John Caparulo: Meet Cap   View more episodes

Aired at 07:00 PM on Saturday, Jan 16, 2010 (1/16/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00ld come and do this here...
00:00:03'cause, uh, yeah.
00:00:05[ Audience Laughing ] I mean, it really is-- I mean, I started doing comedy 11 years ago.
00:00:10My first time, I was on in Akron.
00:00:12And, uh-- I mean, 'cause it--[ Cheering ] All right. Settle down.
00:00:19[ Chuckles ] But I mean-- 'Cause they told me there was a thousand people here tonight.
00:00:24I mean, that's cool, but my first show...
00:00:27there was... one.
00:00:30There was one guy at my first show.
00:00:32I was mad that he-- stayed.
00:00:34I'm, like, what are you doin Who goes by themselves in the first place?
00:00:37Why are you here?
00:00:39It's not even a show. It's like a conversation, and I got a microphone.
00:00:44All right? It's weird.
00:00:45I remember I was getting ready to go on, and one of the veteran comics comes over to me.
00:00:50"You know, kid, you're gonna find, in this business, "that sometimes the smaller crowds are even more fun...
00:00:55than the bigger crowds." I'm, like, "That's great, but that's not a crowd. It's a-- dude.
00:01:01This is gonna suck." Yeah. So.
00:01:06It's fun being back in Cleveland though.
00:01:07It is.
00:01:10[ Man ]Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.
00:01:12I mean, 'cause, yeah, I grew up in a place...
00:01:17you've never heard of.
00:01:18But-- [ Laughing ] You know, Cleveland was a big deal to me.
00:01:21I was a Browns fan my whole life. Yeah.[ Cheering, Whooping ] Yeah. Yeah.
00:01:28[ Laughing ] That's why I'm a comic...
00:01:34and I'm not happy, you know?
00:01:37I'm serious. If Earnest Byner didn't fumble, I wouldn't-- be here right now.
00:01:42I mean, really. I'd have a job, insurance and-- I mean, like, no.
00:01:48[ Chuckling ] I remember I told somebody that.
00:01:51I was, like, "Cleveland hasn't had a pro sports championship since 1964." And they must have looked it up online.
00:01:58They're, like, "Actually, you guys are only second.
00:02:01San Diego hasn't had one since '61." I'm, like, "Oh-- San Diego. All right? You know what?" It's San Diego! All right? When they lose, they can go out on the beach.
00:02:12You know what? ...them.
00:02:13When the Browns lose, I mean, I gotta deal with that and icicles on my balls.
00:02:18This sucks. All right? I'm mad.
00:02:20Tell me about San Diego's woes.
00:02:24[ Laughing ] [ Cheering, Applauding ] It's weird, you know?
00:02:32I, uh-- Travelin' here, I just-- I came-- Yeah, you guys actually have traffic.
00:02:37I didn't realize that before. It's, uh-- You know?
00:02:40L.A.'s the worst. That's where I live now.
00:02:41It's the worst.
00:02:43I got into a wreck a couple of weeks ago.
00:02:46Guy rear-ended me on the freeway.
00:02:48Yeah. We're all just going straight.
00:02:50How can you not figure this-- out? I mean, really.
00:02:54It's not that hard.
00:02:56Did you ever get in a wreck with somebody, and it's their fault, and they try to be Captain Positive?
00:03:02I'm mad, all right? My bumper's on the ground.
00:03:05"Well, at least nobody got hurt." Yeah, not yet, bitch! All right?
00:03:10Wait till the cops leave.I'll kick you in the balls.
00:03:14I'm mad. What are you-- I know I have a problem with road rage. I do.
00:03:21- Anybody else? Road rage? - [ Cheering ] [ Chuckling ] We've probably met.
00:03:30But I'm, like, quit tryin' to solve my problem, you know?
00:03:33Yeah, I have a problem with road rage, and yeah, therapy could probably help.
00:03:38Guess what else could help. If you could-- drive, all right? That would help too.
00:03:42I'm just sayin', I wouldn't be this mad...
00:03:45if you would just-- go, all right?
00:03:47Just go! I don't have all day to look at the back of your Civic.
00:03:51...go! All right? Let's do it.
00:03:52You got an arrow, and I gotta... poop. All right? Let's go. Let's do it.
00:03:56I don't care about the old lady who hasn't made it across the street yet.
00:03:59She rolled the dice when she stepped off the curb. All right? Let's go!
00:04:06Put it in "D." It stands for-- go. All right?
00:04:07Let's go.
00:04:14And just merge!
00:04:16If you have to merge-- Just do it, all right? Don't be a pussy.
00:04:19All right? Just merge.
00:04:22Don't act like a little girl dipping your toe in the pool.
00:04:25Like, is it cold? Am I gonna get splashed?
00:04:28Just merge! And if I let you merge-- I don't know if a lot of people don't understand this-- There's a limit. It's one.
00:04:36One car gets in!
00:04:38One car!
00:04:40I'm not vehicular-- Santa Claus. All right?
00:04:43One car gets in. The rest of you are late.
