Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny   View more episodes

Aired at 09:00 PM on Sunday, Jul 11, 2010 (7/11/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:00Good year for y'all, though, right now.
00:00:02Got--before I even get started, shouts out-- >> kevin!
00:00:05>> Hey, sugarfoot.
00:00:05How you doing?
00:00:07How you doing, sweetie?
00:00:09Get it out now before we get started.
00:00:10Shouts out to my man shaq up front showing love, the cavs.
00:00:17My man lebron in the house.
00:00:18Shout to your boy lebron in the house.
00:00:21[cheers and applause] It's a good year for y'all, a good year for y'all.
00:00:26Y'all might do it.
00:00:27Y'all might do it.
00:00:30All right, look, y'all got me up here for a while,out an hour.
00:00:35I'm gonna be up here about an hour.
00:00:36Now, in this time, y'all are gonna hear a lot of stuff.
00:00:38I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
00:00:39Don't judge me.
00:00:40I don't want nobody judging me.
00:00:42I love to be honest when I'm onstage, man.
00:00:44I talk about things that I know: My family, my kids.
00:00:47I love to talk about my babies.
00:00:48 a little boy, a little girl.
00:00:49Now, I used to talk about my son being a dumb baby.
00:00:51I used to.
00:00:54No, I'm serious. I did.
00:00:54I thought my baby was a dumb baby.
00:00:56But've realized he's not dumb.
00:00:57HE JUST DOES DUMB [bleep].
00:00:58Like, I don't--i don't like the way my son throws his tantrums.
00:01:02You know, when a baby throw a tantrum, he's supposed to fall out, cry, roll on the ground.
00:01:05That's a tantrum.
00:01:06It's not a joke.
00:01:07This is for real.
00:01:08This is what my son does when he gets mad.
00:01:10I'm not lying.
00:01:10Don't make me laugh.
00:01:11Look, this is what he do.
00:01:13..
00:01:16This is what he do.
00:01:17..
00:01:18Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah.
00:01:22It's the most retarded thing I've ever seen in my life.
00:01:25I can't say nothing.
00:01:26I got to wait till he's finished and explain to people what happened.
00:01:29He got an attitude, because he can't get no candy.
00:01:32" the baby is weird, man.
00:01:35When he get mad, he gets in the oven.
00:01:37I swear to god.
00:01:38He gets in the oven and get an attitude with me when I get him out.
00:01:42"Boy, get your ass out " " "get your ass out the oven " when I say that, he go, "hot, hot.
00:01:53" I love him to death, though, man.
00:01:58Two: little boy, little girl.
00:01:59Now, my daughter--my daughter's a different ball game.
00:02:01My daughter's spoiled, man, about to be five, spoiled.
00:02:03I'm not gonna lie.
00:02:04I spoil her.
00:02:05That's what I'm supposed to do.
00:02:06She's at that age now, though, where she knows.
00:02:08Like, she know how to play me and her mom against each other.
00:02:10She know how to make us fight.
00:02:11Here's how she got me in trouble the other day, right?
00:02:13She came in the room.
00:02:14She hit me with the soft voice.
00:02:15She was like, "dad, can I have " I said, "yeah, baby, come on, " I start walking towards the kitchen.
00:02:21Out of nowhere, all I hear is, "don't give her no goddamned " SCARED THE [bleep] OUT OF ME.
00:02:27I stopped.
00:02:29I didn't know what it was.
00:02:30I thought it was jesus at first.
00:02:32..
00:02:33Why can't she have a cookie, jesus?
00:02:34What did she do?
00:02:36See, but here's how smart she is.
00:02:38She knew how to get a reaction out of me.
00:02:39She looked at me.
00:02:40She said, "dad, I thought you " when she said that, it set me off.
00:02:44It riled me up, so I snapped.
00:02:46I SAID, "WHAT THE [bleep] You mean, she can't have no goddamned cookie?
00:02:49Well, why'd you buy the cookies if can't nobody eat a cookie?
00:02:52Well, that makes you stupid for buying uneatable cookies.
00:02:54" I shut the whole cookie operation down.
00:02:57I grabbed the cookies, got my ladder, put them on top of the refrigerator.
00:03:00Then I hid my ladder.
00:03:02It's not a-- it wasn't a big ladder.
00:03:04It was a-- three steps.
00:03:06It was a ladder for thugs, pat-pat-pat, real quick, a little--a little thug ladder.
00:03:13It's a lot of pressure dealing with kids, man, but I'm learning.
00:03:16Here's one thing I've learned.
00:03:17Here's why my patience is getting better.
00:03:18 my kids are gonna make mistakes.
00:03:21 when I was a kid, I made mistakes.
00:03:24I did a lot of stupid stuff as a child.
00:03:25My blood's in them.
00:03:26They're gonna follow suit.
00:03:28With that being said, I don't get as mad as I used to.
00:03:30I'm calming down.
00:03:31My daughter cursed for the first time the other day.
00:03:33I didn't get mad.
00:03:34We was watchingspongebob, right?
00:03:36Something happened to patrick.
00:03:37Out of nowhere, she got mad.
00:03:38SHE WAS LIKE, "[bleep]." I said, "wait, what?
00:03:42" SHE WAS LIKE, "[bleep], THEY Got patrick, dad.
00:03:45" " here's why I didn't get an attitude.
00:03:52I'm gonna tell you why I didn't get an attitude, okay?
00:03:54I didn't get an attitude, because I remember my first time cussing.
