Sex Drive   View more episodes

Aired at 08:02 AM on Friday, Jul 05, 2013 (7/5/2013)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:11IAN: We open up against Michigan in two weeks.
00:00:12Coach's got me hitting the bench pretty hard.
00:00:20Shit. How much is a lot?
00:00:25One... No, two.
00:00:31I'm putting up three hundy.
00:00:43Well, let's see, Tasty.
00:00:49(Exhales) Wow!
00:00:57Wow, you're really pretty. I've never seen...
00:01:00No, stop it, stop it.
00:01:03Don't be so fucking desperate.
00:01:04Come on, be a dick. Be cool.
00:01:06MAN IMITATING VAN DAMME: Don't be a pussy.
00:01:10Tell her she's an ugly skank.
00:01:16Not bad.
00:01:18I've seen better.
00:01:23Yeah, whatever.
00:01:27Coach's got usrunning two-a-days, so I gotta bounce.
00:01:49(Blanket rustles) Miss Tasty? How did you get here?
00:02:02(Gasping) (groaning) (exclaims in disgust) (snoring) Ian, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20, so if you want a ride to work you better get your poop in a group.
00:03:26Okay, I'll be right down.
00:03:27No. Now, Clay Aiken.
00:03:32Ow! Cut it out.
00:03:33Hurts, doesn't it?
00:03:34Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.
00:03:36Hey, sorry, Big D. Just go back to sleep.
00:03:38You, get up.
00:03:41Give me a minute.
00:03:43What are you hiding?
00:03:44You got a big fattie under there, don't you?
00:03:45Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too.
00:03:47Oh! What the F?
00:03:49Good. My boys are all here.
00:03:52Dad, Ian's free... Can it, Rex.
00:03:54Your pop's got a bombshell to drop, so ears open.
00:03:56Last night, your old man popped the question.
00:04:00(Laughs) Show them, Karen.
00:04:04(Exclaiming) I'm so happy.
00:04:08(Laughs) Hey, way to go!
00:04:12Ian, you wanna get off your duff and come over here and give Karen a hug?
00:04:18Yeah, Ian, get up. You're being rude.
00:04:19Can we do that later?
00:04:21Damn it, Ian, get up...
00:04:23No, no, honey. It's okay.
00:04:25We have to give him time to get used to the idea.
00:04:30IAN'S DAD: Karen? rex: are you okay?
00:04:34ren? Karen, honey? You okay?
00:04:37mells like jizz?
00:04:38(Let's get it up playing on car radio) (honking) Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!
00:04:46(Engine revving) (laughs) on, get in. Get in!
00:05:04(Grunts) (rex laughing) REX: You suck!
00:05:11Okay, seriously. Quit being such a fag and get in.
00:05:17♪ Never go down ♪ So let's get it up ♪
00:05:23(Coughs) Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want a straight answer.
00:05:29You queer? What?
00:05:32God damn it! I knew it!
00:05:34I didn't say anything.
00:05:35Exactly. If someone asks you if you're a pole smoker, you just deny it, straight off.
00:05:39No pause, no farting around.
00:05:41Rex, I'm not gay.
00:05:42Ian, you're 18, and you've never had a girlfriend.
00:05:44That's how people wind up getting gay, you know.
00:05:47I don't think that's really how it happens.
00:05:50Is that not how it happens? So tell me how it happens, expert.
00:05:52Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.
00:05:54Hey, what do you like better, the shaft or the balls?
00:05:57That's gross. I don't know why you're talking about it.
00:05:59Look, every guy's got a fantasy about another guy, but you got to bury that shit way down.
00:06:03This is America, God damn it.
00:06:05There is...
00:06:07There is a girl that I've been kind of...
00:06:09All right, I'm listening.
00:06:11Where'd you meet her?
00:06:12On the... Online.
00:06:14(Tires squealing) What? For fuck's sake, Ian, don't you watch Dateline?
00:06:18She's probably a guy.
00:06:21Some fat old dude who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.
00:06:22But you'd love that, wouldn't you? 'Cause you're a homo.
00:06:35REX: Try not to come home any gayer than you are now.
00:06:39(Got you playing) ♪ Hey ♪ What's your favorite song?
00:06:54♪ Maybe we could hum along ♪ Well, I think you're smart, you sweet thing ♪ Tell me your name, I'm dying here ♪ Got you where I want you ♪ Yeah ♪
00:07:28(Sighs) Hey, Becca. How are you?
00:07:34I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.
00:07:37(CHUCKLING) Hey, Becca.
00:07:41Looks like you had a long, nasty night.
00:07:43Ron and Ian want the four-one- uno.
00:07:45Whatever. You guys are gross.
00:07:47I'm not gross. I didn't say anything.
00:07:49Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?
00:07:52No, Becca, I did it yesterday.
00:07:56Please, Ian.
00:07:58I love you so much.
00:08:01IAN: Hello. This is a coupon for six free...
00:08:04No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.
00:08:07Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen.
00:08:10You're welcome. Sorry.
00:08:12Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?
00:08:15It's just past the movie theater.
00:08:17Thanks, man.
00:08:22Yeah, real funny.
00:08:28Free donuts, free coupons.
00:08:31TIFFANY: Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?
00:08:44Well, you look nice.
00:08:48You know, sweetie, there's still time to have your boobs done before my wedding.
00:08:54Darren and I already discussed them, and he said he'd payor it.
00:08:56I mean, he's a dentist, so it's totally not a big deal.
00:08:59Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?
00:09:03Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?
00:09:05Oh, no. I was just hoping you could slit my wrists for me quickly.
00:09:07My husband killed himself last Christmas.
00:09:11I am so sorry. I was just...
00:09:15Hello. This is a coupon for six free donuts.
00:09:21Oh, my God!
00:09:24You look so hot in that.
00:09:28Hey, sweetheart, listen. Please don't take this the wrong way, but your whole trying too hard thing, it's just coming across as needy, you know?
00:09:36And I think you're better than that, Kimberly.
00:09:38But all I was saying was that...
00:09:41Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?
00:09:43I mean, Christ, I'm out buying him clothes right now.
00:09:46He's 18 years old.
00:09:48I don't have to do that shit anymore.
00:09:50Look, Jusorry, I'm losing you.
00:09:52I'm going into a tunnel.
00:09:54Well, it's official, Lance, your mom's still bat-shit crazy.
00:09:58What? You're telling me she doesn't shit-talk me?
00:10:02No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.
00:10:04All right. Let me give you some advice, Lance, all right?
00:10:07Don't ever get married.
00:10:10Just an endless parade of horseshit.
00:10:11And whatever you do, man, always wear a rubber.
00:10:13Nice. Always classy.
00:10:17Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like...
00:10:20Come on, dawg.
00:10:23Hey, sir. I've got something yummy for your little girl.
00:10:29(Screaming) Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!
00:10:37(Woman screams) Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened? I don't know.
00:10:43Is there a cock and balls on the front of me again?
00:10:47Like a little tree trunk.
00:10:49IAN: Thank you.
00:10:51Oh, my God.
00:10:54Whoa. You look pretty.
00:10:58God, shut up, Ian!
00:11:00What? I'm just saying, you usually dress so... You look nice.
00:11:02Ian, why do you got to work the mouth when you talk to us?
00:11:06Yeah, Ian.
00:11:08Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.
00:11:10Hey, that girl you work with, Becca, you gonna bring her to my party tonight?
00:11:14Yeah, I asked her. She said no.
00:11:15Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.
00:11:17That's what you say about everyone.
00:11:20She made you wear the fucking costume again, right?
00:11:23You know, I don't mind...
00:11:24Dude, if you told her to fuck off, she'd be two knuckles deep right now daydreaming about your big black cock.
00:11:29FELICIA: Ian, do not listen to him.
00:11:30Okay, girls want a nice guy who's gonna treat them well.
00:11:32Really? Yes. Really.
00:11:34Look, all I'm saying is everybody wants a challenge.
00:11:36Everybody wants...
00:11:38What they can't get. I know, I got it.
00:11:40That shit does not work.
00:11:41It works on you.
00:11:43No, it doesn't.
00:11:51Balls! I got to go.
00:11:53Evil cousin's spending the weekend.
00:11:55Pretty cousin?
00:11:57Ian, she's the anti-Christ.