00:04:45And if I let you in, you better not let anybody else in either, I swear to God.
00:04:49Yeah, I'll follow you to your house and poop in your driveway.
00:04:54I don't give a-- [ Chuckling ] Don't you wish it was legal to punch people for being dumb? Wouldn't that be sweet?
00:05:05Like, as long as you had a good reason?
00:05:09Long as you had a good reason that would hold up in court.
00:05:12You know, the judge would be, like, "You know what? I hate that-- too.
00:05:15Case closed. Go ahead. Yeah, you're cool." I gotta tell you, there's been a bunch of break-ins in my neighborhood in L.A.
00:05:24I get home late at night, so I was gonna buy a gun, 'cause it's easier to hide than a sword, which was my first choice.
00:05:33Wouldn't that be sweet, to get mugged, and you had a sword? I mean, really, of all days.
00:05:38"Give me your wallet." "Oh, not quite, mother-- "I'm taking this-- back to the 12th century, all right?
00:05:47We're doin' it." I made a mistake though. I told my mom I was gonna buy a gun.
00:05:53She was, like, "No, don't buy a gun. You'll hurt somebody." Duh. That's the whole point.
00:05:58She's, like, "Just get pepper spray." I'm, like, "I'm a dude. I can't get pepper spray.
00:06:03I might as well buy a whistle and scream rape." Pepper spray? I can't be tough with pepper spray.
00:06:11But the thing is,I thought about it.
00:06:13I'd be more dangerous with pepper spray.
00:06:16At least with a gun, I'd think about it.
00:06:18I'd be like-- Uh-- Ah, get out of here.
00:06:21Just don't cut in front of me again, all right? Get outta here.
00:06:24Pepper spray? I'd spray the-- out of everybody.
00:06:25I'd use it all the time.
00:06:28Excuse me, sir. I think you're in my parking spot. I had my blinker on.
00:06:31Oh, you were here first? Well-- [ Imitating Spraying ] Look. Now your eyes burn.
00:06:37Oh, you didn't see my blinker? Now you don't see-- do you?
00:06:41[ Imitates Spraying ] Think I won't spray the baby? I don't give a-- Look.
00:09:38Hate to travel.
00:09:39It's the worst. I'm sick of flyin'.
00:09:41I'm so sick of the airport bathroom.
00:09:45Can we just go back to knobs?
00:09:47Do I have to be a-- Jedi to get anything in a ba-- This-- --!
00:10:00The sink won't work. I always find the sink that doesn't work. I'm-- Fine! I'm not washing my hands. I don't care, all right?
00:10:10And I'm gonna touch everybody, too, 'cause I'm mad.
00:10:19Toilet won't quit flushing.
00:10:21I hate that! I blink, it flushes. Come on, dude.
00:10:24'Cause I like to use the handicap stall, 'cause I like to spread out.
00:10:29I like the high toilet so my feet swing and-- But I hate that it keeps flushing. I get all set up-- [ Imitates Flushing ] Gone. Now I gotta rebuild.
00:10:42And why does it flush that hard?
00:10:43It's like the Hoover Dam just let loose.
00:10:44I'm, like, dude, why does it flush-- And you can feel it splash and-- That's the worst.
00:10:50It, like, hits me in the arm. I'm, like, oh, great! AIDS. Now I have AIDS.
00:10:54There it is, on my arm. AIDS. Arm AIDS.
00:10:57That's how you get it.
00:10:59Dirty needles and toilet water.
00:11:06I hate to fly.
00:11:07You can't take anything on a plane now, can you?
00:11:11Everything's abomb!
00:11:12And they're serious too. I mean, they're really-- Like, they're dead serious.
00:11:16You're at the metal detector-- "Oh, get down!
00:11:17He's got... lotion." What? Like, it's lotion!
00:11:23I could see if I had lotion and a book that says,How to Makea Bomb Out of-- Lotion.
00:11:29They're, like, "Hey!
00:11:31"You were gonna do something with this, weren't you?
00:11:33Yeah, you must be the Lubriderm bandit that we've all heard about." It's lotion! Plus, how bad is a lotion bomb gonna be anyway?
00:11:42[ Imitates Explosion ] Oh-- Oh, it's-- lotion. All right.
00:11:50Thanks, Soft Skin Terrorist. I like that.
00:11:51All right.
00:11:55[ Chuckling ] I hate to fly.
00:11:59You can't take anything on the plane.
00:12:02You can't take a drink now on the plane, 'cause all of a sudden everybody's MacGyver and can make a bomb out of a Coke.
00:12:11Everybody sit down! All right?
00:12:14You get up again, I'm gonna take the cap off.
00:12:17Everybody here's gonna get... sticky. All right?
00:12:19You want that to happen? I don't think so.
00:12:19You sit down.
00:12:24You know if you've flown the past couple of years, if you show up at the metal detector with a Coke, or whatever, you gotta throw it away.
00:12:31But once you go through the metal detector, you can buy a Coke for, like, seven dollars.
00:12:35For some reason. "Yeah, we've done research, and seven-dollar Cokes don't explode. Thanks." Flying out of the country's the worst. I went to Canada for six weeks on a tour.
