Louis C.K.: Hilarious   View more episodes

Aired at 02:00 AM on Wednesday, Jan 12, 2011 (1/12/2011)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:04♪ ♪
00:00:11- already got my tickets.
00:00:13Mezzanine, baby.
00:00:14- All right, nice.
00:00:15Domers, sit tight, because you've got the best seats in the house, and we've got four more hours ofsportsdomecoming your way.
00:00:20- Looks like our friend from h.r.
00:00:23Is dropping by for a visit.
00:00:24Not--not really sure why, though.
00:00:26- Well, if you just sit tight, we will get you through this.
00:00:29Keep your cool.
00:00:29Domeis coming back.
00:00:30Stick with us.
00:00:34- Oh, come on!
00:00:34I can't say "poon"?
00:00:36It's in the dictionary!
00:00:37- All right.
00:04:26[building keyboard music] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:04:50>> [indistinct speech] >> Yeah.
00:05:11[crowd cheering] [indistinct voices] >> Yeah!
00:05:24[rhythmic clapping] >> Ready?
00:05:30A spotlight, spotlight, spotlight.
00:05:32[cheers and applause] [crowd cheering] >> Thank you.
00:06:01Thank you very much.
00:06:04Thank you.
00:06:05Hello, everybody.
00:06:08I mean, by "everybody," I mean, uh, you guys.
00:06:13I mean everybody who is here.
00:06:15Really, I shouldn't say, "everybody," because most people are not here.
00:06:22By a pretty huge majority, most people are not here.
00:06:28Most people are in china, actually.
00:06:32It's true.
00:06:33Actually, that's not true.
00:06:34Most people are dead.
00:06:36Did you know that?
00:06:38It's true.
00:06:39Out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
00:06:43There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die, and-- and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive.
00:06:53Like, that's mostly what you're ever gonna be.
00:06:58You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
00:07:00That's-- [laughter] There are so many dead people.
00:07:07Ray charles is dead, hitler, bunch of other ones.
00:07:15But mostly those two guys.
00:07:16And it's true.
00:07:19Ray charles and hitler are both dead, and really it's the only thing they have in common, because otherwise they're very different dudes.
00:07:26Many contrasts between hitler and ray charles.
00:07:30I'll tell you a few of them.
00:07:33Ray charles was black.
00:07:35Hitler was not.
00:07:41Hitler killed several jews.
00:07:44Too many, I'll say "too many".
00:07:46He killed an excessive amount of jews.
00:07:48He really beat that thing to the ground.
00:07:52He killed way--just no moderation.
00:07:58Ray charles, meanwhile, hardly any jews.
00:08:01He killed so few jews.
00:08:09Uh-- I don't know how to start shows.
00:08:15It's just a problem that I have.
00:08:18I never figured out how to come out and just start talking, because the first thing you say onstage always feels stupid, because there's no real reason for me to talk to you.
00:08:29It just doesn't exist.
00:08:31I don't know you.
00:08:32You don't even know each other.
00:08:34You're facing the same direction.
00:08:35That's all you have in common.
00:08:37" it's like talking to a girl at a bar because you're attracted to her.
00:08:43The first thing you say is just gonna be dog shit coming out of your mouth, because you don't know her.
00:08:49The only honest thing that you could say to her is, "i want to " that's the only thing you could say that you can mean.
00:08:57[cheers and applause] Anything else that you say is you trying really hard not to " that's the only thing-- "i want to put my penis in the " I was never good at that.
00:09:19Like, I was very bad at being single, which is a problem, because I'm divorced.
00:09:23So I'm single again after ten years of marriage.
00:09:26[sympathetic groans] No, here--cut the shit!
00:09:29Don't even start with that noise like a puppy died.
00:09:33Let me tell you something.
00:09:36Let me tell you something.
00:09:38And this is important, because someday one of your friends is gonna get divorced.
00:09:41It's gonna happen.
00:09:42And they're gonna tell you, '" that's a stupid thing to say.
00:09:46It really is.
00:09:47First of all, you're making them feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair.
00:09:53[cheers and applause] And second--let me explain something to you.
00:09:58Divorce is always good news.
00:10:01I know that sounds weird.
00:10:03But it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.
00:10:11It's really that simple.
00:10:13That's never happened.
00:10:14That would be sad, if two people were married and they were really happy, and they just had a great thing.
00:10:20And then they got divorced.
00:10:21That would be really sad.
00:10:24But that has happened zero times.
00:10:29Literally zero.
00:10:32Ray charles has killed more jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce.
00:10:42So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad, and now they're better.
00:10:46" life is shit wall-to-wall, but they're better.
00:10:49So you should be happy.
00:10:51But the part that's difficult is being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids.
00:10:58That's like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore, like I found 500 million prussian francs.
00:11:15I can't really take advantage of being single, because I didn't expect to be single.
00:11:19I'm not prepared.
00:11:20I didn't think I'd ever be single.
00:11:22I didn't keep this shit up.
00:11:23You understand?
00:11:24I didn't maintain any of this at presentation condition.
00:11:32" it was not--i didn't think i would need it that way.
00:11:38I thought I was gonna be shoving it into the same person every three months till one of us died.
00:11:42That's what I thought was the nature of the deployment for this.
00:11:50I didn't think it had to be, like, appealing to someone from scratch.
00:11:57It's like having a '73 dodge dart in your backyard.
00:12:02And it's been sitting back there with grass growing.
00:12:05You don't have any--it's not a old mustang.
00:12:07You have no plans to restore that dart.
00:12:10You don't even see it when you look out the window.
00:12:14And now you find out that's your only way to work.
