The King of Queens - Shear Torture   View more episodes

Aired at 02:01 AM on Tuesday, Nov 03, 2009 (11/3/2009)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01I will get you a new light bulb, give youa fighting chance.
00:00:05And I'm getting myselfan ipod, so you can have my cd player.
00:00:08Wonderful. another one ofyour obsolete hand-me-downs.
00:00:13I'll put itnext to the betamax and my epilady.
00:00:25were you-- what? she's notthat far along.
00:00:39[Scanner beeps] [beep] [telephone rings] hello.
00:00:45[Beep] I can't talk right now.
00:00:50[Beep] !
00:00:51Well, you said thatwouldn't be a problem.
00:00:55Uh, excuse me.
00:00:57I'm kind ofin a hurry.
00:00:58You know, thiswhole blizzard thing hit, you know.
00:01:01[Beep] ok.
00:01:02Go ahead.i'm listening.
00:01:09[Beep] ma'am, please?
00:01:12I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:01:13Just looked like youneeded a little nudge there.
00:01:14 [beep] uh-huh.
00:01:20Oh, I'm sorry. I don'tthink the ipod beeped.
00:01:25Roberto, hold-- ma'am, could you pleasejust let me do my job?
00:01:35Zone one to one to base.
00:01:38O'Boyle:WHAT, HEFFERNAN?
00:01:39Yeah, this snow doesn'tlook like it's stoppin'.
00:01:42What's your location?
00:01:46Casino boulevard.
00:01:48Could be onsome guy's front lawn.
00:01:50I'm officially requesting permission for a 317.
00:01:53Heffernan, you're not abandoning your truck.
00:01:56Well, then I'm requesting permission for a 318.
00:01:59You're not opening your packages and eating the contents, either.
00:02:01 we can't shut it down till fed ex shuts it down, and those show-boaters are still out there delivering.
00:02:10Yes, sir.
00:02:16[Doorbell rings] honey?
00:02:28Hey, uh, package for philip matsumoto.
00:02:32All right.
00:02:32Wow, I didn't expect to see you out today.
00:02:36My mailman didn't even show up.
00:02:37Oh, yeah, that "neither rain nor sleet" stuff-- it's all talk.
00:02:41I need you to sign right there.
00:02:42All right. honey, my jerky came!
00:02:44 please come in.
00:02:48Oh, this is my wife miyoshi.
00:02:49Hi. doug. that's all right.
00:02:50I'm gonna probably head back out there.
00:02:52Not until you warm up. I make you hot chocolate.
00:02:57Oh, we're not supposed to.
00:02:58With marshmallows?
00:02:59You got marshmallows?
00:03:04Oh, my god. is that high-def?
00:03:07Oh, yeah. it's great.
00:03:08It is incredible. come on. sit down.
00:03:11I never realized bob barker's eyes were so blue.
00:03:15O'Boyle: Heffernan?
00:03:17Oh, thank you.
00:03:20Fed ex just shut down, so you can bring it in.
00:03:25 I think I'm gonna stick it out.
00:03:28Don't be a hero, heffernan.
00:03:30I'm not bein' a hero, sir, just an i.p.s.
00:03:35You know what goes good with hot chocolate?
00:03:37Beef jerky.
00:05:20So, arthur, are you almost done with thatcosmoquiz?
00:05:23According to this, my "appetite for sexual adventure " ..
00:05:32Anyway, I'm sorry I had to cut our walk short today, but your shoes are dry, and you finished your cocoa, so I bet you're pretty anxious to, you know, [chuckles] not at all.
00:05:45I love this place.
00:05:45You've really carved yourself out a piece of heaven.
00:05:48Well, actually, arthur, I have a date coming over, so I kinda need the place to myself.
00:05:52It's our third date, so it's time for me ..
00:05:57Start earnin' those spaghetti dinners.
00:06:01But, uh, how will I get home?
00:06:02It's a blizzard out there.
00:06:03Oh, i--i don't-- it's not so bad.
00:06:05Plus, you're a member of the polar bear club, right?
00:06:09That was just to meet girls.
00:06:10Radio: Now for any of you idiots foolish enough to be out there on the roads today, here's foreigner withcold as ice.