00:12:47Yeah. Huh-huh!
00:12:49I always see ads for-- Here's how they should advertise Canada.
00:12:52Hey, come to Canada! It's like America, except it sucks.
00:12:58I would feel bad saying that, 'cause I used to think we were all friends.
00:13:01What a bunch of dicks. Really. All they do is talk-- on us.
00:13:05I mean, you know, "We don't have all the problems that America does." Well, 'cause you don't have any... people.
00:13:10You don't have any problems. It's one big North Dakota. There's nobody here.
00:13:17"We don't have all the gun violence that you guys"-- 'Cause there's nobody to shoot, all right?
00:13:21A moose doesn't count as a homicide. I'm sorry.
00:13:26Like they make fun of our president.
00:13:27I was, like, wow, I'd make fun of your president, but I don't know who the-- he is, so-- Shut up.
00:13:38It's weird up there too.
00:13:41Everybody's French, which is creepy.
00:13:46I'm not used to that.
00:13:48People runnin' around, French.
00:13:51I'm used to America, where everybody speaks Spanish.
00:13:55You know what I mean?
00:14:03You know, it's weird, too, 'cause they don't look French.
00:14:07They look, you know-- I don't know what French looks like, but you know what I mean.
00:14:11They don't have berets and long mustaches and stuff, you know?
00:14:15They look American. They dress American.
00:14:17Like, there's brothers up there all thugged out.
00:14:24But they speak French.
00:14:25Those are the dudes you're afraid of here, but-- him, he speaks French.
00:14:29You know, like, how tough can you be?
00:14:31They'll try to swell up on you at McDonald's or something-- [ Speaking French ] Whatever, Pierre Dog.
00:14:46I don't wanna hear that-- Who the hell are you scarin'?
00:14:51I just came from L.A., coz. All right?
00:14:54I'll punch you in the-- and run, all right?
00:14:57What do you think of that?
00:15:02I never understood this. I never get this.
00:15:03I never understood why people think that if somebody knows more than one language, that makes them smarter than the rest of us.
00:15:09I called this guy an idiot, my friend's all, like-- [ Scoffing ] "That guy's not an idiot. He speaks, like, seven languages." So? If you're an idiot, and you speak seven languages, it just means a lot more people can understand you're a-- idiot.
00:15:27That's all it means.
00:15:29You just say dumb-- in more languages.
00:15:33Everybody's like that now. Everybody thinks they're so smart.
00:15:38I'm sick of people who... read.
00:15:43They think they're better than everybody, all right?
00:15:45Whatever you're reading's on TV somewhere.
00:15:46I saw it.
00:15:48Like, you ever go to a movie, you like the movie 'cause it's a movie?
00:15:53Somebody's always gotta ruin it-- "Oh, the book is so much better than the movie." Oh, shut up, nerd. It's not better.
00:15:59It's never better. There's a reason why they invented movies-- 'Cause books-- suck. All right? Nobody likes to read.
00:16:05It's not 1852. I'm not in school. I don't have to read anymore.
00:16:09I get it done in two hours, and it's over.
00:16:09It's better now.
00:16:12"But there's so much more to the story in the book." Well, I trust Tom Hanks to tell me all I need to know. All right? It's better.
00:16:21I read one book that was a movie...
00:16:24'cause I had to for school.
00:16:26I readJaws.
00:16:28My English teacher's, like, "You're gonna love it.
00:16:30The book's so much better than the movie." I'm, like, yeah, 'cause the movie really sucked, huh?
00:16:35Had a 25-foot mechanical shark and explosions.
00:16:37But look, the book has pages. Oh, way better.
00:16:40Oh, I'm lost in a world of make-believe, Mr. Taylor.
00:16:43Now I'm gay. All right. I hope you're happy.
00:18:33sNsN9gNyg÷ People read, they watch the news all day.
00:20:38It's on all day now. You know?
00:20:41I just-- I always thought, by the time I got to 30, I'd start watching the news, but maybe 40.
00:20:48I don't know. 'Cause I don't care.
00:20:50I wish I could come up here and tell jokes about the president, but I don't know-- People go up to me-- "Did you see the debate today? Did you see what happened?" No.
00:21:03"How could you miss that?" Well, I guess I got more channels than you do.
00:21:10Wasn't on Nickelodeon. I'm just saying.
00:21:13I'm watchingSpongeBob, all right? And I'm happy.
00:21:16'Cause there's always something to be worried about on the news.
00:21:19'Cause there's always some food scare.
00:21:21There's always some food I can't eat 'cause of whatever you saw on CNN.
00:21:26My friends always call me-- "Oh, dude! Don't eat red Starburst.
00:21:32Some guy at the factory's puttin' his-- in 'em. You don't wanna do that." Just the red ones? That's weird.
00:21:41And why'd he pick out the red, and how'd they find him?
00:21:44I mean, really, did they line 'em all up?
00:21:45"We're looking for a red tip.
00:21:48Yeah, anybody have a red tip?" Like, remember last year, there was a spinach recall?
