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Aired at 11:30 PM on Sunday, Oct 11, 2009 (10/11/2009)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:00Can we see the wide shot?
00:00:06[Laughter] >> yeah.
00:00:08Looks like china will be diving for second.
00:00:10[Laughter] >> welcome to tosh.0.
00:00:13I'm your host, lane kiffin.
00:00:15[Laughter] >> people on-line say I look like him.
00:00:20I don't see it and I certainly wouldn't disrespect florida.
00:00:24Ooh, that's because I'm not a loser.
00:00:26[Laughter] >> it's good to be back on the air.
00:00:29We had a nice mandatory vacation.
00:00:31You might have noticed that I've upgraded to cardigans.
00:00:34That's right, no more hoodies.
00:00:36[Laughter] I'm wearing nothing but tight fitting cardigans like I'm mr.
00:00:40[Bleep] rogers.
00:00:42[Laughter] get used to it!
00:00:43On today's show -- we give the tron guy a much needed web redemption.
00:00:47[Laughter] >> I learn not everyone loves a macho man randy savage impression.
00:00:52>> We talk to youtube sensation, fred.
00:00:55>> And if there is time, we'll take bets on the next celebrity suicide.
00:00:58[Laughter] >> do you hear that?
00:01:03I'd know that sound anywhere.
00:01:07It's oprah peeing.
00:01:08[Laughter] yeah, I'm told someone looped this video, but I believe that she really had to go super bad.
00:01:14[Laughter] and you don't want to hold it.
00:01:17That can lead to a uti.
00:01:18Fact!
00:01:20Urinary tract infections are no joke.
00:01:23[Laughter] my recommendation, a lot of cranberry juice.
00:01:26Alright.
00:01:27Let's sexy up the show.
00:01:34♪♪♪♪
00:01:39>> I guess dancing at spring break was on her bucket list.
00:01:42[Laughter] let's put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments we can post.
00:01:52Finally a white chick black guys don't want.
00:01:54[Laughter] my beer goggles need beer goggles.
00:01:58[Laughter] she can make her c-section clap.
00:02:01[Laughter] whatever, the older the berry the sweeter the juice prune juice.
00:02:10The upside to banging her is she probably can't get pregnant anymore.
00:02:12[Laughter] spring break.
00:02:14Seniors rule!
00:02:18Pay close attention to this next video cause it's one of my personal favorites.
00:02:29[Cheering] >> yeah!
00:02:40[Cheering].
00:02:43>> Baby blue, I see you two weeks, baby blue!
00:02:46>> You guys are smiling.
00:02:49You have to be dancing.
00:02:52>> You have to be -- >> ah!
00:02:53I miss being 37.
00:02:54[Laughter] I bet the entire carpool lane smells like axe body spray.
00:02:58[Laughter] >> you want to know why do i love this video so much?
00:03:02Because it reminds me of when me and my friends head to the jersey shore.
00:03:05[Laughter] >> now we're talking video!
00:03:18>> Ow.
00:03:19>> I'm ready!
00:03:24>> Whoo-hoo.
00:03:25>> Are you ready!
00:03:26[Laughter] >> that's why I got my had on!
00:03:34[Laughter] >> baby blue, I see you in two weeks, baby blue.
00:03:39>> You got to be smiling, got to be dancing.
00:03:43>> You better step it up -- [bleep].
00:03:50>> Can't wait to watch this on [bleep].
00:03:55Youtube.
00:03:55>> And yes.
00:03:55We all got laid that weekend.
00:03:56[Laughter] >> she's still going.
00:04:00It's really soothing.
00:04:02No wonder stedman and gail sleep so soundly.
00:04:04[Laughter] alright.
00:04:06Knock it off.
00:04:09Normally I hate cute videos but this is one smooth ass kid.
00:04:16[Laughter] [applause] >> I'll will give you $100 if you can teach my asian girlfriend to do that.
00:04:23[Laughter] it's impressive, but he can't color for -- we did a little research.
00:04:32It turns out the reason he was in such a hurry is because he had a dead hooker in the trunk, [laughter] a tiny dead hooker in the trunk.
00:04:41[Laughter] >> in the trunk.
00:04:47All right.
00:04:53>> I can't.
00:04:57I can't.
00:04:57>> Oh!
00:04:58I'd break my own leg before i let gilbert grapes mom ride me.
00:04:59[Laughter] I think it's great that she's outside getting exercise.
00:05:02And it'd be too easy to make a bunch of fat jokes and that's why we're going to do it in this week's video breakdown.
00:05:07[Applause] >> alright.
00:05:14First, notice the camo shirt.
00:05:15She got that from an army surplus store.
00:05:18It was used to provide shelter for three platoons.
00:05:20[Laughter] alright.
00:05:22Roll it.
00:05:25It starts off pretty horrible.
