The King of Queens - Multiple Plots   View more episodes

Aired at 01:30 AM on Wednesday, Jul 07, 2010 (7/7/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02 have a seat, 'cause I am makingmy man a good, hearty breakfast.
00:00:06Oh, you know what?i'm not gonna have time.
00:00:08I'm gotta get in early.
00:00:10Well, mark donovan-- you know,the driver with the weird ear?
00:00:14Don't know him.
00:00:15 you know,it's all folded up like a fortune cookie.
00:00:18I'm going to behonest with you, hon.
00:00:20You work witha lot of freaks.
00:00:22Anyway, he'sngtransferred, and all of a sudden,i got a whole new route.
00:00:26well, I guess I'll just give these to my dad.
00:00:31You know what? I'll justeat 'em in the car.
00:00:39Wait a minute.
00:00:40How are you gonnaeat pancakes, drink coffee,and drive?
00:00:44I've eaten won ton soup driving through san franciscoon a motorcycle.
00:00:48I think I can handlea couple flapjacks.
00:00:52Could you get the door?
00:00:57Thank you.
00:01:03Darling, I was wondering whatarrangements you've made vis-a-vis yourfinal resting place.
00:01:09None. I don't planon checking out just yet.
00:01:11 that's exactlywhat my boyhood friend freddy gimpleused to say until someone shoved himunder the "l" train.
00:01:18Bet that left a mark.
00:01:20Of courseit left a mark.
00:01:21He was hit bya locomotive.
00:01:24Ok. what'syour point here, dad?
00:01:26My point is shady acres.
00:01:28I have a wonderfulplot for sale, and I'd like to offer youfirst crack at it.
00:01:33I purchased his-and-her plotsfor me and lily, and after the divorce,i got stuck with them, and unless the peopleatjake and the fat man finally decide to buyone of my ideas, I can't afford both.
00:01:44 when I die, I want to be buried next to doug.
00:01:47 like you kids are gonna make it.
00:01:52Hey, arthur. are you ready for your walk?
00:01:55Quite ready.
00:01:56Hey, listen, carrie, can I ask you something?
00:01:58Um, I know you've been out of work for a while, and--well, I was just thinking I have a lot of people who need their dogs walked, and I can't handle them all, and--i'm probably I mean, I know you were like a big secretary and everything.
00:02:10 it's just that I don't really want to be a dog walker.
00:02:13 I mean, I don't think I'm quite that desperate yet. ha ha!
00:02:17Well, I just thought I'd ask.
00:02:18You know, you can make like 100 bucks a day.
00:02:25Ok, calm down! ok, ow!
00:02:28Hang on! hang on!
00:02:44[Humming] [doorbell rings] hello.
00:02:51Did I come at a bad time?
00:02:53Not at all.
00:02:54 then if you could just give me your quick john han--ahem--cock, I'll be on my way.
00:03:01Ooh, great. these must be sally's feet.
00:03:04Huh? don't call the police.
00:03:06I'm a doll doctor.
00:03:08I take broken dolls and make them whole again.
00:03:10.. pretty creepy.
00:03:13Ok, if you could just sign here.
00:03:16Oh! mr. belvedere!
00:03:19Say hello to our new i.p.s. guy!
00:03:21Hey, why don't you show him your dance?
00:03:23He loves to dance.
00:03:24Come on! whoo! shake it!
00:03:26♪ Shake that body, you little hottie! whoo!
00:03:30whoa! oh! almost lost it.
00:03:32 that would be good.
00:03:35I get a lot of packages.
00:03:36You and I are gonna be tied at the hip.
00:03:38Whoo--oh! almost lost her again.
00:03:40All right, then. take care now.
00:03:41Hey, your pen! nah, keep it!
00:03:47 what's this opportunity of a lifetime?
00:03:51You'll see in a moment.
00:03:52Just lie back like this.
00:03:56Just do it.
00:04:03Now what?
00:04:03Picture me and you like this till the sun burns out.
00:04:07What are you talking about?
00:04:09 turns out I have an extra burial plot, and I'd like to offer you first crack at it.
00:04:15 no offense, arthur, but I plan on being married some day.
00:04:18I'm gonna want to be buried next to my wife.
00:04:20Well, that plan seems right on track.
00:04:22You're 45 and living with an iguana.
00:04:24Hey, I'm 37, and allen is my dog!
