King of the Hill - Master of Puppets   View more episodes

Aired at 09:30 PM on Tuesday, Jun 29, 2010 (6/29/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:01:45I wonder if it's too late for me to coach in the NFL.
00:01:49I don't need to be head coach right away.
00:01:51I'm willing to start out as an offensive coordinator.
00:01:55(laughs) Peggy, would you join me on my side of the booth?
00:01:59Hank Hill, you are blowing my mind.
00:02:07(sighs) (cell phone ringing) Hello.
00:02:12That's all you got?
00:02:13Just what the heck is going on?!
00:02:15What do you mean?
00:02:16We're finishing dinner.
00:02:17We'll be there to pick you up at 9:00.
00:02:19Oh, really?
00:02:20Well, you might want to check your watch, buddy boy.
00:02:23It's 10:30!
00:02:25Oh, my God.
00:02:26Peggy, it's 10:30!
00:02:29Where's Bobby?!
00:02:30Bobby, where are you?
00:02:31I'm at the Get In/Get Out.
00:02:33I hope you're happy.
00:02:34I'm watching prostitutes buy panty hose.
00:02:37He's at the Get In/Get Out.
00:02:39(gasps) (alarm ringing) Bobby, uh, sometimes married people get caught up in a meal, and they...
00:03:00Honey, the thing is...
00:03:01Don't want to hear it!
00:03:04Honey, we had...
00:03:06La-la-la, nope!
00:03:12I can't believe it.
00:03:13I-I don't leave my sunglasses in the car overnight, but I leave my boy in a parking lot?
00:03:18If he takes a hammer to our heads while we sleep, I would not blame him.
00:03:22It was an honest mistake, but we apologized.
00:03:25Everything will be okay in the morning.
00:03:28He'll be okay in the morning.
00:03:31Hope you enjoyed your dessert.
00:03:34What's that?
00:03:35Hmm? Nothing.
00:03:43Oh, Bobby!
00:03:44Good morning!
00:03:45How do you figure?
00:03:48What is this?
00:03:51this is a homemade chocolate chip waffle topped with strawberries and whipped cream and surrounded by a bacon perimeter.
00:03:58Guess I was feeling creative.
00:04:01Oh, Bobby, your father and I feel so bad about last night.
00:04:06We lost track of time, and, well, your father just had to have this lava cake.
00:04:10So you're saying this is Dad's fault?
00:04:15We could spend all day pointing fingers at your father, but would that solve anything, Bobby?
00:04:28(both laughing) Well, all right.
00:04:31Morning, Bobby.
00:04:33Morning... Father.
00:04:37Make way for some hot syrup!
00:04:44Thanks, Mom.
00:04:49That meal was unnecessarily decadent.
00:04:52It was a breakfast bribe.
00:04:54She's trying to make me the scapegoat.
00:04:56Kahn: Hey, Hank Hill!
00:04:57I knew rednecks abandoned cars and refrigerators.
00:05:00Guess we can throw kids on the list, too.
00:05:02(guffawing) Ah, dang it!
00:05:05Peggy told Minh, didn't she?
00:05:06She's gonna sell me out to the entire neighborhood.
00:05:10(laughs) Sweet, helpless Hank, you wouldn't last one day in the wild.
00:05:19Any skilled outdoorsman knows the female of a species is always the most fierce and calculating.
00:05:25That's why you never fight a lady monkey.
00:05:27Yeah, Peggy Hill savage.
00:05:29She going to turn your son against you-- unless you match her bribe for bribe.
00:05:34You expect me to bribe my son?
00:05:40Uh, hey, there, Bobby.
00:05:44About last night, uh...
00:05:45see, the thing is, I was all ready to leave when your mother ordered a cup of coffee.
00:05:52I'm not trying to say your mother is responsible for this.
00:05:56In fact, that's what I'm trying very hard not to say.
00:06:05Hank: Uh...
00:06:06Hey, uh, why don't you hit the arcade.
00:06:09Go shoot yourself some...
00:06:11zombies and such.
00:06:13Um... okay.
00:06:16Enjoy, Bobby. On me.
00:06:18Your dad.
00:06:23First a five-star breakfast and now free cash?
00:06:27Dude, your parents are competing for your love!
00:06:30You're like a child of divorce!
00:06:32Wow! I didn't know kids with divorced parents had it so good.
