Tosh.0   View more episodes

Aired at 10:00 PM on Sunday, Mar 13, 2011 (3/13/2011)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:26That alligator is 9 feet long.
00:00:30130 Pounds.
00:00:31Oh no.
00:00:31Look at that.
00:00:46I never thought that would happen in a million years.
00:00:49Welcome to tosh.0.
00:00:52Tonight is our 50th episode and if standards and practices had their way, our last.
00:00:56Feel free to send us gifts in appreciation of all my hard work and please no edible arrangements.
00:01:00No one ever wants those.
00:01:04" I assume they're touching it with their hands.
00:01:08Tonight on the show I talk politics with the world's craziest candidate I show you kiddy porn the whole family will love and I put an end to spam mail.
00:01:17Alright, let's head back to this video.
00:01:18Good lord.
00:01:20You know, it's hard to tell if this is an alligator or a crocodile because they both hate mexicans.
00:01:30Oh no, look at that.
00:01:32Oh, he forgot the safe word.
00:01:34"Guy's could you get this off " why don't you kick him with one of those boots made out of his mom?
00:01:42How come that audience is not going wild?
00:01:44What more do you want?
00:01:47Give it up.
00:01:49See you later, guy with your head in an alligator.
00:01:55Can you imagine how bad this show would be if asians didn't make videos?
00:02:01Alright, this is recess at the nike factory.
00:02:07The chinese have taken the foot binding a little too far.
00:02:10We get it.
00:02:11You guys make great walls.
00:02:18That was impressive.
00:02:18Because you know, if you have a single chink in that chain it won't work.
00:02:23Hey, that is an expression.
00:02:26You can look it up.
00:02:29If you think that was racist, that is because you're a racist.
00:02:33That was a world record 31-legged race, but don't celebrate too soon, china, the of a just knocked out a 32-person wheelbarrow race.
00:02:44Everybody up.
00:02:45Get it up.
00:02:47Get up.
00:02:56Stay up.
00:02:57Keep walking.
00:02:58All right.
00:02:59Come on.
00:03:00I like it.
00:03:03That's good enough.
00:03:05That's good enough.
00:03:06I'm pretty sure that's a world record.
00:03:09That was 31 guys and one girl, making it the second longest train ever run on our blogger, carly.
00:03:16The biggest complaint from people doing that?
00:03:17The smell of balls.
00:03:26Do you dudes want to see the 50-year storm bodie's been yapping about?
00:03:41That is an awful slide.
00:03:48How did her tankini not come !
00:03:49Because tankinis were designed to stay on.
00:03:51They were designed for girls who can't get rid of their freshman 15 oh, that's the slam that's too far?
00:03:59Nice line.
00:04:02Man, bad things have happened to them ever since they found that tiki doll.
00:04:08Does "all-inclusive" include funeral arrangements?
00:04:11Because that is one of the most beautiful places in the world to get smashed to death.
00:04:15Here's a guy who knows how to handle himself in the water.
00:04:24[Laughter] >> oh my gosh.
00:04:30Where could he possibly be going?
00:04:33I'm pretty sure that voids the warranty.
00:04:37His scooter works underwater, but if it drizzles I lose my directv signal?
00:04:43So don't talk to me about struggles.
00:04:44The lady in the next video is one of those people whose crap don't stink.
00:04:50No, it's okay.
00:04:51Get in there.
00:04:51No one's watching.
00:04:53There's only one way to find out there's nothing that could be in her pants that would make that okay.
00:05:01Now let's put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many crappy comments we can make.
00:05:07The bar has just been raised for getting out of jury duty "your honor.
00:05:14" it's either this or arby's.
00:05:20Hey stacey, saw you eating your own poop on tosh.0 last night.
00:05:27I hope you brought enough bum gum for everybody.
00:05:30Dingleberries are in season right now.
00:05:34I think it's mid march to april, is dingleberries it's a really short window.
00:05:38What's next?
00:05:58Let's pause for station identification in this week's breakdown.
00:06:05[Clapping] this is in greece, and you're listening to dj gyros on the wackiest morning zoo in all of sparta.
00:06:15Looks like a little fire has started behind him, they don't call it hot 99 jamz for nothing.
00:06:23Good call.
00:06:23Just spread that around a little bit.
00:06:26I can't understand what he's saying but that's because it's all greek to me.
00:06:34Caller 10, if you'd like to hear anything besides lady antebellum, you'll win a free pair of flame-retardant beats by dre headphones I can't believe he's still on the air.
00:06:42He's probably just talking non-stop about how proud the greeks are of john stamos.
