All in the Family - Edith Finds an Old Man   View more episodes

Aired at 06:00 PM on Tuesday, Dec 08, 2009 (12/8/2009)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02Hey, edith.
00:00:04(louder): EDITH!
00:00:05Oh, archie, I'm so glad you're home.
00:00:09.. what a lousy day I had.
00:00:11I got something to tell you.
00:00:14I'm talking, edith.
00:00:15Didn't you hear me?
00:00:16" I want to tell you, I'm just wore out.
00:00:23You know, I ain't as young as I used to be.
00:00:26Oh, yeah, I know.
00:00:27What do you mean, you know?
00:00:29You ain't supposed to agree with that.
00:00:32I'm sorry, archie.
00:00:34Can I tell you my surprise now?
00:00:48You know, I think I can guess.
00:00:51Oh, you mean, like 20 questions?
00:00:53I think I could do it in three.
00:00:56All right.
00:00:57Is it littler than a breadbox?
00:01:00Is it bigger than a breadbox?
00:01:02Then it can only be one thing: An old man in pajamas munching on a cookie.
00:01:10.. how did you know that?
00:01:14He's standing over there!
00:01:19I'll bet you knew it all the time.
00:01:24Mr. quigley, this is my husband, archie!
00:01:28Hi, sonny.
00:01:31Uh, glad to know you there, pop.
00:01:33.. edith, get over here.
00:01:37Excuse me.
00:01:38Why don't you sit down?
00:01:41What'd you do, bring an old man home to take a nap?
00:01:44Oh, no, archie.
00:01:45I brought him in so he could make a phone call.
00:01:48You see, he called his daughter so she could come and pick him up but she wasn't home so he's going to call her later on.
00:01:55I don't follow you, edith.
00:01:57You take some man out of bed to bring him to my house to call his daughter?
00:02:05Edith, all right, edith, I'll find out myself.
00:02:08I'd like to get the story before the first of the month.
00:02:13Uh, excuse me there, pop, uh you mind if I ask you something?
00:02:17No, shoot.
00:02:18.. how come you're all dressed for beddy-byes?
00:02:22Well, at my age, you never know when a nap's going to come over you.
00:02:30Tell you the truth I was wearing these when I broke out.
00:02:38When you broke out?
00:02:39 quigley ran away from an old folks' retirement home.
00:02:44Well, what's the matter with the home?
00:02:46You see that wart?
00:02:48The wart, yeah.
00:02:49You know what it's good for?
00:02:52And that's how you feel when you're in an old folks' home-- good for nothing, and useless.
00:02:57Well, now, listen, I mean if you don't like the home, after all it's a free country, why don't you just leave and get a place of your own?
00:03:03You ever try finding an apartment when all you got to live on is 180 bucks a month social security?
00:03:09You'll see.
00:03:10How long you got before you'll be 65?
00:03:14Oh, I got, uh, plenty of time there.
00:03:15I ain't thinking about that yet.
00:03:17Why don't you make your phone call?
00:03:18Ma, this cash register slip can't be right.
00:03:22You spent over $27 on two little bags of groceries?
00:03:25Yeah, that's right.
00:03:26Oh, no, that cash register must have been on the blink.
00:03:30Well, let me check it for you.
00:03:37That's right, 27.52.
00:03:39Oh, come on there.
00:03:40Nobody can add up a list that fast.
00:03:43Let me see the tape here.
00:03:47Check into that, meathead.
00:03:50What are you so surprised about?
00:03:51There are plenty of people who can add fast.
00:03:53All right, but not at his age.
00:03:55I mean, at this age here your head don't click like that.
00:03:59What about sam ervin?
00:04:00His head's clicking pretty good.
00:04:09That ain't his head, it's only his eyebrows.
00:04:17He's right, arch, it checks out.
00:04:19Ain't that wonderful!
00:04:21What makes you so good at arithmetic?
00:04:24I used to be a bookkeeper.
00:04:25Well, if you're so good at figures how come you ain't still working?
00:04:29It wasn't my fault.
00:04:30I guess they figured that an old man would make the office kind of look rundown.
00:04:35Yup, they got all kinds of medicines to keep us living longer and longer.
00:04:40Now they got us living longer they don't know what to do with us.
00:04:43You wait and see.
00:04:44Oh, i-i don't want to talk about that.
00:04:49Uh, do you know your daughter's phone number?
00:04:53555-743(blank) 555-743(blank).
00:04:57Well, I think we can get you out of here faster if I call because I can talk faster than you.
00:05:03If she knew it was me calling she wouldn't even pick up the phone.
00:05:07Oh, I can't believe that.