00:03:57My first time cussing was because my mom smacked me in front of company.
00:04:00My friends was over at my house.
00:04:01I'm downstairs.
00:04:02We playing.
00:04:03We having a good time.
00:04:03My mom come downstairs.
00:04:04She said, "hey, I told you to keep it down.
00:04:06You don't run this house.
00:04:07I do, okay?
00:04:09With that being said, that's it.
00:04:10You're done.
00:04:11" mm, smacked me.
00:04:13Sent me up to my room.
00:04:14Now, you know when you get smacked, when you're a kid, you get hyped.
00:04:16When you get by yourself, "you gonna smack me, bitch?
00:04:21In front of my friends?
00:04:24You gonna smack me in front " I was emotional.
00:04:28I was an emotional-ass kid.
00:04:31"I'm running away.
00:04:32" I packed a bag and everything.
00:04:35You know how many times I packed a bag with a toy?
00:04:39I packed a bag with one toy.
00:04:40"I'm out.
00:04:41I'm sick of it.
00:04:42" my mom gave--my mom gave me permission to cuss one time.
00:04:52One time, she gave me permission to cuss.
00:04:54I'm in school.
00:04:54I'm being bad.
00:04:55My teacher got mad and said, " told me come to the front of the class, wrote a note, stapled the note to my chest, said, "make " I get home.
00:05:04My mom reads the note.
00:05:05The note said, "maybe if you showed your son some more attention at home, he wouldn't act like a fool in school," right?
00:05:11My mom read the note.
00:05:12She said, "let me tell you something.
00:05:14You tell her, mind her damn business before I come down there " I said, "okay, do you want me to say it like that, or do you " "what did I say?
00:05:26Tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and " I said, "no, I heard what you said.
00:05:33I just wanted to make sure that you know that you're telling me " "kevin, if I tell you again, I'M GONNA SMACK THE [bleep] " "okay, no, I got it.
00:05:40Okay, I got it.
00:05:41I got it.
00:05:42Okay, I got it.
00:05:43No, I got it.
00:05:44" keep in mind, this is a lot of pressure, all right?
00:05:48My mom just gave me permission to go to school to cuss my teacher out.
00:05:51I didn't feel comfortable with the situation, so I wanted to practice.
00:05:53I wanted to go upstairs.
00:05:54I wanted to go over my lines.
00:05:56So I'm in the mirror.
00:05:58I'm going over my lines.
00:05:59I'm like, "okay, all right.
00:06:00Okay, all right, okay.
00:06:03My mom told me to tell you .." no, that's too loud.
00:06:08That's way too loud.
00:06:10That's not believable.
00:06:11It's too loud.
00:06:12Finally, I go over it.
00:06:14I get it down.
00:06:14I'm like, "you know what?
00:06:15I'm gonna go to bed early, get some rest, because I've got a big day ahead of me tomorrow.
00:06:19I don't really want to mess " so I go to bed.
00:06:23I wake up, get dressed, put on my pants and my shirt.
00:06:25I get on the school bus.
00:06:26All my friends see me.
00:06:27They get hyped.
00:06:28"Ohhh, kevin's on the bus.
00:06:30Everybody look.
00:06:31Kev on the bus.
00:06:32" I was like, "yo, not today, y'all.
00:06:35I've got a lot of stuff on my mind.
00:06:37I can't really have y'all " and my friend was like, " I said, "i can't really get into it.
00:06:43All I can tell y'all is that " " I said, "look, man, it's about to go down.
00:06:49Just be behind me when I walk in " " I walk in class.
00:06:53Miss green, my teacher, she starts speaking to everybody.
00:06:56"Hello.
00:06:57Good morning.
00:06:58Good morning.
00:06:58Hello.
00:06:59Hello.
00:07:00" she see me, she was like, " " she said, "did you let your " " she said, "well, what did your " I took a deep breath.
00:07:12I looked at my friends.
00:07:13I was like, "it's about to go " I said, "well, uh, my mom told me to tell you TO MIND YOUR DAMN MOTHER[bleep] Business, bitch.
00:07:27Little, stupid bitch.
00:07:29Little, dumb teaching bitch.
00:07:32Two-plus-two, not-knowing-what- THE-[bleep]-IT-IS BITCH.
00:07:35Cross-eyed crying-down-your-back fat-foot-ass bitch, long-tittied, " THE [bleep] THAT WAS CRAZY, My friends was in the background.
00:07:47They was like, "ohhh.
00:07:50He said she ain't have no " I got suspended.
00:07:57I got suspended and an ass-whuppin'.
00:08:00MY MOM BEAT THE [bleep] OUT OF Me when I got home.
00:08:02"I told you to say two cuss words.
00:08:04You said 76 of them."whoo!
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00:11:02>> You can't be so hard on your kids, man.
00:11:04One of my friends got a teenage daughter.
00:11:06He too strict.
00:11:07I told him, I said, "you got to relax.
00:11:09That girl gonna do what she want to do when you're not around anyway.
00:11:11" he said, "kev, let me tell you something.
00:11:14Do what you want to do with your kids.
00:11:15Don't tell me how to raise " I said, "you're right.
00:11:17" now, this isn't funny, but it made me laugh, okay?
00:11:21He goes through his daughter's phone.
00:11:23He found a picture of a little boy's thing on the phone, right?
00:11:27Now, this is my friend, okay?
00:11:29He tells me everything.
00:11:30It's not funny that he found a picture of a little boy's thing on the phone.
00:11:33It was funny the way he told me, because he confides in me.
