Frasier - Love Bites Dog   View more episodes

Aired at 09:30 PM on Monday, Jul 12, 2010 (7/12/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01What's that thing?
00:00:02"If you love something,let it go.
00:00:03.. " yeah, that's it.
00:00:08Hey, don't get me wrong.
00:00:09I'm reallybroken up about this.
00:00:11Hey, think fast.
00:00:17Come on. yeah.
00:00:20.. oh....
00:00:22I'll never forget youeither, sandy.
00:00:28I thought I was talkingto your sister.
00:00:30Oh, well, tell her same goes.
00:00:34Frasier, do youhave a minute?
00:00:37What is it?
00:00:38You won't likethis idea.
00:00:40You're going to complainand make up excuses and then sayno anyway.
00:00:44The very wordsi would use to woo my dear lilith.
00:00:48I have this friend.
00:00:49You two would really hit it off.
00:00:51You're wonderingif I might meet her for a drink which mightlead to dinner and after that,who knows where?
00:00:56Yes, exactly.
00:00:57Oh. oh, roz, do you hear that?
00:01:01If you listenvery carefully you can actually hearmy skin crawling.
00:01:08I know, blind dates stink but you're my friend,and I'm worried about you.
00:01:13When was the last time you were with a woman?
00:01:16Seems like almost a year.
00:01:17Oh! it has not been that long!
00:01:19I mean, that is a laugh.
00:01:28Well, the tree was still up.
00:01:30Oh, god.
00:01:33Oh, roz, I'm not interested.
00:01:35But she's an incredible person-- smart, funny.
00:01:37She's a former pro golfer, but hasn't met the right guy.
00:01:41A woman golfer?
00:01:42Are we quite certain thereisa right guy?
00:01:45She dates men.
00:01:46Not this one.
00:01:47She plays chess.
00:01:48She loves your showand I know this isn't supposed to matter, but I've seen her in the shower ..
00:01:55Oh, please.
00:01:55She has a body that makes bo derek look like bo diddley.
00:01:59A chess player, did you say?
00:02:07[ Susan ] I HATE THAT THE REASON WE'RE ALWAYS Stopping is because I have to go to the bathroom.
00:02:13And when we're sitting in traffic, I worry I'll have an accident.
00:02:19Be right back.
00:02:22So today I'm finally going to talk to my doctor about overactive bladder.
00:02:27[ Female Announcer ] IF YOU'RE SUFFERING, Today is the day to talk to your doctor and ask aboutprescription toviaz.
00:02:33One toviaz pill a day significantly reduces sudden urges and accidents all day and all night.
00:02:37And toviaz comes with a simple, 12-week plan with tips on training your bladder.
00:02:42If you have certain stomach problems or glaucoma or cannot empty your bladder, you should not take toviaz.
00:02:46Toviaz can cause blurred vision and drowsiness, so use caution when driving or doing unsafe tasks.
00:02:51The most common side effects are dry mouth and constipation.
00:02:54[ Susan ] TODAY, I'M VISITING MY SON Without visiting every single bathroom.
00:02:59[ Female Announcer ]WHY WAIT?
00:03:01Ask about toviaz today.
00:03:07someFiber Clusters?
00:03:09You mustreally care about him.
00:03:12What? No, no.
00:03:14You gave him fiber.
00:03:15No she didn't.
00:03:15This tastes way too goodto be fiber.
00:03:17They're delicious crunchyclusters with sweet honey and half a day's worth of fiber.
00:03:21You care about my fiber?
00:03:23Not really.
00:03:23I care about your fiber too.I have for a while.
00:03:25Ok, Carl. Why don't you careabout her fiber?
00:03:29Hey Carl.
00:03:30[ Male Announcer Fiber One.
00:03:31Cardboard no. Delicious yes.
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00:04:24So powerful there'sno need to pre rinse for 12 washes.
00:04:29New quantumatic.
00:04:31Only from finish.
00:04:32The diamond standard.
00:04:36Martin: Lookat these pants.
00:04:39Oh, dear, mr. crane.
00:04:40Did eddie drag you through the puddles again?
00:04:44Every last one of them.
00:04:45Eddie, get in here.
00:04:46Eddie, I meannow.
00:04:51What am I going to do with you?
00:04:53My favorite shoes are soaked.
00:04:57Eddie, look at me when I'm talking to you.
00:05:00You're doing it again.
00:05:02You're acting like those nut-jobs in the park who treat their pets like children.
