Louis C.K.: Chewed Up   View more episodes

Aired at 01:00 AM on Saturday, Jan 23, 2010 (1/23/2010)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:02Someone's just being a faggot.
00:00:04" " "you're not supposed to use " " didn't mean--like, I would never call a gay guy a faggot, unless he's being a faggot.
00:00:18But not because he's gay, you understand?
00:00:21Like, if I saw two guys blowing each other--and I don't why I'm watching 'em do it--but if i ..
00:00:27I don't know.
00:00:32I stumbled upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on their respective penesia.
00:00:42It's a plural for penis that i invented today.
00:00:46Penesia.
00:00:52I would be respectful to them.
00:00:53I would, you know, "hello, gentlemen," whatever, you know?
00:00:59But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and started acting all faggy and saying annoying faggy things, "you know people from phoenix are phoenicians," or something ..
00:01:18I'd be like, "hey, shut up, faggot.
00:01:21Faggot!
00:01:23You f-- quit being a faggot and suck that dick.
00:01:28That's what I would say to him.
00:01:36I don't know.
00:01:37I would never call somebody a mean name 'cause they were sucking a dick, 'cause if you can suck a dick, man, that's awesome.
00:01:42I respect you because I can't do it.
00:01:45I can't do it.
00:01:46I mean, I haven't tried and failed.
00:01:48I just have put myself there in my mind and I couldn't do it because I'm afraid.
00:01:53That's what--the only reason.
00:01:55But--that's why if you can suck a dick, I think that that's-- there's a strength in being able to do that.
00:02:00I believe that.
00:02:02I don't believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody, even if it's something that you generally do, every new dick must take something out of you.
00:02:10There must be something you got to do to get yourself ready, you know.
00:02:16[clears throat] "Okay, here we go.
00:02:21[shudders] [exhales forcefully] [laughs] YOU...
00:02:28I'm gonna suck you.
00:02:31Aaaah.
00:02:33[laughs] OKAY.
00:02:36" so faggot.
00:02:45I don't know.
00:02:46Lot of words that are-- they're not bad words.
00:02:48No words are bad, but some people start using them a lot to hurt other people, and then they become bad.
00:02:53They become hard to--and there's words that I love that i can't use because other people use them wrong, to hurt other people, like the word "cunt" is a beautiful word.
00:03:00To me, there's just beauty in that word, and I don't--i mean aesthetically.
00:03:05It has--it's like chocolaty and round on the ends.
00:03:08I just like the--cunt--i just like the way it sounds.
00:03:11And I don't use it as an insult.
00:03:13I'm alone in the laundry.
00:03:15I'm like, ♪♪ cunt cunt ♪♪
00:03:17I just like saying it.
00:03:20I would never call a woman a cunt, except for my mom, 'cause she likes it for some weird reason.
00:03:25But it's a very misused word.
00:03:29It's supposed to mean vagina, which I don't think works at all, because vaginas are so sweet.
00:03:35They're little, pretty things with little flower petal-y lips and--i hear a piccolo in my head every time I see a vagina.
00:03:43♪♪ Doodle-oodle-doo ♪♪
00:03:44♪♪ did-a-liddle-loo ♪♪
00:03:46♪♪ bliddle-liddle-liddle-loo ♪♪
00:03:49even vagina's too harsh for-- they should be called, like, a falalalala.
00:03:55[sings pleasant sounds] There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina all the time.
00:04:03Just all the time.
00:04:04Little butterfly.
00:04:05When you go to the doctor, he's like, "well, the butterfly looks good, so we're in good shape.
00:04:08" how do you look at something that pretty and say, " that doesn't fit at all.
00:04:20Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing busses around and knocking over telephone poles.
00:04:28Then you could say, "hey, somebody shoot that cunt with a bazooka!
00:04:34It's gonna step on the candy " ..
00:04:42Everybody has different words that offend them, different things that they hear that they get offended by.
00:04:48I--to me, the thing that offends me the most is every time that i hear the n-word.
00:04:52Not nigger, by the way.
00:04:54" literally, whenever a white lady on cnn with nice hair says "the n-word," that's just white people getting away with saying nigger.
00:05:04That's all that is.
00:05:06They found a way to say nigger.
00:05:07" it's bullshit, 'cause when you say "the n-word," you put the word "nigger" in the listener's head.
00:05:16That's what saying a word is.
00:05:18You say "the n-word," and I go, " you're making me say it in my head.
00:05:24Why don't you fucking say it instead and take responsibility for the shitty words you want to say.
00:05:35Just say it.
00:05:36Don't hide behind the first letter like a faggot.
00:05:40Just say nigger, you stupid cunt.
00:05:49I don't know.
00:05:50I don't care.
00:05:54Somebody'll kick my ass.
00:05:56I mean, all this shit goes on in my head.
00:05:58I don't really--like, I thought the word nigger the other day.
00:06:01I'm gonna tell you this story, and it wasn't racist.
00:06:04It wasn't a race--even-- connotation.
00:06:06Let me tell you what happened.
00:06:06I went to a coffee place, and it was, like, a cool, indie coffee--i don't like starbucks anymore, 'cause you go there, and they don't care anymore.
00:06:12They just press a button and some old lady's diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you.
00:06:18So I go to, like, a young people, cool coffee place with, like, "my band's playing" notices on the walls, and it's called, like, the howling "do whatever" thing, and the dude behind the counter has got a tight t-shirt and a ponytail, and he's like, "hey, what's up, " and I was like, "hey, can I get " and he's like, "yeah, right on.
00:06:35Totally," like he's amazed that he can help me, like, "oh, yeah.
00:06:41I got all the stuff right here.
00:06:42" and so he starts making my coffee, just so--he works so hard.
00:06:51He ground the beans just for that one cup and put 'em in the thing and tamped them with this old thing, and he click, clack, and click, and then he took the milk and he frothed it, like, for, like, an hour.
00:07:04And then he banged it on the counter.
00:07:05I don't know why it was awesome.
00:07:07And he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it, and he's " and I was just blown away, and for some reason, as I left there, the thought in my head was, "that nigger made the shit " I don't know why.