00:12:18You need that car now.
00:12:21And you're like, "oh, shit.
00:12:25It's got bees in it.
00:12:26I didn't take care of it.
00:12:30It's full of bees.
00:12:33There's a family of mice living in the tailpipe.
00:12:35" >> I have no single instincts.
00:16:57I know too much to be single.
00:16:58I know everything that happens now.
00:17:00That's no good for single.
00:17:01You got to be optimistic to be single, stupid.
00:17:05You have to be stupid.
00:17:07That's what "optimistic" means, you know.
00:17:09" an optimist is someone who goes, "hey, maybe something nice " why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?
00:17:17What are you, stupid?
00:17:20But that's the attitude you have to be to be single.
00:17:22You have to look at somebody and " I don't look at it that way even when I see someone I'm attracted to.
00:17:28I was at a gym the other day.
00:17:29Why? why?
00:17:31I'm at a gym.
00:17:32I'm just wearing shorts.
00:17:35That's all I'm doing there.
00:17:37Just standing there.
00:17:48And I look over, and there's a girl, you know, with a pony tail.
00:17:51She's on this thing.
00:17:56And I'm looking at her, and I'm like, "oh, she's awesome.
00:18:01" but then I start thinking, "wait a minute, I'm single.
00:18:07I'm on the market.
00:18:08I have value.
00:18:10I could say something to her.
00:18:12I could just walk up and say " and I'm trying to think, "what am I gonna say?
00:18:18What do I look like to somebody " and then I realize it's been way too long.
00:18:23I've just been standing there staring at her.
00:18:25[laughter] [grunting] " [laughter] I have no identity in the single world.
00:18:40I can't--i look at them, and i don't know what they're doing.
00:18:42I tried just jerking off to girls gone wildthe other day just to re-enter the community that way, just to feel part of it.
00:18:49And I bought it, not the commercial on comedy central.
00:18:52I paid money like a grown-up.
00:18:54I put my credit card down and waited for it to come to my house.
00:18:58I'm an adult.
00:19:02I can't do it, 'cause I'm a father.
00:19:04I'm too old.
00:19:04I'm just getting mad at everybody in the video.
00:19:08[laughter] I'm like, "you fucking irresponsible bitches.
00:19:13Go back to school.
00:19:13What are you doing down there?
00:19:20There's two wars and a depression.
00:19:21Put the--get the oil off your tits and study, " [laughter] I just don't look at a woman as a pair of tits anymore, and i wish I did, 'cause I could get laid easier, 'cause that's what ..
00:19:39[grunting] But I can't now.
00:19:43Like, I went to a club.
00:19:44I went to a club, you know, a "boom, boom, boom," like a club.
00:19:48And I'm standing there, looking at all the people, and there is the hot chicks.
00:19:52The hot girl at the bar.
00:19:54You know, when you see them, she's a hot girl at the bar.
00:19:57She's got the shirt and the skirt and the boots, those three lines, just like some perfect ratio that they hit with those three lines, and you-- [frustrated grunt] And they're all standing there like that.
00:20:10And I used to look at somebody like that and, "wow, she's an angel.
00:20:13What could I ever say to make " now I look at her, and I'm like, "what is that?
00:20:17Is that even a person?
00:20:19What the fuck kind of person is that?
00:20:20Is that an identity, even?
00:20:22" I have two daughters.
00:20:25I pray they don't grow up to be the, "ehh," the hot girl at the bar.
00:20:29What kind of--"hey, what do " " " "yeah.
00:20:36I go to this club, and they want to fuck me over here.
00:20:39Ha, ha.
00:20:40Not you.
00:20:42" and their male counterparts are even more useless.
00:20:50The guys, the dudes, the going-out-to-get-laid dudes.
00:20:54You know, those guys that walk in packs of nine down the bar street, the going-out-to-get-laid guys.
00:21:00They all got the same button-up stripy going-out-to-get-laid shirt on.
00:21:07They all got the same stride.
00:21:09There's one short guy behind ..
00:21:12[laughter] And they're all out to get-- like, who is gonna fuck all nine of you?
00:21:22What is the fantasy here?
00:21:25Are you gonna see nine women in the same configuration and, "plth," and just all--you're all gonna walk into a giant vagina somewhere?
00:21:33" " [laughter] And then later they're in front of a pizza place just angry at each other.
00:21:45"You said there was pussy there, " " then they beat up a stranger and get the energy out that way.
00:21:54" those are the most dangerous people, are dudes that didn't get laid.
00:22:06And they're just fucking pissed.
00:22:13Just full of come coming out of their eyes.
00:22:17[frustrated grunting] " [frustrated grunting] [laughter] Just standing there.
00:22:24I love dudes that hang out together and do the whole-- I saw this group of guys, and one of them was such a guy--he had it turned up so high that it was crazy.
00:22:33His friends were kind of normal.
00:22:38I'm like, "what--is that--that can't be real.
00:22:41" 00 in the morning when he's peeing and nobody is in his apartment?
00:22:56And he kept doing that gesture ..
00:23:00That's my favorite "dumb guy" gesture.
00:23:02Yeah, pfff.
00:23:04Pfff, yeah, right.
00:23:10I always wonder.
00:23:11What if there was a guy who, whenever he does this, he has to finish?
00:23:17Like, just some guy who works in your office.
00:23:20You ask him a question, " "yeah, like he's ever on time.
00:23:24" [laughter] [continued laughter] [breathing deeply] " [cheers and applause] [breathing deeply] "Oh, shit.
00:24:18Seriously, that dude is always late, man.
00:24:20" >> I went to england.
