Roseanne - Mall Story   View more episodes

Aired at 06:30 AM on Sunday, Feb 14, 2010 (2/14/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:03No, really.
00:00:05Afraid so, pal.
00:00:06That was when mom and me got married.
00:00:09You look young.
00:00:10Well, we got married when we were about your age.
00:00:15Dad, you saidthe baseball game was on.
00:00:17This isthe pregame show.
00:00:19You gotthe pregame show, postgame show,half time show, and highlightsat 11:00.
00:00:25You don'tneed the game.
00:00:26Man cannot liveby highlights alone.
00:00:29[Loud music] becky!
00:00:30Will you go tell her to turn that down?
00:00:34What's wrong? your legs busted?
00:00:35Actually, it's just a hairline fracture.
00:00:39I'll be sitting for most of the game.
00:00:44Rock and roll!
00:00:46That's it. conner's up.
00:00:48He's moving across the sideline, breaks into a run-- and he loses the ball to lightning-fast roseanne coming out of nowhere.
00:00:56I'm dead.
00:00:59Oh, dan, she's dead.
00:01:04The best cure for death's a hot meal, I always say.
00:01:08Your dinner's in the oven.
00:01:11Boy, this job is grueling.
00:01:14Hey, you're the one who wanted to strike it rich in the newspaper game.
00:01:21[Telephone rings] I got it!
00:01:24What is it?
00:01:25Please turn that down.
00:01:26I'm watching the game.
00:01:28I'm trying to learn biology.
00:01:30Just remember, the head bone's connected to the neck bone, and the neck bone's going to be broken unless you turn that down.
00:01:41Who was it?
00:01:42It was mrs. clyde.
00:01:44She claims she never got her newspaper.
00:01:48That's the second time she's claimed that this week.
00:01:52You better get over there.
00:01:53I can't. I'm all out.
00:01:55Well, here. take this one of me and dad's.
00:01:59I ain't done with that.
00:02:00Your daughter's in career crisis here.
00:02:03Hop to it.
00:02:05I need some time off.
00:02:07Ho!youneed some time off.
00:02:10I need a vacation.
00:02:11I haven't had one day off since I married you.
00:02:15Sure you have.
00:02:17Have not.
00:02:18Our honeymoon.
00:02:19What honeymoon?
00:02:1918 Hours on your cousin's houseboat does not a honeymoon make.
00:02:25I happen to recall that that was a veritable lovefest.
00:02:30Aw, come on.
00:02:31We never had a real honeymoon.
00:02:33It's the one missing piece in an otherwise picture-perfect romance.
00:02:36Roseanne, are you saying that you want a honeymoon?
00:02:40No, I'm saying I want to be tarred and feathered.
00:02:44Babe, we got two jobs and three kids.
00:02:47We ain't got the time.
00:02:48I bet we could get a week off next month.
00:02:52You're serious about this, ain't you?
00:02:55No, I just brought it up to complicate your life.
00:02:58Nothing complicated about that.
00:03:00We'll go on a honeymoon.
00:03:03Where we going to go?
00:03:04..well, I'll call my cousin and see if his houseboat's free.
00:03:09I want to go someplace romantic!
00:03:11I can't pick something romantic?
00:03:13You aren't romantic at all.
00:03:15I am a hopeless romantic.
00:03:17Well, you're hopeless.
00:03:19I am the king of romance.
00:03:22You learned from the queen.
00:03:24Oh, yeah?
00:03:26You're more romantic than me?
00:03:28I most certainly am.
00:03:30O.k., your royal highness.
00:03:32You pick a spot, I'll pick a spot, then we'll see which is the most romantic.
00:03:38You're on, beef boy.
00:03:39Rosie, what if we wind up picking the same thing?
00:03:43It'll mean we're actually meant for each other.
00:03:46It won't mean that.
00:04:196 Years.
00:04:22I've hadasthma forever.
00:04:22I never knew why my asthmasymptoms kept coming ..
00:04:25...Kept coming back...
00:04:26...Or that I could help preventthem in the first place.
00:04:30...Was treating only 1 maincause of asthma symptoms.
00:04:34But there are 2.
00:04:35Airway constriction.
00:04:37And inflammation.
00:04:38Unlikemost controllers, advair treatsboth main causes.
00:04:42Advair treatsboth main causes.
