Malcolm in the Middle - Red Dress   View more episodes

Aired at 02:30 PM on Thursday, Dec 10, 2009 (12/10/2009)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00'S going to be great.
00:00:01I have the most perfect red dress.
00:00:02Took me two months to save up for it but it was worth it.
00:00:05Oh, I've been fantasizing about this night forever.
00:00:23(sighing) Craig?
00:00:47 yeah, uh, say, lois ..
00:00:51You want to catch a movie or something over lunch?
00:00:53They're playing my best friend's wedding over in electronics.
00:00:56.. fine.
00:00:57Forget it.
00:01:01(groaning) I'm okay.
00:01:04Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present?
00:01:07I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes.
00:01:11More paper.
00:01:13I get to do the bow.
00:01:14Why'd she give you the money to buy the gift?
00:01:16Because she didn't want another karate video.
00:01:19It's ka-ra-te.
00:01:20I get to do the bow.
00:01:21What did we get them anyway?
00:01:23Picture frame.
00:01:25I get to do the bow.
00:01:26We're not finished yet.
00:01:28Yeah, but I get to do the bow.
00:01:56No! I was supposed to do the bow.
00:01:59You should have said something.
00:02:01I'm telling.
00:02:14This is the most stupid irresponsible, dangerous thing you have everdone.
00:02:18Is this what you want?
00:02:20Where we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records?
00:02:25I want a straight answer.
00:02:27Who did this?
00:02:28Malcolm did it.
00:02:29Reese did it.
00:02:30I didn't do it.
00:02:31I didn't do it.
00:02:32We're going to the dentist?
00:02:41I don't like that one anyway.
00:02:45No. no. not that one.
00:02:48♪♪ They turn me down, they turn me down ♪♪
00:02:50♪♪ they turn, they turn, they turn, they turn ♪♪
00:02:53.. ♪♪
00:02:56It wasn't me. it was him.
00:02:59Okay. into the hallway.
00:03:00Think I'm going to puke.
00:03:01 well, it's going to be the highlight of your evening because nobody is going anywhere until one of you tells me who.
00:03:08Everything's all set?
00:03:09I believe so, sir.
00:03:12Table seven? chateau brut '87?
00:03:14Hors d'oeuvres medley?
00:03:15Yes, sir.
00:03:18Oh, gee, one more thing.
00:03:21I almost forgot.
00:03:22Uh, my wife always orders lobster so could you have the chef slip this on the lobster's claw just before you serve it?
00:03:27She gets such a kick out of stuff like that.
00:03:31And so do i, for that matter.
00:03:33Not a problem, sir.
00:03:36The violinist has our song?
00:03:38He received the sheet music this morning.
00:03:40Good. good, good, good, good.
00:03:42You would be surprised how many times I've heard "tears of a clown" just butchered.
00:03:48Tell her.
00:03:49You tell her.
00:03:52Malcolm! reese!
00:03:53Closer to the wall.
00:03:55Wait, mom. seriously.
00:03:57It reeks over here.
00:03:59I can't help it.
00:04:00Into the tv room. let's go.
00:04:03♪♪ Come on, come on ♪♪
00:04:08♪♪ come on, come on ♪♪
00:04:12♪♪ come on, come on ♪♪
00:04:15.. ♪♪
00:04:16I'll give you five dollars if you tell mom you did it.
00:04:19You tell her.
00:04:20You did it, 'cause I didn't do it.
00:04:22I really didn't.
00:04:23What are you eating?
00:04:24 why don't you guys shut up so I can think of something?
00:04:27What's there to think of?
00:04:29There's nothing we can do.
00:04:30I've never seen mom so mad.
00:04:32Me either.
00:04:33Reese is right.
00:04:34We're out of our league.
00:04:36There's only one person who ever had mom this mad at him and survived.
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00:06:42Dell. yoursis here.
00:08:11♪♪ ♪♪
00:08:24ppúúúúú@@@@ She has your heads where? under the couch.
00:08:25All because reese won't admit he did it.
00:08:28You admit it.
00:08:29I didn't do it.
00:08:30Neither did i. liar.
00:08:31 you are not going to get anywhere fighting with each other.
00:08:34First of all, you all burned the dress.
00:08:36I didn't.
00:08:37Hey, you all did it.