00:06:48That's all they talk about.
00:06:50It takes more than half a bottle of aquafina to put out a fire, you stupid intern.
00:06:55I'm surprised he didn't just drizzle olive oil all over it.
00:06:59Again, that's what they do over there.
00:07:02Why couldn't this happen to everyone who has a podcast?
00:07:06I assume that's the entire athens fire department.
00:07:10"Oh, I should have went with a fire extinguisher the first time?
00:07:13" thank zeus the only thing that got destroyed was a bunch of bruno mars albums and some old feta.
00:07:22I'm just glad he risked getting burned alive to tell us that it was zach galifianakis' birthday, and for that we thank you.
00:07:28We'll be right back with phil davison's web redemption, but first, are you sure you want me to punch your mouth?
00:07:36Punch my mouth.
00:07:38>> Oh my god.
00:07:40>> Punch my mouth.
00:07:54>> Oh my god.
00:07:56>> Punch my mouth.
00:07:58>> Do it.
00:07:59>> OH MY GOD.ld eagle Brock, my bison Sara, I love my pick-up with the custom Constitution paint job...
00:10:25I celebrate jury duty...
00:10:28I love America so much, I'mmaking an All American Jack Combo Two jumbo patties, with meltingcheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles, plus fries and a drink for only $4.99.
00:10:36I've celebrated every American tradition...Except one...
00:10:38Spring Break Cancun Yo!!!!!!!!
00:10:42Try the All American Jack andenter to win an All-American Spring Break for you and 10 of your friends.
00:11:25My name is bill davison and I'm thinking seeking our party's nomination.
00:11:39I have been a republican.
00:11:50Tell your friends.
00:11:51Tell your neighbors.
00:11:53Tell andy gonzalez.
00:11:54I will hit the ground running.
00:12:00Now that is how you rock the vote, by shotgunning a gallon of 5 hour energy.
00:12:04That's phil davison, and he forgot the most important rule try not to look like a lunatic.
00:12:11Running for stark county treasurer in the swing state of ohio would put him in charge of literally hundreds of dollars.
00:12:19I'm no political expert, but i have seen dave, welcome to mooseport, first daughter, first kid, agent cody banks, part of the sequel, the distinguished gentlemen, guarding tess, and the mummy returns, so I think I know what I'm talking about.
00:12:32Campaigns are all about spending tons of money, pretending that people from iowa matter, and praying no one finds out you love hiring underage hookers to pound you with a strap-on.
00:12:42Has anyone ever actually won a debate?
00:12:45I've never seen someone go, "my opponent is making a ton of " the idea that any of these candidates represent my interests is absurd.
00:12:52If you want my vote, scale it back a smidge with the lofty promises and just legalize drugs and gambling.
00:13:01Native americans get it; why can't american americans?
00:13:02Yet, for all of the flaws with the political process, there's never been a woman in the white house.
00:13:06So, the system isn't completely broken yet.
00:13:09Phil davison was just trying to get the voter's attention, and ended up scaring the bejesus out of them.
00:13:13That's why I brought him out to 0 campaign headquarters for this week's web redemption.
00:13:29Excuse me.
00:13:33The only way to appeal to the tea party is to get tea bagged.
00:13:39>> That's disgusting.
00:13:41>> I will not apologize for the smell of this bathroom.
00:13:49Bc news in washington "meet the press" with david gregory.
00:13:54This is daniel tosh filling in for daniel gregory.
00:14:00Today we have a very important guest phil davison.
00:14:05>> Nice to meet you.
00:14:06>> Nice to meet you as well.
00:14:09>> The vote wasn't released so i didn't win.
00:14:16>> Do you think if you had apologized for your tone you might have gotten more votes.
00:14:23>> Yes.
00:14:23>> Was that the first time you had read that speech.
00:14:26>> No I had practiced several times to myself.
00:14:29It was the first time I had read it out in public for documentation.
00:14:34Because my theory is that speech was written in all caps.
00:14:39>> No, it was not written in all caps.
00:14:41My name is phil davison.
00:14:43You got to scream it.
00:14:44>> That's what I did.
00:14:46Tell me about giving that speech.
00:14:48It seems very passionate.
00:14:50I got excited about it.
00:14:52And I said to hell with it.
00:14:55I got up there and this is how i speak.
00:14:58>> While you were up there did you think this was going well.
00:15:03>> As the speech was going on and people started leaving the room.
00:15:11>> Most people think I'm gay.
00:15:14Because I've got this pent-up energy and frustration.
00:15:18>> I've got to be honest when watching the speech this guy is gay.
