George Lopez: America's Mexican   View more episodes

Aired at 02:30 AM on Sunday, Jan 31, 2010 (1/31/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:34orale hbo!
00:00:38Orale -- let me say this about immigration so you finally hear it from a lecharles bentley -- latino.
00:00:49We ain't going nowhere, baby!
00:01:26If the immigration law passed, 2 million mexicans would have to go back to mexico.
00:01:39That's 17 quincera.
00:01:44That ain't shit.
00:01:47That's seven qinceneras's and two weddings.
00:01:57They tell me I got to go back to mexico.
00:02:02I'll be right back, though, watch my plate.
00:02:15Go like that so flies don't get on it.
00:02:19Let me ask you many.
00:02:21Who do you think is running this country?
00:02:36[Spanish music] yeah!
00:02:45That's who.
00:02:54I'm so scared right now.
00:02:56I I wanted to try to find a guy -- but now I'm afraid to ask.
00:03:03The guy next to me looks like he does dry wall, but I'm assuming right now they are all gang related, let's go.
00:03:14You know what, white people don't even want to talk to each other anymore.
00:03:19They send text messages, oh, my got o.m.g.
00:03:25Oh, my god, o.m.g.
00:03:27I came to the show to maybe l.o.l.
00:03:35Maybe l.m.a.l.
00:03:40Laugh my ass off.
00:03:43And a kind of bond and maybe we would be f.f.
00:03:53Best friends forever.
00:03:55I want to add one to the list.
00:03:59You know what that means?
00:04:00Fuck that puto.
00:04:03Fuck that put oh!
00:04:06What -- want to see how it works?
00:04:12President bush, fuck that put oh!
00:04:15Fuck that puto.
00:04:21Now I'm leaving.
00:04:22Come on, camera, let's go.
00:04:26President bush has got latinos in his family.
00:04:29What the fuck, they got to go back to where they came from too?
00:04:36They don't know what to do about immigration.
00:04:39President bush is like, try a wall.
00:04:42Now they want to dig a dism and put alligators in the ditch.
00:04:47You know what, motherfucker, put alligators.
00:04:50In an hour, it will be shoes and belts.
00:04:53Go for it.
00:04:57They'll be sufe fire -- souvenirs in an hour and a half.
00:05:03[Speaking in spanish] give me $40.
00:05:15Ok, give me five.
00:05:22Latinos are some bad ass business people, aren't they?
00:05:26They'll sell you a blanket that's still warm.
00:05:32Governor schwarzenegger, fuck that puto.
00:05:38Fuck that puto.
00:05:43I got it now.
00:05:48Governor schwarzenegger is for english only, ok?
00:05:52That's good, but you know the problem there is, motherfucker, you don't speak english.
00:06:11[Unintelligible] arnold schwarzenegger being in favor of english only would be like lesbians against pussy.
00:06:36Marching around with signs, not twat!
00:06:44Not twat.
00:06:49I've had uncles that were just blistered -- I could understand them better.
00:06:58Oh, he wants a beer.
00:07:05And arnold schwarzenegger broke his leg skiing, nice.
00:07:09Let me tell you what my grandmother used to tell me.
00:07:15Fucking, go faster.
00:07:16Go faster.
00:07:19I'm going down the hill -- let me tell you this -- [cheers] let me tell you this.
00:07:43He broke his leg skiing, that's not going to happen to latinos.
00:07:49We'll never break our leg skiing.
00:07:53If we go down the hill it's usually because san diego is right there.
00:08:03We don't go for the extreme sports.
00:08:07Talking a walk in our neighborhood is a fucking extreme sport.
00:08:10Come on, dude, let's go snowboarding, we'll do a shall pike.
00:08:20I'm going to be in the car, I'm GOING TOxnXHHXzX l(T0<8$XHtJ 2 PIPE TOO.
00:12:18You can vote english as an official language but it will never work because we're always going to speak spanglish.
00:12:30That's all we've talked in our house for years.
00:12:34I went to the store to buy a -- [speaking in spanish] the shoes -- sold out.
00:12:48And I've been hiding them too.
00:12:52You remember hiding shit you couldn't afford to buy that day?
00:12:58Take this shit over here, man.
00:13:02I'll make a mark on it.
00:13:05Then you come back saturday when you got money.
