Friends - The One With Joey's Porsche   View more episodes

Aired at 03:30 PM on Wednesday, Jul 14, 2010 (7/14/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:04(hoarse screech) So that porsche guy took his car back.
00:00:19But you found the keys to his clothes?
00:00:23I just love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a porsche.
00:00:27And people will think you own a porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
00:00:32Of course.
00:00:33Only an idiot would wear this stuff if he didn't have the car.
00:00:38That is true.
00:00:40Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
00:00:44Oh, I've been there.
00:00:47Well, I am going to go drive my porsche.
00:00:51Joey, you know you don't actually have one.
00:00:54Come on. what are you doing?
00:00:56I'm in character.
00:00:57Will you talk to her?
00:00:59Ah, I think it just moved.
00:01:01It's really poking me.
00:01:02All right, that's it.
00:01:03We're going to the emergency room.
00:01:04What? no, you can't leave me here with them.
00:01:07We're baby-sitting.
00:01:08The babies are asleep.
00:01:08I'm sure you'll be okay for a while.
00:01:10But you can't leave me with them.
00:01:12We're a team. we're playing a zone.
00:01:14They're going to triple-team me.
00:01:15He's got something plastic lodged into his throat.
00:01:18We've got to go to the hospital.
00:01:19But, no, because a doctor won't be able to help him.
00:01:22It's just going to, you know naturally pass through his system in, like, seven years.
00:01:27I think that's gum.
00:01:29I'm pretty sure it'sgun.
00:01:31Okay, listen, this really hurts. let's go.
00:01:34But no, a real man wouldn't just run to the hospital.
00:01:38.. what would krog do?
00:01:42Oh, why isn't that valet back with my porsche?
00:01:47Maybe because you've got the keys.
00:01:56That was totally your fault.
00:01:58My fault?
00:01:58You threatened the judge.
00:02:00Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine.
00:02:02That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
00:02:06Hi. how are the gellers?
00:02:12Don't call us that.
00:02:15The judge wouldn't let us get an annulment.
00:02:19Now we got to get a divorce!
00:02:21Did a porsche throw up on you?
00:02:26Hey, that's porsch-ah!
00:02:29Look at me taking care of you with no problem, huh?
00:02:33You guys feel safe, right?
00:02:35Okay, I'm going to take that spit-bubble " okay, let's get rid of this dirty diaper, leslie.
00:02:40I'll set you up with a nice clean one.
00:02:43Okay, I'm sorry.
00:02:44I didn't mean to scare you.
00:02:46I just have to clean that up, okay?
00:02:48'Cause, let's face it, we're at monica's.
00:02:51Okay. I broke it.
00:02:52All right, well, that's just the way things go.
00:02:56Okay. good.
00:02:59Why are there only two of you?
00:03:01Where's leslie?
00:03:02Well, you can't answer.
00:03:03Leslie, where are you, leslie?
00:03:06Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words.
00:03:09(murmurs) Well, look at you.
00:03:15You are a little bit mischievous.
00:03:19My gosh.
00:03:19Oh, you're a lot mischievous.
00:03:22Well, it'll dry.
00:03:23All right, let's go play.
00:03:25You sit with your brother and sister now who aren't there.
00:03:44How do you feel?
00:03:45Well, let's just say that krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in 12 to 14 hours.
00:03:52So, I totally took care of the babies all by myself.
00:03:55I fed them, bathed them and put them to bed.
00:03:57And protected them from a tornado?
00:04:04Oh, my god.
00:04:05I know. the babies are asleep.
00:04:08Phoebe, what happened here?
00:04:10I did it.
00:04:11I took care of the babies all by myself.
00:04:14B-b-but my apartment?
00:04:15Was the setting of phoebe's triumph.
00:04:20Is not as important as the fact that phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
00:04:24You're right.
00:04:25You're right, I shouldn't freak out 'cause this is what it's going to be like when you and I have babies.
00:04:30When will that be?
00:04:35Would you take a look at this mess?
00:04:44Oh, honey, thank god you're home.
00:04:47I was getting worried.
00:04:48I picked up the divorce papers.
00:04:50Uh, I've already signed everything AND I PUT LITTLE X's WHERE YOU NEED TO SIGN.
00:04:57OH, LITTLE X's... GREAT.
00:04:58That makes up for everything.
00:04:59You know, you've done a lot of stupid stuff, too, okay?
00:05:05Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one.
00:05:08Okay, how about you flew to london to stop my wedding.
00:05:11Uh, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married.
