Hogan's Heroes - The Crittendon Plan   View more episodes

Aired at 12:30 PM on Friday, Nov 20, 2009 (11/20/2009)      View all transcripts from this day


00:02:57Herr Kommandant, I beg your pardon.
00:03:00Schultz, what is it, what is it?
00:03:01I don't know how to say it, Herr Kommandant,but...
00:03:03Schultz, what is the matter with you?
00:03:04You say, "All present and accounted for." Now, say it.
00:03:08I would give my life if I would be able to say it, but, I...
00:03:10Unfortunately, Commandant, there's been an escape.
00:03:14Schultz, did you sound the alarm?
00:03:15Sound the... Too late, Commandant.
00:03:17Happened early last night.
00:03:18Carter. He's long gone.
00:03:20Long gone?
00:03:20Schultz, I will have your head for this.
00:03:23Berlin will have my head.
00:03:24The one thing they would never question was my perfect record.
00:03:28Now it's gone.
00:03:29Should we call out the dogs?
00:03:30Call out the... No chance, Commandant.
00:03:32Why not? Carter thinks like a dog.
00:03:34Yes, he thinks like a dog.
00:03:36But he must be recaptured.
00:03:38You got a problem, Commandant, because there's only one man in Stalag 13 who knows how to find him.
00:03:43Who's that?
00:03:44Me. I think like him.
00:03:46Hogan, this is a trick.
00:03:46I'm not letting you out of this camp.
00:03:48Commandant, do you really think I'd go out and hunt down one of my own men?
00:03:53I order you to go.
00:03:54That never works, sir.
00:03:55Hogan, what am I to do?
00:03:57Wait for your transfer.
00:03:58Russian front.
00:03:59Hmm. Russian front.
00:04:01We'll wait for your replacement.
00:04:03A beast probably.
00:04:04A beast, of course.
00:04:05Won't be a man of your culture, humanity.
00:04:08Prisoners will suffer.
00:04:09The prisoners will suffer, yes.
00:04:12Why not?
00:04:13Butc'est la guerre.
00:04:15C'est la guerre.
00:04:16Hogan, you owe it to your men to bring him back.
00:04:20Really, sir?
00:04:21Look at them.
00:04:22What would it mean to those poor devils if they were to lose me?
00:04:26More than you'll ever know, sir.
00:04:29Then go. I'll do it.
00:04:31Under heavy guard, of course.
00:04:32"Hair-trigger" Schultz.
00:04:34Jawohl,my colonel.
00:04:36Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him.
00:04:39He's your prisoner.
00:04:40And see to it that it stays that way.
00:04:42Jawohl, mein Kommandant.
00:04:44And bring Carter back.
00:04:51Colonel Hogan, what are wereallygoing to do?
00:04:55Well, Schultz, first...
00:04:57Tell me nothing, nothing.
00:05:10Colonel Hogan, I must protest.
00:05:13What are we doing here?
00:05:15Looking for Carter.
00:05:16Humph. We were sent out to look for Carter.
00:05:18What has looking for Carter to do with the many stops we've been making?
00:05:22What has looking for Carter to do with all the supplies and bundles you were loading back there?
00:05:29German uniforms, guns and radios, and boxes of something that looks like something I do not want to look at.
00:05:40Oh, please, Colonel Hogan!
00:05:43What are we doing here?
00:05:46Looking for Carter.
00:05:47Hmm. "Looking for Carter." There he is now.
00:05:52It is Carter.
00:05:54Carter, you're under arrest.
00:05:58Please wait.
00:06:03I found you, Carter.
00:06:04You are my prisoner.
00:06:06Hi, Schultz.
00:06:07Now, get into the truck.
00:06:10No tricks.
00:06:11Get in!
00:06:12Where are we going, Schultz?
00:06:13Back to Stalag 13, where else?
00:06:14I thought we'd go to Stalag 16.
00:06:15Why, why? Well, we have orders to pick up a prisoner.
00:06:18What prisoner? What orders?
00:06:19My German uniform in the back of the truck.
00:06:23Well, shall we go?
00:06:25SCHULTZ: Wait!
00:06:26We are going back to Stalag 13, and nowhere else.
00:06:32Now, back into the truck. March!
00:06:34Just thinking of you, Schultz.
00:06:36Do not think of me. Halt!
00:06:40Why are you thinking of me?
00:06:42Gestapo pick up your trail yet, Carter?
00:06:45Oh, yes, sir.
00:06:45Uh, they're close behind me that way.
00:06:47I welcome the Gestapo.
00:06:49I've captured a very dangerous escaped prisoner single-handed.
00:06:54Sure, Schultz, and they'll probably give you a medal for that stuff in the back of the truck.
00:06:58I know nothing of what's in the back of the truck!
00:07:02And I'll back you up every inch of the way-- as long as I can humanly hold out.