00:11:36He tells me everything.
00:11:37He comes on the tour bus.
00:11:38HE MAD AS [bleep].
00:11:39He's like, "kev, you ain't gonna believe this.
00:11:40I go through tiffany's phone, and I found a picture of a little boy's, uh, situation " " "i found a picture of the hot dog without the bun " "what are you"-- "a tallynackle.
00:11:55SHE HAD--IT'S A [bleep] ON The phone.
00:11:57SHE GOT A [bleep] ON THE PHONE." I didn't know what to say, so I just kept repeating what he said.
00:12:03I said, "so you tellin' me IT'S A [bleep] ON THE PHONE." HE SAID, "IT'S A [bleep] ON THE " I said, "so right now, if I look on the phone, there's gonna be A [bleep] IN IT." I said, "well, what you gonna " he said, "what you think I'm gonna do?
00:12:13" I said, "why are you going to " he said, "why you think?
00:12:15I'm about to find out whose [bleep] IT WAS.
00:12:17That's why I'm going to the " I said, "yo, I don't think that's a good look.
00:12:21I don't--i don't think you should do that.
00:12:23I don't think you should go to the school with a picture of A LITTLE BOY'S [bleep] IN THE Phone and try to match it up to other little boys.
00:12:29That--that's a little pedophileish, don't you think?
00:12:31Like, you'll--you'll be in jail " he said, "well, what would you " by far, the most difficult question I've ever been asked in my life.
00:12:39" and I thought about it.
00:12:41I was like, "i don't know.
00:12:42I don't know what I would do if I found a picture of a little boy's thing on my daughter's phone.
00:12:45" I'd probably punch her in the throat.
00:12:48I really don't--i don't know, because I've got a son too, okay?
00:12:50And if I found out that my son was pulling his thing out in school, when his mother's around, I'm gonna have an attitude.
00:12:55I'm gonna have a lot of stuff to say.
00:12:56"Really?
00:12:57Really, dude?
00:13:00That's what you do in school?
00:13:02So you don't need pants, 'CAUSE YOUR [bleep] IS OUT.
00:13:04" as soon as his mom leave, "hey, come here.
00:13:08What did she say when she saw it?
00:13:11Give me some.
00:13:11Give me some.
00:13:12Yes.
00:13:13Hell, yeah.
00:13:14Sometimes you got to put it on the table, son.
00:13:16Let 'em see it.
00:13:17We small, but we big at the same time.
00:13:19" I'm a different type of parent.
00:13:25I am a different type of parent.
00:13:28I'm not gonna lie.
00:13:29Certain things I do differently.
00:13:31I don't like babysitting.
00:13:32I can admit that.
00:13:33I don't like watching my kids by myself.
00:13:35Too much pressure.
00:13:37No man does.
00:13:38No man in this room is a good babysitter.
00:13:40I can tell you how every man in this room watches kids.
00:13:43All we do, we sit on the couch AND LISTEN FOR [bleep].
00:13:47That's how we watch our kids.
00:13:49Kids do whatever they want when they're with dad.
00:13:50" "i know y'all are not in that toilet.
00:14:03Y'all better not be in that " we ain't gonna do nothing.
00:14:10I definitely don't watch-- I definitely don't like watching other people's kids.
00:14:14It's too much pressure.
00:14:15There's nothing worse than watching somebody else's baby, and you give them their baby back in a condition that they didn't give you that baby in.
00:14:22Like, you ever have to explain something to somebody before they see their baby?
00:14:24"Hey, real quick, before you look at your baby, let me ask you something.
00:14:27Uh, your baby had two eyes for sure, right?
00:14:30Okay, so what happened here, um, long story short, gas went off in the kitchen and blew the back of your baby's face out.
00:14:37It was crazy.
00:14:38My baby knew what to do.
00:14:39He got in the oven.
00:14:39Your baby just stood there.
00:14:41Y'all don't run in your house?
00:14:42" I had one little girl get hurt over at my house, scariest thing ever, man, one little girl, right?
00:14:51My daughter got real big bunk beds.
00:14:53I'm in the living room.
00:14:54I'm watching tv.
00:14:56Her and her friends, they're in the room playing.
00:14:57Out of nowhere, I hear a loud bang.
00:14:59Bap!
00:15:00The little girl start crying.
00:15:01"Ah.
00:15:02" I come in the room, right?
00:15:07All the girls are standing around her.
00:15:08They're all standing around her.
00:15:09One girl is on her knee looking at her, face-to-face.
00:15:12This is what almost made me laugh.
00:15:14When I came in the room, the girl looked at me, and she " but I can't laugh, because I'm in daddy mode, and I've got to figure out what happened.
00:15:21So I go to my daughter.
00:15:21It's her room, and she's responsible.
00:15:23I said, "heaven, come here.
00:15:24Come here.
00:15:25It's your room.
00:15:26You're responsible.
00:15:27" it's very hard to take a kid out of play mode.
00:15:31Like, when kids are playing, THEY DON'T KNOW THAT [bleep] Just got real.
00:15:35Like, they--they don't know, so in her mind, it's still a game.
00:15:39" this is what my daughter did.
00:15:41She was like, "ho!
00:15:44Daddy!
00:15:45" you ever see kids do that shake [bleep]?
00:15:49[screeches] "What is wrong with--stop.
00:15:52Stop shaking your face.
00:15:53Stop.
00:15:55" this is the story my baby told me.
00:15:57She said, "we got monsters, daddy.