00:11:58She's still super hot.
00:12:00Fuck you, too. See you.
00:12:01So what happened with Becca?
00:12:04You been doing like I told you, being a dick?
00:12:05Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick.
00:12:07I'd say... No, not really.
00:12:09I mean, you know, I've sort of been practicing your whole being-a-dick thing with this girl I met online.
00:12:14And I get it, but I just... Thanks.
00:12:18I don't think I could do that for real.
00:12:20Dude, sure you can.
00:12:21I believe in you, you know.
00:12:22You just got to stop worrying about being the good guy all the time.
00:12:24I mean, okay, look at Andy and Randy over there.
00:12:28You think they care what women think about them?
00:12:30They could give a fuck.
00:12:31What's up? What's up?
00:12:34What's up, what's up?
00:12:35Hi. I'm collecting for the underprivileged children of Ecuador.
00:12:37Would you like to help?
00:12:40You wanna party?
00:12:41Um... I'm kind of working right now.
00:12:42When are you done?
00:12:45Yeah, what are you doing after?
00:12:46I have a church thing tonight.
00:12:47Kick ass, we'll come. Yeah, where is it?
00:12:49Is there gonna be more hot snatch like you there?
00:12:51Those guys are total nards.
00:12:53They nev get anywhere.
00:12:54That's just 'cause they don't know how to close.
00:12:56But they're ability to open is fucking heroic.
00:12:58Do you wear thong underpants?
00:13:00Do you want us to take our shirts off?
00:13:02Where do you live? Is your mom hot, too?
00:13:03Where do you live? What's your address?
00:13:05Do you want us to come over? Do you like pizza?
00:13:06We've been to a motel.
00:13:10Fuck off, donut.
00:13:13Rex, it's me.
00:13:15What the fuck is this all about?
00:13:19I broke the key off of our locker.
00:13:21I couldn't get my clothes out.
00:13:23Stow that shit in the trunk.
00:13:25Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.
00:13:30(LAUGHING) You suck.
00:13:35Becca? Hey.
00:13:38Wow, I didn't know that you were coming over.
00:13:45I didn't even know that you knew where I lived. I mean...
00:13:47Yeah, I do.
00:13:53Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...
00:13:54I broke my key off and Ron let me borrow the...
00:13:56Anyway, so this is great. You changed your mind.
00:14:00Now, the party, it doesn't start for a few hours.
00:14:04Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.
00:14:11Yeah. Is he here?
00:14:13My 14-year-old brother Dylan? Yeah.
00:14:14DYLAN: Nice underpants, Ian.
00:14:16Snap! Dang, that was funny.
00:14:19You know he's 14, right?
00:18:29Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here.
00:18:33Get off your wallflower ass.
00:18:35Are you smoking cigars now?
00:18:38Hey, Lance. Tight party.
00:18:40Okay, rude.
00:18:42You can see I'm having a conversation here.
00:18:44Now, I'll be with you in a few minutes, okay?
00:18:45Thank you. We're sorry.
00:18:48Don't apologize to her. I'm sorry.
00:18:50Don't apologize to me.
00:18:52(Scoffs) Hey, I'm gonna go see who Felicia's talking to.
00:18:59No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?
00:19:00I know you guys are BFF and all that shit, but tonight's about getting that dick a little daylight.
00:19:05Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart, where you going?
00:19:07Come here, we're not done. Get in here.
00:19:09You know my boy Ian?
00:19:11Yeah. No. I don't know.
00:19:13You used to be on my paper route.
00:19:15Okay, sure. My mom likes you.
00:19:17You know what else about our boy Ian here?
00:19:20Ian is a bust-ass virgin.
00:19:23(Splutters) I'm so sorry.
00:19:28He's fresh meat.
00:19:29(Giggling) Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked. I got into the University of Wisconsin, and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine, 'cause that's where...
00:19:36Are you gonna goo college?
00:19:38University of Boulder.
00:19:39It's a great party school.
00:19:40Oh, you know, I read that they have a really great astronomy program.
00:19:45I don't know if that's what you're going there for or...
00:19:48Because it's really high elevation, and you can see the stars really well...
00:19:58Wow! A little tip action there.
00:20:00That's really suggestive.
00:20:02I'm not saying that you're gonna do that on my, well...
00:20:04There, what, you're gonna... Two in there.
00:20:07(Knocking on door) Wow, you're really... FELICIA: Ian! dude!
00:20:11(Popping) I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?
00:20:14Hey! Hey! What up?
00:20:17What are you doing in there, man?
00:20:21What're you doing out here, man?
00:20:23I asked you first.
00:20:25Uh... Nothing.
00:20:26No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt, so then I had to...
00:20:28I thought you had, like, a girl in there.
00:20:31Yeah, right. I wish.
00:20:34So, okay. So, are your parents, like, still going to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?
00:20:40Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all take off in the morning.
00:20:42Okay. Awesome.
00:20:44'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts, so, I don't know, you think, like, maybe I could hang at your place this weekend?
00:20:51Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something.
00:20:51It'll be fun.
00:20:54Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
00:20:56Hey, I have a secret.
00:20:59(Laughs) Look at you acting like such a girl.
00:21:04I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.
00:21:07I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.
00:21:12Yeah? Well, who is it?
00:21:15Come on, you know me better than anyone.
00:21:18I bet you know who it is.
00:21:19Come on, guess.
00:21:24I think I know.
00:21:30(Gasping) I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you.
00:21:36You're so easy. You're so easy!
00:21:42You're my best friend.
00:21:46I know, and you're my best friend.
00:21:47That's why it's funny that we would kiss, because we wouldn't.
00:21:51So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?
00:21:56Um... Nobody.
00:22:02I... I was kidding, too.
00:22:04That is funny. It's hilarious.
00:22:07That is so funny. That is so funny.
00:22:09Oh! I...
00:22:12Oh, you got... Yeah.
00:22:14All right. So...
00:22:33Hey, babe, you wanna party?
00:22:37I'm at a party.
00:22:39RANDY: Do you wanna makeut with us?
00:22:40ANDY: Why don't you take a picture, Ian?
00:22:43Yeah, and post it on
00:22:46Where'd you come up with that?
00:22:48Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
00:22:50You just did.
00:22:53Can I ask you another question?
00:22:56You just did again. What's up? What's up?
00:22:57What's up, what's up?
00:22:59Dude, where you going?
00:23:02Dude, come on. Be a buddy.
00:23:04I'm... All right, all right.
00:23:06You got to get over the monkey.
00:23:09Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?
00:23:13'Cause we're the shit.
00:23:15Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.
00:23:17So where's Felicia?
00:23:19Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.
00:23:20She's in...
00:23:23Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?
00:23:24We're just friends.
00:23:27I'm uncircumcised.
00:23:29GIRL: Fuck off!
00:23:30Wait, I thought you took her to prom.
00:23:32Yeah, but it was a just-friends kind of thing.
00:23:37You should bang her. We would.
00:23:41ANDY: Dude, we would bang her so hard.
00:23:43Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it.
00:23:45Yeah. Hard.
00:23:47With our dicks!
00:23:48Yeah, our dicks are huge.
00:23:50RANDY: You could see them from space!
00:23:51(Andy spits) What's up? What's up?
00:23:57I'll call you from nationals.
00:24:02BECCA: Say it.
00:24:06You're my little donut girl.
00:24:09Bye, sexy.
00:24:12Yo, Ian.
00:24:15You want to smell my finger?
00:24:17Yeah, okay.
00:24:20(Sniffs) Are you sure you got the right hole?
00:24:26(Sniffs) Awesome.
00:24:43Hmm... '69.
00:24:51(Laughs) Whoa.
00:25:03Don't puss out. Be cool.
00:25:08I don't know.
00:25:11That is a long drive,my sugar biscuit!
00:25:18Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.
00:25:27(Slurping) (clanging) Holy buckets.
00:25:37(Slurps) She wants me to give her the D.
00:25:41(Nasty girl playing on headphones) ♪ What ya got, Mr. Mans?
00:25:45♪ I got a lot of money ♪ I don't see no keys in my hands ♪ I just wanna nasty girl (Grunts) ♪ Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?
00:25:55♪ Do you like what you see?
00:25:57♪ Could you be my nasty girl and let me do that dirty dance with you?