00:05:08I mean, any daughter would be glad to know where her father is.
00:05:13.. shush.
00:05:14Hello, uh, uh, you don't know me but my name is archie bunker, and I got good news for you.
00:05:20I got your father here with me.
00:05:23No, no, no, no, this ain't the home.
00:05:25No, he crashed out of there.
00:05:28.. no, no he don't want to go back there, see?
00:05:32I, I don't know why.
00:05:33It's got something to do with warts.
00:05:38Well, i, I tell you what, I live at 704 hauser street in queens and if you start right over here you can get him out of here before we sit down to eat.
00:05:50Hey, wait a minute there.
00:05:53Are you sure you give me the right number here because, uh, this don't sound like your daughter.
00:05:58Did she tell you to go to hell?
00:06:02That's my daughter.
00:10:03(muttering) Ahh, no!
00:10:10(shouting) No! get away from me!
00:10:13Get away from me!
00:10:14(yells) (gasps) .. edith.
00:10:20What time is it?
00:10:23It's 12:00.
00:10:2312:00! Half the day is gone.
00:10:25Why didn't you wake me up?
00:10:26It's your day off, archie.
00:10:28You needed your rest.
00:10:29But edith, I was having a nightmare here.
00:10:31Don't ever let me sleep when I'm having a nightmare.
00:10:37I'm sorry, archie.
00:10:39What did you dream?
00:10:41Oh, geez, edith, it was awful.
00:10:43I was out all alone someplace in the cold, you know.
00:10:47Only in my pajamas.
00:10:48And it's snowing, see, and I'm freezing cold and I'm stumbling along, tripping over my beard.
00:10:55What beard?
00:10:57In the dream I got a long, white beard, see?
00:11:00I'm going along there, and I'm stumbling over it.
00:11:03And I'm, I'm looking for mike and gloria's house.
00:11:06You mean mike and gloria moved into their own house?
00:11:15That was the only good part of the dream.
00:11:21So I'm going through this strange neighborhood you know, and I'm looking for their house and I can't find the address because all the street signs are in polish.
00:11:35Then, all of a sudden I heard the sound of somebody eating.
00:11:38And I said, "that must be the meathead's " so I followed the munching and crunching noise right up to the door, see?
00:11:46And I knock on the door, and gloria comes out.
00:11:49She says, "get away from here, old man!
00:11:52" and she stands there, laughing at me.
00:11:55Oh, gloria would never do a thing like that.
00:11:59Don't tell me she wouldn't do it!
00:12:02I seen it with my own eyes!
00:12:04And she's laughing at me there and all of a sudden, out popped two little kids, see?
00:12:08What kids?
00:12:09Their kids, our grandchildren, see?
00:12:14Two little twin meatheads about six years ..
00:12:19And both of them got long hair and mustaches.
00:12:24You know what they done to me?
00:12:26They grabbed me by my white beard and kicked my ankles.
00:12:32Oh! poor, archie.
00:12:34What did you do?
00:12:35Oh, I hollered out to gloria for help there but all she done was laugh and say, "get out of here" and she went and made a phone call.
00:12:42The next thing you know, these two big guys showed up, see all dressed in white.
00:12:47And then they threw a net over me and they dragged me into this old building, see?
00:12:51And I'm cold and I'm wet and I'm tired.
00:12:53All I want to do is sleep.
00:12:55They wouldn't let me sleep.
00:12:56They kept me up all night playing bingo.
00:13:04Did you win?
00:13:12 quigley, is everything set between you and joe?
00:13:15Well, if it ain't, I'll just go back to the home.
00:13:19You said you'd never go back there again.
00:13:21Yeah, I did.
00:13:22But you know the old proverb.
00:13:27Oh, yeah.
00:13:28...Can get you awful dirty.
00:13:34Just passing through, everybody.
00:13:36I got to get archie's breakfast.
00:13:38I couldn't move that fast when I was 21.
00:13:43What did you do for fun when you were 21?
00:13:46A lot of things I can't do now.
00:13:52Yeah, but what I liked to do most was to go dancing.
00:13:55Oh, really?
00:13:56What kind of dancing did you do way back then?
00:13:59I'll show you.
00:14:00Oh, boy!
00:14:01Hah, here we go.
00:14:02♪♪ Everybody's doing it, doing it, doing it ♪♪
00:14:04♪♪ everybody's doing it ♪♪
00:14:06 the turkey trot ♪♪
00:14:08♪♪ see that brand-new couple over there ♪♪
00:14:10♪♪ watch them throw their shoulders in the air ♪♪
00:14:13♪♪ he's a bear, he's a bear, he's a bear ♪♪
00:14:16 ♪♪
00:14:25quigley, what about the phone call?