00:16:00There's a bunch of monsters in here.
00:16:01The prince came out and told us to get in the castle.
00:16:03The castle was at the top of the bunk bed.
00:16:05When we got up there, there was too many people in the castle, ..
00:16:10Somebody had to go.
00:16:14We took a vote, and she lost.
00:16:15" " madduxloves everyone how drivers can get discountsup to 40 percent.
00:16:38I --your neighbors can tell you, too.
00:16:39Chances are they're some ofstate farm's 40 million drivers.
00:16:43My --so talk to them.
00:16:44Then call a state farmagent like carrie.
00:16:47Call me.
00:18:04[ Joey ] WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU About this "dedicated claims rep" thing.
00:18:08..
00:18:09Calling yourselves "dedicated"?
00:18:11We're all dedicated, okay?
00:18:12The entire web site team worked late every night this week.
00:18:15Look at sanjeev. he's a mess!
00:18:17..
00:18:17Guys, we' called dedicated claims reps because we each stay with an esuranccustomer throughout the automobile claims process.
00:18:23It's not because we tnk we work harder than you.
00:18:25Well, you don't.
00:18:28[ Sanjeev ] AM I A MESS?
00:18:29[ Joey ] YOU SLEPT IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
00:18:30[ Male Announcer ] CALL TODAYOR GO TO ESURANCE.COM.
00:19:445=Ñçmç >> My biggest fear is getting knocked out in front of my babies.
00:20:24That's a fear, man.
00:20:26As a dad, what do you do?
00:20:27What do you do when your kids come get you?
00:20:29" " " as a dad, you've got to go whip whoever "them" ass is.
00:20:36That's your job as a dad.
00:20:37What do you do when you go down there and get your ass whipped?
00:20:40What do you say?
00:20:41What do you say to your kids?
00:20:43" " " "stay right here.
00:20:46HEY, MOTHER[bleep]-- Come on. come on.
00:20:51Let's go.
00:20:52THESE [bleep] ARE REAL.
00:20:54Let's go.
00:20:56Hurry up.
00:20:56Get in the car.
00:20:59Was that a kid?
00:21:01Was that a kid?
00:21:03When we get home, I'm whippin' your ass for putting me in that situation.
00:21:06I had nothing to do with that.
00:21:08I woke up this morning as a christian.
00:21:11" [laughs] It's a different ball game.
00:21:23See, me, I'm gonna be honest with you guys, man.
00:21:25I'm not that guy.
00:21:26I'm not a fighter, man.
00:21:28I'm not.
00:21:29I won't act like I am.
00:21:31I won't.
00:21:32Seen too many bad things happen.
00:21:34I saw my dad get knocked out one time.
00:21:36I was 13, traumatized me.
00:21:38This guy hit my dad twice in the same spot, mm-mm, quick as hell, quickest two punches I've ever seen in my life.
00:21:44I've never seen anything like it.
00:21:45Bop-bop.
00:21:46Hit my dad so fast, in the middle of the fight, my dad stopped fighting and asked me what happened, in the middle of the fight.
00:21:50In the middle of the fight, it was like, bop-bop.
00:21:52"[bleep].
00:21:53Hey, kevin.
00:21:54" " " "it's only y'all two out here, dad.
00:22:03Ain't nobody else out here " "so you're telling me he that fast.
00:22:06They not jumping me?
00:22:06" "no, no, ain't nobody jumping you.
00:22:10" "well, he must be a octopus, because I saw a lot of stuff " "really?
00:22:17Really, dad, an octopus?
00:22:19That's what you just fought, a human octopus?
00:22:22" when my dad called another grown-ass man an octopus, that was the day that he stopped being my dad.
00:22:28I lost all respect.
00:22:30He didn't understand that, though.
00:22:31He was still trying to discipline me around the house.
00:22:33"Kevin, hey, didn't I tell you to get the trash out?
00:22:35Get up, get the trash out " "shut up.
00:22:40Shut up.
00:22:41You get the trash out before I get steve to come over here and put his damn hands on you " "oh, oh, oh, you gonna get steve, huh?
00:22:51You are something else.
00:22:52You know that?
00:22:53You are something else.
00:22:54Give me the trash.
00:22:55I'll take the trash out.
00:22:57" he didn't want to see steve again.
00:23:00STEVE BEAT THE [bleep] OUT OF My dad.
00:23:03See, here's why I don't fight, man, because you don't know what people are capable of now.
00:23:07Too many people know too many different things.
00:23:09I'm serious.
00:23:10You know what I'm scared of?
00:23:11Ufc fighters.
00:23:12You know why?
00:23:13Because they're real.
00:23:15That is not a game, people.
00:23:17They are here.
00:23:18They exist.
00:23:19THEY KNOW [bleep].
00:23:21Touch a pressure point and shut your whole body down.
00:23:23Bow.
00:23:25It's a wrap.
00:23:25" " "i can't.
00:23:28..
00:23:30Everything is shut down.
00:23:31I don't know what he did, everything.
00:23:32" you know who are gonna be the ones to get their asses whipped by these guys?
00:23:38Thugs.
00:23:39I'm gonna tell you why.
00:23:40Because, thugs, y'all don't know how to just fight, man.
00:23:43Thugs always got to give you a speech before they fight.
00:23:45You ever see how long it take a thug to fight?
00:23:47He got to give you his whole background before he fight.
00:23:49Take too long.
00:23:50"YEAH, REAL [bleep], ALL DAY.
