The Slammin' Salmon   View more episodes

Aired at 09:00 PM on Saturday, Jul 17, 2010 (7/17/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00- Okay, I will be right back.
00:00:02- Yeah, you will. - thank you.
00:00:03- Now, we got no butter.
00:00:09- Dave, can I get a re-fire?
00:00:11- What did you just say to me?
00:00:13- The guy in table five wants it cooked a little bit more.
00:00:15 they asked for it medium-rare; it's perfect.
00:00:18If he wants it cooked more, tell him to go shove it up his ass.
00:00:21- You want me to tell that guy to cook this in his ass?
00:00:24- Yeah, within the inside of his anus.
00:00:26- Come on, dave. - fine.
00:00:32- Dave, come on.
00:00:33..] Him if he doesn't know what medium-rare is.
00:00:36- You kidding me?
00:00:37When I said cook it nice, I didn't mean bring it back looking like ..] turd.
00:00:41- Uh, sir, I actually do not cook the food.
00:00:43I am just a waiter.
00:00:44- Oh, smart guy.
00:00:45You wanna get smart with me, smart guy?
00:00:47- Oh, great. what are you gonna do?
00:00:48Kick his ass?
00:00:49- Yeah, maybe I am, you want me to?
00:00:51- Sure, go ahead.
00:00:52..] out of the loser, like the waiter at the macaroni grill, the waiter at the olive garden, the waiter at buca di beppo.
00:00:57- Uh, sir, here at the slammin' salmon, there are no problems, just solutions.
00:01:01- You know what? here. you punk-ass bitch.
00:01:03Here, you like that? how about some of that?
00:01:04Tell me what that tastes like and you better ..].
00:01:09..] out of here and bring us some swordfish instead.
00:01:12- Okay, I'll be right back.
00:01:14- And you better not spit that out.
00:01:16- Okay, I will not.
00:01:18Thank you.
00:01:25..], [...] me.
00:01:27Were you just eating that piece of fish on the floor?
00:01:30- You have no idea.
00:01:31This guy made me eat it.
00:01:33- Oh, really?
00:01:33A customer shoved the food in your mouth and told you, you had to eat it?
00:01:37- Yeah, he actually told me I couldn't spit it out too.
00:01:39- Oh man, that's crazy. what?
00:01:41And I'm the prime minister of narnia.
00:01:44[Laughs] - you're paying for that piece of fish.
00:01:47- It was a send back.
00:01:48- Well, then you should have put it in the send-back area.
00:01:50You're paying for it.
00:01:51..] this, carl.
00:01:55- I quit. - fine.
00:01:56But I'm not the one you have to tell.
00:01:58You gotta tell the champ.
00:02:04And I know you don't have the guts to do it.
00:02:08- All right, then.
00:02:09I'll just leave. screw the champ.
00:02:11- Rich, you really think you can walk out of here without telling the champ?
00:02:14You remember marty millman?
00:02:16Marty millman is breathing through a hole in his throat right now.
00:02:19Rich, he will find you ..] you, in the face or in the mouth.
00:02:25- Fine.
00:02:26Fine, I'll tell him to his face.
00:02:27- Okay, fine. - I'll tell him myself.
00:02:28- Okay, go for it. - I'm gonna go right now.
00:02:30- Okay, good luck. - I'm not afraid of him.
00:02:32- Okay, bye bye. - I'll see you soon.
00:02:34- We'll be here. - carl.
00:02:36- In his face, right?
00:02:49[Bell rings] [boxing punch sound] hey carl, rich parente is not a quitter.
00:03:30- Guess we ain't getting our swordfish.
00:03:34- [Winces] - dude, last night was sick.
00:03:59I was rollin' with my boys down at club merengue and they called last call.
00:04:04So I reminded them it's now daylight savings and we got an extra hour.
00:04:08In that hour, I had five smirnoff ices and I walked out of there with a bangladeshi hooker.
00:04:17I banged her deshi all night long.
00:04:21- [Laughs] where did you go pimpin' last night, playboy?
00:04:25- I too had a wild night, last night.
00:04:27I made sweetheart love to an orangutan.
00:04:30- Really? bachelor party?
00:04:32- Oh, yeah. - what did it smell like?
00:04:34- Bananas mostly.
00:04:36- Really?
00:04:37- Guy, I'm pulling your leg.
00:04:38..] an orangutan last night.
00:04:41I have student-teacher evaluations coming-- - yeah, yeah, keep going, playboy; I'm listening.
00:04:45- There's one kid who real-- - edie?
00:04:48- Ahh.
00:04:49So did you hear who's coming back tonight?
00:04:53- Yeah, connor.
00:04:55God, I can't believe it.
00:04:56- Can you imagine being the star of a tv show and then having to come back and wait tables?
00:05:00- I know. it's humiliating.
00:05:03Hey, do you think you guys will get it on again?
00:05:07- Yeah, right.
00:05:08He should be so lucky.
00:05:10You don't get two bites at the apple, especially when it's golden, delicious.
00:05:15- Oh, yeah, hah.
00:05:17- Chow down. - yes.
00:05:18- Mmm. - mm-hmm.
00:05:20- What you pigs are eating is the blackened cod, comes with rosemary mashed potatoes and tempura mushrooms.
00:05:28It's blackened-- hey, it's blackened because I bought 60 pieces last tuesday, and it's gone bad.
00:05:33Now I'll give a free dessert ..].
00:05:37- Guys, I hate to be a ballbuster, but somebody was toking marijuana in the coat check room last night and that is a big no, no, never.
00:05:43- Rich, you put me on for a double tomorrow.
00:05:45- You said you needed money for ballet school.
00:05:47- I do, but I also told you that I get shin splints if I work a double.
00:05:51- Oh, ah, you're right. I'm sorry.
00:05:52- That's right. - shin splints.
00:05:53 I'll change that right away.
00:05:55- Who the hell is that?
00:05:57- Ah, that's our new busboy.
00:05:58Donnie, could you come over here, please.
00:06:01- Donnie is dave's twin brother.
00:06:05..] bowtie.
00:06:07No, you went too far, back.
00:06:12- I told you not to call me that.
00:06:14- You what?
00:06:15..]. - you're the [...].
00:06:17..]. - you're the [...].
00:06:19..]-- - shut up!
00:06:22- Weird.
00:06:23- Donnie knoghy, hi. - hi.
00:06:25- You a douche bag like your brother?
00:06:26- No, i-- - jeez.
00:06:29- Donnie knoghy. - I'm tara.
00:06:31Look, don't worry about it.
00:06:32My sister's a dick, too. I get it.
00:06:33- Ladies and gentlemen, straight from tv land, our old friend connor rose.
00:06:38- What's up? what's up.
00:06:40I missed each and every one of you.
00:06:42Look at him. look at this guy.
00:06:43- Hey. - there you go.
00:06:46- We watched you every single sunday for two weeks.
00:06:49Hot stuff.
00:06:50- Dude, ha ha.
00:06:52Oh, you did get a nose job.
00:06:54- No, no.
00:06:55My hair is longer and it makes my face look tiny.
00:06:57- We noticed it looks smaller on tv but we thought it was makeup.
00:07:01- Uh--it's strange, I know but the camera actually takes two pounds off your nose.
00:07:05- I think you took two pounds off your nose.
00:07:07- Nice one, dickpea, but seriously, I did not get a nose job.
00:07:11- Hey, true to form, you're an hour late.
00:07:12- Uh-uh, daylight savings.
00:07:13- Then you should be an hour early.
00:07:15- Ahh. - pretty good, huh?
00:07:18All right everybody. hit the floor.
00:07:19Let's have a big night, tonight.
00:07:21- Hey. - wow.
00:07:22- Let's see some pep in that step.
00:07:23 - oh donnie, I'm not-- - hey, welcome back. - thank you.
00:07:26Nice to see you. - good to see you.
00:07:27- You look great. - and you do too.
00:07:29- How are you doing? - mmph.
00:07:33- Wow, frosty.
00:07:34- So, you gonna be all right with this?
00:07:36- Yeah, yeah.
00:07:37..]load of cash I didn't have so, gotta eat.
00:07:40- Go to work.
00:07:42- Okay, working, huh? - yeah.
00:07:57[Laughter] - so what, you like quit to be on a tv show?
00:08:00- Yeah, yeah, I got a lead role oncfi: hotlanta.
00:08:04- No way. - yeah.
00:08:05- Connor walked out of here in a blaze of glory, huh.
00:08:10- Uh-huh.
00:08:19I'm famous, whew!
00:08:21I'm famous!
00:08:23Oi, ei, ei, ei.
00:08:24Ai, ei, ei, ei.
00:08:26Oh, mm-mmm um-ha-ha.
00:08:29Cole slaw never tasted so good.
00:08:33..] Big nose.
00:08:35..], ..], suck it, lick it, ..] it and...
00:08:42..] You!
00:08:50- Cole slaw. - yeah.
00:08:51They killed me off after two episodes.
00:08:53- Aww, how come?
00:08:54- Because every time he came on tv, america threw up in their mouths just a little bit.
00:08:58- [Laughs] yes.
00:08:59- Actually it's because the actress who plays the police commissioner and I took a little trip to ejacuador together.
00:09:06- Wow, wait.
00:09:07Isn't that morgan fairchild?
00:09:09- It is morgan fairchild.
00:09:10- Uh-oh, all right! - dude. she's hot.
00:09:13- But the creator of the show, this guy named dick lobo got jealous and suddenly detective shep winford wound up dead in a petting zoo with the killer's sperm in his shoes.
00:09:22- Wait, his sperm was in your shoe?
00:09:24- Whatever dude, tell us about morgan fairchild.
00:09:27Was she wet, was she dry, did she laugh, did she cry?
00:09:29- All right. day one of shooting: Morgan fairchild is giving me the stink eye, something fierce.
00:09:35At the end of the day, she says, "i wanna " and so, I knock on the door, open it up and go in, and morgan fairchild is wearing the tiniest piece of lingerie.
00:09:45I mean it's not even lingerie, it's like silly string.
00:09:49- What color? - see-through.
00:09:52- See-through? - like a spider web.