00:05:05Yeah? when you do it outside, you're a nut.
00:05:08When you do it inside it's your own damn business.
00:05:12Eddie, go to your room.
00:05:15Oh, don't worry about your shoes.
00:05:18I'll get them all dried out for you.
00:05:20I hope. they're not just any shoes.
00:05:22These are muckabees, the most comfortable shoes made.
00:05:25Air cushioned insoles, deep flannel lining.
00:05:29You know, I remember one anniversary, I surprised hester with a pair of lady muckabees.
00:05:34Don't remember which anniversary but I know it ended with a zero.
00:05:38I don't doubt that.
00:05:47Oh, all right, I forgive you.
00:05:52I love you too.
00:05:54Yeah, I do.
00:05:54You'll always be my very best boy.
00:05:59(whistling) You know, dad there are some fathers who actually praise their sons and whistle at their dogs.
00:06:06New suit, huh?
00:06:08Who's the lucky girl?
00:06:09I'm meeting a friend of roz's today after work but it's no big deal.
00:06:13Well, congratulations.
00:06:14What's it been, a year?
00:06:16It has not been that long.
00:06:21I remember the tree was still up.
00:06:25Well, look at you, all got up like a dog's dinner.
00:06:28Yes, it's a new suit.
00:06:29Yes, I'm meeting a woman, and, yes-- it has been a while.
00:06:33Thanks. that reminds me.
00:06:35I have to order me cards.
00:06:40Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave?
00:06:44Oh, no!
00:06:50My muckabees!
00:06:52 I didn't mean to leave them in there for so long.
00:06:55Yes, well, english cooking strikes again.
00:07:01You should be happy one of your patien feels healthy enough to terminate therapy.
00:07:05I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in deep financial straits.
00:07:10Look at this belt.
00:07:13(whispers): SPANISH LEATHER.
00:07:16 blackwell comes in I'll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it.
00:07:20Obviously, the time has come for me to expand my practice so, I'm placing an ad inseattle stylemagazine.
00:07:27An advertisement?
00:07:29Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist?
00:07:31Said dr. pot to dr. kettle.
00:07:36Besides a highly respected obstetrician on my floor did it and now his waiting room has more swollen bellies than a buddhist temple.
00:07:45That's good.
00:07:46Um, here.
00:07:48I'm on my way to call it in.
00:07:49I just wanted to run it by you.
00:07:51All right.
00:07:52 niles crane, jung specialist "servicing individuals, couples, groups.
00:07:56" ..
00:07:59" well, that's just excellent, niles.
00:08:03All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon with you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head.
00:08:10I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
00:08:11I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
00:08:16I'm off.
00:08:19Hey, wild thing.
00:08:20Yes, hello.
00:08:22Look. we have on the same belt.
00:08:23Oh, my god.
00:08:26Hi, roz.
00:08:27Sharon will be here any minute did you say anything to her?
00:08:29 she has no idea this is a setup.
00:08:32If I don't like her, I will excuse myself and leave but if I do like her I will find some polite and discrete way of indicating that you may go.
00:08:42Beat it, roz.
00:08:47Hi, sharon. hi, roz.
00:08:48Good to see you.
00:08:49Look who I ran into.
00:08:50My boss, dr. frasier crane.
00:08:52This is sharon payton.
00:08:54I'm a big fan of your show.
00:08:56Thank you.
00:08:57I'm sure you're tired of hearing that.
00:08:59You probably get it all the time.
00:09:01Oh, well, not lately.
00:09:02Listen, sharon, I am so sorry to do this to you but I just got a call from the office and it's urgent and I have to go.
00:09:09Oh, sure, that's all right.
00:09:12Well, as long as you're here, you might as well join me.
00:09:15.. that'd be nice.
00:09:18Bye. bye, roz.
00:09:21You know, I really do love listening to your show.
00:09:24I think it's because you have such a soothing voice.
00:09:27(breathy voice): WHAT A VERY KIND THING TO Say.
00:09:32I almost called in once.
00:09:35May I ask what the problem was?
00:09:37Well, uh, I'm terribly competitive which is great for sports.
00:09:42I used to play pro golf but, well, sometimes, it seeps into my personal life.
00:09:46Ah, well, I don't really think that's too great a problem but if I were to make a recommendation it might be to start seeing a therapist.
00:09:53Whoa. hello, gorgeous.
00:09:57Hi, bulldog.