00:04:45And that helps pprevent symptoms in the pfirst place.
00:04:49Salmeterol may increasethe chance of asthma-related death.
00:04:52So advair is not for asthma that's well controlled on another controller medicine.
00:04:56Advair will not replace fast-acting inhalers ..
00:05:00...And should not be takenmore than twice a day.
00:05:01Talk to your doctor about therisks and benefits of advair.
00:05:05If you take advair,see your doctor if your asthma does notimprove or gets worse.
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00:05:18Now you know.
00:06:23You know my idea of a perfect honeymoon?
00:06:26Mel gibson and a stick of butter.
00:06:33I'm serious. no.
00:06:36It'd be an entire month on a greek island in a quaint little house up in the mountains, not far from the beach.
00:06:44Oh, that sounds real good.
00:06:46The only thing that's missing is your husband.
00:06:49That's why it's the perfect honeymoon.
00:06:52Oh, I get it.
00:06:54Hey, darlene, you're late.
00:06:56I got hung up at school.
00:06:58Two people already called looking for their newspapers.
00:07:02There's no need to cuss, for hell's sake.
00:07:05Bring it out. I'll help you fold them.
00:07:08Thanks. I'll fold the rest.
00:07:10Here, sis. make yourself useful. going to watch our kids when me and dan goes on our honeymoon?
00:07:17Sure, but you're not going anywhere.
00:07:19So now you're reading the future.
00:07:22Now you got esp.
00:07:23Every time you plan a trip, something happens.
00:07:26And you know why?
00:07:28Oh, enlighten me, swami nanda.
00:07:30Because you don't really want to go because you think that nobody can survive without you.
00:07:37Well, they can't.
00:07:38You think you're the center of the universe.
00:07:42Well, things do revolve around me.
00:07:45Hi, a.j.
00:07:47Hi, kiddo.
00:07:48How's school?
00:07:49All right, except for biology.
00:07:50Mr. hodges makes us dissect frogs.
00:07:53I remember doing that.
00:07:55Me, too.
00:07:55I'm in class with this guy, a football player.
00:07:59I cut into mine.
00:08:00He goes down like a ton of bricks-- cold faint. cuts up his chin.
00:08:07Ask your dad to show you his scar.
00:08:10You guys may have done it, but I think it's morally wrong to hack up defenseless animals.
00:08:16The frog's already dead when you start hacking.
00:08:19If dissecting weren't required, they wouldn't kill it.
00:08:22Don't do it then.
00:08:23I'll flunk and bring my "a" average to a "c".
00:08:28If you feel that strongly, you shouldn't do it.
00:08:31You won't get mad at me?
00:08:33I'd only get mad if you're doing something you know isn't right.
00:08:39[Telephone rings] I got it.
00:08:41If that's my customer, tell them I'm already gone.
00:08:45Hi, mrs. clyde.
00:08:47She probably complained to my boss.
00:08:49Your paper should be there soon.
00:08:51You better move. she sounded angry.
00:08:54I'm moving. I'm moving.
00:08:57Becky, go wash for dinner.
00:08:59What are we having?
00:09:01Frog legs.
00:09:03You're so demented.
00:09:07Hey, baby, I'm home!
00:09:08Hey! me, too!
00:09:10Hey, jackie.
00:09:12Staying for dinner?
00:09:13You serious?
00:09:14We'd love to have you.
00:09:16What's wrong with him?
00:09:18Can't someone have a good day?
00:09:20Well, not that good.
00:09:23What are you smiling at, hot stuff?
00:09:26Well-- wait a minute.
00:09:27What's this in my pocket?
00:09:33It is. holy cow, it's a honeymoon!
00:09:36Why, yes. it's paradise.
00:09:38Another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
00:09:46Yeah, paradise lost.
00:09:50Ah cackle, cackle, hens.
00:09:55Baby, this place is perfect for us.
00:09:58It's romantic, it's secluded, and it's 400 miles from anybody that's seen us in our bathrobes.
00:10:04..look at this.
00:10:07The lamont cabins, boulder lake, rhinelander, wisconsin.
00:10:13You're going to take her camping?
00:10:17We're talking luxury here.
00:10:18These cabins got everything.
00:10:20Electricity, hot water, a full kitchen.
00:10:23Full kitchen?
00:10:23Gee, sis, that's just the getaway you've been looking for.