00:09:54- That's so hot.
00:09:55- She says, "i've got a little welcome present " takes out a gift-wrapped box.
00:09:59Opens it, reaches in, ..] you not, the biggest, blackest-- - hey, welcome to slammin' salmon.
00:10:09- Thank you.
00:10:10- Just one? - just one.
00:10:11- No, not my section.
00:10:12- It's not my section, - no, no, no, no.
00:10:15- No, no, he's not.
00:10:16- No, no, no, no, no. - he's not.
00:10:17all: OH.
00:10:19- Damn it!
00:10:20You do not seat one person at a four-top.
00:10:22- Hmm. - sorry, guy.
00:10:24- Can you please wait until I get back to finish that story?
00:10:26- No, no, no, no, no.
00:10:28- No dice, jim rice. heh-heh.
00:10:29- Come on. - they've spoken, guy.
00:10:32- Ugh!
00:10:34- All right, she reaches in and pulls out ..] you not.
00:10:39- Hey, sport. how are ya?
00:10:41Welcome to the slammin' salmon. I'm guy.
00:10:43- Well, hello guy, I'm horace and thank you.
00:10:46all: OH, NO!
00:10:48- [Mimics donkey sounds] - ooh, sounds like someone told a great story.
00:10:53- Yes, it does.
00:10:56[Laughter] - connor, I just sat you.
00:11:04Welcome back.
00:11:06- It's good we didn't get a booth.
00:11:08- Don't forget your slammin' salmon, smile.
00:11:11[Sarcastic laughter] do I need to know that?
00:11:13- Yeah.
00:11:14- Honey, I'm hungry.
00:11:15Can we just split a couple of things and then--?
00:11:17- Hi, welcome to the slammin' salmon.
00:11:20- Okay.
00:11:21- Oh, my god. I know you.
00:11:23- Really?
00:11:24- Oh yeah, I definitely know you.
00:11:26Where do I know you from?
00:11:27- Maybe he's in your spinning class.
00:11:29He looks like a spinner.
00:11:30- Honey, he's not a spinner.
00:11:31Oh god, it's driving me crazy.
00:11:33I know I've seen you somewhere before.
00:11:35- Is it from tv do you think or--?
00:11:38- Oh yes, I've got it.
00:11:41Yeah, you waited on me last time I was here.
00:11:47- Yeah, well, I left for a while hotlanta,so-- - [laughs] no, way.
00:11:54so-- - you're so funny. - thanks.
00:11:59- I'll have a merlot.
00:12:01- Dry sack, rocks.
00:12:02[Bell rings] ladies and gentlemen, from hell's kitchen, new york, ..
00:12:20Slammin' cleon salmon.
00:12:26- [Laughing] thank you.
00:12:28I hope you find the seafood to be succulent and if you need anything, anything at all, remember ding.
00:12:34Ring the bell and come back soon or else I'll ring your bells.
00:12:39[Laughter] ooh, you've been working out, haven't you?
00:12:44Yeah, okay?
00:12:46Nuts, I need a drink.
00:16:05[Panting] mark!
00:16:11Aah! aah! ha! ah!
00:16:15Hee! heave!
00:16:17Forgot your lunch.
00:16:18Give me. give me.
00:16:22Ohh! ohh!
00:16:25Announcer: You don't have to be perfect to .. I'm ok.
00:16:29Because kids in foster caredon't need perfection.
00:16:30They need you.
00:16:35- $200 For a babysitter?
00:16:36I mean, come on, it's a lot of money.
00:16:37No, you're totally worth it, I know.
00:16:39I know how much you love norah jones.
00:16:41I love her too.
00:16:42I bought the tickets, front row seats.
00:16:44My favorite song?
00:16:47Uh--don't know why.
00:16:48[Bell ding] - round one.
00:16:50- Oh my god, oh my god. I got to go.
00:16:53I love you.
00:16:54- Well, if it isn't the king of siam, make yourself at home.
00:16:58- Okay, hey champ.
00:16:58I didn't mean to sit in your chair.
00:17:00Sorry about that.
00:17:01- I'm just being humorous.
00:17:02Are you familiar with japanese albino hunting?
00:17:10- Can't say that I am, no.
00:17:11- Oh my god.
00:17:12It is all the rage in japan right now.
00:17:14What they do is they set a bunch of japanese albinos loose in the forest and you hunt them.
00:17:19- And you shoot them?
00:17:20- No, no, it's just for sport.
00:17:22Strictly catch and release.
00:17:23[Knock on door] who is it?
00:17:25- Round one.
00:17:28- Your drink, champ.
00:17:30- Oh, crazy straw.
00:17:33Wow, this is good.
00:17:34So my first time hunting these albinos, an albino ran right past me.
00:17:38I got so nervous, I smacked him in the head and almost depackitated him.
00:17:43- Ha, it's decapitated, champ.
00:17:48- Hmm-hmm.
00:17:50[Bell rings] - round one.
00:17:52- Now, where was i?
00:17:53- Uh, you were talking about japanese albino hunting.
00:17:56- Oh yeah, so I bet the head of the yakuza 20 grand that I could catch more albino than him.
00:18:01I mean, look at me.
00:18:02Come on, I'm an athlete.
00:18:04Well, you know what?
00:18:04I got my ass kicked and now I gotta pay him 20 grand by tomorrow.
00:18:07- Well, sounds like somebody has to go to the atm machine.
00:18:10- Yeah, you would think that, but I'm a little cash poor right now.
00:18:14I bought some land on the moon next to john travolta.
00:18:18- Smart.
00:18:19Real estate's a very safe investment.
00:18:21- So here's what you gotta do for me.
00:18:22I need you to make 20 grand tonight, or else these guys are gonna come and take the restaurant.
00:18:27- [Laughs] champ, the most the restaurant has ever made in one night is 15 grand.
00:18:31- Oh, boo, hoo, hoo. I don't care.
00:18:33- I wish you would've told me.
00:18:34I would've had more waiters on tonight.
00:18:36- I wish nino guitierrez would've told me he was gonna sock me with a hard right in the fracas in caracas.
00:18:41And now, look at him.
00:18:47He's dead.
00:18:49- I can see that.
00:18:51- So figure it out.
00:18:53If you don't get me 20 grand by tonight, I'm gonna lose the restaurant.
00:18:56If I lose the restaurant, I'm gonna be mad, ..] out of you and break all your arms.
00:19:03- Champ, I'm gonna need those arms, I got three kids.
00:19:07- All the more reason to keep it open.
00:19:10- Okeydokey.
00:19:11- I'm gonna skeedaddle.
00:19:13I'll be back to check on you later.
00:19:19[Bell rings] - round one.
00:19:21- Oh, boy.
00:19:22Everybody listen up, please.
00:19:24Hello, everyone. listen to me, please.
00:19:26Champ wants a big night tonight.
00:19:28So he's offering a prize to the top-selling waiter.
00:19:31- Ooh, is it cash?
00:19:32It's not cash, but it's something better.
00:19:34..] from your mother?
00:19:36- Uh-oh.
00:19:37- No, no, it's not a blow job from my mother, okay?
00:19:39The prize for the top-selling waiter, two front row seats to the norah jones concert this week.
00:19:45- Oh, my god. oh, my god.
00:19:46I love norah jones.
00:19:47- Oh, my god. - right, right?
00:19:50- Sweet, I'm in.
00:19:51- Are you serious, you like norah jones?
00:19:53- Nah, she's a slag.
00:19:54Think of all the tang that's gonna be at that show, ..] astronaut.
00:19:59- With a space helmet on.
00:20:01..] dude, you know that?
00:20:03- I am so gonna win this.
00:20:06Do tips count?
00:20:07- Tips count.
00:20:08Champ loves great service, right?
00:20:09Okay, give me your tips as you get them, and I'll post it up on the board, okay?
00:20:12- All right. - okay.
00:20:13- Now, everyone, get out there and move some fish.
00:20:15- All right. - let's move it.
00:20:16..] own this thing.
00:20:17I've never lost at anything in my life.
00:20:19[Music] - [laughs] look at this good-looking group of men.
00:20:27So, are you boys hungry?
00:20:30- Yeah, starving.
00:20:31- Mm-hmm.
00:20:32Well, you know what they say about a man with a big appetite.
00:20:36- It's all true.
00:20:37- Good, because you know what?
00:20:39You're gonna have the four-pound lobster.
00:20:41- Okay. - okay?
00:20:42And so are you and you.
00:20:44- I just have to tell you I am a huge fan.
00:20:47Dogs of the sahara is a perfect movie and your acting in it is sick, like hospital sick.
00:20:52- Wow, thanks man, I appreciate it.
00:20:55- No, seriously.
00:20:56I think you discovered like a new emotion in that movie.
00:20:59- Really? I didn't know.
00:21:01Thanks again.
00:21:01- Well, what kind of emotion?
00:21:03- You know it's like he's like he's brave, but naive, you know, like braive.
00:21:11- Okay.
00:21:12- Congratulations. - thank you.
00:21:13- Sorry, I never do this.
00:21:15- What's your name, pal?
00:21:16- I'm connor. - connor?
00:21:17Connor, I'm marlon and this is my girlfriend, samara duvall.
00:21:20- Oh, I readus weekly.
00:21:21I know who this is, the interior designer who stole your heart.
00:21:25- That's right.
00:21:26I hired her to decorate my chill chalet.
00:21:28" you should just call it a chillet.
00:21:32- [Laughing] - fell in love with her right then and there.
00:21:34- I just put the two words together.
00:21:37- Chillet?
00:21:38I love that.
00:21:40- New guy. sorry.
00:21:42- So what's this?
00:21:43- Little tradition here at the salmon.
00:21:45Any time a busboy breaks something, he does a shot of blue curacao.
00:21:49- Is it cool to drink on the job?
00:21:51- Do you need to ask your big brother for permission?
00:21:53- You wanna try shaving with this?
00:21:55Okay yeah, let's see.
00:21:57- I'm older by eight hours.
00:21:59- Hiiyeah.
00:22:00And don't worry. no one will ever know.
00:22:03- Cool.
