Katt Williams: The Pimp Chronicles Pt. 1   View more episodes

Aired at 09:00 PM on Sunday, Apr 18, 2010 (4/18/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:01I'ma go up to the stars, and I want you to meet me there.
00:00:05Yeah.
00:00:07So I'll holla at you.
00:00:13(man) WHO WE GOT IN THE HOUSE?
00:00:14We got a few people in the house tonight.
00:00:17We got lil john in the house.
00:00:19Be late for they own funeral if they wasn't dead.
00:00:22We got sleepy brown in the house.
00:00:24We got cam'ron and the dipset in the house.
00:00:28 celebrities is people too.
00:00:30HEY, HEY, HEY, IT'S LOVE, [bleep], LOVE!
00:00:34We trying to tape for special people.
00:00:36It's television.
00:00:37WE GOT THIS DRUNK [bleep] OVER HERE, Big will, in the house.
00:00:41Just a regular day in atlanta.
00:00:43Birds are chirping.
00:00:44Crackheads are smoking.
00:00:46Dogs barking.
00:00:48..
00:00:52For now.
00:00:54Da brat is in the house.
00:00:56OH, [bleep], COMING FROM THE 60604.
00:00:59Do not have your cat spayed or neutered.
00:01:02We got andre 3000 in the house.
00:01:05[cheering] [bleep] SHUT UP. I KNOW WHO HERE!
00:01:09When I introduce this man coming to the stage-- 'cause he's the reason that we're all here tonight-- I WANT Y'ALL TO STAND ON YOUR MOTHER[bleep] Feet, because if you sit down, you're still gonna be taller than this little MOTHER[bleep].
00:01:23[crowd laughing] You see him every day onwild 'n out.
00:01:27[cheering] STAND ON YOUR MOTHER[bleep] FEET And give it up for katt williams!
00:02:31Good evening, ladies and gentlemen; how are you?
00:02:35WHAT A MOTHER[bleep] PLEASURE TO BE HERE In atlanta.
00:02:38GODDAMN, ATLANTA, LOOK AT YOU MOTHER[bleep].
00:02:42Goddamn it!
00:02:45I don't know what the-- i--dig it--don't know whether to cry or just GET [bleep] UP, So I'm gonna do a combination of both a little bit later.
00:02:57WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOTHER[bleep] PLACE.
00:02:58I want to thank all the hairstylists in atlanta.
00:03:01THERE'S 9 MILLION OF YOU MOTHER[bleep].
00:03:04Thank you.
00:03:05One more of you bitches asks to do my goddamn hair, [bleep] NO.
00:03:09Y'ALL [bleep] THAT.
00:03:11IT'S TELLING STUPID [bleep] TO AN [bleep] TALKING ABOUT [bleep] YOUR HAIR RETAIN HEAT.
00:03:14BITCH, WHAT THE [bleep]?
00:03:15I done had this hair all day, bitch; it ain't burned me yet.
00:03:19WHAT THE [bleep] IS YOU TALKING ABOUT?
00:03:21I don't-- ain't nothing like atlanta.
00:03:24I DON'T GIVE A [bleep] WHAT A [bleep] SAY, Nothing like atlanta.
00:03:27There's so many-- goddamn!
00:03:30There's so many fine bitches in atlanta, MAKE A [bleep] HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
00:03:34[speaks in tongues] Please don't get angry, ladies; I'm only calling you bitches 'cause I don't know your names individually.
00:03:41Holla if you hear me now.
00:03:43Let's not get sensitive this evening.
00:03:45Let's not-- LIFE IS TOO MOTHER[bleep] SHORT.
00:03:48I'M HAPPIER THAN A MOTHER[bleep] TO BE HERE.
00:03:51Ain't nothing like atlanta.
00:03:52YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep] YOU GONNA Get.
00:03:54This is the most nastiest, dirtiest, ugliest, most beautiful, wonderful place in all of america.
00:04:00You could get all your dreams to come true at magic city, or you could get killed at a stoplight.
00:04:07[bleep] YOU NEVER [bleep] KNOW.
00:04:09It can happen right here.
00:04:11[bleep].
00:04:11You don't know what to tell jesus.
00:04:13You just--jesus, I don't know them.
00:04:17[bleep] LOOKED AT ME, I LOOKED BACK; THAT Was it, jesus.
00:04:20I'm here now.
00:04:22LIFE IS [bleep] SHORT.
00:04:24STOP BEING UNGRATEFUL ABOUT YOUR MOTHER[bleep] Life.
00:04:26You got to learn to be grateful.
00:04:27If god done bless you with a chrysler 300, be happy you got a chrysler 300.
00:04:33STOP WALKING AROUND TALKING [bleep] TALKING About, "[bleep] I GOT IT 'CAUSE IT LOOK JUST LIKE " NO, [bleep], IT LOOK LIKE A CHRYSLER 300.
00:04:44THE [bleep].
00:04:46THE [bleep] PART IS, IT DO LOOK LIKE A PHANTOM Until a phantom pull up.
00:04:51[laughter] THEN YOU JUST HITTING THAT [bleep].
00:04:56THIS IS BULL[bleep]; I DON'T EVEN WANT TO Be on this street.
00:04:59I don't even want-- all I'm saying is, YOU GOT TO BE GRATEFUL ABOUT YOUR MOTHER[bleep] Life.
00:05:08Ladies, you need to understand that as long as you got a vagina, YOU RUN THE ENTIRE MOTHER[bleep] UNIVERSE.
