The King of Queens - Multiple Plots   View more episodes

Aired at 04:00 PM on Friday, Sep 11, 2015 (9/11/2015)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:00But I don't care,'cause all I want to do ♪
00:00:05♪ is cash my check and driveright home to you ♪
00:00:11♪ 'cause, baby,all my life ♪
00:00:13♪ I will be drivin' hometo you ♪
00:00:16captioning made possible bysony pictures television have a seat, 'cause I am makingmy man a good, hearty breakfast.
00:00:30Oh, you know what?i'm not gonna have time.
00:00:32I'm gotta get in early.
00:00:33Why?
00:00:34Well, mark donovan-- you know,the driver with the weird ear?
00:00:38Don't know him.
00:00:39 you know,it's all folded up like a fortune cookie.
00:00:42I'm going to behonest with you, hon.
00:00:44You work witha lot of freaks.
00:00:46Anyway, he's gettingtransferred, and all of a sudden,i got a whole new route.
00:00:49well, I guess I'll just give these to my dad.
00:00:54You know what? I'll justeat 'em in the car.
00:01:00Beautiful.
00:01:03Wait a minute.
00:01:04How are you gonnaeat pancakes, drink coffee,and drive?
00:01:07I've eaten won ton soup driving through san franciscoon a motorcycle.
00:01:11I think I can handlea couple flapjacks.
00:01:15Could you get the door?
00:01:21Thank you.
00:01:27Darling, I was wondering whatarrangements you've made vis-a-vis yourfinal resting place.
00:01:32None. I don't planon checking out just yet.
00:01:35 that's exactlywhat my boyhood friend freddy gimpleused to say until someone shoved himunder the "l" train.
00:01:41Bet that left a mark.
00:01:43Of courseit left a mark.
00:01:44He was hit bya locomotive.
00:01:47Ok. what'syour point here, dad?
00:01:50My point is shady acres.
00:01:51I have a wonderfulplot for sale, and I'd like to offer youfirst crack at it.
00:01:57I purchased his-and-her plotsfor me and lily, and after the divorce,i got stuck with them, and unless the peopleatjake and the fat man finally decide to buyone of my ideas, I can't afford both.
00:02:08 when I die, I want to be buried next to doug.
00:02:11 like you kids are gonna make it.
00:02:16Hey, arthur. are you ready for your walk?
00:02:18Quite ready.
00:02:19Hey, listen, carrie, can I ask you something?
00:02:21Sure.
00:02:22Um, I know you've been out of work for a while, and--well, I was just thinking I have a lot of people who need their dogs walked, and I can't handle them all, and--i'm probably I mean, I know you were like a big secretary and everything.
00:02:33 it's just that I don't really want to be a dog walker.
00:02:37 I mean, I don't think I'm quite that desperate yet. ha ha!
00:02:41Well, I just thought I'd ask.
00:02:42You know, you can make like 100 bucks a day.
00:02:49Ok, calm down! ok, ow!
00:02:52Hang on! hang on!
00:03:07[Humming] [doorbell rings] hello.
00:03:13..
00:03:14Did I come at a bad time?
00:03:17Not at all.
00:03:18 then if you could just give me your quick john han--ahem--cock, I'll be on my way.
00:03:24Ooh, great. these must be sally's feet.
00:03:28Huh? don't call the police.
00:03:30I'm a doll doctor.
00:03:32I take broken dolls and make them whole again.
00:03:34.. pretty creepy.
00:03:36Ok, if you could just sign here.
00:03:39Sure.
00:03:40Oh! mr. belvedere!
00:03:43Say hello to our new i.p.s. guy!
00:03:44Hey, why don't you show him your dance?
00:03:46He loves to dance.
00:03:48Come on! whoo! shake it!
00:03:50♪ Shake that body, you little hottie! whoo!
00:03:51
00:03:54whoa! oh! almost lost it.
00:03:55 that would be good.
00:03:58Ok.
00:03:59I get a lot of packages.
00:04:00You and I are gonna be tied at the hip.
00:04:01Whoo--oh! almost lost her again.
00:04:04All right, then. take care now.
00:04:05Hey, your pen! nah, keep it!
00:04:10 what's this opportunity of a lifetime?
00:04:14You'll see in a moment.
00:04:16Just lie back like this.
00:04:19Why?
00:04:20Just do it.
00:04:26Now what?
00:04:27Picture me and you like this till the sun burns out.
00:04:31What are you talking about?
00:04:33 turns out I have an extra burial plot, and I'd like to offer you first crack at it.
00:04:39 no offense, arthur, but I plan on being married some day.
00:04:42I'm gonna want to be buried next to my wife.
00:04:44Well, that plan seems right on track.