00:10:29We'll be dining at the lodge.
00:10:31Maybe if we're lucky, we can get a table under the antlers.
00:10:35A guy at the lumberyard went and said he had the time of his life.
00:10:40What kind of time did his wife have?
00:10:43He ain't married.
00:10:44Went with a bunch of buddies.
00:10:47 ah, now I don't have the intense lumberyard connections ..
00:10:53But I did manage ..
00:10:58The grand duchess hotel in sarasota, florida.
00:11:04Grand duchess resort hotel, sarasota, florida.
00:11:10It's the perfect honeymoon spot.
00:11:12It's warm, and it's sunny.
00:11:14And not romantic.
00:11:15Walking hand in hand on a beach.
00:11:18That ain't romantic?
00:11:19Yeah, dodging sea gulls and 10,000 sunburned tourists.
00:11:22Honestly, jackie, I ask you, is that romantic?
00:11:25Coffee shop's open till 9:00.
00:11:28Well, now, whose side are you on?
00:11:32I'm on your side, and I'm on your side.
00:11:35Just pick. go anywhere.
00:11:37I'm not going there.
00:11:38There's nothing for me to do someplace like that.
00:11:42What, are you nuts?
00:11:44There's plenty to do.
00:11:45Stuff for you to do.
00:11:47There's hunting, fishing, tracking moose.
00:11:49What will I do?
00:11:50Forage for nuts and berries?
00:11:52Can I suggest something?
00:11:54No. no.
00:11:56Honey, I'm just not going to feel comfortable at some place with, uh, palm trees and marble floors.
00:12:04You think I'll have fun at some place famous for lightning bugs?
00:12:09Then there's only one way to settle it.
00:12:12Separate honeymoons.
00:12:13No. hmm.
00:12:17All right. I'll settle it.
00:12:20Call it. heads or tails.
00:15:29Grubby paw out of that cereal.
00:15:32I'm looking for the toy.
00:15:34I already took it out.
00:15:36If you're real nice, I'll let you play with it.
00:15:40I'll be nice.
00:15:41 ♪♪
00:15:43dan, it's not too late for you to come to the remarkable sunshine state.
00:15:48There won't be no sunshine in florida.
00:15:51I won't be there.
00:15:53I'll just be sitting in my deluxe suite crying because I can't share a concrete shower with four other cabins.
00:16:01[Telephone rings] I bet that's them right now wondering what color bug light you want.
00:16:07I got it.
00:16:09You all right?
00:16:10Sure. why?
00:16:11You walked by a ringing phone.
00:16:14I have lots on my mind.
00:16:16I have to rip the guts out of some frog.
00:16:20Yum. more cereal, anyone?
00:16:22Yes, please.
00:16:23I don't see how you can eat.
00:16:26Pass the milk.
00:16:28There you go.
00:16:30I don't know what to do.
00:16:32Whatever you feel is right.
00:16:34You keep the faith.
00:16:38Darlene, who was that?
00:16:40Mr. adelroy, my boss at the newspaper.
00:16:43What about?
00:16:44He wants to see me.
00:16:46He didn't get his paper either?
00:17:02I did it.
00:17:03I told hodges I wouldn't cut up that frog.
00:17:07I bet that frog was glad to hear that.
00:17:10Yeah, but hodges wasn't.
00:17:12" be proud of that "c." I am.
00:17:17You've put yourself on the line.
00:17:19It's not fair.
00:17:21I'm the best student, and everyone's getting a better grade than me.
00:17:25Than i.
00:17:26Nobody's going to do better than you in english.
00:17:29When I told hodges I wouldn't do it, all the kids cheered.
00:17:33Then two seconds later, they cut up their frogs.
00:17:37What hypocrites.
00:17:38You are the best student in that class.
00:17:41They should give grades for standing up for your beliefs.
00:17:44" if you wanted an "a," you would've cut up that frog.
00:17:52Instead, you did the right thing, the now thing, the happening thing, the nineties thing.
00:17:57Then how come I feel so lousy?
00:17:59I think it's because your body's " whar be the white whale?
00:18:13[Telephone rings] arrr.
00:18:16[Ring] d.j., let me know if they run.
00:18:21I'm going to study.
00:18:22I can't screw anything else up this semester.
00:18:27Hey, stick 'em up.
