The King of Queens - Shrink Wrap   View more episodes

Aired at 04:30 PM on Friday, Sep 11, 2015 (9/11/2015)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00♪ My back is gettin' tight ♪
00:00:03♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪
00:00:05♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪
00:00:08♪ but I don't care,'cause all I want to do ♪
00:00:13♪ is cash my check and driveright home to you ♪
00:00:19♪ 'cause, baby,all my life ♪
00:00:20♪ I will be drivin' hometo you ♪
00:00:24captioning made possible bysony pictures television Carrie: Dad, will youplease drop it?
00:00:33Arthur: I won't!you're being insane!
00:00:35I just want to beproperly groomed.
00:00:37That's the oppositeof insane!
00:00:39This has nothing to dowith grooming.
00:00:40It has to do with youtrying to get your hair dyed for free.
00:00:44Tinted!on your left.
00:00:46The point is, I am notschlepping you to some beauty schoolin brooklyn just so that you cansave a few bucks.
00:00:52It's not to savea few bucks.
00:00:57Need the butter,thanks.
00:00:58Douglas, do you thinkmy request is so insane?
00:01:02Go ahead,tell him, doug.
00:01:03Tell himhow insane it is.
00:01:07I don't wantany trouble.
00:01:08Ok. all know what, dad?
00:01:09 if you wantto go so badly, here is money for a cab.go to brooklyn.
00:01:14Get a mohawk,have a ball.
00:01:16I don't wantyour filthy lucre-- ok. your lucre'sin my toast.
00:01:19Well, I am notdriving you, so if you wantto go, you're gonna haveto hitchhike.
00:01:23So some truckercan have his way with me?
00:01:26Ho ho! you'd love that!
00:01:27Carrie: Yeah, I'd love itif he drove off with you.
00:01:30How dare you!
00:01:36Carrie: What the hellis wrong with you?
00:01:38Arthur: Perhapsyou should be asking that of yourself.
00:01:41And we're back.
00:01:42Why would you try todye your own hair? why?
00:01:46Because you wouldn'tdrive me to brooklyn!
00:01:49[Softly]excuse me. I just need a beer.
00:01:50And congratulations,dad, you've managedto ruin my sink.
00:01:54And why black hair dye?
00:01:56I mean,what's that about?
00:01:58The drugstore wasout of summer auburn.
00:02:00Besides, I thinki look quite dashing.
00:02:04You're drippinglike bad mascara.
00:02:07You should know!
00:02:09Why wouldn't you justtake the $20 I gave you and call a cab, hmm?
00:02:14It was a matterof principle!
00:02:16 oh, ok,what principle is that, dad?
00:02:19I pay for your room,your food, your clothes-- what principlewon't allow you to take my moneyfor your hair?
00:02:25Oh, couldn't even get the bat off your shoulder on that one, huh?
00:02:37[Door opens] because my room, food, and clothing do not grow out of my head.
00:02:43That's the difference.
00:02:49Well, well.
00:02:50Now who can't get the bat off their shoulder?
00:02:55Good night!
00:02:59[Door closes] turn the light off, hon.
00:03:05Did you happen to notice that a lunatic just came in our room?
00:03:08And now he's gone, so can you turn the light off?
00:03:12What are you so upset about all of a sudden?
00:03:14This kind of thing happens almost every day.
00:03:17And it's not natural.
00:03:18Other people don't live like this.
00:03:19I know, 'cause I see them on my route.
00:03:20 they smile, they sing, carrie.
00:03:23We don't sing!
00:03:25What do you want mdifficult old man.
00:03:29Yeah, well, there must be things you can do with crazy old people.
00:03:32 like get him his own corner on 48th street?
00:03:35 all I'm saying is I can't take it anymore.
00:03:37Look. I'm gonna lay it on the line here.
00:03:40If you want to keep getting this, you're gonna have to do something about that.
00:03:47Ok. which way you leaning here?
00:03:50All right, doug. maybe you're right.
00:03:53We could take him to see a therapist or something.
