King of the Hill - Patch Boomhauer   View more episodes

Aired at 09:00 PM on Wednesday, Oct 27, 2010 (10/27/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:05PATCH: Yee-ha!
00:00:07Oh, man, here they come now.
00:00:08Go act, like, surprised, man!
00:00:14Gentlemen, intro-dang-ol'-ducing daggum future Mrs. Patch Boomhauer!
00:00:22Katherine, is it not?
00:00:26Dang ol' stand there, black T-shirt, looking all sharp man with that hair all scruffy on top that way, man.
00:00:30Come here.
00:00:31Yeah, okay. Man, okay.
00:00:32Hey, got dang it, man.
00:00:33Don't wake up the dang ol' lion, man.
00:00:37Man, hey, come on.
00:00:38Hey, hey. Ow. Ow. Ow!
00:00:39Daggum jaw, man. Talkin' TMJ, man.
00:00:47PATCH: Shoot, man, yeah, that's what, like, got me outta the daggum porta-john business, dang ol' quick like, man, 'cause I'm telling you, like, whew.
00:00:54Talkin' Andy Dump, man.
00:00:55(laughing) Oh, Patch.
00:00:57Mm, I'll tell you what, the blood runs hot in that Boomha Yeah, that Patch got it going on, but he a dog, I can smell it from here.
00:01:05You know, I still remember the day Katherine left for London.
00:01:09Boomhauer stayed in his hot tub for two straight days.
00:01:11I have never seen a man look so unhappy, yet so relaxed.
00:01:22Bobby, what are you doing?
00:01:24I want to show Patch I've got what it takes to be a ring boy.
00:01:27It's ring bearer, and that's Ladybird's job.
00:01:30Besides, you're old enough to be an usher.
00:01:33An usher? Wow!
00:01:35Sir, come back when you have a tie.
00:01:38PATCH: Yo! Shush it!
00:01:39Talkin' 'bout since I was a little boy, big brother man, fed me dirt and daggum bugs, but, you know, long story short, man, talkin' 'bout... best man.
00:02:00Very touching, but something tells me this is not over.
00:02:08So, uh, Boomhauer, how you doing there?
00:02:11Well, man, you know, this dang ol' beer's a little warm, but, you know.
00:02:15(sighs) to be thinking of her as your sister-in-law.
00:02:19Hey, man, I ain't got no dang ol' problem here, man, you know, talkin' 'bout you got little son of yours, man, walking around carrying that dang ol' little burger on a pillow, man, you got...
00:02:30"We-We're here to congratulate Patch and Katherine on..." PATCH: Daggum cannonball!
00:02:36Watch it with that dang ol' cannonball, man!
00:02:38LUANNE: Hello, Mr. Boomhauer.
00:02:40Thanks for letting me borrow your Walkman.
00:02:43I broke it.
00:02:45Talkin' 'bout meow. Here, kitty-kitty.
00:02:46Patch-elor party, man.
00:02:47Daggum, find you a place to sit, darlin'.
00:02:51Just a little ol' kidder, man, you know, every dang ol' April Fool's, growing up, man, putting up a little ol' frog in my bed.
00:02:56You know, just ol' Patch, man.
00:02:59Woo-dogs, that's a sweet taste, man.
00:03:01Lookin' forward to that meal.
00:03:02You know, like...
00:03:03(imitates porn music) You know you gotta talk 'bout, think 'bout new, turning over a new leaf with ol' Katherine, man.
00:03:08You got, like, vows, man, talkin' 'bout vows.
00:03:11Yo man, talkin' 'bout, eating at home, man, 'cept for drive-thru window action now and then, man.
00:03:15Talkin' 'bout fast food, baby!
00:03:17Dang ol' grow up, man.
00:03:27BOOMHAUER: Get off me, man!
00:03:30(shouting) Now calm down!
00:03:34Both of you!
00:03:35I can't understand a word you're saying!