00:21:58Friend of mine called me, frantic-- "Dude, don't eat any spinach!" [ Laughs ] Dude, not a-- problem, all right?
00:22:05I'm not eatin' spinach.
00:22:07Nobody eats spinach on purpose. Why are you callin' me?
00:22:09Oh, lucky I heard from you. I was about to down a can and go fight Bluto.
00:22:15Nobody's eatin' spinach. What am I, Popeye?
00:22:18There's a recall on Doritos, call me, all right?
00:22:21'Cause I got a problem.
00:22:23Waste my time with spinach talk.
00:22:26Everybody I know is like that now, especially in L.A.
00:22:30Everybody's so healthy.
00:22:32Everybody's on a health kick.
00:22:34And that's fine, but keep it to yourself.
00:22:37You know? I mean, if you wanna be on a health kick, fine.
00:22:40You wanna live that long, do it.
00:22:43But I like butter.
00:22:46Butter makes everything better, all right?
00:22:47Look, butter's good!
00:22:51[ Cheering, Whistling ] Butter is sweet.
00:22:52I'll put butter on Skittles. All right? I don't care. Butter's good.
00:22:55Butter and ranch. You could put ranch on dog-- I'd probably tough it out.
00:22:59I'd be, like, you know what? I just need more ranch. I like ranch.
00:23:06Can't eat anything anymore without somebody chimin' in. You know?
00:23:09Everybody's-- Like, when did the guy bagging groceries become a nutritionist?
00:23:15I mean, if you bag groceries for a living, fine.
00:23:18It's honest work, but shut up.
00:23:22Don't talk about what I bought.
00:23:23"Oh, Rice Krispie Treats and beer. Somebody's on a health kick." Oh, somebody's baggin'-- groceries! Shut the hell up.
00:23:32Could have made this easy, huh? But you had to run your fat mouth, didn't you?
00:23:35Oh, yeah. And by the way-- [ Imitates Spraying ] Look at that.
00:23:39Yeah, now your eyes burn.
00:23:41[ Cheering, Applauding ] Everybody's like that. Remember when McDonald's was fun?
00:23:52Not now. That's been ruined.
00:23:55Can't eat that anymore in front of anybody.
00:23:57"Don't you know what's in that?" Uh, goodness?
00:24:00I don't know. I don't care.
00:24:02It's a mouthful of fun and salt, all right?
00:24:02I don't care.
00:24:05I'm not doing research on a sandwich.
00:24:06If you pull into McDonald's, you pretty much decided, " 70s," all right?
00:24:11I don't care. I'm not in the mood.
00:24:13I didn't come here to feel better.
00:24:17"That's not even real cheese." Oh, well, it's playing the-- part.
00:24:21So if it ain't cheese, it's cheese's stunt double. All right? I don't care.
00:24:25If it looks like cheese and tastes like cheese, it's-- cheese!
00:24:28Now, come on!
00:24:32I have to eat fast food.
00:24:34I'm a single guy. I can't cook.
00:24:37I get mad if a frozen dinner's too complicated.
00:24:40You know what I mean? I'm supposed to be able to hit buttons and eat.
00:24:46It's not supposed to be a process.
00:24:48Microwave on medium for four and a half minutes, remove, stir potatoes.
00:24:52Whoa! What the-- Stir potatoes?
00:24:54What am I, Wolfgang Puck? I'm not stirring-- That wasn't part of the deal, Swanson!
00:25:01You should have stirred it before you put it in the-- box.
00:25:04That's not my job. And where the hell is medium?
00:25:07Where do I find medium on the microwave?
00:25:09What, do I leave the door cracked? I don't know where-- medium is.
00:27:20Everybody's like that now, you know?
00:27:22My friends are all so healthy. They are.
00:27:23They just-- You know?
00:27:26Always starts with what they have to drink too.
00:27:29I went to lunch with my friend. I always order a Coke.
00:27:31He's, like, "Oh, I'll have water with lemon.", all right?
00:27:36What are you, better than me all of a sudden?
00:27:38And what's the lemon for? The lemon doesn't make it fun.
00:27:41Just means you got water with seeds in it.
00:27:41That's all it means.
00:27:46Could we just have Coke and Pepsi in the same building?
00:27:51[ Cheering ]Really? I mean-- taurant, "What would you like to drink?" Can I have a Coke? "Hmm, is Pepsi okay?" Is Canadian money okay? 'Cause no, everybody was happy with Coke, you dick.
00:28:04Stop making-- Stop having stuff nobody likes.
00:28:08You know? And stop-- It's just like-- like orange Popsicles.
00:28:12Why do they still have orange?
00:28:15Nobody likes 'em. Put the grape and the cherry in there, seal the-- box.
00:28:19Nobody likes orange. That's what happens.
00:28:21You eat the grape and the cherry first, and all you got left is... orange.
00:28:26And your mom won't buy new Popsicles 'cause why didn't you finish the last box?
00:28:30Oh, 'cause all we got is punk-ass orange for some reason.
00:28:32That's why I didn't finish the last box, 'cause orange sucks.