00:22:04- Hey hey, con man. - mr. spencer.
00:22:06- I was wondering if you could help me out.
00:22:09- Ahh, oh my god, this is really sudden.
00:22:12[Laughter] - I'm proposing to samara tonight.
00:22:15- Wow, somebody finally put a saddle on you, huh, bronco?
00:22:19- Yeah.
00:22:20When we order dessert, could you put the ring in it, so she can find it?
00:22:24- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:22:24" - that's a custom-made ring, yeah?
00:22:32- It's safe with me. you have my word.
00:22:35- Cool.
00:22:38- Wow. - wow.
00:22:39- Send back. - oh.
00:22:40- Out of the way. it's a dessert.
00:22:41Somebody sent back a dessert.
00:22:43- Oh my god, - oh my god.
00:22:44- When somebody sends back a dessert, you gotta move fast.
00:22:46They're like wild jackals at their mothers' teat.
00:23:05Hello, " how do you feel about "sudden rapids"?
00:23:16Leak-free periods than the next leading brand.
00:23:17So you can outsmart mother nature.
00:25:36[Music] - so why do they call you nuts?
00:25:43- Because I'm crazy.
00:25:46- You don't look crazy.
00:25:47- Oh, I'm insane.
00:25:49You should see me without my meds.
00:25:51My last job, didn't take my meds one day, hour later, I was walking around naked with peanut butter in my hair telling people my name was zongo.
00:25:58I delivered an old lady a cup of hot water with my balls in it.
00:26:02- Yeah, talk about your red zinger.
00:26:05- Yeah but I don't remember any of it.
00:26:08My balls were red, though.
00:26:12- Are you serious? - totally.
00:26:15No, I'm joking.
00:26:17But it is true.
00:26:25- Sir? - yeah.
00:26:27- Are you ready to order your entree?
00:26:29- Oh, I haven't even looked at the menu.
00:26:32- That's my party people.
00:26:34- Yeah!
00:26:36- Hey, all right.
00:26:38- You know, you've been here for an hour, sir.
00:26:40Surely you must be hungry.
00:26:42- I am. I'll take a look.
00:26:44You know, in the meantime, I'll have a drink.
00:26:48Tell me guy, what goes well with tolstoy?
00:26:50- Dom perignon, cristal, perhaps a chateau margaux or even a 1945 rothschild.
00:26:56- Well, I'll take all four.
00:26:58- Really?
00:26:59- No, I'll just have a cup of hot water with a wedge of lemon.
00:27:06- Living on the edge.
00:27:10- Oh no, here.
00:27:11- Oh no, no.
00:27:12- Come on, come on, come on.
00:27:13- Ohh. - oh, come on.
00:27:17- Oh, ow.
00:27:18[Bell rings] - oh, jesus.
00:27:22- Nuts.
00:27:23- Uh oh, dickpea, a little help.
00:27:25- What are you guys doing?
00:27:26- Dicking around, bro.
00:27:28- Yahtzee.
00:27:28- What are you doing with the booze?
00:27:30- Donnie, leave us.
00:27:31Grab me an olive from the bar, please?
00:27:36Dave knoghy's brother.
00:27:37..] out of him, dude.
00:27:39..] out of the food, dude.
00:27:42- Tara? - yes.
00:27:43- You love norah jones?
00:27:44I mean "come away with me," you love that song.
00:27:45I've heard you humming it.
00:27:46- Yes, I also hum the macarena, it doesn't mean I wanna go to the macarena concert.
00:27:50- Oh, snap. - yeah, well.
00:27:51Norah jones is different.
00:27:52I mean she's cool and folksy and jazzy.
00:27:54Come on.
00:27:55- Rich, look, I'm in medical school, okay?
00:27:57I don't have time to go to a concert.
00:27:59- What about you?
00:27:59- I'm not sure who norma jones is.
00:28:02Is she the puppeteer who--?
00:28:04- Here's the thing.
00:28:05Norah jones is for chicks and weepy dorks like you.
00:28:07If I'm gonna make the champ richer, I want a real prize.
00:28:10..] a cow.
00:28:12What's up? - ho!
00:28:17[Phone rings] ..], you wanna answer the phone?
00:28:24Oh, I'll do it.
00:28:25I'm only the manager.
00:28:27Good evening, persuasions spa and casino resort.
00:28:30I'm stanley bellin.
00:28:32How may I persuade you?
00:28:33- Hey stanley, it's rich parente, calling on behalf of cleon salmon.
00:28:37The champ would like to book his regular suite.
00:28:39- Oh, I'm afraid the suite is not available for mr. salmon.
00:28:45- Well, what do you mean? why not?
00:28:47- Because the last time salmon's pet kangaroo defecated in our kitchen.
00:28:52- Oh well, that kangaroo is no longer with us.
00:28:54The champ actually killed him during a sparring session.
00:28:57- I'm so sorry to hear that.
00:28:59Unfortunately I will have to politely say no.
00:29:03- Is that stanley?
00:29:04Let me talk to him.
00:29:05 just-- - yes, champ, it's stanley bellin.
00:29:09- Tell him, I said, "i want the emperor suite " salmon can stay in the emperor suite.
00:29:18I was merely joking.
00:29:20- Tell him to make the reservation under king kamehameha.
00:29:27- And it better be free or I'm gonna knock stanley into bolivian.
00:29:30- Yeah, he said that he was hoping it would be free or he was gonna knock you into bolivian.
00:29:35But I think he means oblivion.
00:29:39- It will be free. it will be free.
00:29:41Guys, listen up, new deal, okay?
00:29:43Champ is very serious about selling big tonight.
00:29:45So there's a new prize-- a four-day, three-night stay at the persuasions spa and casino resort hotel in key largo.
00:29:53- Sounds awesome.
00:29:54Wait a minute, is that the gay key?
00:29:56- It's a straight key, guy.
00:29:57- What if he wanted the gay key?
00:30:00- Why would I want the gay key?
00:30:01I thought you said you-- - all right, all right. listen, listen, listen.
00:30:04It's a great prize. come on.
00:30:05Persuasions spa and casino resort hotel.
00:30:07- Hell yeah, dickpea.
00:30:09- Here are the current standings, okay?
00:30:11Nuts, tara let's pick it up a notch, okay?
00:30:13- Enthusiasm.
00:30:15- My suggestion to you guys, sell the cod, one of the most expensive items on the menu: $38.95, Okay?
00:30:20Let's get out there and turn them and burn them.
00:30:23- All right? - all right.
00:30:25- Come on, sell the cod.
00:30:28- Well, you have got to try the cod.
00:30:29 I don't really like fishy fish.
00:30:32- Oh, no, no, no.
00:30:33The cod is the least fishy of the fishes.
00:30:33It's so un-fishy, it's not even classified as a fish.
00:30:38- I'll take one.
00:30:41- Do yourselves a favor, order the cod.
00:30:44- Is it a fishy fish? I like my fish fishy.
00:30:48- Cod is definitely the fishiest fish there is and a fishy fish is a healthy fish.
00:30:53- Did you know that cod is a flying fish?
00:30:55It's flying off the shelf tonight.
00:30:57- Is it flaky? I like flaky.
00:31:00- Very flaky.
00:31:00The eskimo name for cod is actually pona cana which means flake fish.
00:31:04- Hmm.
00:31:07- It's a rare moroccan midget cod.
00:31:09It's almost impossible to catch.
00:31:10So the portions are tiny, you might wanna get two per person.
00:31:14- Moroccan midget cod?
00:31:16I've heard of that. it's really good.
00:31:18- I usually don't swear at my tables ..] delicious.
00:31:22..] two each.
00:31:24- Good order.
00:31:27- Hey.
00:31:31I gotta ask you something.
00:31:33- Okay.
00:31:34- Were you oncfi: hotlanta?
00:31:36- Uh--yeah, I was.
00:31:39- Aha, I knew it.
00:31:39- I said you were on the bachelorette, dude.
00:31:41- Well, they're both good shows, I suppose.
00:31:44- I love both of those shows.
00:31:45- Hey, con-man.
00:31:46When you're ready, I think we're ready for dessert.
00:31:50We'll have a brownie, one scoop of vanilla ice cream and two spoons.
00:31:55- Mm-mm, carbs.
00:31:56- Yeah, I will get that right out to you.
00:32:00] coming.
00:32:01But women have made olay regenerist #1.
00:32:03Though not surgical results, regenerist is the #1 serum, night cream, and moisturizer.
00:32:08Not drastic. just fantastic.
00:32:10Get younger-looking skin with regenerist.
00:32:13♪ ♪
00:32:15prescription box.
00:32:16But I don't know if it's right.
00:32:17We'll verify it with your doctor.
00:32:18Thank you.
00:32:20Somebody, find that doctor's number!
00:32:21I already found it.
00:32:24Making sure your order is right 24/7.
00:32:25Call, click, and now at walmart.
00:32:30Summertime is frosty time!
00:32:31For just 99¢¢ treat yourself to a real original.
00:32:34Wendy's frosty is made with fresh cream and 100% real cocoa.
00:32:38It's the original.
00:32:39Creamy. cool. classic.
00:32:40Now only 99¢¢ andonly at wendy's.
00:32:42♪♪ You know when it's real ♪♪
00:35:36[laughter] - you know oysters are an aphrodisiac.
00:35:39More oysters, more aphrodisiac.
00:35:44That is, if you guys think you're gonna get lucky tonight.
00:35:48- I probably will.
00:35:49- What's up, boys?
00:35:50You dirty hoe daddies wish this perfect angel a happy birthday yet?
00:35:55- Oh, it's your birthday?
00:35:57- Yeah.
00:35:59- Where's your birthday suit?
00:36:02- Stop. you're so bad.
00:36:05- I can be worse.
00:36:10- Tony, have you ever noticed that red-headed people breathe through their mouths?
00:36:15- Like orangutans?
00:36:17- Yeah, exactly like orangutans.
00:36:19- Coincidence.
00:36:20- Happy birthday?
00:36:22- Donnie, leave us.
00:36:24Bring me a cocktail onion from the bar please.
00:36:27What can I say?