00:03:37Shoot, man, I mean, man, just talkin' wedding, man, goes off.
00:03:40Daggum jealousy, man.
00:03:41Ugly, green-eyed monster, man.
00:03:42You must settle this like men.
00:03:45Angry, redneck men.
00:03:46Blunderbusses at 20 paces!
00:03:48Dang it, Boomhauer.
00:03:49Your brother is getting married and you need to start acting right!
00:03:53Talkin' 'bout tell him, man!
00:03:54He's the one wanna get dang ol' hoochie- coochie dance, man.
00:03:57Hey, man, no, you too much hoochie-coochie man, talkin' you ain't no best man after all, no way, man!
00:04:00Yeah man, you know, you can't fire me, man, 'cause I tell you what: I quit!
00:04:04(gasping) Daggum can't have no wedding with no best man, man.
00:04:08Hold the ring, give the speech, man, you know, throw the bachelor party, man.
00:04:12Daggum, man, you know, talking about, Hank?
00:04:15Whoa. Yeah, but...
00:04:17Me? Your best man?
00:04:21Well, I...
00:04:23(sighs) Patch...
00:04:26I'd be honored.
00:04:32policyis you.
00:04:34This will save you the most money, while making sure you have the auto coverage you need.
00:04:37 no problem, I'm a coverage counselor. it's what I do.
00:04:41Thank you for being an esurance customer.
00:04:44Great. bye, richard.
00:04:46So, did you guys get enough to make an online version of a coverage counselor?
00:04:49Yep. let's code it and load it.
00:04:51[ imitates explosion ] OH.
00:04:54You're so popular.
00:04:56LIKE PROM QUEEN. [ telephone rings ] [ Male Announcer ] WANTA GREAT DEAL ON CAR Insurance?
00:04:59Go to esurance.
00:05:37Hershey's bar pure?
00:05:40["Melt with you" playing] pure fun.
00:05:45Pure joy.
00:05:47Pure delicious chocolate.
00:05:49Pure hershey's.
00:07:04Well, what was I going to do?
00:07:05Let Patch have a wedding without a best man?
00:07:07Boomhauer had his chance with Katherine.
00:07:09Maybe this is just the kick in the pants Boomhauer needs to snap him out of that Peter Pan lifestyle.
00:07:15You know, maybe you're right.
00:07:16He's not getting any younger, and all the women he dates are.
00:07:20Something's got to give.
00:07:22So, what are Patch and Katherine serving at their wedding?
00:07:25I need to know what color tux to get-- stain-wise.
00:07:31Hey, uh, Boomhauer, we're going to start planning the bachelor party at my place tonight.
00:07:36You want to join us?
00:07:37Remember how much fun you had at our bachelor parties?
00:07:45Hey, Bill, can you grab me a beer?
00:07:50(laughing) Hey, Hank, could you grab me a beer?
00:08:02(laughing) Dang ol' ball and chain, man.
00:08:07Hey, man, Dale, why don't you go and get me a dang ol' beer, man?
00:08:13Ah! Wha-What is it, a bomb?!
00:08:17I can't lose it! It's after me!
00:08:21So what do you say, Boomhauer?
00:08:23You ready to step back in?
00:08:26No, man.
00:08:38(knocking) Hello, Boomhauer.
00:08:44I heard you dropped out as Patch's best man.
00:08:46I, dang, I don't want to say nothing 'bout dang ol'...
00:08:49Dial back the charm, we've got some talking to do.
00:08:55I really want us to work things out because I couldn't stand the idea of my kids not knowing their Uncle Boomhauer.
00:09:01Man, it's just dang ol' complicated, you know, man.
00:09:04It's like a dang ol' Rubik's cube, man, like, talkin' 'bout blue, red, man, then you get to one side, then it like messes up the other side, man.
00:09:11Well, I truly hope that you'll at least come to the wedding.