00:05:14That's the way it is.
00:05:15You need to understand that.
00:05:16THE ONLY [bleep] THAT DON'T AGREE IS HOMOSEXUALS, And we wasn't talking to y'all.
00:05:20This ain't your part of the show right now.
00:05:22Ladies, I'm telling you, you got to be the [bleep] TO YOU.
00:05:27STOP WAITING ON A [bleep] TO VERIFY WHETHER YOU THE [bleep] OR NOT.
00:05:30BITCH, IF YOU THE [bleep], YOU THE MOTHER[bleep].
00:05:33We tired of y'all getting with us AND BLAMING US FOR [bleep] WE AIN'T EVEN In control of.
00:05:38YOU DONE GOT WITH US [bleep]; NOW YOU TALKING About, YOU [bleep] UP MY SELF-ESTEEM.
00:05:43Bitch, it's called self-esteem.
00:05:45IT'S ESTEEM OF YOUR MOTHER[bleep] SELF, BITCH.
00:05:50HOW THE [bleep] DID I [bleep] UP How you feel about you, simple bitch?
00:05:54I'm just saying, ladies, stop tripping on [bleep] THAT DON'T EVEN MOTHER[bleep] MATTER.
00:05:58NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF [bleep] HAS A [bleep].
00:06:07NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF [bleep] HAS A [bleep] BEEN GETTING READY TO HAVE Sex with a woman and changed his mind because her fingernails and toenails didn't match.
00:06:16Not never.
00:06:17Not never.
00:06:18NEVER HAS A [bleep] BEEN PUTTING A CONDOM On and went, "bitch, is that plum and red?
00:06:22"I can't even do it, bitch. I'm out of here.
00:06:24" just saying, ladies, STOP WORRYING ABOUT [bleep] THAT DON'T MATTER.
00:09:33Some of y'all done had some babies.
00:09:34Now you got some stretch marks.
00:09:35You walking around the house bitter, blaming the baby, showing the baby your high school picture, " [bleep] THAT.
00:09:46If your man got a problem with your stretch marks, I SUGGEST YOU STOP [bleep] WITH BITCH [bleep].
00:09:51That's what I say.
00:09:53That's what I say.
00:09:54I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL REAL [bleep] IN ATTENDANCE Today when I say, we ain't got time to worry ABOUT NO [bleep] LIKE STRETCH MARKS.
00:10:01We know they either came from one of two things.
00:10:03[bleep], EITHER YOU WAS BIG AND GOT SMALL Or you was small and got big.
00:10:10EITHER WAY, WE [bleep].
00:10:11Either way.
00:10:17[bleep].
00:10:19Ladies, on the other hand, if you 25 years old, and you still walking around TALKING ABOUT [bleep] THAT [bleep], YOU NEED TO GET A HANDLE ON YOUR MOTHER[bleep] Life and take some responsibility, bitch.
00:10:30What you mean to say is, "ALL THAT [bleep] YOU [bleep] WITH AIN'T [bleep]." You need to figure out what it is about your [bleep] THAT KEEP ATTRACTING [bleep].
00:10:39It's your own personal business.
00:10:41I'm just saying life is short.
00:10:43TO MY [bleep], I KNOW YOU GOT TO BE HARD-- A black man in america, you got to be a hard MOTHER[bleep].
00:10:48BUT WE ALL KNOW [bleep] IS HARD ALL THE [bleep] Time.
00:10:50You can't forget to enjoy your goddamn life.
00:10:53WE ALL KNOW [bleep] IS HARD AT 7:00 IN THE MOTHER[bleep] MORNING.
00:10:55YOU LIKE, [bleep] WAIT A MINUTE, [bleep], You angry at breakfast?
00:11:01[bleep].
00:11:02YOU GANGBANGING ON BACON, [bleep]?
00:11:04This is-- I know 50 cent done made it real cool to be shot.
00:11:08Let me just say I've been shot before.
00:11:09AIN'T [bleep] COOL ABOUT IT.
00:11:10When I got shot, ain't no bitches come out, ain't no music play, nothing.
00:11:15THE [bleep] PART, WHEN I GOT SHOT, I wasn't even in the altercation.
00:11:18I'm outside the club watching some other [bleep] LOOK AT THESE CRAZY [bleep].
00:11:22OH, [bleep], THAT [bleep] GOT A GUN.
00:11:24[bleep] BETTER GET ME GOOD.
00:11:26Bam!
00:11:26Wait a minute, jesus!
00:11:28Pimp down!
00:11:29PIMP [unintelligible].
00:11:34[breathes heavily] THIS IS BULL[bleep].
00:11:38I done got blood in my perm.
00:11:39[bleep] I'M HAVING A BLACKOUT.
00:11:40I'm gonna black-- [laughs] ALL I'M SAYING: YOU GOT TO ENJOY YOUR MOTHER[bleep] Life.
00:11:49THAT'S ALL THE [bleep] I'M SAYING.
00:11:50Enjoy your goddamn life.
00:11:52LIFE IS [bleep] SHORT.
00:11:54ENJOY THAT [bleep].
00:11:55Some of y'all just need to smoke some weed.
00:11:57I know; I see some of y'all.
00:11:59Look, I understand.
00:11:59If you ain't smoking weed 'cause you got a good job, then by all means, make your paper, boo boo.
00:12:04But if you ain't got no job, and you not smoking weed, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep] YOU ARE DOING With your life.