00:27:31I spent a month there.
00:27:32I liked england.
00:27:33Everything is different.
00:27:34I mean, that's obvious, but some of the differences were cool.
00:27:36I like the money.
00:27:37The money--instead of a dollar bill they have the pound coin.
00:27:40And it's a coin, and you throw it on the counter.
00:27:42It felt kind of cool, like the old west.
00:27:46Like, you know, going--being on the dusty trail.
00:27:49You see a saloon, so you walk over with your horse.
00:27:52You throw the rope vaguely at the pole outside.
00:27:57The thing they do.
00:27:59It's my whole life on that horse.
00:28:01It should be fine.
00:28:02Just"-- walk in the saloon.
00:28:08"Give me a beer and a bottle of whiskey and a room for a week and a steak dinner and a shave and a haircut and a bath and some new clothes and a hat and some boots and some oats for my horse and a woman.
00:28:22" ping!
00:28:24That's all.
00:28:26One heavy coin.
00:28:28You're fine.
00:28:31Nobody adds up all those things you mentioned.
00:28:35They don't check to see what coin it was.
00:28:39The guy just keeps drying the glass.
00:28:46Things were very vague back then.
00:28:47Things just cost money.
00:28:49" " in the old english movies it was different.
00:28:56It was a little sack of coins.
00:28:58Remember that?
00:28:59A little drawstring sack tossed over by some faggy lord with a ruffled shirt.
00:29:03" throw it disdainfully down to some commoner who is gonna do something beneath his station.
00:29:12"Follow the girl and report back to me at midnight.
00:29:16Bring a shovel and a sack and two reliable men such as yourself, hmm.
00:29:23What's that?
00:29:24Oh, yes, of course.
00:29:24Well, this ought to be sufficient.
00:29:26" " " the guy issohappy to get a general amount of some kind of currency or another.
00:29:37He didn't count it.
00:29:38"I think you only gave me enough for the shovel.
00:29:39" that was a good time in our economy, when you needed to have gold to buy shit.
00:29:48We might be going back to that pretty soon, too.
00:29:51Things are pretty fucked up.
00:29:53People are a little bit scared.
00:29:55But you know what?
00:29:55How bad could it really get?
00:29:57I mean, most americans have so much crap.
00:29:59You could lose most of it and still have more shit than the average canadian, even.
00:30:04Like, we're the fattest people in the world.
00:30:07And we just have all this shit, and we hate it.
00:30:09We're just miserable with our phones.
00:30:12" just angry all the time.
00:30:18And it--i worry about the economy failing, because we can't even--we're miserable with a great life.
00:30:23Like, I don't know how the fuck we're gonna deal with like when you got to move your mom into the cellar and shit and have, like serious problems, because we have like up till now--we have white people problems in america.
00:30:37That's what we have, white people problems.
00:30:39You know what that is?
00:30:39That's where your life is amazing, so you just make shit up to be upset about.
00:30:46People in other countries have real problems, like, "oh, shit.
00:30:48They're cutting off all our heads today," things like that.
00:30:54[laughter] Here, we make shit up to be upset about.
00:30:59Like, "how come I have to choose a language on the atm machine?
00:31:02" "i shouldn't have to do that.
00:31:12" god, the shit we bitch about.
00:31:18"I called american airlines, and I got a pakistani lady.
00:31:22And she was in pakistan!
00:31:25Only people near my fat white " I'll tell you what though, when I call american airlines, and i get the pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again.
00:31:40I do.
00:31:41I'm gonna tell you honestly.
00:31:43And it's not because I don't like her, and it's not because she doesn't speak english, because she speaks way better than I do.
00:31:49She's just a better person.
00:31:50It's so clear.
00:31:52And I know.
00:31:52Here's why I don't like talking to her: 'Cause I know she doesn't give a shit about me and my white people problems.
00:31:59I want to talk to the lady from texas who's, "well, how can i " that's the lady I want.
00:32:04I just know-- [foreign accent] "HELLO, American"-- oh, fuck.
00:32:07You don't care.
00:32:07There's no way. why would you?
00:32:09I'm in my underwear.
00:32:10"Hi, I have a layover in dallas that's really long, and I was wondering if"--and she's like, "oh, really?
00:32:15I haven't had a clean glass of water in ten years, okay?
00:32:19Two of my kids died this morning, and I still came to work, you fat shit.
00:32:22I can hear your fat over the phone.
00:32:24Why don't you hang up and kill " why would she care?
00:32:26[cheers and applause] Oh, just, god, standing at the atm.
00:32:35"I can't believe they're making me go like this.
00:32:39" what the fuck are you complaining about?
00:32:44You push a button, and money comes out a fucking slot!
00:32:54It didn't used to be that way.
00:32:56When I was younger, you had to go in the bank.
00:32:59Remember that?
00:33:00You had to go inside the bank.
00:33:01Now you look in the bank.
00:33:02You're like, "what are those people doing in there?
00:33:04Are they cleaning?
00:33:05" it's amazing how different shit is now.
00:33:14And it hasn't been this way for a long time.
00:33:16It's been a very short time.
00:33:17Everybody has a phone in their pocket.
00:33:19It didn't used to be--just a few years ago nobody had theirphone.
00:33:24" it was this thing, the phone, that was in a room in your house.
00:33:31And then you had to dial this fucking thing.
00:33:34There was a rotor, and you had ..
00:33:38" you actually hated people with zeroes in their numbers, 'cause they made you do-- "oh, this guy's got a zero and a nine.
00:33:47How badly do I want to talk to that piece of shit?
00:33:49" now we have this, which is amazing.