00:05:26I mean, if you need the help of a pickup truck to get on a horse, you should choose another leisure time activity.
00:05:29[Laughter] >> I can't.
00:05:34>> I can't?
00:05:35You mean you shouldn't.
00:05:35[Laughter] >> come on, brenda.
00:05:38I can't.
00:05:38Who is going to revenge the death of your brother?
00:05:46>> This is too much work.
00:05:47>> I'll tell you who this is too much work for.
00:05:48The horse.
00:05:48You know that old expression, "i'm so hungry I could eat a " I'm pretty sure that's what spooked him.
00:05:53[Laughter] [bleep] >> you leave dennis out of this.
00:06:01He's letting you max-out the payload on his tacoma.
00:06:03[Laughter] >> alright.
00:06:11She gets one leg over!
00:06:12It's gonna happen.
00:06:15And if you listen carefully, you can hear horse's spirit and spine breaking.
00:06:18[Laughter] >> oh, and she's off.
00:06:23Fun ride though.
00:06:24>> This is what rock bottom looks like.
00:06:27[Laughter] it's okay, brenda, you can still ride the truck.
00:06:33And as for dennis who had the foresight to stand far enough back so that he could get all of that cow-girl in frame and put it on the internet.
00:06:39[Bleep] you, dennis.
00:06:40[Bleep] you so much.
00:06:42[Laughter] [applause] >> we'll be right back with the tron guy's web redemption.
00:06:51But first, did you know that some people look at the internet while they're stoned?
00:06:53Yeah.
00:06:54I know.
00:06:54Appalling.
00:06:58Well at highdeas, these pot heads can post their ramblings.
00:07:00Enjoy.
00:07:03>> There must be grams upon grams of weed in my carpet.
00:07:08Someone needs to invent a weed magnet.
00:07:11I must smoke my carpet weed.
00:07:16>> I'm going to buy a baby gorilla and teach him human ways.
00:07:24When it's big enough, I'm going to buy a saddle here you go.
00:07:45 that's some serious insurance.
00:07:47Ding-ding-ding!
00:07:47 fun fact -- progressive is the number-one truck insurer.
00:07:51Yeah, great service at the right price.
00:07:52And nowadays, my business depends on it.
00:07:54Do you have anything like that for my car?
00:07:56 our car insurance comes with 24/7 claim service, and you can save hundreds.
00:08:02So, what you haulin'?
00:08:03Oh, eight-year-olds to soccer practice.
00:08:05Nine!
00:08:06Oh, precious cargo.
00:08:07Protecting what matters most to you.
00:08:10Now, that's progressive.
00:08:11Call or click today.
00:10:48>> I came up with a concept for this tron guy costume by going to a science fiction convention.
00:11:03>> Ah.
00:11:03You don't need a time machine to know that guy got tons of ass in high school.
00:11:05Tron is a movie from the 80s where a dude gets sucked into a computer.
00:11:10To be honest, I couldn't even make it through the trailer, so I'm not entirely sure how accurately this guy has embarrassed himself, but I'm guessing he did a good job.
00:11:20There are worse movie themes tron guy could have chosen.
00:11:21He could have been: Jennifer's body guide.
00:11:27>> By the way, diablo cody -- if that is your real stage name -- you keep writing turds like this, and you're going to have to return that oscar and hop back on that pole for those two for ones.
00:11:33[Laughter] but I digress.
00:11:36What really amazes me is how famous tron guy has become.
00:11:39Since when did making a tron costume or carrying a light saber, turn you into a celebrity?
00:11:43I've always looked up to people who could slay - not dragons.
00:11:50But in their defense, playing magic the gathering is no different than playing fantasy football or watching porn.
00:11:54It's all just a way to escape reality.
00:11:59Tron guy doesn't care what you think.
00:12:00He just genuinely loves tron, and I respect that.
00:12:02I used to be deep into the club scene, so I know how it feels to dress like a douche bag.
00:12:07[Laughter] [applause] that's why I decided to beam jay, aka tron guy, to hollywood in this week's web redemption.
00:12:22[Applause] >> hello.
00:12:31Has the tron party of two shown up?
00:12:37>> Tell me why you love the movie tron.
00:12:40>> Tron really caught my imagination.
00:12:44But I never had any outlet.
00:12:52A science fiction about computers and movie would be great inspiration.
00:12:55>> Looks like spandex and hockey equipment.
00:12:59>> A great description.
00:13:01This color of paint I picked because I thought it closely matches the color.
00:13:07These are football shoulder guards.
00:13:09This is wire that is threaded through holes.
00:13:11The helmet, it's a hockey helmet.
00:13:14This is the same hockey helmet that is used in the movie.
00:13:17>> Do you read what people write?
00:13:19>> I do.
00:13:20But I decided that in the end, i was going to have fun my way.
