New Girl - TinFinity   View more episodes

Aired at 04:30 PM on Friday, Sep 11, 2015 (9/11/2015)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02(shrieking) Party time, man.
00:00:03Did you know that the chemical symbol for tin is SN?
00:00:07Schmidt and Nick. What?
00:00:09Is no one else's mind blown by this?
00:00:11That's it, our theme is TinFinity.
00:00:12TinFinity. That's actually really good, Schmidt.
00:00:15Yeah, it is. Although, I really don't think two men who live together for ten years need a party.
00:00:19Why must you always be like this?
00:00:20Because you never let me participate in the planning.
00:00:22I would love for you to participate.
00:00:24Gah! That was a trick. I was trying to get out of it.
00:00:26♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪Who's that girl?♪
00:00:29♪ Who's that girl? ♪
00:00:30♪Who's that girl?♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪
00:00:34They're celebrating ten years ofliving together?
00:00:36Why are we friends withthese guys, Jess?
00:00:38I...What happened?
00:00:39It's so weird to think that Nick is the last personI kissed.
00:00:42Actually, Schmidt's the last person I kissed. Okay, what?
00:00:45It was nothing.Nick was watching.
00:00:47What is happeningin this loft?
00:00:49Ooh, girls chat.
00:00:51Hey, Nick.
00:00:52(whispers): I wish I knew whatwas going on inside Nick's head.
00:00:54He's this, like,grumpy mystery.
00:00:57Jess, are theseopen for anybody?
00:00:58Yep. Right on, thank you.
00:00:59He can't communicatea feeling to save his life.
00:01:01But why can't Istop thinking about his mouth on my mouth?
00:01:05Hey, Jess, do I have frosting on my lips?
00:01:09Look at my mouth--do I have frosting on it?
00:01:12Wh-Why are you asking me this?
00:01:13My mouth feels moist and weird.
00:01:15Do I have anything on it?
00:01:16Get out of here! Ugh! Aw...
00:01:19Okay, you know what?
00:01:20You need what I needed.You need a new guy, all right?
00:01:23Dating Shivrang helped me get past allthe weird stuff with Schmidt.
00:01:26I need the Anti-Nick.
00:01:27Yeah.I need a real man, who can express his feelings,and I need a different mouthon my mouth.
00:01:32To erase that mouth.
00:01:33MAN:No, you actually don't need towash raw denim.
00:01:36Haven't washed mypants in 18 months.
00:01:38(laughs) Also, I'm bisexual.
00:01:41Microchips begettin' small.
00:01:43They be, like,blueberry size.
00:01:44So you could put 'emin your cereal, girl.
00:01:47I don't get your thing.
00:01:48It's prescription.
00:01:52Damn it.
00:01:52What happened to theguys in this bar?
00:01:54They open up a busstation next door?
00:01:56Where arethe real men?
00:01:57I can't talk right now.
00:01:58I'm writing a strongly-wordede-mail to my florist.
00:02:03Guys, guys,guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, look at the door,don't look at the door, look right now, don't look,one at a time.
00:02:06Look, but don't look.Guys, one at a time.
00:02:09Don't look now.
00:02:10Look. No, you'reboth looking.
00:02:11I don't knowwhat to do. I'm confused.
00:02:13Look right now at the door. Go.
00:02:16that is a strappingyoung man.
00:02:17NICK: That is Jax McTavish.
00:02:19He plays safety for San Francisco.
00:02:21Why's he with Winston?
00:02:22Winston looks so cool.
00:02:23What up, guys? Oh, "What's up, guys." You're just gonna walk over and say, "What's up, guys?" Winston, does he think you're Omar Epps?
00:02:28(chuckling): You guys talking about Jax?
00:02:30Look, I interviewed him at the radio station, and we just hit it off.
00:02:33It's not a big deal, you know, unless you think hanging out with a pro baller is a big deal.
00:02:36His hands are so big and warm.
00:02:37I want to fall asleep in them, like Thumbelina.