00:33:56We have these phones that you can call in an air strike.
00:33:58You can look at the top of your own head.
00:34:01It's amazing, this shit, and it's wasted on the shittiest generation of piece-of-shit assholes that ever fucking lived.
00:34:08I swear to god.
00:34:09We are.
00:34:10We're the worst people so far.
00:34:12>> Yes!
00:34:13>> Because we have this beautiful thing, and wehateit.
00:34:16We're just, "oh, you fucking"-- I don't--never saw a person going, "look at what my " nobody does that.
00:34:23They all go, "this fucking thing sucks.
00:34:27I can't get it to"-- give it a second, would you?
00:34:32Could you give it a second?
00:34:35It's going to space.
00:34:36Can you give it a second to get back from space?
00:34:41Is the speed of light too slow for you, you noncontributing product sponge cunt?
00:34:46Can you just wait?
00:34:48Can you just take a little breath?
00:34:52[cheers and applause] Just wait for that picture of axl rose to get on your phone.
00:34:57Like it even fucking mattered what you were doing.
00:35:00Like it was even important.
00:42:35>> We're all just so mad.
00:42:36" no, it doesn't!
00:42:40It's amazing.
00:42:42The shittiest cell phone in the world is a miracle.
00:42:46Your life sucks around the phone.
00:42:49[laughter] Why are you so mad at it?
00:42:55People say the craziest shit.
00:42:57" what are you talking about?
00:43:04How can that feeling exist?
00:43:06" "why, did they fire you and take " "no, just a couple of times it was weird for a second.
00:43:16[frustrated grunting] I hate them.
00:43:23" well, make your own, then.
00:43:26You go make one.
00:43:29Make your own network.
00:43:30Get some hubcaps and climb some trees.
00:43:33See how close yours is to perfect.
00:43:38Why would it be perfect?
00:43:40Really, it's as good as it is.
00:43:41Why do we expect it to be fucking perfect all the fucking time?
00:43:45We're not contributing.
00:43:46We're not helping it be perfect.
00:43:48We don't even know what is involved.
00:43:51Do you have any idea what is involved in taking your thing that you said that nobody needs to ever hear, ever?
00:43:59When you go, "hey, what's up, dude?
00:44:02[imitates farting]" And a little invisible magic " god damn it.
00:44:15"Oh, when did you send me " if I sent it to you a month ago, it's amazing whenever it gets to you.
00:44:21It's amazing.
00:44:24Whenever it gets to you in your chosen fucking font, it's incredible.
00:44:32I don't know.
00:44:33I'm not that old.
00:44:33I'm 41, but I'm still amazed at the shit in my life.
00:44:35I'm amazed at the shit in the world.
00:44:37I was on a plane once, like about a month ago, and they had high-speed wireless internet on the plane.
00:44:42And they had never done that before.
00:44:44They explained to us that we were, like, one of the first aircraft.
00:44:46And I open up my laptop, and I'm online.
00:44:49I'm looking at youtube and shit while we're flying.
00:44:52And then it broke down.
00:44:53And the woman says, "i'm sorry, but we have to fix the internet, so it's down for the rest of " the guy next to me goes, " I'm like, "dude, how does the world owe you something you didn't even know existed 30 " [laughter] People on planes are the worst.
00:45:11People on planes, they complain.
00:45:13They get off the plane, they come to your house, and they tell you about their whole flight experience.
00:45:18And they make it sound like it was, fucking, a cattle car in POLAND IN THE '40s.
00:45:23They just make it-- "that was the worst day of my life.
00:45:28I had to sit on the runway for " that's a story in this country.
00:45:36That's a fucking hardship, that you had to sit on the runway.
00:45:41People will listen to that story.
00:45:43They'll stop doing the dishes and turn around and go, "oh, my god, really?
00:45:46For 40 minutes?
00:45:47That's awful.
00:45:49" [laughter] "I had to sit on the runway for " oh, my god, really?
00:45:59What happened then?
00:46:00Did you fly through the air like a bird, incredibly?
00:46:06Did you soar into the clouds, impossibly?
00:46:11Did you partake in the miracle of human flight and then land softly on giant tires that you couldn't even conceive how they fucking put air in them?
00:46:20[laughter] How dare you?
00:46:28Bitching about flying!
00:46:30" you're flying!
00:46:37You're sitting in a chair in the sky.
00:46:44You're like a greek myth right now.
00:46:49"But it doesn't go back very far, and I was sort of " the wright brothers would kick us all right in the cunt if they knew.
00:47:04If you could go back in time to orville wright and go, "hey, dude, I had to sit on the " and he'd be like, "oh, shit.
00:47:15Well, let's not even " [laughter] "Hey, wendell, shut it down.
00:47:21They make you wait for a bit.
00:47:23" " that's what everybody complains about.
00:47:30"There's always delays " really? delays?
00:47:33It's too slow.
00:47:34Air travel is too slow.
00:47:36New york to california in six hours.
00:47:38That used to take 30 years to do that, and a bunch of you would die on the way there.
00:47:45You get shot in the neck with " and fall down.
00:47:50And the other passengers would just bury you and put a stick there with your hat on it and keep walking.
00:47:56And one of them would fuck your wife and have three babies.
00:48:01And all the old people would die.
00:48:03You'd be a whole different group of people by the time you got to california.
00:48:09Now you watch an adam sandler movie and you take a big runny dump, and you're there.
00:52:16>> You ever listen to what people really sound like?
00:52:17The other day I was in some whatever coffee place.
00:52:19I don't know.
00:52:19You can only be in six places.
00:52:20Whichever one I was in.