00:23:53Just me by myself on the block holdin' it down, gun on my waist, straight face, all day, not a game, in jail, by myself, one bed, no pillowcase, one pillow.
00:24:06Didn't nobody write me.
00:24:07It was early, woke up, went back to sleep, took a nap.
00:24:10You ever go night-night, [bleep]?
00:24:12You ever go night-night, [bleep]?
00:24:13Everybody go night-night, [bleep]." "What?
00:24:18What does this have to do with the fight?
00:24:20" " " these guys are gonna be the ones, man.
00:24:30Everybody can't be a thug.
00:24:32Everybody cannot be a thug, man.
00:24:34I can stand tv thugs.
00:24:36You know what a tv thug is?
00:24:38Those are the guys that do what they see on tv all day, every day, all day, every day.
00:24:42You ever see those guys?
00:24:43"YEAH, [bleep].
00:24:43WHAT, [bleep]?" ..
00:24:45You ever seen them dancin' thugs get out the car?
00:24:47"[bleep], WHAT, [bleep], ..
00:24:49[bleep], IT AIN'T A GAME.
00:24:50[bleep] GAME AROUND HERE?
00:24:51[bleep], AIN'T NO GAME." I don't like those guys.
00:24:54I know real thugs.
00:24:56My uncle is a real thug, certified.
00:25:01Put a stamp on him.
00:25:03Locked up 15 years, got out of jail, ain't nothin' changed, very serious.
00:25:07Like, listen, when my uncle talk, this is how he look.
00:25:10I don't care what he talkin' about, this is how he look.
00:25:16I mean, I don't care what he's saying.
00:25:18"Put the goddamned jelly on THE MOTHER[bleep] SANDWICH.
00:25:20Do it.
00:25:21" he's crazy.
00:25:23He's crazy.
00:25:25He's institutionalized, man.
00:25:28You got to understand.
00:25:29When you been to jail for 15 years, all you know is jail, your mannerisms, your language.
00:25:34You eat, sleep, and think jail, okay?
00:25:39Your threats aren't even the same.
00:25:40Like, whenever you threaten somebody, they should know what's about to happen.
00:25:44It's a transition into a fight.
00:25:46"I'm sick of your ass.
00:25:46" when they get up, they know it's gonna be a fight.
00:25:49Stuff my uncle says leaves you in suspense.
00:25:53They're, like, the worst jail metaphors I've ever heard in my life.
00:25:56I don't even know how to explain them, okay?
00:25:57He gets out of jail.
00:25:58My brother called me.
00:25:59He said, "kev, uncle reggie jr.
00:26:00" I said, "what?
00:26:02I'm on the first flight.
00:26:02I'll be there in the morning.
00:26:03I ain't seen him in 15 years.
00:26:04" I get there.
00:26:06My uncle in the middle of the living room floor.
00:26:07I'm hyped to see him.
00:26:08, what up, baby?
00:26:1015 Years, that's a long time, man.
00:26:12" I swear to god, this is what he said to me.
00:26:14"Say it with your chest, LITTLE-ASS [bleep]." I didn't know what to say.
00:26:28My brother came out of nowhere and grabbed me.
00:26:30He was like, "chill, he been saying this all day.
00:26:31We don't know what it means.
00:26:32Just wait a minute till we " now, here's--here's the thing, right?
00:26:36I said, "no, I'm not gonna chill.
00:26:38I'm gonna talk to him.
00:26:39" I pulled him to the side and said, "look, unc, a lot of stuff has changed since you've been gone, man.
00:26:43I'm doing well.
00:26:44I'm making good money now.
00:26:46Let me take you out, put you around some women, get some drinks.
00:26:48" " I take him to a lounge, right?
00:26:51I'm at the bar.
00:26:52I'm drinking.
00:26:53There's women around me.
00:26:54I'm having a good time.
00:26:55I can't see him, but I can hear him.
00:26:59I can't see him, but I can hear him.
00:27:01Out of nowhere, all I hear is, "I'M SICK OF THIS MOTHER[bleep], Man.
00:27:05" "is it his birthday?
00:27:11Why--why would I do that?
00:27:12Why--why would I do that?
00:27:14" "PIN THIS MOTHER[bleep]'S " "is that a drink?
00:27:21That's probably a drink.
00:27:22Can i--can I get a peel his " " "can I get a peel his muffin .." I didn't know what to do.
00:27:31I was confused.
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00:30:07>> certain things that I'm not good at.
00:30:09I'm not a good storm-outer, people.
00:30:10I can admit that.
00:30:12For those who do not know what "storming out" is, that's when you leave the house angry.
00:30:15"I'm sick of this.
00:30:16" you slam the door.
00:30:17Boom.
00:30:18Purpose of storming out is to leave the illusion in your lady's head that you're never coming back.
00:30:23When you slam the door, she's supposed to break down.
00:30:25As soon as you slam the door, " boom.
00:30:27She breaks down.
00:30:28This is my impression of a woman breaking down.
00:30:30"No, oh, my god.
00:30:31No, please, don't.
00:30:32No, no.
00:30:34No, don't do this to me.
00:30:35No, every time time I do this, you do this.
00:30:38.." I hate when women cry and try to talk.
00:30:44I CAN'T STAND THAT [bleep].
00:30:46"I didn't want to do that.
00:30:47" y'all look like the first slave to ever walk.
00:30:56.." [mumbling] It's too much.
00:31:03I'ma tell you why I'm not a good storm-outer.
00:31:04You know why?
00:31:05Because I forget stuff.