00:13:26If they didn't like it, it was their problem.
00:13:27>> Who is laughing now?
00:13:28>> Exactly.
00:13:29I'm talking to a guy here on comedy central.
00:13:32>> A guy.
00:13:32Are you ready to begin our train something.
00:13:35>> Let's do it.
00:13:36>> Let's play frisbee.
00:13:39>> It's an identity disc.
00:13:42>> Does tron have any -- >> heads-up.
00:13:44>> That was lousy, wasn't it?
00:13:49>> Good catch!
00:13:51Ah!
00:13:51>> Boy, that was useless.
00:13:52>> Enough of the identity disc.
00:13:54Let's work on your cardio.
00:13:55Have you ever been on a tron cycle?
00:13:57>> Nope.
00:13:58>> Are they fast?
00:13:59>> I'm not sure that fast holds any meaning in that universe.
00:14:04>> Ah.
00:14:05>> When you start thinking about what goes on inside a computer and turning it into something that a human sucked into a machine could understand, you have to answer with bytes.
00:14:20[Laughter] >> left, right, right.
00:14:27>> Our idea for the web redemption since you have the suit was to get you in the tron world.
00:14:32>> How does that sound to you?
00:14:33>> Fantastic.
00:14:34Hope you're up for the battle.
00:14:36>> I think I am.
00:14:37>> You look wonderful.
00:14:38You're in top physical condition.
00:14:41The world wants to know, are you ready to give it another shot?
00:14:45>> Let's do it.
00:14:46>> Good luck.
00:14:48May the force be with you.
00:14:51>> Umm!
00:14:52>> Oh, my goodness, it worked!
00:14:56Enjoy the ride, tron guy!
00:14:57[Laughter] >> I'll see him on the other side.
00:15:01[Laughter] >> now that I've entered the machine, my powers have never been stronger.
00:15:11>> Not so fast, tron guy.
00:15:13One more step and the girl gets it.
00:15:14>> Save me, tron guy.
00:15:16Save me!
00:15:18>> Let her go!
00:15:19>> First you'll have to catch me.
00:15:46>> Stay back!
00:15:50Or the girl will be de-red.
00:15:53>> That's what you think.
00:15:55>> By my power -- >> no!
00:16:02>> I love you, tron guy.
00:16:05[Applause] >> ah.
00:16:14You will be missed tron guy.
00:16:16We'll be back with fred, but 0 unsponsored prank of the week.
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00:18:50>> And now, inappropriate time to be macho man randy savage impression.
00:18:56Oh, yeah.
00:18:57Putting grandpa in a nursing home.
00:19:01>> I don't understand!
00:19:05>> You're going to a home, old man!
00:19:11Oh, yeah!
00:19:12>> Then a suicide attempt.
00:19:15>> I'm going to jump!
00:19:16>> Oh, the only way you're going off this roof is if I throw you.
00:19:22Oh, yes!
00:19:23>> Mowing the lawn.
00:19:27>> It looks like you missed a spot over there.
00:19:31Oh, yes.
00:19:32>> And putting the baby to bed.
00:19:33>> Oh, it's time to go to sleep, little girl.
00:19:37Oh, yeah.
00:19:38Lights out!
00:19:44>> And your randy savage macho impressions.
00:19:49Oh, yeah.
00:19:50>> Oh, yeah!
00:19:51>> Oh, yeah!
00:19:51If you think you have a more inappropriate place to do a macho man randy savage impression, film it and send it to us at comedycentral.com/tosh.0.
00:19:59Alright.
00:20:00Have you ever heard of fred?
00:20:01Me neither.
00:20:02He's the most subscribed to person on youtube.
00:20:05He's gotten over 300 million hits.
00:20:07He has a clothing line at hot topic, not to mention he as a movie deal.
00:20:10So let's take a look at what made him so famous >> if you're wondering why I'm talking extraordinary right now, it's because I haven't taken my pill.
00:20:22>> Well, that will never get old.
00:20:24[Laughter] since I obviously don't get it, I invited fred for a live web chat to explain why I shouldn't hate him.
00:20:30Please welcome the youtube phenomenon, fred.
00:20:32[Applause] >> fred, you're probably pretty exciteded to be on my show.
00:20:39>> I have never heard of you.
00:20:40>> I'm excited to meet you, fred.
00:20:43>> You're talking to lucas.
00:20:45Fred is a character.
00:20:47Not real.
00:20:48>> Huh.
00:20:49Well, I asked me twitter followers if they have in questions.
00:20:56Traver 31 wanted to know if you could hold your head under water for 35 minutes.
00:21:02[Laughter] >> can you answer that?
00:21:04>> No, I can't.
00:21:05I can't hold my breath for 45 minutes.
00:21:08>> You should try.
00:21:08[Laughter] will your movie be the end of this fred thing?