00:52:22And I'm listening to just fat white people talk to each other, these two fat white guys behind me.
00:52:27One of them is like, [mumbling and groaning] And his friend is like, "i know!
00:52:45It's totally lame.
00:52:46[mumbling and groaning] " these two women were talking.
00:52:56[screeching and groaning] "I know!
00:53:06It's totally lame.
00:53:07[screeching and groaning] " [laughter] Anyway, I was listening to the two guys.
00:53:23And one of them used a word that really pissed me off, because it was how he used it.
00:53:28" that's one of those words that we use that we don't care what it means.
00:53:33We go right for the top shelf with our words now.
00:53:35We don't think about how we talk.
00:53:37We just say the right to the fucking, just--"dude, it was amazing.
00:53:42" really? you were amazed?
00:53:46You were amazed by a basket of chicken wings?
00:53:56What are you gonna do with the rest of your life now?
00:53:59What if something really happens to you?
00:54:02What if jesus comes down from the sky and makes love to you all night long, leaves the new living lord in your belly?
00:54:13What are you gonna call that?
00:54:15You used "amazing" on a basket of chicken wings.
00:54:19You've limited yourself verbally to a shit life.
00:54:25All these words we use, " that's--anybody can be a genius now.
00:54:29It used to be, you had to have a thought.
00:54:31No one had ever had it before, or you had to invent a number.
00:54:35Now it's like, "hey, I got a cup " " so these guys, they used " and I remember the context exactly, because I had the hate recorder running in the back of my head.
00:54:56I was just standing there, fucking angry.
00:54:58I'm listening to them.
00:54:59The one guy says to the other ..
00:55:00[mumbling slowly] "Hey, dude, so guess " and his friend goes, [mumbling slowly] " I swear to god, that's how he said it.
00:55:12It just slid out.
00:55:13" I'm like, tighten your lips up, man.
00:55:17Make an effort.
00:55:18" that's how a person talks.
00:55:21This guy, he's just secreting words out of the front of his head.
00:55:24[groaning] "WHO?" [mumbling and spitting] So his friend goes, " " [laughter] How the fuck is that hilarious that you saw lisa?
00:55:52Is lisa a poodle on her hind legs?
00:55:54How is that hilarious?
00:55:56Was she standing next to jerry lewis when he was younger?
00:55:58How the fuck is that hilarious?
00:56:02You know what "hilarious" means?
00:56:04"Hilarious" means, "so funny that you almost went insane " it's just so funny that it almost ruined your life.
00:56:15You're homeless now, because you can't cope or reason anymore because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind and three months later you've got shit and leaves in your hair, and you're drenched in pee in the gutter.
00:56:27That's how funny "hilarious" is.
00:56:29I don't know this lisa cunt, but she ain't that funny.
00:56:31There's just no way she's that funny on sight.
00:56:39Fuck her.
00:56:39Seriously, I hope she's dead.
00:56:41I really do.
00:56:41I hate her.
00:56:43I hope she died today, weirdly and horribly.
00:56:48I hope the person she loved most pushed her off a cliff, and she was just falling and screaming the whole way down, never accepting it.
00:56:56And then superman swooped her up and then dropped her from higher.
00:57:00[laughter] I seriously hope that happened to stupid lisa.
00:59:27>> Anyway, I don't know why I'm such an asshole.
00:59:29I really am.
00:59:29I'm grumpy.
00:59:31I don't--i get impatient with people quickly, you know?
00:59:33I just tired of--when people are boring, I want to kill them.
00:59:36You know?
00:59:37And that's not fair.
00:59:39I used to like people more.
00:59:40But now I have children, and that changes your life.
00:59:43It changes your life in a lot of ways.
00:59:45Like, you spend a lot of time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years.
00:59:50I spend whole days with people.
00:59:52I'm like, "i never would have hung out with you.
00:59:54I didn't choose you.
00:59:55Our children chose each other," based on no criteria, by the way.
00:59:58They're the same size.
01:00:00They don't give a shit who they make me hang out with.
01:00:04My daughter had a play date the other day, and this kid comes over.
01:00:07And his father brings him, and his father brings his fucking face into my house.
01:00:12And I have to ask it questions for an hour and a half.
01:00:15"Ugh, what do you do?
01:00:16I don't care.
01:00:17God damn it.
01:00:20What other shit are you passing on to that little faggot you brought over here to play with my kid?
01:00:24I don't--i hate your son.
01:00:25I hate him.
01:00:27He smells.
01:00:29He gets close too close " " "yes, you can have--just stand-- dude, I'm not--you're not mine.
01:00:38I don't love you.
01:00:39Do you understand?
01:00:39I don't have any--no love.
01:00:44I don't even have an instinct to protect you.
01:00:46I don't care if you die.
01:00:46I seriously--i won't feel anything if you die.
01:00:50I'll have to pretend " I like kids.
01:00:58Parents I'm not crazy about.
01:01:00Most parents--like this whole country, our thing is the children.
01:01:04We have to do it all for the children, and meanwhile, nobody gives a shit about how they raise their kids.
01:01:08People put minimal effort into it.
01:01:11They have their kids--they're like consumers of their kids.
01:01:13Like, they want to call customer service.
01:01:15"Why does he play video games all day?
01:01:18I don't understand why he plays"-- maybe 'cause you bought him a fucking video game, you idiot.
01:01:24Throw it away.
01:01:27Who told you that was a good idea?
01:01:29A developing mind-- [loud grunting] Fucking idiots.
01:01:37My kids don't even watch television.
01:01:38And when I tell most other parents that, you know what they say?
01:01:40They say, they go, " why?