00:06:37Oh, it's a sweet gig.
00:06:38My mom and dad are trying to prove who loves me more.
00:06:43What should I ask for next?
00:06:45The Cane Skretteburg concert.
00:06:47This Saturday night!
00:06:48It'll be wild and loud and overflowing with chicks!
00:06:53My parents would neverlet me go to that.
00:06:56It's perfect!
00:06:58Unlike the majestic North American cow, I can't subsist on grass alone.
00:07:04I'm going to need to hunt for food if I want to live.
00:07:09And I do.
00:07:17Sh-shal Dang it, she made him nachos?
00:07:32(knocking) (weak sigh) (quietly): Come in.
00:07:39Hey, Bobby.
00:07:39Did you have a good time with the money I gave you?
00:07:43Eh. Guess I'm just feeling a little down today, you know?
00:07:45Well, sure.
00:07:47Your mother chose coffee over you.
00:07:50That would upset anyone.
00:07:51Oh, I can't stay mad at her.
00:07:53She does so many little things to let me know how much she cares.
00:07:57Uh, is there maybe one bigthing someone might do to show you they care?
00:08:06Well, there's a thing I was hoping to go to on Saturday night, but...
00:08:12Well, it's a rock concert, and I'd need to stay out a little past curfew.
00:08:16Guess I'll just ask Mom.
00:08:19We don't need her.
00:08:20How much past curfew?
00:08:21The concert would probably end at about the same time I was being offered marijuana at the Get In/Get Out the other night.
00:08:29Oh. Uh...
00:08:30Well, if it's really important to you...
00:08:33And I've been thinking, maybe I should get a new bike.
00:08:37You know, something that could safely deliver me home when there's no one I could count on to pick me up.
00:08:44I'm, uh...
00:08:48I-I'll be back.
00:08:51(door closes) (chuckles evilly) I think this looks about right for my son.
00:09:00Okay, so, do I wheel it up front?
00:09:03Hank! What are you doing here?
00:09:07Uh... nothing.
00:09:08What are you doing here?
00:09:09Well, I... I also am here for nothing.
00:09:13Wait. Are you buying Bobby a bike?
00:09:16That depends-- are you buying him a cart full of toys?
00:09:19(gasps): Are you accusing me of bribery?
00:09:22Are you guilty of bribery?
00:09:26Oh, Hank, I feel so awful.
00:09:29I neglected our sweet little Bobby.
00:09:31He needed me, and I was not there for him.
00:09:34(sighing): Ah, yeah, we both messed up, but...
00:09:38spoiling him with ridiculous gifts isn't gonna make things better.
00:09:42Oh, you're right.
00:09:43This all started because of our date night!
00:09:45He just wanted to spend some time with us, and we excluded him.
00:09:52I know what we have to do.
00:09:55So... we're getting the bike?
00:09:57Not getting the bike?
00:09:59What am I doing?
00:09:59Joseph, a lesser man would have stopped at concert tickets.
00:10:04But I, being a dreamer, sent both my parents on a shopping spree.
00:10:12Pardon me a moment.
00:10:16Bobby: Um, hey, you guys need help unloading anything?
00:10:20The cars are empty, Bobby, but we are not empty-handed.
00:10:23In fact, we got you something very special.
00:10:31You? You're giving me you?
00:10:33All you wanted was to be with your parents.
00:10:36Well, Bobby, consider that wish granted.
00:10:38We promise never to leave you alone ever again!
00:10:42Never, ever, ever, ever, ever!
00:10:52Hank & peggy: ...and five, six, seven!
00:10:54HANK (chuckles): Well, how about that!
00:10:56Looks like I'm spending the night at the Hotel Bobby.
00:10:59My Triple-A card is registered in the name of Hank Hill, though I'm currently traveling as a shoe.
00:11:05Will that be a problem, Mr. Hotel Manager?
00:11:08(chuckles) Good morning, Bobby!
00:11:24(gasps) How'd you sleep?
00:11:25Did you miss us? Ooh!
00:11:27We missed you!
00:11:28Well, I barely slept at all.
00:11:29I was too excited about all the things we're gonna do today as a family.
00:11:34More family stuff?
00:11:35Last night didn't get it out of your system?
00:11:38Are you kidding?
00:11:38We're just getting warmed up.
00:11:40Okay, here's the thing: Hanging out with you guys is all kinds of great, but tonight's the concert at the Funzone.
