The Simpsons - Little Orphan Millie   View more episodes

Aired at 12:00 AM on Wednesday, Jan 27, 2010 (1/27/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:04(horn honking) D'oh!
00:00:11(screams) Captioning snsored by 20Th century @vg2 >>ñ÷ (gasps) There's a bee on Maggie.
00:02:29Okay, Maggie, just calmly and carefully back away.
00:02:36(muffled screaming) (yells) Blueberries!
00:02:39(whimpering) (grunting) (muffled grunting) I told you not to mock me at picnics.
00:02:50(grunts) Uh, attention, everyone.
00:02:53Uh, Luann and I have some big news.
00:02:56Is it that you're brother and sister?
00:02:57Because you really look a lot alike.
00:03:00Half-brother and half-sister?
00:03:02Siamese twins who've been surgically separated?
00:03:04No. We're getting remarried.
00:03:06Oh, that's great.
00:03:08Ooh, cool.
00:03:08Way to go.
00:03:09Many happy returns.
00:03:10This is so awesome.
00:03:12Finally you guys will stop using me as a pawn in your fights.
00:03:16Milhouse, you're not a pawn.
00:03:19I know, I know.
00:03:20Did your father say you were?
00:03:22No. I swear.
00:03:23I made it up.
00:03:24Like kids do.
00:03:25Well, now that we're a family again, you can stop your lying.
00:03:31Hmm. Hmm.
00:03:33The wedding's in 20 minutes.
00:03:35Just pick a tie.
00:03:36Mm. There are so many choices.
00:03:39Bolo? Clip-on? Piano keys?
00:03:41Ten Commandments of Beer?
00:03:43The cornerstones of the Brewish faith.
00:03:45Why don't you wear a tie that goes with my eyes?
00:03:49And what color would that be?
00:03:52You don't know what color my eyes are?!
00:03:54Of course I know.
00:03:56No peeking.
00:03:58I'm waiting.
00:04:01You really don't know, do you?
00:04:03Is "beautiful" a color?
00:04:06Marge, give me a break.
00:04:07I don't notice the color of people's eyes.
00:04:09I just judge them on the color of their skin.
00:04:12Fine. (grunts) Since the color-- ah!-- of my eyes isn't-- ooh!-- important to you-- aah!-- then you don't get to-- Mmm!-- see them until you-- ow!-- remember.
00:04:22(groans) ("Wedding March" playing) She's wearing white?
00:04:34She must have rolled the odometer back to zero.
00:04:38(laughing) So you're good at noticing dress colors, but not the eyes that make your dinner.
00:04:46(moans) We are gathered here in the sight of God and this unsafe-for-swimming beach to celebrate the holy un-divorcing of Kirk and Luann.
00:04:58Ow! What the...?
00:04:59Little help?
00:05:02(grunts) (laughter) Spaz.
00:05:05Do you, Kirk, take Luann to re-have and re-hold?
00:05:11I do.
00:05:11And do you, Luann, take Kirk-- despite the fact that he is fundamentally the same man that you said in court was unfit to load your dishwasher?
00:05:19Whose very touch repulsed you?
00:05:22Uh, your...
00:05:22Whose many annoying...
00:05:23Uh, you're reading an early draft of our vows.
00:05:26Just say "I do." I do.
00:05:28You may now kiss the bride.
00:05:29But make it quick.
00:05:30The seagulls have gotten into the hors d'oeuvres.
00:05:32(seagulls screeching) My friends, do not eat.
00:05:35Is made with seagull meat.
00:05:37(ship horn blaring) See you in a week, Milhouse.
00:05:39Have fun at the Simpsons'.
00:05:41If you don't like Mrs. Simpsons' cooking, you have your "mommy meals." I got 'em. Mm, mm.
00:05:45Why does every kid who stays with us bring "mommy meals"?
00:05:49So I put pineapple in my potato salad.
00:05:52Live a little, huh?
00:05:55That's why, to this day, you never see a shark with monkey arms.