00:07:21He wasn't black, but that's just what was in my heart for some reason, was, "that nigger " I don't know.
00:10:26>> I don't care.
00:10:30I'm all sweaty.
00:10:32I really--i don't feel good.
00:10:34I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know?
00:10:38That kind of--you know, it's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody, "oh, she knows," like, you're just--you got to take some time alone to get a-- process the shame.
00:10:54And I just--i can't stop-- today--i weighed myself today.
00:10:56I don't know why.
00:10:57I'm not using the information.
00:10:59It's not guiding my behavior.
00:11:01Why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am?
00:11:09I weighed myself, and I usually hover around 230.
00:11:12240 Today. 240.
00:11:14I weigh 240 pounds, which is not--oh, no--it's not okay, because there's no way--like, you know, when you go to a doctor and they give you, like, a formula for how much you weigh, like, a rule of thumb.
00:11:25It--i'm pretty sure it's not your age plus 200 pounds.
00:11:33..
00:11:36Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a 110 pounds each, so both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.
00:11:53And it's really bad because I'm 40, and my doctor's like, "yeah, you got to be less people.
00:11:57" and he just told me this is bad.
00:12:02And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, like there's a pattern.
00:12:07It's just chaos and awfulness.
00:12:11It's just desperate constant-- he's like, "how many meals and " " I have no idea.
00:12:18It's just a blur.
00:12:19I'm just shitting and eating all day.
00:12:24I fill--pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that's it.
00:12:32Every shit is an emergency.
00:12:34Does that give you some idea " and he's trying to get a handle on my--he's like, "okay, look.
00:12:46Well, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop " I'm like, "i don't stop eating when I'm full.
00:12:55The meal is not over when I'm full.
00:12:58The meal is over when I hate myself.
00:13:01" I guess normal people eat till they're like, "oh, that's all-- I just--that's all the nutrition I require, right there.
00:13:12I just reached it.
00:13:16I will cease the intake now and convert this into useful " no.
00:13:24Every time I eat, it ends with me, "why the fuck did I eat that?
00:13:30Dude, get it away.
00:13:31I don't want to look at that shit.
00:13:33" it's all right here too.
00:13:36IT'S LIKE...[moans] I got syrup in my veins.
00:13:44Like, for blood, I got syrup.
00:13:47It's gonna be bad later.
00:13:48Ohh.
00:13:50I can't take care of myself.
00:13:53And I'm always just uncomfortable, just sweaty and just, like, i--this is such a bummer.
00:14:03Like, it's my nightmare.
00:14:05It's my whole life.
00:14:07Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs.
00:14:10I'm so happy about boxer briefs.
00:14:12It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but before boxer briefs, I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers.
00:14:20Briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here, two totally separate legs with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area, and they come down like this and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely, 'cause he's got all that air and negative space.
00:14:44But this is just all just mashed together, just upsetting, stingy, red, sweaty, just, like--this looks like a pig's ass when I'm naked.
00:15:00Like, even my dick is curly like the tail.
00:15:02This is a pig's ass.
00:15:08And I pull briefs on.
00:15:10They just go aggh and they just grab my dick and balls like, "here's your balls, you fat bastard.
00:15:14" and they just dig up in there with this viciously sharp cotton and the--aagh.
00:15:23I--after a while, I have just this wad of just damp cloth, just a wad of wet cotton, just like, the size a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton.
00:15:40And boxers were worse because they're just--they just let everything flap around and touch each other and upset each other.
00:15:47I need everything to be segregated down here.
00:15:49I need--everything would stick and just get--and also, when i had boxers on, for some reason, ..
00:16:00Like, a 1/4 cup of water, just sloshing around my asshole all the time.
00:16:08Just--"what is this water?
00:16:10It's hovering around my asshole, defying gravity, just like an upside-down glass of water " introducing wendy's spicy chicken nuggets.
00:18:22All white meat, seasoned with peppers and savory spices.
00:18:24But the real kick, you get 5 pieces for only 99 cents.
00:18:30Only at wendy's.
00:18:31♪ You know when it's real ♪
00:20:42>> I got to manage my--'cause i can't stop eating.
00:20:44I exercise a lot.
00:20:45I run five miles every other day to man--to maintain this shit body that I have, because the food, man.
00:20:54I eat like high-octane crap, like, the wor--the other day, I got a cinnabon.
00:20:59Do you know what a cinnabon is?
00:21:01Let me explain cinnabons to those of you with self-respect who just walk right by shit like that and have no idea what dudes like me are eating, because the line at cinnabon is not a varied group of people.
00:21:16It's not all kinds of folks trying out a cinnabon.
00:21:21It's not like there's a skinny chinese girl and then a little dude.
00:21:25It's just--and no one's happy on the cinnabon line.
00:21:30No one's like, "i love these.
00:21:32" no one's excited to get one.
00:21:38It's all dudes like me or fatter standing there like, "oh, fuck, I'm getting a cinnabon.
00:21:42Oh, shit.
00:21:48I got to cancel all that shit I was going to do, too, because THIS IS GONNA BE [sighs]." Here's what a cinnabon is.
00:21:54Let me explain it to you.
00:21:54It's a six-foot-high cinnamon-swirled cake made for one sad fat man.
00:22:04Even if you have a vagina, you are a man if you're eating a cinnabon.
00:22:08In that moment, you're a man.
00:22:13It's a sticky hot bun, and it comes with a little tub of jizzy hot syrup.
00:22:21It's hot cum.
00:22:22There's no way that's not hot cum.
00:22:25How is that not hot cum?
00:22:27They should call it a fat faggot ..
00:22:35Just to make us say that when we--'cause we'll--that won't slow us down.
00:22:38We don't give a shit.
00:22:39"Yeah, gimme a fat faggot treat, please.
00:22:44Yeah, with the hot cum.
00:22:45Dude, I don't care.
00:22:51What, do you think I have integrity?
00:22:53I'm buying a cinnabon right now.
00:22:57I'm buying a cinnabon at the " you understand why that's extra disgusting, right?
00:23:14'Cause when you're leaving-- you know, if you're at your destin--you know, when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can go like, "oh, I got to eat.