01:01:45"Just 'cause, fuck you.
01:01:47Fucking hippie.
01:01:50They're gonna grow up weirdoes, 'cause they don't watch just fucking anger and colors " [screaming] If your kids watch tv, here's what you should do.
01:02:03Just, if you think that's a really good idea to have them watch tv, the next time your kid is watching television, just come up behind them when they don't know you're there and just turn it off without any warning.
01:02:10" watch what happens.
01:02:13[screaming] Do you think that's a good sign?
01:02:17Do you think that's a sign that it's healthy for them, that when it's ..
01:02:20[screaming] Because you've created such a high bar of stimulus that nothing competes.
01:02:29A beautiful day is shit to a child now.
01:02:32A gorgeous panoramic day with hawks catching fucking mice and flying away and bears with fucking fish in their teeth, and the kid's like, "i wanna watch the television!
01:02:47" that's what's wrong with our kids.
01:02:52They can't just stand and be a " and then the food--we feed them food that tastes like insanity.
01:03:03It's insanity, our food.
01:03:05Do you--you should be able to give a kid an apple and they go, "oh, thank you.
01:03:10" kids can't even taste--apples are like paper to them, because we fill them--we force them to eat--people force their kids to eat fast food.
01:03:20I was in this hamburger--this woman is just shoving french " the kid's like, "mom, it's salty.
01:03:26It hurts.
01:03:27" "shut up.
01:03:29" we give them msg, sugar, and caffeine.
01:03:38And weirdly, they react to those chemicals.
01:03:42" and then we hit them.
01:03:44What fucking chance does a kid have?
01:03:47[cheers and applause] We pump this stuff in there.
01:03:51" " "shut up!
01:03:54Stop it!
01:03:57" "'cause I haven't had actual nutrition in eight years, mom.
01:04:05I'm dehydrated.
01:04:08Give me water.
01:04:09Pepsi is not water, you cunt.
01:04:11Give me a glass of water.
01:04:14I'm dying.
01:04:16I have sores on my tongue all the time.
01:04:22And stop hitting me.
01:04:23You're huge.
01:04:26How could you hit me?
01:04:28That's crazy.
01:04:31You're a giant, and I can't " I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids.
01:04:39It really is--here's the crazy part about it.
01:04:42Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit.
01:04:47Do you realize that?
01:04:48They're the most vulnerable, and they're the most destroyed by being hit.
01:04:53But it's totally okay to hit them.
01:04:56And they're the only ones.
01:04:57If you hit a dog they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
01:05:03You can't hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you.
01:05:08But a little tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly, fuck 'em.
01:05:12Who gives a shit?
01:05:14Just fucking hit--let's all hit them.
01:05:17Hey, people want you to hit your kid.
01:05:20If your kid's making noise in public, "hit him, hit him!
01:05:23Hit him!
01:05:25" >> anyway, I got two.
01:08:01And the seven-year-old, she is no trouble now.
01:08:03That kid is amazing.
01:08:04She's better than me.
01:08:06She's smarter than me.
01:08:07She's more decent.
01:08:09She's cleaner.
01:08:11Like, she comes out of her room all dressed with a little bow.
01:08:13She's like, "hi, " and I'm in my underwear, like, " [laughter] I keep trying not to screw her up, because she's headed for a great life unless I fuck it up.
01:08:28That's basically what's going on.
01:08:29I'm not a father anymore.
01:08:30I'm just a fat landlord.
01:08:32I don't really matter.
01:08:36And like, the other day she was asking me all these questions, and I totally--she was asking me stuff, and I'm just trying to tell her what I know to be the truth.
01:08:42But you can't just do that.
01:08:43There's some shit that's true that you can't tell your kids when they're certain ages.
01:08:46I know that sounds simple, but you don't know all the time until you fuck up.
01:08:50I'm talking to her, and she goes, "daddy, does the earth go " " she goes, "does it do it " " she says, "will the earth always " and I was like, "well, no.
01:09:01At some point the sun is " [laughter] She's seven years old.
01:09:13Do you understand how horrible that is?
01:09:14She started crying immediately, crying bitter tears for the death of all humanity.
01:09:20And here's how I try to save it.
01:09:22I go, "oh, honey, this isn't gonna happen until you and everybody you know has been dead " she didn't know any of those things.
01:09:34And now she knows all of those things: She's gonna die, everybody she knows is gonna die, they're gonna be dead for a very long time, and then the sun's gonna explode.
01:09:50She learned all that in 12 seconds at the age of seven.
01:09:57She took it pretty well.
01:09:58I was proud of her.
01:09:59She was like, "aw.
01:10:05[sighs] Okay, well, I guess I'll go play.
01:10:11" she's had a tough year, that kid.
01:10:16I feel really bad.
01:10:17A lot of bad things happened to her this year.
01:10:19This summer she got bit by a pony.
01:10:22I'm not kidding.
01:10:23A pony bit her.
01:10:25How do you more break a little girl's heart than a pony bite?
01:10:30That's like being raped by santa claus.
01:10:33[laughter] It was the worst thing that ever happened.
01:10:41And it was made worse by the fact that it followed the greatest moment of her life, because she had never seen a pony up close.
01:10:46We just never--we're fucking shitty parents.
01:10:48We never gave her a pony ride.
01:10:50And last summer I took the kids to italy.
01:10:52I took my girls to italy for whatever reason.
01:10:54I don't know why.
01:10:55And we're in this farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.
01:10:58And I put them to bed, and i come outside, and there's ponies.
01:11:02They just showed up out of nowhere, just wild ponies, like 50 ponies.