00:07:07He might not crack for hours.
00:07:09Let's go to Stalag 16.
00:07:12Get in the truck!Schnell!
00:07:14You'll never regret it, Schultz.
00:07:35Go ahead, sir; I read you loud and clear.
00:07:38Oh, I'm so glad.
00:07:38Mission underway there, chaps?
00:07:40Our men are on their way, sir, hours ago.
00:07:42Oh, I say, that's a bit of a fix.
00:07:44What is, sir?
00:07:45Well, our mistake, really, though completely understandable.
00:07:47The Colonel Crittendon in Stalag 16 isn't the man for the job at all.
00:07:51It's the wrong Crittendon?
00:07:53The Colonel Crittendon we want is in Stalag 2.
00:07:56Fine, sir.
00:07:56Yes, well, you see, where we got our wires crossed is this, that that donkey in Stalag 16 submitted a perfectly dreadful plan about a year back for growing geraniums along the runways of all our aerodromes.
00:08:07Called it the Crittendon plan.
00:08:08So, you can understand our mistake.
00:08:09Eh, any possibility Perfectly, sir.
00:08:11of getting word to your men in the field?
00:08:13Not a prayer.
00:08:15Oh. Too bad.
00:08:15Well, they'll just have to muddle through, won't they?
00:08:18How can they be going through with it, Hogan?
00:08:21All I can say, Crittendon, is it better be good.
00:08:25Good? It's superb.
00:08:27Imagine the morale boost to those young flying chaps, setting down in dear old England between a carpet of crimson geraniums.
00:08:36Geraniums? Geraniums?
00:08:38Of course.
00:08:39Straight from the horror of war.
00:08:40Like coming home to mother's cottage.
00:08:43Tremendous psychological factor there, chaps.
00:08:47That's the Crittendon plan?
00:08:49Geraniums lining every runway.
00:08:51And they're going to do it.
00:08:53Any way we can leave him, sir?
00:08:55'Fraid not, but I'd love to.
00:08:58Something wrong?
00:08:59Nothing, nothing at all.
00:09:00Let's go plant geraniums.
00:09:02Good show.
00:09:05Carry on, chaps.
00:09:06Chins up.
00:09:07See you in Tipperary.
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00:13:10Excuse me, please, Colonel Hogan.
00:13:11Commandant Klink would like to speak to you.
00:13:13Much too busy for that, Schultz. Tell him, will you?
00:13:14But if I tell him, Colonel Hogan, he might ask what are you so busy doing.
00:13:19All right, I'll tell you.
00:13:21Please. I'll make up something.
00:13:23Now, look, Crittendon, it's almost rendezvous time.
00:13:25Our people are going to be here.
00:13:27Are you in with us or not?
00:13:29Well, dash it all, Hogan.
00:13:31A prisoner's duty is to escape and get back to his own life.
00:13:34Now, what's that got to do with blowing up convoys?
00:13:36I explained that to you.
00:13:38The people we're to meet here are highly suspicious by nature.
00:13:42Otherwise, they wouldn't be alive.
00:13:43They're expecting us to have a Colonel Crittendon who has the master plan to this whole operation.
00:13:48I can't tell 'em we have the wrong Crittendon.
00:13:51They'd pull out in a minute.
00:13:52We couldn't switch the whole thing to planting geraniums, I suppose? No!
00:13:58Colonel, I think our people just came in.
00:14:03All right, I'll do the talking.
00:14:05Don't get pinned down on anything.
00:14:07I'll answer the questions.
00:14:08Well, do you really think you should?
00:14:12Just asking.
00:14:19Excuse me, but...
00:14:20What is this, a German?
00:14:22He's a neutral.
00:14:23Could you speak to Commandant Klink just for a little moment?
00:14:27Who is this Klink?
00:14:28I'm sorry, Schultz. We're just leaving.
00:14:29Where are we going? You stay here.
00:14:30It won't be more than a day or two.
00:14:32A day or two?
00:14:33All right, not more than a week.
00:14:34A week?
00:14:35One thing.
00:14:37Tonight, tomorrow, no time, no one touches the girl.
00:14:42What girl?
00:14:43Girl? What girl?
00:14:50No one touches her.
00:14:53Of course, of course.
00:14:56No, naturally.
00:14:59Never entered my mind.
00:15:08Oh, boy.
00:15:31What? What's up?
00:15:35(whispering): Where are the others?
00:15:37They left to look at the tunnel.
00:15:39What, without me?
00:15:41You were born under a lucky star.
00:15:50Well, uh... shouldn't we go and look for them or something?
00:15:55I will lead you.
00:15:56Oh... You sure you know the way?
00:16:00I've been there before.
00:16:20MARKO: They will post the guard there tomorrow morning.
00:16:24Yeah, about 50 troops.