00:08:38You have to stay together.
00:08:39You have to stay united.
00:08:41United against who?
00:08:42My mom.
00:08:45No one broke so far so you should be proud of yourselves.
00:08:47Did she do the toy thing yet? YEP.
00:08:49SPINNING? Uh-huh.
00:08:50Okay. good. I think I know where she's going.
00:08:54Separate interviews.
00:08:55Listen, when she gets you alone she's going to pretend she's on your side.
00:09:00She's not.
00:09:02Go ahead.
00:09:04It's a name brand.
00:09:14I'm not mad at you.
00:09:15I know you didn't do this.
00:09:17You're a good boy.
00:09:18But I want you to help me find out who did.
00:09:21This is serious.
00:09:22One of your brothers could have burned the house down.
00:09:25And for that, he will be severely punished.
00:09:27But the one who helps me will be a very happy boy.
00:09:31And I want that to be you.
00:09:34'Cause you've always been the best one.
00:09:37You've always been the best one.
00:09:39You have always been the best one.
00:09:42Mom, honestly, I don't know who did it.
00:09:45I don't know.
00:09:46Don't know.
00:09:49Well, I guess you boys think you've got your old mom over a barrel, huh?
00:09:54Well, we'll just see about that.
00:09:56If you boys want to play we can play all night long.
00:10:33Hmm? oh.
00:10:34Thank you. thank you.
00:10:35Oh, can I have another vodka martini, please?
00:10:38Very good.
00:10:39This time, let's go olive, onion, olive.
00:10:46(busy signal) .. I can't hear you.
00:10:54She's killing us.
00:10:56(creature laughing) ♪♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪♪
00:11:01♪♪ Don't be mean, 'cause mean is bad ♪♪
00:11:04♪♪ Nice is better than mean ♪♪
00:11:06(groaning) ♪♪ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♪♪
00:11:08♪♪ Don't be a thug, 'cause... ♪♪ WHY DOES She have to ruin everything I love?
00:11:12Francis, I'm just going to tell her I did it.
00:11:15I know it wasn't me, but anything is better than this.
00:11:19Oh, no.
00:11:21Oh, man.
00:11:21They tried that psych-ops stuff on noriega.
00:11:24They said that by the end he wanted to cut his own ears off.
00:11:27Malcolm, you cannot crack now.
00:11:29She will own you for the rest of your life.
00:11:32Now, listen to me, malcolm.
00:11:33You have to do exactly what I say.
00:11:35♪♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪♪
00:11:37♪♪ Don't be mean, 'cause mean is bad ♪♪
00:11:40♪♪ Nice is better than mean ♪♪
00:11:43♪♪ Hugs are good ♪♪
00:11:44♪♪ Thugs are bad ♪♪
00:11:45♪♪ Don't be a thug, 'cause thugs are bad ♪♪
00:11:48♪♪ HUGS ARE BETTER THAN THUGS ♪♪ ♪♪ Hugs are better than thugs ♪♪
00:11:51♪♪ Smart is good... ♪♪ DID YOU SEE THAT?
00:11:53Hey, francis is a genius!
00:11:55Come on! big laughter!
00:11:57♪♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪♪
00:11:59♪♪ don't be mean, 'cause mean is bad ♪♪
00:12:02.. ♪♪
00:12:03oh, your grandmother and all your friends are just going to love this at your next birthday party.
00:12:10You're kidding me.
00:12:11Okay, just hang in there.
00:12:12Give me a minute to think.
00:12:14Damn, she's good.
00:12:15Did they crack?
00:12:16Nah, dewey faked a stomach cramp.
00:12:18Bought them some time.
00:12:19Good man.
00:12:20Man, if we would have had your mom in 'nam THERE'D BE a McDonald's in hanoi square right now.
00:12:25DUDE, thereisa McDonald's in hanoi square.
00:12:31(busy signal) Franklin, I'm ready to order.
00:12:38Are you sure, sir?
00:12:39 you see, in our family we have a saying.
00:12:42"After an hour, eat without her.
00:12:44" what's she doing?
00:12:52Can't tell.
00:12:53Maybe she left.
00:12:54Yeah, I'm sure she's gone out to buy us all presents.
00:12:58It's just too quiet out there.
00:13:00It's driving me crazy.