00:03:58I was thinking more along the lines ..big cage.
00:04:02Why don't we try this first?
00:04:04Yeah, but therapists-- aren't they expensive?
00:04:05No, we'll just take him for one session, just so the guy can get a sense of who he is, you know?
00:04:09What goes on in his mind and give him some really good drugs.
00:04:13Drugs. yeah, yeah. that's good.
00:04:13That's what they do with cranky old people now. they dope 'em up.
00:04:17Yeah. let's bring him in, get him altered.
00:04:24you need to eat this Special.
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00:05:24So, arthur, how do you feel about being here?
00:05:28I despise it with every fiber of my being.
00:05:33Psychiatry is for the weak and the decadent.
00:05:36Then why did you agree to come?
00:05:38I was promised a steak dinner.
00:05:41A fancy steakhouse, not sizzler!
00:05:47Who exactly was that directed towards?
00:05:49My daughter and son-in-law, who are obviously observing me in the waiting room through this two-way mirror.
00:06:01It's a regular mirror, and the waiting room is over there.
00:06:06Fine. we'll play it your way.
00:06:10Well, as long as you are here, is there anything you'd like to talk about?
00:06:15Nothing you want to hear, my friend.
00:06:17What do you think I want to hear?
00:06:18Oh, I suppose all the usual moaning and crying.
00:06:22[Sarcastically] "oh, doctor, please help me.
00:06:25"I was an unhappy child.
00:06:26I wanted to kill my father and make love " damn, you're good.
00:06:40But my most frequent childhood fear was that I would lose my voice, that one day I would try to speak and no sound would come out.
00:06:51Does that mean I'm gay?
00:06:56It could mean you feel like you're not always being heard.
00:07:00Yes, of course.
00:07:02Which is perhaps why you developed a tendency to scream.
00:07:06Amazing. how did you know I scream?
00:07:08From before, when you screamed at me.
00:07:12Sorry again about that.
00:07:13I didn't realize you were just making notes on your pad.
00:07:16I thought you were drawing my caricature.
00:07:20Let's talk more about this issue of not being heard.
00:07:23Can you remember a specific incident from childhood when you felt that way?
00:07:28Oh, can I ever.
00:07:30It involved something very, very close to my heart.
00:07:39Hey, arthur, do those dumb things even work?
00:07:42I'm looking at your skeleton as we speak.
00:07:44Getting those glasses was the happiest moment of my life.
00:07:47I thought dad says you couldn't have those.
00:07:50Where did you get the money anyhow?
00:07:52Don't tell him.
00:07:53I won it pitching pennies against whitey dugan.
00:07:57[Door opens] hi, dad.
00:08:01Hey, there, skitchy! how's it going?
00:08:05Hi, dad.
00:08:08Say, what's that on your head?
00:08:12These are just my regular glasses.
00:08:13Really? don't lie to me, boy.
00:08:15I can check with your optometrist.
00:08:17They're x-ray glasses.
00:08:18He bought them with the money he won pitching pennies.
00:08:22Et tu, skitch?
00:08:23I thought I told you any money you win pitching pennies goes right to skitchy's college fund, huh?
00:08:28They were just 15 cents, dad!
00:08:30Please, dad, don't throw 'em in the trash.
00:08:33Oh, don't worry. I won't.
00:08:35Happy birthday, skitch.
00:08:36Thanks, dad. now go to your room!
00:08:38I hate it here!
00:08:43Those glasses meant the world to me, but you couldn't hear that, could you?
00:08:46Instead you had to give them to skitch, your beloved, your golden boy!
00:08:50Skitch is a smart kid. he's going places.
00:08:53He's gonna be arrested 9 times for stealing women's shoes.
00:08:56Hey, you want to join yourself in that bedroom?
00:08:59You can't intimidate me anymore, dad.
00:09:03Oh, god.
00:09:05Get back here!
00:09:05You want a piece of me?
00:09:07You're gonna have to come through my psychiatrist.
00:09:09Ooh, what have we here?