00:13:08Watch out, hey.
00:13:19We'll always speak english and spanish.
00:13:22My friend used to yell at me in spanish and I would yell back at -- in english.
00:13:30-- I am!
00:13:39[Speaking in spanish] hdl -- hdlg.
00:13:55He goes for enchiladas.
00:14:02I was in a hotel and I was afraid to stay in the presidential suite.
00:14:08So they knock on the door, the lady -- I open the door, he's already cleaned the room.
00:14:28Gloria, never mind, he's already cleaned the room.
00:14:34A skinny erecognize -- eric estrada.
00:14:37Be nice to everybody.
00:14:39When its 1 I saw eric estrada in the neighborhood, they were filming the show.
00:14:46I went to shake his hand, he didn't shake my hand.
00:14:52So be careful.
00:14:5317 Years later, that kid might have an hbo special and say this -- eric estrada, fuck that puto.
00:15:0230 Years, motherfucker, here's your wake-up call.
00:15:06Fuck you!
00:15:07I made it without your fucking handshake, puto, fuck you!
00:15:13What's he going to do to me?
00:15:15I don't want to buy swampland.
00:15:23[Speaking in spanish] rm aed in puto, that ought to be his name.
00:15:35Let me say this, the country is not what you thought it was.
00:15:38Everything that you touch first, latinos touch.
00:15:42We're there every day early.
00:15:43Everything you touch.
00:15:46Let me give you some examples.
00:15:50Taco bell had some tainted green onions.
00:15:53 coli from them.
00:15:58 coli, the whole world fucking stops.
00:16:04Who picks the onions?
00:16:07You talk shit about it -- us, it gets down to the fields.
00:16:14I didn't hear you, what did they say about us?
00:16:17They don't want us here, we're lazy and we're depleting the system?
00:16:25Oh, yeah?
00:16:27Get an onion -- there, take that shit to taco bell.
00:16:36Take this.
00:16:38There's your chalupa right there.
00:16:45Here, let me put some hair.
00:16:48Think outside the bun.
00:16:58I don't fucking eat there, what do I care.
00:17:01But if somebody gets e. coli.
00:17:06 coli, I couldn't go to pilates because I have the squirts.
00:17:14I'm hot, I'm depleted since i had e. coli.
00:17:22 coli, it's charo, the shits.
00:17:29And they don't want to stop.
00:17:33Now it's just water and corn.
00:17:52[Inaudible] first it started with bad spinach.
00:17:56That was us too.
00:18:02You're going to pay us $3 an hour, we're not going to wash it too.
00:18:08And if you wash -- we wash it, you're not going to like the water.
00:18:21Old school, remember that?
00:18:23Old school.
00:18:24The white dudesing -- no, i DON'T ACTUALLY.XwXaHPhHXzXz Incredibly unsantary.
00:22:39You could build up -- everything you touch, we touch first.
00:22:43That's why we're here.
00:22:47Chevy couldn't be more confused.
00:22:50Their slogan right now is "this " uh I don't think it's your country anymore.
00:22:59You want to know who's country it is, guess.
00:23:06[Spanish music] >> not no more!
00:23:16And mariachi's music is the heart and blood of the mexican people.
00:23:24When I was little it sounded like housecleaning music.
00:23:28Every time I heard that shit i got to go vacuum, son of a bitch.
00:23:35But once you're drunk -- people don't have that shit, what do they have.
00:23:50♪♪ You spin me right now baby right now round round baby right round ♪♪
00:24:01♪♪ latinos think anything done correctly is gay.
00:24:13And not gay but mos puto, which is really gay.
00:24:23If you're a gay and you're walking a dog by yourself on a leash?
00:24:30Mos put oh!
00:24:36Come on, biscuit.
00:24:40And if you're carrying some plastic bags to pick up your dog's shit, mas put oh!
00:24:50What do you think the dogs think?
00:24:53Motherfucker, I didn't know you wanted it.
00:24:55There's shit at the house.
00:24:57There's some shit under the bed you haven't found.
00:25:01If you're collecting it, I'll help you out.
00:25:06You could not look gayer.
00:25:08I don't know if starbucks did it by design, if you -- but if you walk with a starbucks tre, no one can look cool.
00:25:17It's little and you got to hold it up here.