00:12:09I really don't.
00:12:11I really don't.
00:12:12DON'T GIVE ME THAT [bleep] ABOUT, "IT'S A " IT AIN'T NO MOTHER[bleep] DRUG.
00:12:15I done done the research.
00:12:16It's just a plant.
00:12:18It just grow like that, and if you should happen to set it on fire, there are some effects.
00:12:26But that's not the same as drugs.
00:12:28DRUGS, YOU GOT TO DO [bleep] TO IT CHEMICALLY.
00:12:30You got to add baking soda, water, stir it up-- ..
00:12:36THERE'S SOME [bleep] YOU GOT TO DO TO IT.
00:12:38BUT WHY THE [bleep] IT'S ILLEGAL, I DON'T Know.
00:12:41Aspirin is perfectly legal, BUT IF YOU TAKE 13 OF THEM MOTHER[bleep], It'll be your last headache.
00:12:47Long as you been living, you ain't never HEARD OF A MOTHER[bleep] OVERDOSE ON MARIJUANA.
00:12:51YOU MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT THAT [bleep] WAS DEAD; He ain't dead.
00:12:55He gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house.
00:12:59That's the side effects: hungry, happy, sleepy.
00:13:02That's it.
00:13:06Only testifying.
00:13:08I'm just saying.
00:13:09I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOUR LIFE IS [bleep] Up, you need weed.
00:13:12WEED IS PUT ON THIS EARTH FOR [bleep] ON The struggle, [bleep] ON THE GRIND.
00:13:16There is a chemical in weed that's called [bleep].
00:13:21And if you can just get that in your system, it could change your life.
00:13:24Some of y'all be crying about bills you can't pay, just-- "i don't know what I'm gonna do 'bout this light bill.
00:13:29"They don't want-- they want the whole thing.
00:13:31" just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception of what's important in your life.
00:13:38 I don't know what I'm gonna do about this light.
00:13:41[inhales] [bleep] THEM GODDAMN LIGHTS.
00:13:46I got 12 candles.
00:13:47I've been waiting to burn them bitches.
00:13:55Had to be careful, though.
00:13:56Had to be careful, 'cause weed is getting stronger every two weeks.
00:14:01AND THESE [bleep] AIN'T SENDING OUT MEMOS Or bulletins or nothing.
00:14:06THE [bleep] JUST STRONG FOR NO REASON, AND THESE [bleep] THAT SELL THE WEED BE HAPPIER THAN A MOTHER[bleep] TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH STRONGER THIS [bleep] IS THAN THE LAST [bleep].
00:14:14Just soon as they see you just-- "[bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep].
00:14:19"YOU REMEMBER THAT [bleep] I GAVE YOU LAST Week?
00:14:21"[bleep] IS NOTHING.
00:14:22"[bleep] IS NOTHING.
00:14:23"It's nothing.
00:14:24"[bleep], [bleep], IT'S NOTHING.
00:14:26"THIS [bleep] RIGHT HERE, [bleep]-- "THIS [bleep] RIGHT HERE, [bleep], "RIGHT HERE, THIS [bleep], THIS [bleep] HERE, [bleep]?" ALWAYS HAVE SOME [bleep]-UP NAME.
00:14:36IT'S CRYPTO-CHRONI-CUNNI- LIGHT-[bleep].
00:14:41ALWAYS HAVE SOME [bleep]-UP-ASS NAME.
00:14:43[bleep] THIS [bleep] HERE, [bleep], THIS [bleep] HERE, [bleep]?
00:14:46THIS [bleep] IS CALLED DEAD [bleep].
00:14:49You be like, "that don't even sound attractive.
00:14:52"What the-- "you mean I'm gonna hit it and die?
00:14:55[bleep], IS THAT WHAT--" "NO, [bleep], NOT DEATH, DEAF.
00:14:59"YOU HIT THIS [bleep] TWICE [bleep], YOU CAN'T HEAR [bleep]." [laughing] LIKE, I GOT [bleep] TO DO TODAY.
00:15:06WHAT THE [bleep]?
00:15:07Your kids be calling you all day.
00:15:10" [bleep] AROUND TILL MOTHER[bleep].
00:15:21I'm used to smoking some weed and getting the munchies.
00:15:23THIS [bleep] SOLD ME SOME [bleep]-- Had me looking at the refrigerator for three hours.
00:15:27I'm just in the kitchen sitting on the stove, just-- I BET YOU IT AIN'T [bleep] IN THERE.
00:15:40[bleep] I BET YOU.
00:15:41All I'm saying is, you know the weed is too strong WHEN YOU CAN'T DO [bleep] BUT HIT IT AND Look at it.
00:15:46You just in your house, just-- [inhales] MM-MM, [bleep].
00:15:48Mm-mm, something in there.
00:15:49[bleep] THERE'S SOMETHING IN THERE.
00:15:51Well, why is it sparkling, then?
00:15:52Why is it sparkling?
00:19:59WEED WILL HELP YOUR [bleep] ASS, THOUGH.
00:20:00Weed--you have to be careful THAT YOU DON'T SMOKE WEED WITH DUMB[bleep], 'Cause weed make you smart.
00:20:05AIN'T NOTHING WORSE THAN A SMART DUMB[bleep].
00:20:09THERE'S A [bleep] AT YOUR HOUSE SMARTER THAN A DUMB [bleep], JUST SITTING There-- [inhales] Okay, that's the couch, right?