00:04:46You're 45 and living with an iguana.
00:04:48Hey, I'm 37, and allen is my dog!
00:04:51All right, arthur, I'm not gonna buy the burial plot next to you.
00:04:53You're gonna have to find someone else.
00:04:56Hey, mom!
00:04:57I come bearing pants. ooh.
00:04:59Arthur! what a pleasant surprise.
00:05:02Yes. veronica.
00:05:06How come you never took me up on my dinner invitation?
00:05:10I'm sorry. I was in greenland doing research.
00:05:13Greenland. how was that?
00:05:15 turns out it's actually more of a bluish green.
00:05:19Oh. go try on your pants.
00:05:21Let me know if there's enough room in the crotch.
00:05:23Mom!
00:05:24He knows you have a crotch. go!
00:05:27So, what's this I hear about you selling a cemetery plot?
00:05:33Because I haven't made any arrangements for myself yet.
00:05:38Right.
00:05:40 it's all the rage.
00:05:45No! I'm an old-fashioned girl.
00:05:47Now, see, this place looks very nice.
00:05:51Well, you know, it's very expensive.
00:05:54Oh! how much?
00:05:551,100, U.s.
00:05:58The timing is perfect!
00:06:00I just got a $3,000 settlement for a botched tummy tuck.
00:06:07How fortuitous.
00:06:09Mmm!
00:06:11..
00:06:12Welcome to shady acres.
00:06:23,,,,,,,, ok, finish it up.
00:07:19I know women who've given birth faster than this.
00:07:24Finally!
00:07:25Let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go!
00:07:27Man: it's the law!
00:07:31Oh, is it? is there a law against that haircut?
00:07:34'Cause there should be.
00:07:41[Gags] ok, let's go. let's go!
00:07:46Carrie?
00:07:47Hey, guys.
00:07:50Hey.
00:07:51How are you?
00:07:52I'm good. really good.
00:07:59I should throw this out.
00:08:06So, how are things at the firm?
00:08:09Great. great.
00:08:11Everybody misses you.
00:08:13Looks like you're keeping busy.
00:08:14 you know, getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me, you know?
00:08:17Yeah, I need a little break from the law thing, so now I'm doing a little dog walking.
00:08:23Awesome.
00:08:24Anyway, I should-- I should get going.
00:08:26Should get these guys home and still have enough time to stick my head in the oven.
00:08:33Let's go. let's go.
00:08:34Great seeing you! uh-huh!
00:08:46What's up with you?
00:08:47Towel guy again.
00:08:495 Days in a row, the guy answers the door, nothing but a towel.
00:08:53It's not like he's even coming out of the shower.
00:08:54He's not even wet.
00:08:56And you'd rather see him wet?
00:08:58I don't know, ok?
00:09:00All I'm saying is one day's he's gonna get sloppy with that towel tuck, ..
00:09:05I'm in an italian deli.
00:09:07Well, I'm actually with doug on this one.
00:09:09When I was 5--ahem.
00:09:11I saw my grandmother naked once.
00:09:14To this day, it still haunts me.
00:09:15What, did you walk in on her in the bathroom?
00:09:17No. me and my brother hid in her closet.
00:09:26[Doorbell rings] come on, pants. come on, pants!
00:09:32Hey, you're late today. excuse the appearance.
00:09:35I'm doing my baking. I gotta wash up.
00:09:37 come on in.
00:10:05Doll: Mama!
00:10:06Oh, my god!
00:10:09Hey, doug? yeah, yeah?
00:10:10Could you do me a favor? sure.
00:10:11I got a box of hair up on the top shelf will you hold the ladder for me?
00:10:17Oh, uh, ok. yeah, sure.
00:10:28Hey, while you're down there, will you grab my package?
00:10:31!
00:10:33The package you just brought me.
00:10:35I want to put it away while I'm up here.
00:10:37Ohh!
00:10:38[WHISPERING] Thank you, God!
00:11:00Would you throw a damn card?
00:11:02Relax.
00:11:05 they're delicious.
00:11:09You know what else is delicious? gin.
00:11:13[Sighs] $1.80.
00:11:16When you have it.
00:11:20Spence: Hey, arthur, you ready?
00:11:21 I'll just grab my coat.
00:11:29Oh, arthur?
00:11:31Evelyn.
00:11:32 is your plot at shady acres still available?
00:11:37Why, yes, it is.
00:11:39Oh, wonderful!
00:11:40It is wonderful.
00:11:42And you are wonderful.
00:11:46Arthur, what are you doing?
00:11:48Nothing. he's my driver.
00:11:50Let's put a pin in this until tomorrow's pottery class.
00:11:54Ok!