00:21:14>> Yeah.
00:21:15I actually -- yeah, the fred movie will be like one of the last fred things.
00:21:20I want be doing it too much longer.
00:21:24>> Ooh.
00:21:25Thanks for coming on, fred.
00:21:27I appreciate it.
00:21:29>> Thanks for having me.
00:21:29[Laughter] >> who would've guessed he'd have a shitty internet connection?
00:21:35Well, I still don't understand why he's so popular.
00:21:37Maybe I need to eck in wh fred's number one fan, jake, who is a 10-year-old boy.
00:21:42Jake, thanks for being on the show.
00:21:46>> Pleasure to be here, daniel.
00:21:48>> Why is fred funny?
00:21:49>> Why is he funny?
00:21:53Because he talks like yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:57He makes weird faces.
00:21:59He has really good jokes.
00:22:01>> Okay.
00:22:03Stay off the jesus juice.
00:22:03[Laughter] >> remember to keep our secret.
00:22:06[Laughter] [applause] >> I can only hope that jake is as passionate about fred as the president of selena's fan club was about her.
00:22:19[Laughter] hang in there.
00:22:21It gets worse.
00:22:22[Laughter] maybe if I slow fred down I can hear what he's really saying.
00:22:28>> Obama is a muslim.
00:22:30[Laughter] show me a birth certificate.
00:22:34>> Now I get it.
00:22:36Not only is fred a comedy genius, but he's also an extreme conservative.
00:22:43[Laughter] >> did you have asparagus, oprah?
00:22:49That is rancid.
00:22:54As fred has shown us, anybody can become famous on the internet.
00:22:56All you have to do is go to our website and upload your clip for a chance to be our viewer video of the week.
00:22:59This week's winner is frontpagefilms.com.
00:23:04>> All right.
00:23:05So if you don't mind, I'm going to gradually weave your diagnosis into a normal every day conversation.
00:23:12>> Sounds like something we can do.
00:23:15>> Sure.
00:23:15How are you?
00:23:16>> Fine.
00:23:17>> That's weird.
00:23:19Because you have leukemia.
00:23:20[Laughter] >> whoo-hoo!
00:23:27[Applause] >> thanks, guys!
00:23:28We'll be right back with more reno 911!
00:23:31Too soon.
00:23:32[Applause] welcome to progressive.
00:25:05How may I help you?
00:25:07I'm looking for a deal on car insurance.
00:25:08I think I might have a coupon in here.
00:25:10There's an easier way.
00:25:11We've got the "name your price" option.
00:25:12You do?
00:25:14Follow me.
00:25:15You tell us how much you want to pay, and we'll build you a policy that fits your budget.
00:25:19And I still get great coverage?
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00:25:22Go ahead.
00:25:22You're the boss.
00:25:25I'm the boss of savings.
00:25:26More like the c.e.o.
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00:25:31Now, that's progressive.
00:25:31Call or click today.
00:26:40>> Welcome back.
00:26:42How were the commercials?
00:26:46[Laughter] I think that's funny.
00:26:48It's been a great summer for celebrity death pools.
00:26:50I went 16-0.
00:26:51Yeah.
00:26:52It's too easy.
00:26:540 created the first celebrity suicide pool.
00:26:58[Laughter] go to our website to give us your picks.
00:27:00A few rules.
00:27:02Accidental overdoses do count.
00:27:04[Laughter] he took a fistful of pills.
00:27:10He knew how that nap would end.
00:27:11[Laughter] but reality stars do not count as celebrities.
00:27:18They don't count, so don't pick 'em.
00:27:20[Laughter] and while I hope no one wins, if anyone knows mishca barton -- could you please remind her that she has nothing to live for because I could really use that $50.
00:27:31[Laughter] and if she does kill herself, don't worry.
00:27:34I will use that $50 for a charity.
00:27:40[Laughter] thank you so much for watching.
00:27:41Make sure you watch next week when I head to adultcon to teach porn stars a thing or two about fetishes.
00:27:46And we also give the backyard wrestler a web redemption.
00:27:56>> My guys!
00:27:56Don't worry, wrestling's fake.
00:27:59[Laughter] and don't forget to go to our 0 to submit your inappropriate "macho man" randy savage impressions.
00:28:07Also, follow me on twitter and check my tour dates so I can offended you in person.
00:28:10Last episode I asked you to guess what castro and I were looking at.
00:28:15Out of the 1,700 who submitted an answer, over 350 of you guessed I was looking at a penis.
00:28:20[Laughter] not making that number up.
00:28:25You're right.
00:28:26I was looking at a penis.
00:28:30You guys know me so well.
00:28:33No, I was looking at a squeak toy that just so happened to be hanging from a veiny, uncircumcised penis.
00:28:39[Laughter] goodnight.
00:28:40See you next week.
00:28:42[Applause]

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