00:14:28It's all set.
00:14:29Joe's coming to pick me up.
00:14:30Oh, good. when?
00:14:31Could be any minute.
00:14:32Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
00:14:33Or it could be a few days.
00:14:36Don't get me wrong, joe's bright.
00:14:39Smart as a whip.
00:14:40But sometimes, joe kind of forgets.
00:14:43Joe forgets.
00:14:44Hey, edith!
00:14:48Edith, listen.
00:14:49From what I just heard out there this guy joe may never get here unless he stops first to take a memory course.
00:14:56 quigley stay with us for a couple of days?
00:14:59Because I already got one freeloader with me and bread's up ten cents a loaf.
00:15:04I know what to do, I'll call the home.
00:15:06Oh, no, archie, don't do that.
00:15:08He'll be out of here pretty soon.
00:15:11And it don't hurt us that much to take care of him for a couple of days.
00:15:15Edith, that ain't our job.
00:15:16Let the government take care of him.
00:15:19That's just it, archie.
00:15:20The government's not taking care of him.
00:15:21What are you talking about?
00:15:23You heard, the guy's got social security.
00:15:25Sure, 180 bucks a month.
00:15:26The official poverty level is $205 a month.
00:15:29Don't you see, arch?
00:15:29The government is just helping old people to starve slower.
00:15:32Well, maybe when you start working and paying taxes the government can do better.
00:15:37Guys like quigley can barely make ends meet when they're healthy.
00:15:40What happens when he gets sick?
00:15:41Don't be stupid, ain't you never heard of medicure?
00:15:47It's medicare, and I saw a documentary about it on television.
00:15:50The way it works, it only pays for 42%.
00:15:52The rest comes out of the old people's pockets.
00:15:55Can't you see by my face !
00:15:59Well, I want to talk about it, arch!
00:16:02Maybe we should.
00:16:02It won't be long before we'll be in our golden years.
00:16:09" " don't talk about that no more!
00:16:13And don't be listening to this meatheaded pinko over here.
00:16:15The president's going to take care of people like you and me.
00:16:18Didn't he push up the social security five percent?
00:16:20While groceries went up 20%?
00:16:23Oh, what do you care?
00:16:23That's another 20% you're eating free.
00:16:26Get away from me.
00:16:27Archie, don't throw him out, please!
00:16:29It's just going to be a couple of days.
00:16:31Will the two of youse get off of my back!
00:16:36 quigley, there ..
00:16:39(doorbell rings) Hey! could that be your friend, joe?
00:16:42I'll bet it is.
00:16:43I'll answer it, I'll answer it.
00:16:45I always answer the door to people who are welcome in this house.
00:16:47And your friend joe's welcome here.
00:16:53Who are you?
00:16:54I'm jo.
00:17:08Jo, you look prettier than ever.
00:17:10Oh, and you look younger than ever.
00:17:12I can lie just as good as you can.
00:17:14Hey, quigley, you mean to tell me this is the joe you're planning on sharing the apartment with?
00:17:19Yup, josephine.
00:17:20Jo, meet my friends, the bunkers.
00:17:23Hi. hi. how do you do?
00:17:24And this is mrs. bunker, who rescued me.
00:17:27Oh, well, I'm so happy to know you.
00:17:29Oh, me too.
00:17:30Archie, ain't they a lovely couple?
00:17:35What do you mean, couple?
00:17:36.. are you?
00:17:39Oh, come on, sonny, get with it.
00:17:42You know what would happen if jo and I got married?
00:17:45I'd lose half my social security.
00:17:47That's the way the government's taking care of them, arch.
00:17:50Oh, lay off the government over there, will you?
00:17:52I mean, I don't care personally if they live together.
00:17:56Let them live together.
00:17:57I mean, after all, at your age .. what could you do?
00:18:02.. whatever comes to mind.
00:18:08Well, I'll get my hat and coat.
00:18:11Justin, did you hear about poor old hazel quinn?
00:18:15Don't tell me she passed away.
00:18:18She was picked up for shoplifting and thrown into jail.
00:18:20They can't put a good woman like that in jail.
00:18:24What are you talking about, quigley?
00:18:26Anybody that steals deserves to be in jail.
00:18:28Hazel quinn is 78 years old and she was hungry.
00:18:37It's a good thing the government raised social security five percent, right, arch?
00:18:41Aw, clam up, you.
00:18:43Well, we got to be going now.
00:18:44I sure want to thank you for the lovely way you took care of me.
00:18:47I'd like to do something to sort of make it up to you.
00:18:50I'll give you one little piece of advice.
00:18:53.. gets most of the blanket.