00:13:02Maybe we should sing some more.
00:13:04Shut up, dewey.
00:13:15I wonder how many holes are up in those tiles.
00:13:20You countedallthose?
00:13:22No, you just count one tile's holes across and down.
00:13:25Multiply it, then multiply it again by the number of tiles.
00:13:31You're doing that more and more.
00:13:34Doing what?
00:13:35That brain thing.
00:13:36Are you just going to keep getting smarter and weirder?
00:13:41I don't know.
00:13:42Well, can you tone it down a little bit?
00:13:44'Cause I can't keep up with all these butt-kickings.
00:13:46What are you talking about?
00:13:48Well, at least twice a day I have to whoop-ass on some kid calling you a weirdo.
00:13:53Honestly, it's exhausting.
00:13:54You beat up people 'cause they call me a weirdo?
00:13:58The last kid, he was a freak anyway.
00:14:00He was in no position to throw out names.
00:14:05For what?
00:14:13What am I thinking right now?
00:14:15I'm smart. I'm not psychic.
00:14:16Can you understand what dogs are saying?
00:14:21I can.
00:14:22Mom: ♪♪
00:14:30I don't know who put you up to this sticking-together garbage but I don't like it.
00:14:35Therefore, you have forced me to do something terrible.
00:14:40Say good-bye to a cherished family member.
00:14:46All: No!
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00:17:34pppúúúú@@@@ Uh-uh-uh.
00:17:35Don't you dare.
00:17:37(knocking) And don't move a muscle.
00:17:46Hi, lois.
00:17:47Look, ed, uh, it's 9:00.
00:17:49I'm a little busy right now.
00:17:50You see, there is the problem.
00:17:51It's 9:00 at night and I keep hearing screaming.
00:17:54Now this didn't sound like your normal screaming.
00:17:56It was more like killing screaming.
00:18:00That's why we like you.
00:18:06(panting) ..
00:18:11(demonically): NOW.
00:18:16(admiring whistle) Nice place you got here.
00:18:20Thank you, sir.
00:18:20I like to, uh, create an atmosphere.
00:18:23Did you enjoy your meal, sir?
00:18:25.. if you can call four olives, two onions and a whole lot of alcohol a meal then, yes.
00:18:32Very good, sir.
00:18:35What have you got in the cologne department?
00:18:37Um, were you looking for anything in particular?
00:18:40Well, I've been thinking about a signature scent.
00:18:43You see, I'd like to leave a room and have people say "boy, it smells like hal in here" ..
00:18:50In a nice way.
00:18:50Right. yeah.
00:18:51.. you...
00:18:58Sandalwood, huh?
00:19:00Let's give it a smell-see, shall we?
00:19:06That's quite nice.
00:19:08Hit me.
00:19:09Here we go.
00:19:10.. that is quite nice.
00:19:15You do a service to your craft, sir.
00:19:17This man is a genius.
00:19:22Snooty bastard.
00:19:23You'd think this place would be the great equalizer, huh?
00:19:27You know, even a king looks like a fool when he's answering nature's call.
00:19:31Am I right? of course I'm right.
00:19:34It's been a pleasure.
00:19:40Have a good evening.
00:19:43Uh, sir.
00:19:48Thank you for making eye contact with me.
00:19:53Boys, I just, I don't know what to do anymore.
00:19:57I don't want to punish anyone.
00:19:59All I want is the truth.
00:20:00I don't know how things got this far but I just want it to stop.
00:20:07Naw, they'll never buy it.
00:20:24Oh, my god. hal.
00:20:28They saved the tv.
00:20:29All right! yeah! yeah!
00:20:31Beautiful work, boys. beautiful.
00:20:33You have her exactly where you want her-- totally crazy.
00:20:36Now it's time to take the offensive.
00:20:38The offensive?
00:20:40Wait a minute.
00:20:41Did you hear breathing?
00:20:56Would you hang up the phone, please?
00:20:59Hi, mom.
00:21:00Happy anniversary.
00:21:01Not good! not good!
00:21:03What is it? what?
00:21:04Mom! phone!
00:21:05Oh! oh, man. oh, man.
00:21:07We're gonna die!
00:21:08That's it.
00:21:09I got to run away.
00:21:11We can get out of this.
00:21:12You have to use that brain of yours.