00:36:28I thought I'd help you get a big tip.
00:36:29Just like the old days.
00:36:31And while we're at it, may I ask for your hand?
00:36:35- Ooh, I accept.
00:36:38- You know, if you and I work together, we'll definitely win this key largo prize.
00:36:43- Mm-mm. no.
00:36:44- Come on, mia, why are you being so difficult?
00:36:46I want my tickle friend back.
00:36:48- You do?
00:36:51- Rich, did you just take a bite of that?
00:36:53- Rich? - something's stuck.
00:36:57- Jesus christ, there was a diamond ring in that brownie.
00:36:59 it was up for grabs.
00:37:02You said it was a send-back.
00:37:03- I said I want my tickle friend back.
00:37:05..]'s a tickle friend?
00:37:08Augh, augh.
00:37:09- Cough it up.
00:37:11- Ooh. - come on.
00:37:12- I'm not choking. I swallowed it.
00:37:15- Get it out.
00:37:16- Uh-oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:37:34- Clam chowder for the gentleman.
00:37:361, 2, 3.
00:37:39Salmon and haricot verte for the lady.
00:37:431, 2, 3.
00:37:47Soup spoon, 1, 2, 3.
00:37:50Is there anything else I can get you this evening?
00:37:54- I think we're fine for now.
00:37:56Thank you.
00:37:58- 1, 2, 3.
00:38:01- Uh, enjoy your wine.
00:38:06- Aha.
00:38:10Dude, it's headin' down to funkytown.
00:38:12- I can't feel it anymore.
00:38:14- What is that thing?
00:38:15- It's a stud finder.
00:38:16- Stud finder?
00:38:17Sounds like a gay dating service.
00:38:19Hey yo.
00:38:19- Okay, could we just get the ring, please?
00:38:22.. - what?
00:38:23We need medical help.
00:38:24Rich just swallowed a really important diamond ring.
00:38:26- Uh, is it still in the esophagus?
00:38:28- Okay, well, it's too deep to expunge by vomiting.
00:38:31It could tear the esophageal tissue on its way up.
00:38:34After all, it is a diamond.
00:38:35- Hardest substance known to man.
00:38:37- Uh, look, my advice, you have to pass it anally.
00:38:42- Hope it doesn't turn into coal.
00:38:44- Dude, you better pray ..].
00:38:46- Nuts, what's it with that counting thing at the table.
00:38:49- Counting?
00:38:50- Did you take your meds today?
00:38:52- Meds, yeah, 3:30.
00:38:53Took them before I came here.
00:38:55Next one is at 8:30.
00:38:57Right now.
00:38:58- Well, wait, did you account for daylight savings?
00:39:01- Daylight savings. no.
00:39:02- Well, that means your body actually thinks it's 9:30.
00:39:05You were supposed to take your meds an hour ago.
00:39:07 [laughs] - okay, look, why don't you take them and I'll watch your section?
00:39:13..] rings jangling around in there.
00:39:16- Nuts, nuts, nuts, where are you going?
00:39:17- I gotta get something out of the coat room, just take a second.
00:39:20- Can you watch these guys' tables.
00:39:22I gotta diamond ring in me, man.
00:39:24- That's all right.
00:39:25I'll get it later.
00:39:40- Was he just skipping?
00:39:41- What?
00:39:41- Was he just skipping? - pig in a poke.
00:39:44- Get back to work.
00:39:45- Think I got a pretty good bead on a lunch box.
00:39:59- What's up, buddy?
00:40:00- Okay, there's been a bit of a snag.
00:40:03- Okay, what?
00:40:04- Someone ate your engagement ring.
00:40:08..] with me. that's good.
00:40:10- N-no.
00:40:11I put the ring in the brownie and I turned my back for just one second and a member of the staff ate the brownie.
00:40:17That was a $450,000 south african bing diamond.
00:40:20I wanna speak to the manager and the asshole who ate it.
00:40:24..] ate my ring?
00:40:27- Yes, sir.
00:40:28And I'm terribly sorry about that.
00:40:30- So what are you gonna do about it?
00:40:31- I'm trying to pass it.
00:40:33- Come again?
00:40:36Coffee, cigarettes, laxatives.
00:40:38- It was you?
00:40:40- Uh, yes it was.
00:40:41- That was a $450,000 south african bing diamond you just ate.
00:40:46- Uh, your meal is on the house tonight.
00:40:48- Screw the meal.
00:40:49..] out that [...] diamond and fast, I'm gonna kick your ass.
00:40:53And con-ster, there will be a sequel to that.
00:40:58-Como se dice cleveland steamer?
00:41:01Don't worry about it.
00:41:02- Yo, dave.
00:41:04- No, don't even say it.
00:41:06- The woman said it's cold.
00:41:07- It's steaming.
00:41:08..] customers, huh?
00:41:11I mean, I told her ..] and go [...] herself, but she insisted.
00:41:15- I like you, guy.
00:41:16Hymie, nuke the dick out of it.
00:41:18-Si, senor.
00:43:23Digger, fungus.
00:43:23You know what I love about the beach?
00:43:25Plenty of bare feet.
00:43:26All we need is some wet ground...
00:43:28...and you could be itching and burning in no time.
00:43:30[ Male Announcer ] Get Lamisil AT.
00:43:32The only gel with a powerful... ingredient that stays in the skin until the fungus is gone.
00:45:53- I'm sorry.
00:45:54The kitchen just told me we're out of the brownies, so would you like the souffle instead?
00:45:58It takes an hour to prepare.
00:46:01- Oh, we'll take it. - honey?
00:46:02- Now, tell me all about your plans for the living room.
00:46:06- Okay.
00:46:07Where is my boyfriend and what did you do with him?
00:46:15- I'll leave you two alone.
00:46:17- Mmm, thank you.
00:46:20I'm a ballerina, you know, and I'm putting myself through the bilitnikoff ballet school.
00:46:26- Well, you certainly got the body for it.
00:46:29- And it stretches in every direction.
00:46:35- Here's a little something extra for the sugar plum fairy.
00:46:40- Oh, thank you.
00:46:43- What are you lookin' at, liz?
00:46:47- You are so winning this contest.
00:46:49- Oh yeah.
00:46:50[Music] - aah!
00:47:55- Oh, don't cry.
00:47:56It's gonna look fine. it's gonna look fine.
00:47:58- Ah gently, gently, gently. aah!
00:47:59 was this a cream-based soup?
00:48:02- Yeah, I think so. I think so.
00:48:04Does that make a difference?
00:48:05- Sometimes.
00:48:06Okay, well, it looks like first-degree burns.
00:48:09It could lead to some epidermal scarring.
00:48:11- I want you to go home and get some rest and drink plenty of water.
00:48:15I'm not going home.
00:48:17I'm in first place.
00:48:18- Hey, that's the spirit, mia, get out there.
00:48:20- What? rich, no.
00:48:21Look, she needs to rest and put some ichthyol or sulfadiazine on her face.
00:48:24- Yeah, rich, she needs icthy-ol-diazine.
00:48:28 at least someone here has a heart.
00:48:31- Thank you.
00:48:32- All right.
00:48:33You guys are right. you're right.
00:48:35Mia, you should go home.
00:48:38- Did baryshnikov go home when he twisted his ankle at the bolshoi festival?
00:48:44Did vladimir putinski walk away when he sprained his toe doing the marzipan king at the ballet d'elysee?
00:48:50- I'm guessing by your tone, no.
00:48:53- Okay.
00:48:54Did joe theesmann quit baseball when he broke his leg?
00:48:57- Um, it's actually joe theismann and he never played football again.
00:49:04[Boxing ring bell] - may I have your attention please.
00:49:06- What's that? oh no.
00:49:08..]. okay, I'll be back.
00:49:10- Mia, just sit down here.
00:49:11- Yeah. - don't touch.
00:49:13- The captain of crunch, ..
00:49:18Slammin' cleon salmon.
00:49:22- You have got to be kidding me.
00:49:25- Ooh.
00:49:25- I'm here. undefeated baby.
00:49:27The king is here.
00:49:29How you doing? come on, give me a hug.
00:49:31You look good.
00:49:32Hey, get a carrot for the ss fudgelicious, okay?
00:49:36- I assume that's the horse?
00:49:37- Never assume.
00:49:38When you assume you make an asshole out of yourself.
00:49:42All right, thank you.
00:49:44Go back to eating, enjoy yourself.
00:49:45Forget it. it's not about me.
00:49:47Hey rich.
00:49:48Tell dave to cook that swordfish.
00:49:49I won it from emeril legassi in a thumb wrestling contest.
00:49:52I broke his thumb, bam!
00:49:54Cried like a baby.
00:49:56 yamamori we want the best seat in the house.
00:50:01We want the royal treatment, rich.
00:50:02- Champ, you can't, I mean, we need those tables if you wanna earn the 20 grand.
00:50:06- That's nice, rich.
00:50:08Well check this out.
00:50:09If you don't find me a table, I'm gonna shove him up your ass.
00:50:14- Champ, isn't he yakuza?
00:50:17- Come on man, don't be racist.
00:50:19No, he's not yakuza.
00:50:20 yamamori is gonna make the first slammin' salmon candy bar in japan.
00:50:24Check it out.
00:50:24A layer of chocolate, nougat, peanut, more nougat and salmon.
00:50:31I know it sounds nasty, but trust me, they love that fish candy over in the orient.
00:50:35Now, I'm sayin' that to say this.
00:50:37..] up.
00:50:38Get me a table or I'm gonna use your nuts for cufflinks.
00:50:42- Comin' right up.
00:50:44- All right. - great.
00:50:45- Candy bar sounds delicious.
00:50:46- It is. - okay.
00:50:47- All right. - be right back.
00:50:48- You're gonna love this waitress.
00:50:50She's a ballerina.
00:50:51Graceful like a swan.
00:50:53Tell mr. yamamori.
00:50:54[Speaking japanese] - hey, champ.
00:50:58- Aah.
00:51:00..] happened to you?
00:51:02- I got burned with soup.
00:51:04- Don't you know you're supposed to blow on it first?
00:51:08- Yes, champ.
