Everybody Hates Chris - Everybody Hates Playboy   View more episodes

Aired at 02:00 AM on Saturday, May 08, 2010 (5/8/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:01Uh... Huh? Uh...
00:00:03I-I thought I saw a spider crawl under here, and I figured I'd better kill it before Drew saw it.
00:00:09Oh, well, I'm going to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner.
00:00:12I'll get a can of bug spray, too.
00:00:14Did you fix the dresser yet?
00:00:16Uh, got the Crazy Glue right here.
00:00:19Oh, good.
00:00:21You okay?
00:00:22CHRIS ROCK: No.
00:00:28The only place my father hadn't looked for thatPlayboy was in his own room.
00:00:33Then he realized that if my mother found it, she could be saving it to use against him.
00:00:37Rochelle, why'd you spend all this money on a coat?
00:00:44Miss June has one.
00:01:13you want, Tito?
00:01:16I need the magazine back.
00:01:17You need to get out of here, before I knock your teeth out.
00:01:19Listen, my dad's going to kill me if I don't get it back.
00:01:22Too bad.
00:01:23I sold it.
00:01:24See you at your funeral, Slappy.
00:01:28After my father found that money, he was scared to think what my mother might want to do with it.
00:01:34I'm sick of you.
00:01:35I got my own money.
00:01:36I'm out of here, you cheap bastard!
00:01:43Don't leave me, baby.
00:01:45Don't leave.
00:01:47Can you explain this?
00:01:50Where did you find that?
00:01:51In your shoe. Well, what were you doing in my shoe?
00:01:53Oh, don't try to change the subject.
00:01:55What's $500 doing in your shoe?
00:01:58Where'd you get this?
00:01:59That doesn't make a difference.
00:02:01I want to know why you were going through my stuff.
00:02:03I don't go through your stuff.
00:02:05Yes, she does.
00:02:06He just never caught her.
00:02:07Rochelle, that's not the point.
00:02:08I just want to know about this money.
00:02:10You meanmymoney? What you mean your money?
00:02:12I made it, I saved it, so it's my money.
00:02:14t meet this straight.
00:02:15The money I make, that's everybody's money, but the money you make, that's your money?
00:02:22That's right.
00:02:26Hey, any of you guys see my copy ofPlayboy?
00:02:28It was here about ten minutes ago, but some eighth grader took it.
00:02:32Hey, look over there.
00:02:33They were huddled up like they were going to run the winning play at the Super Bowl.
00:02:40What are you doing?
00:02:41Hey, calm down. You want to take a look?
00:02:42It's $1.00.
00:02:43Yeah, but it's my magazine. Caruso took it.
00:02:46And that's my problem?
00:02:47Alright, who wants to look next?
00:02:49Hey, Chris!
00:03:07To whom does this belong?
00:03:08It used to belong to me.
00:03:12Well, then.
00:03:13Until we figure out who brought this into our school, I guess it belongs to me.
00:03:18♪♪ Everybody hates Chris. ♪♪
00:05:42do well.
00:05:42And eating well means getting enough whole grain and calcium.
00:05:44General mills big g is the only leading line of kid cereals with at least 8 grams tof whole grain and a good source of calcium.
00:05:50Help your kids get more of what they need, with general mills kid cereals.
00:06:56What's all that bug spray in the kitchen for?
00:06:58There's a spider in your room.
00:07:00There's a spider in my room?
00:07:01Can I sleep with you and Dad tonight until you guys catch it?
00:07:04No. Your father will kill it.
00:07:06When Tonya discovered Drew was scared of spiders, she couldn't wait to use it against him.
00:07:11Julius, can you make sure you kill the spider, please?
00:07:14I might not be able to find it.
00:07:16Could be hiding in one of your shoes.
00:07:20(shrieks) It's my hand.
00:07:23Julius, how come you're acting so childish about this?
00:07:26I mean, how would you feel if somebody went through your stuff and took something that belonged to you?
00:07:31What are you talking about?
00:07:32I don't have nothing to take.
00:07:33I'm just saying. I mean, what if Chris went through your stuff and took something without asking?
00:07:36Why'd you pick me? Why didn't you pick Drew or Tonya?
00:07:39Why you acting so suspicious?
00:07:40Who's suspicious? It's not me, I'm not suspicious.
00:07:42Well, you sure as hell acting like it.
00:07:44Eat your food.
00:07:48(gasps ) Later that night I discovered my father knew hisPlayboywas missing.
00:07:55You been in my toolbox?
00:07:59No. Why?