00:06:02Great story, Mr. Simpson.
00:06:04But why do all your bedroom stories have commercials in them for The Container Store?
00:06:07Because if I do it enough, maybe they'll start to pay me.
00:06:13Sleep tight.
00:06:13The Container Store, now at five convenient locations.
00:06:16Ah... now that my mom and dad are back together, I'm happy every day.
00:06:20I can't wait to wake up so tomorrow can start.
00:06:24(snoring) ♪ ♪
00:06:35(laughing) Whoa...
00:06:37(laughing) Uh-uh-uh.
00:06:40we're gonna start this marriage off right.
00:06:42This time,I'mgonna carryyou over the threshold.
00:06:49(crying out) (yelling) (splashing) Dear God!
00:06:55I need more nickels!
00:06:59Luann, is that you nibbling on my knee?
00:07:04Check it out, an animal hole.
00:07:09Where does it go?
00:07:10Only one way to find out.
00:07:19Ah...! Tarantulas!
00:07:21I'll save you, Baby Burps-A-Lot.
00:07:24(burping repeatedly) Ah...! Spider burps!
00:07:27(yelling) (laughing) This week is the best.
00:07:34I don't care if my parents ever come back.
00:07:37(sad, melodramatic music plays) (tires screech) (doorbell rings) (laughing) Milhouse Van Houten?
00:07:53(laughing): Yes?
00:07:55Son, your parents have been lost at sea.
00:07:59I'm sorry.
00:08:00Oh, my God!
00:08:01I said I didn't care if they ever came back!
00:08:04This ismyfault!
00:08:06(sobbing) Drown, monster, drown!
00:08:11(laughing) Hey, who died?
00:08:15My parents, probably.
00:08:18So you guysaren't ice cream men?
00:09:55Look at the menu, it's amazing.
00:10:00I'm starving.
00:10:02[Mission impossible music begins]!
00:10:07It's gonna be lobster.
00:10:08Announcer: Chase conveniently has over 15,000 atms from coast to coast.
00:10:11Oh, my gosh, look at the desserts.
00:10:13So, what are you going to have?
00:10:16Announcer: Chase checking.
00:10:18Are you ok?
00:10:18Announcer: Welcome to banking with chase.
00:10:20Chase what matters.
00:10:56If my parents are lost at sea, are you gonna find 'em?
00:11:01We'll try, but have you ever been to the sea?
00:11:06And we have to search all of them-- 'cause they all, you know, connect.
00:11:09(moans) Don't worry, boy.
00:11:11They'll find your parents soon.
00:11:12And until they do, you can stay here.
00:11:15Andwe'll move your bedtime to an hour later, so you'll have more time to be alone with your thoughts.
00:11:23(eating noises) Hey, come on.
00:11:29Why don't you cheer up with a glass of Ocean Spray?
00:11:32(chuckles nervously) Oh, boy-- forget that.
00:11:35How about some...
00:11:36Cap'n Crunch?
00:11:37Uh, Seven Seas Italian dressing?
00:11:40Ooh! No, no!
00:11:41Uh, Chicken of the Sea tuna?
00:11:43Billy Ocean CD?
00:11:43The History of Atlantic Records?
00:11:46Stop naming things!
00:11:48I want to, but I can't!
00:11:49Then go to Moe's!
00:11:50Good idea.
00:11:51I'll drown my sorrows in Anchor Steam Beer.
00:11:53(stammering): Oh! I'm sorry...
00:11:58Why don't we do something special for you-- get you all snazzed up.
00:12:02Like I'm going to a funeral?
00:12:04No! Don't talk like that!
00:12:06There's always hope.
00:12:07We just wanted to let you know, we've stopped searching.
00:12:10(irritated growl) This'll cheer you up.
00:12:13I'll let you kill me in Bar Brawl Four: Final fracas.
00:12:16(grunting) Take that I'll cut ya...!
00:12:19Uh-oh. I slipped on some blood.