00:51:09- Well, don't just stand there.
00:51:10Get out of here, soup face, you're offending my tokyokin guest.
00:51:12Get me the smart girl.
00:51:15- Tara?
00:51:15Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get her for you.
00:51:18- And tell her to bring me some champagne.
00:51:20I'm so sorry, but her soup face scared the ..] out of me.
00:51:23My voice is not that high.
00:51:27- I got it, I got it.
00:51:27- It's says eight hours, I need something faster.
00:51:29- I hear eye drops work on some people.
00:51:31One glass of apple juice, and I can fill up a mailbox.
00:51:34- Yogurt. - cheddar cheese.
00:51:37- Tara.
00:51:39The champ wants you to wait on him.
00:51:42- Oh. - okay.
00:51:45- Oh, yeah, right.
00:51:49Whiten your smile.
00:51:49No red wine.
00:51:50I've got it.
00:51:52♪ ♪
00:51:53[ Female Announcer ] New crest 3d white toothpaste removes up to 80% of surface stains in just two weeks.
00:51:58What did I tell ya.
00:52:00[ Female Announcer ] New crest 3d white toothpaste.
00:54:08And strong.
00:54:09There to ensure the mostpowerful transmitter is you.
00:54:17Rule the air.
00:54:35[Speaking japanese] yamamori say he think if the muhammad ali was a still young man no one ever defeat him.
00:54:43- Yeah, well ifs and buts was candies and nuts we'd all have a merry christmas.
00:54:49Tell him that.
00:54:50- [Speaking japanese] - no, I didn't say that.
00:54:56If ifs and buts was candies and nuts, we'd all have a merry christmas.
00:55:01- Yes, champ san I translate.
00:55:04- Say it!
00:55:07- If if and but was candy and nut, we all have a merry christmas.
00:55:13- Thank you. was that so hard?
00:55:16- Hey, champ.
00:55:20- Dave, what did you do?
00:55:21Did you blow papa smurf?
00:55:26Blow papa smurf.
00:55:29Oh, you got a couple of stiffs over here.
00:55:31- Champ, would you like to order some appetizers?
00:55:34- Yes, I would like to order some encrapments.
00:55:36I will have the fruity del marie, the oysters del cabana and the clams casino.
00:55:43And for the entree, I want that swordfish that I caught.
00:55:46Oh, oh, and dave, make sure you cook the nose too.
00:55:48I want to see what that tastes like.
00:55:51- You got that, dave?
00:55:52- Oh and I want maraschino cherries on everything.
00:55:55Did you know that the word maraschino came from the boxer rocky maraschino?
00:56:01- Uh, it's actually rocky marciano.
00:56:07- Okay, okay, okay.
00:56:09..] in spanish?
00:56:13, but I like a guy who goes surfin surfin turfin turfin.
00:56:17- Okay, you know, actually could you give us a minute and we will-- we will call you when we need you?
00:56:24- You men always say you're gonna call.
00:56:26- Okay, actually I'm just tryin' to keep my appetite here, so, but thank you for gropin' me and bringing your face into our dinner.
00:56:36These are the days I thank god that I have a perfect face.
00:56:46- Sorry.
00:56:55- Hey you.
00:56:57- Oh.
00:56:58- So I'm gonna take you up on your offer about working as a team.
00:57:02- Oh, I don't know.
00:57:04I think I would drag you down.
00:57:08- No.
00:57:09- Best of luck to you.
00:57:15- Somebody please kill this thing.
00:57:21..] is taking so long?
00:57:30You have to dominate the swordfish.
00:57:32Only then can you saute it.
00:57:35- Thanks champ.
00:57:38- Rich, numbers.
00:57:39- Here you go.
00:57:41- Are we at 20 grand yet?
00:57:42- We're at 12,000.
00:57:44- That's not even halfway-- ..
00:57:47- In my office.
00:57:50- Everybody in my office!
00:57:53No, no, no not the customers.
00:57:55You guys sit down.
00:57:57Wait staff in my office.
00:58:13So I guess nobody wants this trip to the bahamas.
00:58:17- Um, it's actually key largo, champ.
00:58:20- You know what?
00:58:21Don't say another word.
00:58:22Because you've proven yourself useless, wouldn't you say?
00:58:26Say it.
00:58:27I am useless with a capital y.
00:58:32- I'm useless with a capital y.
00:58:36- That's right.
00:58:37Now then, when I was in your position I would have rabbit punched my own mother for a trip to the bahamas.
00:58:43Are you telling me you wouldn't wanna be on a beach right now sipping on a strawberry daiquiri?
00:58:49 - well too bad!
00:58:51Because strawberry daiquiris are for closers, not for pussies!
00:58:59Hey, numb nuts.
00:59:01- Yeah, champ.
00:59:02- You're gonna be polishing my fist with your teeth.
00:59:05- I'll get you later.
00:59:07 what kind of name is that?
00:59:11- Um, it's um-- it's metdrapedes, sir, it's greek.
00:59:15- Well, I think you're pronouncing it wrong.
00:59:17This says meat drapes.
00:59:20- It's actually pronounced metdrapedes.
00:59:22- Well, why doesn't it sound like that when I say it?
00:59:24Meat drapes.
00:59:26- I don't know.
00:59:28- You don't know much, do you, guy?
00:59:30- No, sir.
00:59:32- Well, if a trip to the bahamas ain't gonna get the molasses out of your asses, maybe $10,000 will do the trick.
00:59:39- Oh, what? - what?
00:59:41- Ten-thousand bucks.
00:59:42- That's right. new prize.
00:59:43Top waiter leaves here tonight with 10 grand in his pocket.
00:59:47You know what 10 grand feels like in your pocket?
00:59:53..] you got, champ?
00:59:58- Are you lampooning me, meat drapes?
01:00:00- No, of course not, sir.
01:00:01- You wanna punch in the eye, guy?
01:00:03- No, please.
01:00:03- I can make your face look like a pie, guy.
01:00:06- Oh, god no.
01:00:17- Oooh!
01:00:19- Excuse me.
01:00:19I didn't mean to do that, but now you know the deal.
01:00:23The waiter that comes in first place gets $10,000.
01:00:27- Aah!
01:00:28- Whoever comes in last gets a broken ribs sandwich.
01:00:31And I wasn't even trying to hurt him.
01:00:33Are you about to cry, guy?
01:00:35- No, of course not.
01:00:37- Loosen up your tie, guy.
01:00:39Did you hear what I just said?
01:00:41It was a rhyme.
01:00:42If you're not gonna cry, then put it in his eye, punch it to the gut and make him smell like a skunk.
01:00:50If he runs out of meat, then he's wicky, wicky, wicky ooh, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky.
01:00:57Wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky, wicky.
01:01:02So what are you all staring at?
01:01:04Don't nobody want $10,000?
01:01:06Get the hell out of here. now!
01:01:08- Get out of my way.
01:01:09- I got this thing in the bag.
01:01:11..], Big nose. it's already over.
01:01:12- Um, champ, I don't mean to tell you your business, but if you have to make 20 grand tonight and you give away 10, it works counter to what you're trying to do.
01:01:20- Richardo, believe it or not, I ain't a numbers man.
01:01:24I punch people for a livin', and I'm gonna punch you if you don't make that money tonight.
01:01:29- Okay, that's good math. I'm on it.
01:02:33[Chatter, laughter] yo, look, check it out, we about to go get twisted.
01:02:41You all coming or what?
01:02:44Nah, man, I gotta hit the books, man.
01:02:49Make you happy.
01:02:50Alright, man.
01:02:51See you, guys.
01:02:52Um, can I get a check?
01:02:54Nah, we straight.
01:02:57Thanks, man.
01:04:03contactlenses arrived.
01:04:041-800 Contacts? theycan't have my brand.
01:04:05I have special eyes.
01:04:08Look! look with your special eyes!
01:04:10My brand!
01:04:13Quality contact lenses.
01:04:15Call, click, and now at walmart.
01:04:29- Yeah, guy!
01:04:30Number two with a bullet.
01:04:33- Congratulations.
01:04:35- Burn.
01:04:36- I would like to see you try and sell with a burnt face, you orange tan prick.
01:04:40- Oh, sucks to be you, hiroshima.
01:04:45- 10 Grand.
01:04:46I got my eye on a leather couch with a velvet ..] hole in it.
01:04:50- Oh yeah? well check out the scoreboard.
01:04:52You gotta get by me first, fake and bake.
01:04:54Aha ha. see ya.
01:04:55- Oh, I'm gonna own this.
01:05:08- Hi there.
01:05:10- Is that norma jones?
01:05:12- That's nutella, the pop star.
01:05:13- Yeah, you take norah jones, fergie and beyonce and mix them together, you get nutella.
01:05:17- Ah. who's beyonce?
01:05:21- Nutella, nutella.
01:05:23- There he is.
01:05:24- Good to see you.
01:05:27- Nutella thinks it's always good to see you too, champ.
01:05:30- Give them the best seat in the house.
01:05:32- Thank you, baby.
01:05:33Now, see all that chocolate.
01:05:35- I know, I love chocolate.
01:05:37- I heard that.
01:05:38- Right this way.
01:05:43all: OH! - YES!
01:05:46- Hey, sexy patty. - hey.
01:05:49- Hey, if you give me the best tables for the rest of the night, I'll take you to persuasions with me.
01:05:53- Oh, I thought you were taking mia.
01:05:54No, I'd rather take you-a.
01:05:57- Oh my god, you're so funny.
01:05:58- You've got a great sense of humor.
01:06:00- Oh, oh, you've great posture.
01:06:01- Oh, I used to have scoliosis.
01:06:03- You can't tell.
01:06:09- Good evening, ms. nutella.
01:06:10We are so honored to have you with us tonight.
01:06:12And can I just say that I love your song, too sincere for you, ..
01:06:22- Okay, nutella thanks you baby.
01:06:24Now can we order fast because nutella's hungry?
01:06:26- Of course.
01:06:28- So what should we have?
01:06:29- Well, um the champ ordered two bottles of cristal, four lobsters troubadour, an alaskan king crab, oysters carbonara and a round of swordfish, ..
