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Aired at 04:00 PM on Wednesday, Mar 03, 2010 (3/3/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country." [growls] [funky music] ♪ ♪
00:00:24There's certain questions the government doesn't want you to ask.
00:00:29We know where garlic powder comes from.
00:00:31We know where chili powder comes from, my friends.
00:00:35But government doesn't want us to know where baby powder comes from.
00:00:43The government doesn't want you to know this, but elbow meat-- elbow meat is the exact same texture as a 67-year-old woman's nipple.
00:00:58The government doesn't want you to know.
00:01:00There are 14-year-old boys across the country who would be up all night playing with their elbows.
00:01:07The government doesn't want you to know this, but the sea turtle has now been officially removed from the endangered species list.
00:01:15So if you're down at the beach and you see one of the little lovable creatures flop up onto shore, feel free to kick the crap out of it.
00:01:30Yes, I knew it.
00:01:34It's true.
00:01:36Yes, I know.
00:01:37It's true.
00:01:38>> Help! Help!
00:01:40Help me!
00:01:41Help me, please!
00:01:43Please, please!
00:01:44Help me! Help me!
00:01:46I know!
00:01:47I know!
00:01:48They know I know.
00:01:49It's in the corn.
00:01:51The corn.
00:01:52It's the corn.
00:01:53It's in the corn.
00:01:54>> Calm yourself.
00:01:55Hey, hey, wait a minute.
00:01:58Where are you taking that man?
00:02:02Hey, hey!
00:02:03Hey, what did you mean about the corn?
00:02:06The c-- >> Remember, corn on the cob, it's our biggest secret against government conspirators, and it's considered code red.
00:02:27But the most important thing is that absolutely no one outside of this room learns of the experiment that will take place in Cubicle 9.
00:02:35Come on, now, won't you, hey?
00:02:37>> [whispering] "Come on, now, won't you, hey?" You ever notice on an elevator there's no 13th floor?
00:02:52Well, don't worry, folks.
00:02:53I've done a lot of research, and I've figured it out.
00:02:56The 13th floor is on the 14th floor.
00:02:59The government doesn't want you to know.
00:03:02Come--come--come, now.
00:03:10[Muzak playing] Beautiful day, isn't it, people?
00:03:16Morning, Giselle.
00:03:18Hey, Kim Wong Ching Fat.
00:03:21Fig Larry.
00:03:25What's the matter with you people?
00:03:27Doesn't anybody communicate anymore?
00:03:30How do you know things?
00:03:31The government's keeping secrets.
00:03:34For example, you ever notice there's no 13th floor on the elevator?
00:03:38Well, I know where it is.
00:03:39It's right here on the 14th floor.
00:03:45Look, everybody, look!
00:03:49I--I told you.
00:03:54Elevators are fun.
00:03:55You ever do this on an elevator, though?
00:03:57You've been all rude on the elevator.
00:04:00You've been in this situation.
00:04:01You're standing in the elevator.
00:04:03The doors start to close.
00:04:04You're all ready to go up to your little floor.
00:04:07There they go.
00:04:08They're closing.
00:04:09And all of a sudden, here comes that one guy running through the lobby of the hotel.
00:04:14Wait, hold the door.
00:04:16Hold the door!" And you're in the elevator, and you pretend to push the door open button.
00:04:22You're like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." >> male announcer: Don't go away.
00:04:38Pulp Comicswill be right back.
00:07:27>> announcer: We're back with more of Harland Williams here onPulp Comics.
00:07:34>> Gardening stores and hardware stores sell manure for $12 a bag.
00:07:43The government doesn't want you to know this, but if you were to ask your friends and family real nicely, they'd probably come over to your house and crap on your lawn for free.
00:07:57[cheers and applause] Come on, come on, now, hey!
00:08:05[dramatic music] ♪ ♪
00:08:17>> It's in the corn!
00:08:18>> The corn on the cob, it's our biggest secret against government conspirators.
00:08:22>> It's in the corn!
00:08:25>> I don't know if there's any students here tonight, but I'm a little bit upset about something I saw on the news this week.
00:08:32The president was on TV, said there's an education problem here in America, went on to say that 60% of all Americans cannot find Germany on a map of the world--60%.
00:08:45And I say to the president, I say, "Hey, listen here, Mr. Carter.
00:08:56So what if 60% don't know where Germany is?
00:08:59What about the other 85% that do know where it is, huh?" Why the hell should we care about those Germans after what they did to us back in Pearl Harbor there in '73, those little leather-short-wearin', Halls-mentholyptus-eatin', sweet-and-sour-spare-rib-lovin', Pippi-Longstocking's-got- a-little-freckly-ass-suckin' bastards?
00:09:23[cheers and applause] >> [whispers] Rodney.
00:09:42Hey, Rodney, I saw it, man.
