
00:38:56( hums "The Volga Boatman" ) Itchy scratchy's up--and he's down now !
00:39:08He didn't see where he wasgoing, huh, iron mike ?
00:39:11Well, you can't seeinvisible balls.
00:39:14That's right.
00:39:19( grunting ) He's got him inthe bassman !
00:39:40That's not an orthodoxwrestling hold, by the way.
00:39:43Here we go intodouble dutch !
00:39:48Ah, listen to them hitthe ground there !
00:39:55Well, I'd saythe invisible man's in a lot of troubleright now.
00:39:58He looks pretty tied up.
00:40:01He's going to getout of it, I betcha.
00:40:04I don't know,there goes hockaloogie he's going to makea four-corner run !
00:40:12That really hurts,let me tell you.
00:40:14I rememberthat happened to me once.
00:40:20Hockaloogie is down !
00:40:22Oh my god !
00:40:23And there goes itchy scratchy,he's down !
00:40:25And the invisible man wins !
00:40:28They're pretty dangerous when they're flopping aroundlike that, you understand.
00:40:31( crash ) ( applause ) I think there's been a mistake.
00:40:44Thank you.
00:40:46Uh, we're not burt and dolly, man.
00:40:50We're cheech and chong, you know.
00:40:53Like, we're going to do a show for you anyway.
00:40:56.. and...
00:40:58So we want to start off with a dude, man, that had his arm blown off during the war by a bong.
00:41:05Uh, he's real sensitive about it, too, you know, man.
00:41:09Like, about his arm ?
00:41:10So let's really give him a nice hand, okay ?
00:41:13Let's hear it for limey bitters !
00:41:17Come on out here, man !
00:41:19Come on out here, man !
00:41:21( applause ) See his arm, man ?
00:41:37Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen !
00:41:40It gives me great pleasure to be here tonight.
00:41:44And I'd like to perform for you all an unnatural act.
00:41:49Hello, hey, hello.
00:41:50Hey, listen, man, turn those mics down !
00:41:53Yeah, can't you hear 'em, man ?
00:41:55They're feeding back, turn them down !
00:41:58And listen, don't black out.
00:41:59No,don'tblack out until we tell you to, man !
00:42:03Don't mess with anything, just leave it as they are.
00:42:07Don't tell all those things.
00:42:10There are a lot of important people.
00:42:12They even expect that the queen is coming every moment.
00:42:15All the people from secret service-- don't use the word "bums", you know.
00:42:19And don't use those languages.
00:42:22( laughter ) Thank you !
00:42:25Now, I would like to play a tune called "nobody knows about me cares and nobody cares about me nose".
00:42:37Thank you very much.
00:42:40Here we go.
00:42:47( snorts ) Had a bit of a greenie stuck there.
00:42:55All right, here we go.
00:42:58( imitates trumpet ) ( audience claps along ) ( gasping through finale ) Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman !
00:43:59You know, and, and we, we don't this is a great town, huh ?
00:46:04A lot of people think we come here just for the drugs, but that's true.
00:46:09( audience hoots and claps ) Yeah, this theater's nice.
00:46:14I don't think they want you to smoke here, so light up.
00:46:17Ladies and gentlemen, the astronaut.
00:46:27( Theme from "2001 Space Odyssey" ) ( engines firing up ) Eight, seven, six, ..
00:47:36( crowd claps and shouts ) ( Cheech ) DONKEY SMELL, DONKEY SMELL, DAMES And herrings !
00:47:50Right now, we'd like to take you to fondle park.
00:47:57Oh, dear, look at all these damn pigeons.
00:48:03Here chick chick chick !
00:48:06I got some popcorn for you.
00:48:10There you go.
00:48:12Oh, dear, look at that little guy.
00:48:16( crowd laughs ) ..
00:48:41Hey, uh, I don't want to get personal or anything, but your pants ?
00:48:48Hey, man, I like you, you're cool !
00:48:51Get your damn hands off me !
00:48:54Wakka wakka wakka !
00:48:57What's that ? old man talk, man ?
00:49:01You know, you should have a lot more respect for me than that, you know that ?
00:49:07For all you know, I could be your daddy.
00:49:11Yeah !
00:49:13You could be my daddy ?
00:49:16Sure, I used to pop buffaloes.
00:49:19( crowd cheers ) I'll tell you, you look just like your momma, too, you know that ?
00:49:41Man, don't say nothing about my momma, man !
00:49:46Hey, you wanna play games, funny bunny ?
00:49:49Hey, old man, you're into games ?