00:09:58Not you.
00:10:00Aren't you going to introduce me?
00:10:02Actually, I wasn't. no.
00:10:03Bob brisco.
00:10:04Sharon payton.
00:10:05Yes, good to see you, bulldog.
00:10:08Hey, wait a minute.
00:10:08Wait a minute. sharon payton.
00:10:10I know you.
00:10:11L.p.g.a. you won the denver open, 1992.
00:10:14 That was a fabulous year for a chambertin I took a shine to.
00:10:18I know you too.
00:10:19You're that guy that said golf is not a sport.
00:10:22Well, it's not.
00:10:24Yeah, no cheerleaders, no blood and the only cups involved are in the ground.
00:10:28This reminds me of a debate I had with my brother niles about whether or not stephen sondheim is really light opera.
00:10:34I have a theory that people who put down golf do so because they can't play well.
00:10:39Is that a challenge?
00:10:40It might be.
00:10:41If we leave right now we can get in nine holes.
00:10:44Loser buys dinner.
00:10:45You're on.
00:10:46Frasier, would you like to join us?
00:10:48Uh, well, no. I don't play.
00:10:50Well, it was nice meeting you.
00:10:53I'll get my coat.
00:10:54Bulldog, listen.
00:10:55Roz set this up that I might meet sharon.
00:10:57Until you got here, things were going in a positive direction.
00:11:00Things seemed to have changed.
00:11:01What do you eggheads call that? irony?
00:11:11AND ONLY Allstate PAYS YOU AN EXTRA BONUS To do it.
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00:12:52Saving money.
00:12:53And like baseball people love their stats.
00:12:55I started bringing my lunch to work -- 50 bucks a weekin my pocket.
00:13:00Here's a good one: State farm insures40 million drivers.
00:13:03More than geico and progressivecombined.
00:13:05I saved becausei'm accident-free.
00:13:07Of course,with so many ways to save including discountsof up to 40%, having that many customersshouldn't be a surprise.
00:13:14So ask a neighborabout state farm, then call an agent at 1-800-state-farm or go online.
00:13:53The real secret of muckabees is they mold themselves to the shape of your foot.
00:13:58My problem was always hammertoes.
00:14:01When you have hammertoes you have a hell of a time finding shoes.
00:14:04But muckabees fit over my hammertoes like a glove.
00:14:11When you're young you dream about fame and fortune.
00:14:14You get to be my age all you really want is a comfy pair of shoes.
00:14:19I'd settle for never hearing the word hammertoes again.
00:14:24Don't give me any attitude.
00:14:25It wasn't me that nuked the muckabees.
00:14:27I'm not the one who can't remember where the store is.
00:14:31I'll tell you when to stop.
00:14:36Is that it?
00:14:37It's a red light.
00:14:40In this country, we stop for those.
00:14:43All right, all right.
00:14:44(muttering): WOMAN DRIVER.
00:15:05Oh. oh.
00:15:06Haven't you spoken with sharon?
00:15:07I tried, but she wasn't home all weekend.
00:15:13Look, before you snap my behind with a wet towel the last time I saw sharon was leaving cafe nervosa with bulldog.
00:15:21Frasier, how could you let that happen?
00:15:24I don't know.
00:15:25The whole thing is a blur.
00:15:26We were talking about golf and something called a handicap.
00:15:30Next thing I know I'm sitting with a cappuccino muttering to myself in a very soothing voice.
00:15:35I'm sorry.
00:15:37The whole thing just catapulted me back to high school.
00:15:40You've only known me as an adult but back then, I was rather an unathletic, bookish sort.
00:15:45Get out.
00:15:45Jocks were the bane of my existence.
00:15:47They always called me a weenie and would steal all the girls that I wanted.
00:15:51Frasier, you must have had some girlfriends.
00:15:54Friends. yeah, yeah.
00:15:56Anytime they wanted a sensitive shoulder to cry on.
00:15:58But some blockheaded pillar of testosterone would come by and it was, "bye, fras.
00:16:03" and I'd head home to niles and we'd put on "the brandenburg concertos" and play air violin.
00:16:13Hey, guys.
00:16:15(giggling) What a weekend.
00:16:18Listen, sharon is my friend and you better not hurt her.
00:16:23Hurt her?
00:16:25I am crazy about her.
00:16:27(giggling): I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE.
00:16:29You know, on my way to work all these songs on the radio suddenly made sense to me.