00:12:20I'mtotallyvulnerable to a full-body jukebox slam.
00:12:25Oh, come on, it's easy.
00:12:27Just push A, B, up, up, left trigger, right trigger, and both triggers at once.
00:12:31(sighs) Isn't there already enough pain in this world?
00:12:34Let's just pay the check and go.
00:12:41(crying softly) (crying softly) Thanks, Mags.
00:12:54I could use a pick-me-up.
00:13:03Oh, my God.
00:13:04I've become the world's oldest baby.
00:13:07Men don't get their moo-moo from a ba-ba.
00:13:11They get their moo-moo from a big-boy cup!
00:13:17I can't be a baby anymore.
00:13:19I'm alone now.
00:13:21I have to be a man!
00:13:23Thanks, Mags.
00:13:32Homer: Where is it?
00:13:32(frustrated grunt) I gotta find out what color Marge's eyes are.
00:13:38Ah... Cha-ching!
00:13:40(grunting) Oh!
00:13:44Oh, Marge, darling, what's the combination to our wedding album?
00:13:48Marge: Our anniversary!
00:13:55All right, Dragon's Eye, may your path be true and your caroms many.
00:14:00Just shoot!
00:14:01Sherri: Uh-oh, it's rolling towards that loner!
00:14:04Who is it?
00:14:09(impressed gasps) It's Milhouse!
00:14:11That's not the Milhouse I know.
00:14:14You know Milhouse.
00:14:17Okay, everyone.
00:14:17My best friend is a little messed up, so everyone be extra nice to him.
00:14:22Hey, loser, your mom called.
00:14:24She said "Glub, glub." (gasping) One day, you'll be more haunted by those words than I am.
00:14:32Why aren't you crying?
00:14:34I wish Icouldcry.
00:14:36Tears would cleanse my soul.
00:14:38Oh, Milhouse!
00:14:40(giggles) You're very brave.
00:14:43Go ahead, beat me up.
00:14:45Maybe then I'll feel something.
00:14:47(impressed exclaiming) (menacing music plays) Eh, what's the point?
00:14:57Milhouse, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
00:15:01I always wanted you to hold my hand, Lisa.
00:15:03And now that you are, I'm too numb to feel anything.
00:15:07It's like you're wearing oven mitts and I'm in my winter parka.
00:15:10(swooningly): That's so poetic.
00:15:12Looks like you're not the coolest kid in school anymore.
00:15:16Hey, I'm happy to see Milhouse get some hand-on-hand action.
00:15:19Butno oneis cooler than Bartholomew J. Simpson.
00:15:24(ominously): See ya at lunch.
00:15:28Anyone want to sit over here?
00:15:31You can have my pizza crust.
00:15:32Young man, you look like you enjoy fun and excitement.
00:15:35Please, Bart, you're embarrassing yourself.
00:15:42(tires screech) Milhouse, call me if you need to talk.
00:15:49If you want to come to my place, I've got a squirrel in a shoebox.
00:15:54I'm just sayin'...
00:15:55Thanks, but I want to take a walk alone...
00:15:58Boys: Whoa!
00:16:00...and work some stuff out.
00:16:02(girls swooning) Come on!
00:16:04Look at me,I'mcool.
00:16:07I've got my backpack on frontwards, and I'm krumping!
00:16:11(grunting) Check it out!
00:16:16Th image has not been sped up.
00:16:20There's a time for krumping, and this isn't it.
00:16:23(tires screech) I'll krump with you, sweetie pie.
00:16:33(grunting) well, I just got high speed internet from at&t.
00:17:02It's really fast. yeah? what's that like?
00:17:07( screaming ) ( whimpering ) Kinda like that.
00:17:1795 ..
00:17:20For 12 months withqualifying services and a 1-year term.
00:18:59♪ spread a little somethin' to remember ♪
00:19:04♪ spread a little joy and see ♪
00:19:06♪ need a little happinessto be ♪
00:19:09♪ living the life with me ♪
00:19:15Oh, my God.
