Rodney Carrington: Live at the Majestic   View more episodes

Aired at 01:30 AM on Monday, Oct 11, 2010 (10/11/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00Adam and Eve had it easy.
00:00:01One man, one woman, one set of boobs, and one rule: don't eat the apple.
00:00:05Hell, I could have handled that.
00:00:07"Don't eat the apple, Rod." Fine. Anything else?
00:00:10"Don't put your weiner in her [bleep]." What if I put the apple in there?
00:00:24"As long as you don't eat it." You know, the reason you get married to somebody is 'cause you have fun with that person.
00:00:33"You're fun. I like you.
00:00:34"We're fun.
00:00:34We have fun together.
00:00:36Let's get married." You get married, she gets pregnant, and fun starts packing its [bleep].
00:00:41"Where you going, fun?" "Nowhere.
00:00:43Just kind of getting some stuff together." Then one day, fun just goes, "[bleep]," takes off.
00:00:47You're like, "Come back, fun!" He's like, "[bleep] you, married guy!" [sighs unhappily] [bleep].
00:00:56Then it's you and her and complacency.
00:00:59Complacency sets in.
00:01:00You don't give a damn.
00:01:01You let your bodies go.
00:01:02"Give me three cheeseburgers and four donuts.
00:01:04"I don't give a [bleep] anymore.
00:01:06"And she'll have the same.
00:01:08She's married too." And the quickest way to fall back in love with your wife is just look at yourself naked in the mirror after you get out of the shower.
00:01:19Oh, thank God I'm married.
00:01:20I wouldn't stand a [bleep] chance right now.
00:01:24I can't even seen my little [bleep] unless we meet halfway.
00:01:28Hi, little fella.
00:01:29[in high-pitched voice] Hi, Rodney.
00:01:33It changes.
00:01:33Her boobs are longer.
00:01:34They're always looking down, unless she's laying down.
00:01:37Then they're looking that way and that way, unless I grab one of 'em and go, "Look at me when I'm looking at you." She farts now.
00:01:53She used to never fart.
00:01:54I thought, "This woman is perfect.
00:01:56Never farts." Not anymore.
00:01:58Three kids later, it's like Tarzan blowing into a conch shell.
00:02:01[makes tooting sound] Dogs run up to the window like they're being called.
00:02:07Ruff, ruff, ruff!
00:02:09There's a zebra in our backyard.
00:02:12She got in the truck the other night when we left this restaurant, and she pooted, and I swear to God, her ass went, "Squirrrrrel." And she turned on the radio like nothing happened.
00:02:25I said, "I think your ass just said a word." She said, "No." "No, God damn, it said 'squirrel.' I heard it." She got to laughing so hard she pooted again.
00:02:38And the kids were in the back, bitchin'.
00:02:40"Tell her to stop, Daddy.
00:02:41It stinks back here." I said, "I can't help it your mama's a farm animal.
00:02:50You just got to love her, just like I do." We're gonna sing some songs for you tonight.
00:05:14[cheers and applause] Yeah, buddy.
00:05:17Before we do, though, I would like to bring out my good friend, my piano player.
00:05:21Would you put your hands together for Mr. Bob Hogan?