00:26:01an love you long time ♪
00:29:11♪ And it don't make no difference to me ♪ If you're short, tall, big or small ♪ Long if there ain't no big surprises ♪ Chances are you'll suit me to a T ♪
00:29:25Dad, what did you do with my helmet?
00:29:47Ian, honey, I made you some tollhouse cookies.
00:29:56I'll just leave these here for you.
00:29:59te There's $40 in the cow for fun money, so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.
00:30:09Anytime. It's your home now.
00:30:13(Thuds) KAREN: Oh, dear.
00:30:20Dude. Hey.
00:30:23What is going on with you?
00:30:25You bought rubbers?
00:30:26How did you know that?
00:30:28It's on Russ Miller's blog.
00:30:31Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.
00:30:35What's the deal? Dude.
00:30:37IAN: She wants me to meet her tonight at the Big Boy in Knoxville.
00:30:40Seriously, dude, pack your shit. We're going to Knoxville.
00:30:43No. Stop it. Put these back.
00:30:45This is the type of girl who has...
00:30:48She has it shaved into a landing strip.
00:30:50I can't deal with a landing strip.
00:30:53Okay, dude, you don't know that.
00:30:54I mean, she could have anything under there.
00:30:55There could be a little Hitler or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.
00:30:59You know, she doesn't even want me.
00:31:02She wants him.
00:31:03(Lance laughing) I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.
00:31:07I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.
00:31:10Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.
00:31:13Maybe. But what if she's not?
00:31:15You know, I mean, look, you've already opened, and I could help you close.
00:31:20We just need one thing.
00:31:22(Engine revving) Ian, just look at this.
00:31:29I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO, she's gonna drop an egg right there in the Big Boy parking lot.
00:31:34Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.
00:31:37Here. Strap that end down. Tight.
00:31:40The cord's too short.
00:31:43Put a little sack into it, powder puff.
00:31:47All right. Thanks, little brother.
00:31:52Hey, Ian. Yeah.
00:31:53Did I hear something about you wanting to borrow my car?
00:31:56No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.
00:31:58You sure?
00:32:01You're my little brother, Ian.
00:32:04All you gotta do is ask.
00:32:09Could I use The Judge this weekend?
00:32:15(Laughing) Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.
00:32:24REX: Let's go, Dad.
00:32:27What a dick.
00:32:28You should take his car just on principle.
00:32:30What do you want me to do, you know?
00:32:32I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it, since I don't even know what that means.
00:32:35What are you doing?
00:32:36(Laughs) No. Lance, no! Put it back.
00:32:42Did you just hear him? Please.
00:32:43Come here, She's only nine short hours away.
00:32:48We're gonna head down there tonight and you're gonna pound on that va-J.
00:32:50Who's gonna pound on it? Say it.
00:32:52Ian's gonna pound on it.
00:32:53We're back tomorrow before Rex even knows the car is gone.
00:32:55Now, listen, these girls at Madison are gonna be fucking at a college level.
00:32:59(GARAGE DOOR OPENING) I need you ready for that.
00:33:00Wait! Put it... Put it back.
00:33:03Back here.
00:33:17For God's sake. You two rump rangers couldn't wait five minutes?
00:33:24(Grunts) (honking) Shit.
00:33:50Shit! Fuck!
00:33:53I told her she could stay here this weekend.
00:33:59Why are you driving Rex's car?
00:34:00I thought me and...
00:34:02Are you bitching out on me?
00:34:07No. No.
00:34:08Good. Well, then where are we going?
00:34:10Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.
00:34:13Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.
00:34:17Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.
00:34:19Dude, what the fuck?
00:34:22I don't want her along. Really?
00:34:24You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip?
00:34:26Yeah, no shit.
00:34:28She's always cock-blocking you.
00:34:30No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
00:34:31Okay, twat blocking.
00:34:37FELICIA'S MOM: When?
00:34:39No. Bye! God.
00:34:40You guys drive safe now. Bye!
00:34:42So, what's in Tennessee?
00:34:45My grandma has got some cancer.
00:34:47Grammy K?
00:34:51IAN: She's fine.
00:34:52She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.
00:34:54It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?
00:34:58It's foot cancer.
00:34:59She's got a little foot cancer.
00:35:01She'll be hopping around in no time.
00:35:02So what's she doing in Tennessee?
00:35:05Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass cancer center there.
00:35:11Yeah, it's like... It's famous.
00:35:15So if you ever get any cancer, you should totally check it out.
00:35:20I would.
00:39:3465 goes all the way through Indiana.
00:39:37So how's it feel?
00:39:40IAN: What?
00:39:41I don't know, breaking the rules, talking some shit, driving The Judge?
00:39:44It feels pretty good.
00:39:47♪ I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw ♪ I'm in the prime of my life ♪ Let's make some music, make some money ♪ Find some models for wives ♪ This is our decision ♪ To live fast and die young ♪ We've got the vision ♪ Now let's have some fun ♪ I said, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
00:40:21(Engine revving) This dude wants to race.
00:40:26Let's go, ladies.
00:40:29Lance! Cut it out! Come on, you don't know who's in there.
00:40:31Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car.
00:40:34I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.
00:40:39I am not racing in my brother's car.
00:40:41IAN: Holy shit.
00:40:43What the hell is that?
00:40:48Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.
00:40:50And a chalupa!
00:40:53Medium Coke!
00:40:54(Screaming) Go right!
00:40:57FELICIA: they are on.
00:40:59They're not working!
00:41:01Please, don't yell at me. I'm doing the best I can.
00:41:03Winnebago! IAN: Where?
00:41:06Winnebago! Winnebago!
00:41:08(Screeching) (gasping) Oh, my God, are you all right?
00:41:17(Laughing) Yeah, nobody offer to help.
00:41:24I got this under control.
00:41:25(Sniffles) Are you all right?
00:41:35Do I look like I'm all right?
00:41:39You know what might make you feel better?
00:41:41Putting 40 on pump two.
00:42:03Another one for the collection.
00:42:06Aw! Cool. Thanks.
00:42:15(Sobbing) It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.
00:42:20Lance, what are you doing?
00:42:23Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.
00:42:28(WHISPERING) And my dick.
00:42:32(Lance laughing) What have you got?
00:42:40Hey, kid, where you from?
00:42:42I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago.
00:42:46Are you two married. No?
00:42:48No, we're just friends. We're amigos.
00:42:53Oh! You make a good couple.
00:42:56She's pretty. Marry that girl.
00:42:59You kids want to help yourself to a can of Purple?
00:43:02Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple?
00:43:06Yeah, I can go...
00:43:08You ever had a peppermint fatty?
00:43:12No. Let's have that.
00:43:14See how that shoe fits.
00:43:16(Laughs) That is curiously strong.
00:43:21I feel like my dick just got bar mitzvahed.
00:43:25It actually says Purple Soda.
00:43:27(Lance exclaiming) BRANDY: Bad boy.
00:43:38You like him, don't you?
00:43:43What? Who?
00:43:46Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?
00:43:49Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.
00:43:52I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.
00:43:57(Tires screeching) RICK: Brandy!
00:44:03FELICIA: Uh-oh!
00:44:05Brandy! Shit.
00:44:09Howdy. Howdy.
00:44:12Mr. McBroom. Ma'am.
00:44:14Where the fuck's Brandy at?
00:44:18(Brandy giggling) You ever hear of a rolling brown-out?
00:44:28No. Let's try it.
00:44:33Wait, brown? No, no, nothing brown!
00:44:37Nothing brown! Nothing brown!
00:44:39What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?
00:44:41No, but I'm gonna pummel his ass real good.
00:44:44There you go. There you go.
00:44:48Brandy! Come on, baby!
00:44:52Open the God damn door!
00:44:57All right, this is not what it looks like.
00:45:01It was a project for school.
00:45:03Purple Soda!
00:45:05(Soda can hissing) (rick grunting) Wiener!
00:45:29There you are.
00:45:33Come on, come on.
00:45:36I do not want to die naked.
00:45:39(Laughing) RICK: Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
00:45:54Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!
00:46:01Hey, hold on!
00:46:04Come on, man, she's t worth it.
00:46:07She's just gonna shit all over you.
00:46:08Trust me.
00:46:10Eat bat, dickhead!