00:02:40How about, uh, introducing me?
00:02:41(laughter) SCHMIDT: Yeah, okay. You and Jax?
00:02:45(laughter) Yeah.
00:02:46Jess and Jax McTavish.
00:02:47Great bit, Jess.
00:02:49(laughing): What a dumb idea.
00:02:51Do it. No.
00:02:52You can't handle that kind of thunder. Hell, no.
00:02:54Jax and I are just becoming friends.
00:02:56I'm going over there. Jess, no, Jess.
00:02:59Hey, Jess, let me show you something. Hmm?
00:03:01It's right here.
00:03:02Hi, I'm Jess. I'm Winston's roommate.
00:03:04How you doing?
00:03:05I'm Jax. So nice to meet you.
00:03:06(whispering): Jess, stop it, stop it.
00:03:07Cool, so I hear you play for San Francisco.
00:03:08I do.
00:03:107.8 tackles, man, I can't believe you didn't go to the Pro Bowl.
00:03:13Here's my question: What's a "point-eight" tackle? (laughs) JESS: Did you know I'm a teacher?
00:03:18What would you teach me? (laughs) Nick... the theme is "masculine garden party." Look at that-- I made a graph.
00:03:22I thought you said I was gonna help you plan it.
00:03:24Nick, we both know that you're not very good with party chores.
00:03:27You sent out the invitations, right?
00:03:31I sent them out?
00:03:32Okay, I'm older now. I am wiser.
00:03:34I want to help plan my own party.
00:03:35Okay, fine, I will give you balloons...
00:03:37Oh, sweet, balloons are...
00:03:38...and Porta Potties. Porta Potties?!
00:03:40That sounds like a job for babies.
00:03:41Does that look like a job for babies?
00:03:43Oh, so this is a big job?
00:03:45I thought you were being disrespectful. No!
00:03:46Oh. Where do you think people are gonna go to the bathroom?
00:03:50I never thought of that.
00:03:51And you are now in charge of that, and if you dig a hole in a, in, in a dirt field, I'm gonna kill you.
00:03:57I don't want the responsibility.
00:04:01You can do this, man.
00:04:02What, what are your chores?
00:04:04Well, Porta Potties. Porta Potties.
00:04:06What's-- now, what is the first chore that I gave you?
00:04:08I have absolutely no memory.
00:04:10I'm having an anxiety attack.
00:04:49smoke, there's a toxic mix of over7,000 chemicals coming for you.
00:04:55Wakey, wakey little chocolate.
00:04:58Wicked crunch outside...
00:05:02creamy real chocolate inside.
00:05:03Krave cereal.
00:05:06Chocolate Chocolate...
00:05:07yum yum!
00:05:10atstubborn makeup?
00:05:11Not on this sensitive skin!
00:05:12Garnier Clean+ Sensitive Skin Makeup Removing Cleanser.
00:05:15Quick Break technology instantly breaks down makeup.
00:05:18PLUS it's gentle on skin.
00:05:19Later, Harsh!
00:05:21Garnier Clean+.
00:05:25twoperformances with ..
00:05:27You can make a whole night of karaoke.
00:05:28Always infinity.
00:05:30The world's first foam pad absorbs 10x its weight feels like nothing.
00:05:37Rewrite the rules This football season we get anything we want.
00:05:41ANY toppings, ANY specialty, ANY large Pizza Hut pizza, for just 10 bucks.
00:05:43If only this could last forever.
00:05:47But it won't Now until September 27th, bring home the flavor with the $10ANY Carryout Deal.
00:05:50Only at Pizza Hut Hut Hut.
00:06:11laughter) Big job interview?
00:06:13Oh yeah. Got everything I need: good resume, great references,perfect handshake.
00:06:17What about your credit?
00:06:19Some employers could ask tocheck your credit before they hire you.
00:06:22What if my perfect handshakewrites a check my credit can't cash?
00:06:25You can check your credit forfree at Credit Karma.
00:06:27Let me see that.