00:05:14Hey, wait a minute.
00:05:15That was different.
00:05:16I did those things because I was in love with you.
00:05:19Yeah, right.
00:05:22You're right. that's very different.
00:05:25.. let's just sign the papers.
00:05:35Okay, can we just sign, please?
00:05:52Okay, wait, ross.
00:05:55Kind of have a little confession.
00:06:04Kind of my idea.
00:06:05Excuse me?
00:06:08Uh, well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married?
00:06:14Yeah, I didn't want to say anything but it just kept coming back to me and, um, remember we were in the casino and for some reason you thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes?
00:06:25And, uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married.
00:06:30So, as a compromise, we decided first to get married ..
00:06:36Both: To eat a lot of grapes.
00:06:39So, um, sorry I got us into this whole thing.
00:06:46So, then, I mean, if you think about it this is allyourfault.
00:06:53Yeah, don't push it though.
00:06:57I got to say, I know I divorce a lot of women.
00:07:06Never thought I'd be divorcing you.
00:07:10I know.
00:07:11I always thought if you and I got married that would be the one that stuck.
00:07:16And it wouldn't be a secret.
00:07:18And we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at pizza hut.
00:07:22.. did i... did I even treat?
00:07:27No, it was on the house.
00:07:29It was a newlywed special.
00:07:30That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life.
00:07:35I should probably get these to my lawyer's office.
00:07:40Yeah-- hey, thanks, ross for taking care of all this.
00:07:43Ah, no problem.
00:07:55I'm going to need a copy of those.
00:07:57Totally. yeah.
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00:09:06You're the one wearing a bib.
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00:09:10where is the device?
00:09:12Wait. the release is on my watch.
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00:09:28Back off.
00:10:11For a real bacon lover, what's better than wendy's fresh-cooked applewood smoked bacon?
00:10:14Falling in love over and over and over because now there's three ways to fall.
00:10:20The bacon deluxe, the bacon & blue, and the baconator.
00:10:23♪♪ You know when it's real ♪♪
00:10:27hey! hey!careful around my porsche.
00:10:31Hi, joey.
00:10:33Hey, how you doing?
00:10:35He has the most amazingporsche under there.
00:10:38I'd love to show you,but I just tucked her in.
00:10:41She's sleeping.
00:10:42(giggles) Hey, would you two girlslike to go for a drink?
00:10:45[Captioned byThe Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation] ♪♪ So no one told youlife was gonna be this way ♪♪
00:11:08♪♪ your job's a joke,you're broke ♪♪
00:11:10 ♪♪
00:11:12♪♪ it's like you're alwaysstuck in second gear ♪♪
00:11:17♪♪ when it hasn't been your day ♪♪
00:11:19♪♪ your week, your month,or even your year ♪♪
00:11:22♪♪ but I'll be there for you ♪♪
00:11:26 ♪♪
00:11:57It's a pretty big deal.
00:12:59For a real bacon lover, what's better than wendy's fresh-cooked applewood smoked bacon?
00:13:03Falling in love over and over and over because now there's three ways to fall.
00:13:09The bacon deluxe, the bacon & blue, and the baconator.
00:13:11♪♪ You know when it's real ♪♪
00:13:16Flber 457 from Beijing now arriving.
00:13:23Oh, my god.
00:13:25Oh, my god.
00:13:27.. excuse me.
00:13:28Move, move, move!
00:13:29Emergency, please.
00:13:30Excuse me,excuse me, excuse me.
00:13:33(yelling) Rach!
00:13:40There you are.
00:13:42Hey. hi.
00:13:47How was china?
00:13:50It was, it was great.
00:13:53Oh, what happened?
00:13:55Y-you're bleeding.
00:13:57I am?
00:13:58Oh, look at that.
00:13:59Anyway,enough about me mr. back-from-the-orient.
00:14:01Come on, I wantto hear everything.
00:14:04Well, uh,where do I start?
00:14:07Um, well,this is julie.
00:14:09Uh, julie,this is rachel.
00:14:15.. oh!
00:14:19Aren't for you.
00:14:20Uh, these are for you.
00:14:23Welcome to our country.
00:14:28Thank you.
00:14:29I'm from new york.
00:14:31Oh, okay. sorry.
00:14:32Well, not a problem.
00:14:33I'llt use them to stop the bleeding.
00:14:37Okay. uh, baggage claim?
00:14:40Okay. okay.
00:14:47No way.
00:14:47I'm telling you, she went to the airport and she's going to go for it with ross.
