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Aired at 04:30 PM on Thursday, Mar 17, 2011 (3/17/2011)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:00I snuck something in for you, too.
00:00:02You did?
00:00:03You know how you told me you always wanted to see disneyland?
00:00:14 [ splash ] there's pirates of the caribbean.
00:00:18Aah!here comes space mountain!
00:00:20[ Splash ] oh!
00:00:22Oh, yeah!
00:00:24 [ grunts ] it's a small world!eeagh!
00:00:27[ Grunts ] splash mountain!here it comes!
00:00:30Aah! ooh!
00:00:31[ Grunts ] hee-agh!
00:00:33 [ splash ] oh, the monorail!
00:00:47[Audience ohs] >> oh!
00:00:48Oh, my god!
00:00:50[Cheers and applause] >> hey, at least he stayed dry.
00:00:56[Laughter] welcome to tosh.0.
00:01:01It's weird to think that I'm watching this at home right now.
00:01:03[Laughter] hello, future me.
00:01:04[Laughter] tonight on the tv show, I go camping with the double rainbow guy, I meet my exact opposite, and I tell you how much money celebrities have.
00:01:15All right.
00:01:16Let's make fun of that awful pirate again.
00:01:22[Audience ohs] was that snap from the branch or his leg?
00:01:25[Laughter] he'll be fine, once he stops banging into the cliffs.
00:01:32That's why, kids, it's always safer to put the rope around your neck.
00:01:36[Laughter] that's just a little tip from your uncle daniel.
00:01:39[Laughter] ready to watch a sex tape?
00:01:44Heads up!
00:01:45It's really gross because the guy's, like, 100 years older than she is.
00:01:50[Laughter] [turtle grunting] >> wow.
00:02:00Get a terrarium, you two.
00:02:01[Laughter] it's a bad sign if he's doing all the wowing.
00:02:07[Turtle grunting] >> they should spice things up and flip her over.
00:02:10But then she would die.
00:02:12Because she would get sunburned.
00:02:15And she can't eat.
00:02:17Someone help her!
00:02:18[Laughter] she's been getting raped for over six months.
00:02:23[Laughter] it'd be nice if he pulled out and put a fresh coat of turtle wax on her.
00:02:28[Laughter] want to see the fastest kid in the world?
00:02:39Home school track meets suck.
00:02:40[Laughter] >> what is that?
00:02:44Oh, yeah!
00:02:45What is that?
00:02:48[Laughter] >> that is not the most aerodynamic hairdo.
00:02:54Why don't you see how fast you can run to fantastic sam's?
00:02:55[Laughter] I had no idea that was the world record.
00:03:02I don't know if I can do any better.
00:03:0312 Miles per hour is insane.
00:03:05I'll give it a shot.
00:03:15[Cheering crowd sound effects] ♪♪
00:03:27you know why I beat it?
00:03:28Because you guys need me to beat it.
00:03:30[Laughter] watch your back, hussein.
00:03:34[Laughter] even strip clubs are outsourcing these days.
00:03:38Tonight on the main stage, give it up for samir.
00:03:40[Audience ohs] are you fellas rock hard out there?
00:03:44I hope you are.
00:03:45Let's put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many sexy comments we can make.
00:03:50All right.
00:03:51Quit showing off and help me fix my dell.
00:03:52[Laughter] he's just doing that to put himself through college.
00:03:57[Laughter] oh, man.
00:04:01[Audience gasps] I hope this gets him out of the slums of mumbai.
00:04:03[Laughter] who wants to be a millionaire?
00:04:09The problem with that strip club is, you always come home reeking of curry.
00:04:12[Laughter] I wouldn't mind stuffing a few rupees into that guy's hot pants.
00:04:20[Laughter] you know what would make this even better?
00:04:23[Laughter] hot, naked white chicks.
00:04:27[Laughter] this next one goes out to the lady out there.
00:04:35[Rock music] an audience of one.
00:04:39This must be a good charlotte concert.
00:04:41[Laughter] that's why you get into rock and roll.
00:04:44For the road beef.
00:04:46[Audience ohs] [laughter] this just went from a show to a practice.
00:04:53[Laughter] that's gonna hurt merch sales.
00:04:56[Laughter] at least they get to have sex with her now.
00:05:00[Laughter] this next video shows why boys are so popular in thailand.
00:05:05>> 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 -- >> you couldn't pay me to put my wiener anywhere near that bear trap.
00:05:14[Laughter] lay off the candy, you two.
00:05:18There's obviously no dental plan in the whoring business.
00:05:20[Audience ohs] the one on the right might be a man.
00:05:24[Laughter] I'm positive the one on the left is.
00:05:27[Laughter] people forget the good parts about nam.