00:09:14Dang ol', I-I'll-I'll be there, man.
00:09:30Hey, Patch.
00:09:31We're all geared up for one heck of a bachelor party tomorrow night.
00:09:34We got you three kinds of sausage and two kinds of pizza.
00:09:38You can eat yourself silly, bachelor.
00:09:41Shoot man, talkin' about entertainment, man.
00:09:42Talkin' shake things up, man, get live, be wild, you know, talkin' go pro.
00:09:46Professional entertainers? Wow.
00:09:48Daggum right, man. I'll have him call ya.
00:09:49You know, dang ol' bring plenty of singles, huh!
00:09:52(imitates porn music) I wish Boomhauer could see how happy Patch is.
00:09:57So what do you suppose the live entertainment is?
00:10:02(chuckles) Well, he did say it would be wild.
00:10:05HANK: Tomorrow night from 7:00 to 10:00 PM, the family room is reserved for a bachelor party.
00:10:12I've got a variance from the city.
00:10:14They're letting us have 70 decibels.
00:10:16Same as Bennigan's.
00:10:17Well, we are having a bachelorette party for Katherine, and Minh is bringing three Patrick Swayze movies.
00:10:25(whispering): Bobby, now I can't officially invite you to the bachelor party, but if a certain usher sneaked in and had a Snappy Tom or maybe some unattended Collins mixer, I'd be too busy to notice.
00:10:40(phone ringing) Hill residence.
00:10:43Yeah, this is Kraig T. of KT Entertainment.
00:10:46of some special talent tomorrow night.
00:10:47Is that correct?
00:10:48Oh, yes, yes, the party planner.
00:10:51Now, the groom mentioned that he would like a happy ending.
00:10:54You cool with that?
00:10:55Of course, he's getting married!
00:11:10Oh, man. Dang, dang ol' beautiful, man.
00:11:13Oh, I'm sure somehow it's bad luck for you to see me in my gown.
00:11:18Will you try to stop by Patch's bachelor party?
00:11:20Knowing Patch, it'll be pretty tame, but I'm sure there'll be good food and good music.
00:11:25Katherine, man, you know...
00:11:26I-I don't want to go against blood or nothin' like that, but, man, you know-- got...
00:11:30got to keep a dang ol' eye on Patch, man.
00:11:37I never thought I'd have to pull you in the garage like I do with Bill and Dale.
00:11:41Hey, man... The time for you to stop this wedding was 20 years ago, before you broke up with Katherine.
00:11:47You need to grow up.
00:11:49Patch did.
00:11:49Now-now-now, you don't understand, man...
00:11:51I think I understand plenty, but you need to suck it up and get with the program.
00:12:04Ace high, in your face, sir.
00:12:06Yeah, look at that-- all those Frito chips are all yours, ol' top.
00:12:13(clears throat): Uh, hey, Patch, can you grab me a beer?
00:12:19(laughing) Hold it down, guys. We're-we're pushing past 60.
00:12:27BOOMHAUER: Yo, man.
00:12:29Talkin' 'bout... yo.
00:12:33(doorbell rings) Be right there!
00:12:36Everyone hold on to your hats, 'cause the special talent has just arrived.
00:12:43Hello. You must be Mr. T.
00:12:45How are you this evening, sir?
00:12:48Leave the door unlocked like we discussed?
00:12:50Yes, sir.
00:12:51Ah, karaoke. Dale was right.
00:12:56Edible underpants...
00:12:58made from the same stuff as fruit roll-up, so don't sit on anything dusty.
00:13:02Game time!
00:13:04101 Bachelorette Party Games.
00:13:06For the first game, we will need nail polish and a summer squash...
00:13:11Oh! Eh...
00:13:12Why don't we go see what the guys are up to?
00:13:14KRAIG T: Gentlemen, there's only one rule, and that is to have fun...
00:13:18and to tip generously.