00:09:11Big fancy park avenue headshrinker, huh?
00:09:14 couldn't make it as a real doctor?
00:09:17I'm just here to observe.
00:09:19Oh, are you, mary?
00:09:22Uh, let's get out of here.
00:09:29Dr. Taber: Well, arthur and i have had a very interesting hour.
00:09:32I think, perhaps, there are ways to bring about an improvement in the situation you've been having at home.
00:09:37Hey, listen, if there's anything we can do to help arthur feel better, please, you know, just say the word.
00:09:44So is the pharmacy in the lobby still open, ..
00:09:48Yes. why?
00:09:50Well, if you can write a prescription now, he'll be much happier by tonight. ha ha!
00:09:54May I continue?
00:09:58Arthur, by his own admission, is a man who struggles with not being heard.
00:10:01The more he feels like he's not being heard, the louder he screams, literally and figuratively.
00:10:06As you know, he is a screamer.
00:10:08Not in the gay sense.
00:10:10Anyway, a pattern has obviously developed wherein arthur assumes that the two of you will consider his desires to be extreme or frivolous, and thus he tends to live down to your expectations.
00:10:26Do you understand?
00:10:30Yeah. I do. we do.
00:10:32[Clears throat] ..
00:10:38You're not gonna write him a prescription, are you?
00:10:42My only prescription is more validation for this man.
00:10:47Listen to him. hear him.
00:10:50Let him be who he is.
00:11:06Hey, dad. whatcha got going on here?
00:11:10Making candles.
00:11:14Yes, I always wanted to make and sell them out of my own home.
00:11:18Ok, first of all, my home.
00:11:20Second of all, I eat spaghetti out of that.
00:11:23 I'm not feeling very validated right now.
00:11:28No, no, dad. we support you all the way.
00:11:31And by the way, we do validate.
00:11:34We just want to make sure that this is something you really, really want to do.
00:11:37It is.
00:11:38Ok, then.
00:11:48Burning the house down.
00:11:50Roger that!
00:11:53" wow! you're smart.
00:11:56All right, I thought the guy would just medicate him.
00:11:59Did I know he was a "validation" quack?
00:12:01I say we just bail on this right now.
00:12:02 I'm the one who made him go to a shrink.
00:12:05If we blow off what the guy says now, my dad will never listen to me again.
00:12:08Things will just get worse.
00:12:10There's a man with glaucoma pouring hot wax in our kitchen.
00:12:13How much worse could it get?
00:12:16Mind if I hang this over the mantel?
00:12:19Permission to start a bluegrass band.
00:12:24Don't mind me.
00:12:25This is just for my documentary.
00:12:28I'd like to get a large parrot and name it douglas.
00:12:33, the lippmans will be spending the night.
00:12:39I'd like to get another parrot that lives and call it douglas the second.
00:12:45Actually, perhaps I should wait until I get the rest of douglas the first off the side of the garage.
00:12:57Hey, arthur.
00:13:02Hey, how's the, uh, bluegrass band working out for you?
00:13:05You got any gigs lined up?
00:13:06No. it never really got going.
00:13:08Mickey cracked his tooth blowing into the jug.
00:13:11So when am I getting my candle in the shape of rusty staub?
00:13:15Uh, that's not gonna happen.
00:13:16Unfortunately, hot wax and hairy forearms are a volatile mix.
00:13:21Right, right.
00:13:23Hey, how's douglas the second doing?
00:13:30I'm sorry.
00:13:32Arthur, is there anything else you need or, you know, anything you want to buy or build or immerse yourself in?
00:13:38'Cause we're here to listen.
00:13:39No. no. I'm quite fine. thanks.
00:13:42Think I'll go grab a little nap.
00:13:49Ha ha!
00:13:50That shrink is a genius.
00:13:51What? he knew what he was doing all along.
00:13:53We just kept validating arthur until he punched himself out.
00:13:56I can't even describe to you how I feel right now.
00:13:59Carrie, I swear to you, I've never been happier.
00:14:03I've never been more miserable.