00:20:22[inhales] I can understand why they call it a couch.
00:20:26BUT THIS [bleep] HERE IN [bleep], THIS [bleep] RIGHT HERE [bleep], THIS IS A LOVE SEAT, [bleep].
00:20:35I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love, [bleep].
00:20:37WHAT KIND OF [bleep] IS THAT?
00:20:39[bleep], IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF MY MOTHER[bleep] House-- you have to be careful.
00:20:43WEED WILL MAKE YOU NOTICE [bleep] You ain't supposed to notice.
00:20:45LIKE, I DON'T EVEN GIVE A [bleep] About politics no more 'cause I done figured it out.
00:20:49All of the government is pimps.
00:20:50They all pimps, 'CAUSE PIMPS SAY [bleep] TO YOU AND THEN Don't explain it.
00:20:54That's how our government do.
00:20:55A pimp will have a woman in a car and be like, "GET OUT THERE AND SUCK SOME [bleep].
00:20:58" she don't ask no questions.
00:21:02She just--"i don't know how it's gonna work, "BUT I'M GONNA DO MY [bleep] PART.
00:21:05" THAT'S HOW THE [bleep] OUR GOVERNMENT TREAT Us.
00:21:11JUST TELL US [bleep] THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE.
00:21:13WHAT THE [bleep] ARE WE STILL DOING IN IRAQ?
00:21:16Can somebody tell me?
00:21:17Ain't we killed everybody?
00:21:20That's why I love america.
00:21:21We some goddamn bullies.
00:21:22WE DON'T GIVE A [bleep].
00:21:23We be on cnn like, "say our name, bitch.
00:21:25"Say it. say it three times.
00:21:26"See, we're gonna come over there and kill everybody.
00:21:29"You don't believe we gangsters?
00:21:30"Tell me what the iraqi uniform look like.
00:21:33" 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN THAT [bleep].
00:21:37WE AIN'T KILLING THEY ARMY, MOTHER[bleep].
00:21:40We killing them.
00:21:40WE OVER THERE KILLING [bleep] IN SWEATPANTS, Tank tops, flip-flops, and a cowboy hat.
00:21:45YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN TALKING [bleep].
00:21:50Our government pimps.
00:21:51They get on the news, they act like we ain't even over there killing real people.
00:21:54They never get on the news and say, "today we killed four men, three women, and " THEY USE A WORD [bleep] CAN'T READILY IDENTIFY: " [bleep], WE AT THE HOUSE LIKE, "I DON'T EVEN KNOW NO MOTHER[bleep] INSURGENTS.
00:22:10"YOU CAN KILL ALL THEM MOTHER[bleep].
00:22:12" WEED WILL HELP YOU NOTICE [bleep] LIKE THAT, But you got to be careful with this super-strong weed, 'cause you can't do everything you regularly do.
00:22:24It's easy to get high; it is not easy to get un-high when your baby walk in the room.
00:22:29NOW YOU IN THE HOUSE CLEANING UP [bleep] That don't need to be cleaned.
00:22:33..
00:22:42Your baby be like, "i don't even want nothing no more!
00:22:45"Every time it smell like pinecones in here, " you got to be careful.
00:22:51If you got kids, you gonna have to cut down on your weed consumption.
00:22:54I DON'T GIVE A [bleep] WHAT YOU SAY.
00:22:56It's cool to get high.
00:22:57It is not cool to get high and eat up all your baby's cereal.
00:23:00THAT [bleep] IS NOT COOL.
00:23:01You wake up, your baby already in the kitchen crying, just: [sobs] "Thank god you woke up, daddy.
00:23:08"You remember you done put the cocoa puffs "on top of the frigerator, " now you so embarrassed, YOU GOT TO PLAY IT OFF WITH THE [bleep].
00:23:17You: [bleep] "THEY DAMN SURE AIN'T UP HERE.
00:23:25THEM [bleep] INSURGENTS DONE COME IN OUR ..
00:23:29[laughs] WHY THE [bleep] THEY GIVE ME A CUP BIGGER Than me?
00:23:41[bleep] GONNA CLIMB OUT THE CUP.
00:23:44Just saying you got to be careful.
00:23:46Life is short.
00:23:47ENJOY YOUR MOTHER[bleep] LIFE; DO WHATEVER You can FOR YOUR LIFE TO BE THE [bleep].
00:23:50I DON'T [bleep] WITH [bleep] THAT DON'T KEEP It pushing.
00:23:53YOU GOT TO BE [bleep] WITH [bleep] THAT DOING Better and better and better and better and better.
00:23:57STOP WITH [bleep] WITH [bleep] THAT'S DOING THE SAME [bleep].
00:24:00I DON'T EVEN GO TO [bleep] BIRTHDAY PARTIES IF THEY DOING THE SAME [bleep] THEY WAS DOING Last year.
00:24:04[bleep] NO, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT; SEE YOU, Pimpin'.
00:24:06All I'm saying is, if you been selling weed since 1994 and you ain't bumped up to the cocaine by 2006, [bleep].
00:24:15Maybe you need to be a jehovah witness or a real estate consultant.
00:24:20We trying to get it pushin' around here.
00:24:23LIFE IS TOO MOTHER[bleep] SHORT.
00:24:31Look at all the drug dealers.
00:25:26with sandwiches?
00:25:27 - it takes two to fill me up.
00:25:30Gimme more chicken!
00:25:31♪♪♪
00:25:32- finally! - hello chicken!
