Friends - The One With the Cop   View more episodes

Aired at 04:30 PM on Friday, Sep 11, 2015 (9/11/2015)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01So a long time.
00:00:02This is fun.
00:00:03Hey, rach, remember that whole"we were on a break" thing?
00:00:06Well, I'm sorry.will you marry me?
00:00:08(only Ross laughs) (laughter trails off) All:THAT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL.
00:00:15[Captioned byThe Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation] Hey.
00:00:30Both: Hey.
00:00:31What are you guys doing up?
00:00:33Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed.
00:00:37Do you know a six-letter word for red?
00:00:40Dark red.
00:00:43Yeah, I think that's wrong but there's a connect-the-dots in here for you later.
00:00:49Hey, how about maroon?
00:00:51Yes. you are so smart.
00:00:56You guys are so cute.
00:00:58I know.
00:00:59All right, I'll see you in the morning.
00:01:01Okay. okay.
00:01:15I love doing crossword puzzles with you, honey.
00:01:18Ah. me, too.
00:01:19Let's finish this and go to bed.
00:01:22There's only one left.
00:01:32You are so smart.
00:01:36I love you.
00:01:38I love you, too.
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00:04:55We stillneed a tip.
00:04:56All right.
00:04:58Hold on.
00:04:59I got it.
00:05:02How much more do we need?
00:05:04Couple of bucks.
00:05:06Okay, me.
00:05:07You ku should probablykeep talking.
00:05:09This could take a while.
00:05:11Oh, no, wait!okit!
00:05:15Oh, my god.
00:05:16This is a police badge.
00:05:17I bet somebody'smissing that badge.
00:05:18Yeah, I should probablytakeba.
00:05:20Ooh, but you know what?
00:05:21While I'm at the police station d check theirten most wanted li 'cause my friend fritzy's beennumber 11 for, like, ever so this could be her year.
00:05:30Hey, you guys.
00:05:31Hey, joey.
00:05:33Hi. that my sweatshirt?
00:05:38Oh, yes, it is.
00:05:38 I borrowed it I was cold.i-i hope it's okay.
00:05:42You know, if you're going to bewearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it beyour boyfriend's?
00:05:47.. and I'm not him.
00:05:48I'm rry. I'lgive it back to you.
00:05:51No, no.
00:05:52 it's going to be all smelli le monica.
00:05:55Are you saying I smell bad?
00:05:57No. no, you smell like a meadow.
00:06:07What's with him?
00:06:08Oh, you know what?
00:06:09The last time that joey went to a meadow his mother was shot by a hunter.
00:06:29Yeah, I still don't know.
00:06:31I'm sorry, I just want to make sure I bought the right couch.
00:06:34I need a couch that says "kids welcome here" ..
00:06:39" you say that to kids?
00:06:46No, no, no.
00:06:49You know, for the ladies.
00:06:53Ross, honey, it's a nice couch.
00:06:55It's not a magic couch.
00:06:57You picked a great couch.
00:07:00Could you sign here, please?
00:07:03The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch.
00:07:07Wait, no. that's ridiculous.
00:07:08Come on, he lives three blocks away.
00:07:10Yeah, you know what?
00:07:11I'll take it myself, thank you.
00:07:12All right, rach, come on. let's go.
00:07:20(laughing) Are you kidding?
00:07:24No, come on. it's only three blocks.
00:07:26It's not very heavy.
00:07:27Try it. come on.
00:07:28(frustrated grunt) Oh! oh, icando it.
00:07:35You two will really enjoy that couch.
00:07:38Yeah, we're not together.
00:07:40Oh. okay.
00:07:41(laughing): YEAH.
00:07:42Something didn't e add up there.
00:07:51What's that supposed to mean?
00:07:54.. her6..
00:08:04Not that it's any of your business, but wedidgo out.
00:08:09Really? you two? yeah. rach?
00:08:11I lyon't want to be doing this right now.
00:08:14I'm carrying a very heavy couch.
00:08:15Then tell him quickly.
00:08:18Fine. we went out.
00:08:20Not only did we go out .. 298 times.
00:08:31You are such a loser.
