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Aired at 05:30 PM on Saturday, Dec 18, 2010 (12/18/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02It's better to cough.
00:00:02like-- Makes you 10 times more higher than the cross weed and the Pineapple Express.
00:00:08You're like, totally Gong Show'ed, man.
00:01:55ereast d She's in high school, so as much as any high school kid.
00:02:03She's cool as hell, actually.
00:02:06You'd get along with her. Really?
00:02:09Yeah, you know... it only sucks when I go visit her in high school, and the all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really funny.
00:02:17Like, do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum, and stuff like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb, unattractive stinky-man turd when I'm there.
00:02:25What? It really-- It sucks for my ego.
00:02:27Tall Jeff Goldblum, man. That's what I say.
00:02:30You know, don't get down on yourself.
00:02:33You got a great girl.
00:02:34You got a great job where you don't do anything.
00:02:36You get to smoke weed all day.
00:02:38I wish I had that.
00:02:41Are you kidd--? You do.
00:02:42You have the easiest job on Earth.
00:02:44You do smoke weed all day.
00:02:46[LAUGHING] That's true.
00:02:47You didn't think of that. No.
00:02:49I do have a good job. Yeah, you do nothing.
00:02:52Thanks, man. No prob.
00:02:54Thank you. [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Oh, shoot. All right. Business.
00:02:57[Rap music playing on stereo] Got my persona. Yeah, yeah.
00:03:02Hey. Put that cross joint out.
00:03:03He sees that, he'll never get out of here.
00:03:07What's up, Chris? CHRIS: Yo. hey, saul.
00:03:09Hey. How you doing, buddy?
00:03:11All right, homes. Good. Who's this?
00:03:12CHRIS: Hey. Oh, that's my friend, Mark.
00:03:14Got the dough? There you go.
00:03:16Appreciate it. SAUL: Good to meet you, mark.
00:03:18Do you have any Percocet? Percocet?
00:03:21What are you talking about? I don't sell that stuff.
00:03:23Chris. Chris.
00:03:26You told him I was gonna sell Percocet?
00:03:27I didn't say anything about Percocet. What the heck?
00:03:29I just wanted a couple Percocets. Well, I...
00:03:32You came to the wrong place. Wrong place.
00:03:34Sorry. Yeah, nice. Peace out, homes.
00:03:36CHRIS: Thank-- God.
00:03:39Turn the lock! Yeah.
00:03:40Freakin' lingerer, man. Yeah, totally.
00:03:43Lingerer. Hardcore.
00:03:46[Switches from rap to new wave music] Bums me out. Bums me out too.
00:03:49If there's one quality I hate in a person, it's lingering.
00:03:51That's right. You and me both.
00:03:54Yeah, yeah. Hey.
00:03:56So I'm curious. What have those people done that you go and process and service?
00:04:00Um, I don't know. It's always something different, I guess.
00:04:02This guy...
00:04:06Ted Jones, who knows? Uh, you know?
00:04:07Whoa. Ted Jones?
00:04:10Yeah, why?
00:04:11My guy, Red, who I buy from, he gets his stuff from a Ted Jones.
00:04:14Really? Maybe it's the same guy.
00:04:16That'd be weird.
00:04:18It's a pretty normal name, I guess, but...
00:04:19Yeah. Anyway...
00:04:21I should really get going, man.
00:04:23I gotta-- I gotta go. Duty calls.
00:04:25But, uh, it's good to see you. Thanks.
00:04:27You're gonna smoke and run? Come on, man.
00:04:28We can-- We can go look at some crazy things on the Internet together.
00:04:31Uh, that sounds appealing, but I think-- I should just get going Oh, that sucks. -Yeah.
00:04:37Well that's cool man. What are you doing this weekend?
00:04:39Cause' my bubbe's got season tickets to the Opera.
00:04:42She can't make it so, wanna go see Phantom?
00:04:45Of the Opera? -Yeah. Uhm...
00:04:48I can't this weekend. But you know what, I'm gonna run out of weed in a couple of days. I'll just come by and we'll hang out.
00:04:56Watch 2-2-7 and curl. -Cool man.
00:04:59Alright man. -Well thanks good to see you.
00:05:02Peach brother! -Okay. One love!
00:05:54oh, my gosh.
00:05:58Oh, my gosh.