00:14:53Oh, my god.
00:14:54This is huge.
00:14:55This is bigger than huge.
00:14:56.. all right, what's bigger than huge?
00:15:00.. this?
00:15:03Guys, you got new haircuts.
00:15:05Yes, yes, we did, thanks to vidal buffay.
00:15:08'Cause, you know, if you don't look good we don't look good.
00:15:13I love that voice.
00:15:17Whoa. oh.
00:15:17(panting): AIRPORT! AIRPORT!
00:15:20.. not alone!
00:15:23Arm around her!
00:15:25.. cramp! cramp! cramp!
00:15:27Okay, I think she's trying to tell us something.
00:15:32Quick, get the verbs.
00:15:35.. you, you said he liked me.
00:15:39You slowpokes!
00:15:42That's all right, rach.
00:15:43We got the bags.
00:15:45Hi. hello.
00:15:47Julie, this is my sister, monica.
00:15:50This is chandler.
00:15:51Hey. hey.
00:15:52Phoebe, hi.
00:15:53Joey, what up?
00:15:55Okay, everyone, this is julie.
00:16:02Hi! hi!
00:16:03Hi! hey!
00:16:04Hi. I'm not here.
00:16:05I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
00:16:11And bus.
00:16:13The screaming guy?
00:16:14And the spitting?
00:16:15Ross: You got to hear this story.
00:16:17We're on this bus that's easily 200 years old, right?
00:16:20And the chicken poops in her lap.
00:16:29Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:16:30I just gave away the ending, didn't i?
00:16:33Oh, it's just I just heard this story in the cab and it is all I can think about.
00:16:42This is amazing.
00:16:44How did this happen?
00:16:45We were in grad school together.
00:16:47But we haven't seen each other since then.
00:16:50Well, I land in china.
00:16:51Guess who's in charge of the dig?
00:16:55Julie! isn't that great?
00:16:56I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
00:17:04It's an expression.
00:17:06We just wanted to say a quick hi then we're going to go see the baby.
00:17:09And then we've got to get some sleep.
00:17:1100 tomorrow night our time.
00:17:14Okay, well, listen don't tell us what's going to happen though 'cause I like to be surprised.
00:17:33Rach, can I get some coffee?
00:17:35Yeah, sure.
00:17:36Hey, rach.
00:17:37Did you talk to him?
00:17:38No. then no.
00:17:51So, what the hell happened to you in china?
00:17:53I mean, when last we left you .. you know.
00:17:57I know, I know I was but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying, "it's never going to happen.
00:18:03Move on," and you know whose voice that was?
00:18:09It was you, pal.
00:18:11Well, maybe it was god doing me.
00:18:13Look, you were right, okay?
00:18:15She looks at me and sees a friend.
00:18:18That's all.
00:18:19And then I met julie and we're having a great time, and I have to say I never would have gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.
00:18:28Well, you owe me one, big guy.
00:18:31Here's your lemonade.
00:18:33I didn't order lemonade.
00:18:34 well, then you better go take that back 'cause they're going to charge you for that.
00:18:40Go, go, go, go, go.
00:18:41Come on, come on.
00:18:42Okay, so, uh, what did you find out?
00:18:50He said they're having a great time.
00:18:54I'm sorry.
00:18:57But the silver lining if you want to see it is that he made this decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.
00:19:06How is that a silver lining?
00:19:09You have to really want to see it.
00:19:14(crowd cheering) Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.
00:19:20Hey, pheebs.
00:19:21You know what I'm thinking?
00:19:24Oh, okay.
00:19:30It's been so long since you've had sex you're wondering if they've changed it?
00:19:36No, although now that's what I'm thinking.
00:19:41So, what were you thinking?
00:19:42Well, I was thinking that you gave the guys such great haircuts I thought maybe you'd like to do mine.
00:19:48Oh. no.
00:19:50Why not?
00:19:53I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.
00:19:57No, you're not.
00:19:58I know I'm not, but you are and I was trying to spare your feelings.
00:20:03(phone ringing) Joey: Hello?
00:20:05Oh, hi.
00:20:07Yeah, hold on a sec.
00:20:08Ross, julie, for you.
00:20:12Hello? hi.
00:20:14Hey, anybody know a good tailor?
00:20:17You need some clothes altered?
00:20:19No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
00:20:23Why don't you go see frankie?
00:20:25My family's been going to him forever.
00:20:26He did my first suit when I was 15.
00:20:29No, wait. 16.
00:20:31No. excuse me. 15.
