Robert Klein: It All Started Here   View more episodes

Aired at 09:30 AM on Tuesday, Apr 19, 2011 (4/19/2011)      View all transcripts from this day


00:01:10Robert Klein: According to jane goodall and others, there are chimpanzees in the wild, in africa, that do not smoke cigars and wear tuxedos.
00:01:22Let's say someone were about to murder you, that's ridiculous, I know, statistically, but someone were about, something horrible, like, the best thing you could possibly do would be to go: ( high-pitched singing ) "Will the jew who ordered "the kosher meal " "are you the jew, sir ?
00:01:46"Sorry, you had a beard, "your nose was-- "i thought maybe "you were a jew.
00:01:49"Are you the jew, sir ?
00:01:51"Thank goodness, sir.
00:01:52" oh, frog's legs ?
00:02:01Tastes like chicken !
00:02:03Alligator meat ?
00:02:05They have the freshest alligator meat-- tastes like chicken.
00:02:08Rattlesnake steak ?
00:02:10.. like chicken !
00:02:15" chicken !
00:02:23Occasionally, if there's a cigarette butt in the urinal, I will aim for it and pretend it's a nazi installation.
00:02:40How much time we got ?
00:02:41man: 15 MINUTES, MR. KLEIN.
00:02:43Robert: Thank you, jimmy.
00:02:45Jimmy: Break a leg !
00:02:46( loud crash and scream ) Robert: I don't wear makeup all the time, just for television.
00:02:52woman: YES, HE DOES.
00:02:53Robert: You wanna do this show ?
00:02:55It's a bitch.
00:02:57OH YEAH, 20th ANNIVERSARY.
00:03:00When I started,hbo was tiny, little-- nobody knew what it was.
00:03:04"Hibbo," people said.
00:03:05" man: YOU'VE INFLUENCED A lot of comedians.
00:03:09Robert: Oh, practically a legend, I hate to be un-modest, but I have certainly influenced a lot, I wrote a lot of things that have since been, you know, "hey, you guys have been great, " at the end of the set, that was my idea.
00:03:211969, Hungry eye, you know, " that was mine.
00:03:27It was to warm up, to get closer to people.
00:03:29Been pretty innovative.
00:03:31" that was mine.
00:03:33man: EXCUSE ME, THEY'RE READY For you now, mr. klein.
00:03:35Robert: "Ready for you now," they used to say, " until I wrote that, 19-- mr. kelly, chicago.
00:03:40And especially the peace sign, that was my innovation.
00:03:44" I did that one in kansas city.
00:03:49announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Please welcome, in his 6thHOME BOX OFFICESPECIAL, Captioning made possible byCOMEDY CENTRAL Robert: Thank you very much.
00:04:2520Th anniversary of the firsthboshow.
00:04:29I grew up in this organization, look at that.
00:04:40Is it nice to be compared to when you were not a vegetable ?
00:04:44Not a mess of cellulite and fatigue ?
00:04:48Look, already I was parting the hair on the side a little, like sam nunn, you know ?
00:04:55I was cheating already with the swept forward.
00:04:58Now there's little to work with, there's a little fuzz here, I'm developing a nice friar tuck, horseshoe baldness, I don't know whether to go to a monastery or have a transplant.
00:05:0815,000, They'll take hair from here, they told me, put it here.
00:05:12Like donor hair, like farming, literally.
00:05:14Literally, taking from here, planting here, like farming.
00:05:21And it's your own hair for the rest of your life.
00:05:23Now the government will pay me 20,000 not to grow here and I can even do better if I alternate hair, carrots, hair, carrots.
00:05:33Minoxidil, $85 a month for fuzz, I never heard the word "hair" associated with it.
00:05:41"Oh dad, definitely "have some fuzz, "there's fuzz, "there's definitely fuzz, " smash a peach onto your head, you're better off.
00:05:49It's a high-blood-pressure drug that they happened to notice grew hair on an unfortunate lady in minneapolis who experienced the werewolf syndrome, nelson, very blonde hair growing out of her eyeballs, I mean, everywhere.
00:06:06So people began rubbing this crap and the blood pressure went to nothing.
00:06:10They had to keep on squeezing their thigh every minute and 1/2 to live.
00:06:15And, also, it stops, I mean, I heard the hair falls out-- the fuzz falls out, immediately you stop using it, which is pretty cruel planned obsolescence, better than anythinggeneral motors ever did.
00:06:27You stop paying the money, the hair goes, " and, zoom, goes back to the hair heaven.
00:06:34Sy sperling,hair club for men, I'm listening to a man, I'm watching, there's something wrong.
00:06:42And he says, "i'm not only the president ofhair club for men," his ace in the hole, he takes out an 8 x 10 of himself bald in which he looks 100 times better, like a mensch, like a john glenn, like you, like you.
00:06:55Right ?
00:06:57And he goes, " and this is a surprise ?
00:07:02The man's talking to you for a minute and 1/2 with an arugula on his head.
00:07:07You know, combs his hair with vinaigrette in the morning, this guy.
00:08:02The chill of peppermint.
00:08:06The rich dark chocolate.
00:08:09York peppermint patty.
00:08:11Get the sensation.
00:11:14Robert: I'm 53, I'm in decent shape, I have a trainer, comes three times a week, german, he chases me with a german shepherd, " and I run and lose that weight, dripping off me.
00:11:26I was 220, I'm down to 202.