01:06:40- Well, we will take five of that.
01:06:44- Fantastic.
01:06:44- You treat nutella right, nutella treats you right.
01:06:47- I know what you're saying, girlfriend.
01:06:49Okay, all right.
01:06:51- Show what you're working with.
01:07:10- Okay, great.
01:07:12Here we go.
01:07:15- No. - what?
01:07:16 why, why am I on the board?
01:07:18- I am giving you a section.
01:07:19Congratulations, you're in the competition.
01:07:21- What are you talking about? I'm a busboy.
01:07:23 - get your hands off me.
01:07:26- But now you're a waiter.
01:07:26No, I don't know the first thing about waiting tables.
01:07:30- Very simple.
01:07:31You ask the people what they want and then you bring it to them.
01:07:33A monkey could do it.
01:07:34- I'm four hours behind these guys and I'm ..]faced.
01:07:38- Bring those tables out.
01:07:39- No, no, no.
01:07:40- Great. stick them wherever they fit.
01:07:42- Please don't do this.
01:07:43- Rock shrimp and scallop linguine, ..], I call it my pants-down pasta.
01:07:48Be sure to eat all the cream.
01:07:50- Hey, douchebag.
01:07:50..]up, yeah.
01:07:53- No, no, no you'll do great.
01:07:54You made it through six months of college, right?
01:07:56- Come on, dave.
01:07:57- Sounds like waiter material to me.
01:07:58This is delicious.
01:08:00- I hope the champ knocks every tooth out ..] head.
01:08:03- I hope the champ knocks your tooth out.
01:08:14- Oh get in to ya. oh, yeah.
01:08:18- Hello, gentlemen, and welcome to the salmon slammin'.
01:08:21My name is donnie.
01:08:22Can I start you off with something to drink tonight?
01:08:24- Um, we've already got some drinks, haven't we, mate?
01:08:27- So sounds like you're from the u.k.
01:08:28Are you in a band like oasis or herman's hermits?
01:08:32- No, we're not.
01:08:33- Um, are there any answers I can question you from the menu tonight?
01:08:37- All right, donnie, why don't you tell us about something good on the menu, eh?
01:08:40- Well, the blue curacao is excellent.
01:08:44Private joke.
01:08:45- Just get us some more shots, all right?
01:08:46- Then I'll just clear these shot glasses out of the way-- - hey, hey.
01:08:55..] [...].
01:08:59- I'm not drunk.
01:09:13- So, how is everything tonight?
01:09:15- Oh, truly splendid, guy. thank you.
01:09:18- Wow, well, we're really, really busy tonight.
01:09:21- Yes, I can see that.
01:09:22- So is there anything else I can get for you tonight?
01:09:25Or just the check?
01:09:27- Well, wouldn't mind a cup of tea.
01:09:31..] out of here.
01:09:34- Excuse me.
01:09:35- Are you readingwar and peace?
01:09:36..] out of here, I love that book.
01:09:38- Oh, well, perhaps you'd like to come to my book club.
01:09:41Yeah, last week we read flaubert's madame bovary .. house down.
01:09:50- Hey kid.
01:09:52I like you.
01:09:53I think they put you in a really tough situation.
01:09:55I'm gonna help you out and give you one of my tables.
01:09:57- Really? thanks.
01:09:58- Yeah. see donald trump over there?
01:10:03Knock yourself out.
01:10:08- Oh, connor, I just sat you a six, six.
01:10:13- Hmm, thanks patty.
01:10:18- So, I just keep whacking him in the knee.
01:10:22Painful, but better than a punch in the face.
01:10:25[Laughter] connor?
01:10:32- Hey, morgan.
01:10:35- Hi.
01:10:35Uh, you remember dick lobo, the producer ofcfi: hotlanta.
01:10:40- Hey.
01:10:41- Of course.
01:10:43- And the entire rest of the cast.
01:10:44- Yeah, ron, mary kay, jo-jo, ..what are you guys doin' here?
01:10:49- Oh, we're in town to shoot this fabulous crossover promo withcfi: miami.
01:10:54- Oh, cool.
01:10:55- You know, somebody suggested if I was in miami, this is the place to come.
01:10:59- That was me. - right.
01:11:01Right, yeah, so what are you doing here?
01:11:05You researching a role for tv or somethin'?
01:11:08- Yeah, not really.
01:11:09I--i actually just work here.
01:11:12Keepin' it real, huh?
01:11:15Good for you, dawg.
01:11:16- Okay.
01:11:19So, can I get you all started off with something to drink?
01:11:23- I told myself I wasn't going to put my thumbprint into every dessert and yet-- that's impossible.
01:11:39I never touched that one.
01:11:40You know, you're gonna have to start over now.
01:11:42I know.
01:11:44I told myself I wasn't going to put-- - if this undefeated, you are--should be depleted.
01:15:21When you go against me, you gonna be needing a paramedic, p-a-r-a dick-paramedic.
01:15:29- Ahh-ugh.
01:15:31Zongo's in the house.
01:15:33[Music] you guys see nuts?
01:15:46I want all the wait staff skipping just like nuts, now.
01:15:51God damn it, I said now.
01:15:53Skip, skip.
01:15:55Everybody, keep skipping, keep skipping.
01:15:59In one place, hop up and down.
01:16:01There you go, man.
01:16:03Skip it like you mean it. keep skipping.
01:16:12[Singing] - that's great. I love it.
01:16:20We'll take all of it.
01:16:21- Nuts, nuts. - tara, tara, tara, tara.
01:16:24- Rich, he is over the edge, we have to help him.
01:16:26- Let it slide, he's selling like crazy.
01:16:28- You don't care? - I totally care.
01:16:33- Rich, look at him.
01:16:34 that doesn't bother you?
01:16:37- Keep up the good work, okay?
01:16:38- Rich, come on, something's wrong.
01:16:40- If you need anything, ask for zongo.
01:16:42- In second place is connor and in first place nuts/zongo.
01:16:47- Oh nuts is in first now. jesus christ.
01:16:49- Rich, he's bazonkers, get him off the floor.
01:16:52- Yeah. - yeah.
01:16:53- Look, aren't we all little bazonkers?
01:16:54 is it because of the champ?
01:16:57- That's ridiculous. we have a job to do.
01:16:58- Nuts and zongo should at least count as two different people.
01:17:01- I agree. - yes.
01:17:02- Look, if it's any consolation, you're all really close together-- - oh! - except for you, donnie.
01:17:06- Oh.
01:17:07- Oh my god, excuse me.
01:17:09 you know-- - not to be an asshole, but I ain't losing to some lunatic.
01:17:17- But then if you don't like mauve, we can totally do some kinda like texture, mosaic, finger painting or some kind of tile.
01:17:23- Excuse me.
01:17:23I just wanted to let you know that the chef is pushing out your dessert from the oven.
01:17:30It'll just be a few minutes.
01:17:32- Well, that is fantastic, detective shep winford.
01:17:36Now, why don't you track me down another drink and tell them to put some booze in it this time, yeah?
01:17:42- Coming right up.
01:17:43- Are you sure, you want another one?
01:17:44- Yes. - maybe a virgin rum and coke.
01:17:47- That would just be coke.
01:17:49- Ooh, that sounds delicious.
01:17:52That table over there just ordered two rounds of premium tequila.
01:17:55Are you all just gonna sit here while they make you look like a bunch of ..] pussies?
01:17:58- Hell, no dude, we'll take three rounds.
01:18:01- [...] YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU ALL, PHI TAUs?
01:18:02- PHI TAUs. - AHH, YEAH, COME ON NOW, Give it to me, give it to me, give it.
01:18:05- Let's take him down.
01:18:07- I know where he keeps his meds.
01:18:08- Yeah.
01:18:10- Oh baby-- - yeah baby.
01:18:13- Fidel, this is for a pissed off movie star, so give it some balls.
01:18:17Mm-hmm, yeah, do it.
01:18:19Go, and go.
01:18:21That's what I'm talking about.
01:18:22- Hola, diablo blancos. zongo like vodka.
01:18:27- You're doing okay, zongo?
01:18:30- Hello zongo.
01:18:32- You gonna take it zongo.
01:18:33- Nobody puts zongo in a cage.
01:18:36- No one's trying to put zongo in a cage, zongo.
01:18:39- Okay, I'll take it.
01:18:42- Oh.
01:18:44- Get him, c'mon.
01:18:52- I got him. I got him.
01:19:06- Hey, mr. lobo.
01:19:09- Men's room?
01:19:10all: IT'S DOWN THE HALL.
01:19:12- Miami.
01:19:15- There. got it. got it. got it.
01:19:19Easy, easy zongo, easy zongo.
01:19:20Shh, easy. that's good. that's good.
01:19:24- Zongo.
01:19:26- Get him up.
01:19:29- Hey, you look better.
01:19:32- Yeah, I'm better now.
01:19:33I'm gonna win this thing, face or no face.
01:19:36Gotta birthday table, and I got' em in the palm of my hand.
01:19:39So, you wanna sing with me?
01:19:41- Yes I do.
01:19:42- Get your poop in a group.
01:19:45- I think that--i mean-- I'm gonna be okay.
01:19:48- Any second now.
01:19:49- I'll believe it when I see it.
01:19:54- Augh. - sorry.
01:20:03Connor, hi.
01:20:04 lobo, I just need a minute of your time to talk about why you fired me.
01:20:08- Connor, please.
01:20:10I don't know what you're talking about.
01:20:12- It's okay, I understand.
01:20:13I mean, you cast me to play a big-nosed cop and I got a nose job, stupid.
01:20:18- I didn't even know you had a nose job.
01:20:20Looks pretty good though, turn your head that way, good.
01:20:23Who's your doctor?
01:20:24..] beak.
01:20:26She's got beanbag tits and a big caboose, too.
01:20:29My poor girl is gonna have a hard road ahead.
01:20:31 lobo, I know I made a mistake, I mean-- - look kid, I didn't fire you for having a small nose.
01:20:35 lobo, I'm not gonna turn you into the nose police.
01:20:40- You kill me, man.
01:20:41- No, no.