00:16:27And how do we fight 50 Germans?
00:16:30We don't.
00:16:31We open fire on the convoy about a half a mile from the tunnel.
00:16:34We stop the lead trucks so the others bunch up and we call in the bombers to go to work on the rocket fuel.
00:16:40Where do we get the bombers?
00:16:41Get in touch with 'em by shortwave.
00:16:43Have a flight of B17s standing by.
00:16:45As soon as we find out what time the convoy arrives, we radio the information.
00:16:49What of the tunnel?
00:16:51Blow that, too.
00:16:52Bombers will force the Germans inside.
00:16:54We'll sneak up and lob in some high explosives.
00:16:57Eh, dangerous plan.
00:16:59There may be some losses.
00:17:01What time's the convoy get here?
00:17:06Tell him.
00:17:09They come two hours after the guard is posted at that tunnel.
00:17:15All right. Let's go.
00:17:24Hey, Colonel, I got some beauties here.
00:17:26(chuckles) Where is the girl?
00:17:28She's not here?
00:17:29Where's Crittendon?
00:17:30Well, he's right over there sleep...
00:17:31I... I don't know.
00:17:33I said no one touches the girl.
00:17:37CRITTENDON(chuckles): Hello there, chaps.
00:17:39(sighs) Well, we, uh, had a deuce of a job finding you, but, uh, we had quite a jolly chat together, really.
00:17:46What did you do with him?
00:17:48Not what you think, pig.
00:17:50I asked him some questions that you should've asked him last night.
00:17:54He has no plans at all.
00:17:56Did you know that?
00:17:56He knows nothing about the convoy.
00:17:58He wants to plant geraniums somewhere.
00:18:02Well, she, uh... seemed sincerely interested.
00:18:10Now you will call to no one to betray us.
00:18:14No... one.
00:18:16Yeah, I guess we won't.
00:18:17Oh, bad show.
00:18:21HOGAN: All right, time to go, Carter.
00:18:24Ready with that thing?
00:18:26I hope so.
00:18:27It's the best I could do on short notice.
00:18:29You are going nowhere.
00:18:29HOGAN: I already explained to you what happened.
00:18:31We simply got the wrong Colonel Crittendon.
00:18:34That's all.
00:18:35No offense, Colonel.
00:18:36Quite all right.
00:18:37For that, you can shoot us, or you can stay here, or you can come with us...
00:18:41...but we're going to try to stop that convoy.
00:18:45Get in the truck, Carter.
00:18:49Right, Colonel.
00:18:54He will not shoot.
00:18:56I am going with them.
00:18:58But they have no chance.
00:18:59Perhaps, but they are going to fight Germans, and that is what I am going to do: fight Germans.
00:19:06I do not believe them.
00:19:08You are afraid.
00:19:11The girl stays with me.
00:19:13Who wants to die by inches?
00:19:16I am going.
00:19:20You have no chance!
00:19:34All right, Crittendon, you sure you've got it?
00:19:36Got it, old boy. Oops.
00:19:37Having a spot of trouble holding it, though.
00:19:39I'm talking about procedure.
00:19:42Now, you're under the truck with the bomb.
00:19:43Yes, indeed. When we stop the lead truck in the convoy, you crawl under it and tape the bomb to the gas tank.
00:19:48Right. It's set to go off when they're in the tunnel.
00:19:50Well, I'll do my best, old boy.
00:19:51Not exactly my line of work, though, you know?
00:19:54Truck coming, Colonel.
00:19:56All right, Carter.
00:19:57Set the bomb.
00:20:02Uh-oh, bad news.
00:20:03Marko's in the front seat with a couple of Krauts.
00:20:06That pig.
00:20:07What do we do now, Colonel?
00:20:08Go through with it.
00:20:09I shall cover him from the side of the road.
00:20:10If he opens his mouth, I fire.
00:20:13But if he hasn't gone over to them, it seems a rum go to blow him up.
00:20:17That's our job.
00:20:18All right, Crittendon, get under the truck.
00:20:19Under the truck. Crittendon?
00:20:21Yes? The bomb.
00:20:31If you see the truck is not going to stop, jump out of the way.
00:20:35Don't worry. They'll stop.
00:20:44(tires screech) Hello.
00:20:47These are your instructions, Sergeant?
00:20:48To stop for every hitchhiker?
00:20:50No, Major, I...
00:20:51Laudent, inspect the truck there to see if they're doing anything else wrong.
00:20:53Yes, Herr Major. Sergeant, dismount!
00:20:59Sergeant, you will look at me!
00:21:01Yes, Major.
00:21:03Who is this other hitchhiker?
00:21:04You are running a bus service?
00:21:05No, Major, uh, one of our patrols picked him up, said they thought he was a member of a guerrilla band and would make a good hostage.