00:23:21I need some food, and-- 'cause I might be trapped in the sky forever, and i " but this is, "i've landed.
00:23:30" I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit.
00:23:38And I'm sitting on my luggage just fuckin' eating a cinnabon with a fork and knife, JUST [moans].
00:23:50It was shitty one too.
00:23:52It was old.
00:23:54The dude at the thing, he was about to take it in and close, and I was like, "uh-uh, no, no.
00:23:58Gimme--gimme that.
00:23:59" and he didn't want to sell it to me.
00:24:03He was like, "this is very old.
00:24:03Please don't buy.
00:24:04Don't buy.
00:24:05" I was like, "dude, I'm eating that.
00:24:09That's what's gonna happen next.
00:24:13You decide if we're gonna be in the paper tomorrow, but that shit's going in my face.
00:24:23I already made the shitty decision.
00:24:25Don't ruin it.
00:24:26Just gimme the--gimme the jizz.
00:24:28" I'm just drinking the jizz with my eyes closed.
00:24:34The cinnabon jizz.
00:24:37Big, fat faggot that I am.
00:24:42I am.
00:24:42I'm a fat faggot.
00:27:24>> I had this--you are where are you are, you know?
00:27:26I mean, I'm 40 now, and that's, you know, I mean, I'm 40.
00:27:28I'm half dead, basically.
00:27:3040'S a weird age.
00:27:31You get to this point where, like, you're not old enough for anybody to give a shit that you're old.
00:27:35Nobody's like, "i helped a 40-year-old guy today and it felt really good to do something " nobody spends their holidays delivering hot meals to 40-year-olds.
00:27:45And you're not young enough for anybody to ever be proud of you or impressed.
00:27:48They're just like, "yeah, do " nobody cares.
00:27:51That's what you're supposed to do.
00:27:55And the world looks at you-- they're like, when you're 40, if you go to the doctor, the doc-- guess what.
00:27:59They don't try to fix anything anymore.
00:28:00They stop trying to fix shit when you get to be 40.
00:28:03They don't--they just go, "yeah, " they don't care.
00:28:09I went to the doctor 'cause my ankle hurt, right?
00:28:11Now, if you're 20 and you have a bad shoulder, the doctor will reconstruct your shoulder through miracles of modern science.
00:28:19He'll take your ear and make a shoulder out of it.
00:28:21It's weird.
00:28:23But when you're 40, they just give you no options.
00:28:26They don't care.
00:28:27I went 'cause my ankle--like, i was limping for, like, a month, out of nowhere, and the doctor, he brings me and he shows me an x-ray of my ankle.
00:28:34He's like, "yeah, your ankle's " I was like, "what do you mean?
00:28:45" he's like, "no, it's just shitty now.
00:28:51Did you see that dark area?
00:28:52Yuck.
00:28:53It's all hardened.
00:28:55Yeah, they get like that, and then they're not good " I was like, "well, so just good-bye?
00:29:03Nothing? is there nothing?
00:29:05You just--nothing?
00:29:06There's no--it's like incurable shitty ankle.
00:29:08" and he goes, "well, there's things you can do.
00:29:11You can stretch.
00:29:12For 1/2 hour a day, " I was like, how long will that " he's like, "no, you just do that now.
00:29:22That's just a new thing you do until you and your shitty ankle " I was ts " and he goes, "well, you could take aleve.
00:29:40Just take aleve.
00:29:41You could buy it.
00:29:41Just take it.
00:29:43And you can take whatever amount.
00:29:45It doesn't matter.
00:29:46Like, don't pay attention to the " " he's like, "yeah, you could take ten a day.
00:29:52" he said take ten aleve a day.
00:29:57I said, "i heard--doesn't that stuff, like, hurt your " he goes, "oh, yeah, it'll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just got to weigh that against how much you " this is all totally true, by the way.
00:30:12This is exactly what happened.
00:30:14And at one point, I was like, "what if I was, like, " and he goes, "you're not an ..
00:30:23So 'no' to whatever else " it's bleak.
00:30:31It's harder for old people.
00:30:33My grandmother's 95.
00:30:34She can't see out of her left eye.
00:30:35It just shut off.
00:30:37And the last time we went to see her, she's like, "i can't see out of my left eye," and we're all like, "oh.
00:30:41Hey, what was christmas like in THE '40s?" ..
00:30:45Maybe run out the clock on the eye thing if we're lucky, you know?
00:30:49So I go to her doctor.
00:30:50He's right at the end of the hall.
00:30:51He's there always, like, 90 feet away from her.
00:30:53So I go to the doctor and i said, "you know, she can't see out of her left eye at all," and, I swear to god, he goes, "well, she's probably got " I swear to god.
00:31:03That's exactly what he said.
00:31:06I remember it 'cause I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this particular diagnosis.
00:31:16He said that she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her head.
00:31:25He's a doctor and he called it her head.
00:31:30" I swear to god.
00:31:32Like, that's what he was thinking.
00:31:34"She's probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head.
00:31:37Who gives a shit?
00:31:38That old cunt will be dead in a week.
00:31:40I ain't gonna--i ain't gonna get up from my desk 'cause of her eye.
00:31:45What, does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don't love " anyway, there again, I'm halfway there.
00:31:5940-Year-old guys are not good specimens either.
00:32:02We're not-- like, I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends.
00:32:06He always goes and--they're--and he goes a little too--they're too young, and it's not okay.
00:32:11You know, he brings 'em around, " like, literally, you point at her face and go, " ..
00:32:21" just bad, you know?
00:32:27But so he was gonna have sex with her one night, and he said he wanted to go all night, like he wanted to really last a long time, so he said, "i'm gonna drink a lot of milk so I can " I was like, "well, who told you " and he goes, "well, 'cause you " this guy actually thinks that, like, you run out of cum, but if you drink milk, your body goes like, "oh, dude, that's perfect.
00:32:56Just send that right through.
00:32:57That's fine.
00:32:58..
00:33:00Nobody'll know the difference.
00:33:01Just go ahead and send it " run out of cum.
00:33:05In a pinch, milk is fine.
00:33:06It--you know, it doesn't matter.