00:46:11Holy shit!
00:46:15(Laughs) Ian just killed that guy.
00:46:18Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
00:46:20Look, I have my insurance card.
00:46:22I'm sorry. We're from out of town.
00:46:24I couldn't see you through the corn.
00:46:25I'm sorry.
00:46:27(Lance laughing) IAN: Where the hell's the road?
00:46:32FELICIA: It feels like left.
00:46:34IAN: I told you we didn't have time for this, but all you care about is your stupid dick.
00:46:37And you leave us out there with her mom's weird soda.
00:46:40And her dad's balls in plain view...
00:46:41Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!
00:46:42RICK: Motherfucker!
00:46:46(All screaming) (whooping) Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!
00:46:56Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving.
00:46:59Lance, you suc FELICIA: Where the hell are we?
00:47:03IAN: Where are the Google maps?
00:47:04They're in my pants.
00:47:06Which are?
00:47:07In the trailer.
00:47:09Mmm-hmm. Great.
00:47:12Shit. I got gum in my bush.
00:50:29not pick up a hitchhiker.
00:50:31Don't worry, I won't.
00:50:32(Engine choking) No, no, no.
00:50:36Oh, my God.
00:50:40Hey! Thanks for the lift, man.
00:50:43I've been out there for hours.
00:50:45Not one car. Can you believe it?
00:50:48Listen, sir, we didn't...
00:50:49You're good people.
00:50:51Guy, you're not wearing any pants.
00:50:52Yeah, I know.
00:50:54Right on.
00:51:01I got nothing. There's no bars.
00:51:04You know, it probably just needs water.
00:51:07Got any in the trunk?
00:51:09Hey, sweetheart, men are talking. We got this one.
00:51:11Yeah, thanks, but this happened to my brother's car once and you just piss in the radiator.
00:51:19FELICIA: Yeah.
00:51:20Oh, God! Damn it!
00:51:22(Groaning) Are you okay?
00:51:26Fuck. Yeah.
00:51:27LANCE: That's a lesson learned.
00:51:30You can watch, if you're into that kind of thing.
00:51:33Oh, wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen your dick enough for one day.
00:51:35IAN: Do you hear that? There's a ringing.
00:51:38Your loss. It's like razor blades.
00:51:39IAN: What? There's ants down here. FYI.
00:51:44All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.
00:51:50Okay. Go away.
00:51:53Dude, seriously? Still?
00:51:57I thought you got over this shit.
00:51:59You're a grown man.
00:52:08(WHISPERING) Flowing river, gentle stream.
00:52:12Flowing river, gentle stream.
00:52:13Yo, stage fright, how're we doing?
00:52:15Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.
00:52:17(Lance laughing) Excuse me.
00:52:21We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.
00:52:26We just do.
00:52:29Our new friend's got nothing left in the tank.
00:52:39(Christian rock playing on stereo) MAN: You kids need some help?
00:52:58Are you okay?
00:53:02Oh, yeah, I'm great.
00:53:03I just beaved a family of four.
00:53:05(Lance laughing) Try it.
00:53:08(Engine starting) All set?
00:53:14Look, I'm sorry, sir, but we can't give you a ride.
00:53:17I'm gonna say this once.
00:53:20You unlock this fucking car, or God is my witness, I'll stake you all to the ground, cut you open and let the dogs get at you.
00:53:30Oh, yeah?
00:53:38(Engine sputtering) Here's that pee you ordered.
00:53:51Roll them up.
00:53:53There you go, Tex.
00:53:56FELICIA: You're soaked with pee.
00:53:58Quick car wash?
00:54:01FELICIA: Gross.
00:54:03It smells like IAN: How can nobody go down a road for an hour and a half?
00:54:08Why did they even make this stupid road?
00:54:11FELICIA: It's so hot out here.
00:54:15(Laughing) Oh, my God, your head.
00:54:19Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.
00:54:22Yes. It hurts.
00:54:25What is that?
00:54:29Oh, my God.
00:54:32IAN: Wow.
00:54:45That is so beautiful.
00:54:57Need some help?
00:55:01(Laughs) Yeah, but no offense...
00:55:03Oh, right, 'cause I'm Amish, so I wouldn't know anything about your '69 GTO Judge.
00:55:09455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi, something like that.
00:55:12Weird, that thing must have fallen straight from space.
00:55:16Well, good luck with the future ride, spaceman.
00:55:20Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.
00:55:24IAN: Wow!
00:55:26FELICIA: Okay.
00:55:28What are you doing? Whoa, whoa.
00:55:29No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.
00:55:31What? Come on.
00:55:33You don't know how far we have to walk.
00:55:35Those are your only pair of shoes.
00:55:36You know what? You're probably right. God, you're so sensible.
00:55:38But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?
00:55:41I should.
00:55:44I can't believe you just did that.
00:55:47All right. Now you.
00:55:49No way. Forget it.
00:55:50Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.
00:55:52Hey! I'm driving halfway acroto go to...
00:55:55To visit your grandma? Whoa!
00:55:58So he met this chick on the Internet, which is sketchy.
00:56:02The Internet?
00:56:05Yeah, it's like a series of computers that are connected through...
00:56:12A computer's like a big calculator, you know, with a screen.
00:56:15I'm just busting your balls, man. I know what the Internet is.
00:56:18(Both laughing) Okay. You ever heard of Rumspringa?
00:56:23Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.
00:56:25No, it means "run wild." It's an Amish tradition where when we turn 16, we can go live like you heathens for a while.
00:56:32You go nuts, party for months or years till your folks start hassling you, and then it's back to the Stone Age.
00:56:40But if you're on Rumspringa, what's with the buggy?
00:56:43Oh, no, I'm not. Not anymore.
00:56:44I probably shouldn't even be talking to you, but...
00:56:48I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.
00:56:50Sometimes I just miss the world.
00:56:53What do you miss the most?
00:56:55You know, I miss sarcasm.
00:56:57It's mostly lost on my people.
00:57:00And gambling. Went to Vegas once.
00:57:02And butt fucking.
00:57:05Got a lot of nice memories there.
00:57:08LANCE: I hear that.
01:00:36was born barefoot.
01:00:37Hey! Wait!
01:00:39Hey! Stop!
01:00:45Have a nice walk, shit-birds.
01:00:50BOTH: Oh!
01:00:55Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.
01:00:59What up, English?
01:01:09There's no service out here.
01:01:12I can't even tell her I'll be late.
01:01:15Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.
01:01:16You don't want to come off as desperate.
01:01:18(Scoffs) I'm driving nine hours.
01:01:20How am I not coming off desperate?
01:01:21We had shit to do.
01:01:23Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?
01:01:24You blew your head gasket.
01:01:27That's not good.
01:01:30Don't cry. We can fix it.
01:01:33Yeah, really. We're good at it.
01:01:34Yeah? Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it, but it's an impressive thing.
01:01:37Yeah. We'll fix it. Wow, that'd be cool.
01:01:38Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?
01:01:40I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
01:01:42Wow. Wow.
01:01:44Thank you. Yeah. You're welcome.
01:01:46That's what you say when people do nice things for you.
01:01:48You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door if you guys want to hang there while we work on it.
01:01:53Take it easy while we do all this for you.
01:01:58Does he have an attitude?
01:02:01No, he's fucking with you.
01:02:06Just relax, man.
01:02:08I got a good feeling about this, you know.
01:02:10You're gonna party with the Amish.
01:02:12Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.
01:02:16What's up, man?
01:02:21No f-ing way!
01:02:24(Fame infamy playing) ♪ When I'm home alone I just can't stop myself This is insane!
01:02:34I know.
01:02:35(Whooping) ♪ Signing off, "I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen" ♪ I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen ♪ I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a n ♪ The kid was all right, buit went to his head ♪
01:03:07Thank you, guys, very, very, very much.
01:03:11You guys fucking rule, man.
01:03:13(Grand theft autumn / where is your boy playing) Dude. Don't even bother.
01:03:32Your game is not gonna work on that girl.
01:03:34What do you know about girls? I've never even seen you with a girl.
01:03:37I'm gonna go check on the car.
01:03:45Yeah, fuck it. Let's dance.
01:03:49Bite me. I'm n Come on. Don't be hating.
01:03:54(Scoffs) Fine.