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00:14:13shoots and burns its way into your day, I hear you.
00:14:17To everyone with this pain that makes ordinary tasks extraordinarily painful, I hear you.
00:14:24Make sure your doctor hears you too!
00:14:26I hear you because I was there when my dad suffered with diabetic nerve pain.
00:14:30If you have diabetes and burning, shooting pain in your feet or hands, don't suffer in silence!
00:14:36Step On Up and ask your doctor about diabetic nerve pain.
00:14:39Tell 'em Cedric sent you.
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00:15:31That matters to me. I have three children that are going to grow up here and I want them to be able to enjoy all the things that I was able to enjoy.
00:15:36Together, we're building abetter California.
00:17:14So the adjustments you've been making at home-- the listening, the validating-- that's not working?
00:17:18Well, it's working for my father, I guess.
00:17:21Now that we give him everything he wants, he doesn't want anything.
00:17:23No more crazy demands, no more screaming, no more fighting.
00:17:27It's what doug's always wanted.
00:17:29He's happy, but I'm miserable.
00:17:31Well, let's explore that.
00:17:32Hey, doc, listen to me, ok?
00:17:34I don't need to send your kid to college to find out what I already know.
00:17:38And what is that?
00:17:40That I like to fight.
00:17:41Obviously, on some level, I enjoyed fighting with my father, and now that we don't fight, I miss it.
00:17:46If you knew that, why'd you come to see me?
00:17:51Prescribe me something, you know, to kind of take the sting out of it.
00:17:55 well, since we have the whole hour, why don't we talk about your fighting issue?
00:18:01 you really don't like to take that prescription pad out of the holster, do you?
00:18:09" what do you want, like a childhood memory or something?
00:18:14It's up to you.
00:18:15Ugh. ok. fine.
00:18:19Sheena easton sucks.
00:18:21She does not. she's the best.
00:18:23You're stupid.
00:18:24I'm not stupid, carrie. you are.
00:18:25You are. and that outfit, not your best look.
00:18:31You see? I liked to fight even as a kid.
00:18:34Are you convinced now?
00:18:35Well, I see what you're saying, though I find it interesting you picked this particular memory to use as an example.
00:18:40I PICKED IT BECAUSE IT WAS lucy McDonald's birthday party.
00:18:43She was my best friend. let's go back.
00:18:45Not just yet.
00:18:46Why? so you can finish eating?
00:18:48That cake is 22 years old.
00:18:50It's good, and I'm not really a cake guy.
00:18:53What's happening over there?
00:18:55Please let this be a barbie dream house.
00:18:57Please, please, please.
00:18:59I hope it's not.
00:19:01Why did you say that?
00:19:02I thought lucy was your best friend.
00:19:03She was. I don't know why I said that.
00:19:08A barbie dream house! yay!
00:19:11[WHISPERING] Damn.
00:19:13Why are you upset?
00:19:15'Cause lucy got what she wanted.
00:19:18What is wrong with you?
00:19:20Lucy: Aah! a bee! a bee!
00:19:25Now you're happy? that's demented!
00:19:28She's demented!
00:19:29Lucy: Help! he's gonna sting me!
00:19:31He's gonna sting me!
00:19:34[Laughing] actually, it is kind of funny.
00:19:38" oh, my god.
00:19:47Doug: I'm really not following you at all.
00:19:50It's very simple.
00:19:51You are a happy person by nature, and I am not.
00:19:54 you are here, and I am here.
00:19:58When my father was acting like a maniac, that made you unhappy, which brought you down to here-- closer to me-- which made me happier because now I had some company.
00:20:09How you doing so far?
00:20:11Keep going.
00:20:12 now that my father's calmed down, you are back up here, and I am stuck down here by myself.
00:20:16You are happy, I am not, and I hate that.
00:20:19So when I'm unhappy, that makes you happy?
00:20:24Well, not happy, but happier.
00:20:28I'm not gonna lie to you.
00:20:30I'm a little shaken by that.
00:20:33And you should be. that's my point.