00:25:20You're walking -- mo -- mas put oh!
00:25:25You might be walking around with a dick in your mouth.
00:25:33And if you got a blue tooth on while you're doing it, get another dick and put nit your ass.
00:25:50There's a guy -- it will be flashing, I'm a puto, I'm a puto.
00:26:02♪♪ You send me right round baby right round ♪♪♪♪
00:26:10we're not built that way.
00:26:12We're different people.
00:26:14Negativity drives the culture.
00:26:17Latinos are driven by negativity.
00:26:20How many times you want to go to a party, the next morning you find out three people got shot!
00:26:28I should have gone.
00:26:31I had a feeling somebody was going to get killed but i didn't believe it!
00:26:37And now it's all about self-esteem.
00:26:41If you have kids you have to sign paperwork.
00:26:44If they play organizationed ---oed sports, you only yell out encouraging things.
00:26:54You promote self-esteem -- mas puta.
00:26:59That's ok, kids, don't worry.
00:27:02You're still getting the trophy, you're fantastic.
00:27:05We are all your support system.
00:27:09And cheat.
00:27:10What did our parents yell when they came to see us?
00:27:16Hey, open your fucking eyes!
00:27:19Get it!
00:27:21Get it!
00:27:23She don't know how to catch.
00:27:35Hold that person, I'm going to go get him.
00:27:38Oh, now you run fast?
00:27:52[Cheers] we're live on hbo!
00:27:57Do I look scared?
00:28:04Kids today cannot last like we did.
00:28:07The kids today wouldn't last one mother fucking day of our childhood.
00:28:17I'm bored.
00:28:27Spend the whole day recovering.
00:28:36What is that?
00:28:37-- Allowance.
00:28:38What is that?
00:28:40I could have never gone to my grandmother -- grandma?
00:28:52Can I have my allowance?
00:28:56You want your allowance?
00:28:59I allow you to live.
00:29:03I allow you to live.
00:29:05You get the hell out of here before I kill you.
00:29:13You know what?
00:29:14These kids wouldn't last.
00:29:16I used to kill flies for entertainment.
00:29:20Chasing them with a rolled-up newspaper.
00:29:23I'm going to kill you when i get you.
00:29:26And you'd get them and torture them.
00:29:33They wouldn't last one day.
00:29:37My grandmother wouldn't even give me a whole popsicle, that's how fucking tight she was.
00:29:45Hey, come on -- over here.
00:29:51Could never do nothing in this house!
00:29:56You want a -- you don't buy one.
00:30:02Go to the freezer, get a fork and scrape is ice.
00:30:07And take this.
00:30:10Why are you crying now?
00:30:16They used to take you to the store but never buy you shit, how did that work?
00:30:22Why am I here?
00:30:24And they would yell at you when you got out of the car.
00:30:29And don't you ask me for shit, I ain't buying you a god damn thing.
00:30:38I'm greedy and he wants a -- I'm bleeding and he wants a toy.
00:30:45I came to buy kotex and he WANTS Aí=7'I5vqXwXaHH I'm bleeding.
00:33:43I'm grateful.
00:33:44They wouldn't last one day.
00:33:47First of all, my daughter's 10.
00:33:50She gets bedtime stories every night.
00:33:54Now I'm going to read harry potter.
00:33:57It's getting so good.
00:33:59We're going to see what happens to hernanny.
00:34:02My grandmother, no bedtime story, just -- I'm not going to tell you again.
00:34:08Go to sleep.
00:34:11I will put you to sleep.
00:34:14Go to sleep.
00:34:15You think I'm playing?
00:34:20I'm going to get the good night juice.
00:34:26You know the benadryl?
00:34:29I'm tired of your shit.
00:34:31I'll drink one with you.
00:34:3411'S a record.
00:34:36Eight, nine.
00:34:49You know what bedtime story we got?
00:34:52The same one every time.
00:34:53You want a bedtime story?
00:34:55I'm going to tell you.
00:34:57Once upon a land, whatever they say, far away tale -- once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a lady who drowned her kid.
00:35:21[Applause] want me to get her?
00:35:28I'll go get her.
00:35:31You can go to bed.
00:35:32She's carpooling with a cocoye.
00:35:46Want me to show you a picture of britney spears getting out of the car?