01:04:10EZEKIEL: I've never shot a flaming arrow that far, but I was game to try.
01:04:16And the thing is, the second you let it release...
01:04:18Whoa! Hey, what is this?
01:04:21Why are the seats out?
01:04:25Ian, do you know anything about fixing these old Pontiacs?
01:04:27I don't care, okay?
01:04:27Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just put them back in there. I don't want...
01:04:31Ian, you've gotta calm down.
01:04:33Do you know any breathing exercises?
01:04:35Because you are right on the verge of a freak-out.
01:04:36You don't know my brother, okay?
01:04:38He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters.
01:04:40What? He's gonna what? With what?
01:04:43Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank, stand in line, change a 10, find my ass and just fuck it with a roll of fucking quarters.
01:04:56(Laughing) (clanging) Check it out. It's totally working.
01:05:38You're the best wing-man ever.
01:05:42She's in, she's in. Watch this.
01:05:53GIRL: Rumspringa! Whoo!
01:05:58I took a wicked digger.
01:06:02Yes, you did.
01:06:03First day of Rumspringa?
01:06:07(All cheering) Uh-oh! Oh!
01:06:11(Retching) Hey.
01:06:16Alt. Okay. You good? All right.
01:06:19Aw! You guys are so nice.
01:06:22Don't let her step in it.
01:06:24(Laughs) What? What's wrong with you?
01:06:30Yeah, what's your problem, bitch?
01:06:33Nothing. I'm fine.
01:06:35Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.
01:06:37It's Lance, right? No.
01:06:40I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl and you're out here.
01:06:44Come on, Leesh, just drop the hard-ass thing for two minutes.
01:06:46You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.
01:06:50(Scoffs) God, I'm such an idiot.
01:06:54Look, there's something about Lance.
01:06:56Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.
01:07:01Just promise me you won't ever be like Lance.
01:07:05(Scoffs) What is wrong with us?
01:07:09Let's go have some fun. Come on.
01:07:12No. No. No?
01:07:15Come on, we're young, and we're Amish, and it's Rumspringa.
01:07:22(All cheering) Ian, you little cock-sucker!
01:10:27(Rooster crowing) (groaning) Ah!
01:10:49Leesh, you're so stubborn.
01:10:50Look at your feet.
01:10:52They are fine. All right?
01:10:53Hey. What's the plan?
01:10:57I might as well find a phone and call Rex so he can get on with killing me.
01:11:04What about visiting your grandma?
01:11:06Yeah, dude. You been putting off visiting your grandma for too long.
01:11:10It's about time you visited Grandma.
01:11:13Lance, you know, I really do want to visit my grandma, but...
01:11:16Dude, I really can't stress enough how much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.
01:11:23You know, I visit my grandma sometimes two or three times a week, and it is always a pleasure.
01:11:29She's just a delight.
01:11:31What am I supposed to do?
01:11:33Our transportation is all over the floor of that barn.
01:11:34Hey, Mary!
01:11:41Wow, you look beautiful.
01:11:45Oh, please.
01:11:48I mean, seriously, you wearing that, churning some butter. Sexy.
01:11:51So I had the best time with you last night.
01:11:55Yeah, me, too.
01:11:58So you got my number. You're gonna call me, right?
01:12:03(Laughs) "No." You're funny.
01:12:06I mean, Lance, I really like you, but Rumspringa's over for me.
01:12:12So... Rumspringa!
01:12:16(Whooping) (chickens squawking) Sorry.
01:12:35(Engine starting) You fixed it?
01:12:51Yeah, we hit a few snags, but she's banging like a champ now.
01:12:53Man, I don't even... I don't even know what to say here.
01:12:56You know, I don't really have much...
01:12:59Oh, no, we're good. We're good.
01:13:02I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor, that's a gift.
01:13:04Man, you're too... Here, thanks.
01:13:07Thank you so much.
01:13:09You're welcome. Thank you, it's really cool.
01:13:11It is. You know, I mean, if you felt the need to reciprocate in some way, I mean, there's a lot of chores that need to be done around here.
01:13:18Yeah, no, the only thing about that is we're kind of behind schedule right now.
01:13:23Yeah, but, I mean, we could totally come back.
01:13:25We could hit you on our way back through.
01:13:27Okay. Yeah, you should.
01:13:28You should really get on the road.
01:13:30I mean, you got a smooth-running vehicle now, you know, 'cause we fixed it.
01:13:35Yeah. No, but it's... So we're good?
01:13:37We're good. Yeah, technically.
01:13:39We'll come back. I promise.
01:13:42I'm looking forward to that.
01:13:44Hey, no, seriously, we will.
01:13:45Okay. We'll all hold our breath till you get back.
01:13:47On three, guys. Three, two...
01:13:52(Message from yuz playing) My stomach's killing me.
01:14:02Tell me if you see a rest stop.
01:14:04♪ Last night I got a message from you ♪ You told me that my head got blue ♪ Last night I got a message from you ♪ You told me what I needed to do Fuck. I know you didn't take my car, Ian.
01:14:25'Cause you're a big, giant pussy.
01:14:28That's right.
01:14:29That's why. It's here, isn't it?
01:14:42(Muttering) Want some of this?
01:14:56Hey, Knievel, what say you get your bike out of the fricking road?
01:14:59♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
01:15:15All ocupado, eh, sport?
01:15:26Well, looks like we're up.
01:15:28Go on, get in there.
01:15:34(Gasping) (cell phone beeps) Oh!
01:15:41Am I getting a signal?
01:15:43Tasty, I got sidetracked last night.
01:15:47I had to party with some new homies.
01:15:53Tonight, 8:00 p.m. at Big Boy.
01:15:59I'm worth the wait.
01:16:14No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!
01:16:22Little buddy? Hello? Hello.
01:16:29LANCE: Was that you screaming in there?
01:16:32I don't want to talk about it. Ever.
01:16:34Where's Felicia?
01:16:36She went to get corn dogs.
01:20:50Can you believe the girls around here, man?
01:20:54But, man, where am I ever gonna find another girl as cool as Mary?
01:21:00You like it?
01:21:06What about Felicia?
01:21:10What about her?
01:21:12She's into you.
01:21:16Yeah, no shit. Get in line.
01:21:18What is that?
01:21:20She's not good enough for you?
01:21:21Felicia's awesome, but the obvious statement to make here is that you like her.
01:21:25What? No, I...
01:21:28You're shocked. You can't believe it.
01:21:31This bombshell. Come on.
01:21:33You know, she's not into me anyways.
01:21:35Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter.
01:21:38I still... I could never do that to you.
01:21:40Okay, but you do know that she's not into you, right?
01:21:43Yeah. Well, maybe you don't know.
01:21:47No. No, no, I'm gonna stop you.
01:21:49There's no maybe. Okay?
01:21:51And I'm saying this as your best friend, but never.
01:21:56Never fucking ever. You know?
01:21:59Because you guys are friends.
01:22:02You know what every girl I've ever banged had in common?
01:22:04I wasn't friends with any of them.
01:22:08And they all had gorgeous teeth.
01:22:12I'm into that.
01:22:14Real simple. Climb the rope, hit the bell, win a prize.
01:22:16Hey, there, Bilbo Baggins, there's no height requirement.
01:22:20Why don't you step up and win your girlfriend a prize?
01:22:23Uh... We're not... She's not my girlfriend.
01:22:26What about your other girlfriend there?
01:22:46All right, come on, Ian. You can do it.
01:22:50Come on, you're almost there!
01:22:52You're almost there! Go, go, go!
01:22:54AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: Winner! Winner! Winner!
01:22:56That was awesome.
01:22:58How the hell did you do that?
01:23:00We had one of these at Cub Scout camp. I kind of mastered it.
01:23:01Yeah, you think you're hot shit?
01:23:07Thank you.
01:23:10Hey, hey, hey, ass.
01:23:15Hey. What's your secret?
01:23:19You just...
01:23:21If you keep your shoulders down...
01:23:23No coaching.
01:23:25No coaching there, Lombardi. Read the sign.
01:23:27No coaching.
01:23:31Cheese and rice!
01:23:36Thanks. I'm Sandy.
01:23:39I'm Ian.
01:23:41Hi. Hey.
01:23:44Consolation prize?