00:08:33A loser you did it with 298 times.
00:08:43Oh! oh!
00:08:44Ma'am! excuse me, ma'am?
00:08:46You can't put your cigaret on a tre yeah, I can. it worked real well.
00:08:50No, but you shouldn't.
00:08:52So don't ever do that again.
00:08:55Till I have my next cigarette.
00:08:58Hold it.
00:08:59N.p.d.reeze, punk.
00:09:02Yeah, that's right.
00:09:04You are so busted.
00:09:05(laughing) Uh, book 'em.
00:09:09Who are you talking to?
00:09:10Save it, red!
00:09:12Unless you want to spend the night in the smmer you apologizto the tre I am not going to apologize to a tree.
00:09:19You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup.
00:09:25Backup! backup!
00:09:26I-i'm sorry! sorry!
00:09:28Okay, cancel backup!
00:09:29Cancel backup!
00:09:34Ross, didn't you s thhere was an elevator in here?
00:09:37Uh, yes, I did, but there isn't.
00:09:39Okay, here we go.
00:09:42Okay, go left. left.
00:09:46Ay, you know what?
00:09:48There's no morleft left.
00:09:50Oh, okay.
00:09:50You know, lift it straight u over your head.
00:09:52Straight up over your head.
00:09:54You can do it.
00:09:55You can do it.
00:09:56(grunting) Okay. you got it?
00:09:58Yeah. go. go.
00:09:59Okay, you got it, right? you got it, right?
00:10:02(reams) Any chance you think the couch looks good there?
00:10:12So, this guy was all (mumbles) " it was just so cl.
00:10:19Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back.
00:10:21I kn, but I'm having so much n doing good deeds.
00:10:24Okay, but impersonating a police officer's a serious thing.
00:10:27You could get arrested.
00:10:28Youcould get arrested ight now.
00:10:33L right, yeah, I better take it back.
00:10:35Tolly drunk with power.
00:10:46Hi, joe.
00:10:47I didn't know you guys were goi to be here.
00:10:49Hey, joey?
00:10:49D[a favor, sweetie. taste this.
00:10:52What? why?
00:10:53What is going on with you?
00:10:55You've been acting strange all day.
00:10:57All right.
00:10:58There is something.
00:11:03But I don't want to talk about it.
00:11:04Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:11:06What if martin luther king had said that?
00:11:10.. kind of have a dream.
00:11:14I don't want to talk about it.
00:11:17It involved monica.
00:11:19You had a dream about a girl that I'm seeing?
00:11:20Oh, that is so cool.
00:11:22So many times I dreamt about a girl that hewas seeing.
00:11:25Anyway, we're talking about your dream.
00:11:27I love you. your dream?
00:11:28There wasn't any sex in it or anything.
00:11:30I haven't dreamt about her like that .. ish.
00:11:38What was the dream about?
00:11:40.. okay.
00:11:41You were my girlfriend andwewere doing the crossword puzzle-- you know, like you guys were doing last night.
00:11:47So, that's it.
00:11:48I'm in love with monica, and I'll be moving out.
00:11:50Wait, joey, joey.
00:11:51That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with me.
00:11:54.. it doesn't?
00:11:56Like all of a sudden you're jealous that I've become the apartment stud.
00:12:00Kind of sounds like yourdream, dude.
00:12:02Or it could mean that you saw chandler and me together and we were being close and stuff and-and you just want to have that with someone, too.
00:12:12Well, in the dream, I did enjoy the closeness.
00:12:14Monica: Mm-hmm.
00:12:15Okay, look, wk.
00:12:16Are you attracted to monica?
00:12:17Right here, right now, aryou attracted to her?
00:12:22Not really.
00:12:24Well, there you have it.
00:12:25Well, sure, I'm just wearing sweats.
00:12:31That you'rnot in love with me because you just want a girlfriend.
00:12:34No, I doink it's just about just getting a girlfriend, you know?
00:12:37I mean, yeah, I could get a girlfriend.
00:12:39Yeah, we could sit in the chr and do crossword puzzles but will we ever have the closess like you guys have?
00:12:45Well, you know what?
00:12:45Monica and I were friends before we ted dating so maybe that's it.