00:06:19Well, this idiot just scored herself a free ipod, so bye-bye.
00:06:25[Turns off radio] ok, skidding-- turn into it. turn into it.
00:06:29 [wham] [engine sputters] crap!
00:06:49Aw, poor brad and jen.
00:06:53father McDaniel.
00:06:53What's a girl gotta do to get a bible around here?
00:06:57Carrie, I must say, I'm quite impressed you'd brave this horrendous weather to come out and worship.
00:07:06Uh, my car got stuck outside.
00:07:08 " so I see you've been shopping.
00:07:12Yes, yes, I went shopping.
00:07:14Doug says that's my religion.
00:07:19But it isn't.
00:07:21Ooh! is that one of those ipods?
00:07:26Oh, I hear they're fantastic.
00:07:27You know, the bishop gave these away for christmas, but it was only for monsignor level and above.
00:07:34The rest of us got stuck with waffle irons.
00:07:38Ouch! yeah.
00:07:40Would you mind if I asked you how much you paid for that?
00:07:42How much did I pay for it?
00:07:52Come on. what are we talkin', 3 bills?
00:07:54 I'm just in a spiritual place right now.
00:07:57Do you know what I mean?
00:07:58I don't like to talk about materialistic things, especially when I could have used that money ..
00:08:03Help the poor or whatnot.
00:08:06But, carrie, you are helping.
00:08:08I mean, that ipod represents jobs for the people who made it and for the people who sell it.
00:08:14Now their families can have food on their table ..
00:08:20And hope, all because you paid for that ipod.
00:08:27And god knows that.
00:08:36Oh, yeah.
00:08:39So how you like the massage chair?
00:08:42Love it.
00:08:43Andit ain't shy.
00:08:44I'll tell you that much.
00:08:47All I have is cake. is that all right?
00:08:51[Chuckles] she's adorable.
00:08:53Oh, honey, my sister just called.
00:08:56With a baby on the way, it's not going to work out with my father.
00:09:00Well, where's he's gonna live?
00:09:01I told him he could live with us!
00:09:10Hey, that's my wallet!
00:09:16Sure. that sounds fine.
00:09:17Ohh! thank you, honey.
00:09:23We need to talk.
00:09:30 I saw you staring.
00:09:33No, no, no. you know what?
00:09:35I had my back turned to you.
00:09:36And I didn't hate that.
00:09:38 [giggles] what is it?
00:09:45The old man's starin' at us again.
00:09:47Aw, get over yourself.
00:09:50Arthur, what are you doing?
00:09:52I'm bored.
00:09:53Well, didn't you like the video I gave you?
00:09:55Big mama's house?
00:09:57I liked it better the first time when it was called 12 angry men.
00:10:00Listen, arthur, the only reason why I let you stay is because you promised me that I wouldn't even know you were here.
00:10:05Well, we both knew that was going to be impossible.
00:10:09Arthur, I really like this guy.
00:10:11I mean, he's nice, and I'm pretty sure he's not married.
00:10:16Well, after thumbing through your diary, I realize how desperate you are to find a man.
00:10:21So I'll be quiet as a church mouse.
00:10:26Thank you.
00:10:27Sorry about the interruption.
00:10:30It should be fine now.
00:10:31Mm. you know what I was thinkin'?
00:10:32Snow lets up, I'll get us some take-out from fratelli's, huh?
00:10:36Ooh, yum! huh? yeah?
00:10:38Big mistake!
00:10:40Last week I found a tooth in my antipasto.
00:10:43Well, just be quiet 'cause we're ordering from there anyway.
00:10:46Then put me down for a chicken parm.
00:10:52Oh, hey, hol.
00:10:53 remember last week when I watched sasha for you?
00:10:56Yeah. well, thanks.
00:11:03May I help you, ma'am?
00:11:05Uh, yes, I was in here a couple of hours ago, and I bought a bunch of stuff, and it turns out that I wasn't charged for this.
00:11:12So I would like to pay for it now.
00:11:14Oh, really? do you have a receipt?
00:11:16Yes, I do, and I tried to tell your cashier that it didn't beep, but, you know.