00:13:20Well, since you're here to emcee, I'm going to go get the hot wings.
00:13:24I could use a little help.
00:13:27Gents, there is a special menu available for special requests, all right, huh, okay, all right?
00:13:32Now let's get the bachelor!
00:13:33GUYS: Patch, Patch, Patch, Patch, Patch, Patch!
00:13:40Dang, man, ol', don't, no way, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' sanctity of marriage, man.
00:13:44Just dang ol' get on out.
00:13:46Daggum, mine all mine, man.
00:13:47Talkin' primed and ready.
00:13:48Here, here's some dang ol' money.
00:13:49Now-now, you just dang ol' get on out of here, man.
00:13:52Hold on now. Come on, baby.
00:13:53We need a bedroom story, man, talking "Once Upon My Lap." Get 'em while they're hot!
00:13:58BOBBY: Wow! You didn't tell me about this part, Dad.
00:14:01Bobby, close your eyes and go to your room.
00:14:06Boomhauer, what are you doing?
00:14:13Daggum ol' help!
00:14:14Boomhauer, told you no hanky and panky.
00:14:16Dang ol' hijacked by Boom-hos.
00:14:18Is this true?
00:14:19Boomhauer, did you pay for these women to...
00:14:22I can't believe you!
00:14:23Marriage may not mean anything to you, but it means a lot to Patch and me and Buck and everyone else here!
00:14:29Hey, man, now I'm talkin' 'bout ol' dang ol'...
00:14:31I don't want to hear it!
00:14:32Now take your hired floozies and get the hell out!
00:14:36Now, Boomhauer!
00:14:44Guys night out, man, talkin'... girls?
00:14:58I really thought Boomhauer had come around.
00:15:00I mean, he brought beer...
00:15:02but then... the prostitutes.
00:15:04Maybe you can work that into your best man speech at the rehearsal dinner.
00:15:09You know, in a funny way.
00:15:11What really bugs me is that Boomhauer flat out lied to me.
00:15:14(sighs): It makes me question our entire friendship.
00:15:18Whore monger, yes; liar, unproven.
00:15:21Technically, Boomhauer did not lie to your face.
00:15:24You merely assume that he lied.
00:15:27Wait a minute. You're right.
00:15:28I never asked Boomhauer if he tried to break up Patch and Katherine, so he hasn't actually lied to me yet.
00:15:34If I go to Boomhauer, and he comes clean, well...
00:15:37maybe there's a chance we can still be friends.
00:15:42Does this suit smell like embalming fluid to you?
00:15:49Now, Boomhauer, as a man, I'm obligated to try to salvage our friendship of over 30 years by asking you some tough questions.
00:15:58(sighs) Do you love Katherine Hester?
00:16:02Yo, man.
00:16:02And does the thought of Patch marrying her tear you up inside?
00:16:07Yo, man.
00:16:08And did you hire those ladies of easy virtue to frame Patch and break up the wedding?
00:16:19No, man.
00:16:21Oh, Boomhauer, I am so sorry for doubting you.
00:16:24Well, wait a minute.
00:16:25If you didn't hire those girls, then...
00:16:28Kraig T?!
00:16:29Oh, God, Patch knew all along!
00:16:32Dang ol' yeah, man, now-now, talkin' 'bout d-don't get hurt falling off that dang ol' high horse, man.
00:16:35Boomhauer, I deserve all that and more, but right now I need to get to the rehearsal dinner and set things right.
00:16:42I'll give Patch the "happy ending" he deserves, I tell you what.
00:16:57Dang ol', where's the best man, daggum, Hank?
00:17:00Gotta give speech, man, talkin' 'bout...
00:17:02(imitating Hank): "Life's funny sometimes--" like that, man.
00:17:05Oh, my God, your Hank is dead-on.
00:17:07You know, I do a great Bobby.
00:17:10Excuse me, sir.
00:17:12We have a hard 7:00 start time, so I'm going to...