00:12:49Friends first?
00:12:51That's intesting.
00:12:53(chuckles) You become friends after?
00:12:55No. never done that either.
00:12:58.. um, do you guys have a tape measure?
00:13:01Oh, yeah, it's actually in my bedrm.
00:13:03(ling) That's right.
00:13:18What's up, joey?
00:13:22How yoin'?
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00:16:02Everything's fine.
00:16:04Of all the things that happen on your wooden surfaces, disinfecting has to beone of them.
00:16:10Clorox Disinfecting Wipes.
00:16:52Excuse me.
00:16:55Is this your car?
00:16:57I don't think it's very nice of you to park here.
00:16:59You're blocking the entrance.
00:17:01Don't worry about it.
00:17:02It's not a problem.
00:17:03Well, it's a problem for me which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop.
00:17:10So am i.
00:17:13Oh, no.
00:17:17Oh, okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere.
00:17:20I know that 'cause I'm a copto sorry. keep up the good work. ten-four.
00:17:25Hey, wait a second.
00:17:26So what precinct are you with?
00:17:27I-I'M WITH THE, UM, THE 57th.
00:17:30Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
00:17:32I'm ice.
00:17:33Yeah, in fact, I'm undercover rigow.
00:17:37I'm a whe.
00:17:37Who else is in vice up the?
00:17:41Um, do you know, umpowitz?
00:17:44Sipowitz? no, I don't think so.
00:17:48Yeahsipowitz, yeah.
00:17:49Big guy, kd of bald.
00:17:50Nah, I don't know him.
00:17:53Don't try to call him ing 'cause he's not there.
00:17:57He's out.
00:17:57.. his partner just died.
00:17:59 well, tell sipowitz I'm real sorry for his loss.
00:18:03I-i sure will.
00:18:05Take care.
00:18:06Hey, by thway I'm sure sipowitz is going to be all right.
00:18:09I heard that kid fromsilver spoons is really good.
00:18:14And where'd you find my badge?
00:18:18(laughing) Hey, joey, would you mind giving me and ross a hand moving his couch?
00:18:30Oh, I'd love to, but I got acng class.
00:18:32But you know what?
00:18:33.. for you.
00:18:40An uh, say, rachel,et me ask you something.
00:18:43Uh, I was just over there talkk monica and chandler and, boy, they are real tight.
00:18:48I know.
00:18:48That's not a bad situation they got going over there.
00:18:52Thng of getting me one of those.
00:18:57What's up, joe?
00:18:58Well, the reason I think monica and chandler are so kat is because they were friends first, you know?
00:19:04So I asked myself, who are my friends?
00:19:07Ywu and phoebe.
00:19:11What are saying?
00:19:14I'm saying, maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
00:19:19.. as flattered as I am ..
00:19:30Well, I'll treat you real nice.
00:19:43become friends wi someone before you date them but the way you do it is, you know, you meet someone become their friend, build a foundation then ask them out on a de.
00:19:55Don't hit on yo existivfriends.
00:19:58Well, won't that tager?
00:20:03Yeah. yeah.
00:20:04Oh, but once you find it, oh, it's so worth the wait.
00:20:10Well, derstand I understand, you know man, I wish I saw phoebe first.
00:20:20Come here to me.
00:20:22No, no. you come here to me.
00:20:26Y, ross.
00:20:28(clearing throat) I brought reinforcements.
00:20:30Oh, great. what, you brought ?
00:20:32Well, I brought the next best thing.
00:20:36Chandler? you brought chandler?
00:20:37The next best thing would be monica.
00:20:39You know, I would be offended ..
00:20:44All right, look, i-i drew a sketch of how we're going to do it, okay?
00:20:47Rach, that's you.
00:20:49That's the couch.
00:20:50Mm-hmm. ooh, what's that?
00:20:53Oh, that's me.
00:20:57You certainly think a lot of yourself.
00:21:02.. that's my arm.
00:21:07Oh, I see.
00:21:08I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
00:21:14.. just follow my lead.
00:21:16Okay. okay.
00:21:18Come on, chandler.
00:21:21All right.
00:21:23Here we go.