00:06:28Huh. That's just the ego boost Ineed.
00:06:36First step, Credit Karma.
00:06:40Your hair's still thinning.
00:06:41You may have inactive follicles.
00:06:43Reactivate them withWomen's ROGAINE®.
00:06:46The only once-a-day foam that gets to the rootof the problem.
00:06:50Reviving follicles And re-energizing hair, From the inside out to regrow your hair.
00:06:57And new hair grows up to 48% thicker.
00:07:00Restoring body. Renewing volume.
00:07:02And reviving your va-va-voom.
00:07:05Women's ROGAINE® Foam.
00:07:07More is beautiful.™ ♪
00:07:17Pepsi Wild Cherry.
00:07:20Explosively Cherry.
00:07:26It's two men celebrating living together for ten years.
00:07:29Uh, no, they're not.
00:07:30No, I can tell you for a fact that they're not.
00:07:33Okay, okay, I'm hanging up.
00:07:35So, good news.
00:07:37Um, my mom spoke to your mom last night, and they've given us their blessings.
00:07:42So that means...
00:07:43Well, now that the moms approve, when do you want to do this thing?
00:07:47Is that a... (scoffs) that a proposal?
00:07:51Oh, are, are you upset? I'm sorry, I...
00:07:53It's just, with arranged marriage, there isn't a lot of romance.
00:07:56No, no, no, I'm s-- I'm sorry, actually.
00:07:58I think I'm just a little taken aback by how quick this all has been.
00:08:02I barely know you, and...
00:08:03I used to just think that if I was being proposed to, I would notice it was happening.
00:08:07But we're doing this thing?
00:08:09Maybe you could just stop saying "doing this thing." Yup.
00:08:14Really did it.
00:08:16Beautiful job, thank you so much, what a...
00:08:18This is amazing-- everything's tin, you guys, everything.
00:08:23Hey, man.
00:08:24rented out the whole park, so take your soccer someplace else.
00:08:26Give us our ball back, you douche.
00:08:28Hey, yeah, sure, no, I'll give you your ball back. Great.
00:08:32(grunts) Pure tin, pure tin.
00:08:38Take your football back to Europe.
00:08:39Really? Who's the douche now, you douche "B"?
00:08:42I couldn't stop you from inviting Jax to the party, but Icanstop it from going any further.
00:08:47I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay?
00:08:49I might not have any game, but, oh, my goodness, can I take game away.
00:08:52I'm getting that mouth on my mouth, and don't you try to stop me, you...
00:08:54Look, clearly I have the upper hand when it comes to Jax.
00:08:57Do you? Oh, I do, because I know all about sports.
00:08:59Jess, you know nothing about sports.
00:09:01Oh, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality.
00:09:08(chuckles) Fool.
00:09:10I got, like, three of those things.
00:09:13These are amazing.
00:09:14You also got tablecloths?
00:09:15I feel so fancy.
00:09:16How much did you spend on this, Schmidt?
00:09:18Ah, Nicholas, I have what's called an income, you know.
00:09:22Well, you're not the only one who spent a little bit of money on this.
00:09:25Okay. Check this out, Schmidt, you're gonna freak out.
00:09:28Hey, I'm presenting, I'm presenting it.
00:09:31And that ain't no rental.
00:09:32Get up here.
00:09:33This is owned and operated by Mr. Nick Miller.
00:09:35Little help from Sid.
00:09:36You bought a Porta Potti?
00:09:37This one has warm and cold water, real soap dispensers, a fan.
00:09:41Too much.
00:09:42What's that? That's garbage.
00:09:43Garbage-- that's what the nursing home said about my mattress. I'll take it.
00:09:46For 60 bucks, and they threw in something called "septic enzymes," which I don't know what that is, but you're not supposed to get it in your eyes, for sure.
00:09:54I'm a small business owner.
00:09:55Why on Earth would you buy a...?
00:09:57You know what? Forget about it, I'm proud of you.
00:09:59Thank you, man. I gave you a chore and you came through.
