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Aired at 06:00 AM on Sunday, Jan 24, 2010 (1/24/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02>> Milton, thank you so very ..
00:00:08>> I just want to tell ya-- that from the bottom of my heart, it's a pleasure to be here.
00:00:11I'm one of your big fans.
00:00:12>> Thank you.
00:00:13>> I've been watching you since I was this-- >> [laughing] no, no, no.
00:00:17>> No, I'm only kidding.
00:00:18I must say in all sincerity, I have seen you so many times getting younger i, mean, I've never seen you look better in your whole life.
00:00:26Do you agree with me ladies and gentleman.
00:00:27[Audience applause] >> thank you.
00:00:29>> I really mean that.
00:00:30>> I think that you need glasses.
00:00:32>> What?
00:00:33>> I said, I think you need glasses.
00:00:34>> [Laughs] that's true.
00:00:36>> [Laughing] milton berle ladies and gentleman.
00:00:40[Audience applause] >> [laughing] >> I'll always be very, very grateful to milton for lending us his star power.
00:00:48That was our very first blooper show-- long, long time ago.
00:00:52You will truly be missed.
00:00:54Thank you very much for watching.
00:00:57So long.
00:02:32[Whistle blowing] captioning made possible bydisney--abc domestic television uhh.
00:03:55[Groans] [groans] [sighs] [whistles] [plink] [plinking] [sighs] come on, boy.let's go to work, boy.
00:04:40[Screech] we're late, man.we're late.
00:04:45Oh, just great.there's wilkes.
00:04:47Give me the keys!why?
00:04:48Just give methe keys, man.
00:04:49Just hit the possum next time.
00:04:51We're federal agents.duh!
00:04:52Whoa, whoa,hey, hey!
00:04:53Hey, you guys can'tpark right here.
00:04:55It's ok. we're withthe government.
00:04:57Oh, yeah?is that right?
00:04:58Well, I'm withmall security.
00:05:00Now, you federal boys mightcall the shots out there, but whenyou're in this mall, you're undermy jurisdiction, and that car's parkedin a fire zone!
00:05:06That's right,'re absolutely right.
00:05:09What's your name?hill.
00:05:10Officer hill,how you doing, sir?
00:05:11I'm fine.
00:05:12I'm agent simms withthe secret service agency.
00:05:13We have a major operationgoing on here, and we'll need your help.
00:05:15can we count on you?
00:05:17Yes, sir,you can count on me.
00:05:18Now, I need youto watch this car.
00:05:20Guard it with your life.can you do that?
00:05:22Yes, sir, I can.
00:05:23What's so importantabout this car? know.
00:05:27Oh, yeah, I get it.i understand.
00:05:29Take good care problem.
00:05:30I gotta make you an honorarysecret service agent.
00:05:32Yes, sir.
00:05:33Grab my shoulders.
00:05:34Grab yourshoulders.
00:05:35Frisk me.frisk you.
00:05:36Turn around.give me a bump.
00:05:37There you go.thank you very much.
00:05:38Yes, sir. guard the car.
00:05:39Just guardthe car.
00:05:40Why don't you justshoot him next time?
00:05:46[Cereal crunching] let's go. we're late.
00:06:07Hey, I stillhave milk left.
00:06:09Leave it. usual.
00:06:13I'm nottaking the fall for you this time.let's go.
00:06:18Move it.
00:06:22 luke, honey, um, you're 10 minutes late.
00:06:26We were supposed to leave at 9:30.
00:06:28Woods, why didn't you say something?
00:06:29Agent woods, you're supposed to remind him of the time.
00:06:32He's--he's a child.
00:06:33He can't keep his own schedule.
00:06:35 i-- let's go. ok?
00:06:46Let's go. ok.
00:06:58Don't worry about it. just follow my lead.
00:07:00I think I found it!
00:07:02What? bark.
00:07:03[Barking] aah!
00:07:06How you doing, sir? fine.
00:07:09Major simms, secret service.
00:07:11Agent dash, secret service.
00:07:12Got a little bomb threat here with the donuts.
00:07:14Could we check out those bear claws?
00:07:16Yes, sir.
00:07:17No! do you want to blow us all up?
00:07:20Be careful. get that big bear claw.
00:07:22Don't use your hands, man!
00:07:23Use that tong! where you from?
00:07:25Now, hurry up. might be on a timer.
00:07:26And get those little peanut clusters.
00:07:28Could be a peanut bomb.
00:07:29And get the little candy sprinkles.
00:07:30They love to use that.
00:07:31The enemy is real hip to the candy thing.
00:07:32Sir, can we check a frosty long john, please?
00:07:34I don't think so, agent dash!
00:07:36Could you put those in a box for the bomb squad?
00:07:38Yes, sir.
00:07:39Freeze! I'll be back in a minute.
00:07:40Don't you move, don't you breathe.
00:07:42Any kind of pressure could set this off.
00:07:44[Sirens] I don't want any incidents today.
00:07:54You are in high school now and I expect you to act like it.
00:07:57Then don't dress me in these dorky clothes.
00:08:01You're not dressed in dorky clothes.
00:08:03You're in nice clothes. you look very handsome.
00:08:06You should consider yourself lucky.
00:08:09I should consider myself dorky.