00:19:06You're so clever.
00:19:08Oh, I'm not really that smart but people expect an old man to be wise.
00:19:12I didn't want to disappoint you.
00:19:15Come on, jo.
00:19:15Well, let us know when you get settled.
00:19:18We'd like to see both of you again.
00:19:21Wait a minute.
00:19:21How would you two like to be new grandparents?
00:19:26I don't think we got time.
00:19:29No, no, I mean like foster grandparents, for all of us.
00:19:32Oh, I don't need no kind of grandparents.
00:19:35Come on, daddy.
00:19:36I never knew my real grandma and grandpa.
00:19:38Well, you wouldn't have liked them.
00:19:43He don't mean that.
00:19:44Well, I like these two.
00:19:45And I'd like you to come visit us on holidays.
00:19:48Oh, what a lovely idea.
00:19:50Thank you, dear.
00:19:51Maybe sometimes we can go visit you.
00:19:52Go as often as you can, meathead.
00:19:56Jo, it looks like we've just been adopted.
00:19:59Well, see you all next christmas.
00:20:01Hey, yeah, that's a good idea.
00:20:04Next christmas.
00:20:05See you next christmas there.
00:20:08Oh, I'm going to give you one more piece of advice.
00:20:10And this is just for you, sonny.
00:20:12Something my father said to me.
00:20:15" what's that supposed to mean?
00:20:21You'll find out.
00:20:36[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT Of education and NICK AT NITE'S TV LAND] nfanfnnnúnnnnnnnnnfanfnnnfanfnnnnnnnnnnnnnfnnf mom, I'm starving!
00:21:16Dude, I'm hungry!
00:21:19Where's the food?
00:21:20Are you serious?
00:21:23I don't want that-- I don't want that.
00:21:28(bell ringing) (announcer) GIVE THEM THE SNACK THEY'RE LOOKING For.
00:21:32Serve tyson any'tizers, they're protein packed with white-meat chicken and come in different varieties to keep them satisfied.
00:21:40At least till dinner.
00:21:41(Teen) THANKS, MOM.
00:23:16All in the familywas recorded on tape before a live audience.
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00:25:50♪♪ Boy, the way glenn miller played ♪♪
00:25:52♪♪ songs that made the hit parade ♪♪
00:25:55♪♪ guys like us, we had it made ♪♪
00:25:59♪♪ those were the days ♪♪
00:26:02♪♪ and you knew where you were then ♪♪
00:26:05♪♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪♪
00:26:09♪♪ mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again ♪♪
00:26:16♪♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪♪
00:26:18♪♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪♪
00:26:22♪♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪♪
00:26:27 ♪♪
00:26:30[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT Of education and NICK AT NITE] Oh, mike there you are.
00:26:46Thanks, ma, but what was that for?
00:26:48It's henry mancini's birthday.
00:26:54Uh, ma what was that about henry mancini?
00:26:58" (loudly and off-key): ♪♪ MOON RIVER ♪♪
00:27:04.. ♪♪
00:27:05yeah, ma, I know the song.
00:27:07I know the song.
00:27:08What was that about his birthday?
00:27:09Well, 12 years ago, when that song first came out it was summer and very hot and archie came home one day and he said, "edith, I'm taking you on the town tonight.
00:27:22"We're going to the radio city music hall "and then to schrafft's for a banana split.
00:27:29" uh, okay, ma, wait a second.
00:27:3312 Years ago, you went to radio city musical hall then had a banana split.
00:27:40Oh, archie was in such a good mood that night and the stage show at the music hall!
00:27:46The rockettes were all dressed up like poor little street kids except they had high heels.
00:27:54You take that.
00:27:55Yeah, uh, ma? ma, wait a second.
00:27:58I'm still waiting for henry mancini.
00:28:01Well, that was the picture at the music hall-- breakfast at tiffany's " ..
00:28:09By henry mancini. by henry mancini.
00:28:12And then when archie and me got home gloria's radio was playing "moon river" and we heard it as we was walking up the stairs and we started humming it together and archie kissed me.
00:28:31(nervous laugh) Excuse me.
00:28:35That was the best part of one of the best days in my whole life.
00:28:39And all because of henry mancini.
00:28:42Yeah and the whole night came back to me when I was reading in ed sullivan's column that today is henry mancini's birthday.
00:28:52Oh, yes.
00:28:52Oh, I just love my family.
00:28:58We love you, too, ma.
00:28:59Oh, I just can't wait for everybody to get home.
00:29:02I hope archie's in a good mood.
00:29:10Hello, archie. how was your day?
00:29:18Does that answer your question?
00:29:20Oh, yeah. I guess so.