00:10:01Yeah, now, look, now we have two.
00:10:02What do you mean we have two-- two of what?
00:10:03Two bathrooms.
00:10:04Yours andEl Baño Presidente.
00:10:07That's a Porta Potti?
00:10:08Yeah, luxury toilet.
00:10:09I thought that was the visitor's center.
00:10:11Well... That's enormous.
00:10:12Why did you get that, Schmidt?
00:10:14What, did you think I was gonna screw up?
00:10:16No, come on, man, no.
00:10:18You know how our relationship works.
00:10:19I'm over-responsible, you're under-responsible.
00:10:21Here's the good news-- now people have a backup to use...
00:10:23No, I want everyone to use this, I want it to be the main potty.
00:10:25No, no, I don't think that should be the main anything.
00:10:27I think people would be better off if they just made a cacain their hand.
00:10:30I don't think so; mine's better than that.
00:10:31I'm sure you killed it on balloons. Well...
00:10:32if you let me explain what happened with the balloons... Who needs balloons?
00:10:35I didn't want balloons anyway.
00:10:36This isn't a little girl's birthday party.
00:10:38This is a celebration of friendship.
00:10:39Then, as a friend... Yeah.
00:10:40I want you to get rid of that.
00:10:41I want everybody using mine. You spit on the...
00:10:43You brought a dirt dungeon to our TinFinity.
00:10:43All right, well, we'll see.
00:10:45I'm proud of you; you did good.
00:10:46I'm proud of you. You bought a spaceship.
00:10:50Hey, man, you watchHomeland?
00:10:51No? I'm in the first season, second episode.
00:10:53Don't spoil anything.
00:10:55Hey, flag on the play.
00:10:56Too many men on the field.
00:10:57Winston, get out.
00:10:58Jax, over here on the bench with me.
00:10:59Come on, let me show you some stuff. Okay.
00:11:07Go, go, Jess, go.
00:11:09Oh, boy.
00:11:10(grunting) You want me? Come and get me.
00:11:13I'm gonna get you... you can't get by me.
00:11:15You're down.
00:11:18Why would you do that?
00:11:19Winston, we're on the same team.
00:11:23What are you doing? (grunts) You did it!
00:11:28(grunting) WINSTON: N-N-No!
00:11:34What's going on, Sid?
00:11:35Did you tell 'em that ours works?
00:11:37Hey, guys, this is available, no line.
00:11:39That Porta Potti looks weird, Nick. What?
00:11:41It looks a little, looks a little weird.
00:11:43You look a little weird, Sanders.
00:11:45Why don't you wipe your butt with a little strawberry crepe, you little whiner?
00:11:48I don't really do well with bathroom pressure.
00:11:50Robby, don't dog me like this. I'm gonna give you your space.
00:11:52No, 'cause they're all following you, Robby, they're all...
00:11:56Get in there.
00:11:57I don't have to go anymore.
00:11:58Really? Yeah.
00:11:59So that's not full of pee? (groans) No. I saw you drinking those sodas.
00:12:03No, no, no, it's good. How about now?
00:12:04Stop, stop, you're gonna make me... (both laughing) I don't have to go, I don't have to go.
00:12:07Get in there, dude, or get out of this party.
00:12:11Wrong choice.
00:12:12Nick, what are you doing?
00:12:14I bought a Porta Potti, Jess.
00:12:16What, why? Yeah.
00:12:17I'm a small business owner... You own a Porta Potti? Yeah, but nobody's using it.
00:12:19This is not about a Porta Potti.
00:12:21Itisabout a Porta Potti.
00:12:22I don't want to talk about this.
00:12:23You know, it's been really nice hanging out with Jax because he likes to talk about his feelings.
00:12:28Give me a break, Jess. Is that really what you want-- a man who talks about his feelings all the time?
00:12:34No, right?
00:12:37Do you want me to use your Porta Potti?
00:12:40Yeah, but don't just do it for me; do it 'causeyouwant to.