01:11:07I'm not fucking with you.
01:11:09A huge amount of ponies, and one donkey.
01:11:12I don't know why there was one donkey hanging out with the ponies.
01:11:17And they're just--and I'm like-- [gasps] AND I RUN DOWNSTAIRS, And I wake her up.
01:11:21The little one, fuck her.
01:11:22She's not making memories.
01:11:22Who cares?
01:11:23It's not worth it.
01:11:24I take the seven-year-old, and I bring her outside.
01:11:28And she's standing barefoot in her pajamas, and it's dusk, and it's ponies.
01:11:34" and I'm like, "i'm the best fucking father.
01:11:37I'm the best father.
01:11:42Look at that shit!
01:11:44That's right!
01:11:45" and she starts walking out towards the ponies.
01:11:52She's like, "can I go " I'm like, "yeah." I'm an idiot.
01:11:55I'm like, "yeah, totally.
01:11:57Go on out there, honey.
01:11:59You're only outnumbered 50 to 1.
01:12:02What could possibly happen in " as she walks out.
01:12:10And there's this one beautiful speckled pony.
01:12:13And as she's walking towards it, I'm an asshole, 'cause I don't ..
01:12:16[imitates chuffing and grunting] It's totally going, "dude, no.
01:12:21Not--i'm not one--fuck it.
01:12:23Get her out.
01:12:24Get her out.
01:12:25I'm--dude, I'm a fucking italian wild pony.
01:12:27" " I'm like, "yes, totally.
01:12:32" she walks up to the pony, and she turns to me and says, " and as she's saying that, the pony bites her on the fucking leg.
01:12:43And she screams.
01:12:44It didn't break the skin, but it was an awful bruise.
01:12:46And I grab her, and I run inside, and she says, "why, daddy?
01:12:49" " and she said, " and I'm like, "well, yeah," 'cause I don't want her to think that she's so horrible that the first pony ever bit her.
01:13:02I go, "yeah, honey, " she goes, "well, why did you " she's like, "dude, make " and then we're in the house, and she says--this is how great this kid is.
01:13:22She calms down, and she goes, "i want to look up about " like, that's how she thinks.
01:13:27Something upsets her.
01:13:28She wants to look it up and learn about it.
01:13:31She says, "i want to find out why they bite and what people " so we go, and we look up about ponies.
01:13:37And it turns out they're assholes.
01:13:38They bite all the time.
01:13:43And there's all these websites that talk about what to do when your pony bites, and it's like everything else on the internet.
01:13:48It's just fighting, just people angry at each other.
01:13:51The first guy says, "you got to punch the pony right in the face.
01:13:56Just punch it right " and the next person says, "you're a terrible person.
01:14:04You should have your ponies " the next person was my favorite.
01:14:09They go, "people who don't punch " so we really are a divided nation.
01:18:15>> The three-year-old is a different story.
01:18:17The three-year-old, here's her deal.
01:18:19She's a three-year-old.
01:18:20That's really it.
01:18:21She's three years old.
01:18:22The other day I got in a fight with her.
01:18:23Whose fault is that?
01:18:25I'm 41, and she's three.
01:18:28It's always your fault with a three-year-old, always, because they are just what they are.
01:18:32They can't help it.
01:18:33Just tape the windows.
01:18:34It's a fucking hurricane.
01:18:35Just wait.
01:18:38Anytime you're like this with a three-year-old, "don't you under"-- you're an idiot.
01:18:42That's you being an idiot.
01:18:43" "no, I don't, dad.
01:18:45I haven't developed enough.
01:18:45" but it was partly her fault, 'cause she wore me down.
01:18:52Let me tell you what happened.
01:18:53It was this horrible, horrible day.
01:18:55It started the night before, 'cause she woke me up all night.
01:18:56She just woke me up every fucking just ten minutes.
01:18:59She just woke me up-- just "dad"--with nothing.
01:19:01That's the worst part.
01:19:02" " .." "oh, fuck you!
01:19:05You got nothing!
01:19:07" so now it's the next morning.
01:19:14I'm making breakfast, and I'm gone.
01:19:16I'm insane.
01:19:17I drank too much coffee to overcompensate.
01:19:20" I keep having these moments " and there's nothing there.
01:19:23Just nothing.
01:19:24Just, "huh? ah.
01:19:26" I'm making french toast.
01:19:29She's over there sitting in her little chair, just fucking anger.
01:19:32Just pure--she's a little ball of anger.
01:19:34And she's like, " I'm like, "yeah, that's what I'm making, honey.
01:19:40I'm making french toast.
01:19:42I'll bring it over.
01:19:43" " "yes, of course I'll give you syrup.
01:19:48I always do.
01:19:48" " "i'm happy to cut it for you.
01:19:54You're not asking nicely, but it's okay.
01:19:58I'll cut it for you, baby.
01:19:58" then she's looking at her plate, ..
01:20:03[breathing deeply] 'Cause she needs to be--want something.
01:20:06You know, there's nothing logical for her to want, so her brain has to go somewhere crazy.
01:20:11So she's looking at her plate.
01:20:12She goes, "i don't know " [laughter] And I'm still not engaging.
01:20:22I'm like, "oh, I know, honey, that's hard.
01:20:24That's really hard.
01:20:26I'll just make a list of pros and cons for every piece, and " and I look at her, and she's walking towards me now with the plate just vertical with syrup fucking going on the floor.
01:20:35And she's like, "help me!
01:20:38" and I'm standing there, looking at her, and I love her, and I'm proud of her in a way, 'cause I know she'll never want for anything.
01:20:53She'll beat the shit out of people.