00:08:03Those tools will hurt you.
00:08:04If Miss June knew how much trouble she was causing, she wouldn't be smiling.
00:08:09Drew. Have you seen, uh...
00:08:14...anything... unusual around here lately?
00:08:18Like what, a UFO?
00:08:20Now, why would a UFO...?
00:08:24Never mind.
00:08:28He even started to grill Tonya.
00:08:31Tonya, baby?
00:08:34Yes, Daddy?
00:08:43I love you.
00:08:45That's nice.
00:08:47The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.
00:09:00Now get out of here, before I call a cop.
00:09:02For what? You just robbed me!
00:09:04This don't cost $3.50.
00:09:05Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy aPlayboy?
00:09:09Hey, Miss June was fine, but she wasn't worth going to jail.
00:09:14(sighs) My last option was to go to Risky.
00:09:17Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop.
00:09:21He'd get you liquor.
00:09:23It's for my uncle.
00:09:24Yeah, don't drink it all at once.
00:09:26He'd get you cigarettes.
00:09:28It's for my mother.
00:09:29Yeah, don't smoke them all at once.
00:09:31He could even get you plutonium.
00:09:33(box clicking) It's for my daughter.
00:09:35Donotuse this all at once.
00:09:37So I figured I wouldn't have a problem.
00:09:42I ain't selling you noPlayboymagazine.
00:09:44Boy, what you think this is?
00:09:46I know your mama. Now how do you think she'd feel if she knew you were out here trying to buy aPlayboymagazine? Now if you want to buy beer or cigarettes, that's one thing.
00:09:53APlayboymagazine? You better keep on moving.
00:09:57Tell your mama I said hey.
00:10:00I want Wild Cherry to win in the fifth race at Saratoga.
00:10:05If I was going to ge thePlayboyback, there was only one way to do it.
00:10:10I've got to steal it from the vice principal's office.
00:10:12Dude, wait. That's burglary.
00:10:14I know that.
00:10:15Do you want me to commit burglary or be a victim of murder?
00:10:17Okay, but if we're going outside the law, we've got to do it right.
00:10:22♪♪ Who's watching? ♪♪
00:10:25♪♪ Oh-ho-oh ♪♪
00:10:26♪♪ Tell me who's watching ♪♪
00:10:28♪♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪♪
00:10:30♪♪ Who's watching? ♪♪
00:10:33♪♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪♪
00:10:34♪♪ Tell me who's watching ♪♪
00:10:35♪♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪♪
00:10:37♪♪ I always feel like somebody's watching me ♪♪
00:10:45♪♪ I always feel like somebody's watching me ♪♪
00:10:53♪♪ Who's watching? ♪♪
00:10:55♪♪ Tell me who's watching... ♪♪
00:10:58That's it then.
00:11:00Every day she goes to lunch in the teachers' lounge after fifth period.
00:11:03She smokes exactly three cigarettes, which takes 20 minutes.
00:11:06All we have to do is get in, find the magazine, and get out before she gets back.
00:11:10Except we don't know where the magazine is.
00:11:12Fischer told me it was in the bottom left-hand drawer of her desk.
00:11:16I hope he's right.
00:11:16Don't worry, Fischer knows everything.
00:11:19What if we get caught?
00:11:21Then we're dead.
00:11:22really hoping you weren't gonna say that.
00:11:24Don't worry. I'll go in and get it.
00:11:27It's my magazine.
00:11:28All you have to do is look out and give me a signal if you see anybody coming.
00:11:32I hope this works.
00:11:34Me, too.
00:11:35(loud shouting over TV) Drew, guess what I found?
00:11:40(annoyed): What?
00:11:43What the hell is going on in here?
00:11:46Tonya has a spider.
00:11:47No, I don't.
00:11:48Tonya, what are you hiding?
00:11:50It's just a ring.
00:11:53Leave Drew alone.
00:11:54Would you like it if he went around scaring you all the time?
00:11:57He can't scare me.
00:13:26we throw out over $500in food every year.
00:13:29Help save more of it withnew ziploc freezer ..
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00:14:58What's this?
00:14:59My five hundred dol...
00:15:01I meanour$500.
00:15:03So why you giving it to me now?
00:15:05'Cause I don't want to fight anymore.
00:15:11I don't want to fight anymore either.
00:15:13But why'd you feel you had to hide money from me?
00:15:16I wasn't really hiding it.
00:15:17I was just keeping it in a safe place just in case something happened. Something like what?
00:15:22Julius, you work hard, and we barely make ends meet now.