00:11:20Oh, so you knew that it wasn't paid for before you left the store.
00:11:25I see.
00:11:28You see what?
00:11:29Some people might consider that shoplifting.
00:11:33You know, I gotta tell ya, um, I'm hearin' "thief" when I should be hearin' "thank you," ok?
00:11:38And another thing, none of this would have happened if your employee of the month over there wasn't yappin' on the phone when she should have been checking me out.
00:11:46Carmen, please report to the service counter!
00:11:51This woman says you neglected to charge her for this merchandise because you were taking a personal call.
00:11:56 i wasn't on no phone.
00:12:00Oh, really? then how do I know about roberto?
00:12:05Yeah, right.
00:12:08Ok, I was just trying to get somebody to pick up my daughters from school so that they don't have to wait out in the snow.
00:12:13Well, I'm sorry, carmen, but this is just one screw-up too many.
00:12:17I'm gonna have to let you go.
00:12:18Clear out your register and see sandy for your last paycheck.
00:12:21 I didn't want to get you fired.
00:12:24 I didn't mean to get you fired.
00:12:28Oh, you didn't mean it?
00:12:29So when my babies are crying because their mama lost her job and there's no dinner on the table, I'll just say it's ok because the lady didn't mean it.
00:12:46So I made things even worse, and I think I might have lost a toe.
00:12:53Well, it's certainly unfortunate that a young mother is now without a job, but you were trying to do the right thing, and in that case, your conscience should be clear.
00:13:02Oh, thank you, father.
00:13:06"Huh" what?
00:13:08Well, there is the advice about goin' the extra mile that we receive from the beatitudes: "And whoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two, and whoever"-- I get it. I got it.
00:13:32downto bolts.
00:13:33You've got things to do.
00:13:35We've got the toolsand hardware to get them done.
00:13:39And with new lower prices all through the store.
00:13:43So you can do more fixing, replacing, fastening and updating for less.
00:13:51More saving. more doing.
00:13:53That's the powerof the home depot.
00:13:55Right now trade anypower drill, working or not, for 15% off a newlithium-ion drill.
00:16:31He'll steal change off your dresser.
00:16:32He'll hoard things like tin foil and rubber bands and lids from old jars in jars.
00:16:39And he'll eat some of his dinner and then save some in his teeth for later, sometimes weeks later.
00:16:45And the smell of old man will be in your house, your clothes, your hair forever.
00:16:52But in japanese culture, we are supposed to revere our elders.
00:16:56LOOK, I LOVE YOUR FOOD. I LOVE YOUR TVs, But on this one, you guys couldn't be wronger.
00:17:02[Sighs] honey, I just called my dad. he's so excited.
00:17:08That's--that's great, honey.
00:17:11Oh, one little thing: I think we should put him in the room upstairs.
00:17:16Well, my game stuff is upstairs.
00:17:18Can't he stay in the room off the kitchen?
00:17:19 you put all your junk in the garage.
00:17:29I'll be back.
00:17:30I'll be right here if you need me.
00:17:34Mr. pickles loves to make new friends.
00:17:39You know, if you're gonna advertise a tea party, you might want to serve tea.
00:17:44It's imaginary tea, silly.
00:17:47Yes. clearly, I'm the silly one.
00:17:52So, is your daddy still in the picture, 'cause that's the vibe I'm gettin'.
00:18:11Oh, good. I'm so glad you're here.
00:18:14 we forgot to exchange numbers so we could get together for lunch.
00:18:18 listen, listen, listen, I'm gonna talk to your boss, and if she doesn't take you back, then-- I work for a big real estate company, and they're always looking for people.
00:18:27Are you serious?
00:18:28Yeah. I want to make this right.
00:18:29What happened?
00:18:30I got fired, but this lady says that she can get me a job at a real estate company.
00:18:35This is my husband.
00:18:37Ah, the famous roberto.
00:18:43Oh, my god.
00:18:44I needed somebody to pick up the girls.
00:18:46I told you I don't want you talkin' to him.
00:18:48Ok, so what am I supposed to do?
00:18:49You're never around!
00:18:51Is the baby roberto's? just tell me.