00:28:35"Well, I'm not buying new Popsicles." There goes my whole-- summer then, doesn't it?
00:28:41I don't see you reaching for the orange either, do I, Ma?
00:28:43That's why your lips are purple. You don't think I watch? Yeah.
00:28:45I'm movin' out. I know I'm 30. I don't give a-- I'm movin' out. Yeah.
00:28:49Oh, by the way-- [ Imitates Spraying ] Look at that. Yeah.
00:28:51I'll pepper spray my mom too. I don't care.
00:28:54[ Cheering ] Stop havin' stuff nobody likes. Stop inventin' stuff nobody needs.
00:29:08Like, I don't know if you guys watch infomercials, but I do.
00:29:12Those are great, aren't they? I mean, I watch 'em all the time.
00:29:15I love that they invent problems nobody has...
00:29:18just to solve that problem, you know?
00:29:20Like, they'll be selling a new mop or somethin'.
00:29:22"Are you tired of your old mop catching on fire every time you use it?" Uh, I don't think it does, but now I'm afraid it will, so I'm gonna call you guys.
00:29:34I love infomercials, you know?
00:29:36Like, you ever see the mattress commercials now? All the new beds.
00:29:40I used to like my bed. Now I'm, like, well, what a piece of-- you are all of a sudden.
00:29:46It's a bed! Who can't fall asleep on a bed?
00:29:50I fell asleep on a-- ladder one time, all right?
00:29:53It's not that hard to fall asleep.
00:29:54People fall asleep driving, and you can't fall asleep on a bed. Really?
00:29:59They always have that guy on the commercial-- "Oh, I can't sleep!
00:30:02I can't sleep! I can't--" Because you're not tired. All right?
00:30:07Go do some-- and come back, all right? It's not that hard to go to sleep.
00:30:14I love infomercials.
00:30:17I love that you get two of everything.
00:30:19"We're gonna give you a second one for free...
00:30:22"'cause we really gotta get rid of this-- "We'll give you a second one if you call in the next four minutes.
00:30:29"You'll get a second one.
00:30:30"If you call in five minutes, we're gonna tell you to and hang up.
00:30:35But if you call in four minutes--" 'Cause everybody needs a second grabber.
00:30:40[ Laughing ] 'Cause what if the first grabber's out of reach?
00:30:46"Go get the grabber." "I can't reach it." "Well, get the spare-- grabber! What are you, an idiot?" I love TV.
00:30:57I can't live without TV. I watch everything.
00:31:01I love infomercials, documentaries.
00:31:05You know, I love Discovery. I don't know what it is. They get me every time.
00:31:09I just wanna watch TV. Ten minutes into it, I'm, like, ah, I'm learnin'.
00:31:16I didn't mean to learn.
00:31:17You know what they get me with every time?
00:31:18Loch Ness.
00:31:21I don't even know why I care. It's not like he's coming to get us.
00:31:24I mean, every time, "Searching for Loch Ness, next on Discovery." Oh-- me. I can't leave.
00:31:32And I know I'm gonna be disappointed.
00:31:34Every show ends the same way. "Thanks for watching.
00:31:37We didn't find-- but thanks for watching." It was a two-hour show, and you said something scary was comin' up.
00:31:43"Maybe we'll find him next time." You're not gonna-- find him next time either.
00:31:47Why'd you have a new show if you haven't made any goddamn progress?
00:31:50You're not gonna find him. It's the same thing every time.
00:31:53It's just four different dudes in a boat going, "He's not over here either. I don't know where he is." [ Cheering ] "Hey, go get the grabber. I think I got something here." I can't live without TV.
00:32:15I love TV. Like, my cable went out.
00:32:18That's like being stuck on an island.
00:32:21'Cause they don't care.
00:32:22You call the cable company. They don't care.
00:32:25Like, I got fuzz. Can you do something?
00:32:27"Well, we can't come out tonight. [ Chuckles ] "We can come out on Monday between 10:00 a.m. and... Thursday.
00:32:35You gonna be home?" [ Hooting, Applauding ] Yeah. I'll probably be home.
00:32:46That's not the point.
00:32:47Then they start asking dumb questions, like it's my fault.
00:32:50You ever get on the phone with customer service, and they ask you the dumbest-- possible?
00:32:54Like I wouldn't have thought of that before I called...
00:32:56and sat on hold for four hours listening to Hall and Oates's greatest hits?
00:33:03"Is your TV plugged in?" I will-- stab you, all right?
00:33:07I swear to God.
00:33:09Who unplugs the TV ever?
00:33:11You plug it in once, it stays that way till you move, all right?
00:33:15Nobody unplugs the TV.
00:33:17Oh, yeah. I was gonna turn it off with the remote control, and I thought, nah, I don't really trust that TV, so yeah.
00:33:22I better cut off his lifeline before I go to sleep...
00:33:25'cause I'm an idiot and I like resetting the goddamn menu every day.
00:33:30Yeah, English, channels-- "Calm down, sir." That's what I always get-- "Calm down, sir.
00:33:38It's not an emergency." Yeah, that's where you're wrong-- Judy.
00:33:41All right?