01:23:48Wow! Thank you so much.
01:23:50You know, my dance team's performing over at the tent in a couple of minutes.
01:23:54You guys should come watch.
01:23:55Actually, we were just about to go.
01:23:57That sounds super fun. He'll be there.
01:23:58Great. See you.
01:24:00Dude, that girl reeks of sex.
01:24:02(My prerogative playing) ♪ Everybody's talking all this stuff about me ♪ Why don't they just let me live?
01:24:11♪ I don't need permission ♪
01:24:15Do we really have time for... Hey, hey.
01:24:16You have to stop doing that to him.
01:24:18Doing what? Twat blocking.
01:24:20I'm not twat... Doing that.
01:24:30Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!
01:24:35Come on, girls, let's help me get some fellas up in here.
01:24:41Ian. Oh, no. Please.
01:24:44Get up there. Come on.
01:24:46Come on!
01:24:48KAT: In the back! In the back!
01:24:54Come on, two more, two more! Yeah!
01:25:01(Laughing) Dude, turn around.
01:25:05(Kat whooping) (laughing) Look at this fine crop of handsome fellas I got here.
01:25:19But before we get down to business, there's a young woman here who would like to share her story with these young men.
01:25:27Kristy, you ready, baby?
01:25:33So, last year I was at a dance with my boyfriend.
01:25:37He wanted to go to his car.
01:25:41So I did.
01:25:44So we were both naked in the back seat and we started having oral...
01:25:47(Inaudible) MAN IMITATING SOUL SINGER: ♪ Yeah!
01:25:54♪ Daddy likes that! ♪
01:25:57Excuse me!
01:26:00Excuse me!
01:26:02Is this tragic story turning you on?
01:26:05(Laughing) This courageous young lady pours her heart out and this is getting you hot?
01:26:21It's time for you to pledge. Right now!
01:26:24Boy, you need this more than anybody.
01:26:26Hey, keep a wrinkle in it, captain.
01:26:30I can't believe you took a fucking abstinence pledge with a hard-on.
01:26:35It's classic.
01:26:38Look, I didn't even know what she was talking about.
01:26:40That doesn't count! Okay?
01:26:41Ian! Hey! It gets better.
01:26:43I am so proud of you!
01:26:45Get away from me. Is that what you do?
01:26:47You go out and you lure little dorks like me into your little no-having-sex club?
01:26:51Ian, it's not like that at all.
01:26:52Just go away. Now.
01:26:57I would've blown you, you know.
01:27:02Oh, man. Wow.
01:27:04You can keep your stupid flipping lollipop, anyway!
01:27:08You are dead, psycho-virgin! No, no!
01:27:11Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:30:14Thank you. Welcome.
01:30:17(Country music playing on radio) Fine, okay, you were right. My feet are killing me, and I never should've tossed my shoes.
01:30:35No, come on. I love that your shoes are in that tree.
01:30:40I do. That's premium Felicia.
01:30:51So what'd you do to her?
01:30:55Smack her around a little bit?
01:30:57She gets out of line, you pop her one?
01:30:59No. No, sir, I...
01:31:00I got you. I'm just teasing you, man.
01:31:02We have fun.
01:31:04He didn't, though, did he?
01:31:07Hmm? Mmm-mmm.
01:31:08Be back in a couple minutes.
01:31:10I'm gonna wait for that to numb up.
01:31:12Hands to yourself, O.J.
01:31:14Ian, you know the other night at Lance's party?
01:31:21Was I there?
01:31:24No, come on.
01:31:31I mean, you know the only reason is because I don't want to ruin our friendship.
01:31:38Totally, I mean friendship is awesome.
01:31:42Good call.
01:31:45I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.
01:31:55You won't.
01:31:59What are you thinking about?
01:32:02What are you thinking about?
01:32:06I asked you first.
01:32:10You got a little loogie.
01:32:13(Grunting) I'm gonna go see if Lance...
01:32:20Go. Go.
01:32:31Um, I'll take these asl.
01:32:39They're not for me. They're not.
01:32:52Heads up.
01:32:55What's with you?
01:32:57I'm thinking maybe we head back home.
01:33:00What? Why?
01:33:02Well, Felicia and I were talking in there, and we kind of had a moment.
01:33:21t. I'm n No, I'm gonna text Tasty, and I'm gonna tell her I'm not coming.
01:33:26Ian, get in this car.
01:33:29I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
01:33:31Shit, where's my phone?
01:33:32Hey, you got a new smile.
01:33:35You have my phone. I didn't know...
01:33:37This is for you.
01:33:39Mmm! A message came in.
01:33:41Your grandma says she's really excited to see you.
01:33:44And something about her hot, shaved pussy.
01:33:47Must be the cancer talking.
01:33:49(LAUGHS) All right. Good deal. We're going to Knoxville.
01:33:51 playing) ♪ All I've got is frustration, frustration ♪ I hate this vacation ♪ So, give up, give up ♪ Give up, give up ♪ I've got to get away from here ♪ It's killing me just thinking 'bout ♪ Frustration, frustration ♪ I hate this vacation... ♪
01:34:17Ian, you're going the wrong way.
01:34:19We're going home.
01:34:23Please, do not turn around because of me.
01:34:24Yeah, no shit.
01:34:27I'm dying to see Ms. Tasty.
01:34:29This is going to be hilarious.
01:34:30A hundred bucks says she has a wiener.
01:34:31Look, I said we're going home.
01:34:34I don't want to talk about it.
01:34:35I knew you'd find some way to fuck this up for him.
01:34:37(LISPING) Me? You two are fucking scheming behind my back.
01:34:39No, we're not.
01:34:42Okay. You stole Rex's car.
01:34:43You drove halfway across the country.
01:34:44This must be what you want to do.
01:34:46So do it, chicken shit!
01:34:47(LISPING) Fucking A, chicken shit. Fine!
01:34:48You know what?
01:34:49I'll turn the car around, I'll flip a bitch, and I'll go pork somebody. Right now.
01:34:53I'll be that guy. Is that what you want?
01:34:55Be that guy! That guy rules. FELICIA: Sounds awesome.
01:34:56That would make me so happy.
01:34:58All right. All right. Fantastic! I'm doing it.
01:35:00LANCE: Watch out, Ian! Fuck!
01:35:02FELICIA: Watch it, Ian!
01:35:07(Laughing) IAN: You like that?
01:35:09Did your fucking balls just drop?
01:35:10Holy shit, Ian.
01:35:12Oh, man, it's this douche again.
01:35:15You want it? You got it.
01:35:19Hold on to your pantyhose.
01:35:22Okay, we gotta work on your banter, but otherwise, this is awesome.
01:35:24(Danger zone playing) You're losing him.
01:35:29No, I got him. I got him.
01:35:31Jesus, Ian! Not so close.
01:35:34God damn it!
01:35:39No way, man! You're dead.
01:35:43Sorry. He's all right.
01:35:47LANCE: This guy's fucking dangerous!
01:35:53Where is he? Talk to me, dudes.
01:35:57Right up our ass. He's in our ass.
01:36:03LANCE: He's tagging out.
01:36:06Ah! Ladies!
01:36:08Ian, look out!
01:36:09(Thudding) Oh! Oh!
01:36:17God damn it.
01:36:18What were you doing, man? Shit.
01:36:22Dude, take it easy. This wasn't your fault.
01:36:26He jumped right in front of you.
01:36:28Just shut up, Lance. Of course it's my fault.
01:36:29Now, come on, man, this possum's not gonna fuck you.
01:36:33We gotta go find Ms. Tasty.
01:36:34He's suffering, Lance.
01:36:36I'm not gonna leave him here by himself.
01:36:37Okay. You're right.
01:36:42We gotta help him.
01:36:46We gotta call a vet or something.
01:36:48Ian, look at him.
01:36:49There's not a lot that we can do.
01:36:53You guys'll probably want to back up.
01:36:56This'll probably stink like shit.
01:36:58What the fuck are you doing?
01:36:59I'm gonna take him out of his misery.
01:37:01They don't make little wheelchairs for him.
01:37:02He's done, man.
01:37:04IAN: Fuck you, Lance.
01:37:06God, you don't even give a shit about him.
01:37:08I'll do it.
01:37:18I'm sorry.