00:04:27All right, arthur, I'm not gonna buy the burial plot next to you.
00:04:30You're gonna have to find someone else.
00:04:32Hey, mom!
00:04:33I come bearing pants. ooh.
00:04:35Arth what a pleasant surprise.
00:04:39Yes. veronica.
00:04:42How come you never took me up on my dinner invitation?
00:04:46I'm sorry. I was in greenland doing research.
00:04:50Greenland. how was that?
00:04:51 turns out it's actually more of a bluish green.
00:04:55Oh. go try on your pants.
00:04:57Let me know if there's enough room in the crotch.
00:05:00He knows you have a crotch. go!
00:05:03So, what's this I hear about you selling a cemetery plot?
00:05:09Because I haven't made any arrangements for myself yet.
00:05:17 it's all the rage.
00:05:21No! I'm an old-fashioned girl.
00:05:24Now, see, this place looks very nice.
00:05:27Well, you know, it's very expensive.
00:05:30Oh! how much?
00:05:321,100, U.s.
00:05:34The timing is perfect!
00:05:37I just got a $3,000 settlement for a botched tummy tuck.
00:05:43How fortuitous.
00:05:48Welcome to shady acres.
00:06:56Ok, finish it up.
00:06:57I know women who've given birth faster than this.
00:07:03Let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go!
00:07:05Man: it's the law!
00:07:09Oh, is it? is there a law against that haircut?
00:07:12'Cause there should be.
00:07:19[Gags] ok, let's go. let's go!
00:07:25Hey, guys.
00:07:29How are you?
00:07:30I'm good. really good.
00:07:37I should throw this out.
00:07:44So, how are things at the firm?
00:07:47Great. great.
00:07:49Everybody misses you.
00:07:51Looks like you're keeping busy.
00:07:52 you know, getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me, you know?
00:07:56Yeah, I need a little break from the law thing, so now I'm doing a little dog walking.
00:08:02Anyway, I should-- I should get going.
00:08:04Should get these guys home and still have enough time to stick my head in the oven.
00:08:11Let's go. let's go.
00:08:12Great seeing you! uh-huh!
00:08:24What's up with you?
00:08:25Towel guy again.
00:08:275 Days in a row, the guy answers the door, nothing but a towel.
00:08:31It's not like he's even coming out of the shower.
00:08:33He's not even wet.
00:08:34And you'd rather see him wet?
00:08:37I don't know, ok?
00:08:38All I'm saying is one day's he's gonna get sloppy with that towel tuck, ..
00:08:43I'm in an italian deli.
00:08:45Well, I'm actually with doug on this one.
00:08:48When I was 5--ahem.
00:08:49I saw my grandmother naked once.
00:08:52To this day, it still haunts me.
00:08:53What, did you walk in on her in the bathroom?
00:08:55No. me and my brother hid in her closet.
00:09:04[Doorbell rings] come on, pants. come on, pants!
00:09:10Hey, you're late today. excuse the appearance.
00:09:13I'm doing my baking. I gotta wash up.
00:09:15 come on in.
00:09:43Doll: Mama!
00:09:45Oh, my god!
00:09:47Hey, doug? yeah, yeah?
00:09:48Could you do me a favor? sure.
00:09:49I got a box of hair up on the top shelf will you hold the ladder for me?
00:09:55Oh, uh, ok. yeah, sure.
00:10:07Hey, while you're down there, will you grab my package?
00:10:11The package you just brought me.
00:10:13I want to put it away while I'm up here.
00:10:16[WHISPERING] Thank you, God!
00:10:38Would you throw a damn card?
00:10:43 they're delicious.
00:10:47You know what else is delicious? gin.
00:10:51[Sighs] $1.80.
00:10:54When you have it.
00:10:58Spence: Hey, arthur, you ready?
00:10:59 I'll just grab my coat.
00:11:07Oh, arthur?
00:11:10 is your plot at shady acres still available?
00:11:15Why, yes, it is.
00:11:17Oh, wonderful!
00:11:18It is wonderful.
00:11:20And you are wonderful.
00:11:24Arthur, what are you doing?
00:11:26Nothing. he's my driver.
00:11:28Let's put a pin in this until tomorrow's pottery class.
00:11:35You sold that plot to my mother!
00:11:38Deal's off.
00:11:39You can't do that!
00:11:40But evelyn was miss yonkers 1957.