00:20:35All right, when was 1990?
00:20:40Okay, you have to stop the q-tip when there's resistance.
00:20:50Okay, okay, sweetheart I'll see you later.
00:20:55Okay, bye. what?
00:20:58Oh, that is so sweet.
00:21:01No, no, okay.
00:21:04No, you hang up.
00:21:05.. okay.
00:21:07Okay. one, two, three.
00:21:12Well, you didn't hang up either.
00:21:14Both: She didn't hang up either.
00:21:20Okay, no.
00:21:22No, you hang up.
00:21:33 I thought you were talking to me.
00:21:39I'll just call her back.
00:21:42Ross: Hi, sweetie.
00:21:44I'm sorry.
00:21:45We got disconnected.
00:21:46Okay, okay, okay, okay, how did this happen to me?
00:21:50A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine.
00:21:52Ross was just ross.
00:21:54Just this guy.
00:21:58Oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
00:22:02Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
00:22:05I know you did.
00:22:08I'm just going to deal with it.
00:22:11(kissing sounds) I got to get out of here.
00:22:19Okay, I don't care what you guys say.
00:22:22Something is bothering her.
00:22:27You know, I think I was 16.
00:22:32Please. just a little bit off the back?
00:22:35Um, I'm still on no.
00:22:38Uh, morning.
00:22:40Hey. hey.
00:22:41Could you close your eyes for a sec?
00:22:43Oh, no, no.
00:22:44I'm not falling for that again.
00:22:48What's going on?
00:22:49Well, I sort of did a stupid thing last night.
00:22:51What stupid thing did you do?
00:22:53Bongiorno, tutti!
00:24:34[Music playing] Alright you guys, it's now time for the results of the Homecoming Queen election.
00:24:42Your homecoming queen is...
00:24:46Becca Winegar!
00:24:50[Cheering and applause] ♪ What makes you different, makes you beautiful...♪
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00:25:34Paolo, go get dressed and you be on your way.
00:25:38Okay. bye-bye.
00:25:40Rachel, how did this happen?
00:25:41I just kind of ran into him last night.
00:25:45At his apartment.
00:25:46Is this juice?
00:25:48Whoa, whoa.
00:25:48And the fact that you dumped him 'cause he hit on phoebe?
00:25:51Oh, god, I know I'm pathetic.
00:25:54I'm a loser.
00:25:55Honey, you're not pathetic.
00:25:56.. you're sad.
00:25:57Yeah, people do stupid things when they're upset.
00:26:00My god, if I had a nickel for every guy ..
00:26:06But this is about yourhorrible mistake.
00:26:12Hey. hey.
00:26:14Sorry we're late.
00:26:17Well, there was touching.
00:26:25Hey, ross!
00:26:29What, uh, what are you doing here?
00:26:32I do racquela.
00:26:40So, uh, he's back.
00:26:41Yeah, he's back.
00:26:43Is that a problem?
00:26:44No. not a problem.
00:26:46Good. glad it's not a problem.
00:26:48Okay, you're going to have to not touch my ass.
00:26:56Despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension I've got pants that need to be altered.
00:27:01Hey, chandler, when you see frankie tell him joey tribbiani says hello.
00:27:04He'll know what it means.
00:27:07You sure he's going to be able to crack that code?
00:27:12The last time paolo was here my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
00:27:17All right.
00:27:17Okay, but,but you have to promise that you will not be all control-y and bossy and all, you know, monica about it.
00:27:27I promise.
00:27:28All right, let's see.
00:27:29Now, some of you are going to get cut and some of you aren't but I promise, none of you will feel a thing.
00:27:49All right, that's it.
00:27:50I quit.
00:27:51What? I didn't say anything.
00:27:53Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person, okay?
00:27:57This is the face of a person who, you know, doesn'ttrust a person.
00:28:02I'm sorry. sorry, phoebe.
00:28:04It's just, well, it's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
00:28:09Would you relax?
00:28:10I know what I am doing.
00:28:12This is how he wears it.
00:28:16How who wears it?
00:28:18Demi moore.
00:28:19Demi moore is not a he.
00:28:22Well, he was a he inarthurand inten.
00:28:28I said I wanted it likedemimoore.
00:28:32Oh. oh!
00:28:33Oh, my god!
00:28:35Oh, my god!
00:28:36Oh, my god.
00:28:37I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
00:28:40Which one is demi moore?
00:28:41She's the actress that was indisclosure indecent proposal, ghost.
00:28:46Oh. oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
00:28:49Oh, god!