00:49:51You wanna play games ?
00:49:52How about race car driver !
00:49:55You take off, by jeez, I'll kick you-- you're gonna kick me, man ?
00:50:06Hey go ahead, man, come on, come on.
00:50:09Come on, peace out, man, come on !
00:50:16You sure as hell don't give a guy much of a target, do you ?
00:50:25Oh, that does it, man, now I'm going to kill you !
00:50:29You take off !
00:50:30You think I'm scared of you ?
00:50:32That's what I'm gonna do with the chair.
00:50:38Oh god !
00:50:47Hey, what's the deal, man ?
00:50:49Come on, let's go.
00:50:51Hey, one hand.
00:50:53Hey, I'm gonna take your wallet, man.
00:50:58Hey, come on, man, let's go.
00:51:05Hey !
00:51:09Hey !
00:51:11Oh, that does it, man.
00:51:16Boo !
00:51:20Hey, dude !
00:51:29Okay, I'm sorry, man.
00:51:33( audience applauds ) Hey, man, what are you doing ?
00:51:39 I didn't even touch him !
00:51:45I was only playing with you, man.
00:51:50Hey, man, I'm on parole, man.
00:51:58Hey, come on, man.
00:52:01Hey, I said I was sorry.
00:52:04Hey, dude ?
00:52:07Hey, old dude ?
00:52:12Oh, damn, man.
00:52:14Hey, old dude, hey I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, man, I didn't mean it !
00:52:20Scared you that time, didn't i, young man ?
00:53:16It's pretty easy to see what "draws" me to ..
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00:53:28Let alone how much it can cost!
00:53:30I chose esurance because they saved me money in no time!
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00:55:32We'd like to present to you the dogs ralph and hirby.
00:55:49( growling ) ( growling ) ( whimpers ) ( barks ) Hirby !
00:56:17Hey, how the hell are you ?
00:56:28Hey, you're looking good, man !
00:56:31I hardly recognized you !
00:56:33Yeah, I got a new haircut, man, it's a punk cut.
00:56:36It's red and orange and green and yellow.
00:56:39I like that.
00:56:40And brown in the center.
00:56:46Where you been ?
00:56:47I haven't seen you for so long, man.
00:56:49My human's been keeping me locked up, man.
00:56:52Oh, really ?
00:56:52Yeah, he went off on vacation, man, to london.
00:56:55Yeah ?
00:56:56He left me in the room for two weeks.
00:56:58Oh no.
00:56:58Yeah, I ate all his stash, too !
00:57:01Hey ! what ?
00:57:02You wanna chase some cats ?
00:57:04Cats ?
00:57:05Yeah, I could use a little pussy about now.
00:57:09Oh, smell that !
00:57:12Hey, let's go down and chase some fifi, man.
00:57:15Come on, I'm horny.
00:57:18I gotta go poop.
00:57:20What, right now ?
00:57:21You've been locked up too long, haven't you ?
00:57:25Well, let's pick out a good spot for it.
00:57:29Oh, god, I can't wait.
00:57:30Well, just do it right here.
00:57:31Yeah, but we're in the middle of the restaurant, man !
00:57:34Even better !
00:57:36Hey, go, I'll watch out for the waiter.
00:57:52( audience cheers ) Open wide !
00:58:06Oh, god, look at the size of that mother !
00:58:10Did I do that ?
00:58:12God, what do you want to name it, man ?
00:58:14Hey, it's still smoking !
00:58:18God, I love where you put it, too !
00:58:20As soon as the waiter comes out he's going to skid all the way to the kitchen !
00:58:26Thank you very much !
00:58:27It's been a pleasure, a pleasure playing for you.
00:58:30Thank you very much.
00:58:31( applause ) ♪♪ Still smokin' ♪♪
00:58:57♪♪ still tokin' ♪♪
00:58:59♪♪ hazed since 1965don't know why I'm still alive ♪♪
00:59:03♪♪ smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
00:59:06♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪ still tokin' ♪♪
00:59:11♪♪ haven't got a dimehaving fun and feeling fine ♪♪
00:59:14♪♪ and smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
00:59:23♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
00:59:26♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
00:59:28♪♪ spending all my timeon the unemployment line ♪♪
00:59:31♪♪ and smokin'still smokin' ♪♪
00:59:35♪♪ still smokin' ♪♪
00:59:37♪♪ I'm even jokin' ♪♪
00:59:39♪♪ haven't got a jobthank you jesus, thank you god ♪♪
00:59:42♪♪ and smokin'i'm smokin' ♪♪