00:21:11So, with guerrillas operating, you make two stops and bunch up the convoy?!
00:21:16What is it?
00:21:20Nothing, nothing.
00:21:23CARTER: Is everything in order, Laudent?
00:21:26You will look at me, Sergeant!
00:21:27Almost everything, Herr Major.
00:21:33Get back in the truck.
00:21:34Yes, sir.
00:21:41Where are you going, Sergeant?!
00:21:43Get back in the truck!
00:21:44Yes, Major.
00:21:48(door shuts) Drive on.
00:21:53And your commanding officer shall hear from me.
00:21:57(engine starts) All right, get this truck out of here.
00:22:02The rest of that convoy will be along in a minute.
00:22:04Right, Colonel. Crittendon.
00:22:07Did you get it taped down okay?
00:22:08No fuss at all, old boy.
00:22:09What time's it set to go off?
00:22:11Two minutes.
00:22:12Cor. Glad I didn't know.
00:22:15Let's go.
00:22:16Hey, the convoy's in the tunnel, Colonel.
00:22:18How's thtime?
00:22:19It should've happened by now.
00:22:22Crittendon, are you sure...?
00:22:23(explosion) There she goes!
00:22:29And the tunnel, the convoy, the works!
00:22:32(gasps) Hogan, you're wonderful!
00:22:35No one touches the girl!
00:22:38No one.
00:22:42Oh. Pity, actually.
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00:24:51Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Carter, I want every minute of the three days you were gone accounted for.
00:24:55That's the thanks we get for keeping your record intact?
00:24:57Hogan, I will not be diverted.
00:24:58Well, just look what happened while we were gone.
00:25:01A British colonel escaped from Stalag 16, and you're complaining.
00:25:05They'll catch him.
00:25:06Eh, you're probably right.
00:25:08Hogan, I will not be diverted.
00:25:09I want every minute accounted for.
00:25:11Well, it takes time to track down a fox.
00:25:14I lead them a merry chase, sir, but they were relentless.
00:25:18Schultz, why did you keep calling from a beer hall?
00:25:22Because there was a telephone?
00:25:24I won't accept that.
00:25:25But, sir, it was really an exhausting chase.
00:25:27It may go down in the annals of the all-time great manhunts.
00:25:30Boy, I was out there in the woods, and I was... Carter...
00:25:33Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I just have to say it.
00:25:34You and Schultz were just too much for me, just too much.
00:25:38Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
00:25:40Schultz, I am giving you a three-day pass.
00:25:43Thank you, Herr Kommandant.
00:25:45Hogan, you will receive two extra pieces of writing paper.
00:25:49Characteristically generous, sir.
00:25:51And me, sir?
00:25:5330 days in the cooler for attempted escape.
00:26:04I talk too much?
00:26:05You talk too much.
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00:27:00Whoa, there.
00:27:07Afternoon, dr. adams.
00:27:08Charity, how are you?
00:27:10I'm fine, I guess.
00:27:11I was going home and I thought I'd see your father.
00:27:15How is he?
00:27:16He's wasting away more every day.
00:27:18Any pain?
00:27:20You'd not likely know from him.
00:27:23Festus came by this morning.
00:27:25Him and pa are out clearing the new field.
00:27:28Isn't that something?
00:27:30Well, I don't know.
00:27:30Knowing your father I'm not at all surprised.
00:27:34It's a sad waste of time.
00:27:37Maybe not.
00:27:39Maybe at this point festus can do more for jeb than I can.
00:27:50All right.
00:27:51All right, jeb.
00:27:52Let's give it another whirl.
00:27:55Come on, boy.
00:27:56Come on, boy.
00:27:57(straining) No, no.
00:28:00Ain't no good, jeb.
00:28:01She ain't coming out.
00:28:04Now, that's what I call being plain stubborn natured.
00:28:08We got her boogered and battered but she ain't fixing to give up just yet.
00:28:14Some of us don't know when to quit.
00:28:17Give me that there ax.
00:28:21With enough water this field's going to turn out some fine crops come summer.
00:28:26Have you wished for your well, yet?
00:28:29I got a strong sign over yonder.
00:28:32Two days next week we'll start digging.
00:28:35We'll do no such thing.
00:28:37Why not?
00:28:38You've done plenty.
00:28:39Oh, foot.
00:28:40Have you been keeping track?
00:28:42I sure have.
00:28:43Festus, when time comes give a look-see to charity for me, will you?
00:28:48See she gets a footstep in the right direction.
00:28:52Aw, jeb, quit talking thataway.
00:28:55It ain't so bad.
00:28:55And I ain't skittery, except for thinking about her.
00:28:59It's sad what you do by loving your young'uns too much-- holding them too tight, too long.
00:29:06Gets so you can't let them go.
00:29:10Hand me that there ax.
00:29:22All right, jeb.
00:29:23You got my word.