00:25:33 - it's got two of everything!
00:25:35- Two pieces of cheese. - two pieces of bacon.
00:25:38And two pieces of chicken!
00:25:40- So long, bun! - ummh huh.
00:25:42Now this is a chicken sandwich.
00:25:43The new kfc double downchicken sandwich.
00:25:45So much 100% premium chicken,we didn't have room for a bun.
00:25:49Try it in original recipeor grilled.
00:25:51Hey colonel, you da man.
00:25:52Unthink and tastethe unhungry side of kfc.
00:26:26] no. not now!
00:26:28[ engine grinding ] [ Male Announcer ] NOTHING'S Worse THAN A DEAD BATTERY. [ Woman ] COME ON! UGH!
00:26:32[ Male Announcer ] AND NOTHING IS MORE RELIABLE [ engines turning over ] Than a duralast battery.
00:26:36Duralast. proven tough.
00:26:38Only at autozone.
00:27:22JUST SAYING, LIVE YOUR MOTHER[bleep] LIFE.
00:27:23YOU GOT TO GET YOUR MOTHER[bleep] HUSTLE.
00:27:25UNDERSTAND [bleep] GONNA HATE YOU REGARDLESS.
00:27:27Get that out of your head, THAT FANTASY WORLD WHERE [bleep] AIN'T HATING On you.
00:27:31You got to be grateful.
00:27:32You need haters.
00:27:33WHAT THE [bleep] IS YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?
00:27:35WHAT THE [bleep] DO YOU THINK A HATER'S JOB Is?
00:27:37TO [bleep] HATE, SO LET THEM MOTHER[bleep] DO THEY GODDAMN Job.
00:27:41WHAT THE [bleep] IS YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?
00:27:43Ladies, if you got 14 women hating on you, YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE [bleep] To get to 16 before the summer get here.
00:27:51WHAT THE [bleep] IS YOU MAD ABOUT?
00:27:55Fellas, if you got 20 haters, YOU NEED 40 OF THEM MOTHER[bleep].
00:27:58What is you complaining about?
00:27:59If there's any haters in here right now that don't have nobody to hate on, feel free to hate on me.
00:28:04Sit back there and say my hair ain't luxurious when you know it is, bitch.
00:28:11Dipset, dipset.
00:28:14I'M ENJOYING MY MOTHER[bleep] LIFE.
00:28:16That's all I'm saying.
00:28:17I advise you to do the same.
00:28:19DO [bleep] THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY.
00:28:20Go out and get you some white friends.
00:28:22GET YOU SOME WHITE MOTHER[bleep] FRIENDS.
00:28:24You ain't got to sleep with them, BUT YOU GONNA NEED THEM MOTHER[bleep].
00:28:27IF YOU GO TO JAIL AND CALL YOUR [bleep] FRIENDS, THESE MOTHER[bleep] WILL INTERROGATE YOU More than the goddamn police did.
00:28:35They'll have your ass on the phone: "WHERE THE [bleep] WAS YOU AT?
00:28:38"WHAT THE [bleep] WAS YOU DOING?
00:28:40WHY THE [bleep] YOU AIN'T CALL ME?" Not your white friends.
00:28:43THEM MOTHER[bleep] WILL BE THERE By the time you hang up the phone.
00:28:45And they'll be madder than you, just-- "WHAT THE [bleep] DID HE DO?
00:28:51"Murder! murdered who?
00:28:52"LOOK, I'VE [bleep] KNOWN HIM FOR TWO WEEKS.
00:28:54HE WOULDN'T [bleep] DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT." Got to love white people.
00:28:58I DON'T GIVE A [bleep] WHAT YOU SAY, White people are friendly.
00:29:01YOU CAN CALL THEM MOTHER[bleep] UP AT 3: 00 In the morning with the wrong number, and they won't even be mad at you.
00:29:06THEY: [imitates ringing phone] "Hello.
00:29:09"No, I'm sorry, no shaquita here.
00:29:11"Well, what number did you dial?
00:29:14"No, it's a nine, not a seven.
00:29:17"Well, try it.
00:29:17"If it doesn't work, call me back.
00:29:19" got to love white people.
00:29:28It's thanks to white people we know anything about wild animals.
00:29:31Do you realize that?
00:29:31[bleep] HAVE NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF [bleep] Discovered a wild animal.
00:29:35Not one.
00:29:36Not a wild pit bull, nothing, 'cause we too cautious.
00:29:39[bleep] DON'T DISCOVER [bleep].
00:29:41WE DON'T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO DISCOVER [bleep].
00:29:44Take no chances.
00:29:45JUST, "WAIT, [bleep], IS THAT A ROTTWEILER Or a bear?
00:29:47[bleep], GO, GO, NO, GO, [bleep], OKAY, GO." White people, though-- let me say this.
00:29:57Y'ALL NEED SOME [bleep] FRIENDS.
00:29:59GET YOU SOME [bleep] FRIENDS.
00:30:00JUST DON'T EVER, EVER CALL THEM YOUR [bleep] Friends.
00:30:03Don't ever-- THAT'LL [bleep] THE RELATIONSHIP UP.
00:30:06"THERE'S MY [bleep] FRIEND.
00:30:09You guys say it all the time.
00:30:11What"-- WHITE PEOPLE, YOU NEED YOUR [bleep] FRIENDS SO THEY CAN TELL YOU WHEN [bleep] IS NOT Appropriate.