00:11:44I don't care. that's my mom's plot.
00:11:46Look, I have a chance to walk into the pearly gates with a bombshell.
00:11:49Just tell your mother she'll have to work it out.
00:11:52No, arthur, all right?
00:11:52Being dead next to you is all she can talk about.
00:11:55She's at the cemetery now checking it out.
00:11:57If you're gonna crush her dream, do it yourself.
00:12:05You see that building over there?
00:12:08Across the river?
00:12:09That's the building where I used to work.
00:12:12Yeah, that's right.
00:12:16And not once in all my time there did anybody ever throw up and try to eat it.
00:12:22Wow. how'd you get so many dogs?
00:12:25Oh, they're not mine. I'm just walking them.
00:12:28I wish I had one, but my mom won't let me.
00:12:31You like dogs, do you?
00:12:35Well, you know, uh, I just might be willing to let you walk mine.
00:12:41Really? yeah.
00:12:42 how about every monday, wednesday, and friday? how's that sound?
00:12:47Well, I do have hebrew school.
00:12:49 if you're not serious about this, I can find somebody who is, ok?
00:12:52No, no, no, no! I'll do it.
00:12:54All right.
00:12:55Well, if all goes well and you meet me back here ..
00:13:01A dollar!
00:13:04Thanks. yeah.
00:13:05I would've done it for free.
00:13:07[Mutters] damn it.
00:13:09All right, well, here you go.
00:13:10Here's the poop bags right there, and then there's their treats, I don't know which one, but I've just been giving it to that one.
00:13:19 all right, there you go.
00:13:21Now get on out of here. have a good time.
00:13:23We'll see you in a little bit.
00:13:24Bye-bye! scoot, scoot!
00:16:37Deacon: Hey, what's up, player?
00:16:39Yeah, how's it going?
00:16:41 'cause I'm a little short here.
00:16:45You got change?
00:16:47Very funny, guys. very mature, yeah.
00:16:49[Both chuckling] o'boyle, I really need to talk to you.
00:16:57Yeah, ok, well, you know, I'll just tell corporate that I couldn't get the quarterlies done because heffernan really needed to talk to me.
00:17:05I was just wondering if there's any way I could stop delivery to 1616 meridian street.
00:17:12Why is that?
00:17:13Well, the guy who lives there, he always answers the door in a towel.
00:17:18Oh, for god sakes!
00:17:19Heffernan, it's called a turban.
00:17:22You remember anything from sensitivity training?
00:17:24No, no, no. the towel's around his waist.
00:17:27Oh. so?
00:17:28I don't know. it's just--it's weird.
00:17:31 ok, so you don't want to deliver to weird people anymore, huh?
00:17:35Well, you know, maybe you should just make up a list of people that you'd be willing to deliver to, how about this?
00:17:42Just supermodels and bakeries.
00:17:45 I mean, I wouldn't fight you on it, either-- heffernan, I can't help you out here.
00:17:50I mean, if the guy had a vicious dog or something, then maybe I could do something for you.
00:17:53You know, he does-- he does have a dog.
00:17:56Is he vicious?
00:17:59Ok. why didn't you just say so, then?
00:18:01You don't have to go making up stories about a guy in a towel.
00:18:04Fill out this 10-17, you don't have to go there anymore.
00:18:06Great. well, thanks a lot, mr. o'boyle.
00:18:16No, no, no. no, no, no!
00:18:18You're new here. you haven't earned that!
00:18:25Veronica, there you are.
00:18:27Oh, arthur, hi!
00:18:30It's so lovely here.
00:18:33What a place to die.
00:18:35What cemetery are you at?
00:18:37 there's poor drainage.
00:18:40I have no choice but to give you a full refund.
00:18:42Oh, don't be ridiculous! I love it here.
00:18:45You'll love it till it rains and you're floating down the expressway.
00:18:49Oh, stop!
00:18:51Look, you can't have the plot.
00:18:53What are you talking about?
00:18:54I met someone else.
00:18:56Who? evelyn ross.
00:18:57You may know her as miss yonkers 1957.
00:19:01I don't believe this.
00:19:04I already paid you.
00:19:05And here's your money back.
00:19:09Where's the rest?
00:19:10You'll get it when I return a now slightly used mustache groomer to hammacher-schlemmer.
00:19:15 that sounds like another one of your lies, like when you said you were in greenland.