00:18:28Don't try nothing funny, partner.
00:18:30Just hand me over that money.
00:18:33How much is this?
00:18:34A lot. what you going to do with it?
00:18:37I don't know.
00:18:38Buy me something nice.
00:18:40What would you like?
00:18:41A honeymoon in sarasota, florida.
00:18:44What's a honeymoon?
00:18:45I don't know. I never had one.
00:18:49Darlene, ms. clyde just called.
00:18:52She's looked in all her puddles and can't find her newspaper.
00:18:56That's not my problem anymore.
00:18:58Why not?
00:18:59Mr. adelroy gave me the ax.
00:19:02Now that you've got some free time, could I talk to you?
00:19:07Can I eat before you chop my head off?
00:19:10No. sit.
00:19:13All right, start talking.
00:19:14Well, it's a long, boring story.
00:19:18That's a good beginning.
00:19:19Keep going.
00:19:21A paper route seemed an easy way to make some money.
00:19:25There's no easy way to make money.
00:19:28Your mother would've found it.
00:19:31Let's face it, darlene.
00:19:32You quit on that job a long time before adelroy fired you.
00:19:37Maybe I did.
00:19:38You did.
00:19:39O.k. but I'm 11 years old.
00:19:41I figured, why not enjoy myself?
00:19:43I can live on my allowance a while longer.
00:19:47I guess you ain't heard about the layoff.
00:19:49We can only afford to support two kids now.
00:20:00You're going to be proud of becky.
00:20:03She took a "c" in biology rather than commit animal genocide.
00:20:08Good for her.
00:20:15Becky had to work for hers.
00:20:17The first one was the hardest for me, too.
00:20:24You know, dan, I really adore your kids.
00:20:27Yeah? I say we're 3 for 3.
00:20:30You know, I think our first real try was on my cousin's houseboat.
00:20:37The only thing I was trying to conceive on that houseboat was an escape route.
00:20:43You guys busy?
00:20:44Just sitting around waiting for you.
00:20:47Every time you arrive, it's the highlight of dan's day.
00:20:51Well, it is today.
00:20:52I've been spending lots of time thinking about your honeymoon.
00:20:56You ain't going.
00:20:57On the contrary.
00:20:59You've argued about it for 15 years, so I decided since you weren't taking one, that I'd give you one.
00:21:06What are you talking about?
00:21:08I booked a suite for the weekend at wizard world.
00:21:13Oh, boy. wizard world.
00:21:15Home of the wacky wiggling worm water ride.
00:21:19I bet you never thought we'd be spending the weekend there.
00:21:24Not weally.
00:21:25Oh, forget it!
00:21:26You guys aren't going.
00:21:30Front and center!
00:21:32What's this?
00:21:32I'm taking your kids with me for the weekend.
00:21:35You stay here and have your honeymoon.
00:21:38Eew! I have to be alone with you?
00:21:42Make the most of it.
00:21:43This is the last anniversary present you're getting for the next 10 years.
00:21:48That's sweet. thank you, sis.
00:21:51You guys pack your bags because we're going to wizard world.
00:21:56Wizard world?
00:21:56For the whole weekend!
00:21:58Are mom and dad coming?
00:22:02Yay! whoo!
00:22:26Rosie, what are you doing?
00:22:27Don't you worry. you ready to start?
00:22:31I guess so.
00:22:40I keep waiting for a kid to come tearing through here.
00:22:44We don't have any kids because we're on our honeymoon.
00:22:48What are you doing?
00:22:55Our honeymoon has of-fish-ally started.
00:22:59It has?
00:23:00Do you like our honeymoon suite?
00:23:03I like it.
00:23:04It has a nice homey, lived-in feel to it.
00:23:07Are you ready for romance?
00:23:10Are you?
00:23:11I was born ready.
00:23:14[Music plays] nice touch.
00:23:16I didn't eto the touching yet.
00:23:19Ha ha ha!
00:23:21Now, would you like candlelight or candlelight?
00:24:15This is the honeymoon I've always wanted.
00:24:18Niagara falls!
00:24:20Niagara falls!
00:24:25Captioning performed bythe national captioning institute, inc.
00:24:40Captions copyright 1989carsey-werner productions public performance of captionsprohibited without permission of national captioning institute captioning made possible byviacom enterprises hello hello hello can anybody ♪♪
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