00:16:38Have you ever listened to the words to "time in a bottle"?
00:16:42It's so beautiful, man, I had to pull over.
00:16:45Oh, my god, it's in love.
00:16:47Last night, for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words-- " you had sex with sharon?
00:17:00Doc, please.
00:17:01We made love.
00:17:03You know what?
00:17:05I got to call her.
00:17:06No, I got to play hard to ge but I miss the sound of her voice.
00:17:10I'm calling her.
00:17:11Wait. it's too needy.
00:17:12Chicks hate that.
00:17:13I shouldn't call her.
00:17:15But I want to.
00:17:17Doc, what should I do?
00:17:19Don't ask me.
00:17:20Don't even know who you are.
00:17:25This was it.
00:17:27This was the muckabees store.
00:17:28Now it's gone and so are the only shoes i ever loved.
00:17:32Mr. crane, look at me.
00:17:34We're talking here about something that's old and smelly and dirty.
00:17:41Not you.
00:17:41We're talking about muckabees.
00:17:43Oh. great shoes.
00:17:45They used to sell them here.
00:17:47What happened to the store?
00:17:50Do you know where?
00:17:52Yeah. it'll cost you.
00:17:54How much?
00:17:56No, not money.
00:17:58I want a kiss.
00:18:01You heard him.
00:18:02Mr. crane!
00:18:04You burned them. you owe me.
00:18:06It's only a kiss.
00:18:07Not her.
00:18:15 frasier crane, kacl 780 talk radio.
00:18:20I thought you'd never finish.
00:18:22What say I buy us dinner and martinis.
00:18:24Sounds great, except for the dinner part.
00:18:27You had a bad day too?
00:18:29I had an abysmal day.
00:18:30Remember the ad I placed?
00:18:32.." well, they've made a tiny little typo.
00:18:37See if you can find it.
00:18:42" oh, my.
00:18:49The rest they got perfectly.
00:19:00"Satisfaction guaranteed.
00:19:04'" ..
00:19:12Any calls?
00:19:14It's a telethon.
00:19:16.. we'll start with double martinis.
00:19:18All right.
00:19:19Doc, wait a second.
00:19:20I need the name of one of those fancy restaurants you go to.
00:19:24Hi. sharon.
00:19:26It's me, bob.
00:19:26I had a great time last night.
00:19:29Listen, how about dinner tonight?
00:19:31You do?
00:19:33All right, how about tomorrow night?
00:19:36Hey, it's a good thing I'm not paranoid.
00:19:40I'd think you were dumping me.
00:19:42Whoa. I walked into that one.
00:19:48Yeah, me too.
00:19:50Gee, I'm sorry, bulldog.
00:19:53Me too.
00:19:54I'll call francois and see if he can get us a table on the patio.
00:19:58Ten seconds, bulldog.
00:20:00Listen, uh, bulldog, are you going to be all right?
00:20:05Me? are you kidding?
00:20:06I'm the bulldog.
00:20:07Attention, sports fans!
00:20:10You are in the doghouse.
00:20:12(barking) First, some weekend scores.
00:20:18(voice cracks) 42-10.
00:20:21THE 49ers HUMILIATED...
00:20:22(voice cracks) The patriots, 35-7.
00:20:28Golf. hey, golf sucks, right?
00:20:30Go to calls.
00:20:31You're in the doghouse.
00:20:33Put on a flea collar.
00:20:35We have the table, frasier but francois can only hold it for ten minutes.
00:20:39In a minute.
00:20:39Man: Are the seahawks thinking of leaving Seattle again?
00:20:43I have no respect for them, man.
00:20:46Anyone who has their fun .. they just leave you-- hey, to hell with them, right?
00:20:51We'll get another team-- ..
00:20:58A team we can love forever.
00:21:00Go to commercial.
00:21:02I already did.
00:21:03Bulldog, are you going to be all right?
00:21:05Do you think you can take the show?
00:21:07Wait, bulldog. we need a tape.
00:21:09Where's thebest of bulldog?
00:21:12She took the best of bulldog.
00:21:14We've got dead air in 15 seconds.
00:21:18Great. I'll get bulldog.
00:21:19You take over the show.
00:21:21Me? a sports show?
00:21:22You're the only one here.
00:21:30(honk) Okay, uh, sports enthusiasts, this is dr.
00:21:32Frasier crane filling in for bob bulldog brisco.
00:21:39You're on the air.