00:15:25>> I let them have it >> let's take a look at your speech for a second.
00:15:29>> I have a masters degree in sociology, a bachelors degree in psychology.
00:15:38A master degree in public administration.
00:15:41And masters degree in communication.
00:15:46>> Are you aware that you talked about your masters in in communication and you screwed it up.
00:15:57>> In the middle of opportunity.
00:15:59In the middle of difficulty.
00:16:01>> What other favorite quotes.
00:16:03>> A flute without holes is not a flute but a bagel -- a doughnut.
00:16:11I blew it again.
00:16:12>> Doughnut without a hole is what?
00:16:15>> Danish.
00:16:16How are you with kids.
00:16:18>> Good.
00:16:21I've done a the best I can.
00:16:25>> Have you read the comments written about you.
00:16:29>> Have you ever done any drugs.
00:16:31>> Yes.
00:16:32What's your favorite drugs >>> marijuana, l s d, ecstasy.
00:16:37Mushrooms and then I'm going to whips in as a drugs.
00:16:44>> You want to be the best you got to beat the best.
00:16:50>> Wiser words have never been said on this show.
00:16:57>> What's your stance on abortion.
00:17:00>> I'm pro-choice.
00:17:01>> If you want to have an abortion have one.
00:17:05>> What would you say that 0 were to sponsor a campaign for you to run for presidency.
00:17:15>> No, I'm not going to be on the ticket.
00:17:19>> That's okay.
00:17:20>> That will come out.
00:17:22>> No I won't.
00:17:24I've done far worse than.
00:17:26>> Whatever you've done I've done 10 times worse.
00:17:32>> Ladies and gentlemen come here.
00:17:33Daniel tosh and I are going to daniel tosh is going my presidential campaign manager and I'm going to run for president of the united states in 2012 >> I would like to join you as your campaign manager if you would welcome me.
00:17:51>> Yes.
00:17:53I'm daniel tosh goodnight.
00:17:58>> I am awesome.
00:18:00>> Phil, are you nervous.
00:18:02>> Good you shouldn't be nervous.
00:18:04>> Button your jacket.
00:18:06Don't brag about your degrees.
00:18:08Lose the crazy eye.
00:18:10There's 90,000 people.
00:18:12Because I sent out a single tweet.
00:18:15Give them the message.
00:18:17>> Let's go.
00:18:18Let's go!
00:18:19>> Oh god.
00:18:20>> Thank you.
00:18:22Thank you.
00:18:25Thank you.
00:18:26Thank you.
00:18:28>> Appreciate that.
00:18:29Thank you.
00:18:30Thank you.
00:18:31Thank you.
00:18:31Thank you all.
00:18:33Very much.
00:18:34>> Thank you.
00:18:35>> Ladies and gentlemen, my name is phil davison.
00:18:45And I'm seeking the tosh party's nomination for president of the united states.
00:18:54Albert einstein is one of my most favorite quotes.
00:19:00In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
00:19:09If nominated tonight I will hit the ground runng, and come out swinging and end up winning.
00:19:20>> Barack obama does not care about white people.
00:19:42[Gunshot] I will always remember where i was when I heard phil davison was assassinated because I was right next to him.
00:19:55It was really easy to remember.
00:19:56We'll be right back, but first here's our prank of the week.
00:20:04>> 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, Rech, 10, 1, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5sÑçÑçÑçÑwçoçoçoçwÑwçwÑçÑw ço ÑwÑ ÑwÑw sOs ÷ w >> Pardon me if I don't laugh because it's cold.
00:24:07That's just one of the many videos the fascists at comedy central won't let me show you.
00:24:10Maybe because most of them feature a man, a woman, members of the clergy, sometimes a horse, exploring their bodies.
00:24:17But I feel these videos deserve to be seen, and I figured out the perfect way to make them tv friendly, in a new segment called child pornography.
00:25:03Hit the bear.
00:25:05Hit the bear.
00:25:08Hit the bear.
00:25:14Ah the great thing about doing this show in hollywood is there is no shortage of awful parents who will let their kids do anything for a sag card.
00:25:22Don't forget to go to our blog and upload a clip for the chance to be our viewer video.
00:25:25This week's winner comes to us from raw
00:25:29>> Hey edgar.
00:25:31Check it out.
00:25:32What's that.
00:25:33>> I just got a new black light.
00:25:36Now I'm going to know what you've been [bleep] on.
00:25:43>> Hmm.
00:25:45The room is completely devoid.
00:25:51It's weird I swear to god i smell it all the time.
00:25:57That couldn't have been a single load.
00:26:00We'll be right back with more tv funhouse.