00:33:44It is an emergency.
00:33:46I don't have any TV. It's not like the water.
00:33:48I can live without stupid-- water for days.
00:33:49I don't have any TV!
00:33:52What if they find Loch Ness, and I'm not there?
00:33:54Right? I got bigger problems than you realize.
00:33:58It's a big deal, Judy.
00:37:49I don't know how to fix anything.
00:37:50I don't know if it's my generation, or just me, 'cause we didn't have shop class.
00:37:57I can't fix-- Like, when I was a kid, my dad fixed everything.
00:38:02He broke other-- in the process, but he fixed it.
00:38:05You know, like he fixed my car.
00:38:07"Yeah, I changed your brakes, but you ain't got no windshield wipers now." What the hell happened to my windshield wipers?
00:38:16"Don't-- worry about it. All right? Look.
00:38:19If it rains, take a rag. I needed a screw." But you couldn't find a screw anywhere except my windshield wipers?
00:38:26"Look, you ain't paying me enough to care." I'm not paying you at all. You're my dad.
00:38:29Holy-- I hated when he would work on stuff.
00:38:36You know? 'Cause I always had to be the gofer, like, 'cause I was the only son, so I would always have to help him.
00:38:42I tried to do anything to get out of that.
00:38:44I'd try to hide. My mom would come and find me. "Go help your dad." I'd rather try on dresses than help him.
00:38:52'Cause it's gonna suck. I know it's gonna suck.
00:38:55"Maybe you can learn something." I never learned anything from helping my-- You know what I learned from helping my dad?
00:39:00I learned how to hold the light and get-- yelled at.
00:39:05[ Cheering, Applauding ] [ Whistling ] One time he let me pick up a wrench. One time.
00:39:22He's, like, "Here, you wanna do something?
00:39:22Loosen this bolt." I'm, like-- [ Grunting ] "You can't get it, can you?" I'm, like, no. "'Cause you're a pussy, that's why." I'm, like, "Oh, I thought it was 'cause I'm nine, but all right." However you want to spin this.
00:39:39That's what scares me about parenting.
00:39:40I mean, I don't have kids or any close prospects of having kids anytime soon, but you know, nobody teaches you really how to parent.
00:39:49Everybody figures out their own method, you know?
00:39:52My dad was-- He just made you afraid to ask for-- Ever go on vacation with your family, you're in the backseat-- Dad, can we stop? I gotta pee.
00:40:01"Why didn't you pee the last time I stopped?" 'Cause it was yesterday. That's why I didn't pee last time you stopped.
00:40:07What the hell?
00:40:11He's always fixin' somethin', you know?
00:40:14And that's the thing.
00:40:16Like, you know, I don't do anything.
00:40:19He's always-- 'Cause he's cheap. That's why.
00:40:23You know? Like, I go home now, you know.
00:40:26They still live in the same house I grew up in.
00:40:28It's cold as-- in their house.
00:40:30He still won't let me touch the thermostat.
00:40:33Like I don't know when it's cold.
00:40:34I go to turn it up-- "Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:40:35What are you doing?" Uh, shivering? What do you think I'm doing?
00:40:38It's cold.
00:40:41Then he puts it on me. "Oh, sorry, Mr. California.
00:40:42Got thin skin out there, huh?" I'm, like, it's on-- seven. Why is it on seven?
00:40:51The refrigerator doesn't go to seven. Why is it on seven?
00:40:55"I ain't payin' to heat the whole goddamn neighborhood." You ain't heatin' the whole-- living room either.
00:41:00It's cold. I can see your breath right now.
00:41:02Here's a 20. Can I have heat while I'm here?
00:41:03Jesus Christ.
00:41:09"You're gonna have to work someday." That's what he always tells me. He still tells me that now.
00:41:14"You're gonna have to work someday." That-- still hasn't happened. [ Laughing ] [ Cheering ] I tried workin', but... nah.
00:41:31I can't do it, dude. I mean, you know?
00:41:33'Cause they expect me to care.
00:41:35I mean, I could see if I had a real job, fine, but I've always had-- jobs, you know?
00:41:41Like it's just, you know-- I can see if I had a real job that I wear a suit and a tie, fine.
00:41:46But for 6.50 an hour, you're lucky I'm wearing-- pants, all right?
00:41:51I don't care.
00:41:55Not cool. I've always had jobs that suck.
00:41:59Like my last job, I was working at a golf course.
00:42:02I was a groundskeeper at a golf course.
00:42:04They actually would get mad at me for, you know-- Like, "Hey, Caparulo! We had a meeting this morning.
00:42:09How come you missed the meeting?" 'Cause we cut-- grass. That's why I missed the meeting.
00:42:14What do we need to have meetings about?
00:42:15We do the same thing every day.
00:42:17It grows, and you cut it, and you try not to get stung by a-- bee, all right?
00:42:22That's all we do.
00:42:25Don't have to talk about it.
00:42:26I remember my first week on the job. You gotta show up real early to do that.
00:42:31They sent me out with this guy Roy.
00:42:33First thing he says to me is, "You want a beer?" Dude, it's 8:00.