00:20:35Don't you see?
00:20:35No. doug, I am not fit to be with you.
00:20:38You're sane and healthy and nice, and I'm evil!
00:20:41Carrie, hey. would I marry evil?
00:20:44Don't-- don't touch me.
00:20:48My wife won't let me touch her.
00:20:50Does she usually?
00:20:53 it's just the thing is, she's convinced now that everything is her fault-- that she's a bad person or something.
00:21:01Do you agree?
00:21:03No. she's great. I mean, I love her.
00:21:05Then what do you think the problem is?
00:21:06I was kind of hoping for the 80 bucks, you'd tell me.
00:21:12I can't do that.
00:21:14Does that make you angry with me?
00:21:16What? no, no, no.
00:21:19Are you sure?
00:21:19Yeah. no. I'm--i'm sure.
00:21:21 because your neck is starting to perspire.
00:21:24Look. I'm not angry. leave me alone.
00:21:28I said, leave me alone!
00:21:30Hey, mr. mazzio told us to clean the erasers.
00:21:34That's all I'm doing.
00:21:34♪ Cleaning the erasers, cleaning the erasers ♪
00:21:38cut it out!
00:21:39What's the matter, heffernan?
00:21:40You're afraid of someone smaller than you?
00:21:41You could kick my ass if you weren't such a chicken.
00:21:45I don't want any trouble.
00:21:47Why am I taking crap from that little runt?
00:21:49I don't know. maybe you are a chicken.
00:21:53Hey, punch him in the face.
00:21:55I don't want to. you punch him.
00:21:56 get in there and punch him in the face.
00:22:00Is that who you grew up to be?
00:22:01An i.p.s. driver? loser.
00:22:05Ok. you know what? that's it.
00:22:06Get in there and fight him.
00:22:08Quit shoving me!
00:22:10Oh, jeez!
00:22:20Aah! aah!
00:22:22[Crash] what a freak show, huh?
00:22:34Aah! aah!
00:22:40[Thud] I don't judge.
00:22:47That's it. I finally figured it out.
00:22:49I do have anger, but I don't like confrontation with other people, so I take it all out on myself!
00:22:56Knock it off!
00:23:01Doug: So it turns out, by avoiding all the confrontation that's been going on around here, I actually caused the two of you to have more conflict with each other.
00:23:09So, really, it's my problem at the root of all this.
00:23:12 if you two are happy with the new situation, then clearly, I'm the one with the problem.
00:23:17Who says I'm happy?
00:23:19I thought you were.
00:23:20Are you kidding? being agreed with and validated?
00:23:22I don't know who I am anymore!
00:23:24I'm suicidal!
00:23:26But, dad, if we go back to the way things were, then you and I will feel better, but then doug will be unhappy again.
00:23:32We can't have that. he's a good man.
00:23:34But, arthur, I don't want to stay happy if the two of you are unhappy.
00:23:37You're right. that would be very unfair.
00:23:40 so what we're dealing with here is, basically, only two of us can be happy at the same time.
00:23:47What do we do?
00:23:50So they're gonna keep fighting, and I'm gonna come for therapy once a week.
00:23:54How's thursdays at 6:00?
00:23:56It's perfect.
00:23:58I'd also like to write you a prescription.
00:24:00That'd be great. thanks.
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00:25:51Works for me.
00:25:52Which truck brand do you think offers best in class HD towing?
00:25:57I would say the Ram.
00:25:58OK, lets move to the second door.
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00:27:21So why do you think food has become such an important factor in your life?
00:27:24Gee, I don't know. that's a good one.
00:27:28I guess 'cause, you know, food doesn't call you names or say you're stupid.
00:27:35It's always good.
00:27:36Yes. thank you.
00:27:38Sometimes I feel like food is the only friend I have.
00:27:45Hey. come here.
00:27:46Get off me, lard ass!
00:27:50[WHISPERING] You are so dead after the session.
00:27:56Captioning made possible bysony pictures television captioned by the nationalcaptioning institute