00:06:00♪♪ ♪♪
00:06:05[ Male Announcer ] YOU KNOW HER.
00:06:08We know diamonds.
00:06:10Together we'll make her holiday.
00:06:12That's why only zales is the diamond store.
00:06:15Where you can get up to $1,000 off now through sunday.
00:06:23] [ waves crashing ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:06:29call me ishmael!
00:06:32[ Man ] MOBY DICK.
00:06:32[ Voice command ] "SEARCHING FOR MOBY DICK." ♪♪ ♪♪
00:06:40♪♪ ♪♪
00:06:43[ Male Announcer ]AT&T AND BLACKBERRY HAVE Evolved the smartphone.
00:06:47Blackberry torchnow just $99.99.
00:06:49Only from at&t.rethink possible.
00:06:52family together, we always make time for just us cousins.
00:06:55Like the other night at olive garden.
00:06:58Hey susan, you gotta tell the aunt jessie story again.
00:07:00-Yes, you do!
00:07:01-Ok, ok.
00:07:02Joe: Lolove that story.
00:07:03Try olive garden's two new scaloppini dishes.
00:07:06Pan-seared chicken breasts in a lemon-herb glaze.
00:07:09Or sauteed pork in a creamy white wine sauce.
00:07:11Both served with asiago filled tortelloni.
00:07:14With our unlimited salad and breadsticks.
00:07:16This is like being back at the kids' table.
00:07:19[ Laughter ] when you're here, you're family.
00:07:38cool one.
00:07:39I like having fun -- but I alne.
00:07:42We used one just last night.
00:07:44It was awesome.
00:07:45Knowing you're safe makes it even more pleasurable.
00:07:48Hey, the guys on my team, we'll share the ..
00:07:51For like a month at a time.
00:07:53If you care about me, you're gonna use one.
00:07:56Wanna go homewith me tonight?
00:07:57I'm the designateddriver!
00:07:59Thank you designated drivers.
00:08:01- Thank you! - thank you! - thank you!
00:08:37WOMAN: Yes, he did.
00:08:41MAN: Yes, he did. What was the interest rate you got?
00:08:43WOMAN: that's disgusting.
00:08:46[Radio stops] [RINGTONE] ♪♪ Hello, My name is Dr. Greenthumb ♪♪
00:08:54♪♪ I'd like to-- ♪♪
00:08:56Hello? ANGIE: Hello.
00:08:59Hey, Angie, what's happening?
00:09:01Hey, I just talked to my mom, and they are so excitedthat you're coming for dinner.
00:09:05I mean, like, so excited. And so am I.
00:09:07But we're all really excited. Thank you so much.
00:09:09No problem. I'm psyched too. It's gonna be awesome.
00:09:11Couscous. The food so nice, they named it twice.
00:09:14[Angie laughs] Um, Dale, anyway, look,I can't wait for next year when this is over. I mean-- Oh, damn. I see the guy I gotta serve. I'll call you back.
00:09:23Darn cops. Snap.
00:09:26[♪♪♪♪♪♪] [WHISPERS] Jesus.
00:09:37[NORMAL VOICE] What an adorable little cop.
00:09:46[Gunshot] Jesus. Farrow.
00:09:51What was that?
00:09:52Oh, snap.
00:09:55Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude.
00:09:57Oh, no!
00:10:00[Coughing] Drive, drive. Who the freak is that?
00:10:13I don't know, but I ain't waiting to see.
00:10:16[Tires squealing] [smashing cars] [screams] I saw brains and blood! I saw brains and blood!
00:10:34[Sniffs] Pineapple Express.
00:10:42DALE: Oh, my Godod! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
00:10:46I saw brains and blood!
00:10:49Come on! Come on!
00:10:50Where do I go?!
00:10:52[Intercom buzzing] [groans] [indistinct voiceson tv] [gargles] Hello?
00:11:09Saul, it's Dale. Let me in. Let me in. Let me in.
00:11:10I just saw some crazy stuff. Let me in, please.
00:11:11Let me in.
00:11:12It's Dale Denton. Let me in, man.
00:11:16Yes, Dale. That's what I said. It's Dale.
00:11:17Dale. Let me in.
00:11:18Oh, all right, man. Come on up.
00:11:20[Door buzzes] [buzzes]