00:08:13[Chuckles] my man? my man? hand me the box.
00:08:19Thank you for watching it for us.
00:08:22Your country thanks you, ok?
00:08:24Yes, sir. cool. oh!
00:08:26Dash, how many times do I have to tell you we can't have donuts on duty!
00:08:30Sir, this is agent dash.
00:08:30I think you remember him from this morning.
00:08:32Roger? yes, sir?
00:08:33Tell cliff I can't hold his dog when he goes to the bathroom.
00:08:35I just can't. I have my own job to do.
00:08:38You keep this up and you're going to be on field duty forever.
00:08:41If morton had seen that, you'd be laying your badge on the counter right now. I mean it.
00:08:45Come on, sir, I'm just joking.
00:08:47You're always just joking, and jokers don't protect the president.
00:08:50They stay in the field.
00:08:52That's not fair, sir.
00:08:52You know when it comes to my job I'm serious.
00:08:54I'm out there, taking care of business.
00:08:56I've proven myself.
00:08:57I know you have, sammy, but it's not about that.
00:08:59It's about the little things.
00:09:00The donuts, the fake dog poop at the inaugural.
00:09:04Not funny, sir. that was not funny.
00:09:06The right attitude!
00:09:08From now on, if I could get crown, I have the right attitude, ok?
00:09:11I'll buy more little brown ugly clip-on ties.
00:09:13I will do whatever it takes.
00:09:15I'm going by the book from now on.
00:09:16They'll call me sammy "by the book" simms.
00:09:18Sir, here's that explosive coffee, 2 sugars.
00:09:24Radio: Package is approaching the mall, sir, and it has arrived.
00:09:27Ok, caravan's here. get out there.
00:09:30Yes, sir.
00:09:31Leave the donuts!
00:09:33Ok, sir.
00:09:33Put the bear claw back. thank you very much.
00:09:37[Marching band music playing] [crowd cheering] [cameras clicking] mom, look at all these cameras!
00:09:45I'm not going in there.
00:09:46Of course you are. we do this every year.
00:09:50I'm not going in there.
00:09:53Do you want me to call your father?
00:09:55Why not? at least I'd get to talk to him.
00:09:59Look, I know this is hard, but you are going to get out of the car and when you do, you are going to be the happiest kid that ever went back-to-school shopping.
00:10:09Ok, sweetheart?
00:10:13[Rattles door handle] ok. all right. that's great. come on.
00:10:20Open the door.
00:10:25[Grunts] [unlocks door] mm-hmm.
00:10:30[Crowd cheering] [reporters shouting questions] mom, can I try one of these?
00:10:49No. we have a schedule to keep.
00:10:51We were late leaving, remember?
00:10:54Mom, it'll just take a minute.
00:10:56Be a good boy. don't embarrass your mommy.
00:11:06Dead people wear this stuff.
00:11:08Reporter: Ha! did you hear that?
00:11:09[Sighs] kids don't like dress clothes.
00:11:12What can I say?
00:11:14Mom, I said I didn't want to shop here.
00:11:19Man: Big smile now.
00:11:21Get rid of the cameras.
00:11:25Let's go.
00:11:26What are you doing?
00:11:28Why do we have to shop here?
00:11:29Because america shops here.
00:11:31Your father runs america so we shop here.
00:11:33You don't shop here.
00:11:35Never mind where I shop.
00:11:37Would you help me with this, please?
00:11:39 davenport, how do you find time to shop with your busy schedule?
00:11:42You heard your mother. put these on.
00:11:43It's a balancing act for all working mothers.
00:11:45And when you get right down to it, that's what I am.
00:11:49Get your butt in the dressing room.
00:11:51Luke: Ow!
00:11:52What are you doing?
00:11:53Luke: You're hurting me!
00:11:55What do you think you're doing?
00:11:57Don't ever touch him that way again.
00:11:59He wouldn't move.
00:12:00You told me to put him in the dressing-- that is not what I meant and you know it.
00:12:04Get in the dressing room, please.
00:12:08[Sighs] what?
00:12:09I don't want him guarding my son anymore.
00:12:12You get me an agent who can deal with a child.
00:12:15Reporter: You picking that up, brian?
00:12:18[Scoffs] Woods: Unbelievable.
00:12:23Thank you.
00:12:24Simms! simms!
00:12:26[Reporters shouting] [reporter laughing] [cameras clicking] you've been in the service 5 years.
00:12:412 Meritorious service awards.
00:12:48Why is your earpiece not in your ear?
00:12:51Oh, sir, the high frequencies bother me, so I take it out from time to time just to relieve the pressure.
00:12:56It seems there's always something with you, simms.
00:12:59"My bulletproof vest causes chafing"?
00:13:01It's a family thing, sir. more like a rash.
00:13:04" sir, I've lost a lot of weight since then.
00:13:09I've been working out-- sit down.
00:13:13It's-- shut up.
00:13:15Listen, I understand you did a good job in the field today.
00:13:19But even so, you've got a file full of borderline regulation infractions, which is why what I'm about to do is against my better judgment.
00:13:28This afternoon you'll be assigned a new detail.
00:13:31Effective at 1700 hours, ..
00:13:40Code name "prince," also known as luke davenport.
00:13:46I am so flattered, you just don't know.