00:05:25[cheers and applause] [wistful guitar music] ♪ ♪
00:05:40♪ Mmm-mm. ♪
00:05:43♪ Darlin', when we met, ♪
00:05:45♪ you were a pretty little thing, ♪
00:05:48♪ but your body started changing ♪
00:05:51♪ when I gave you that ring. ♪
00:05:57♪ You're supersizing. ♪
00:06:00♪ No exercising. ♪
00:06:02♪ Good-bye, working out. ♪
00:06:05♪ A-double meat with cheese. ♪
00:06:07♪ Another helping, please. ♪
00:06:08♪ Baby, that's what you're all about. ♪
00:06:12♪ I pick you up in my pickup truck, ♪
00:06:15♪ but you had to ride in the back. ♪
00:06:19♪ I stopped off at the Sonic burger. ♪
00:06:22♪ You ate everything in my sack. ♪
00:06:25♪ Darlin', please, ♪
00:06:26♪ won't you please think of me? ♪
00:06:30♪ I'd love to have my baby back. ♪
00:06:33♪ My baby back. ♪
00:06:35♪ My baby back. ♪
00:06:38♪ Six months have passed, and you've gained 50 pounds, ♪
00:06:41♪ and I confess, you've got a real big rack. ♪
00:06:44♪ But the bad part is, when I give you a hug, ♪
00:06:48♪ you got two more on your back. ♪
00:06:51♪ You're supersizing. ♪
00:06:54♪ No exercising. ♪
00:06:55♪ Good-bye, working out. ♪
00:06:58♪ A-double meat with cheese. ♪
00:06:59♪ Another helping, please. ♪
00:07:01♪ Baby, that's what you're all about. ♪
00:07:05♪ I played football wi ♪ and you were all-time quarterback. ♪
00:07:12♪ But none of us could ever tackle you, ♪
00:07:14♪ 'cause you're built like a lumberjack. ♪
00:07:17♪ Darlin', please, ♪
00:07:19♪ won't you please think of me? ♪
00:07:23♪ I'd love to have my baby back. ♪
00:07:25(Bob) ♪ Baby back. ♪
00:07:26(Rodney) ♪ Put down the ribs. ♪
00:07:27(Bob) ♪ Baby back. ♪
00:07:28(Rodney) ♪ My baby back. ♪
00:07:29(Bob) ♪ Baby back. ♪
00:07:30♪ Baby, come back to me, yeah. ♪
00:07:37[cheers and applause] How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?
00:07:45[cheers] Some of you are out there going, "Shut up, [bleep]!
00:07:50She's sittin' right next to me." If you laughed at that, you're in trouble.
00:08:02I went home with a fat girl once a bunch of times.
00:08:09And I loved every one of 'em.
00:08:11I went home with this 43-year-old nurse when I was in college.
00:08:14I was 21.
00:08:15She was a biggun, but she was fun.
00:08:18We got back to my place, and she gave me a penicillin shot 'fore we did anything, which I thought was really nice of her.
00:08:25A lot of woman won't tell you there's something down there that'll get you, but this old gal had a heart, and she cared about people.
00:08:33I think she's a hospice nurse or something.
00:08:38All those memories.
00:08:40[soft piano music] ♪ Memories... ♪
00:08:44♪ like the corners of my mind. ♪
00:08:50♪ Misty watercolor memories. ♪
00:08:54♪ That's the way we were. ♪
00:08:58♪ Scattered pictures ♪
00:09:00♪ of the times that we once shared, ♪
00:09:03♪ love we gave to one another. ♪
00:09:06♪ That's the way we were. ♪
00:09:09I'll never forget her.
00:09:10She laid down on that bed and whipped back that comforter and said, "Get after it." Knocked the [bleep] out of that comforter.
00:09:24I was so drunk, I didn't know what I had ahold of.
00:09:28Then I jumped on top of her, and I couldn't touch the mattress with either hand.
00:09:31I had to kind of balance myself up there.
00:09:34And she was patting me on the back like she was burping a baby, and I burped once, and I think I pooted twice.
00:09:40She said, "You're cute.
00:09:41You're not anywhere near the hole, but you're cute." I said, "Well, you got too many choices down here, Sally.
00:09:49You give me a minute, and I'ma find me one I like." And I did.
00:09:56♪ Put your clothes back on. ♪
00:09:58♪ I'd rather be alone. ♪
00:10:02♪ Your thing is all worn-out now. ♪
00:10:05♪ Get on home. ♪
00:10:08♪ You've had too many lovers. ♪
00:10:09♪ They've worn off the hair. ♪
00:10:10♪ There ain't no way I'm going in there. ♪
00:10:13♪ Put your clothes on and get on home. ♪
00:10:18♪ I should have never gone out. ♪
00:10:21♪ I should have never had a drink. ♪
00:10:25♪ Take that thing outside. ♪
00:10:27♪ It's starting to stink. ♪
00:10:30♪ Your friends done told me where you have been, ♪
00:10:32♪ and I feel sorry for all those men. ♪
00:10:35♪ Put your clothes back on, baby, ♪
00:10:38♪ and get on home. ♪
00:10:41♪ Yeah, get that thing away from me. ♪
00:10:43♪ It looks like something your dog would eat. ♪
00:10:46♪ I've seen enough.