00:19:17Look at these poll numbers.
00:19:19Ay, caramba!
00:19:21Oh, man.
00:19:22Milhouse has gone from being a comic figure to a tragic one.
00:19:25If he could go back to being happy, I could go back to being cool.
00:19:29(knocking) Homer: Boy, stop talking to yourself.
00:19:31Your thoughts should stay in your head.
00:19:33Heh, heh, I sure told him.
00:19:34Now what am I going to do about Marge?
00:19:38Let's see.
00:19:39Milhouse would be happy again if he had family to take care of him.
00:19:43Family, family.
00:19:45Every Christmas...
00:19:46Milhouse gets Danish butter cookies from...
00:19:49Solvang, California...
00:19:51where he has a beloved un...
00:19:57Directory assistance for Solvang, a little bit of Denmark on California's central coast.
00:20:03We have three Van Houtens.
00:20:04Fine, I'll call three numbers.
00:20:07What are they?
00:20:08Butter cookie 8-2147, Hans Christian Anderson 5-5166, and Aquavit 3-2599.
00:20:22(wheels squeal) Okay, so which one of these losers is Milhouse's Uncle Norbert?
00:20:31Norbert? Norbert?
00:20:33Oh, this guy's a total Norbert.
00:20:35Norbert? I wish.
00:20:36My name is Gaylord Q. Tinkledink.
00:20:39(Tinkledink humming) (man laughing) Oh, yeah.
00:20:47(wheels screeching) Bart, I'm Norbert Van Houten, but everyone calls me Zack.
00:20:52You'reUncle Norbert?
00:20:54Well, I'm one of the Danish Van Houtens, not the Dutch Van Houtens.
00:20:58Now, my nephew Milhouse needs me and I'm here for him.
00:21:01And I'm here to find my nephew Nerdletaub Z. Pantybottom.
00:21:05(laughing nervously): Let us join forces.
00:21:08(grunts) Ow!
00:21:09(gasping): Would you be my uncle?
00:21:11No, but have a butter cookie.
00:21:19(sighs) Milhouse, there's someone who wants to see you.
00:21:26Uncle Zack?
00:21:26Milhouse, your parents may be gone, but I'm here for you now.
00:21:30Well, I don't need you.
00:21:33I've learned to take care of myself.
00:21:36I see.
00:21:36You've become quite a young man-- self-reliant, mature.
00:21:39You've shed your Dutch ways and become a true Dane.
00:21:42But, uh, perhaps you're not too cool to give your uncle a hug?
00:21:49I promise you won't be alone anymore, son.
00:21:57And that takes care of that.
00:21:59(girls sobbing) Oh, man, now he's even more popular.
00:22:04He's troubled, but I can save him.
00:22:07Oh, for crying out loud.
00:22:10Oh, I'll never remember what color Marge's eyes are.
00:22:15Uh... brown? No.
00:22:18Orange? No.
00:22:22(moans sadly) (laughs) Well, well, look who's strolling down Alzheimer Avenue.
00:22:27You used to know everything about that wife of yours, even wrote a song about her.
00:22:33A song?
00:22:34(gasps) Wait, it's coming back to me.
00:22:38(guitar strumming) ♪ The girl I love's got beautiful hair ♪
00:22:44♪ A blue bouffant ♪
00:22:46♪ From here to there ♪
00:22:49♪ Snow white teeth and lips so red ♪
00:22:51♪ She's the Wilma to my Fred ♪
00:22:56♪ Oh, the girl I love's got beautiful... ♪
00:22:58(gasping): ♪ Eyes ♪
00:23:00♪ When happy, they sparkle, when sad, they cries ♪
00:23:04♪ Those eyes are gems beyond appraisal ♪
00:23:06♪ Stunning shade of purest... ♪
00:23:08Oh, what is it?
00:23:09I was so close.
00:23:10Let's see, what rhymes with appraisal?
00:23:12Basil, nasal.
