Will & Grace - East Side Story   View more episodes

Aired at 11:00 AM on Thursday, Feb 11, 2010 (2/11/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:12understand someone ( chime ) ..
00:00:20And removes static in the dryer.
00:00:22Purex complete 3-in-1.
00:00:24It's purex. extraordinary.
00:00:48Who can I make this out to?
00:00:50Jack McFarland.
00:00:52It's such an honor to meet you.
00:00:55I love your show.
00:00:58You're, like, my favorite medium.
00:01:00Although, in person, you look more like a Large.
00:01:04Hello, arms.
00:01:08Thank you for noticing.
00:01:09Just because I talk to the dead doesn't mean I can't look good.
00:01:13Who can I make yours out to?
00:01:14Oh, um, I'm not here for that.
00:01:16I need you to get through to my late husband, Stanley Walker.
00:01:20You see, I'm engaged.
00:01:22Nice rock.
00:01:22What is that, Martin Katz?
00:01:26Damn, youaregood.
00:01:30You see, I can't go through with the wedding unless I have Stanley's blessing.
00:01:34(Jack) And, um, could you get me through to Jude Law?
00:01:39He's not dead.
00:01:40Yeah, I know, but I would like to make contact with his other side.
00:01:48I'm not doing any readings here today.
00:01:50But it sounds like you just need to get in touch with your own feelings and emotions.
00:01:54Trust your heart.
00:01:55Spare me the mumbo jumbo about heart and feelings.
00:01:58I am a rational, thinking woman, and I have come here to talk to a ghost.
00:02:03I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you today.
00:02:06Oh, well, thanks for nothing, John Edward.
00:02:08And to think, I almost voted for you.
00:02:15Hey, uh, when I die, you wanna grab dinner?
00:02:24Flipping dykes?
00:02:25Flipping dykes!
00:02:31Well, what do we do?
00:02:31Do we back off?
00:02:32No, no, no, no.
00:02:33That apartment belongs to us.
00:02:34I'm not gonna let a couple of Ellen-lovin', Jenny Shimizu calendar-buyin', Uggs in the summertime-wearin', lady lovers scare us off.
00:02:41But how can we compete with two hot women?
00:02:44I mean, look at us.
00:02:45We're barely one hot woman.
00:02:49Uh, speak for yourself.
00:02:51They are a power couple, there's no doubt about it.
00:02:53So I think our only hope is to divide and conquer.
00:02:58What does that mean?
00:03:00It means if we can break them up, then their stranglehold on the East Side will crumble, and the only thing they'll be flipping is burgers.
00:03:07What's our plan?
00:03:09Look, on Animal Planet, why is it that the pumas always single out the one limpy gazelle for dinner?
00:03:16Ugh, there's gonna be nature in our plan?
00:03:19Because he's the weak one.
00:03:25Okay, so betwe Monet and Deirdre, which one's the weak one?
00:03:28She was totally checking me out.
00:03:31She's no lez.
00:03:32Oh, sure, when it was chic, she jumped on the bandwagon, but one little push, she'll be back on the man-wagon.
00:03:40Okay, look, we'll have them over.
00:03:41And we'll pretend like we're proposing a truce.
00:03:43Then at some point, I get the weak one in a clinch, you and the tough one walk in-- tears, drama, finger-pointing, hair-pulling, we're done.
00:03:50[gasps] Oh, that's good.
00:03:52If the Macarthur Foundation gave out Evil Genius Grants, you would so win one.
00:03:57It is pretty awful.
00:04:00To evil.
00:04:00To evil.
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00:08:01(Jack) Come on, Karen.
00:08:02You're not seriously thinking of calling off your engagement, are you?
00:08:06Well, I don't know what else to do.
00:08:08I don't have Stanley's blessing.
00:08:09And if that psychic John Kerry can't put me in touch with him, then who can?
00:08:16It's too bad too.
00:08:18Lyle was a really good guy.
00:08:20He was.