00:21:16All I can think about is how hard he's twisting my nipple.
00:21:22Think. think.
00:21:25I got it.
00:21:36Oh. mmm. here it is.
00:21:38That's our song.
00:21:39Not our song.
00:21:46I cannot believe you, Francis.
00:21:48You think you are so clever turning them against me, don't you?
00:21:52No, mom.
00:21:53We did not send you to marlin academy so you could undermine my authority long-distance.
00:21:57Whydidyou send me?
00:21:58Well, it was not so that you could undermine my authority and if I am not mistaken you are undermining my authority.
00:22:05What are you doing?
00:22:06You're spending your anniversary at home fixating on a stupid dress.
00:22:09Is that what you wanted to do tonight?
00:22:10 let it go?
00:22:12 that is exactly what you should do-- let it go but you can't, because you can never let anything go.
00:22:18I can, too, let things go.
00:22:24I can!
00:22:24Okay. forget I said anything.
00:22:29I cannot talk to you anymore.
00:22:31Ooh, you make me so mad sometimes I just want to break your neck.
00:22:34Did you get the cookies I sent you?
00:22:36Yeah, they were great.
00:22:39(crashing and breaking) I swear to god, on paper, this was a great idea.
00:23:01All right, that's it.
00:23:02Get dressed-- we're going to dinner.
00:23:04Oh, my god, itdidwork.
00:23:08 I won't have you boys starving to death.
00:23:10The last thing I need is a bunch of social workers and reporters tearing up the front lawn.
00:23:14Now, hurry up before I change my mind.
00:23:17What about the dress?
00:23:19I really liked that dress.
00:23:45Anybody home?
00:23:48Hot cha!
00:23:50This evening just keeps getting better and better.
00:23:58You don't want to rush off to Burger World right now, do you?
00:24:01Of course not. I mean, why would you want to get up, put on your coat and get into your car when you're perfectly comfortable right where you are?
00:24:09WhWhat do you care about eating a great big jumbo anyhow?
00:24:13You know, the ones with the big pickles, crunchy lettuce, ripe tomatoes? No big deal, right?
00:24:18And why disturb yourself just for two all-beef patties, some sweet, crisp onions on a soft, homemade bun?
00:24:25Oh! no.
00:24:26Okay. oh. jeezle.
00:24:29Not again.
00:24:31(flushing) @@@@úúúúúpppppppxxxxxx÷÷÷÷xñp@@úx@ Remember that one gift?
00:25:40The one we wrote letters asking for.
00:25:42And finished all our vegetables for.
00:25:44Bass Pro Shops has great deals on great gifts, Like RedHead Long Sleeved Chamois Shirts for only $19.94.
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00:27:33Captioned byMedia Access Group at WGBH ♪♪♪♪
00:28:14hi, honey.
00:28:14Welcome home from work.
00:28:16Oh, god, I love saying that.
00:28:19It's much better than saying, welcome home from loitering at the head shop.
00:28:24Oh, my god, hyde.
00:28:25Five seconds have gone by, and you haven't ripped off your tie, or as you refer to it, " yeah, forgot I was wearin' it.
00:28:34Would you look at that?
00:28:36The dancing bear has become accustomed to his cage.
00:28:40Why would you put a dancing bear in a cage?
00:28:44He's entertaining you, give him some room.
00:28:48No, fez, what she's saying is that hyde is becoming a money-grubbing corporate zombie.
00:28:53Did you hear that, steven?
00:28:53We're gonna be rich!
00:28:56No, we're not, jackie.
00:28:56I hate the man.
00:28:58I'm still dedicated to kicking his ass.
00:29:01I'm just doing it from the inside, where I get a pension and dental and stuff.
00:29:06Oh, don't worry, honey.
00:29:07You're still a rebel.
00:29:10Give me two years, I'll have him speaking french and writing thank-you notes.
00:29:16(sighs) HYDE'S GROWIN' UP So fast.
00:29:18It seems like just yesterday, we were swipin' "playboys," trenchin' old man shinsky's yard and cuttin' the brakes on fat marvin's bike.
00:29:27I don't remember trenching old man shinsky's yard.
00:29:30Oh, that's 'cause you didn't approve.
00:29:32I think your exact words were, "that guy's worked hard " what's wrong with me?