00:05:31[Laughter] it's important to stretch before you give a bj.
00:05:33[Laughter] now go [bleep] some strangers.
00:05:38[Laughter] all right.
00:05:41What's next?
00:05:46[Audience ohs] I think we can all agree that was her fault.
00:05:50[Laughter] I thought only cops were allowed to hit women.
00:05:56[Laughter] it's decision time.
00:05:58Let's see if it's fight or flight in this week's breakdown.
00:06:02[Cheers and applause] nice jacket.
00:06:07He's either a fighter pilot or an a-hole.
00:06:08[Laughter] a-hole.
00:06:12That's why men shouldn't talk with their hands.
00:06:15Moment of truth.
00:06:17Defend the lady's honor, or run and call her later to see how it went?
00:06:21[Audience ohs] oh, he flips the switch from boyfriend to jason statham.
00:06:27[Laughter] w didn't respond this fast on 9/11.
00:06:31[Laughter] if it were me, I would just apologize for her clumsiness.
00:06:36Remember, it doesn't mean i don't love you.
00:06:37It just means I'm lazy and a pussy.
00:06:39[Laughter] I like his style.
00:06:44Punch first, ask questions later.
00:06:46[Laughter] ha ha, your pants are falling down.
00:06:51The key to fighting two guys at once is to be much tougher than both of them.
00:06:57And isn't it just like a woman to watch and not do anything?
00:07:01You got us into this mess.
00:07:02Now get your hands dirty and start swinging that purse around.
00:07:05[Laughter] this guy's testosterone levels must be off the charts.
00:07:10I feel like a man when I get the toilet to stop running.
00:07:16If we've learned anything here, it's never hit a woman -- that's dating a boxer.
00:07:21Chivalry is not dead, but these two dudes might be, and for that, we thank you.
00:07:24[Applause] we'll be right back with the double rainbow guy, but first, be careful when you're using the zoom-in feature on banana republic's website.
00:07:33You might get eight inches more than you bargained for.
00:07:38[Audience ohs] [APPLAUSE][ Male announcer ] today, we'rehaving a lunch intervention.
00:09:57Choose from 5 kfc meals with your choice of sidesand a medium drink for just $5 everyday.
00:10:03All this for 5 bucks?
00:10:04[ Male Announcer ] THAT'S 5 FOR 5 BUCKS.
00:10:05[ cheers and applause ] Today tastes so good.
00:11:13>> Oh, my god, it's full on!
00:11:16Double rainbow all the way across the sky!
00:11:22Oh, wow!
00:11:26This is, mmm!
00:11:30Oh, it's so bright!
00:11:35Oh, my god, it's so bright and vivid.
00:11:40God, it's a double complete rainbow.
00:11:44Oh, right in the front yard.
00:11:48[Manic laughter] oh, my god!
00:11:53>> Sounds like he just climaxed all the way across the sky.
00:11:57That's paul aka yosemite bear, and sure, he was a smidge emotional about that rainbow, but when you live in a tent, everything's impressive.
00:12:05[Laughter] what does a double rainbow mean?
00:12:09Uh, it means that the sunlight entered tiny drops of water and got reflected at different angles based on wavelength, creating a separation of sunlight into the visible spectrum.
00:12:16Times two.
00:12:19It's not a miracle.
00:12:20I can do the same thing with a hose.
00:12:24Nature is beautiful, and the best way to enjoy it is to buy planet earth on blu-ray.
00:12:30It's dangerous outside.
00:12:31I've seen into the wild.
00:12:32That jerk should have just stayed with that underaged girlwho didn't shave her bush.
00:12:36The woods are where people get murdered.
00:12:39Instead of all these national parks, let's cut some trees down so I can build my palatial mansion.
00:12:43And if the oceans are so amazing, why do cruise ships have casinos, nightclubs, and 12 pools on them?
00:12:48I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise.
00:12:50Sleeping through it.
00:12:52I'm not in awe of mother nature.
00:12:53That old bitch is trying to kill us.
00:12:56I say, fight global warming with central air conditioning.
00:12:58Who cares if we run out of water?
00:12:59I'll drink lemonade.
00:13:01Clearly, I need someone to explain the wonders of nature to me.
00:13:05That's why I coated myself with deep woods off and asked this tree-hugger to take me camping somewhere over the rainbow in our first eve web retreat.
00:13:12[Cheers and applause] >> yosemite bear.
00:13:24>> Whoa.
00:13:25Nice to meet you, daniel.
00:13:27>> Ah, I knew you couldn't resist tasting the rainbow.
00:13:28Come on in.
00:13:30>> Thank you.
00:13:31>> Tell me about that day that you saw the double rainbow.