00:35:58I didn't think you could make panacho look bad, but I was wrong.
00:36:08Oh, that looked like roast beef thrown on the wall.
00:36:19I should sue her because because of that picture, i can't go to quizno's.
00:36:30It's toasted.
00:36:46Latinos shave their head every day, it doesn't make the news.
00:36:51One crazy assed white bitch does it, it's all over the place.
00:36:56You know what, maybe she had lies.
00:36:59Because I know in our house, you couldn't scratch your head, the next thing you were -- and you're sleeping on my blanket, the good one.
00:37:10I feel blood!
00:37:19White people get in some crazy shit.
00:37:22Anna nicole smith has two dudes going to court claiming to be the father.
00:37:27That shit is crazy to latinos.
00:37:32I'm the father!
00:37:33No, I'm the father.
00:37:35That shit will never happen to us.
00:37:38Hey, that's my kid.
00:37:41What am I saying?
00:37:47Different shit, and we're raised with fear so we can be around any environment and not freak out.
00:37:54You know what I mean?
00:37:55When we're kids, we get on rides when we're 3 that you have to be 1 to get on.
00:38:02They send you into a bar to get your dad.
00:38:14They want us to go home -- shut your mouth, stupid!
00:38:22I couldn't swim and my grandfather didn't give a shit.
00:38:27How come you're not swimming?
00:38:30I don't know how.
00:38:31I didn't hear you, what?
00:38:33You don't know how?
00:38:36Leave him, leave him!
00:38:39So that way you learn.
00:38:42Drink the whole pool, but you're going to learn how to -- and the kids today, you try to explain to them what it was like when we were kids, you might well be talking about the mother fucking inkases, they don't give a shit.
00:39:00You don't understand, we were poor.
00:39:05Didn't you guys work?
00:39:07The kids today wouldn't last one day.
00:39:10They can't even put a d.v.d.
00:39:12Back in the fucking case.
00:39:14Learn that shit rst.
00:39:24Shaggy dog.
00:39:25I almost got killed by that "shaggy dog" d.v.d.
00:39:31And we don't have the shit they had.
00:39:39Mom, can I have a gogurt?
00:39:49A juice box.
00:39:51We fucking drank from the mangera, the water hole.
00:39:56And on a hot day, the first hour and a half was hot water.
00:40:04That's hot!
00:40:05Drinking water from the hose and it would taste like the hose.
00:40:11Turn it off!
00:40:29I have a pool in my house they live in.
00:40:33But you know what, I don't need it, I never go in it.
00:40:36I needed a pool when I was 7, not 45.
00:40:40What am I going to do, float it -- in it like a -- when I was little we didn't have pools.
00:40:50We shot water in the air and ran under it.
00:41:00Jerry's kid, get your ass in here!
00:41:04Get in here, water world.
00:41:09You know where I would swim?
00:41:10In the backyard, in all of our back yards, the cement was always une and the water would collect and that's where YOU'D LAY.kS# [Coughing] we didn't have water wings and air pillows and air vest hats.
00:44:58We didn't have any off that shit and we still survived.
00:45:03You know what our lunchable was?
00:45:06Two weanies on a fork.
00:45:12Over the stove.
00:45:18With two corn tortillas.
00:45:23That was our lunchable.
00:45:25Then you would take the fork and run it to the sink, put it in.
00:45:44That was ours and that was a black fork.
00:45:46You couldn't use any other fork.
00:45:49I'm not going to tell you again, don't be blacking the fork.
00:45:55Simple, why can't you get it.
00:45:58Don't black the fork.
00:46:00I don't eat too.
00:46:01Do me a favor, respect my house and don't black my fork!
00:46:11Fucking shit!
00:46:13That was my grandmother's favorite word, fucking shit.
00:46:19She would be calm, the key wouldn't fit in the lock -- fucking shit!
00:46:24And now me and my grandmother fight because she has dementia.
00:46:32I take her to the doctor, you know they have amber alerts?
00:46:40She thinks it's the same girl.
00:46:43We see on the freeway -- amber got in another car.
00:46:49That's not the same girl.
00:46:52That's amber!
00:46:53It's a different -- they just named it after -- you don't know a fucking -- you don't have any eyesight, you don't see what I see.
00:47:06Amber alert, the girl's amber.