00:11:57You sold that plot to my mother!
00:12:00Deal's off.
00:12:01You can't do that!
00:12:02But evelyn was miss yonkers 1957.
00:12:06I don't care. that's my mom's plot.
00:12:08Look, I have a chance to walk into the pearly gates with a bombshell.
00:12:11Just tell your mother she'll have to work it out.
00:12:14No, arthur, all right?
00:12:14Being dead next to you is all she can talk about.
00:12:17She's at the cemetery now checking it out.
00:12:19If you're gonna crush her dream, do it yourself.
00:12:27You see that building over there?
00:12:30Across the river?
00:12:31That's the building where I used to work.
00:12:34Yeah, that's right.
00:12:38And not once in all my time there did anybody ever throw up and try to eat it.
00:12:44Wow. how'd you get so many dogs?
00:12:47Oh, they're not mine. I'm just walking them.
00:12:50I wish I had one, but my mom won't let me.
00:12:53You like dogs, do you?
00:12:56Yeah.
00:12:57Well, you know, uh, I just might be willing to let you walk mine.
00:13:03Really? yeah.
00:13:04 how about every monday, wednesday, and friday? how's that sound?
00:13:08Well, I do have hebrew school.
00:13:10 if you're not serious about this, I can find somebody who is, ok?
00:13:14No, no, no, no! I'll do it.
00:13:16All right.
00:13:17Well, if all goes well and you meet me back here ..
00:13:23A dollar!
00:13:26Thanks. yeah.
00:13:27I would've done it for free.
00:13:29[Mutters] damn it.
00:13:31All right, well, here you go.
00:13:32Here's the poop bags right there, and then there's their treats, I don't know which one, but I've just been giving it to that one.
00:13:41 all right, there you go.
00:13:43Now get on out of here. have a good time.
00:13:45We'll see you in a little bit.
00:13:46Bye-bye! scoot, scoot!
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00:15:56gonnatalk trucks.
00:15:57Works for me.
00:15:58Which truck brand do you think offers best in class HD towing?
00:16:00Ford.
00:16:03I would say the Ram.
00:16:04OK, lets move to the second door.
00:16:05Best V8 horsepower.
00:16:06The Ram.
00:16:07I say Ford on the V8.
00:16:08Chevy.
00:16:09What about this year's Motortrend Truck of the Year?
00:16:10Chevy.
00:16:11What do you think?
00:16:12The Ford.
00:16:13There's no reason why they shouldn't be.
00:16:14Let's see how you did.
00:16:15Oohh!
00:16:18That's the Chevy Silverado HD, the Chevy Silverado, and the Chevy Colorado.
00:16:21No way?!
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00:16:59Deacon: Hey, what's up, player?
00:17:01Yeah, how's it going?
00:17:03 'cause I'm a little short here.
00:17:06You got change?
00:17:08Very funny, guys. very mature, yeah.
00:17:11[Both chuckling] o'boyle, I really need to talk to you.
00:17:18Yeah, ok, well, you know, I'll just tell corporate that I couldn't get the quarterlies done because heffernan really needed to talk to me.
00:17:26What?
00:17:27I was just wondering if there's any way I could stop delivery to 1616 meridian street.
00:17:34Why is that?
00:17:35Well, the guy who lives there, he always answers the door in a towel.
00:17:39Oh, for god sakes!
00:17:41Heffernan, it's called a turban.
00:17:44You remember anything from sensitivity training?
00:17:46No, no, no. the towel's around his waist.
00:17:49Oh. so?
00:17:50I don't know. it's just--it's weird.
00:17:53 ok, so you don't want to deliver to weird people anymore, huh?
00:17:57Well, you know, maybe you should just make up a list of people that you'd be willing to deliver to, how about this?
00:18:04Just supermodels and bakeries.
00:18:07 I mean, I wouldn't ut here.
00:18:11I mean, if the guy had a vicious dog or something, then maybe I could do something for you.
00:18:15You know, he does-- he does have a dog.
00:18:18Is he vicious?
00:18:19Yeah.
00:18:21Ok. why didn't you just say so, then?
00:18:23You don't have to go making up stories about a guy in a towel.
00:18:25Fill out this 10-17, you don't have to go there anymore.
00:18:28Great. well, thanks a lot, mr. o'boyle.
00:18:36Ugh.
00:18:38No, no, no. no, no, no!
00:18:40You're new here. you haven't earned that!
00:18:47Veronica, there you are.
00:18:49Oh, arthur, hi!
00:18:52It's so lovely here.
00:18:55What a place to die.
00:18:57What cemetery are you at?
00:18:59 there's poor drainage.
00:19:02I have no choice but to give you a full refund.