01:37:21(Grunts) LANCE: All possums go to heaven.
01:37:27FELICIA: Uh... Ian.
01:37:31It... I think it's still...
01:37:42Oh, no.
01:37:45Ian, I'm so sorry, it's...
01:37:48Oh, God! Jesus fucking... God damn it!
01:37:52I'm trying to do the right thing here.
01:37:55He's really hanging in there.
01:37:58God! Fuck!
01:38:01You guys ever listen to Sonic Youth?
01:38:04I've been on a big Sonic Youth phase lately.
01:38:07(Siren wailing) You know, their bass player's a woman.
01:38:11(Groans) P:iD &("ddk[+k!0.ká Okay, listen, you have got to be cool, 'cause if they see you shitting yourself they're gonna fuck with us.
01:42:13Hey! Hey, ladies.
01:42:14Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem?
01:42:19How about you just chill out, man? Be cool.
01:42:20All right. We good?
01:42:24Yeah, we're good.
01:42:35Excuse me.
01:42:38Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...
01:42:41You should've seen the look in his eyes.
01:42:45His heart was breaking for this poor little thing.
01:42:48Shit, that boy Ian don't seem like he got no balls at all.
01:42:51Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some over a suffering critter?
01:42:56I think that's real sweet.
01:43:00Well, I say this Lance, he sounds like a real hunk of man.
01:43:02But he got no respect for bitches.
01:43:05Shathayd's right. No respect for bitches.
01:43:06None whatsoever.
01:43:11You love Ian, don't you, baby?
01:43:17Well, it's just we've been best friends since we were really little, and I don't know, he's the only person I can really talk to, you know?
01:43:27When I was a girl, my best friend was a fella named Creighton McDaniel.
01:43:31We used to stay up all night just talking and laughing and carrying on.
01:43:38Then one day I got it into my head that we ought to be more than friends.
01:43:44So I tell him I love him.
01:43:47What happened?
01:43:50We dated for a few weeks.
01:43:54Then he met a gal over in Wofford.
01:43:57We still talk from time to time.
01:44:01But it was never the same between us.
01:44:10Baby. Come here.
01:44:14Come on, now. Come on, now.
01:44:19You know you need a hug.
01:44:22Come on, honey.
01:44:24Cuddle up.
01:44:27(Urinating) Dude.
01:44:35Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.
01:44:38Yeah, I am.
01:44:41And that guy's looking right at your dick.
01:44:45(Flushing) Look at you. You're a new man.
01:44:51No, I'm not.
01:44:53Dude. You stole a car, you got arrested, you got in a prison fight.
01:44:59And now you're in here pissing like a big dog.
01:45:01I mean, there's only one thing left.
01:45:04Yeah, well, that's out.
01:45:06I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.
01:45:07Dude, when we get out of here, just tell her you got pinched.
01:45:11She'll think that's bad-ass, because it is.
01:45:12Lafferty, Nesbitt, your bail has been posted.
01:45:19Time to go.
01:45:29(Sighs) All right, Duane, I'm gonna go to your MySpace page and listen to your album.
01:45:35And I hope to see you soon in better circumstances.
01:45:48Hey. Mary!
01:45:52Wait. Wait. How did you find me?
01:45:56Well, I called your cell phone, and then someone answered here.
01:46:00That's awesome. Okay.
01:46:01Are you okay? Why are you in jail?
01:46:05I mean, there's a number of charges, but the most prominent ones were animal cruelty and the assaulting the officer.
01:46:12But it's not nearly as bad as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.
01:46:15Okay. Okay. Wait right here. Okay.
01:46:17Teddy, Carol.
01:46:21Lance, my man.
01:46:22You guys got my stuff?
01:46:23It's gonna be a few minutes.
01:46:24All right. I gotta put up with a lot here.
01:46:26I was raped last night. I'm just fucking with you.
01:46:28(Laughing) Oh, man. But one guy did get raped.
01:46:45(Flying high playing) ♪ You can't know, oh, no ♪ You can't know ♪ How much I think about you, no ♪ It's making my head spin ♪ Looking at you ♪ And you are looking at me ♪ And we both know what we want ♪ So close to giving in ♪
01:47:28FELICIA: Ian, don't do this.
01:47:31No, don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.
01:47:35Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.
01:47:39So what if you're a virgin?
01:47:41God, Ian, it's just sex. It's not...
01:47:43No, Felicia, it's not about the sex.
01:47:46It's not. I'm weird.
01:47:49I'm the only virgin I know. I need to get this done so everyone can just stop freaking out about it.
01:47:56Look, I know you don't approve, but I'm sorry, I just...
01:48:00I'm not going home a virgin.
01:48:02Then do it with me.
01:48:08Do it with me and not some stranger.
01:48:11We're friends so you know you're not gonna get some, like, crabs or genitts or some pussing thing that's coming...
01:48:19Wow, Leesh. That's hot!
01:48:24You know what?
01:48:27I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever than lose it on pity-sex.
01:48:31I'm not talking about pity-sex.
01:48:35Then what are you talking about?
01:48:36I don't know. Sex.
01:48:38It doesn't have to mean anything.
01:48:42It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.
01:48:48Leesh, you know what?
01:48:49Fuck the friendship!
01:48:51I'm sorry, I just can't do it.
01:48:53I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to about your boyfriends anymore.
01:48:55I can't...
01:48:58I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up in the middle of the night, and you're gonna cry to because Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.
01:49:03And maybe I'm just being selfish here, but it is not enough.
01:49:07Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door, and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully female person that I met on the Internet.
01:49:19Unless you've got something better to say to me.
01:51:060,ED"""DER-Y0ff3!l$:t:0"Z0,F$&)MfYlYl1L) á44445!PUUUáj(qFq0(B9g "[email protected]@9ódú@.D0A0!!2áo7o7áB%áIJRJRKrI rI That's what I thought.
01:54:46Check out time, dick-cheese.
01:54:50Rex, how'd you find me?
01:54:52You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?
01:54:55(Siren wailing) (disco inferno playing) Come here.
01:55:02♪ Burn that mother down, y'all ♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪ Disco inferno ♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪ Burn that mother down ♪
01:55:12Come on, Rex, wait. The girl...
01:55:13The one I told you about from the Internet.
01:55:14She's right across the street, Rex.
01:55:16She wants to do it with me and everything.
01:55:18Like I give a shit!
01:55:23(Screaming) Get your shit, queer-bait! We're going home.
01:55:34Okay. Okay, fine.
01:55:37It probably wouldn't have changed all these feelings that I've been having lately anyway.
01:55:43What are you talking about?
01:55:46I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings, curiosity about men.
01:55:59Oh, shit, Ian!
01:56:02I think you might be right.
01:56:05I think I might be getting gay.
01:56:08Oh, God damn it.
01:56:10Oh, fuck!
01:56:13But I just haven't had any luck with girls, Rex.
01:56:16No way! No way my little brother's taking it in the chili ring.
01:56:27All right, you take the car, and you go bang a female woman like the good Lord intended.
01:56:35You've got one hour!
01:56:37Ian. Yeah?
01:56:41Not up the butt.
01:57:07Hey, man. You looking for somebody?
01:57:15Ms. Tasty.
01:57:18MS. TASTY: Ian?
01:57:25Oh, my gosh! Hey.
01:57:29I was sure you were standing me up.
01:57:32But here you are. Look at you. See you.
01:57:36You look a little different than your picture.
01:57:41ah, I know. I lost a lot of weight 'cause I had the runs... The flu.
01:57:47Well, you're mighty cute, and your car is really pretty.
01:57:51Why don't you take me for a ride?
01:57:58So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?
01:58:03How about I tell you after?
01:58:08Yeah, sure.
01:58:12Works for me.
01:58:19(Atlantis playing) ♪ ...below the ocean ♪ Where I wanna be ♪ She may be ♪ Way down below the ocean... ♪
01:58:34No, Mary, wait.
01:58:39What's wrong?
01:58:40Nothing. I mean...
01:58:42Nothing, I just... I really like you, and I don't want to ruin this. You know?
01:58:52But, hey, maybe you could come to Chicago and we could hang out and take it a little...
01:58:59No. Lance, it doesn't work like that.
01:59:07And, I mean, if I don't go back, I'm gonna be shunned.