00:47:12And my grandmother, like a lot of latinos are you know, racist towards different cultures, black people, you know.
00:47:21Some people clap, other people -- I'm not going to laugh yet.
00:47:28I'll withhold judgment till i hear.
00:47:34My grandmother had a girlfriend that was 13, she was black, she was beautiful.
00:47:39I loved her.
00:47:42She looked like -- they stargazed, they went up to the sky.
00:47:52I didn't know what to do with them, I just wanted them.
00:47:57I was walking home with her, my grandmother sees me and all she has to do is honk.
00:48:10Get your ass home.
00:48:15Hey, herb.
00:48:18Get your ass home.
00:48:22You know the fucked up part?
00:48:24I was darker than her.
00:48:32So now my grandmother has dementia.
00:48:36They don't know where they are, right?
00:48:38She's on oxygen but it's not connected to anything.
00:48:43She just wears the hose.
00:49:02I won't put her in a nursing home because that's not what we do.
00:49:07That's not what our culture does.
00:49:11Our culture does not allow for us to put our relatives in nursing homes or convalescent homes.
00:49:19That's not what we do.
00:49:20We keep them in the house with us.
00:49:23They're in the back of the house, but they're in the house.
00:49:30They're in the room in the back.
00:49:33The one that's always like 40 degrees colder than any other -- and I told my grandmother in 1988 what -- when my grandfather died, I said I'll pay all your bills, you will never have to worry about another bill because I'm the man of the house now.
00:49:51I'm the man, I'll pay the bills.
00:49:54That was in 1988.
00:49:55If I had known that the bitch was going to live this long -- you won't die.
00:50:03Why should I die, I got it nice?
00:50:11She knows I'm on tv but she thinks I'm raymond from " raymond, get over here.
00:50:21Where's boogie night.
00:50:24And now that she's old, she needs round-the-clock nurses.
00:50:29Since she had problems with black people when she was younger, I decided to teach her a lesson before she leaves earth.
00:50:37So all her nurses are black.
00:50:39There's 12, and every one is blacker than the other.
00:50:45The last two are almost purple, that's how black they are.
00:50:50So that way you learn!
00:50:53So that way you learn.
00:50:56She'll call me up, she don't know their names.
00:51:01I say what's the matter now?
00:51:06Diana ross -- who?
00:51:10Diana rots [speaking in spanish] >> I don't need that girl to clean my ass!
00:51:21Five minutes later, what now.
00:51:26Chacka kaun stole my hat.
00:51:35Chaka kaun stole my sweater.
00:51:41Chaka khan.
00:51:44SON OFof bed in thee morning because my back hurt so bad.
00:51:48The Sleep Number bed conforms to you.
00:51:50I wake up in the morning with no back pain.
00:51:52I can adjust it if I need to...
00:51:54if my back's a little more sore.
00:51:55And by the time I get up in the morning, I feel great!
00:51:57If you have back pain, toss and turn at night or wake up tired with no energy, the Sleep Number bed could be your solution.
00:52:05The Sleep Number bed's secret is it's air chambers which provide ideal support and put you in control of the firmness.
00:52:12And the bed is perfect for couples because each side adjusts independently to their unique Sleep Number.
00:52:19Here's what clinical research has found: - 93% of participants experienced back-pain relief.
00:52:25- 90% reported reduced aches and pains.
00:52:28- 87% fell asleep faster and enjoyed more deep sleep.
00:52:33For study summaries, call this number now.
00:52:36We'll include a Free DVD and brochure about the Sleep Number bed including prices, and models plus a FREE $50 savings Card.
00:52:45And how about this?
00:52:46Steel springs can cause uncomfortable pressure points.
00:52:49But the Sleep Number bed contours to your body.
00:52:51Imagine how good you'll feel when your muscles relax and you fall into a deep sleep!
00:52:57I'm not just a back surgeon, I'm also a back patient.
00:53:01I sleep on the Sleep Number bed myself and I highly recommend it to all of my patients.
00:53:07Need another reason to call?
00:53:08The Sleep Number bed costs about the same as an innerspring but lasts twice as long.
00:53:13So if you want to sleep better or find relief for your bad back, call now.
00:53:19Call the number on your screen for your free information kit with DVD, brochure and price list.