00:33:08Go ahead and send it right through, spray it all over his cat's face, whatever he was doing.
00:33:15What?
00:33:18I'll cum on my cat's face.
00:33:21If she's watching, she's gonna get a face full of cum.
00:33:24She knows that by now.
00:33:25She knows.
00:33:26It's her fault now.
00:33:30Cum on my cat's face once, shame on me.
00:33:41I don't have a cat.
00:33:42I don't have a cat.
00:33:43I never had one.
00:33:44I mean, I would cum on a cat's face.
00:33:46I'm not trying to say--i'm not trying to take that back.
00:33:48I just don't happen to have a cat.
00:33:51I have a dog.
00:33:52And I had a dog when I was ..
00:33:56Yeah, I did once.
00:33:58..
00:34:01I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls, which is something you now can't unknow.
00:34:09You just know it.
00:34:11I did this.
00:34:14And I only hesitated to start the sentence only 'cause i wasn't sure whether to say that I let my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I made him lick cottage cheese.
00:34:27And really, considering how much dogs love cheese, I think I'd have to say I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
00:34:33I think that's probably the fairest way to put it.
00:34:39I remember it so clearly.
00:34:42And I remember the look on the dog's face.
00:34:44He was like, "aw, fuck, dude.
00:34:45What's wrong with you?
00:34:48Why are you doing this to us?
00:34:51Just put it on a plate.
00:34:52Why do I have to lick it off your goddamn balls?
00:34:55Ahhhh.
00:34:58All right, come on.
00:34:59Fine, let's do it.
00:34:59I'm doing it. I don't care.
00:35:00Look, you got to live with it, because I'll be dead in two years.
00:35:03I'm a dog.
00:35:04" wantsa dollars.
00:35:42We don't go lower than 130.
00:35:46Big deal, persuade him.
00:35:52Is it wise to allow a perishable item to spoil?
00:35:55He asked, why leave a room empty?
00:35:57The additional revenue easily covers operating costs.
00:35:5965 Dollars is better than no dollars.
00:36:02Okay. $65 for tonight.
00:36:04You can't argue with a big deal.
00:36:22Your homecoming queen is...
00:38:12Becca Winegar!
00:38:14[Cheering and applause] >> Sorry I'm being so negative.
00:39:02I had--i'm a bummer.
00:39:03I don't know.
00:39:04I shouldn't be.
00:39:05I'm a very, you know, lucky guy.
00:39:07I got a lot going for me.
00:39:08I'm healthy.
00:39:09I'm relatively young.
00:39:10I'm white, which, thank god for that shit, boy.
00:39:12That is a huge leg up.
00:39:14Are you kidding me?
00:39:16Oh, god, I love being white.
00:39:17I really do.
00:39:18Seriously, if you're not white, you're missing out, because this shit is thoroughly good.
00:39:26It--and let me be clear right away.
00:39:27I'm not saying that white people are better.
00:39:29I'm saying that being white is clearly better.
00:39:32Who could even argue?
00:39:36If it was an option, I would re-up every year.
00:39:38Oh, yeah, I'll take white again.
00:39:39Absolutely.
00:39:40I've been enjoying that.
00:39:41I'm gonna stick with white, thank you.
00:39:46Here's how great it is to be white.
00:39:47I could get in a time machine and go to any time, and it would be fucking awesome when I get there.
00:39:59That is exclusively a white privilege.
00:40:02Black people can't fuck with time machines.
00:40:05A black guy and a time machine is like, "hey, anything before 1980, no, thank you.
00:40:08" but I can go to any time.
00:40:13The year 2.
00:40:14I don't even know what was happening then, but I know when I get there, "welcome.
00:40:18We have a table right here for " oh, thank you.
00:40:23It's lovely here in the year 2.
00:40:27I can go to any time in the past.
00:40:29I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people, because we're gonna pay hard for this shit.
00:40:34You got to know that.
00:40:36We're not gonna just fall from number one to two.
00:40:39They're gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever, and we totally deserve it.
00:40:45But for now, whee!
00:40:52Now, if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole.
00:40:57It is great.
00:40:58And I'm a man.
00:40:59How many advantages could one person have?
00:41:02I'm a white man.
00:41:04You can't even hurt my feelings.
00:41:08What could you really call a white man that really digs deep?
00:41:11" "ugh. ruined my day.
00:41:15Boy, shouldn't have called me a cracker.
00:41:20Bringing me back to owning land and people.
00:41:22" I am married, though.
00:41:37That takes me down a few pegs.
00:41:42The other night, my wife sent me to walgreens to get toilet paper 'cause we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house.
00:41:57So I'm driving to walgreens.
00:41:58It was nighttime, and I'm driving, and I see a deer.
00:42:01And I fucking hate deer.
00:42:04I hate 'em 'cause they're everywhere up there.
00:42:06I used to live in the city, and I loved deer then, 'cause I was this liberal in the city.
00:42:10And I'd see deer, and, you know, you're driving with your friends out to the country, and you see a deer, and everybody's like, "oh, my god. turn off the car.
00:42:15Don't scare the deer.
00:42:16It's just so beautiful.
00:42:17Look at the beautiful deer.
00:42:19Look how he looks around.
00:42:20It's just so mysterious and beautiful.
00:42:23Oh, god gave us a gift, everybody.
00:42:25Just enjoy it.
00:42:26Just enjoy the gift of the " but now I live--and deer are in my fucking yard every day and they suck.
00:42:35They're just rats with hooves.
00:42:37They don't matter.
00:42:41They have ticks that give you lyme disease and they shit everywhere.
00:42:46And they make a noise.
00:42:47Did you know that?
00:42:48" they're assholes.
00:42:50They're shit animals.
00:42:54I go out every morning and throw rocks at 'em, and I try really hard to hit them in the--on the head with rocks.
00:43:04And they don't care.
00:43:05THEY'RE LIKE, [imitates fart].
00:43:07They don't care.
00:43:12I don't have a gun, but if i did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
00:43:17I wouldn't feel anything.
00:43:20I'd just go, "oh, look.
00:43:21He's dead.
00:43:22That's interesting.
00:43:24I guess that's what happens when you shoot 'em in the fucking " I'd go out of my way to kill a deer.