00:31:07You can't storm out and forget [bleep], BECAUSE THEN YOU GOT TO GO BACK AND GET THE [bleep] You forgot.
00:31:11You look stupid.
00:31:12Trust me, fellas.
00:31:13I know this from experience.
00:31:14You leave angry.
00:31:16"I'm sick of this, man.
00:31:16I'm done.
00:31:17I don't care.
00:31:18I'm done.
00:31:19Forget you.
00:31:19Forget the house.
00:31:20" boom.
00:31:22"I DON'T GIVE [bleep], MAN.
00:31:22My keys.
00:31:23God damn it, my keys " [thumping] "Babe, let me get the keys on the top of the thing.
00:31:30I left my keys up on the top of the thing.
00:31:32" I need my keys.
00:31:35The reason why I need my keys is because I've got to get in my car.
00:31:37When I get in my car, I cut the car on, step on the gas, and make the tires burn out.
00:31:41[makes squealing noise] The reason why I do that: Women, you can't handle it.
00:31:44You break down after a while.
00:31:46"Oh, my god, no.
00:31:47He's gonna kill himself.
00:31:48No, no, don't do it.
00:31:50Do the speed limit, please.
00:31:51" that's my impression of women.
00:31:59Had to get out of there.
00:32:00Tell you another reason why I can't storm out of the house correctly.
00:32:04My son always want to come.
00:32:07Can't storm out with a kid.
00:32:08It take too long.
00:32:09A storm-out's got to be fast.
00:32:10In and out, boom, boom, quick.
00:32:12My son be at the door.
00:32:14" "no. no.
00:32:15" " "boy, god damn it.
00:32:19" this is when women try to use kids as ammunition.
00:32:24"Look at you, YOU PIECE OF [bleep].
00:32:26You can't even take your son with you.
00:32:28He want to go with his dad, but you can't even take your son " now, I can't be a piece of [bleep].
00:32:33I've got to prove a point.
00:32:34I got to take him.
00:32:34But I'm gonna tell you something, fellas, you look stupid when you try to keep your attitude and get a baby's [bleep] TOGETHER.
00:32:39You look dumb.
00:32:41This is from experience.
00:32:42You look stupid.
00:32:43"You know, I don't give A [bleep].
00:32:44I'll take him.
00:32:45Get the diaper bag.
00:32:45PUT THE SIPPY CUP AND [bleep] In the bag.
00:32:47Put the change of clothes AND [bleep] IN THE BAG." This is when I knew I looked stupid.
00:32:50When I did this with the ..
00:32:51"Let me tell you something, bitch, if you think I give A [bleep] ABOUT YOU, LET ME TELL You something, you got another " when I swung the diaper bag over ..
00:33:00"Let me tell you something, bitch, and you got another goddamned thing coming if you THINK I GIVE A [bleep]." It wasn't good, man.
00:33:09This is me speaking the truth.
00:33:11See, I can talk about relationships.
00:33:14I've been in one for years.
00:33:15I know relationships.
00:33:17I see a lot of couples here together, man.
00:33:19You guys don't understand what you're in.
00:33:21You don't know how serious it is.
00:33:22I don't mind seeing couples.
00:33:24I don't like seeing new couples.
00:33:26I can't stand new love.
00:33:27I hate it.
00:33:28That's me being honest with you.
00:33:29It's too much.
00:33:30I don't like over-love.
00:33:32You ever see those couples that go too far, that's too much?
00:33:35You ever see, like, a couple that's in love, like, newly in love, trying to share?
00:33:39You ever witness that?
00:33:40"Hey, babe.
00:33:42Hey, babe.
00:33:44Hey, love butt.
00:33:46Hey, I've got a little bit of juice left.
00:33:49You want some juice?
00:33:51Yeah, you want to take a sip?
00:33:52I'll take sip.
00:33:53You take a sip.
00:33:53You want to do it like that?
00:33:55You want to go sip-sip-sip, like that, back and forth?
00:33:57Yeah?
00:33:57Go ahead, take a sip.
00:33:58All right.
00:33:59Okay, give it to me.
00:34:00All right, no, sort of, nah.
00:34:02You do it.
00:34:02Ah, ah, go ahead.
00:34:03Ah, ahhh, no.
00:34:05Same time, do it.
00:34:06Your nose is in the way.
00:34:07No, your nose is in the way.
00:34:08Nah-eh-ah, I love you.
00:34:10Nah, stop that.
00:34:11" too much.
00:34:12I [bleep] HATE IT.
00:34:14I like older couples.
00:34:16I like couples that's got time in, man.
00:34:18You know why?
00:34:19Because I like to see those couples argue.
00:34:21Couples with time in, small problems become big problems.
00:34:25If you've got time in, right now, juice can become a problem.
00:34:30Let you go buy some juice, and she with you while you buy the juice.
00:34:33You go outside and open up the juice.
00:34:35She asks for a sip of your juice.
00:34:37Bet money you lose your mind over that sip of juice.
00:34:39Bet money you snap.
00:34:40As soon as you get outside, " "uh, bitch, didn't you just see me buy the juice when I was inside?
00:34:46So you wanted some juice?
00:34:47Why didn't you ask for some juice?
00:34:48Now you want to take a sip of MY JUICE, [bleep] AROUND AND Take a double sip.
00:34:51I'm left with a little-ass sip, because your over-thirsty ass want to take a double sip.
00:34:54No, get your own juice.
00:34:55Walk your fat ass inside, you sippy-juice bastard.