00:53:26Call right now and you'll also receive a $50 savings card just for inquiring about the Sleep Number bed.
00:53:34Ask about our Risk-Free 30-night in-home trial.
00:53:38Call now for your FREE information kit and a FREE $50 savings card.
00:53:43Call now!
00:54:49(ó(ó8W-2XwúóHXw SOSON OF A BITCH!
00:55:11Let me tell you this.
00:55:13People don't want us here -- it's the same thing to not want latinos in the united states.
00:55:22We do all the jobs that no one in america wants to do.
00:55:27Who do you think is rebuilding new orleans?
00:55:32[Mariachi music] you know who?
00:55:46Fema, that's who.
00:55:50Buying every mexican available.
00:56:00That's right.
00:56:02Like it or not.
00:56:0430 in the morning, we're working.
00:56:07We're not at starbucks playing fucking sudoku.
00:56:14I love to play sudoku.
00:56:17Oh, my god, it's so good.
00:56:20I am transfixed on sudoku.
00:56:26Don't talk to me, I'm doing sudoku.
00:56:31I guess that's like novella to latino people.
00:56:35I'm 45 years old, I'll will -- it be be 46 in april and I am old school.
00:56:42Old school!
00:56:44The older I get the more i yearn -- watch how I use big words -- I yearn.
00:56:54Like latinos, we can't go anywhere and not drink, I'm sorry.
00:57:00We must drink.
00:57:02We must.
00:57:04And not social either.
00:57:05We don't social drink.
00:57:08Would you like another chardonnay?
00:57:13Oh, god, I better not.
00:57:15Want to see us at our limit?
00:57:17Get it out, grandma, get it out.
00:57:22You're only 87 once.
00:57:26Watch out.
00:57:30Let's take a picture.
00:57:34That's my grandma, she's not going to remember.
00:57:41Whenever latinos talk, we always have some sound effects with it.
00:57:45Last night I went to this place -- [whistling] you know we're in trouble when you say words [speaking in spanish] and unbeknownst to me -- hey, unbeknownst.
00:58:06My lady was watching -- [speaking in spanish] I told her, that wasn't me.
00:58:19I tried and talk to her after she was inconsolable.
00:58:26We drink and always end up with a hangover but yet still go to church.
00:58:34That's how good catholics we are.
00:58:38Did you ever go to church with a stamp.
00:58:43You use holy water to try to get it off.
00:59:02Even when you go take co-mune onyou can't walk in a straight line.
00:59:25And that priest will smell your breath.
00:59:40You know the perfect religion for latinos?
00:59:44Because you can worship hungover.
01:00:16I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M ALL RIGHT. fffffffff&f"&"""""""DTQIáI%I$I b8 @xx@ Hey Singles. Grab your phone, call Lavalife Voice and join theparty!
01:02:14Record a greeting.
01:02:16Listen to profiles.
01:02:16And exchange messages with hundreds of exciting local singles - all by phone.
01:02:22It's safe, sexy,completely confidential and its always free to call. So grab your phone.
01:02:28Call Lavalife Voice and getconnected with hundreds of fun and exciting singles...
01:02:34Call Now!
01:03:26xnVHXzpó And in the old days, I loved that women had -- pello.
01:03:45♪♪ Pello -- pelo ♪♪♪♪
01:03:58that shit looked like it was smuggling a commodore.
01:04:02And the more hair they had the sexier it was.
01:04:05I'd come out the back.
01:04:11And when it was hot, the hair would stick to their legs.
01:04:22Can't wait!
01:04:23And she had hair and you had hair and together that hair -- and that hair was course and -- source and she was tight.
01:04:36It hurt.
01:04:38And the whole room would smell like carne s -- asada.
01:04:50Save me a plate.
01:04:58It doesn't look like it looks now now it looks like a dead bird.
01:05:05There's nothing down -- back in the day, the only time they shaved you was when you had your appendix out.
01:05:14And you had to work to find it because it was so -- that's why they called it -- because they might grab it.
01:05:26I'm sorry, let -- shit, my arm, my arm!
01:05:31You'd be working and try to find it.
01:05:34Oh, shit, what did I do?
01:05:36I wasn't paying attention, which finger?
01:05:40Better, better or worse?
01:05:45That means si or no.
01:05:47Yes, no, maybe.
01:05:51That one rht there in ay, ay.