00:09:45The 13th floor.
00:09:50Government does have secrets.
00:09:55What's the matter with you?
00:09:56You haven't said anything in five years.
00:09:58Don't you have any thoughts?
00:10:01Don't you have any emotions?
00:10:03You ever feel sadness?
00:10:08Knock, knock.
00:10:09>> Who's there?
00:10:10>> Lettuce.
00:10:12>> Lettuce who?
00:10:14>> Lettuce in.
00:10:15It's cold outside.
00:10:17[chuckles] What's the matter with you?
00:10:26Are you cracked out on grilled cheese sandwiches, man?
00:10:29Don't you feel anything?
00:10:33>> Ouch.
00:10:35>> Attention, Rodney.
00:10:36Please come to Cubicle 9.
00:10:43>> No, Rodney, no, come back!
00:10:44>> Attention, Harland.
00:10:46Please return to work.
00:10:47No talking and no looking in the top-secret door.
00:10:51>> No.
00:10:57[screaming] Old people's bathwater is not bathwater.
00:11:06It's soup.
00:11:09That's where soup comes from.
00:11:13The government doesn't want you to know.
00:11:18[screaming] What's with that little Pillsbury dough boy?
00:11:28Have you seen that little yeasty freak with his little baker's hat and his little stubby feet?
00:11:33He hasn't even got feet.
00:11:35He's got nubs, for cryin' out loud.
00:11:37All he ever talks about is baked goods.
00:11:40You hear him?
00:11:41He's like, "Nothin' says lovin' like a good old-fashioned cinnamon roll." [giggles] [cheers and applause] Doesn't he get off on anything else in life but baked goods?
00:11:54Just once, I'd love to turn on the TV and hear him say, "Nothin' says lovin' like a good old-fashioned 69 position." [giggles] [cheers and applause] God, I'd love to see the Pillsbury dough boy and Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, in a 69er, wouldn't you?
00:12:17Oh, yeah, God.
00:12:20That would have to be the softest place on Earth right there, wouldn't it?
00:12:26This is a question the government doesn't want you to ask.
00:12:30If the Pillsbury dough boy or any member of his family caught a yeast infection, how the hell would you know?
00:12:41>> announcer: Stick around.
00:12:42After the break, Harland Williams gets corn-fed.
00:13:46you insurance.
00:13:47 it looks like you guys haveverything.
00:13:50We sure do -- we help millions of people save.
00:13:52Look -- we're number one in motorcycle insurance, a leader in boat and rv, and -- oh, wait, let me guess.
00:14:01You're the number-one truck insurer.
00:14:03Wow, first guess!
00:14:03Nailed it.
00:14:05Oh, you're psychic!
00:14:07What am I thinking of right now?
00:14:10Helping you save money no matter what you drive.
00:14:13Call or click today.
00:16:08Hi Hi ♪(whistling tune) ♪("Don't worry be happy")♪
00:16:32>> announcer: You're watching Pulp Comicshere at Comedy Central.
00:16:37>> Fossil fuel was left behind for us by the passing of the dinosaurs.
00:16:43When all the fossil fuel is used up, what's left?
00:16:47The government doesn't want you to know this, but all graveyards and cemeteries are owned by the big oil companies.
00:16:55[suspenseful music] ♪ ♪
00:17:05Sorry, fellas.
00:17:06>> That's okay.
00:17:07Listen, do you know the way to Mount Pleasant Cemetery?
00:17:10>> Mount Pleasant Cemetery?
00:17:13What do you guys want to go up there for?
00:17:15You're oil rig workers.
00:17:17You going to a funeral?
00:17:20>> Maybe.
00:17:23>> Maybe?
00:17:32[door rattles] Who are you?
00:17:37>> I'm Rodney.
00:17:38>> You're not Rodney.
00:17:40The real Rodney has a pencil in his head, and you don't.
00:17:46>> Ouch.
00:17:50>> [screams] >> Harland, please report to Cubicle 9.
00:17:53Harland to Cubicle 9.
00:17:55Harland, report to Cubicle 9.
00:17:58Harland to Cubicle 9.
00:18:02The government doesn't want you to know this, but wrinkle cream doesn't work.
00:18:07Take it from me.
00:18:08I've been using it for three years.
00:18:10My balls still look like raisins.
00:18:15[cheers and applause] Great, big, hairy raisins, the kind you find at the bottom of the sea.
00:18:28Come on, now, won't you, now, hey?
00:18:32Ikea is a Swedish word meaning, "The odds of you putting this crappy piece of furniture together the first time is 101 million." Come on, now, hey, furniture lovers, hey?
00:18:48[cheers and applause] Count Chocula is the only vampire in the world to have buck teeth.
00:19:02The government doesn't want you to know, but that's why he created his own cereal.