00:11:48A rock concert?
00:11:49Bobby, there's nothing fun about going to a rock concert...
00:11:54...without your parents!
00:11:56Oh, God!
00:11:59(slurping) (slurping) In the wild, there is no greater survival skill...
00:12:18Dale, did you steal this stuff from the neighbors?
00:12:21No. I trekked through the wild and foraged for it.
00:12:26There is no greater survival skill than the ability to start a fire without matches.
00:12:33Lucky for me, the Arlen plains are rich in natural propane tank deposits.
00:12:40(hissing) Come on...
00:12:42(quiet grunt) (explosion) Can you feel the electricity?
00:12:54We are gonna rock it hard-core tonight!
00:12:56What do we do till the show starts?
00:13:02You know, there's an arcade game I want to play, but I just remembered, it's a one-player game, so...
00:13:10I'll have to play by myself.
00:13:12I'll check you later.
00:13:18It's awful, Joseph.
00:13:20My only moment of privacy today was in the bathroom-- and even then, my mom sat outside the door and sang to me.
00:13:28Dude, that's pretty weird.
00:13:29Unless... What song was it?
00:13:31Hank: Hey, Bobby!
00:13:32Look at me! Bobby!
00:13:35I'm skiing! Bobby!
00:13:41Oh! What happened?
00:13:41Did you win?
00:13:42Peggy: Are you dead?
00:13:43Those trees are so blurry.
00:13:45I think you're going light-speed!
00:13:49Hey, Bobby.
00:13:50Joseph said you're going to the Cane Skretteburg concert.
00:13:52We should headbang when they play "Screeching Weasel." Well, I was planning to go to the concert, but...
00:13:59Hi! Peggy Hill!
00:14:00I love Cane Scattersmith!
00:14:02I also love my son, Bobby!
00:14:06Um... have fun.
00:14:09Hank! Grab Bobby's hand!
00:14:11We'll be a family chain!
00:14:15No more!
00:14:15No more family time!
00:14:17No more following me around!
00:14:19I can't gotdang take it!
00:14:21But... youwanted to be with us.
00:14:23You felt so alone; you had nightmares.
00:14:26(groans) I was faking.
00:14:27Now, don't get me wrong, I was upset when you forgot me.
00:14:31I would've gotten over it eventually, but then I found myself at the center of a full-blown gift-giving competition.
00:14:39And that's not a bad place to be.
00:14:41Your father should not have tried to pay you off.
00:14:44That was wrong.
00:14:44Peggy, you woke up at 5:00 a.m.
00:14:45to cook the boy breakfast.
00:14:48Only because he was acting so upset.
00:14:51He wouldn't even talk to us!
00:14:52Because you guys left me alone in a scary parking lot for an hour!
00:14:59I guess we all made some mistakes.
00:15:03But if time to yourself is what you really want...
00:15:10(rock music playing) Abbondanza!
00:15:22Now I guess you're gonna need a new shelter.
00:15:25Good thing you're such a skilled outdoorsman.
00:15:32Okay, I quit.
00:15:35(thunder rolling) The skies have grown hostile.
00:15:40I've got a lot of work to do if I'm gonna make it through the night.
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00:21:00Ah, ow, damn it!
00:21:02Peter, are you all right?
00:21:03No, no, I think you should call somebody.
00:21:05Ma'am, are you all right?
00:21:06I can't... breathe.
00:21:08Oh, God, I think she punctured a lung.
00:21:09Aw, damn it, look at my foot.
00:21:11It's already starting to swell up.
00:21:13God, I'm looking forward to this week.
00:21:15Freaking swelled foot all week.
00:21:16You know, we should-we should...
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00:21:25Oh, hey, Quagmire, how was Florida?
00:21:27Oh, it was great.
00:21:28And guess what?
00:21:28I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
00:21:31Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here.
00:21:33You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here.
00:21:36(scoffs) Yeah, that's just as fun.
00:21:42All right, Meg.
00:21:43You be David Koresh and I'll be a heavy- handed FBI agent.
00:21:48(screaming) (continues screaming) Hey, you.
00:21:53You're a crazy person.
00:21:54Come out of there, you.
00:21:57Quagmire, check it out.
00:21:58I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together.
00:22:01I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting mega-ultra-super...
00:22:06(screams) Holy crap!
00:22:09(all scream)