00:13:34>> Well, I was inside my house, and I looked outside, and there was all this color, and my camera was on my coffee table, and so I just grabbed it and i walked outside, and basically that's what you see is the reaction.
00:13:46I'm walking out my front door when that video starts.
00:13:49>> And then the question that everyone wants to know is, uh, were you high?
00:13:51>> For that video, absolutely not.
00:13:55I was just -- I was home by myself, and I was not high at all.
00:13:57>> An hour before that, were you high?
00:13:58>> No, I hadn't been high at all that day.
00:14:01>> Were you amazed at how popular this video got?
00:14:04>> Uh, not really.
00:14:06I mean, I kind of knew that it was something special right from the beginning.
00:14:09>> I read somewhere that you live off $5,000 a year.
00:14:12>> I haven't worked in a long time, and when you're forced to live on very little water, and you don't have rent and you don't have a car payment, you start to realize that there's a lot of things that you don't need.
00:14:20>> All right, tell me about some of your jobs.
00:14:23>> Uh, so I work for the l.a.
00:14:24County fire department.
00:14:25I flew in helicopters to fight fires.
00:14:28I worked in yosemite.
00:14:28I was also a cage fighter.
00:14:29>> Cage fighting?
00:14:30>> Yeah.
00:14:32>> I'm shocked to hear that you actually like to hand-to-hand combat fight people.
00:14:35>> Oh, you'd be surprised.
00:14:36It's a really pleasurable, intense feeling.
00:14:37[Laughter] >> I'll stick to masturbating.
00:14:40>> Okay.
00:14:41>> Oh, has that video, uh, helped you with the ladies?
00:14:44>> Not at all.
00:14:46There's always been tons of ladies that come and work on my farm.
00:14:48They're called woofers.
00:14:49>> They're called woofers?
00:14:49>> Yeah.
00:14:51It's a program called worldwide opportunities on organic farms.
00:14:54>> I assumed, like, you and three guys just invented this site.
00:14:57>> No.
00:14:58[Both laugh] >> do you cry often?
00:15:02>> I cry all the time.
00:15:02Double complete rainbow.
00:15:03[Manic laughter] >> what's the last movie that made you cry?
00:15:09>> Oh, I cried laughing at that red queen from alice in wonderland.
00:15:11" I ate a brownie.
00:15:13>> Oh, you ate a brownie.
00:15:16>> And I connected with that red queen.
00:15:17[Both laugh] >> all right, well, I really want to see the world through your eyes, uh, so if you don't mind, I'd like to join you on a retreat.
00:15:27Oh, I'm already tired.
00:15:28>> You look great.
00:15:29>> Thank you.
00:15:30I just bought all this stuff.
00:15:31>> Yeah, you can tell.
00:15:32>> Uh, guess what else I got?
00:15:35>> Huh?
00:15:36Oh, psychedelics.
00:15:37>> Yes.
00:15:38Some magic 'shrooms to enhance our experience today out here with mother nature.
00:15:42>> Let's go commune.
00:15:44>> Oh, it tastes like [bleep].
00:15:46[Sitar music] [slow-motion] what a beautiful rainbow!
00:15:50[Slow-motion] full on, all the way across the sky.
00:15:58[Laughs] [vomits] let's find out what's at the end of it.
00:16:03>> I'm there.
00:16:07>> You ever find a four-leaf clover?
00:16:10>> Not -- not yet, but I think if I asked for one, one would appear.
00:16:12What a relief.
00:16:15>> Man!
00:16:16Oh, I guess I should be upstream.
00:16:17>> That'd be wise.
00:16:18[Laughs] ♪♪
00:16:22you're right.
00:16:23Nature is great.
00:16:24I just found some marijuana back there.
00:16:25>> I'm not sure that's marijuana.
00:16:27>> Oh, you let me be the judge of that, my friend.
00:16:30[Lighter clicks] oh, you might have been right.
00:16:33I think that was poison ivy.
00:16:38You got any lip balm?
00:16:41[Laughter] ♪♪
00:16:44bear, I think I'm stuck.
00:16:46>> I'll go get help.
00:16:47>> No, no, no.
00:16:47I'm gonna have to cut it off.
00:16:49I don't want these mushrooms to fade or that rainbow to disappear.
00:16:52>> Are you ready?
00:16:53>> Yep, let's go.
00:16:53>> Let's go.
00:17:00>> I am so hungry.
00:17:01>> There it is, over there.
00:17:03Relax, pull back.
00:17:03Ask for permission.
00:17:06>> May I [bleep]ing kill you.
00:17:09[Audience ohs] aah!
00:17:12Let's eat.
00:17:16look at it.