00:12:42Mm, I'm definitely doing it for you.
00:12:44And just a tip... Yeah?
00:12:45if you want people to use your toilet, don't camp out in front of it.
00:12:49Do me a favor, if you're going to go in.
00:12:51Mm-hmm. Really sell it, 'cause I want girls to see it.
00:12:53Okay. You know what I mean? Just, like, make a show of it.
00:12:56Okay. Thank you.
00:12:57Bye, Jess, thank you.
00:12:58Ooh, just my style!
00:13:00Nicely vintage.
00:13:02Can't wait to get inside!
00:13:03Sure wish I had a good book.
00:13:05Can't wait.
00:13:06(flies buzzing) Oh, this is horrible!
00:13:08I got it; you told me like, ten times.
00:13:10Okay, but I'm just saying, I don't know what that one does.
00:13:12Look, the instant the big speech begins, you initiate toast sequence.
00:13:16You got that, Red?
00:13:17Look, don't-don't mess this up.
00:13:18Tippy go bye-bye, you mess this up.
00:13:20Tippy go bye-bye. Okay.
00:13:22Okay, great.
00:13:24Bite me, you wang.
00:13:25What did you say, man?
00:13:26Hey, Schmidt. Hey.
00:13:28You remember Shivrang?
00:13:29Shivrang, what is up, my man?
00:13:31Welcome to America.
00:13:32Listen, just a little heads up, we're serving cow-meat tacos tonight, so...
00:13:35You mean beef.
00:13:36Cow meat, Shivrang.
00:13:38I'm not crazy.
00:13:40It is beef, right?
00:13:42Hey, can I just say I like you a lot?
00:13:45(chuckles) I like you, too.
00:13:48A lot?
00:13:49'Cause I said "a lot." I-I knew I felt this way, the moment I met you.
00:13:53Yes, a guy who can tell me exactly how he feels.
00:13:57That's what I want.
00:13:59That is what I want.
00:14:00It's just...
00:14:03You, uh...
00:14:05(sobbing): You make me...
00:14:09Are you okay?
00:14:11I-I like you a lot.
00:14:15Yeah, I-I...
00:14:16Yeah... (clears throat) I'm fine, I mean...
00:14:19You know what else I like?
00:14:21I like beer.
00:14:22I drink beer.
00:14:23'Cause I'm a man, and I play football.
00:14:25You want some beer? I'm gonna get a beer.
00:14:57I just wasn't feeling that one.
00:15:00Let's go!
00:15:02♪ ♪
00:15:03You and me, we're going solo.
00:15:06Cigarettes are bullies.
00:15:08Don't let tobacco control you.
00:15:12laughing] Life looks great with Tampax Pearl.
00:15:16It's built-in, back-up braid helps stop leaks by channeling them back into the core, protecting you in a way no other tampon does.
00:15:25Power over periods.
00:15:31what like.
00:15:33I thought we agreed to share him?
00:15:36So that's what you meant by dessert!
00:15:58minutes Lets do this (Baby crying in the background) First Kid We've got at least 20 minutes, lets do this By their second kid, every mom is an expert, and more likely to choose Luvsthan first time moms Live, Learn and Get Luvs afraid dare.
00:16:13Or even a double dare.
00:16:16We have three more dares for you.
00:16:18Mild Chipotle, Hot Habanero, and Fiery Ghost Pepper.
00:16:22Taco Bell's new $1 Dare Devil Loaded Grillers.
00:16:23[bong] cleanser, scrub and cream out there...
00:16:29But are you seeing clearer skin?
00:16:31Neutrogena® Oil-Free Acne Wash Pink Grapefruit...
00:16:35...with maximum strength, clinically proven acne medicine.
00:16:37It powerfully fights breakouts, blackheads and even acne marks.
00:16:43Clearer skin, in just one week.
00:16:47Can your cleanser do that?
00:16:48Oil-Free Acne Wash.
00:16:50Only from Neutrogena.
00:16:52#1 dermatologist recommended acne brand.