00:43:32I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleedy dicks so i could get aids and then fuck a deer and kill it with my aids.
00:43:39I would do that in a second.
00:43:42I mean it.
00:43:43I mean it.
00:43:50So I see this deer, and this is how dumb these deer--i hit him with the headlights, and he does, "duh," that whole thing, and then he won't just go.
00:43:58He's like, "can i--can I go-- " like he--and I'm like, " and he's like, "i don't know if " " and then I get clo--and then i tried kind of getting away from him, then I see him, and he " he panics.
00:44:14I swear.
00:44:15And he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car.
00:44:20Like, just splat.
00:44:23Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror.
00:44:26Broke his neck.
00:44:27I heard him break his own fucking neck.
00:44:30And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods, and he died.
00:44:41And I'm glad he's dead.
00:44:44I was glad right away.
00:44:47I got out of my car.
00:44:48I did, and I yelled into the woods, "i'm glad you're dead, you fucking idiot!
00:44:56I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart.
00:45:01Hope your deer babies starve to death.
00:45:04You broke my mirror, you faggot hello ♪♪
00:46:04♪♪ I know I know I know I shoulda gone to ♪♪
00:46:05 ♪♪
00:46:08 coulda got ♪♪
00:46:12♪♪ ♪♪
00:46:14 free credit score and report with enrollment in triple advantage.
00:48:59>> So I go to walgreens.
00:49:02I just kept going.
00:49:06I got to buy drugs all the time 'cause I got kids.
00:49:08Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house, and you get sick from 'em all the time.
00:49:13I got sick--last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth.
00:49:22JUST [coughs].
00:49:23Hit me right in the back of the throat.
00:49:26I'm like, "thanks, honey.
00:49:27I'm sick right now.
00:49:27" she did this, by the way, because she's trying to tell me a secret.
00:49:35And she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths.
00:49:40She takes her whole face, "I HAVE TO TELL [coughs] I have to tell you a secret," which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behavior, if you ask me.
00:49:55And by the way, she's five.
00:49:58Five years old.
00:49:58What secret does she have that I really need to hear?
00:50:04Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm gonna go, "holy shit, are you serious?
00:50:09Oh, my god.
00:50:12Honey, I won't tell anybody.
00:50:13That is fucked up, though.
00:50:14Seriously?
00:50:17She got an abortion on christmas eve?
00:50:18" she's five.
00:50:27Five years old.
00:50:28You know what that means?
00:50:28Nothing that she says matters.
00:50:32She's never said anything actually important in her entire life.
00:50:38I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said, and nothing would be different.
00:50:45Everything would have been exactly the same.
00:50:48I enjoy the things she says.
00:50:50They're beautiful and poetic.
00:50:51I love hearing them, but I don't have to fucking hear any of it.
00:50:54And that's an important distinction.
00:50:56If you're a parent, you just aren't making it, because you can't listen to 'em all the time that they're talking.
00:50:59'Cause they're talking all the time, and they just talk whenever.
00:51:02They don't give a shit what you're doing or if it's a good time.
00:51:05I'm in a shootout with the cops, and she's telling me all kinds of shit.
00:51:09She doesn't care because she's five.
00:51:11They don't--they're self-absorbed people.
00:51:13They have no ability-- no five-year-old ever goes like, "no, go ahead and finish.
00:51:16" they just can't.
00:51:23And sometimes, it's impossible.
00:51:25Like, the other day, I was in new york city with my kids.
00:51:26I got two of these fucking things.
00:51:28Remember that, please.
00:51:28Two of 'em.
00:51:30And I'm--we're in the crowded streets.
00:51:32I got this one here, the two-year-old.
00:51:33I'm carry--she can walk, but she won't.
00:51:35She's a bullshitter, so I'm carrying her, and she weighs like 20 babies, this kid.
00:51:42I don't--she's tiny, but she's got the density of a dying sun.
00:51:46I don't understand how she's this heavy.
00:51:50It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball.
00:51:53That's what she feels like.
00:51:56And the pain in my shoulder is intense, and it's sending signals to my brain like, "you don't love her. just drop her.
00:52:02She doesn't matter.
00:52:03" so I'm fighting that on this side.
00:52:10I got the five-year-old like this.
00:52:11I hope it's her.
00:52:12I haven't looked back in about an hour.
00:52:14I'm just dragging somebody tiny, just through many strangers' thighs.
00:52:21Briefcase corners are hitting her in the temple.
00:52:23I don't give a shit.
00:52:27I'm in a hurry 'cause my pockets vibrating and my wife's calling to see where I am, even though she sent me to do this shit, and I'm yelling into my pocket like she can hear me.
00:52:35"I'm fucking coming!
00:52:35" and this one is talking the whole time.
00:52:43The whole time, with a tiny voice, two feet off the ground.
00:52:48What, am I gonna listen to this shit?
00:52:50Really?
00:52:55What, am I gonna take a knee every two seconds, "what's that, sweetie?
00:52:57Go ahead. what's that?
00:52:58Uh-huh.
00:53:00What--excuseme,sir.
00:53:01Go ahead. it's fine.
00:53:03Yeah.
00:53:05Yeah, sometimes dogs are brown.
00:53:06" it's a good thing I didn't miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face.
00:53:16What kind of a father would I be if I pretended to listen to that.
00:53:23I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence.
00:53:25That was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself.
00:53:28She just said the little words.
00:53:29I was doing the dishes, and behind me, I just hear her.
00:53:31She just goes, "daddy, I don't " I dropped my plate.
00:53:37My wife and I cried and hugged.
00:53:39That's a big moment.
00:53:41A week later, I'm making dinner, and she goes, "daddy, I don't " "well, you're--we're fuckin' having chicken.
00:53:47" I don't like chicken.
00:53:52I don't like you, okay?
00:53:53I don't like you.
00:53:55I don't like people that make me work and don't appreciate what i make for them.
00:54:00You don't like chicken?
00:54:01Then make whatever the fuck you want then.
00:54:02Get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is you want so much.
00:54:10I don't like chicken.
00:54:11You'll like the chicken when i shove it up your ass, 'cause that's where it's going if you don't eat it.