00:34:58You wasn't even thinking about " that will be on your mind all day.
00:35:03Seven hours later, you bring it back up.
00:35:05"A sip of my goddamned juice.
00:35:08You are something else.
00:35:09You know that?
00:35:09You are something else.
00:35:11You wasn't even thinking about " I got into an argument over mashed potatoes one time.
00:35:18We almost broke up.
00:35:20I'm very serious.
00:35:21You know what I don't play?
00:35:22I don't play that picking-off-my-plate stuff, ladies.
00:35:25Don't pick off my plate.
00:35:26I'm very serious.
00:35:27I don't like it.
00:35:28In the beginning, men, we have to do it.
00:35:31The reason why we have to do it is because we're still trying to impress you, so we go overboard.
00:35:35"Hey, do you want a little piece?
00:35:37Yeah?
00:35:37You want me to cut it?
00:35:38Yeah.
00:35:39No, I'll cut it.
00:35:40I'll give you all this.
00:35:40I'll just leave this little piece for myself.
00:35:42Yeah.
00:35:43No, no, no, I probably should eat the whole thing, because I'm a diabetic, but no.
00:35:46I just want you to be happy.
00:35:48Yeah, you shoulfinitely drive home, because I can't see.
00:35:50It's a little blurry.
00:35:51" we go overboard.
00:35:54I'm gonna tell you why I got mad, right?
00:35:56We're at a restaurant getting ready to eat dinner.
00:35:58Her food comes out before mine.
00:35:59She's like, "baby, you want me " I said, "no, eat your food.
00:36:02Mine's gonna be out.
00:36:02" she's eating.
00:36:04I don't ask for any of her food.
00:36:05" my food comes out.
00:36:08" " ..
00:36:11Fop!
00:36:11Put it on my lap.
00:36:12The reason why I go "fop," it's big--it's big to me, because I'm small.
00:36:15It takes up a lot of space.
00:36:17So I bow my head to say my grace.
00:36:19As I'm saying my grace, I hear a metal fork on my plate.
00:36:24"Uh, bitch, you can't wait till " you know, how mad THAT [bleep] MADE ME?
00:36:29Take the goddamned food, bitch!
00:37:56Signal.
00:37:58Beautiful.
00:37:59And strong.
00:38:00There to ensure the mostpowerful transmitter is you.
00:38:08Rule the air.
00:39:56>> My grandpop gives me the best advice ever.
00:39:57I love my grandpop to death.
00:39:58I wish everybody could meet my grandpop.
00:40:00If you're lucky enough to have your grandparents in your life and you want to laugh, listen to me.
00:40:05Shouts out to all y'all with grandparents.
00:40:08If you've got a grandparent in your life, dude, and you want to laugh, ask your grandpop-- just to see what he say-- say, "grandpop, when the last " just to see--just to see what he says.
00:40:17I promise you, it will be the FUNNIEST [bleep] YOU EVER HEARD In your life.
00:40:22My grandpop never answered me.
00:40:23He just said a bunch of stuff, like--this is not a joke.
00:40:26This is what he said.
00:40:26I said, "grandpa, when was the " this is exactly what he said.
00:40:29He said, "hey, hey, look at me, okay?
00:40:31Hey, hey, hey, what'd I do?
00:40:34You know what I did, all right?
00:40:36Okay?
00:40:37Hey, let me tell you something.
00:40:38I put that key in that door AND LOCKED THAT MOTHER[bleep], Didn't i?
00:40:41Hey, okay?
00:40:42Hey, gave it that goddamned wah-wah.
00:40:43Yes, I did.
00:40:44Yes, I did.
00:40:45Look at my eyes.
00:40:46Roll 'em.
00:40:47" what?
00:40:50Listen, let me tell you, this is what he does every day, all my grandpop do every day.
00:40:54He stand in the screen door AND JUST COMPLAIN AND [bleep].
00:40:58He just fuss all day.
00:40:59"Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look at this.
00:41:04Somebody come look at this.
00:41:05Look at this.
00:41:06Somebody come and look at this.
00:41:08Look at this, a goddamned cat drinking milk out the bowl.
00:41:14" this is what makes me laugh.
00:41:17After he yell at something, he stare at if for a long time.
00:41:20" he was asleep.
00:41:45He fell asleep.
00:41:48I wish I was him.
00:41:51Kids be teasing him.
00:41:52Kids are mean, man.
00:41:54Why are kids so mean?
00:41:57'Cause they know he can't get out the screen door, so they tease him.
00:42:01..
00:42:02[grunting] AND [bleep].
00:42:05Y'all, he gets so mad.
00:42:06[grunting] You ever seen--have you ever seen an old person get real pissed off to where they start making them noises?
00:42:14[grunting] What?
00:42:17What did he say?
00:42:19He's just angry.
00:42:20He's an angry old man.
00:42:25I saw my grandpop fall one time.
00:42:28FUNNIEST [bleep] I'VE EVER SEEN In my life.
00:42:31It took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall.
00:42:34It took too long.
00:42:35It took way too long.
00:42:38[bleep].
00:42:39It's funny, but it's not funny.
00:42:40I'm gonna show you exactly what I saw.
00:42:41This--this is how my grandpop fell.
00:42:43This is exactly--this is what I saw.
00:42:46"Ahhhh.
00:42:49Ahhhh.
00:42:51Ahhhhh.
00:42:54" I got tired of watching, and I just kicked it.
00:43:02"Stop, let go.
00:43:02Stop it.