00:21:24All right, ready, set, turn.
00:21:31(screaming) I don't think we can turn anymore.
00:21:34Ross, I just don't think it's going to fit.
00:21:37Oh, yeah, it will.
00:21:38Come on, up. up, up, up.
00:21:41Here we go, pivot.
00:21:55Shut up! shut up! shutup.
00:22:01.. I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.
00:22:05You think? you think?
00:22:09Let's bring it back down and try again.
00:22:14(grunting and groaning) Ok, yeah. I think it's really stuck now.
00:22:23I can't believe that didwork.
00:22:26I know. me neither.
00:22:28I mean, you had a sketch.
00:22:30Oh, you know what?
00:22:31What did you mean when y said pivot?
00:23:46Wait, I can freeze my acunt.
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00:24:53So I could get a faulty light switch fixed?
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00:26:20How's it going?
00:26:20Did you make any new friends?
00:26:22Yeah. yeah, I met this woman.
00:26:25Okay, whoa, whoa.
00:26:26What's she like?
00:26:28She's really good in bed.
00:26:31Joey, I thought you were going to try to be friends first.
00:26:35Well, hey, it's all your fault.
00:26:38What? why?
00:26:38Because you didn't give me advice.
00:26:40No, you gave me a pickup line.
00:26:41As soon as I told her I wanted to build a foundation and be friends first I suddenly-- through no fault of my own-- became irresistible to her.
00:26:50And her roommate.
00:26:53What about the closeness?
00:26:56Closeness, schmoseness.
00:26:57There was three of us, for crying out loud.
00:27:04All right, hey, who wants pizza?
00:27:07I do. I do. I do.
00:27:07Oh, this is great.
00:27:08Can you believe I found this on the second floor?
00:27:13(knocking on door) Who is it?
00:27:16Man: N.y.p.d.
00:27:17Oh, my god.
00:27:18.. just a minute, officer!
00:27:30I'm looking for phoebe buf oh, my god, it's him.
00:27:34It's that cop.
00:27:34God, I can't believe it. he found me.
00:27:37My god, phoebe.
00:27:37Are you going to go to jail?
00:27:38Well, if I'm going down, you guys are going down with me.
00:27:44Harboring a fugitive?
00:27:45That's one-to-three years minimum.
00:27:47Good luc chandler.
00:27:52Okay, you can arrest mefine, but you'll never make it stick, and you know it.
00:27:56Yeah, but I kind of don't have a choice.
00:27:58It's my job. I mean, you understand, right?
00:27:59Yeah, as long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and, onc puts you on the stand he's going to make you look like a fool, like afool.
00:28:07Mm-h. I don't like looking foolish.
00:28:10 maybe, uh, I don't arrest you today.
00:28:13Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
00:28:15Loveit if I weren't here.
00:28:17Okay, since, um, you're not going to jail nigh I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with m me?
00:28:26Ever since you flashed my badge at me I kind of can't st thinking about you.
00:28:30You're the prettiest fak undercovre I've ever seen.
00:28:35Nice. nice.
00:28:39Wow, I didn't see that coming.
00:28:41You're asking me out.
00:28:42Yeah, and I could have done it better but these people keep staring at me.
00:28:46.. yeah.
00:28:47I-i'd like to go out with you, officer.
00:28:545/ ah. I got tosk.
00:28:57How did you know where to find me?
00:28:58Your fingerprints were all over my badge so I ran them through thcomputer and this is listed as your last known address so I checked it out.
00:29:05Oh, impressive.
00:29:06Not as impressas you.
00:29:07I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.
00:29:10Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.
00:29:12 so I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?
00:29:16All right. I can't wait.
00:29:17I'm nogoing to jus take you out for doughnuts (laughing) He has a gun.
00:29:32I'd liketo rn this couch.
00:29:34I'm not satisfied with it.
00:29:36[Captioned byThe Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation] You want to return this couch?
00:29:43Did you cut thiscouch in half?
00:29:46This couch is cut in half.
00:29:48I would like to changetfor one that is not cut in half.
00:29:57You're tellingme this couch was deliveredto you like this?
00:30:00Look, I'm a reasonable man.