00:23:14None of these are colors.
00:23:16Oh, it's hopeless.
00:23:17She'll never love me again.
00:23:20Oh, Homie.
00:23:20I'd forgotten that beautiful song you wrote for me.
00:23:29Your eyes are hazel.
00:23:32Hazel like the pussy willows by the pond where we first kissed, like the almond paste in the bear claw I ate after we first made love.
00:23:40(guitar strumming) Milhouse, that was a perfect landing.
00:23:53Oh, did you remember to cut off the gas flow?
00:23:56The what?
00:23:58(both laughing) Zack: Oh, yeah.
00:24:02Lis, I don't get it.
00:24:04Why does Milhouse's happiness make me sad?
00:24:07Bart, Bart, Bart.
00:24:08You're worried you're losing Milhouse, and love is a selfish thing.
00:24:13Shut up! I don't love Milhouse.
00:24:15Oh, really?
00:24:15The more you deny it, the more I know it's true.
00:24:17Oh, yeah? Well, when you're mean, I'm a trampoline, so everything you said goes back and hits your ugly head.
00:24:23(laughs) God, that was lame.
00:24:26Where did you get that?
00:24:28(sobbing): From Milhouse!
00:24:30Oh, I love him so much!
00:24:32Aw, it's okay.
00:24:33Principal skinner: Students, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
00:24:37The coolest student in school, Milhouse Van Houten, is leaving us.
00:24:41(all gasp) He and his uncle, who is also very cool, will be returning to Solvang forever via hot air balloon.
00:24:48Our trip will be fraught with hardship and peril, but it still beats third-period gym with Mr. Johnson.
00:24:54(all laughing) Hey, in the real world, rope- climbing skills are vital.
00:24:59Good-bye, old life.
00:25:03Wait, Milhouse!
00:25:05Don't go!
00:25:06You're my best friend.
00:25:08I have to go.
00:25:09Well, then I'm going with you.
00:25:12Bart, climb up.
00:25:13I... can't.
00:25:15Well, what do you think of Mr. Johnson's rope- climbing class now?
00:25:19Bart: Still sucks!
00:25:20Aw, come on.
00:25:28So who's up for a trip around the world?
00:25:32Milhouse & bart: I am! I am!
00:25:40If we can catch the trade winds, we'll be in the Florida Keys by tomorrow morning.
00:25:50I can't wait to see our little...
00:25:52(gasps) Milhouse!
00:25:55Mom and Dad!
00:25:56Mr. and Mrs. Van Houten!
00:25:58Damned Dutchmen!
00:26:05I'm so glad you're alive!
00:26:07I'll never have to be self-reliant again.
00:26:10Not so fast, son.
00:26:11We are trapped on this island.
00:26:13No worries. I've already radioed for a rescue boat sailed by brave Danish sailors.
00:26:18More like swishy Danish sailors.
00:26:21You're going down, Dutchman.
00:26:23(Zack and Kirk grunting) You grapple like a girl!
00:26:27Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH Shh!
00:27:27Take half off the price of delivery pizza.
00:27:32Digiorno is half the price for melty cheese, awesome toppings and a fresh baked crust.
00:27:36Taste. believe.
00:27:37It's not delivery, it's digiorno.
00:28:11Mmmmm... ( crash ) ♪
00:28:16Mmmmm... ( crash ) ♪
00:28:22Mmmmm... ( crash ) When you add velveeta to spicy rotel tomatoes and green chiles, you've got a queso so good, it'll blow 'em away.
00:28:31Mmmmm... ( crash ) - Ha ha ha! - woo! - dang!
00:28:36Velveeta & rotel.
00:28:39Man, that's good!
00:28:41get a table!
00:28:42(announcer) SOME PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS EAT At the table, that doesn't mean they're bad.
00:28:48With the crispy, cheesy crust of new hot pockets cheese stuffed crust pizza, you're free to eat wherever, whenever.
00:28:53♪Hot pockets eat freely!