00:16:59Wakey, wakey little chocolate.
00:17:02Wicked crunch outside...
00:17:05creamy real chocolate inside.
00:17:06Krave cereal.
00:17:09Chocolate Chocolate...
00:17:11yum yum!
00:17:13We're talking damaged!
00:17:14Garnier Fructis Damage Eraser with Phyto-Keratin complex.
00:17:18It has the power to reconstruct strength by 90% root-to-tip.
00:17:21So do your thing.
00:17:24Fructis Damage Eraser.
00:17:28what'swrong, Billy?
00:17:28My doctor says I haveSkittles Pox.
00:17:35Are they contagious?
00:17:38I don't think so.
00:17:39Contract the rainbow!taste the rainbow!
00:17:45It's almost toast time, and I made... Okay.
00:17:47made up a few cards. You know, just jotted down a few notes and bullet points for you.
00:17:50I was gonna do my own toast.
00:17:51I know what I want to say about you.
00:17:53At least take a look at them.
00:17:54I worked really hard on these. "I'm nothing without you." "Thank you for supporting me "during that thing, financially and..." This is a full speech.
00:18:04Feel free to make it your own.
00:18:05Why is it that you think you're better than me, Schmidt?
00:18:08What? What are you talking about?
00:18:09Why do you think you're better than me?
00:18:12Our friendship didn't used to be this way.
00:18:13Remember back in college, when we were equals?
00:18:15You get any last night?
00:18:17No. You? Hell, yeah.
00:18:19Really? No.
00:18:21We're equals. Equals.
00:18:24And then you got that juicer, which I was excited about.
00:18:27You were at a dangerous fat level, but somehow you got skinny, and I became this idiot that you need to take care of.
00:18:32Don't resent me for getting my life together.
00:18:35Oh, your life's together? Yeah.
00:18:37You're throwing a party to celebrate living with your college roommate for ten years. Yeah.
00:18:42What are we doing here?
00:18:43What are we celebrating?
00:18:45What do mean, "what are we cele..." We're celebrating TinFinity!
00:18:49Ten years, two hearts, one home!
00:18:54Loyalty and great conversation.
00:18:56It's right here on the cards!
00:18:58Okay, that ain't right.
00:19:01Hey, Winston. Aha.
00:19:03I see you've come to gloat.
00:19:05Is Jax known for being intense?
00:19:06Yeah, Jess, he's supposed to be intense.
00:19:08He's a professional athlete.
00:19:10You know, he doesn't run.
00:19:11He sprints.
00:19:13He doesn't jump. He leaps.
00:19:15And he doesn't like, Jess. He loves.
00:19:24(clears throat) Hey. Hey.
00:19:28Hey, look, I'm sorry about...
00:19:30No, no, no, no, don't be... don't be sorry.
00:19:33The truth is...
00:19:34I just got out of a relationship that sort of crushed me.
00:19:38And everybody thinks that pro football players are big and strong, and I am.
00:19:41It's true. Look.
00:19:43Whoa! (laughing) This is nothing for me.
00:19:46I can have 20 of you.
00:19:47Never put me down. But that means...
00:19:49when I fall, I fall hard.
00:19:51And yes, sometimes I cry.
00:19:52I cry, too. I cry all the time.
00:19:54I cry in my bedroom, in the bathroom, in the hallway, in the elevator.
00:19:57This morning... I woke up crying.
00:20:00I have this feeling...
00:20:03it's like I've known you forever.
00:20:04I have this feeling, too.
00:20:08Like, I want to French you.
00:20:10I really want to French you. (chuckles) SHIVRANG (over P.A.):..
00:20:13Can I have your attention, please?
00:20:17Uh, excuse me. Could I please have your attention?
00:20:21Um... Oh. Whoa.
00:20:22Hello. I don't know, um, any of you, but I'm Shivrang. Hello.
00:20:26♪ It started off so well... ♪ And... oh, there's music now.
00:20:30Um, look...
00:20:31And... Oh. Oh.