01:20:41It was--it was hard growing up with that nose.
01:20:43..] moron, do you know that?
01:20:46- What?
01:20:49It's all nose jokes.
01:20:50I've been nosing around. I smell a rat.
01:20:52And then you show up with that little cat nose.
01:20:54Doesn't make any sense.
01:20:55Do you realize how hard it is to rewrite an entire season?
01:20:59- No sir.
01:21:00- You're a kid with a big nose, you got on , ..] it up.
01:21:05..] it up.
01:21:08 lobo, I found out about this place that does nose enlargements.
01:21:13And if all goes well, I could actually have the money to do it by tomorrow.
01:21:17The new honker is gonna be a goddamn fire hose.
01:21:21- What are we supposed to do?
01:21:23Bring back detective shep winford from the dead with a big nose.
01:21:27..] x-files.
01:21:31Uh-uh, good bye.
01:21:35- Ahh.
01:21:36- So you didn't donkey punch morgan fairchild?
01:21:40- Ah, jesus christ.
01:21:43- [Whistle] [music] - hey.
01:21:53- Wasn't I in last place an hour ago?
01:21:56- Yes you were.
01:21:58- Was zongo here?
01:21:59- Oh, zongo was here all right.
01:22:00Sold 18 entrees to a party of six.
01:22:02- I don't remember any of that.
01:22:04- Not even the champ offering ten grand?
01:22:06- Ten grand for what?
01:22:08- Top seller.
01:22:15..] Dodo bird.
01:22:23- [Straining] - [groaning] - nuts, are you okay?
01:22:41- I am zongo.
01:22:43- Argh.
01:22:44- That's right, I'm still gonna win this contest, 'cause I can hold it together under pressure.
01:22:49Welcome tothe slammin' salmon.
01:22:51Be graceful and amazing because that's what I am.
01:22:56[Music] - donnie - ahh.
01:23:01..] is donnie?
01:23:03- I'm donnie, mr. salmon.
01:23:07- Good try, dave.
01:23:09- No, I'm dave's twin brother.
01:23:13- And you know what? another thing.
01:23:14I don't care how severe her peanut allergy is.
01:23:17- Wow.
01:23:17Did anybody ever tell you, you guys look exactly alike?
01:23:21- Every day.
01:23:21- Is that why you wear the blue lipstick?
01:23:24Either way, I hope you like hospital food.
01:23:26- No, I was recently-- I was a bus boy, I wasn't a part of this thing and they-- - yeah, you know what?
01:23:32Excuses are like assholes.
01:23:33Everody has got one, but don't nobody want to admit it.
01:23:38Now,get your ass out of last place or I'm gonna use your spine for a jump rope.
01:23:51I'd still hit that.
01:23:59- I got it. - nice.
01:24:02Dude, where is the south african big diamond?
01:24:28expedia, my friends at work thinkthere's more than " ...because on our trips,i always get there faster.
01:24:32See, expedia lets memix and match airlines.
01:24:35.. and another home.
01:24:39So with more flight options,i can find the combination that gets me thereand back quickest.
01:24:46With a littlehelp from expedia, my friends will think ican be everywhere at once.
01:24:50Where you bookmatters. expedia.
01:25:28the time ♪
01:25:29♪ check the wife check the kids check your email messages ♪
01:25:31♪ check the money in the bank check the gas in the tank ♪
01:25:33.. ♪
01:25:35..wait that's a dude, no thanks ♪
01:25:36♪ check the new hairdo check the mic one two ♪
01:25:38♪ 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge right on top of you ♪
01:25:40♪ you check a lot of things already why not add one more ♪
01:25:42♪ that can help your situation for sure ♪
01:25:45♪ check your credit score ♪
01:25:47♪ free-credit-score-dot-com free-credit-score ♪
01:25:50♪ you won't regret it at all ♪
01:25:53 offer applies with enrollment in triple advantage.
01:27:13[ Female Announcer ] coming.
01:27:14But women have made olay regenerist #1.
01:27:16Though not surgical results, regenerist is the #1 serum, night cream, and moisturizer.
01:27:21Not drastic. just fantastic.
01:27:23Get younger-looking skin with regenerist.
01:27:26♪ ♪
01:27:29 hotlanta and its record 15 emmy award nominations.
01:27:33- Yeah. - yeah, yeah.
01:27:35Oh, conner, come here. come here son.
01:27:41Come here, come here.
01:27:45Hey, buddy, we couldn't have done it without you, man.
01:27:48- Here, here. - here, here.
01:27:51- Thanks a million.
01:27:52- Oh conner, have you met our newest cast member?
01:27:55This is steve lemmaducci.
01:27:57- Hey buddy, what's cracking?
01:28:00Call me dootsch.
01:28:01Hey, what are those guys eatin' over there?
01:28:05- Over there? that's the salmon.
01:28:10- Oh yeah, that smells beautiful.
01:28:12Hustle me out one of those, and a chocotini, dry.
01:28:16Thanks pal. - the dootsch.
01:28:20- Conner, look, I just know you're gonna find another show really soon.
01:28:25- Thank you, morgan.
01:28:26- And that being said, I also know that I ordered my ahi tuna seared and baby, this is not seared.
01:28:34- I'll get that right back to you.
01:28:37- Thank you.
01:28:46- Donnie, what are you doing?
01:28:52Are you crying?
01:28:54- No.
01:28:55- What is that?
01:28:57It's not coming off.
01:28:59- The champ is gonna kill me.
01:29:00There is no way I can get out of last place.
01:29:02- Oh donnie, he is not gonna kill you.
01:29:04- Didn't you hear, last place is a broken rib sandwich?
01:29:07- Oh, you see-- breaking your ribs won't kill you.
01:29:12Okay look, donnie, why don't you take one of my tables.
01:29:15The mcnaulty's-- they're great tippers and they've got a huge check.
01:29:19My gift to you.
01:29:20- Shut up, you need that money for school.
01:29:21- Nutella's check is over a thousand dollars.
01:29:24Once I close her out, I'm gonna shoot past everyone.
01:29:27Take the table.
01:29:28- Really? - yeah.
01:29:31- Oh yeah, how would I pay you back?
01:29:33- Well, I don't know, take me out for a broken rib sandwich sometime.
01:29:38 - come on, you lush-- - welcome to the slammin' salmon.
01:29:48My name is zongo.
01:29:49How's everybody feline this evening?
01:29:53 would anybody like a try?
01:30:00Oh yes.
01:30:01Everybody take a sip, mm-hmm delicious.
01:30:06How about you ma'am?
01:30:07How does that taste, how does that taste?
01:30:09How does that taste, how does that taste?
01:30:12How does that taste, how does that taste?
01:30:14How does that taste, how does that taste?
01:30:16How does that taste, how does that taste?
01:30:20Argh-augh, [screaming] [gas passing] definitely the hardest substance known to man.
01:30:32Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, it's real good.
01:30:37Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
01:30:49Oh my god, oh I love it.
01:30:52- I'm glad you like it.
01:30:54- Yes, yes, I'll marry you.
01:31:03I love you so much.
01:31:04- I love you too, baby.
01:31:06- Tara, tara, tara, tara.
01:31:07Can you go and check on nuts, please?
01:31:09- Why do I have to do it? rich, I'm slammed.
01:31:10- Because you're a doctor, come on.
01:31:12- I'm not even close to being a doctor.
01:31:13I'm a second year med student.
01:31:15..] up.
01:31:16- Come on, isn't it part of your hippocrastic oath?
01:31:18 look, don't put this on me okay?
01:31:20He got punched out by that gigantic mongoloid, because you denied him his medication.
01:31:24You sold him out just like you sold out mia and that poor kid donnie.
01:31:27And all because you're afraid of cleon.
01:31:30God, you're a real spineless pussy, rich.
01:31:34- Hey, three of them. - I know.
01:31:38- Oh jesus.
01:31:39- Look at these babies.
01:31:41- Hi.
01:31:43What are you doing here?
01:31:44Well, the kids couldn't sleep, so I thought we pop in and say hi.
01:31:47- Mrs. rich parente in the house.
01:31:50- Hey, champ. - hey.
01:31:53- Cleon, I don't mean to be mean, but baby, you need some listerine.
01:31:59 always tells it like it is.
01:32:03 hey, it's uncle cleon.
01:32:08Damn, they all look the same.
01:32:09..] a xerox machine.
01:32:12- Watch your god damn mouth in front of my kids.
01:32:15- It's uncle cleon, watch it-- - no, no, not too close.
01:32:17Okay. easy now, okay.
01:32:20- Now, how in the hell did you wind up with the champ's sister?
01:32:22- Well, believe it or not, the champ introduced us, and we fell in love and had these babies.
01:32:29And here we are.
01:32:30- When I first was made aware of richardo here, he cracked his head open running out of my office.
01:32:35And I thought right away, this guy is such a pussy.
01:32:41I knew he was such a pussy that he would never ever cheat on my sister.
01:32:46No, I'm serious.
01:32:47You wanna know what my nickname for him was?
01:32:48..] Mc[...].
01:32:52Because he was such pussy.
01:32:54[Laughter] why isn't anybody laughing? - it's amazing.
01:33:00- Hey babies, yes, yes.
01:33:02- The middle one has your head.
01:33:03- No don't, don't, okay.
01:33:07Okay, we got some movement, you guys.
01:33:09- Oh wow.
01:33:12You gave donnie all of nuts' huge tables.
01:33:15- Guy, it's anyone's game still, all right.
01:33:17It's only 250 bucks separating first and last.
01:33:20It's anyone's game, right?
01:33:21- You better not be lying, because I will cut you.
01:33:23- All right, one hour left, go get 'em guys, all right.
01:33:27- Mia, mia, mia, I just got the last table, you got 'em.
01:33:30It's the miami dolphins' offensive line and they're starving, good luck.
01:33:35Sorry but, you know-- - this is so not over.
01:33:39You're gonna burn, baby.
01:33:41- I'm not losing this thing, I'm not losing thing.
01:33:44- All right, if you ladies are like me, ..] load of lobster.
01:33:46- I'm not leaving until you people are heaving.