00:54:15Seriously.
00:54:18I will grind it up in the cuisinart and then blow it up " I got to feed her.
00:54:26She's got to eat.
00:57:25>> When your kid won't eat, you--you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them.
00:57:30It's an instinct.
00:57:31And when they're sitting there, just looking at their food, you're like, "just fucking eat it!
00:57:36You'll die, you idiot.
00:57:37" " "it doesn't matter.
00:57:46Put it in your face.
00:57:48They have your footprint at the hospital.
00:57:50They know that I have you.
00:57:51I'm not allowed to let you die, you piece of shit.
00:57:53Eat it!
00:57:55You have a social security number.
00:57:57You're on the grid, motherfucker.
00:57:58Eat!
00:58:04If you're skinny, I go to jail.
00:58:05" and I love my kids, and I'd die for them, but my life, it fucking stinks.
00:58:13It just does.
00:58:14It's what it is.
00:58:15When you're a parent, you know-- it's all--all pleasures are gone.
00:58:18You don't--nobody fucks you ever again.
00:58:20That shit's just over.
00:58:21You don't--you can't sleep.
00:58:23You don't sleep.
00:58:24You don't eat.
00:58:25You don't eat meals.
00:58:26You just eat at the sink fast, standing up.
00:58:29Some macaroni and cheese that she didn't fucking eat, and that's your dinner now.
00:58:32" .." you don't do anything fun.
00:58:37Your single friend's like, " "no, I didn't see the fucking " and you can't even enjoy being a parent because there's no pride in it 'cause we suck at it.
00:58:48Everybody sucks.
00:58:48We make huge mistakes, and then you just go, "whoops.
00:58:51Permanent damage there.
00:58:52" my five-year-old has all these twitches and weird fears.
00:58:59I'm like, "good luck with that shit, honey.
00:59:01That's all my handiwork.
00:59:03" and it gets harder too.
00:59:08You think it's gonna get easier.
00:59:09Like, when they're babies, you think that's the hard part, 'cause you got to do everything.
00:59:12You got to feed 'em.
00:59:12You got put their clothes on.
00:59:14You got to put 'em in the car.
00:59:15You got to do everything.
00:59:16But you think it's gonna get easier, 'cause they're gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves.
00:59:20But they're not.
00:59:20They're gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won't do it.
00:59:24So it's actually easier when they're babies, 'cause when you want 'em to eat, you just take food and just shove it in their face.
00:59:29You got to put on a shoe, you just take a foot and just put a shoe on it.
00:59:34Pull her arms through the sweater.
00:59:39Throw her in the car and kick the door closed.
00:59:46And then you get the--parents live for the tiny vacations from their kids.
00:59:49The little, tiny--like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door, and that little walk around to your own door.
00:59:56It's like a carnival cruise.
00:59:58It's just the greatest, "mmmm.
01:00:00Ohhh.
01:00:02" and you just stand at your door like, "okay, oh, that was bad.
01:00:06Fuck.
01:00:07Oh, that shit was--what did i say?
01:00:09Fuck it. that was bad.
01:00:10Okay.
01:00:12Okay.
01:00:13" I was changing my daughter the other day, and she's too old for diapers now, but she's still in 'em, and it's bad because this kid does not poop.
01:00:24This kid craps.
01:00:26This is not okay anymore.
01:00:27I was changing her diaper the other day.
01:00:29It was like a 48-year-old alcoholic man's shit in her diaper.
01:00:34Like she was out all night, drinking jager, and she went to denny's and got a grand slam.
01:00:43Ate half of it.
01:00:44Got in a fight in the parking lot.
01:00:47Passed out in a pontiac and shit herself.
01:00:51Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn.
01:00:58And now I got to clean it.
01:01:01And it's crazy.
01:01:02And you can't even react.
01:01:03You can't go like, "what the fuck?
01:01:05" you can't--you'll fuck 'em up about their own shit.
01:01:09You got to be nice.
01:01:11You open her diaper.
01:01:12It's just chaos in there.
01:01:13It's just bananas.
01:01:15It's just--i--every new-- every shit amazes me.
01:01:18I'm never used to it.
01:01:19Every one, I'm like, "okay, wow.
01:01:21That is--what is that?
01:01:25You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think, " and--but you can't.
01:01:38You got to be like, you know, you just go, "oh, what do you-- wow.
01:01:44You really got something there, honey.
01:01:45That's really something.
01:01:49..okay.
01:01:52Well, all right, let me scrape that off your knees for you.
01:01:58Just get it down off your back.
01:02:01Just get all this hazmat in one place.
01:02:05Wipe you down.
01:02:07Clean your tiny vagina " who knew that that was gonna be my life?
01:02:12I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day?
01:02:21They don't tell you that.
01:02:25When you're getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says, "you know, you're gonna have to clean the vagina a lot, because every time she takes a shit, it goes straight " they don't tell you that.
01:02:40Nobody tells you.
01:02:44And they should.
01:02:45It's a big part of being a dad.
01:02:46It's bigger than christmas.
01:02:48It happens every day.
01:02:50And you got to get it right, front to back.
01:02:51It's very important.
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01:06:19>> I'm glad I got girls, though.
01:06:20Girls are great.
01:06:21I don't want to clean shit off of some kid's balls.
01:06:24I'm glad that's not my job.
01:06:25I don't--boys, I feel weird about them.
01:06:28I have nephews that come over and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and--i just don't like-- their little penises bother me.
01:06:36I don't know.
01:06:37I just get this weird feeling like they're gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks.
01:06:43I know it's an irrational fear, but it's very real to me.
01:06:47I'm gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up, [yells] "What are you doing?
01:06:52" " "fuck! get out of there!
01:06:58Control your kids, could you?
01:06:59They're fucking my nose while " boys are hard to raise, man.
01:07:11I have--all my sisters have boys, and I just feel for 'em, because it's really hard, and they really do--here's the thing, though.
01:07:18Girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level.
01:07:20They just--they're different.
01:07:22Here's the difference to me, between boys and girls.
01:07:24Boys fuck things up.
01:07:28Girls are fucked up.