00:42:40...yeah, I want a beer. All right?
00:42:43[ Whooping ] You got those new wendy's spicy chicken nuggets.
00:42:54Are they too spicy for you?
00:42:58Well, what is it?
00:42:59They were only 99 cents.
00:43:05Introducing 99 cents spicy chicken nuggets.
00:43:08All white meat seasoned with peppers and savory spices.
00:43:11But the real kick, you get 5 pieces for only 99 cents.
00:43:15Only at wendy's.
00:43:15♪ You know when it's real ♪
00:44:49You don't mess with those people.
00:44:50Fast food-- You just-- I'll cuss out a cop before I mess with the dude at Arby's.
00:44:55Really. You just don't-- 'Cause they're on edge.
00:44:58Like, my ex-girlfriend would do that.
00:44:59We'd go to the drive-through. She'd get all nasty with the guy on the intercom.
00:45:02"We need two double cheeseburgers, one Coke and one Diet Coke." "Yeah. That's two double cheeseburgers and two Cokes. Is that all?" "Oh, what the-- I said one Diet Coke.
00:45:12Is he deaf or just retarded?" Great. Looks like we're getting one Coke and one pee. All right. Well.
00:45:20Can't wait to drink pee again.
00:45:23All right. I'm glad I let you drive.
00:45:29Everything is such a big deal in a relationship.
00:45:31I always got-- 'cause I play video games, which-- sorry, they're cool.
00:45:36[ Scattered Applause ] Yeah! You know?
00:45:38Plenty of dumb-- she liked to do. I always had to go.
00:45:43"There's an arts and crafts festival downtown." Oh-- sweet! All right!
00:45:47Oh, yeah. Let me just quit being Spider-Man so I can go do that-- Oh, yeah. Way better. Yeah. I'm not really into art, but crafts!
00:45:53I love-- crafts! Yeah. I love baskets and beads, holding your purse and-- All right. It's great. I'm gonna kill myself.
00:46:07Always everything is just such a big deal.
00:46:10You know? Like, guys, you ever do something nice...
00:46:13for, you know, your significant other...
00:46:15then regret it the next day 'cause now I gotta do it every day...
00:46:18or I don't love you as much as I did on Wednesday?
00:46:22"How come you don't pick flowers anymore?
00:46:23"You used to go outside and pick flowers for me 'cause you love me.
00:46:27How come you don't do that anymore?" 'Cause it's December. There's no flowers.
00:46:31There's pinecones. You want a pinecone?
00:46:33'Cause you're so pretty, I'll pick you a-- pinecone next time I go outside.
00:46:39"I don't like the way you're talking to me." I don't like-- talkin' to you, all right?
00:46:42So you know what?
00:46:45We both got problems.
00:46:50And can I just kill a bug? --!
00:46:53Ever get that? She was afraid of spiders.
00:46:56So am I.
00:46:58So there's one on the wall, and it's not like a regular spider.
00:47:01It's one of those ones that looks like a Halloween decoration.
00:47:05I'm, like, how the hell did that get-- I didn't even think those were in this country.
00:47:07Holy-- So she sees it. "Aah, it's a spider!" I'm, like, "I know. I saw him 10 minutes ago.
00:47:15I was hoping he'd get you first and spare me." So she's, like, "Get him!" I go get my shoe 'cause I'm not-- around with a Kleenex.
00:47:27Yeah. You ever do that, where you hit a spider with a Kleenex?
00:47:30Go-- [ Blows Raspberry ] And you pull it away, and he's gone?
00:47:33Then I'm, like, now I'm getting a-- hotel room.
00:47:36I'm not gonna hang out here with some mad-ass spider looking to settle a score.
00:47:41Wait till I'm asleep, come out, "You thought you were pretty tough with that Kleenex?" No.
00:47:51Or whatever spiders do. You know.
00:47:54Some people you can't fight with 'cause they're better at it.
00:47:59You know, like, you ever had that friend, boyfriend, girlfriend-- They don't pull any punches in an argument?
00:48:04They just say the meanest-- they can think of just to win the fight.
00:48:08They don't care if you cut your wrist afterwards.
00:48:10As long as they won the fight, they don't care.
00:48:12I couldn't argue about little stuff.
00:48:14You know what? I don't like the fact that I gotta take the trash out every time.
00:48:18"Oh, yeah? I don't like the fact that you're a mama's boy and you got a little--" Guess I'll take the trash out then. All right?
00:48:30I, uh-- Not even really mad about that anymore.
00:48:38Kinda thinking more about this "little--" thing now, to tell you the truth.
00:48:42Glad we had this talk. You want a pinecone?
00:48:43'Cause I'm going outside.
00:48:46I'm not gonna make two trips.
00:48:51[ Whistling ] Yeah. It sucks breaking up though, 'cause you gotta, you know-- especially for guys-- I mean, I've only been a guy.
00:49:04But you gotta go change your life back, you know?
00:49:06Like, as a guy, I gotta go back to hangin' out with dudes, and they're a bunch of idiots.