00:15:25I mean, God forbid something happens to you.
00:15:29I mean, you could get hit by a postal truck or a gas truck.
00:15:33Get run over by a car, get high blood pressure, get the flu, gout, pneumonia, scoliosis, scurvy...
00:15:44You could fall off a building, trip off the escalator, get jumped, get stabbed, you could get MS, ALS, CHP, CCBD.
00:15:57What's that?
00:15:58I don't know, but it sounds like it'll kill you.
00:16:00Oh, baby, I just wanted a cushion to fall back on, that's all.
00:16:06Is that all?
00:16:09Come here.
00:16:17Take your money, put it away.
00:16:21I'm sorry.
00:16:28(laughs) (kissing) You go in my shoe again, I'm going to knock your ass out.
00:16:35(both laugh) (screaming) JULIUS: You got that?!
00:16:51And if I ever catch you scaring your sister or wearing lipstick again, we going to have a problem.
00:16:55You hear me?
00:16:57All right, baby, you can go back to bed now.
00:17:00I changed your sheets.
00:17:04You ready?
00:17:10The range is only 100 feet, so I'll stay close.
00:17:42Come on. The hallway's getting empty.
00:17:44I can't stay out here much longer. I'm hurrying!
00:17:47Just keep an eye out!
00:18:02I've got it.
00:18:07Abort, abort!
00:18:08Perimeter not secure!
00:18:10Oh, no!
00:18:16Forget it.
00:18:21Well, I guess we know to whom this magazine belongs.
00:18:26The last place I wanted my father to find hisPlayboy was at my school.
00:18:30I confiscated this.
00:18:35Well, what does Chris have to do with that?
00:18:37Somebody brought it to the school, and I believe it was your son.
00:18:43Is this true?
00:18:44I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality.
00:18:54Well, I'm waiting.
00:18:58Oh, Lord, have mercy.
00:18:59Hey, it's just Playboy.I mean, it really doesn't matter.
00:19:04Boys will be boys.
00:19:04Is that all you have to say? "Boys will be boys"?!
00:19:08Chris, where did you get aPlayboyfrom, anyway?
00:19:13That look means, "Boy, I know I've never asked you to lie, but please don't tell your mother that that's myPlayboy." I found it?
00:19:25Usually, I would suspend you for this sort of behavior, but I think this is best handled by the parents.
00:19:30And you best believe we're going to handle it, right, Julius?
00:19:34Yeah, we going to handle this.
00:19:35I'll take that.
00:19:37What you going to do with it?
00:19:38Here's what he really wanted to do.
00:19:45(horn honking) I'll dispose of it.
00:19:52Yeah, that's, that's a good idea.
00:19:55Disposing is good.
00:19:57Come out here, boy. (grunts) One of the ways I always tried to avoid getting beatings was pretending to be asleep.
00:20:06Get up, boy.
00:20:07You ain't fooling nobody.
00:20:08I'm sorry I took your magazine, Dad.
00:20:12You shouldn't take other people's things, Chris.
00:20:16That's why I put it away.
00:20:17But more than that, you're too young for that kind of stuff.
00:20:21Yeah, but it's just pictures.
00:20:22Look how much trouble "just pictures"caused you.
00:20:24You got chased by a mob, your mama's mad at you and you almost got kicked out of school.
00:20:28That's when I discovered that even if they're made of paper, the wrong kind of woman can really mess up your life.
00:20:34Look, I know you're interested in girls, but there's a lot for you to learn first.
00:20:39If you never need anything, you can talk to me.
00:20:42But don't go in my toolbox.
00:20:44After that, my father started hiding things in his fish tackle box.
00:20:47I never told him I found it the next day.
00:20:50I promise.
00:20:51Things didn't turn out that bad, though.
00:20:53I made $28 off thatPlayboy.
00:20:58My magazine, my money.
00:21:00Here, you can keep that.
00:21:03♪♪ Everybody hates Chris. ♪♪
00:21:10k CHRIS: Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that g to faraway places was something that only rich people did.
00:21:22At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.
00:21:28Class, I have an announcement.
00:21:30We're all going on a field trip to Washington, Dc.
00:21:34(kids murmur excitedly) You just need to have your parents sign your permission slips and sell 30 boxes of cookiesto cover the cost of the trip.
00:21:46If your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.
00:21:50She acts like it's caviar.
00:21:52It's just cookies, damn.
00:21:54How are we goi Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.
00:22:01I'd like to sit you under a bus.
00:22:03Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION and UPN and made possible by VOLKSWAGEN.