01:07:33That's the difference.
01:07:36Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars, like a hurricane.
01:07:43Girls, like, leave scars in your psyche that you find later, like a genocide or an atrocity.
01:07:53Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy.
01:07:56He's like four years old.
01:07:57And she comes over, and she's just--she's been with him all day, so she's in bad shape.
01:08:02She's got a drink, and she's like, "i can't. I can't.
01:08:04I can't do it.
01:08:05I can't do it.
01:08:06" and I put, like, an army blanket around her and try to calm her down.
01:08:12And then her little boy walks up to her.
01:08:14He's got a handful of sand.
01:08:15I don't know where he got it.
01:08:16There's no sand in my home.
01:08:19He's got a handful of it.
01:08:22Walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink.
01:08:30It's all she had, and he just ruined it.
01:08:37Really confident too.
01:08:38Not like this.
01:08:38He was like, "yeah, that's where that shit goes.
01:08:40" and I was blown away by this, because I have girls.
01:08:51They would never dream of doing that.
01:08:53It wouldn't even enter their heads that a person could do that.
01:08:56But they're fucked up.
01:08:57Like, my five-year-old, the other day, one of her toys broke, and she demanded that i break her sister's toy to make it fair.
01:09:10And I did.
01:09:15That's how much shit she gave me.
01:09:17I broke the little toy, and I felt awful.
01:09:20I was, like, crying.
01:09:21And I look at her.
01:09:23She's got this creepy smile on her face.
01:09:31That's the difference between boys and girls.
01:09:33And it becomes the difference between men and women, really, because a man will, like, steal your car or burn your house down or beat the shit out of you, but a woman will ruin your fucking life.
01:09:47Do you see the difference?
01:09:49Like, a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you, as a human being, intact.
01:09:57He won't fuck with who you are.
01:10:00Women are nonviolent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
01:10:12My wife and i, we've been married for about nine years now, so we're almost done, ..
01:10:22After nine years and two kids, you start looking at each other like, "we're not--no--it's [laughing] NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA Just keep doing this.
01:10:28" we went to therapy for a while, and the therapist was like-- one day, he goes, "you should go " and I'm like, "fuck you.
01:10:38.." I did go on a date with my wife, and I don't think I'm gonna call her again.
01:10:42Wasn't really fun.
01:10:48Some things do get easier as you've been married for a while.
01:10:50You start to understand each other better, and you start looking at yourself more.
01:10:53You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change 'em or figure them out, then you start realizing what you're bringing to the table, and you blame them less for shit, you know?
01:11:00Like, my wife will never fuck me again.
01:11:02I know that now.
01:11:03But I just feel differently about it.
01:11:05I used to get mad.
01:11:06I used to be like, "she hasn't fucked me in months.
01:11:08" now I look at myself, and I'm like, "how did she fuck me for " she fucked me for years.
01:11:21She couldn't possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks, which means she took about 500 for the team.
01:11:28You got to respect that shit.
01:11:31'Cause I'm gonna--because it's-- I think it's hard for women to have sex if they don't feel like it.
01:11:36It's not a skill they have generally.
01:11:38Men have it.
01:11:39That's just different.
01:11:39We have different sexual skills.
01:11:41Men can fuck--whatever.
01:11:42We don't care.
01:11:43We'll fuck you if we don't like you.
01:11:45Everybody knows that.
01:11:47But we'll fuck you even if we don't feel like fucking you.
01:11:52Even if we're not hard.
01:11:52"Oh, I'll fuck you.
01:11:53Gimme a second.
01:11:54" we don't care.
01:11:55We'll fuck things.
01:11:58We'll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey's ass.
01:12:01We don't give a shit.
01:12:02We are jizz on demand.
01:12:04We just have no--we don't care.
01:12:06Women have another skill, which is that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me.
01:12:15Women can decide not to fuck in the middle of fucking.
01:12:21That is so weird to me, that they can just stop 'cause of some other shit that distracted them.
01:12:26If I'm fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom's head off, and I'll be like, "whoa.
01:12:36Hmm.
01:12:39Soon as I cum, we're gonna have a talk about that picture.
01:12:43.." >> 'cause I need to cum.
01:16:27I need to.
01:16:27To--cumming is a need.
01:16:29I came the first time when I was 12, and I haven't skipped a day.
01:16:34I cum every day.
01:16:36And I've fucked maybe 20 times ..
01:16:39It's just been me doing most of the work.
01:16:42And I really--you know, I jerk off way too much, and it upsets me.
01:16:45I don't know why.
01:16:46Maybe it's 'cause it's so selfish.
01:16:47I don't know what it is, but i know it's bad.
01:16:49I know I'm hurting somebody somewhere.
01:16:51There's something wrong with-- like, I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after september 11th you masturbated, like, how long you waited.
01:17:01And for me, it was between the two buildings going down, ..
01:17:11I had to do it.
01:17:11I had to, otherwise, they win.
01:17:12That's the way I was looking at it at the time.
01:17:14It was a really strange time for all of us.
01:17:20And I know you all waited a whole week because you're awesome, but I just couldn't do it.
01:17:26A boner's a boner.
01:17:28It's got to go.
01:17:28Something's got to happen.
01:17:31Boners just--they ruin everything.
01:17:33And I've--i really hate boners.
01:17:35I hate every one I've ever had.
01:17:36I remember the first time.
01:17:37I was nine.
01:17:38That's the worst thing about a little boy's life is that you start getting boners when you're nine, and you don't cum for three fucking years.
01:17:47It's three years of just vicious little boners.
01:17:51They--ugh--they don't go away, so you just pass out, moaning, in a ditch somewhere.
01:17:58And you wake up, you're still hard.
01:18:00It's awful.
01:18:01If you ever see a nine-year-old boy on the street, just give him 20 bucks 'cause he's very unhappy.
01:18:06Or suck his dick.
01:18:06However you feel like you can help him out.
01:18:14I remember that, man.
01:18:15I remember being nine and just being hard and not knowing why or what to do.
01:18:21I just would rub my dick against stuff.
01:18:22That's all I did.
01:18:24Everything.
01:18:25If I was standing in front of a car, I would just press it against the car.