00:08:21But don't give up.
00:08:23I love you two as a couple.
00:08:26Can I have your ring?
00:08:33Well, good night, Kare.
00:08:35Good night.
00:08:37I love you.
00:08:41Love you less.
00:08:43And who knows, Karen?
00:08:45Tonight might be the night that you hear from Stan.
00:08:48[gasps] I hope so.
00:08:58(Male etheral voice) Karen.
00:09:01[gasps] It's Stan.
00:09:07Stanley, oh, my God!
00:09:11You have my blessing to marry Finster.
00:09:15I do?
00:09:19[sighs] See ya.
00:09:22Wait, oh, wait!
00:09:25Stanley, come back!
00:09:26Tell me, what's heaven like?
00:09:30Uh, it's...
00:09:31It's like a long room.
00:09:34Kind of like a hallway.
00:09:37With a credenza and fancy wallpaper.
00:09:42Oh, and there goes Rosie.
00:09:42Hey, girl.
00:09:48Anyway, where was I?
00:09:51Oh, yeah-- Your order comes to 8.79.
00:10:00Thank you, please drive around.
00:10:04Good save, Burger Queen.
00:10:09Oh, Jackie, how could you?
00:10:12You know that heavenly voices speak to me every night over the intercom, and you abused that knowledge!
00:10:18You have really crossed the line this time.
00:10:20I can never forgive you.
00:10:22Can I sleep over?
00:10:23Yeah, but no pajama bottoms.
00:10:28(Will) Anyway, thanks for coming over tonight.
00:10:30We knew if we just sat down and talked, we could get past this silly rivalry.
00:10:34Rivalries are stupid.
00:10:35Except for the whole Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan thing.
00:10:38That seems legitimate.
00:10:40Yes, I have to tell you, this is a new thing for us.
00:10:43We rarely go out.
00:10:44She likes me pale.
00:10:49Anyway, about that whole Aunt Honey thing, we're sorry we went on your turf.
00:10:53I guess I just figured since she's my favorite aunt, if anyone was gonna rob her blind, it would be me.
00:10:57Well, Grace, there's no room for emotion in business.
00:11:02Or anywhere in life.
00:11:06More wine, Monet?
00:11:07Wup-up. No, she's fine.
00:11:09But I want some wine.
00:11:12I said enough.
00:11:13Grace, this apartment is wonderful.
00:11:18My husband and I had one just like it.
00:11:20Until I fell in love with his sister.
00:11:25Are the bedrooms large?
00:11:26Mine is.
00:11:26I'll bet it is.
00:11:28Grace, could you help me with something in the kitchen?
00:11:34[laughs] Don't forget me when I'm gone.
00:11:42Settle down, you're making a fool of yourself.
00:11:45What are you waiting for?
00:11:46Make your move.
00:11:47Go for the weak one so we can walk in and catch you.
00:11:50I will, I just have to figure out a way to get her in the bedroom.
00:11:52She's a designer.
00:11:53Ask her opinion on something.
00:11:54Right, right.
00:11:55Ooh, I'll ask her wh-what she thinks of my new dust ruffle.
00:12:00And then you can show her the scarf you're knitting, and give her a list of all the movies that make you cry.
00:12:07Be a guy, you big mo!
00:12:15So, Monet-- I'd love to.
00:12:17All right!
00:12:19So, I guess we should sit down for, like, anywhere from two to five minutes.
00:12:25Oh, look.
00:12:26You need more wine.
00:12:28Oh, that's okay.
00:12:29I think I've had enough.
00:12:30No, no, no, please.
00:12:30There is nothing sexier than a beautiful woman with a glass of wine in her hand.
00:12:38Deirdre, when you're right, you're right.
00:12:42Well, this is it.
00:12:43This is where it all happens.
00:12:46Yeah, this baby has seen me through some pretty wild times.
00:12:51I am talkin' wuh-ild.