00:18:55I don't know.
00:18:55Well, when I find roberto, we'll see how he likes talking to a baseball bat.
00:19:10[Phil and miyoshi arguing loudly in japanese] doug. doug, please.
00:19:22Tell my wife what happened when you let your father-in-law move in.
00:19:27 I truly believe I was sent here for a reason.
00:19:31So you put him up to this!
00:19:33This isn't any of your business!
00:19:40Miyoshi, come on.
00:19:44Look, I understand you're upset, I'm just sayin', I think there are other alternatives.
00:19:49Like what? putting him on the street?
00:19:51" I mean there are facilities.
00:19:55He's my father.
00:19:56[Sighs] trust me, miyoshi.
00:19:58I think I know a little something about this.
00:19:59 all you know is how to eat cake.
00:20:02Oh, see, here come the fat jokes, right on schedule.
00:20:06Well, it's true.
00:20:07Oh, you know what?
00:20:08Maybe I go to eat food because it makes me feel good.
00:20:11God forbid I get that from you.
00:20:14I'm just gonna wait in my truck.
00:20:21You know what's funny?
00:20:24They put parmesan cheese in a little packet, the red pepper in a little packet.
00:20:29And when you think about it, ravioli's just like meat in a little packet, you know?
00:20:38Did you hear what I just said?
00:20:40N--yeah, yeah.
00:20:42I--i'm sorry.
00:20:45I was talkin' about the food.
00:20:49Oh. oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
00:20:51I'm just feeling kind of badly about kicking arthur out.
00:20:53I mean he's really very sweet.
00:20:55He flipped us off.
00:20:56Yeah, but the only reason he kept that finger up so long is because of the arthritis.
00:21:01[Knock on door] Maggie: Holly!
00:21:04One second.
00:21:10Death is a natural part of life, and your daughter had a right to know that!
00:21:18So, who's up for some jenga?
00:21:21All right, that's it. you know what?
00:21:23This whole night is ridiculous.
00:21:24We can work something out, owen.
00:21:25 this is how it's gonna be-- either he's goin' or I'm goin'.
00:21:30Oh, really?
00:21:30Well, let me tell you something, omar.
00:21:32Do you really think she's gonna choose some washed-up pretty boy over someone who's been her friend, her mentor, her-- [vacuum whirring] [turns vacuum off] who eats rice cakes in a church?
00:21:57Oh! back again?
00:21:58Carrie, I'm gonna have to start charging you rent.
00:22:01Oh, that's funny.
00:22:02You should be a comedian because the priest thing, not workin' out for ya.
00:22:06Uh, carrie, I'm sensing-- bup bup bup bup!
00:22:11Ok, so far, your little quotes and your advice has lost a woman her job, a man named roberto may be dead, and I will never, ever, ever enjoy this ipod.
00:22:22So what are you gonna do with it?
00:22:29I'm just saying that ipod seems to be the root of all your problems.
00:22:33 augustine-- oh, just take it!
00:22:38Bless you.
00:22:39I'm just gonna sit here and wait for triple " ..
00:22:44I got a wedding scheduled, gotta start setting up, ..
00:22:54[Turns vacuum on] captioning made possible bysony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute I I've got some catchphrases that'll make these savings even more memorable.
00:23:12 now that's ..?
00:23:13Boss: how 'bout this?
00:23:16..they're the bee's knees?
00:23:17Boss: or this?
00:23:20 sir, how 'bout just "fifteen minutes could save you " ha, yeah, good luck with that catching on!
00:23:26 fifteen minutescould save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
00:23:33What makes a hershey's bar pure?
00:23:35Pure togetherness.
00:23:37["Melt with you" playing] pure friendship.
00:23:42Pure delicious chocolate.
00:23:45Pure hershey's.
00:26:07withthe good choice.
00:26:10Only meineke lets you choosethe service that's ..
00:26:12For you, your car,and your budget.
00:26:14At meineke,you're always the driver.
00:26:19So I sent this poor old man out into a blizzard all because I was blinded by-- by carnal lust.
00:26:27What should I do as my penance?
00:26:30[Music playing over headphones] father?