01:33:49- So that's four orders of the alaskan king crab legs.
01:34:02- Hey, how are you?
01:34:02I couldn't help but overhear that you ordered the king crab.
01:34:05Well, we came in here, dead set on the san francisco cioppino, but that young lad made those king crab legs sound irresistible.
01:34:12- It's just that you look like good people, and the chef asked us not to sell the king crab, because it's a week old.
01:34:21- Why would that waiter recommend something that's turned?
01:34:23- It's one of the most expensive items on the menu.
01:34:26You can figure it out.
01:34:27But please, you didn't hear it from me.
01:34:30My name is guy.
01:34:33- I like him more, he is-- - yeah.
01:34:34- Now that's the man I trust.
01:34:37- Hi guys, welcome to the slammin' salmon.
01:34:42My name is mia, and I'll be your waitress.
01:34:43I apologize for my appearance, but I was in an explosion.
01:34:49- Is this like make a wish foundation?
01:34:51- Yes, definitely.
01:34:52- That's great, and now what a brave lady, I mean, showing your face in public like this.
01:34:58I'll tell you what, mia, we're starving.
01:35:00So just start us off with some appetizers.
01:35:03- Of course.
01:35:04We'll take two t-bone steaks, two each, two each.
01:35:08- Okay, okay.
01:35:10I want some calamari on them.
01:35:12- Good luck on your nose job.
01:35:14- Thank you, mr. lobo.
01:35:15- Give me a call when the bandages come off.
01:35:17- Okay.
01:35:18- Yeah, we're doing cfi greek town, you might be right for detective stavros papadopoulos.
01:35:23- Okay.
01:35:24- Feel like I'm gonna give birth?
01:35:26- Thank you mr. lobo. - thank you, conner.
01:35:29It's so good to see you again.
01:35:30- Great to see you too morgan. you look terrific.
01:35:32- Oh, thank you.
01:35:33- Hey man, you're a hell of a waiter.
01:35:35Don't quit your day job.
01:35:38- Get lost.
01:35:40- Ha-ha, enjoy not winning ten grand, sucker.
01:35:44- Oh honey, that's so cute, but I still have nutella and oof, it is a huge check.
01:35:49 when I'm done with school, I'll fix your nose for free, any shape you want, okay?
01:35:54Button nose, cute little clown nose, oh, a brown nose, that works well for you.
01:39:01Meatball on white...Next!
01:39:02Ya' want mustard on that or not?
01:39:04C'mon, c'mon, I haven't got all day here.
01:39:05It doesn't come with peppers - they're extra...
01:39:07Hurry up! Pay the lady... Next!
01:39:10Chicken's fresh - I killed it myself.
01:39:11So that's what you want? ... Next!
01:39:13While we're still young...
01:39:14Ya' know you told me you wanted mustard ...
01:39:15get outta here!
01:39:17Time's up! Back of the line!
01:39:18Hey, excuse me...
01:39:21Great sandwich... Thanks!
01:39:23♪ You didn't have to beso nice ♪
01:39:27♪ I would have liked you anyway ♪
01:39:35- And I came in here dead set on the san francisco cioppino.
01:39:39- I'm very sorry sir, we will change your order right away and guy will be your waiter.
01:39:43- What?
01:39:44- Donnie, the table is guy's now.
01:39:46 no it was-- - see I can step up to the plate.
01:39:50- Finally.
01:39:53- Some pitchers of beer, that bucket of jumbo shrimp, that spinach-artichoke dip and of course, that 8-pound lobster you were talking about, and that should do it.
01:40:04- Okay.
01:40:05Oh baby girl, what's wrong?
01:40:07It's just, you guys are so nice, and this is my biggest check ever and I just-- I just really needed this.
01:40:14- And you're the nicest waitress we've ever had.
01:40:16You know, mia, I know you were pretty once.
01:40:20- Thank you.
01:40:32- Oh, god.
01:40:34- That's disgusting. I'm gonna be sick.
01:40:47- I wanna win.
01:40:53- And, word to your mother.
01:40:56- All right girl.
01:41:04- Nutella, I'm sorry, this isn't the check that I gave you.
01:41:07- Yeah, it is.
01:41:09Champ comped us.
01:41:10- I threw a little knee, uh, right there, pins him down, bam.
01:41:16- Well,hnere you dissatisfied with the service, you didn't leave a tip.
01:41:22- Do the math, 20 percent of nothing is nothing.
01:41:26- Come on you all, we outie.
01:42:07- Here you go, I didn't wanna interrupt.
01:42:10- Thank you.
01:42:11Have you read this?
01:42:13- No, I can't say that I have.
01:42:15- I did not know anything, anything at all until now.
01:42:22You know, you remind me of a young andrew bolkonski.
01:42:25- Oh, thank you.
01:42:28- No, thank you, thank you.
01:42:42- I'm sorry sir, I think you made a mistake.
01:42:45I can't take that much money.
01:42:47- I didn't make a mistake.
01:42:49What's your name?
01:42:50- Donald knoghy.
01:42:52- I'm dying, donald knoghy.
01:42:54My doctor told me that I have a month to live.
01:42:59Have you ever heard of shistifisiasis?
01:43:02- No, I haven't.
01:43:04- Well, I've got it, and I've got it hard.
01:43:07- Oh, my god.
01:43:08- All I wanted to do tonight was to sit quietly, have a nice meal, read a little russian pre-existentialism.
01:43:15It was pretty crowded, but unlike the other waiter, you were content to let me sit here nonetheless.
01:43:22And I thank you for that.
01:43:25- But sir-- - no, young man, you can't take it with you.
01:43:32Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta lot of living to do before I die.
01:44:07- No.
01:44:11- That poor man.
01:44:12You know, it really puts things into perspective.
01:44:16..] Him and the horse that rode over him.
01:44:18- That's guy, big heart, big hair.
01:44:21..] in there, and now you gotta box trifecta.
01:44:24- You know what?
01:44:25It's way too late for that kind of chatter.
01:44:27- Hey-o, I got the totals.
01:44:29All right. who wants to see some results?
01:44:31- I do, I do.
01:44:32 this is pretty exciting.
01:44:34- Moment of truth.
01:44:35- Gather around, everybody.
01:44:37- Yeah. - I'm excited.
01:44:40Are you guys ready?
01:44:41- Yes. - yeah.
01:44:42- Okay, first before I start, let me just say, I'm really proud of you guys.
01:44:46- Thank you.
01:44:47- Very proud, I think you did a great job tonight.
01:44:49- Thank you. - here we go.
01:44:52In third place is the waiter-- - oh, jesus christ.
01:44:57- Who did a god job tonight.
01:44:58- Say it, you big dog. - come on.
01:45:01- And his name is nuts.
01:45:04- Hey, nuts.
01:45:05- Bring the pickle jar, all right.
01:45:07- Great. - okay.
01:45:08- Bring it.
01:45:09- Here we go, in second place, and runner up is-- - come on. - connor.
01:45:18- What? but, who won?
01:45:19- Drum roll please, drum roll, great, thank you.
01:45:25And the winner of the $10,000 prize ..
01:45:33[Screaming] tara. - oh my god.
01:45:36- Hump the goose.
01:45:38- What? - oh my god, I won.
01:45:40- How is that even possible?
01:45:41- Well, the guy who got hit by the horse gave her a $1,000 tip.
01:45:45- I had that table, that's my table.
01:45:49- Jesus, donnie.
01:45:51- You gave me a table, I gave you a table.
01:45:53- That is the most selfless thing anyone has ever done for me.
01:45:57- Well, when the champ kills me, just see to it I get a decent burial.
01:46:00- Oh, you're not gonna die, I'll give you mouth-to-mouth.
01:46:04- Stick a sock in it before I puke.
01:46:08- Richardo, it's time.
01:46:423Q dealt with the itching of athlete's foot.
01:46:45I can't just wash it away.
01:46:47Killing it takes clinical strength.
01:46:48I only use lotrimin ultra.
01:46:50It's powerful formula can even cure severe cases of athlete's foot.
01:46:53Nothing cures better.
01:46:54Lotrimin ultra.
01:46:55The killer cure.
01:49:58- What is the final take?
01:49:59Am I sitting in the lap of luxury or wha - well, we made $19,017.
01:50:08- Wow, 19,000, pretty good.
01:50:13But last time I checked, 19 is lower than 20, right?
01:50:20That makes you a grand short, short shorts.
01:50:26What's that?
01:50:27- The waiters' tips.
01:50:29- Problem solved.
01:50:29I'll just take a grand out of that then.
01:50:32- Oh no, no, no. hold on.
01:50:33- Excuse me champ-- uh, about the 10 grand.
01:50:36- Not now, tara.
01:50:37- Later, the what?
01:50:38- The $10,000?
01:50:39- Oh, there is no $10,000.
01:50:41That was all predicated on an illusion.
01:50:45- I don't understand.
01:50:46- Okay, I'll break it down.
01:50:47If I needed to make 20 tonight, why would I give away 10?
01:50:51That makes no sense, right rich?
01:50:56- Right.
01:50:57- Thank you,adieu.
01:51:06- Champ.
01:51:10This money belongs to the waiters.
01:51:13And you owe tara $10,000. - whoa.
01:51:16- What the hell is wrong with you richardo?
01:51:18- You offered a prize and now you owe her.
01:51:22- You wanna make something of it?
01:51:27- Yeah, I do.
01:51:32[All gasp] - well, well, well.
01:51:38Look like somebody's little acorns done grown the big nuts.
01:51:43You're finally acting like a man, but you're too little, too late.
01:51:47I still gotta pay the yakuza 20,000 yen.
01:51:51- Wait, yen or dollars?
01:51:53- Same thing, stupid.
01:51:56Yen is japanese for dollars.
01:51:58- Oh.
01:51:59- Actually champ, 20,000 yen is about 170 american dollars.
01:52:06- Ah, so.
01:52:08In circumspeculation that makes sense.
01:52:11When I was in the orient, I used to wonder to myself, why is everything so small, yet so expensive?
01:52:19 dolittle, 170 for me, 10 grand for you.
01:52:28What do you think I should do with the rest of it?