00:11:35But I'm 53 and somebody sent me in the mail anaarpcard.
00:11:42Whose business is it ?
00:11:46Who told them ?
00:11:48Who needs anaarpcard ?
00:11:49I don't wanna see this stuff yet !
00:11:52I'll get there, I'll get there, american association of retired people.
00:11:57Whose business in it, probably like a shmuck, I filled out a form at atom McCann25 years ago.
00:12:04And the computer knows, "send him this stuff now, "he's 53, don't send him "the car seats, "don't send him "young people stuff, "send him varicose-vein "information, "send him burial plots !
00:12:16"Send himdepends "wholesaling information, "send him memory courses, " I took that magazine, theaarp, a big, thick magazine, I put it next to the toilet with thehammacher schlemmer catalog andthe land's end, I mean, you know, don't they know when they print those, they all wind up next to the crapper ?
00:12:40I don't think I've ever read one of those catalogs when I wasn't in the process of moving my bowels, as far as I can remember.
00:12:46Maybe on a plane I had one with me and reverse pavlov took over, I read the thing and I have to move my bowels !
00:12:56"This kayak'll get you "through the grade 10 rapids " you know, I just went and I don't understand it.
00:13:04"The poplar, " you know, I don't know what it is, maybe it's gas.
00:13:12"Open your garage door "from yonkers "and kill all rodents "with this whistle " aarp,discounts, how about the early bird special ?
00:13:24I can get the best lobster in fort lauderdale with myaarpcard for $6 if I'm willing to eat it at 8:30 in the morning.
00:13:4200, before the full pop people come.
00:13:45They don't like to depress them.
00:13:4630, "you are one of the early birds, "please take your bib, " burial thing, you know, my parents have since gone, they had good, full lives.
00:13:57But that's an expense and, really, they hated-- the thought of money-- you ever see that pathetic commercial ?
00:14:03"Yes, martha, I always "took care of you, "that's why I got that "extra insurance when dad died," you know, $500, enough to cover the embalming fluid if they're gentiles.
00:14:13You know, it's like $8,000 or something for a funeral.
00:14:18And, you know, they have these little ways of getting around the system, theneptune society advertised for 1,500, I think they cremate you for an extra three, if you buy the fire package.
00:14:29It's like buying a car, you know ?
00:14:31And then the urn package, which comes-- they take you out to rockaway and drop you off in the wind with a couple of sea cadets.
00:14:38( whistling ) You know, "gone to the sea--" if you're jewish, the sea cadets wear yarmulkes to accommodate any religion, kosher snacks.
00:14:48( whistling ) The budget, $250.
00:14:53They drop you off the triborough bridge, the cops pick you up in a launch, take you to potter's field.
00:14:58I asked my father when he was very ill, who was very funny too, and I said, "what would be " and he said, "my preference ?
00:15:06"My preference would be "not to need one, " and my mother said, "don't spend a lot of money " it infuriated her.
00:15:14Infuriated that you would spend-- "what, are you gonna "use it again ?
00:15:18" you know, the orthodox jews, they have a pine box, very simple and unsubstantial, kind of creaks and groans and bends, you know, with slats like asunkistcrate.
00:15:30You know, not good, an arm could swing out, smack a pallbearer right in the face.
00:15:35You don't want that sort of thing happening.
00:15:38It's an apt burial for a grapefruit, but not for my mother.
00:15:42So we decided to go a little better, you know what I mean ?
00:15:45And they pulled the bait and switch, "no, we don't have "that one for 1,500, "i'm sorry, we don't have "that one for 2,000.
00:15:51"No, I'm sorry, the 3,500, "we're out.
00:15:53"How do you like that, "the 4,250 is gone !
00:15:55"We don't have the 5,650.
00:15:56"We have the 6,600 "with the 100-year guarantee.
00:16:00"I can get you the other one " I said, "fine, we'll put mother "in adairy queen "while we're waiting for you.
00:16:12"Don't you know "the essential thing about jews, "you imbecile ?
00:16:15" one of my favorite things about my race.
00:16:19" into the ground-o.
00:16:24We don't fool around-o.
00:16:26A jew dies, "zoom" like one motion !
00:16:29Dies, "zoom" right in the ground, there.
00:16:32A jew dies at noon, "call the relatives in phoenix, 00, " now there's an advantage-- my gentile friends, I've been to far too many wakes.
00:16:42I feel so sorry, five days, eight shows a day, like vaudeville.
00:16:51You know, the family needs a break !
00:16:55With the waxed-fruit look with the kids kissing it.
00:16:58"Look, she looks so wonderful," right, get the chemical out of her veins, get her into the ground immediately, let's start remembering her !
00:17:05That's the thing, we wanna start remembering, I don't know what the rationale, but there are many reasons why jews bury immediately.
00:17:11You know, "let's start "remembering you, "let's go on with our lives, "you're not as interesting " I mean, ayatollah khomeini died, they carried him aloft six weeks.
00:17:23( mournful singing ) AND BEATING THE ( bleep ) Out of themselves with birch rods, fascinating !
00:17:34And they weren't in a sauna, EITHER, BEATING THE ( bleep ) Out of themselves.
00:17:38Near death, I thought, "a few more of them die, " I have-- I have no apology to make for that, by the way, no cultural apologies.
00:17:52It's not the great persian people, it's people who use children as mine detectors !
00:17:57At least we used dogs in world war ii, " you know, it's better than someone's kid, right ?