00:21:41Man: This is mike.
00:21:42I wanted to talk to Bulldog, but you'll do.
00:21:44So, what's your take on the damn Yankees this season?
00:21:48Are you speaking of the frothy musical adaptation of the faustian myth or the baseball team of which I know nothing?
00:21:56What a weenie.
00:21:57(dial tone) Doesn't that take me back?
00:22:00But he brings up a good point.
00:22:02While I'm on the air please feel free to call in about anything other than sports.
00:22:09You're on the air.
00:22:10You think it was a good idea for the Sonics to give up those draft choices so they could free up money under the cap to go after a wide body to help them in the paint?
00:22:26You're on the air.
00:22:30I know you're in there.
00:22:32Get out here.
00:22:33Oh, give me a break, leonard.
00:22:35Like you haven't fantasized about this moment.
00:22:40Go away, roz.
00:22:42Will you grow up?
00:22:44So you got dumped.
00:22:45You got a little payback for the way you've treated women all your life.
00:22:50Besides, the bulldog I know doesn't get sad.
00:22:54He gets angry.
00:22:55You're right.
00:22:56This stinks!
00:22:57.. total b.s.
00:22:59(sobbing) If you don't come out in the next three seconds I'll reach in there and drag you out by your ankles.
00:23:09Hello, roz. playing hard to get?
00:23:11It's bulldog.
00:23:12You're a psychiatrist. help him.
00:23:14As distressed as I am by his condition he's not the only one suffering here.
00:23:18In eight minutes frasier and I are going to lose our patio table.
00:23:22As long as frasier's filling in for bulldog you're not going anywhere.
00:23:26You poor man.
00:23:28Help is at hand.
00:23:29No. no shrinks. I hate shrinks.
00:23:34Help me.
00:23:38There, there.
00:23:39I'm here for you.
00:23:42Over there for me.
00:23:45What is going on?
00:23:47Frasier, please, we're in session.
00:23:49We have to pull this man together in minutes not in a lifetime.
00:23:56Get out.
00:23:57I'm referring you to my brother.
00:23:59I'll tell francois there's been a death in the family.
00:24:02That ought to buy us another ten minutes.
00:24:04Bulldog, we're on a news break.
00:24:06I won't endure any more humiliation.
00:24:08I am not going out there.
00:24:10You have got to.
00:24:11I can't even decipher the abbreviations on the score sheets.
00:24:15I'm guessing by your producer's guffaws that it is not the cleveland independents.
00:24:20I just never felt this way about a chick before.
00:24:23I was even thinking about her and me having kids.
00:24:28Isn't that scary?
00:24:30Positively bone-chilling.
00:24:32It hurts like hell.
00:24:33I know, bulldog.
00:24:34Often through pain we can achieve emotional growth.
00:24:37It reminds me of a per I recently presented to the vancouver psychiatric association.
00:24:44The gravamen of my discourse ..
00:24:48Doc, you're hurting my head here.
00:24:50Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy?
00:24:57Like a guy.
00:25:00Screw her!
00:25:05Yeah, you don't need her. she's trash.
00:25:08Yeah, trash.
00:25:09You're better off without her.
00:25:11I like the sound of this.
00:25:13It's unattractive, yet liberating like the time I wore a european bathing suit.
00:25:18I'm sorry.
00:25:19She's a bitch!
00:25:20Hey, she wasn't even that hot.
00:25:22All shdid was save you the trouble of dumping her.
00:25:25I never thought about that.
00:25:26Hey, I'm feeling a little better, doc.
00:25:29That's right.
00:25:30Thanks. it's great talking to you.
00:25:33I could talk like this for another 30 seconds.
00:25:36She was nothing.
00:25:37She was less than nothing.
00:25:39Yeah, right.
00:25:40Tomorrow, you'll find somebody even hotter and you're going to have your fun with her and then, you're going to dump her just for the hell of it!
00:25:48Yeah, dump her!
00:25:51And you're not going to feel bad about it at all because we're guys, and that's what guys do!
00:25:57Distressing news, frasier.
00:25:59Francois gave away our table.
00:26:02Screw him!
00:26:04Excuse me?
00:26:05We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant.
00:26:08There are plenty of restaurants.
00:26:09Let's go somewhere we don't even need a reservation!
00:26:15Thank you, niles.
00:26:16You're welcome.
00:26:18If we hasten perhaps we can catch the first seating at le cigare volant.