00:20:32What the hell is this?
00:20:33Um, Cece, where are you?
00:20:37Uninitiate toast sequence! This isn't it.
00:20:39This song is for Nick and I! ♪ In your glory and your love ♪
00:20:41Look, I know I said I wasn't gonna do some big proposal thing, but that being said, I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you, (guests gasping) so...
00:20:53WOMAN: Wow! ♪ Were nothing but a sham ♪
00:20:58(gasps happily) Do you, um... do you want to do this thing?
00:21:05♪ I'll love you until I die... ♪
00:21:11(laughs) Yes.
00:21:14Yes? Yeah? Yes.
00:21:15Yeah. Are you sure?
00:21:17♪ Save me... ♪
00:21:19Oh. Oh, wow.
00:21:20This is nuts.
00:21:22I-I didn't do this.
00:21:23♪ Save me, save me ♪
00:21:27♪ Save me ♪
00:21:29♪ I'm naked and I'm far from home... ♪
00:21:31It's shaped like an infinity sign, because they're going to be married forever.
00:21:35(laughs) ♪ The slate will soon ♪
00:21:38♪ Be clean... ♪
00:21:40Thank you.
00:21:43Thank you. Thanks.
00:21:45♪ To start again with somebody new... ♪
00:21:52Hi. Uh, I'd like to say something, too.
00:21:54That's Jax McTavish. I know.
00:21:56Um, I'd like to report a missing item.
00:22:00My heart.
00:22:01It was stolen by that little heart thief right there.
00:22:05(clearing throat) (guests sighing) I'm... I'm innocent. I didn't... I was framed.
00:22:09I just want to say in front of God and all these people at this gorgeous party that I'm in love with you.
00:22:16Mm... no. No. Nah.
00:22:19And I know it's early, but I think I met the girl that... I'm gonna marry.
00:22:25Who...? Who?
00:22:26I'm gonna marry you!
00:22:27(women shrieking, men chuckling) We are not on the same page.
00:22:32I'm gonna marry you.
00:22:33I'm gonna put a baby in you.
00:22:35We're gonna have dogs and cats.
00:22:38(guests applaud & cheer) I met my third wife!
00:23:23My name is Phil Zietlow, and I've been an engineer on the Cheerios team for 51 years.
00:23:26About five years ago, I found out that if my daughter-in-law, Joyce, eats anything with gluten in it, she feels pretty darn terrible.
00:23:32So my team and I came up with a way to remove the grains that contain gluten, from the naturally gluten free oats that Cheerios are made of.
00:23:39So now Joyce and I can have Cheerios together anytime we want.
00:23:43And if you love someone with celiac, or gluten sensitivity, you can too.
00:24:53I stage with my ACUVUE® Contact Lenses, I could actually see faces in the audience.
00:24:58A few rows back, I see my grandma.
00:25:01I'd never seen her so proud.
00:25:03Ask your doctor for ACUVUE®, the lens that changes everything™ Schmidty? Hey.
00:25:57Schmidt, stop it!
00:25:59You okay, buddy?
00:26:01Yeah. No, I'm-I'm fine.
00:26:04It's just, I'm really annoyed about the lighting cues.
00:26:06Also, our girl-to-guy ratio is taking a real nosedive.
00:26:08I mean, we're, like, two bro groups away from being a total wiener fest.
00:26:12It's just really disappointing when things don't work out the way you thought they would, you know?
00:26:17I do.
00:26:18Hey, why don't we get out of here for a bit?
00:26:21Get away from this party stress.
00:26:23You mean, like, take a trip together.
00:26:27No, just, like, walk 40 yards away.
00:26:30Don't think we need a trip or anything like that, pal.
00:26:35Jess? Hey!
00:26:37Hey! Hey! Oh, my God!
00:26:39So excited for you. Let me see it. Yeah.
00:26:41Oh. So beautiful. Mm-hmm.
00:26:44Is this good? This is good, right? It's good.
00:26:46I mean, it's-it's what I wanted.