01:20:57She'll kill people for meat after the apocalypse.
01:20:59She'll be one of those.
01:21:04And then later I'm trying to get them dressed for school.
01:21:06And now the clock's ticking, and I'm like, "ugh!
01:21:08And I'm trying to put a sweater on her, and it's impossible.
01:21:10The sweater has buttons that just don't exist.
01:21:13And I'm fucking with my fat fingers, and they're full of sweat.
01:21:16And I have just tears going down my cheeks, crazy tears.
01:21:20I'm not crying.
01:21:21I'm like smiling with tears, copious--"i can't button the sweater.
01:21:26I can't button the sweater.
01:21:30" and she's going like this.
01:21:36So I give her a fig newton just to immobilize her, just to stop it, 'cause she loves fig newtons.
01:21:42I go, "here, honey, have " she goes, "they're not called fig newtons.
01:21:47" and I go, "no, they're not.
01:21:57" and right away in my head, I'm like, "what are you doing?
01:22:04What is to be gained?
01:22:07What do you care?
01:22:08Just, 'yeah, pig newtons.
01:22:09Fine, go ahead.
01:22:10Good luck to you.
01:22:11Go through life.
01:22:12See what kind of job you can hold down with shit like that clanging around in your head.
01:22:15I don't care.
01:22:16'" but for some reason, I engaged.
01:22:21"No, honey, they're called " she goes, "no, you don't know.
01:22:27You don't know.
01:22:28" and I just--i feel this rage building inside.
01:22:34Just--because it's not that she's wrong.
01:22:39She's three.
01:22:40She's entitled to be wrong.
01:22:41But it's the fucking arrogance of this kid.
01:22:47No humility.
01:22:49No decent sense of self-doubt.
01:22:52She's not going like, "dad, I think those are pig newtons.
01:22:54Are you sure that you have " she's not saying that.
01:22:58She's not going like, "dad, I'm pretty sure those are pig newtons," which would be a little cunty, but acceptable.
01:23:01I could deal with that.
01:23:03She's giving me nothing.
01:23:06"No, you don't know.
01:23:08Those are pig--" I'm like, "really? I don't know?
01:23:11I don't know?
01:23:13Dude, I'm not even using my memory right now.
01:23:15Okay, I'm reading the fucking box that the shit came out of.
01:23:22It says it!
01:23:25Where are you getting your information?
01:23:29How do you fuck with me on this?
01:23:33You're three, and I'm 41.
01:23:37What are the odds that you're right and I'm wrong?
01:23:41What are the sheer odds of that?
01:23:44And take a bite of the cookie.
01:23:46Does it taste like a pork cookie, motherfucker?
01:23:48I don't think so.
01:23:52Why would they call it a pig newton?
01:23:58What's--oh, it tastes like figs.
01:23:59Fucking interesting, that, " >> I didn't say a word of that, obviously.
01:26:25But anyway, later I've got the kids dressed.
01:26:29It's winter.
01:26:30We all have the layers on, and it's time to go to school.
01:26:32And I've got ten minutes to get to a school that's ten minutes away, which is a horrible feeling.
01:26:37I put my hand on the door to leave, and all of a sudden I go, "i got to take a shit.
01:26:43Take the coats off, kids.
01:26:44We're gonna be late.
01:26:46You're gonna be 40 minutes late.
01:26:47" I am not walking to school like this.
01:26:52I can't use the bathroom at the school, 'cause child molesters ruin that for everybody.
01:26:57Just--i'm shitting here.
01:27:00So I'm sitting on the toilet, with the door open, by the way.
01:27:03That's my life.
01:27:04Two kids by myself.
01:27:05I can't shit with the door closed unless I gather them into the bathroom to watch daddy take a dump.
01:27:11Which I've done with the little one.
01:27:13"Honey, we got to poop, and you're too crazy.
01:27:14Just come with me.
01:27:15" so I'm sitting there, and I'm shitting.
01:27:21And I'm trying to see them in the other room.
01:27:25"Honey, stay between the tables.
01:27:26I can't see you.
01:27:27I said"-- the little one walks into view naked.
01:27:32It's all gone.
01:27:33All gone.
01:27:36Walks up, looks at me.
01:27:48And then, I don't know why, but she shows me her ass.
01:27:50It's something she always does when she-- "look at it!
01:28:00" so I'm there, shitting, looking at her ass.
01:28:10[clears throat] And I saw something that I had never seen before.
01:28:17And I'm gonna describe it to you the way that I saw it, because I didn't know what i was looking at.
01:28:21I'm looking at her little white ass--she's white.
01:28:23Little perfect little white ass.
01:28:25And right in the center of it, this little black dot just, "boop," appeared like magic.
01:28:31That's what it looked like to me, because I've never seen shit actually coming out of an ass before.
01:28:36I never saw that.
01:28:39I never saw the shit--like, the crowning, the shit coming out.
01:28:44And if you ever do see that, it's fucking bananas, man.
01:28:47It's weird and upsetting.
01:28:52I yelled.
01:28:53" and then second later, just, " she just drops, "boom," this massive--i felt the impact tremor under my feet.
01:29:06This huge pile of shit, just a pile--like, several people's pile of shit, like a porta-potty on the last day of the festival, just a huge, huge pile of shit.
01:29:23She's three.
01:29:24This kid shits like a bear.
01:29:26I don't understand it.
01:29:29Seriously, if you were in the woods, and you saw a shit like that, you'd be like, "let's get the fuck out of here!
01:29:34" huge pile of shit, as big as her whole body, easily.
01:29:42[splutters] Crumple like a balloon on top of it.