00:10:47Now set me free. ♪
00:10:48♪ I think that thing just barked at me. ♪
00:10:52(both) Ruff!
00:10:53♪ Early this morning, it bit my leg. ♪
00:10:54♪ Oh, little darlin', don't you make-a me beg. ♪
00:10:57♪ Put your clothes back on and get on home. ♪
00:11:02♪ Oh, [bleep], I'm scared. ♪
00:11:04♪ I need medical care. ♪
00:11:08♪ I think three midgets just crawled out of there. ♪
00:11:12♪ ♪
00:11:13♪ Well, I was fine before you came. ♪
00:11:16♪ Would you throw something over that pitiful thing? ♪
00:11:18♪ Baby, put your clothes back on and get on home. ♪
00:11:23♪ Yeah, put your clothes on, ♪
00:11:26♪ and get your booty back home. ♪
00:11:29♪ Go on. ♪
00:11:31[cheers and applause] (women) We love you, Rodney!
00:15:09I love you.
00:15:11[laughter] I mean, I don't know if I love you, but you sound like someone I could love...
00:15:20drunk and horny.
00:15:23And I love that.
00:15:24[reflective guitar and piano music] ♪ Oh, it seems to me, ♪
00:15:28♪ this whole world's gone crazy. ♪
00:15:32♪ There's too much hate and killing going on. ♪
00:15:38♪ But when I see the bare chest of a woman, ♪
00:15:43♪ my worries and my problems are all gone. ♪
00:15:48♪ No one thinks of fightin' when they see a topless girl. ♪
00:15:54♪ Maybe if you would show yours too, ♪
00:15:57♪ we could save the world. ♪
00:16:02[laughter] ♪ Show them to me. ♪
00:16:08♪ Show them to me. ♪
00:16:11♪ Unclasp your bra and set those puppies free. ♪
00:16:15♪ They'd look a whole lot better without that sweater. ♪
00:16:19♪ Baby, I'm sure you'll agree. ♪
00:16:22♪ Baby, you got two funbags. ♪
00:16:27God bless you, woman.
00:16:30♪ Show them to me. ♪
00:16:33♪ ♪
00:16:35♪ I don't care if they don't match ♪
00:16:38♪ or one's bigger than the other. ♪
00:16:42♪ You can show me one, and I'll imagine the other. ♪
00:16:47♪ Even if you're really old, there's nothing wrong. ♪
00:16:53♪ Don't be sad. ♪
00:16:54♪ Your boobs ain't bad. ♪
00:16:55♪ They're just a little long. ♪
00:16:57♪ Show them to me. ♪
00:17:00♪ Show them to me. ♪
00:17:03♪ Lift up your shirt and let the whole world see. ♪
00:17:09♪ Just disrobe, show your globes, ♪
00:17:12♪ and a happy man I'll be. ♪
00:17:14♪ If you gotdos chi-chis-- ♪
00:17:17which is Spanish for "two titties," and I think we just saw two Spanish titties-- ♪ show them to me. ♪
00:17:26♪ ♪
00:17:30♪ I've met a lot of them, but never one I've hated. ♪
00:17:35♪ Even if you've had 13 kids ♪
00:17:38♪ and you think they look deflated, ♪
00:17:40♪ there's no such thing as a bad breast. ♪
00:17:43♪ I believe this much is true. ♪
00:17:45♪ If you're a big, fat man, I'm a titty fan, ♪
00:17:48♪ and I'd love to see yours too. ♪
00:17:52[cheers and applause] [laughing] Oh.