00:12:51[chuckles] Damn it, I have told that cleaning woman a thousand times, what's the point of having a dust ruffle if you can see metal?
00:13:04I mean, uh...
00:13:06[deep-voiced] Dust ruffle.
00:13:11So, uh, where were we?
00:13:13Shut up and French me.
00:13:17There was a time when I thought about being a lesbian, but it seemed like a lot of extra work.
00:13:25Well, it is a commitment.
00:13:27Oh, I-- Hey, I forgot.
00:13:29Where's Will and Monet?
00:13:30You know what, we should probably go check on them.
00:13:32Why don't you walk into the room ahead of me?
00:13:33No, forget them.
00:13:35I want you.
00:13:42Be my partner.
00:13:44Look, I thought I made it clear about all the extra work and everything.
00:13:47I mean, I just like to lay there.
00:13:51No, my design partner.
00:13:55Monet is fine.
00:13:56I mean, no one does more with black and cement, but how many apartments can you sell to Moby?
00:14:04Well, I'm kind of already partners with Will.
00:14:06God, well, imagine what the two of us could do together.
00:14:10God, your hair is gorgeous.
00:14:13Go on.
00:14:17Sure, Will seems nice.
00:14:18And he puts together an okay party platter.
00:14:21But I have got a ton of money.
00:14:24And I can take you places you've never been before.
00:14:26Don't you want that, Grace?
00:14:28Don't you want to go to those places?
00:14:37That's hot.
00:14:38Women. Sexy. Yum.
00:14:42What time is it?
00:14:43Oh, God, you are such a good kisser.
00:14:45You kiss like a girl.
00:14:48Well, I-- I throw like one too.
00:14:51Shut up!
00:14:51Wait, wait, whoa.
00:14:52Did you hear something?
00:14:54No, I--I thought I heard Grace at the door.
00:14:56Grace, is that you?
00:14:56D-don't come in here.
00:14:58Don't you and Deirdre come in here right now!
00:15:03Deirdre, stop.
00:15:04You're--you're making me all confused.
00:15:05Then I'll make it simple.
00:15:06Say yes.
00:15:07Be on my team.
00:15:08I want you on my team.
00:15:10Stop saying "team." [sighs] Look.
00:15:14Look, Will is my partner.
00:15:15I'm committed to him.
00:15:16You have to respect that.
00:15:20I understand.
00:15:21I completely understand.
00:15:23Thank you.
00:15:24Would you like to dance?
00:15:35Jack, wake up!
00:15:37Honey, wake up.
00:15:37Wake up right now.
00:15:39Wake up. Jackie, Jackie.
00:15:41Karen, I was right in the middle of a great dream.
00:15:45Jude Law and I were taking a Jacuzzi.
00:15:49And I was looking at the long arm of the Law.
00:15:55Honey, have you been asleep this whole time?
00:15:59Except when I peed.
00:16:01But I never got out of the bed.
00:16:07Then itwashim.
00:16:09Honey, Stan spoke to me.
00:16:12I was downstairs making a ham sandwich, and all of a sudden, I heard Stan's voice.
00:16:16Oh, my God.
00:16:18Did you put mayo on it?
00:16:20Honey, I'm telling you, it was him.
00:16:23Stan spoke to me.
00:16:25Well, you know, it makes sense.
00:16:28In Native American mythology, the refrigerator is the portal to dead fat people.
00:16:33[gasps] Oh, my God.
00:16:34What did he say?
00:16:37Is heaven fabulous?
00:16:39Do they let gay people in?
00:16:40No, wait, I wanna be surprised.
00:16:42Honey, he said that I could marry Finny.
00:16:47He said that all he's ever wanted was for me to be happy.
00:16:50Well, I told you that, Karen.
00:16:52He'd want you two to be together.
00:16:54Even when he was alive, he fantasized about you with other men.
00:16:57Why should it be any different when he was dead?
00:16:59Oh, Jackie.
00:17:02This calls for champagne.
00:17:03I'm so excited!