00:19:04Oh, don't be ridiculous! I love it here.
00:19:07You'll love it till it rains and you're floating down the expressway.
00:19:11Oh, stop!
00:19:13Look, you can't have the plot.
00:19:14What are you talking about?
00:19:16I met someone else.
00:19:17Who? evelyn ross.
00:19:19You may know her as miss yonkers 1957.
00:19:23I don't believe this.
00:19:25I already paid you.
00:19:27And here's your money back.
00:19:31Where's the rest?
00:19:32You'll get it when I return a now slightly used mustache groomer to hammacher-schlemmer.
00:19:37 that sounds like another one of your lies, like when you said you were in greenland.
00:19:42I was in greenland!
00:19:43I saw you in waldbaum's!
00:19:45I had 2 days off!
00:19:46..
00:19:48I understand that you hate me.
00:19:50What I don't get is that when you're dead, what difference does it make who you're next to?
00:19:54Open your ears! she's miss yonkers!
00:20:01Veronica.
00:20:04You'll find another plot, I know.
00:20:07What do you care, anyway?
00:20:09I care very deeply.
00:20:13Here's one. beautiful spot.
00:20:15Right to next to bill johnson.
00:20:18Huh?
00:20:19 I knew a bill johnson years ago.
00:20:23I wonder if it's the same one?
00:20:25Of course it's the same one.
00:20:26How many bill johnsons could there be?
00:20:29 you know, way back when, bill and I actually had a little thing for each other, but we were both too shy to act on it.
00:20:38Well, better late than never.
00:20:40I say we go to the office and see what we can do to get you in this grave today.
00:20:50Carrie?
00:20:52Oh.
00:20:53Hey, hol. what are you doing here?
00:20:54Don't you usually walk your dogs at the park on hillside?
00:20:57I do, but they found a body there, where are your dogs?
00:21:03Uh, oh!
00:21:06They were here a minute ago.
00:21:10All right, you guys!
00:21:11I'm gonna count to 10! this isn't funny!
00:21:13They're only messing with me 'cause you're here.
00:21:15 is that tan real?
00:21:20Hi, mrs. heffernan.
00:21:21Hey! what are you doing with my dogs?
00:21:24Walking them. you paid me to.
00:21:27Tsk! no one likes a liar, son.
00:21:30Shouldn't you be in hebrew school?
00:21:32Ok, carrie, what is going on here?
00:21:33That's what I'd like to know.
00:21:35Carrie!
00:21:35All--yeah, all right, you want to know what's going on? I hate this, ok?
00:21:39That's what's going on!
00:21:40I hate dogs. I hate poop. I hate outside.
00:21:43So you're pawning them off on a 9-year-old?
00:21:46Look, he is better at this than I am.
00:21:49I mean, he walks them and washes them, [mutters] and he does it all for a dollar a day.
00:21:54A dollar a day?
00:21:56Mm-hmm!
00:21:57Oh! oh!
00:22:16Man: Look, it's my job, pal, all right?
00:22:18Please! please! I'll give you a doll!
00:22:21I'm just trying to do my job here, all right?
00:22:24You can't take my dog!
00:22:25This is so unfair! you cannot take my dog!
00:22:29I'm sorry, sir. no, please!
00:22:30What's going on?
00:22:31 belvedere away!
00:22:33 they said he bit someone.
00:22:35They're gonna put him to sleep!
00:22:37This guy wouldn't do that, would you?
00:22:39Me? no. that's bruce's job.
00:22:44[Sobs] this is--this is crazy.
00:22:46Mr. belvedere isn't vicious.
00:22:48He's a sweetheart.
00:22:49 aren't you-- oh, god! is he biting you?
00:22:54 we're just playing a little game of clampsy.
00:22:57Oh, jeez, he's going for the high score now.
00:23:00Look at that! all right!
00:23:05You want-- you want to try?
00:23:07No, no, thank you.
00:23:08Ok! rematch later.
00:23:10Look, someone reported him. I gotta do this.
00:23:14Oh!
00:23:15All right, look, it was me, all right.
00:23:18What?
00:23:19I put in the complaint.
00:23:20But why? he's been nothing but good to you.
00:23:24He danced for you! why would you do that?
00:23:26Because you come to the door in a towel!
00:23:28!
00:23:31Not me. bruce.
00:23:33Look, you gotta let the dog go.
00:23:34All right? I officially withdraw my complaint.
00:23:36 and the next time you two have a lovers' spat, leave animal control out of it.
00:23:43 I know you didn't bite anybody.
00:23:46 he bitme pretty good just now.
00:23:50Oh, my god! you're bleeding.
00:23:53Here, take my towel.
00:23:55Oh!
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