00:18:06♪ Show them to me. ♪
00:18:09♪ Show them to me, ♪
00:18:12♪ just like theGirls Gone Wildon TV. ♪
00:18:18♪ Just lean back and show your rack, ♪
00:18:20♪ and I'll be in ecstasy. ♪
00:18:23♪ If you got two casabas, ♪
00:18:27♪ show them to me. ♪
00:18:32♪ Come on, baby, let me see. ♪
00:18:34♪ All the world will live in harmony. ♪
00:18:39♪ It'll do you good, and it'll give me wood. ♪
00:18:42♪ We'll make history. ♪
00:18:46♪ If you love your country... ♪
00:18:49[cheers and applause] ♪ I'm gonna sing it one more time. ♪
00:18:58♪ I said if you love your country... ♪
00:19:02Dallas, Texas, do you love your country?
00:19:07♪ Then stand your ass up ♪
00:19:08♪ and show them big, ol' titties to me-e-e. ♪
00:19:13♪ A-whoo-ooh-ooh. ♪
00:19:17[cheers and applause] My God.
00:19:22I'd like to shake your daddy's hand.
00:19:25[laughter] Them are damn nice.
00:19:28Thank you, sir, for providing those to this country.
00:19:30It's been a damn pleasure serving 'em.
00:19:34The rest of you ought to be ashamed of your damn selves.
00:19:38[laughter] There are men and women fighting across these seas for your [bleep]ing freedom, and you can't whip out a tit.
00:19:45[laughter and applause] You ought to all be shipped off.
00:19:53[chuckles] We were in Atlanta, Georgia, here a while back, and, boy, there are some patriotic woman down there.
00:19:59I'll tell you what.
00:20:00Titties are really important.
00:20:03Titties are really-- titties make you quiet.
00:20:05Titties make you go, [whispering] "Shh, there's some titties." [laughter] You know why?
00:20:13'Cause all your hunting instincts kick in.
00:20:15"Get down! There's some tits.
00:20:18"Shut up, [bleep].
00:20:19You're gonna scare 'em off." You start assessing the situation.
00:20:22You're like, "All right, how can I get close to those, possibly touch 'em, maybe lick 'em?" Then you realize you're in Sears with your family, and it's probably not going to happen.
00:20:32[laughter] ♪ Titties and beer. ♪
00:23:27[cheers and applause] ♪ Big old titties and beer. ♪
00:23:29(Bob) ♪ Titties and beer. ♪
00:23:31♪ I thank God almighty for titties and beer. ♪
00:23:35♪ Fat titties and beer. ♪
00:23:37♪ Huntin' two-legged deer. ♪
00:23:39(Bob) ♪ Tits and beer. ♪
00:23:40♪ Thank God I ain't queer. ♪
00:23:41(Bob) ♪ Bring 'em out here. ♪
00:23:43♪ There's one thing that he likes, ♪
00:23:46♪ and that's titties and beer. ♪
00:23:47♪ Big, fat tits and beer. ♪
00:23:49(both) ♪ Well, titties and beer. ♪
00:23:51♪ I said, "Great, big titties and my beer." ♪
00:23:55I love your big, fat titty!
00:23:58Come here, honey!
00:23:59Come here!
00:24:00Who's your daddy?
00:24:01(Rodney) Bobby!
00:24:04[cheers and applause] [laughter] That man is a deacon in his church.
00:24:25They don't know he does that.
00:24:27We wrote one for the girls.
00:24:29It goes, ♪ Wieners and wine. ♪
00:24:30(Bob) ♪ Weiners and wine. ♪
00:24:31(Rodney) ♪ Little weiners and wine. ♪
00:24:33(Bob) ♪ Aren't they fine? ♪
00:24:35♪ If you'd like a little weiner and wine, ♪
00:24:38♪ you can have some of mine. ♪
00:24:41♪ Little wieners are fun. ♪
00:24:44♪ I'll shove it into your bun. ♪
00:24:46[warningly] Bobby.
00:24:47♪ And I'll watch the juice run and I'll start to lick-- ♪
00:24:50Bob! Bobby!
00:24:54What are you-- [cheers and applause] [laughter] [cheers and applause] We'd love to do that song at your wedding, if you'd have us.