00:30:17First of all, white people, please stop putting them little blue leashes on your children.
00:30:22Please?
00:30:23Stop doing that.
00:30:24THAT IS ONLY ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE [bleep].
00:30:26That's all that is.
00:30:27WE BE EXCITED AS A MOTHER[bleep].
00:30:29Look at them. look.
00:30:30[laughs] That's why white kids grow up and kill everybody in the goddamn school, 'cause you done treated them like a german shepard ever since they was three.
00:30:40" LOOK AT [bleep] LAUGHING LIKE WE KNOW WHAT THE [bleep] TO DO WITH OUR KIDS.
00:30:58WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep] TO DO WITH Our kids neither.
00:31:01Look, I know all comics come on stage and say, "you need to beat your kids," but as a father, let me just say publicly, maybe we should stop beating our kids publicly.
00:31:14We are tired of going to the grocery store TO SEE YOU BEAT YOUR MOTHER[bleep] BABIES.
00:31:17Maybe your baby ain't bad, bitch; maybe youse a bad mother.
00:31:20Did you ever think of that, you retarded MOTHER[bleep]?
00:31:23That is a toddler.
00:31:23Your baby's supposed to like skittles, you ignorant bitch.
00:31:32Got to love white people.
00:31:34GOT TO [bleep] LOVE THEM.
00:31:34BUT WHITE PEOPLE YOUR [bleep] FRIENDS-- They can help you.
00:31:38Where my spanish people at?
00:31:39Where the spanish people?
00:31:40We ought to thank all 17 of y'all for coming.
00:31:43We appreciate that.
00:31:45I KNOW MOST OF YOU MOTHER[bleep] ROLL TOGETHER.
00:31:47Y'ALL [bleep] ARE EFFICIENT.
00:31:49You ever seen them come to a club?
00:31:51THERE BE 39 OF THEM MOTHER[bleep] In the same car, just-- like, bitch, that is a ford focus.
00:32:07HOW MANY MOTHER[bleep] IS IN THERE?
00:32:18But you need your spanish friends.
00:32:21DON'T NOBODY PARTY LIKE THEM MOTHER[bleep].
00:32:23NOBODY IN THE WORLD PARTY LIKE THEM MOTHER[bleep], 'CAUSE THEY DON'T NEED [bleep] THAT [bleep] Need.
00:32:28They don't need invitations or streamers or balloons or nothing.
00:32:32THEM MOTHER[bleep] ONLY NEED A FRONT YARD AND SOME MOTHER[bleep] CORONA AND THEM MOTHER[bleep].
00:32:41[bleep] CAN'T EVEN GO TO THEY PARTIES, 'Cause they don't never end.
00:32:45[bleep] YOU HAVE A PARTY LAST 3 1/2 MOTHER[bleep] Months.
00:32:48JUST GOT [bleep] IN THERE HOSTAGE, JUST-- "I want to go home.
00:32:59[bleep] THIS IS [bleep]." SPANISH PEOPLE, YOU GOT TO GET YOU SOME [bleep] Friends too SO THEY CAN TELL YOU WHEN [bleep] IS NOT Appropriate.
00:33:09We are tired of going to the laundromat to see you in there.
00:33:13Your baby girl is all of seven years old.
00:33:16This bitch has on a wedding dress and soccer shoes.
00:33:19WHERE THE [bleep] IS SHE GOING?
00:33:22Is she marrying bleach?
00:33:24This bitch-- all I'm saying, spanish people, is, if you are pushing a stroller through the mall and your child's feet can touch the ground out the stroller, let littleesewalk then.
00:33:45THIS MOTHER[bleep]'S 13 GODDAMN YEARS OLD With a cigarette and a sidekick.
00:33:51" I I've got some catchphrases that'll make these savings even more memorable.
00:35:51..
00:35:53 now that's ..?
00:35:55Boss: how 'bout this?
00:35:58..they're the bee's knees?
00:35:59Boss: or this?
00:36:02 sir, how 'bout just "fifteen minutes could save you " ha, yeah, good luck with that catching on!
00:36:08 fifteen minutescould save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
00:37:31All I'm saying is, life is too short for racism.
00:37:33WE ALL GOT [bleep] PROBLEMS.
00:37:34But we can learn.
00:37:36We can learn.
00:37:36JUST [bleep] JUST [bleep] THAT.
00:37:39Just don't try to do everything with your white friends.
00:37:44Don't get drunk with your white friends.
00:37:47Can't do it.
00:37:48CAN'T [bleep] DO IT.
00:37:49THEY DON'T DRINK LIKE [bleep].
00:37:51We are very consistent.
00:37:52IF A [bleep] DRINK HENNESSEY, THAT'S WHAT THE [bleep] THAT [bleep] DRINK.
00:37:55That's what he drink: hennessey.
00:37:56You ain't got to keep asking him.
00:37:57That's what he drink on monday, wednesday, friday, his birthday, jesus' birthday: hennessey.
00:38:04If they don't have hennessey, he will take remy as a backup.
00:38:08That's as far as it goes.
00:38:10White people don't care what they drink.
00:38:13All they care about is what they said when they was leaving the house.
00:38:16"TONIGHT WE'RE GETTING [bleep] UP!" THAT'S ALL THE [bleep] THEY CARE ABOUT.
00:38:25THEM MOTHER[bleep], YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL, 'Cause they tricky.
00:38:28White people like to buy the drink.
00:38:31AS A [bleep], WE ARE NOT PREPARED To turn down a free goddamn drink.