01:18:27Oh.
01:18:29It's warm from the sun.
01:18:31It's good.
01:18:36I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my whole house, basically.
01:18:40I would just fuck the house.
01:18:42I'd fuck the walls and the floor.
01:18:44If you have a nine-year-old boy at home, he's fucking your house right now, 'cause that's what we do.
01:18:48I'd just fuck-- we had a corduroy couch.
01:18:50That couch was my bitch.
01:18:51I fucked it all day, just humping with no results, just frustrated.
01:18:59I used to do weird things with my dick, too, like I'd close it in the refrigerator door.
01:19:02I don't know why.
01:19:04I just liked the pressure.
01:19:06I liked that one side was metal and the other was that accordion-like rubber with a magnet in it.
01:19:10I JUST [moans].
01:19:12The cold air on my balls.
01:19:13[moans] "It's good. it's good.
01:19:16I don't know why, " I don't know how I ever got laid, really, 'cause I was awful at it.
01:19:26I still am.
01:19:27I never understood, like, there's guys that just have this confidence and they can, like, go out with a girl, know when to lean in and kiss her and shit.
01:19:33I just--i couldn't--i would just " like, I'd just blurt it out.
01:19:43I remember one night I was with a girl.
01:19:44I was, like, 20 years old.
01:19:45I was already doing stand-up, and I did a show in , and after the show, one of the waitresses came back to my hotel.
01:19:50She was really cute.
01:19:51And we're making out in my hotel, and she's into it.
01:19:54She's, like, humping me, so i start putting my hand up her shirt, and she stops me.
01:19:59" so then we're making out more, and then I start putting my hand on her ass, and she stops me.
01:20:04So after a while, she went home.
01:20:06Nothing happened.
01:20:07And then the next night, I saw her at the club, and she goes, " " and she goes, "how come we " I was like, "'cause you didn't " she's like, "yes, I did.
01:20:20" I was like, "why did you keep " and she goes, "'cause I wanted " I was like, "what does that " she says, "i'm kind of weird.
01:20:31I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me.
01:20:34Like, that's a big turn-on " and I was like, "well, you should have told me.
01:20:39I would have happily done that " and she says, "no, it has to " I'm like, "what, are you out of your fucking mind?
01:20:47You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that " what kind of an idiot-- "hmm, I'm getting kind of a rape-y vibe from this girl.
01:21:05I don't know.
01:21:07I suspect she might enjoy being raped.
01:21:09Maybe that's her thing.
01:21:12I don't want to ask first and ruin it, so I'm--just take a shot and rape her.
01:21:16What the hell.
01:21:18What's the worst that could " jesus.
01:23:46>> Anyway, that's all history.
01:23:47Sex for me.
01:23:48It's gone.
01:23:49It's just me and my wife, and it's sad 'cause my wife is beautiful.
01:23:52I love to look at her, and i feel for her--she's gorgeous.
01:23:55She really is.
01:23:56She's--she just turned 40, and she looks awesome.
01:23:59And it's not because she looks younger than 40.
01:24:01She looks 40 on the nose.
01:24:03But I like that.
01:24:04I didn't know I would, but i find it really sexy.
01:24:06I like that.
01:24:07I like women women.
01:24:07It's a huge turn-on.
01:24:08She's got--she's got gray streaks in her hair, and I find that sexy.
01:24:11I really do.
01:24:12She's got strong arms from picking up the kids.
01:24:14She's strong and sexy on a whole other level, you know?
01:24:17She's changing.
01:24:18She smells different.
01:24:19She used to have blue eyes.
01:24:20They're black now.
01:24:21She's, like, intense, kind of crazy-looking, you know?
01:24:27All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her, you know?
01:24:30She's got character.
01:24:33She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dust bowl farmers, you know?
01:24:41She's intense. I like it.
01:24:42It turns me on.
01:24:43That's what I like now.
01:24:44I like women--women women, you know?
01:24:46Girls, I'm done, long time ago.
01:24:4822-Year-old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time.
01:24:53" that's not me anymore.
01:24:57I like women.
01:24:58And I know that that's offensive to 22-year-old girls that are like, "i'm a woman.
01:25:01I'm 22.
01:25:02I'm totally a woman.
01:25:04I study women's issues " not to me, sorry.
01:25:10To me, you're not a woman till you had a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet.
01:25:13That's really--when you become a woman is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams.
01:25:19..
01:25:23If you're still standing after that shit, you are a woman.
01:25:28If you're still going to clubs and you have a ponytail and a little dress and you're standing outside of a club, waiting to get in, and it's 2 degrees, you got no jacket, just a little dress, "it's gonna be great in " you're a girl.
01:25:39I want to give you a sweater and a ride home.
01:25:41I don't want to fuck you.
01:25:42I'll jerk off to you, but i don't want to fuck you and get involved with-- I do want to fuck you, but you won't fuck me, so fuck you anyway.
01:25:50..
01:25:55I--i'll totally fuck you.
01:25:56..
01:26:00This is the difference between girls and women, and it's not about age.
01:26:03Like, that's--this--there's a reason why they call it girls gone wild.
01:26:07You notice, there's no women gone wild, 'cause no one would fucking buy the wild women dvd, because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people.
01:26:18When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
01:26:25That's what wild women do.
01:26:27They don't show their tits to nobody.
01:26:30They fuck with their bras on.
01:26:32It's a whole other thing.
01:26:35Try taking your 40-year-old wife's picture when she comes out of the shower.
01:26:38"Fuck you!
01:26:39" it's not funny.
01:26:44She's not--you thought it would be cute, like--she's like, " " 'cause she doesn't have tits anymore.
01:26:53She has breasts that need to be checked and maintained.
01:26:58I get bills for my wife's breasts.
01:27:00That's some grown-up woman shit right there.
01:27:03Girls have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that's awesome, but you're not a woman till you got long chewed-up nipples.
01:27:19And you're not a man till you suck one of those fucking things either, by the way.
01:27:25Thank you very much, folks.
01:27:26I hope you had a good time.
01:27:28Thank you.
01:27:31Good night.
01:27:32[cheers and applause]3 2 F1

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