00:17:17There Boomhauer.
00:17:18We get a good fight, it make up for cash bar.
00:17:27Uh, sorry I'm late.
00:17:30(clears throat): Hank Hill, Best Man, Strickland Propane.
00:17:34When people get married, as these two plan tomorrow, you've got to act right.
00:17:40You've got to have commitment, devotion, trust.
00:17:44You can't be fooling around, and you surely can't be... (glass chiming) There's something I have to say.
00:17:51When Patch first asked me to marry him, it was a dream come true...
00:17:57...but when I got here, I realized how much Patch reminded me of Boomhauer, and that I might be trying to recapture something I lost.
00:18:06And then Boomhauer hired a bunch of prostitutes to make me think Patch was some kind of pervert...
00:18:12and I hated him for it...
00:18:17...but it was that desperate, crazy, romantic move that made me realize maybe there is something still between Boomhauer and me.
00:18:28I'm sorry, Patch.
00:18:29I cannot marry you.
00:18:32Well, now hold on, baby.
00:18:33Now, daggum, no, man.
00:18:34It was all me.
00:18:35Yeah, all me.
00:18:37Talkin' 'bout frequent buyer, spent Thanksgiving with them hos, man.
00:18:40(gasping) Oh, my!
00:18:42You're the one who hired those strippers?
00:18:45Dang straight, baby.
00:18:46Dang ol' hopeless romantic.
00:18:48Uh, no.
00:18:48Boomhauer hired them because he couldn't stand to see us together is a grand romantic gesture.
00:18:54You hiring them is...
00:18:56just plain sleazy.
00:18:59It's over, Patch.
00:19:00Dang ol', no, baby, talkin' 'bout not me, man, talkin'...
00:19:03Hank! Dang ol' Hank loveshookers, man.
00:19:10Well, here we are saying good-bye again.
00:19:13Don't worry. I'm not going to do a donut in your front lawn this time.
00:19:17(sighs): I just need to go away for a while and get my head together.
00:19:22Hey, man, talkin' 'bout like a dang ol' roller coaster, man.
00:19:25You know, I talk... we talk about destiny, and that Big ol' Dipper, man, you know, well, it's just like a... like a dang ol' North Star, man, and I always will be there, man, you know, just like a dang ol' GPS...
00:19:37I feel the same way.
00:19:57Hey, um, dang ol' Hank, man, you know, talkin' 'bout, like, that dang ol' day might never not ever come, you know, but if it do, man, you know, I...
00:20:04you know, man, I might be puttin' a little ol' call on... on you, man.
00:20:09Well, Boomhauer, I'd be honored.
00:20:12Captioned byMedia Access Group at WGBH Whoa-ho-hoo, Patch.
00:21:34Butterfinger snackerz.
00:21:35I've never heard of those.
00:21:36Oh, they're just the latest thing.
00:21:37Chocolaty little treats with a smooth butterfinger center.
00:21:41I love butterfinger. I think I'll try one.
00:21:45[ electricity crackles ] Ow!
00:21:48Mnh-mnh. I think you won't.
00:21:51[ Male Announcer ] NEW BUTTERFINGER SNACKERZ.
00:21:53Crispy, chocolaty, bite-size treats with a smooth butterfinger center.
00:21:57Nobody's gonna lay a finger on my butterfinger snackerz.
00:23:33Well, it all adds up.
00:23:35That's sweet mom.
00:23:37In honor of your thriftiness, I'll serve- [Jack's voice]2 croissant sandwiches for just 3 bucks.
00:23:40Made with fresh egg, sausage or our new hickory smoked bacon and melting cheese.
00:23:42Your such a good son. I'm so glad you dropped by!
00:23:47I love coming home mom.
00:23:51Patty, call the doctor.It's been more than 4 hours... Hi Jack.
00:24:47(theme from Star Wars playing) Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
00:24:52Who are you?