00:43:03Stop it.
00:43:04It could have been over.
00:43:05You not even got the far.
00:43:06Stop.
00:43:08" watching people fall is funny.
00:43:19When the last time you really fell?
00:43:21" like, one of those?
00:43:23"Oh, no!
00:43:24" hey, shaq, when you fall during the games, it's the funniest [bleep] I'VE EVER SEEN IN My life.
00:43:32Hey, you ever seen his legs after he fall?
00:43:36Next time, look.
00:43:36I'm telling y'all, next time y'all watch a game and he fall, this is exactly what he do.
00:43:39Look.
00:43:40It's always something stupid.
00:43:41Like, he go up to get a rebound, and he don't get it.
00:43:42" [laughing] Hey, lebron.
00:44:00This is lebron.
00:44:01Look at him.
00:44:02"Come on.
00:44:03God damn it, shaq.
00:44:03..
00:44:04[bleep], MAN, GET UP." "Oh, I'm getting old, y'all.
00:44:07" look, okay, one more, one more.
00:44:18Shaq, this is how you fall frontwards.
00:44:20" HOLY [bleep].
00:44:38HOLY [bleep].
00:47:12>> My road manager and I are very close.
00:47:14He's older.
00:47:15He's old.
00:47:17We fight a lot, though, you know.
00:47:19It's kind of like a relationship; been around me for years.
00:47:21He was with me before money even came into the picture.
00:47:23He was the one scrambling up for me, but when you're around somebody for so long, naturally, you start to butt heads.
00:47:28THE LITTLE [bleep] ANNOY YOU.
00:47:29I don't like the way he sneezes.
00:47:30I don't like it.
00:47:33Like, I swear to god, when he sneeze, it's, like-- it's a close call.
00:47:36Like, you think he's about to die.
00:47:38Here's how he sneeze.
00:47:39I'M NOT BULL[bleep].
00:47:40IT'S THE SCARIEST [bleep] I've ever heard in my life.
00:47:42" I've never seen nobody catch their breath from a sneeze.
00:47:54He's old, though, man.
00:47:56HE DOES SO MUCH [bleep] TO PISS Me off.
00:47:58Like, I'm--one thing, man, I don't like it when people are slow.
00:48:01He's very slow.
00:48:02When you get in a car, how long does it take you to pull off, man, when you get in the car?
00:48:05A couple of seconds, right?
00:48:07Okay.
00:48:08It took him 25 minutes to pull off the other day.
00:48:11I'm dead serious.
00:48:11I can't--i can't show you.
00:48:13I can't tell you.
00:48:14I've got to show you, but don't make me laugh, okay?
00:48:17I'm gonna show you exactly what he did.
00:48:19Okay, I'm in the car.
00:48:21I'm in the passenger seat.
00:48:22I got my seat belt on.
00:48:23I'm ready for him.
00:48:24All he got to do is get in the car, pull off.
00:48:25I'm gonna show you exactly what he did.
00:48:26Don't make me laugh, though.
00:48:27Okay.
00:48:31"All right, let's go.
00:48:34" [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter and applause] " "oh, oh, oh, no.
00:49:51Okay, oh, hey, hey, hey, kevin.
00:49:55Hey, kevin.
00:49:56Hey, kevin.
00:49:58Hey, hey, hey, kevin.
00:50:01" now, I don't want to laugh, 'cause I want to see what he's gonna say about taking so long, right?
00:50:18I'm gonna tell you, this is exactly what he did.
00:50:19I'M NOT BULL[bleep].
00:50:20"Oh, god.
00:50:20All right, all right, let's go.
00:50:22All right.
00:50:24Got it.
00:50:25All right, got it.
00:50:27Got it.
00:50:30Got it.
00:50:31You ready?
00:50:32You ready to get on out of " "WHAT THE [bleep]?
00:50:34Yes.
00:50:35Like, I'm waiting on you.
00:50:36" THIS IS THE [bleep] THAT PISSED Me off.
00:50:38He's like, "all right, let's go.
00:50:39" WHAT THE [bleep] IS THIS?
00:50:46Why are you shooting at me?
00:50:47THAT [bleep] MADE ME SO MAD.
00:50:48"WHAT THE [bleep]?
00:50:49Don't do that.
00:50:50Don't put your hands in my face, 'cause you're being AN ASS[bleep].
00:50:52Just drive, man.
00:50:53DON'T SAY [bleep] TO ME.
00:50:54" now, that's the only time I've ever cussed at nate, but he never got mad to the point where he cussed back.
00:50:59This is the first time he ever cussed back at me, but I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me.
00:51:03This is exactly what he said.
00:51:04He said, "let me tell you something, sucker, okay?
00:51:06Hey, listen, jack.
00:51:08You ain't nothin' but a piece of cheese without the corners.
00:51:10In other words, you ain't never " >> I GIVE NATE A LOT OF [bleep].
00:54:50I tease nate a lot, okay?
00:54:51But at the end of the day, he's got my back.
00:54:54I know he does.
00:54:55Nate would take a bullet for me if he had to.
00:54:56How do I know this?
00:54:57'Cause it's been confirmed, all right?
00:54:59Nate--we was in dallas, texas, all right, me, nate, my boy harry, wayne, spank.
00:55:05My lady was with me.
00:55:06We having a good time.
00:55:07We do a show.
00:55:08We at the after party.
00:55:09We gettin' it in.
00:55:10Mm-mm, gettin' money.
00:55:12Mm-mm, gettin' money.

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