00:19:20I was in greenland!
00:19:21I saw you in waldbaum's!
00:19:23I had 2 days off!
00:19:27I understand that you hate me.
00:19:28What I don't get is that when you're dead, what difference does it make who you're next to?
00:19:32Open your ears! she's miss yonkers!
00:19:43You'll find another plot, I know.
00:19:45What do you care, anyway?
00:19:47I care very deeply.
00:19:51Here's one. beautiful spot.
00:19:54Right to next to bill johnson.
00:19:58 I knew a bill johnson years ago.
00:20:02I wonder if it's the same one?
00:20:04Of course it's the same one.
00:20:05How many bill johnsons could there be?
00:20:07 you know, way back when, bill and I actually had a little thing for each other, but we were both too shy to act on it.
00:20:16Well, better late than never.
00:20:18I say we go to the office and see what we can do to get you in this grave today.
00:20:31Hey, hol. what are you doing here?
00:20:32Don't you usually walk your dogs at the park on hillside?
00:20:35I do, but they found a body there, where are your dogs?
00:20:42Uh, oh!
00:20:44They were here a minute ago.
00:20:48All right, you guys!
00:20:49I'm gonna count to 10! this isn't funny!
00:20:52They're only messing with me 'cause you're here.
00:20:54 is that tan real?
00:20:58Hi, mrs. heffernan.
00:21:00Hey! what are you doing with my dogs?
00:21:03Walking them. you paid me to.
00:21:05Tsk! no one likes a liar, son.
00:21:08Shouldn't you be in hebrew school?
00:21:10Ok, carrie, what is going on here?
00:21:11That's what I'd like to know.
00:21:13All--yeah, all right, you want to know what's going on? I hate this, ok?
00:21:18That's what's going on!
00:21:19I hate dogs. I hate poop. I hate outside.
00:21:21So you're pawning them off on a 9-year-old?
00:21:24Look, he is better at this than I am.
00:21:27I mean, he walks them and washes them, [mutters] and he does it all for a dollar a day.
00:21:32A dollar a day?
00:21:35Oh! oh!
00:21:54Man: Look, it's my job, pal, all right?
00:21:57Please! please! I'll give you a doll!
00:21:59I'm just trying to do my job here, all right?
00:22:02You can't take my dog!
00:22:03This is so unfair! you cannot take my dog!
00:22:07I'm sorry, sir. no, please!
00:22:08What's going on?
00:22:09 belvedere away!
00:22:11 they said he bit someone.
00:22:14They're gonna put him to sleep!
00:22:15This guy wouldn't do that, would you?
00:22:18Me? no. that's bruce's job.
00:22:22[Sobs] this is--this is crazy.
00:22:24Mr. belvedere isn't vicious.
00:22:26He's a sweetheart.
00:22:28 aren't you-- oh, god! is he biting you?
00:22:32 we're just playing a little game of clampsy.
00:22:36Oh, jeez, he's going for the high score now.
00:22:39Look at that! all right!
00:22:43You want-- you want to try?
00:22:45No, no, thank you.
00:22:47Ok! rematch later.
00:22:48Look, someone reported him. I gotta do this.
00:22:54All right, look, it was me, all right.
00:22:57I put in the complaint.
00:22:59But why? he's been nothing but good to you.
00:23:02He danced for you! why would you do that?
00:23:04Because you come to the door in a towel!
00:23:09Not me. bruce.
00:23:11Look, you gotta let the dog go.
00:23:12All right? I officially withdraw my complaint.
00:23:15 and the next time you two have a lovers' spat, leave animal control out of it.
00:23:21 I know you didn't bite anybody.
00:23:25 he bitme pretty good just now.
00:23:28Oh, my god! you're bleeding.
00:23:32Here, take my towel.
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00:26:46[ firecrackers popping, whistling ] I thought we had a deal.
00:26:53Well, arthur, it's just that, um, well, I've met someone else.
00:26:59And I think I would prefer to be buried with him.
00:27:02I see. well, follow your heart.
00:27:06And I certainly hope you both die very soon.
00:27:08Captioning made possible bysony pictures television captioned by the nationalcaptioning institute Arthur? time foryour walk.
00:27:15Tell me, son, have you made your arrangements because I got a plot for sale, and I'd like to give you first crack at it.
00:27:23Public performance of captionsprohibited without permission of national captioning institute