00:17:04Now I can get married.
00:17:06You know, I guess I just needed to hear it from the man himself.
00:17:15How did that happen?
00:17:17I just do a better Stan than you.
00:17:26[Romantic dance music plays] Grace!
00:17:29What the hell?
00:17:33Give us a minute.
00:17:37Excuse us.
00:17:38What the hell-- what the hell is going on?
00:17:40Wh-what about the plan?
00:17:41I'm in there vamping for 20 minutes.
00:17:43I'm supposedly out here now looking for condoms!
00:17:45I'm thinking about becoming partners with Deirdre.
00:17:48She thinks I'm pretty.
00:17:52Don't you see what she's doing?
00:17:53She's trying to break us up.
00:17:54She's a puma.
00:17:56[gasps] She is.
00:18:00And I'm the weak one.
00:18:00I'm the limpy gazelle.
00:18:06How dare you.
00:18:07How dare you use sex as a weapon to prey on this innocent girl?
00:18:13Did you find any rubbers?
00:18:16Well, I'm with him now.
00:18:19Don't be a simp.
00:18:19He's using you.
00:18:21Just like I'm using her.
00:18:23(Both) Is that true?
00:18:27You were using me?
00:18:28You were using me?
00:18:28Oh, come on, you were all over me!
00:18:30And you were all over me.
00:18:31Is that true?
00:18:31Is that true?
00:18:35You bitch!
00:18:36You bitch!
00:18:37You bitch.
00:18:37You bitch.
00:18:42Is this what we've been reduced to?
00:18:44Cheap sexual ploys?
00:18:46Over what?
00:18:47Real estate?
00:18:48I'm ashamed of all of us.
00:18:50You're really not into me at all?
00:18:52I'm not big on the redheads.
00:18:57Can I...
00:18:57look at it later?
00:19:01I think twice was enough.
00:19:05Look, we don't want any more trouble.
00:19:07W-we-- W-w-well, you guys take the East Side, and we'll just stay on the West Side.
00:19:11Fine, I'm tired of dressing to intimidate anyway.
00:19:14I can't wait 'til being lesbian goes out of style again.
00:19:16I can go back to my sweats and loose neckties.
00:19:20So you're not mad at me?
00:19:22Are we still a team?
00:19:23Of course, Darling.
00:19:24You know I love being a team with you.
00:19:26What is it with them and the word "team"?
00:19:29Besides, I don't blame you.
00:19:30He's beautiful.
00:19:32He's like a female k.d. lang.
00:19:42Are you mad at me?
00:19:43Yes, I'm furious.
00:19:44Well, what else is new?
00:20:19You look beautiful tonight.
00:20:21Allow me.
00:20:24It's tough to reachthat five servings a day if you don't always likethe taste of vegetables.
00:20:30I'll be rightback, okay? okay.
00:20:34Good thing v8 v-fusion juice gives you a serving of vegetables hidden by a serving of fruit.
00:20:41V8. what's your number?
00:20:43Now try refreshingnew cranberry blackberry v8 v-fusion juice.
00:21:19said aren't absorbed properly unless taken with food.
00:21:23 it's different -- it's calcium citrate, so it can be absorbed with or without food.
00:21:29Also available in small, easy-to-swallow petites.
00:21:34r having us over.
00:21:36Yeah, let's make it a weekly thing.
00:21:38Remember, I don't want to see you anywhere near the East Side.
00:21:43I don't like you butch.
00:21:51That was fun.
00:21:53I kind of liked being a lesbian.
00:21:58Yeah, me too.
00:21:59Captioning byCaptionMax www.captionmax.com Dear Mrs. Crandall: It's easy to get so busy, we can forget there are others who need our help...
00:22:29Let's work on your reading, okay?
00:22:31(Child reading) Vanessa, you're next.
00:22:37(Child reading) ♪ Everyday heroes, livin' in your neighborhood...
00:22:44By taking the time to help my daughter read, you've become her hero... and mine.