00:26:47Yes! Yay! I'm getting married!
00:26:49(both whooping) So, what are you... what are you doing in here?
00:26:52I'm hiding. Oh, yeah, that guy.
00:26:54He seemed to, uh, really like you when he gave that speech. Yeah.
00:26:57He might not be the one.
00:26:59(sobbing and muttering) So you still thinking about Nick?
00:27:03No. Shut up. No.
00:27:05All right. (scoffs) Look at that, man. You did get a balloon.
00:27:09Yeah, I got a kick-ass hot air balloon.
00:27:12But it turns out, you need propane to get it up in the air.
00:27:15You didn't know that? How would I know?
00:27:17You didn't want to do any research?
00:27:18How could I do any research?
00:27:19(laughing) I was dealing with the Porta Potti.
00:27:22It's actually kind of nice.
00:27:24It's peaceful.
00:27:28Hey, I'm sorry about Cece, man.
00:27:31I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but I always thought that I was gonna be the man to bone Cece for the rest of her life.
00:27:37I think we all did, buddy.
00:27:39To answer your question from before, this is what we were celebrating.
00:27:44Yeah, that's right.
00:27:45This is what we're celebrating.
00:27:47Yes. Yes. Yeah.
00:27:48Right? You're my best friend, man.
00:27:50Please. Ten years of living together.
00:27:52Upsetting, but kind of great, man.
00:27:55Here's to it. Yes.
00:27:57Not having roommates is for real losers, you know that?
00:28:02Equals. You said it, man.
00:28:07(yelps) Oh, you are such a Nancy boy.
00:28:09What is in that, man? Liquor!
00:28:10♪ If not for you... ♪
00:28:14♪ Babe, I couldn't find the door... ♪
00:28:16Mm. You pick out a song for our first dance?
00:28:20(laughs) Yes, I did.
00:28:21I didn't expect you to dance to it, but you know, I was going to dance for you.
00:28:25Yeah. Come on, it's too close quarters for that, Schmidt.
00:28:27That is beautiful. Pass the hooch.
00:28:28WINSTON: Nick's been hogging it all.
00:28:30Mmm. Here, have a sip.
00:28:31My mouth's been on it. It's not a big deal.
00:28:36It's just my mouth!
00:28:37I... I... It's okay. I'm all right.
00:28:39Come on, have a sip!
00:28:41You put your mouth all over it!
00:28:42You just said that. You put your mouth all over it, and I don't want to think about your mouth!
00:28:46You okay? I just... Yup, I'm fine.
00:28:47What are you doing? What are you doing, Jess?
00:28:49I just don't understand why we only have...
00:28:51I mean, I feel like I should have my own bottle.
00:28:53NICK: Because we were all gonna share...
00:28:54I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going!
00:28:55Where are you going?!
00:28:56We're pretty awesomewingmen for each other.
00:28:58Right. Because we're both the guy the girls want to sleep with, and we're boththe other guy, too.
00:29:02Neither one of us areTom Cruise or the other one.
00:29:04We're both Iceman.
00:29:06Yeah. Equals!Equals!
00:29:09You get a lot of girls?
00:29:11Um, I don't know.Yeah... Yeah. Me, too.
00:29:13I feel like you probably havea lot of game with the ladies. I know what they want sexually, and I'm notafraid to give it to them.
00:29:19I get that from you.I get that vibe, man.
00:29:19What about you?
00:29:21I feel like I put off a similarvibe, but kind of more on the down-low, you knowwhat I mean? Equals!
00:29:23Yeah. Equals!
00:29:37Ah... Three more, Cocktail Johnny.
00:29:39Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor.
00:29:41It's 4 proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.
00:29:44Melon balls. WINSTON: Schmidt, no matter how much you get drunk, Cece's still gonna be engaged. SCHMIDT: Cece?
00:29:49Now, I know you're down about it. I'm not down about Cece.
00:29:51This is, this is a mess. Winston, there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbitwasn't very good. If I want to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me.