00:22:13On the road of life, there are passengersand there are drivers.
00:22:20Drivers wanted.
00:24:10Hi, jay bush and duke here to introduce ...whoa...
00:24:13You can't tell everyone about new black bean fiesta.
00:24:16But it's perfectly cooked black beans, in a zesty "south of the border" chipotle sauce with red and green peppers, onion, and crisp corn.
00:24:23A bold new taste.
00:24:24 but I want people to think I'm a great cook.
00:24:27So hide.
00:24:28Delicious! can I have your recipe?
00:24:31Your secret is safe with me.
00:24:34New bush's black bean fiesta.
00:24:36And try new texas ranchero, along with our other grillin' beans flavors.
00:25:30Happy anniversary.
00:25:32What's this?
00:25:33Oh, baby, you didn't have to get me anything!
00:25:36CHRIS: Oh, yes, he did.
00:25:38My father learned thatthe hard way.
00:25:39You're the one that told menot to get you nothing!
00:25:43(grunts) What you stab me for?!
00:25:48And it was just Arbor Day.
00:25:50Go ahead, open it.
00:25:51Let's see what you got me.
00:25:53This is sosweet, baby.
00:25:59Oh, baby!
00:26:02How did you get ticketstoDreamgirls?
00:26:05These are expensive.
00:26:06It's okay,I got them from Risky.
00:26:10My father has gotten tickets from Risky before-- for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.
00:26:18What happened? (bell ringing) Who's down? What happened? Man!
00:26:21He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.
00:26:25What's she wearing?
00:26:26Did she throw her shoe yet?
00:26:27(screams) I got Patti's shoe!
00:26:30I got Patti's shoe!
00:26:31Smell it!
00:26:32Yes, Patti, I love you, girl!
00:26:35Don't worry, we're gonnahave a good time, okay?
00:26:38We are! We're gonna have a good time!
00:26:41Thank you, baby.
00:26:42You are the sweetest man in the world.
00:26:44Tonya, breakfast!
00:26:46Mama, I think something bit me.
00:26:49No, baby, I don't think these are bites.
00:26:53You've got chicken pox.
00:26:55Who gave her chicken pox?
00:26:57Wasn't me.
00:26:58JULIUS:Want me to get the Robitussin?
00:27:00No, I don't think Robitussin's gonna help this.
00:27:03Look, Chris and Drew, I don't need y'all getting sick, so I need y'all to stay away from Tonya.
00:27:08That's like saying stay away from a serial killer.
00:27:10Okay. Okay.
00:27:11CHRIS: Mom.
00:27:12Did you sign my permission slip?
00:27:13It's in your book, baby.
00:27:15Permission for what?
00:27:16A field trip to Washington, DC.
00:27:18I need to sell cookies so I can go.
00:27:20Can you take a few boxes to work?
00:27:23Oh, I'm sorry, Chris, but I can't ask these people to buy nothing else.
00:27:27I've sold Avon for your mother, wrapping paper for Tonya, chocolate bars for Drew...
00:27:33No, no, no.
00:27:35I'll tell you what.
00:27:37I'll buy two boxes for myself to get you started.
00:27:40The rest, you're gonna have to handle yourself.
00:27:42Thanks, Dad.
00:27:43With at least 100,000 people living in Bed-Stuy, selling 28 boxes of cookies couldn't be that hard.
00:27:56She said she was 18!
00:28:07BOTH: Would you like to buy...
00:28:11Never mind.
00:28:14Would you like to buy some cookies?
00:28:17I'll take four.
00:28:19What are you doing?!
00:28:21He has diabetes.
00:28:22You trying to kill him?
00:28:23I can't believe it's harder selling cookies than crack.
00:28:27My mother told us to stay away from Tonya, but it was too late for Drew.
00:28:33You're gonna make it worse, boy.
00:28:35Stop scratching.
00:28:36Why don't she just tell him to stop growing hair?
00:28:39But it itches.
00:28:41Sit over here.
00:28:45Mama, my booty itches.
00:28:47Oh, come here.
00:28:48Let me see.
00:28:49See, baby, you can't scratch, you got to pat.
00:28:53Does that feel better? Yes.
00:28:54All right, go back to bed, okay?
00:28:57Let me see.
00:28:59Ooh, 100 degrees, that's not so bad.
00:29:01Here, lay down, get some rest.
00:29:02I'll come check on you later.
00:29:04And stop scratching.
00:29:05You're making me itch.
00:29:11You find anyone?
00:29:12Nobody wants to baby-sit kids with chicken pox.