00:49:12You know? Like, I mean, it's like they're cool for two days, and then after that it's, like, how are you not in jail right now?
00:49:19I mean, really.
00:49:22Like, I went out on a date recently.
00:49:24Women, if you go out on a first date, you come back, you talk to your friends.
00:49:27They ask normal questions. "Hey, where'd you go? What'd you do? Was it fun?" Dudes don't even warm up. "You-- her?" Uh-- [ Laughing ] Well, Dad, I didn't really wanna get into this with you.
00:49:44[ Laughing ] And they get mad too.
00:49:50"You-- her?" No.
00:49:56"Why didn't you-- her?" She said no.
00:50:03"Why didn't you-- her?" 'Cause that's a felony? What the hell is wrong with you?
00:50:10I can't hang out with them anymore. I can't do it.
00:50:14I just hang out by myself. Just got a dog.
00:50:18You have dogs? You guys have dogs? [ Cheering, Applauding ] Yeah.
00:50:24I got a basset hound, like, 'cause he's funny.
00:50:26Yeah. Like, I never understood why people act like the dog still serves a purpose.
00:50:32Like, he just lives here.
00:50:35Like, he's got a loud bark.
00:50:36People are, like, "Oh, I bet he's a good watchdog." Yeah, unless the intruder has... ham.
00:50:42[ Barks ] "Oh, you got ham. He's in there.
00:50:43Go kill him.
00:50:45"I'm gonna eat this ham, and then we'll reconvene for more ham, hopefully.
00:50:50I guess I'm your dog now. My name's Barney." ...sellout.
00:54:46I don't like weird pets.
00:54:47I don't like when people get pets that shouldn't be pets.
00:54:49I went to a pet store. It was actually somewhere around Akron.
00:54:53It was years ago. They were sellin' a kangaroo.
00:54:56With the pouch and-- I'm, like, who's gonna buy that?
00:55:00They were really trying to sell me on it too. "They make great pets!
00:55:03They're clean. They're quiet. They don't eat much." If I can get him in the car without him beating the-- out of me, I'll be fine.
00:55:11It's a kangaroo. Have you seen Looney Tunes?
00:55:13They don't-- around. They'll kick the-- out of ya.
00:55:17They don't like other kangaroos, let alone waking up next to me.
00:55:21Oh, morning, Hoppy. [ Imitates Blow Landing ] All right.
00:55:23Well, we'll talk later or something.
00:55:27Weird pets.
00:55:28Friend of mine got a ferret. What a dumb pet.
00:55:32I've never even seen it. All it does is hide.
00:55:36I go over to his house and, like, where's the ferret?
00:55:39"He's hiding." Well, in that case, I got a ferret too.
00:55:42All right?
00:55:45He's, uh-- He's around here somewhere. I'm just not out 400 bucks like you are, dip-- Yeah, yeah.
00:55:54I got a pet Loch Ness too. We'll find him next time.
00:55:58What a dumb pet.
00:56:00Some-- just not a pet.
00:56:02A fish tank is not a pet. It's a TV that you gotta feed.
00:56:06All right? He doesn't know you.
00:56:07Every time he swims around the tank, he's, like, "Aah. Who the-- is that?
00:56:11I don't know. Aah! Same guy. I'm gonna go hide in the castle." I like dogs. I'm a dog person.
00:56:21You know, I don't under-- You can't just get a dog anymore either, you know?
00:56:26Everybody's a breed expert now.
00:56:28Like it matters. I wanted to get a bulldog.
00:56:31Friend of mine's like-- [ Blows Raspberry ] "You don't want a bulldog. It's like one of the dumbest breeds there is." It's a dog. Who cares?
00:56:42I mean, he doesn't have any responsibilities.
00:56:44I'm not gonna have him running errands, doing my taxes or anything like that.
00:56:48I'm just gonna pet him or something, all right? I don't care.
00:56:51I wouldn't want that anyway. I wouldn't want a "smart" dog living with me.
00:56:54I'd feel like he's judging me and-- all the time.
00:56:57I don't need that kind of pressure.
00:56:58"I can't believe you're watching that movie.
00:56:59The book's so much better." Oh, shut the-- up. You're a dog. Nobody asked you.
00:57:15I'm not really into big dogs. Big dogs scare me.
00:57:18Like, I hate when I go over to somebody's house with a big dog, and they just leave me alone with it.
00:57:23Like I'm just cool with hanging out with this-- bear while you're in the shower.
00:57:28It's one thing if I come to your house, and your Chihuahua gets all revved up and humps my leg.
00:57:34Fine. We're still friends.
00:57:36But your rottweiler could bend me over the-- sink.
00:57:45Uh, dude, get your dog off me.
00:57:47Yeah, I think he's trying to-- me right now.
00:57:50Why are you not-- Put the camera down and get your-- dog.
00:57:58[ Whistling, Cheering ] From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you guys for coming out.
00:58:02This really is a dream come true for me to be here and letting me do this.
00:58:06Thank you very much. Thanks, you guys. Thanks.
00:58:10[ Cheering, Applauding ] [ Whooping ] [ Cheering, Applauding Continue, Fade ]