01:06:03And you'd get in it, man.
01:06:06You'd be down in there -- [barking] and the hair was little but when you stretched it it was like that long.
01:06:39And latinos could eat pussy, let me tell you that.
01:06:44We were down at home.
01:06:46We ate all day.
01:06:49With a corn tortilla in one hand -- juice.
01:07:01That's how we did it.
01:07:08And they even had hair around the nipple.
01:07:11Like curb feelers.
01:07:13Oh, shit.
01:07:16It was different back then.
01:07:18Back then, latinos weren't trying to be white like they are now.
01:07:27I know you died your hair.
01:07:29Don't make me turn the lights on.
01:07:33Leave your hair the natural color.
01:07:41[Cheers] leave it -- no one will ever convince you for being blonde, please.
01:07:50You got blonde hair and black fucking arm hair, that's shit.
01:07:55As soon as you talk you'll give yourself away.
01:07:58What are you looking at, bitch?
01:08:00Wait a minute.
01:08:01You're not one of us.
01:08:04What's your name, sacora?
01:08:07Oh, no.
01:08:09Come here.
01:08:10You're going to the office.
01:08:13Desiree can you take socorro?
01:08:18And save your eyebrows.
01:08:20Quit plucking them.
01:08:21That shit does not look good!
01:08:25Half the girls are clapping.
01:08:27The other half -- I'm going to put a blue tooth on.
01:08:36You can look like your aunt that's all bitter with the two lines.
01:08:40You look like you're going downhill on a bike fast.
01:08:51That shit does not look good.
01:08:55Just was a sharpie now.
01:08:59Put that sharpie and you don't turn your, you just turn your head.
01:09:06You put that sharpie in soap and turn slowly down.
01:09:11If you want them arched, just dip and down.
01:09:15Perfect every time.
01:09:19I was home one day and I didn't want to -- no one to know so i put the lines -- and I looked that way -- I looked surprised, people would be scared, what?
01:09:36And I went to a funeral and i didn't know the man and I put it -- looked like I was in MOURNING.XwXaH What a loss.
01:13:47I have a garges I can't say her name because I'll get pseudo.
01:13:55You know who it is.
01:13:56She tries to be young, that train passed.
01:13:59She's 2 years old with a belly rig.
01:14:02That shit looks like a place to put air.
01:14:06I could just sneak up with the air hose.
01:14:09And she wears a halter top in the summer -- they look like two towels hanging on a rack.
01:14:27And she has four kids.
01:14:29Let me tell you this.
01:14:31I couldn't believe somebody fucked her once.
01:14:39She's not on hbo, fuck her.
01:14:47Fuck that bitch.
01:14:48She should have been nicer to me.
01:14:52Can't with young.
01:14:53The time has passed.
01:14:55Just enjoy your time and just li in the time.
01:14:58Don't try to be young, be yourself!
01:15:03She wears a thong, it's not even in the crack, it's on the side.
01:15:12Put it in the middle.
01:15:15No, I don't want to get it dirty.
01:15:20I pit it in the middle but -- latinos are different people.
01:15:31We're not going to drive hybrid, let me tell you that right now.
01:15:36That's not our style.
01:15:37We don't give a fuck about global warming, the environment, we don't give a shit!
01:15:43We don't care if gas costs $8 a gallon.
01:15:49We're going to put in $11, whatever price it is.
01:15:54And we can't drive a car that don't make noise.
01:15:57I get 65 miles to a gallon.
01:16:00>> Yeah, but you look like a puto doing it.
01:16:03That's not fair.
01:16:06We want to conserve gas, we drive slower.
01:16:11We need cars that -- some people have a car that didn't turn off after you turned it off?
01:16:21Look at the white people.
01:16:24I don't know, we always had it.
01:16:27The lo tennis, you turn it off, that -- latinos, you turn it off, that car would be alive.
01:16:35 still be jumping.
01:16:39-- It would still be jumping.
01:16:41It will turn off.
01:16:42It will turn off.
01:16:43When a car don't start in a latino neighborhood, that's when the fun starts.
01:16:50Everybody's an expert.
01:16:52Put gas in the hole, in the hole!
01:16:54Put it in the hole!
01:16:56Have you consulted the owner's manual?
01:17:01I'm the owner.