00:23:13(Jack) Hey, you wanna be my second choice for the movies?
00:23:16We can go to a family film and look for gay subtext.
00:23:24Nah. I'm just gonna hang around here.
00:23:27Get out the old tool box and do some fix-it work around the house.
00:23:30If you're gonna give yourself a pedicure, you have to get more cotton balls, 'cause I took 'em all.
00:23:35Damn it! How many times have I told you to stay out of my tool box?
00:23:39Come on, Will.
00:23:40I don't wanna go to the movies alone like an overweight woman.
00:23:44Well...ask Grace to go.
00:23:49It'd be kinda weird.
00:23:51I mean, we hardly even know each other.
00:23:55Well, you have things in common...
00:23:56like your love of the new format ofStarMagazine and--and not knowing who's running for president.
00:24:03I don't really like voting.
00:24:04What's the point of stepping into a booth if you can't get fondled?
00:24:10Hi, gays!
00:24:16Listen, Will, I need you to drive me around for the rest of the day.
00:24:20Driver's getting his ears pinned.
00:24:22I couldn't stand lookin' at those Dumbo flaps for one more second.
00:24:26Karen, I'm not your chauffeur.
00:24:27In fact, I think we discussed this when I came back from Bali with a tan, and you told me to bring the car around.
00:24:33Kare, why don't you just drive yourself?
00:24:36Sweetheart, huh, I don't know what century you're living in, but women aren't allowed to drive.
00:24:44Karen, you don't know how to drive, do you?
00:24:48Nah, never had to.
00:24:49Plus somebody's gotta be the designated drinker.
00:24:55But, hey, since you work for the DMV, maybe you could teach me.
00:24:57No, no, no, no.
00:24:58Get Finster to do it.
00:24:59No, he's British.
00:25:00He'll teach me to drive on the wrong side of the road.
00:25:03Isn't that where you're gonna end up anyway?
00:25:06Well, get Jack to do it.
00:25:09That dope? That dope couldn't teach a monkey how to scratch his own ass.
00:25:17It's true.
00:25:19[upbeat jazz music] ♪ ♪
00:25:36hi, may I help you?
00:25:38Yes, I hear progressive has lots of discounts on car insurance.
00:25:41Can I get in on that?
00:25:43Are you a safe driver?
00:25:46Do you own a home?
00:25:49Are you going to buy online?
00:25:51Isn't getting discounts great?
00:25:56There's no discount for agreeing with me.
00:25:57Yeah, I got carried away.
00:26:00Happens to me all the time.
00:26:01Helping you save money -- now, that's progressive.
00:26:04Call or click today.
00:27:48Good, good, you're doin' very well.
00:27:50Oh, honey, I love driving.
00:27:53It's exhilarating.
00:27:54Let's take her up!
00:27:58Karen, this isn't a flying car.
00:28:02It is when you've smoked as much as I have.
00:28:08Just concentrate on the road.
00:28:10You're doing just fine.
00:28:12But give it a little more gas.
00:28:14Okay, now heads up.
00:28:15Next block there's a woman with a baby carriage.
00:28:17I'm on it!
00:28:17No, no! Don't speed up!
00:28:21[police siren] Oh, damn, it's a cop.
00:28:24I'm on it!
00:28:25No, no, no!
00:28:25[police siren] You've gotta stop!
00:28:27He's pulling us over.
00:28:27Oh, God.
00:28:35(Karen) Okay, listen, there's something you should know.
00:28:38I was just a kid, 14 or so, and I fell in with the wrong crowd.
00:28:42One kid's father had a gun.
00:28:43And I didn't want the others to think I was chicken, so we see this businessman really full of himself.
00:28:46Here he comes.
00:28:49Reel it in.
00:28:49Point is, I never did nothin'.
00:28:51And you don't know nothin' about nothin'.
00:28:52You got me?
00:28:57You know how fast you were going?
00:29:00How could I?
00:29:01I'm inside it.