00:19:07It's the only thing he can digest.
00:19:09Come on, come on, come on, now, Booberry and Frankenberry, hey.
00:19:16The government doesn't want you to know this, but the hair clog in Kenny G.'s shower is 17 feet long.
00:19:25The government doesn't want you to know this stuff.
00:19:27Come on, folks.
00:19:28They're keeping secrets.
00:19:30They don't want you to know.
00:19:32Open your eyes and your ears, and come on, now, won't you, hey?
00:19:36[crowd booing] Everybody, the government doesn't want you to know.
00:19:39The government-- >> Where'd you get this info?
00:19:45>> You know where I got it.
00:19:47Don't play dumb with me, conch shell ass.
00:19:50You guys are all part of this, all of you, every one of you.
00:19:53When are you going to tell the truth?
00:19:55>> We have no idea what you're talking about.
00:19:57>> You son of a bitch.
00:19:59You want to party with me?
00:20:01All right.
00:20:02Let's party.
00:20:03What's two plus two?
00:20:05>> It's four.
00:20:06>> Three plus three.
00:20:07>> Six.
00:20:08>> The hair clog in Kenny G.'s bathtub.
00:20:10>> 16 feet long.
00:20:12>> That's Michael Bolton.
00:20:14>> 17 feet long.
00:20:15>> Ha! Got ya!
00:20:18[punches thudding] smack!
00:20:37>> Go to sleep, buddy boy.
00:20:39>> [moaning] Oh, baby.
00:20:41Baby, grilled cheese sandwich floating on the french toast master.
00:20:45The onion rings are flying around the lasagna baby.
00:20:51The corn!
00:20:53It's in the corn!
00:20:54The corn!
00:20:56[panting] There's a little baby werewolf.
00:21:00>> announcer: Harland Williams will be right back here onPulp Comics.
00:23:35>> announcer: You're watching Harland Williams onPulp Comics here at Comedy Central.
00:23:40>> Man, I got a new car-- well, not a new car.
00:23:43I got a new old car, and I'm scared to drive the damn thing 'cause all you hear about nowadays is how the air bags are saving everybody's lives.
00:23:52I got no air bag in my old hunk of junk, so this is what I did.
00:23:55I went over to Dunkin' Donuts.
00:23:57I bought a great, big, puffy, jelly doughnut.
00:24:00I stuck it to my steering wheel.
00:24:03Some idiot hit me from behind.
00:24:06My head goes forward.
00:24:08He thinks my head blew up.
00:24:21I come stumbling out of the car.
00:24:23I got raspberry jelly dripping down my face.
00:24:26I'm like, "Ahhhh.
00:24:31Ahh, ahh." He was outta there faster than Jeffrey Dahmer in a Victoria's Secret runway parlor, baby.
00:24:50Hey, speaking of driving, how many of you folks, when you're driving through the country with your loved one, try to time your farts with the smell of cow manure?
00:25:03Does anyone even go to church anymore?
00:25:05I'm there every Sunday.
00:25:07I haven't seen you people.
00:25:08[cheers and applause] I love going to church.
00:25:14Every Sunday, I'm there.
00:25:15The only thing I don't like about it, those priests sure do like to talk, don't they?
00:25:19Oh, they love to talk and talk, and they don't like it when you talk in church, do they?
00:25:25Oh, no, they don't like that action.
00:25:28Like, last Sunday, I'm in church.
00:25:30Priest is blabbing away.
00:25:31It's just a little tiny quiet spot in his sermon, just a little, little tiny spot.
00:25:37I stood up in the middle of the church, and all I said was, "Hey!
00:25:43I smell ass!" Come on, now, won't you, hey?
00:25:56Government would never allow this.
00:25:59If pop star, pop diva Deborah Harry from Blondie got together with first lady Barbara Bush and tried to put a cop show on NBC, they'd have to call it "Harry [bleep]." [shudders] Hey!
00:26:40Hey, you!
00:26:42What happened?
00:26:44Where is everybody?
00:26:47>> There's nobody here.
00:26:50There's never been anyone here.
00:26:52>> What are you talking about?
00:26:54Who are you?
00:26:59Is that you?
00:27:02>> You look tired, son.
00:27:04>> I am tired.
00:27:07I don't know what's what anymore.
00:27:09I'm real tired.
00:27:11>> You want to go and get a coffee, some doughnuts?
00:27:16Fresh corn on the cob.
00:27:18>> Hey, doughnut and coffee sound pretty good.
00:27:21Yeah, let's go.
00:27:24[mop handle clacks] Hey, how's the family, Rodney?
00:27:28>> Oh, we went to the zoo.
00:27:31>> Lots of animals there?
00:27:33>> I met some of my family there.
00:27:40Come on...now...
00:27:44why don't cha...hey?
00:27:58Come on, hey?