00:38:35WE DON'T GIVE A [bleep] WHAT IT IS.
00:38:36Like, "this is unleaded?
00:38:38"THAT'S SPICIER THAN A MOTHER[bleep].
00:38:41" I had to find out the hard way.
00:38:45I'm drinking with some white people.
00:38:46They're buying me these goddamn drinks.
00:38:48[bleep] WAS DELICIOUS.
00:38:49It was called sambuca, and I should have known.
00:38:51That don't even sound like NO [bleep] SHOULD BE DRINKING ANY GODDAMN Way.
00:38:55Sound like one of my african cousins or some [bleep].
00:38:58BUT THE [bleep] WAS DELICIOUS, But it was coffee and alcohol together.
00:39:02I was knocking them bitches back.
00:39:04IT WASN'T TILL I GOT [bleep] UP THAT I REALIZED ..
00:39:10Maybe this is not the right combination of [bleep] FOR A [bleep] TO BE [bleep] UP ON, 'CAUSE NOW I'M [bleep] UP.
00:39:17I'M AT THE HOUSE, AND [bleep] IS [bleep] Up, but I can't pass out.
00:39:21I'M JUST IN THE HOUSE, "HI, I'M [bleep] UP.
00:39:23"NO, I'M COOL, [bleep].
00:39:24"I'M COOL, [bleep] I'M COOL.
00:39:26"[bleep] THAT.
00:39:29" we got to start having fun like white people have fun, though.
00:39:35We be thinking white people can't dance.
00:39:37WHITE PEOPLE BE TOO [bleep] UP TO DANCE.
00:39:40THAT'S HOW [bleep] USED TO DO.
00:39:41Remember we used to go to the club AND HAVE FUN AND [bleep]?
00:39:44[bleep] USED TO GO AND HAVE FUN?
00:39:45We can't have fun now.
00:39:46[bleep]'S IN THE CLUB WATCHING OTHER [bleep], JUST WAITING ON SOME [bleep] TO POP OFF.
00:39:50Get real high and go to the club next time, 'CAUSE THAT [bleep] IN YOUR SYSTEM WILL HELP You out.
00:39:55Just go in the club and make up your own MOTHER[bleep] DANCE And see how much fun your goddamn ass have WHILE MOTHER[bleep] WATCHING YOU.
00:40:03[boisterous music starts] Yeah, like when that song come on, just walk in the club.
00:40:09Get real high and walk in AND [bleep] YOUR OWN DANCE, JUST-- I'm just saying have some fun in your life.
00:41:02Life is short.
00:41:28Can I do it one time for the folk?
00:41:30One time for the folk.
00:41:32Can I get a yea-ah?
00:41:34(audience) YEA-AH!
00:41:35Can I get a yea-ah?
00:41:37(audience) YEA-AH!
00:41:38Can I get a what?
00:41:39(audience) WHAT?
00:41:40Can I get a what?
00:41:42(audience) WHAT!
00:41:43Well, let me get an okay!
00:41:45(audience) OKAY!
00:41:47Atl, ho!
00:42:00You got to go in a jam listening to that [bleep] MUSIC.
00:42:02THAT [bleep] MUSIC GETS YOU [bleep] UP.
00:42:06Be in a room full of strangers talking about, "[bleep] THEM [bleep] ON THE SOUTH SIDE.
00:42:14"[bleep] WHERE'S MY COMPASS?
00:42:16"Where's my compass?
00:42:18.." I want a product withthe best decongestant.
00:43:24My choice is clear:claritin-d.
00:43:26(announcer)NOTHING WORKS STRONGER, FASTER, Or longer to relieve your worstallergy symptoms, including congestion,without drowsiness.
00:43:32Get claritin-d at thepharmacy counter.
00:43:34Live claritin clear.
00:44:38JUST SAYING YOU GOT TO ENJOY YOUR [bleep] Life.
00:44:40LIFE IS TOO [bleep] SHORT FOR [bleep].
00:44:42I'm in hollywood now.
00:44:43I'M FINDING OUT MOST OF THE [bleep] I thought was real ain't even real.
00:44:47I met dmx nine months ago.
00:44:49THIS [bleep] IS TWO INCHES TALLER THAN ME.
00:44:52I DON'T KNOW WHY THE [bleep] I THOUGHT THAT [bleep] WAS 6'12" OR SOMETHING.
00:44:56THAT [bleep] IS MY SIZE.
00:44:57Yeah, he really talk like that.
00:44:59We in the restaurant, he: "Hell, bitch!
00:45:01" "[bleep], WHY ARE YOU HOLLERING?
00:45:08WE IN A RESTAURANT, [bleep]." YOU KNOW THAT [bleep] WENT TO SCHOOL, COULDN'T Cheat at all.
00:45:15Just, "hell, bitch, what's the answer to " [barking] "[bleep], YOU NEED TO BE IN THE SPECIAL CLASS.
00:45:22WHAT THE [bleep]?" I met omarion.
00:45:31THIS [bleep] IS THE KING OF DANCING FOR A MOTHER[bleep] REASON.
00:45:34'Cause all while you trying to talk TO THIS SIMPLE MOTHER[bleep], He is practicing his goddamn dance moves.
00:45:40I'm trying to have a conversation, AND THIS [bleep]-- " "TOUCH WHAT, [bleep]?
00:45:48This is--" I met shaquille o'neal.