01:59:12I could never see my family again.
01:59:16This Amish thing is a real motherfucker.
01:59:19Yeah, tell me about it.
01:59:29Ian. Yeah.
01:59:33I think we should take our clothes off.
01:59:35Wow. Really? Right here?
01:59:40No one's around for miles. Come on.
01:59:51What do you think?
01:59:58I think we should take your clothes off now.
02:00:01Yeah, maybe we should.
02:00:04I don't play football!
02:00:07Ok I... I really don't.
02:00:12I mean, I don't even really watch football.
02:00:13I mean, I got all that stuff from Friday Night Lights, which is a show.
02:00:15It's also a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton.
02:00:18I don't know if you saw it, but...
02:00:20What? You think everything in my profile's the God's honest truth?
02:00:26Now, come on, take your clothes off.
02:00:29Look, there's this girl...
02:00:35Ian, this can be our little secret.
02:00:39No one has to know.
02:00:41Now come here.
02:00:55I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do this with you.
02:01:01I'm kissing you, and I'm thinking about somebody else.
02:01:06No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say.
02:01:10I mean, she's not even...
02:01:12(Sniffling) Oh, no, no, no. Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.
02:01:16It's not a reflection of...
02:01:20You're so pretke...
02:01:22You're laughing.
02:01:24Just take your fucking clothes off, asshole!
02:01:26Look, I'm sorry, okay. I don't mean to lead you on here, and I'll give you a ride home, but I don't think that... What the fuck?
02:01:36You heard the lady. Strip.
02:05:44All right, just take your shirt off.
02:05:48Okay, good.
02:05:50You were right, Ian. '69 Judge.
02:05:54You were worth the wait.
02:05:57Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car!
02:06:01Oh, and good luck with the lady friend.
02:06:04 tasty whooping) Felicia. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
02:06:11Now, listen. I got another car coming any minute now, okay?
02:06:16Got it. So take me back to the Big Boy and get this goat over to Luis.
02:06:23And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!
02:06:27I fucking told you.
02:06:30I know where it is.
02:06:32(Cla Shit!
02:06:52Hey, boys. You finally made it.
02:06:55What's up, Ms. Tasty?
02:06:57What's up? What's up?
02:06:59Damn, you're hot as fuck.
02:07:03We brought beers and rubbers.
02:07:04And some lotion for your tits.
02:07:12So, wait, you do want to party?
02:07:17With us?
02:07:21Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.
02:07:41Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!
02:07:46Who the fuck are you?
02:07:50Holy fucking fuck-balls!
02:07:52Okay, my bad.
02:07:55Now, I thought you were someone else, all right?
02:07:59You done fouled up my ride, so I'm gonna have to take yours.
02:08:04Fuck that shit.
02:08:07(Gun cocking) Here you go. Pulls to the left.
02:08:09MAN: What the fuck, dumb-ass?
02:08:16Oh, shit!
02:08:19Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!
02:08:25Hey, highlights, back it up.
02:08:28Bite my dick, asshole!
02:08:34Ow! What the fuck you do that for?
02:08:39Lance? What the fuck is going on?
02:08:42That's the son of a bitch I was looking for!
02:08:45Hey, guy. How'd you...
02:08:46Found your computer maps, douche-bag!
02:08:51Hey, hey, hey, hey. Boat show, you and your boyfriend bring it in here.
02:08:55I don't need no trouble right now.
02:08:57Let's go. Bring it in.
02:08:59Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that?
02:09:06Son of a bitch!
02:09:07(Groaning) Come on, darling.
02:09:11Shut up!
02:09:12Now, take it easy on the hair.
02:09:13Get down!
02:09:14Hey, hey, come on.
02:09:16All right, all right.
02:09:17IAN: Take your hands off her!
02:09:21(Ian exclaiming) (all exclaiming) ANDY: Holy loud!
02:09:32RANDY: People are in the vehicle.
02:09:37IAN: Please! No!
02:09:44All right. Get back, man. Ian?
02:09:48Everybody just be cool.
02:09:51Felicia, you okay?
02:09:54Yeah, I'm fine.
02:09:55Ian, give me the goddamn gun before you shoot your dick off.
02:09:57Rex, I got this. Ian!
02:10:00God damn it, Rex, I got this!
02:10:01Do not fuck with me! Not now!
02:10:02Ease it back, man.
02:10:05That donut ain't fucking around.
02:10:07Hands where I can see them.
02:10:10Ian, dude, you're working the mouth.
02:10:14I don't give a shit!
02:10:16Okay. All right, sorry.
02:10:18You're doing so good. Proud of you.
02:10:20I mean that. I don't say it enough.
02:10:22All right, you, corn-fed, you can punch my friend Lance, but just once.
02:10:26Dude! What the fuck?
02:10:28You nailed his girlfriend.
02:10:30Not exactly. I mean, it was...
02:10:31And he came all this way.
02:10:33All right. All right, fair enough.
02:10:34Just not in the nuts.
02:10:36(Lance grunts) Oh, shit!
02:10:42Okay. Okay, all right.
02:10:45What a punch.
02:10:49I think my kids are gonna be retarded.
02:10:51You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude.
02:10:54Yeah, you got a little...
02:10:55Thanks. My ears are ringing.
02:10:58IAN: Stop it! I'm warning you!
02:11:01Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.
02:11:03 tasty exclaims) Whoa!
02:11:09Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude.
02:11:12I'll shoot you in the leg.
02:11:13Smoke that cock, Ian!
02:11:15I don't think you got the plums, boy.
02:11:18(All exclaiming) God!
02:11:340,ED"""DER-Y0ff3!l$:t:0"Z0,F$&)MfYlYl1L) á44445!PUUUáj(qFq0(B9g "[email protected]@9ódú@.D0A0!!2áo7o7áB%áIJRJRKrI rI Give me the gun! Jesus, man, what do I got to do?
02:15:18Don't move, asshole, or you're a fucking stain.
02:15:25Holy shit, Ian. Right on!
02:15:27Where do you think you're going, bitch?
02:15:31Cat fight!
02:15:33(Both squealing) (can't fight this feeling playing) ♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore FELICIA: Damn you, whore!
02:15:40♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for Fuck you!
02:15:44♪ And if I have to crawl upon the floor ♪ Come crashing through your door ♪ Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore ♪
02:15:58Drop the weapon, donut man!
02:16:02Okay, put your hands on your head!
02:16:06Both hands, asshole!
02:16:08IAN: I can't move the other arm.
02:16:10Who said that? Who said that?
02:16:12I can't move the other arm.
02:16:14(Taser zapping) Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.
02:16:19(Screaming) The big Mexican won't go down!
02:16:25Take the shot!
02:16:27Holy shit.
02:16:29Jesus! Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?
02:16:31He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.
02:16:35Right there. The blond, in a belt for a skirt.
02:16:47FEMALE OFFICER: Anything else?
02:16:51FELICIA: Oh, yeah, apparently there's a guy named Luis, and he has a chop shop at 5th and Crescent!
02:17:01We were just banging that chick in our car.
02:17:02Yeah, you mentioned that.
02:17:04Yeah, super hard.
02:17:05The boy did have some plums.
02:17:07He had some plums.
02:17:10Hey, this is Rick.
02:17:13He's played arena football.
02:17:15Hi. I'm Mary.
02:17:16RICK: Hi. Nice to meet you.
02:17:18That's a weird little dude you got there.
02:17:19LANCE: Are you guys hungry?
02:17:20Is this place open 24 hours?
02:17:22Thank you for coming for me.
02:17:26What were you doing in the back seat?
02:17:30Nothing. I was...
02:17:33You were stalking me.
02:17:36No, I wasn't. I...
02:17:38Okay. Yeah, I was stalking you just a little.
02:17:43I just... I knew you were gonna do something you were gonna regret, and I...
02:17:49Felicia. Why can't you juay it?
02:17:56Why can't you?
02:17:59Well, I asked you first.
02:18:08Fine. I'll say it.
02:18:16You love me.
02:18:22You love me, too, then.
02:18:25(Life is beautiful play ♪ Life is beautiful ♪ But it's complicated Thank God.
02:18:45♪ We barely make it ♪
02:18:50(Mooing) You fucking heifer.
02:19:03(Engine revving)