01:17:04And that manual -- and that's manual.
01:17:16[Applause] manuel, put it in the hole !
01:17:24I live in a neighborhood that's very white, and I live in the middle of the street with a half-built fence so they know that a mexican lives there.
01:17:36And I don't even use the gate.
01:17:38I jump the fence when I get home.
01:17:44Because that's where the country is going.
01:17:4839 Million latino people in the united states.
01:17:54[Applause] and now there's a voice.
01:18:0339 Million.
01:18:05I don't know how they count us because when you knock on our door, we hide.
01:18:09Don't knock on our door.
01:18:11We're not going to answer.
01:18:16But you honk, we all run out.
01:18:23I thought that was my ride.
01:18:31We do the best work.
01:18:35Cheaper, better, faster.
01:18:37You understand?
01:18:39Cheaper, better, faster.
01:18:47You permit me, so I'm doing it.
01:18:52I have to get a circuit breaker put in my house so I handled a guy with a legitimate license and a blue too.
01:19:03Can I a that -- call you back, I'm talking to -- we'll have to wait for the inspect oirp to come up with a box, make sure the wire is the proper gauge and the equipment is flame retard and.
01:19:22Don't give me a retarded one.
01:19:24I want a real one.
01:19:25So I passed on that dude.
01:19:27I hired a mexican dude that showed up with his wife and kids all in the front seat, nobody in the backseat.
01:19:34And when he pulled up, you know what music was playing?
01:19:41[Mariachi music] so he walks up.
01:19:56Do you speak english?
01:19:59Do you speak english?
01:20:02Ok, me too.
01:20:10Somebody taught him that, told him it was dumb to say.
01:20:17You want a circuit breaker?
01:20:22Ok -- what your mother?
01:20:30Anyway, ok.
01:20:31I want to put a circuit breaker.
01:20:33No, you can do.
01:20:35You can do.
01:20:36You can do.
01:20:36You want to put nit front?
01:20:40In front?
01:20:50Oh, in the front, yes.
01:20:52How much is it?
01:20:53Give me a case and a and a half.
01:20:57I'll be done like that.
01:20:59How much is it going to cost?
01:21:03It's not going to cost you nothing because I don't care.
01:21:06I'm not connected to your neighbor's house.
01:21:14[SPEAKING IN SúóóóóóóóóóóóóxnVHXSH] You want to take about illegal aliens, I think we should look at the asian people.
01:25:17I went to see cirque du soleil in las vegas, they get in a little ass box.
01:25:26I think we start there first.
01:25:28You go to mcdonald's, order a happy mill and 11 cheenos are going to pop up.
01:25:38They got all my toys and ran away!
01:25:41They say a lot of the immigrants early on were air -- asian did you -- but I don't believe it.
01:25:48I think they were just latinos with the sun in their eyes.
01:25:59We don't need blueprints are schemematics or designs.
01:26:04We do shit by heart, we do shit by ear.
01:26:08We don't have measurements.
01:26:11We're not going to show up with a scope -- let's see here.
01:26:15Brian, can you move over a scosh?
01:26:19What do we do, we walk in the yard in our boxers.
01:26:24What do you want?
01:26:26We close one eye, more, more.
01:26:30I can see you now, mark it.
01:26:36Let me tell you this -- america is the greatest country in the world.
01:26:43That's why everybody wants to come here.
01:26:47For the american dream -- dream.
01:26:49That's what everybody wantsed in the beginning, that's what everybody wants now.
01:26:52I am a living example of the american dream.
01:26:56I came from no place!
01:26:59No mother, no father.
01:27:03Nobody in my family -- family who believed in me, and this year, my show will go into syndication.
01:27:14[Applause] it means george lopez ain't going nowhere!
01:27:29And my family always told me that I would end up on the street.
01:27:34You're worthless, george, you're going to end up on the street.
01:27:37You know what, they were right, I did end up on the street, on the hollywood walk of fame.
01:27:45Thank you, america!
01:27:48[Cheers] ♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ú 89h (úú 89h (úú 89h (úú 89h (úú 89h (úú 89h (úú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89ú 89úp8980úDON'S NOW ♪♪
01:28:27♪♪ The lowrider don't drive too fast ♪♪
01:28:35..] .. ♪♪
01:28:593 2 f1