00:45:53I WAS SO MOTHER[bleep] HAPPY TO MEET THAT [bleep].
00:45:55THEN I FIND OUT I CAN'T BE THIS [bleep] FRIEND In public, 'CAUSE HE JUST TOO MOTHER[bleep] TALL.
00:46:00HOW THE [bleep]?
00:46:00Look, I'm trying to congratulate you on a good game, AND YOU GOT YOUR [bleep] ALL ON MY FOREHEAD Region.
00:46:17THIS IS BULL[bleep].
00:46:23At least if you in the atl AND [bleep] ARE DOING DRUGS IN THE ATL, [bleep] AT LEAST EXCUSE YOURSELF.
00:46:30GO TO THE BATHROOM OR SOME [bleep].
00:46:31[bleep] IN HOLLYWOOD JUST DO THE DRUGS RIGHT In front of you AND ACT LIKE AIN'T [bleep] HAPPENED.
00:46:35You in the middle of a goddamn meeting, they, "yeah, so what we're gonna do is, "we're gonna do the movie with you, .." "[bleep] DID YOU KNOW THAT I CAN SEE YOU?
00:46:51"[bleep], YOU RIGHT THERE. IT'S ON YOUR NOSE.
00:46:54[bleep] WHAT?" [bleep] BE GAY IN HOLLYWOOD, YOU NEVER [bleep] Expect it.
00:47:04They be having these big-ass mansion parties.
00:47:06In the mansion party, the whole mansion is a party, and then it's a separate party in the little rooms.
00:47:11I ain't been famous that goddamn long.
00:47:12I'M EXCITED THAN A [bleep] TO BE AT THE MANSION Party.
00:47:15You be looking at all the goddamn rooms, AND YOU [bleep] AROUND AND LOOK IN THE WRONG ROOM AND [bleep].
00:47:33"Come here.
00:47:34"Come here.
00:47:36"IS THAT TWO [bleep] KISSING?
00:47:38IS ONE OF THEM [bleep] PROFESSOR OVI?" "He came out the closet.
00:47:46"He came out the closet.
00:47:47" " all I'm saying is, our country is in turmoil right now.
00:48:01REAL [bleep] VERSUS BITCH [bleep].
00:48:03AND BITCH [bleep] IS GETTING STRONGER THAN A [bleep].
00:48:06THESE [bleep] GOT POWER AND [bleep].
00:48:08Understand that the game ain't the same.
00:48:10Martha stewart and lil kim both had to go to prison, to prison.
00:48:16Now, let's look at the crime.
00:48:17[bleep] THEM, LOOK AT THE CRIME.
00:48:19Martha stewart, this was her crime: The bitch had her money in an account.
00:48:22A [bleep] CAME UP TO HER AND WAS LIKE, "PSST, Psst.
00:48:27"Martha, if you don't move your money, " AND SHE MOVED HER MOTHER[bleep] MONEY.
00:48:35Now, maybe in a white family's household, this is a felony, BUT TO [bleep], THIS IS A MOTHER[bleep] HOOKUP.
00:48:41AND [bleep] IS GOING TO JAIL OVER A HOOKUP.
00:48:49Lil kim went to jail for not snitching.
00:48:54Give you that one more again: Not snitching, for doing what your mama told you to do.
00:48:59Didn't your mama ever say, "STOP TATTLE-TELLING ALL THE MOTHER[bleep] Time, lil-- " THAT'S WHAT THE [bleep] SHE WENT TO PRISON For.
00:49:06Meanwhile michael jackson is freer than a [bleep], SMELLING LIKE LITTLE BOYS' BOOTY [bleep] And I'm supposed to be excited.
00:49:16[bleep] MICHAEL.
00:49:17I know, I'm supposed to be happy 'cause he used to be black.
00:49:20I know, I know.
00:49:21I remember.
00:49:22[bleep] THAT.
00:49:23MICHAEL FORGOT HE WAS A [bleep].
00:49:25HE FORGOT HE WAS A [bleep].
00:49:26HE FORGOT HE WAS A [bleep], That it was us supporting him.
00:49:29When he had that big-ass, greasy-ass, bell pepper-ass nose, that was us.
00:49:34THEN THE [bleep] WANT TO GET WHITE, AND WE KEPT GIVING HIM [bleep] CHANCES, AND [bleep] WITH THE VITILIGO [bleep].
00:49:39YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T NO REAL GODDAMN [bleep].
00:49:41WHAT [bleep] YOU KNOW CALLED VITILIGO?
00:49:43IT'D BE A LINE AS BIG AS A [bleep] TO CATCH Vitiligo.
00:49:46You mean, I can get my credit rating up to 720 BY CATCHING THIS [bleep]?
00:49:51[bleep] MICHAEL.
00:49:52[bleep] HIM, [bleep] HIM.
00:49:53I DON'T GIVE A [bleep] HOW GOOD YOU CAN SING And dance.
00:49:56I GOT BABIES, YOU NASTY MOTHER[bleep].
00:49:58YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH LITTLE BOYS' BOOTY [bleep].
00:50:00And some of y'all looking at me, like, "i can't believe you saying that.
00:50:04" [bleep] A SETUP.
00:50:05DON'T NOBODY SAY THE SAME [bleep] ABOUT YOU For 20 goddamn years.
00:50:09WHAT THE [bleep] ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
00:50:11IF A [bleep] CALL YOU A CRACKHEAD FOR 20 Years, bitch, you are smoking crack.
00:50:16Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, "