00:17:18It looks like it's leading u into the city.
00:17:19>> Let's go.
00:17:24>> Oh, it's led us to the gayest place in the world, west hollywood.
00:17:28>> Look at all the rainbows.
00:17:30>> Our quadruple rainbow seems to be ending in that apartment.
00:17:37What does this mean?
00:17:39>> What does this mean?
00:17:41>> It's so bright.
00:17:43It's so vivid.
00:17:43>> It's so bright and vivid.
00:17:46>> A full-on quadruple rainbow across the sky comes to us from perez hilton's ass.
00:17:51>> Hey, boys.
00:17:52[Laughter] >> what does this mean?
00:17:56[Applause] it was so nice of perez hilton to come by and pretend he was gay for that bit.
00:18:02We'll be right back, but before we go, here is the first and last ever patron challenge.
00:18:18[Audience ohs] [exhales] [laughter] [chokes] [coughs] [chokes] [vomits] [laughter] [vomits] [audience ohs] [vomits] [audience ohs] >> oh, my god.
00:18:35I hit you.
00:18:51♪ ♪
00:18:51[ Male Announcer ] YOU CAN Tell a lot about a man by looking at his keys.
00:18:55♪ ♪
00:18:59these here?
00:19:00They belong to men who got a silverado during chevy truck month.
00:19:03With a powertrain backed for 100,000 miles -- that's 40,000 more than f-150.
00:19:10tQUALIFIED BUYERS rGET 0% APR FINANCING For 72 months rON ALL 2011 SILVERADO Half-ton models during chevy truck month.
00:19:18Get your keys today.
00:20:43>> I met a 14-year-old last night that changed my life!
00:20:46[Laughter] those were asians, so I owe everyone a hat!
00:20:54Check it out, mofos!
00:20:55New dave matthews band!
00:20:57No one in here is gay or mexican, right?
00:21:00Have you guys seen the new mazda?
00:21:04Oh, my goodness, you guys!
00:21:07I just ate 12 peaches!
00:21:07[Clatter] guess who just saw david hyde pierce at the coffee bean.
00:21:15[Loud bang] I just found out one of the kfc's secret ingredients is salt!
00:21:18[Loud bangs] we need to talk about this new nicholas sparks book!
00:21:24[Clatter] let's all have red bulls for lunch!
00:21:28[Laughter] now please post your own videos of things you should never run into a room and yell and I will make you famous.
00:21:38It may not come across in the show, but I am very vain.
00:21:42I google myself constantly, and the other day, I found my exact opposite.
00:21:47His name is tosh daniel.
00:21:50My name is daniel tosh.
00:21:53He's pitch black.
00:21:54I'm pitch white.
00:21:58He's from the caribbean.
00:22:01I'm from titusville.
00:22:02So let's meet him, live via web chat.
00:22:04All the way from antigua, please welcome tosh daniel.
00:22:05[Applause] >> thanks for having me on your show, mr. daniel tosh.
00:22:13>> My pleasure, tosh daniel.
00:22:14I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly.
00:22:16Uh, what's your full name?
00:22:19>> It's tosh blaise odary daniel.
00:22:21>> You're [bleep]ing with me, right?
00:22:26Mine is daniel odary blaise tosh.
00:22:27[Laughter] you ever seen my show?
00:22:30>> No.
00:22:30>> That's okay.
00:22:32It's not that great.
00:22:33>> I know.
00:22:34[Laughter] >> all right.
00:22:39Now that I've become wildly successful, how often do you get mistaken for me?
00:22:41>> Never get mistaken for you.
00:22:42[Laughter] >> that's weird, because I get mistaken for you a couple times a day.
00:22:49You're probably not wearing enough deep vs.
00:22:51>> No, no, no.
00:22:51That's not my style.
00:22:54>> Hey, you know, if we got married, one of us would either be named tosh tosh or daniel daniel.
00:23:00Want to give it a shot?
00:23:00[Laughs] no.
00:23:03[Laughs] >> at least sleep on it.
00:23:07All right, tosh, uh, thanks for talking to me.
00:23:09Uh, don't do anything to embarrass our name.
00:23:10Big up, my brother.
00:23:11>> Big up.
00:23:13>> Bup bup bup bup bup.
00:23:15Uh, heh heh.
00:23:16White guy missed.
00:23:18[Laughter] all right.
00:23:21Don't forget to go to our blog and upload a clip for a chance to be our viewer video.
00:23:26This week's winner is senhorina durah.
00:23:27>> Hah hah hah.
00:23:29Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:31Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:32Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:35Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:37Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:40Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:43Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:44Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:51Hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:57Hah hah hah hah hah hah.
00:23:58>> My favorite part of that video is when she was in sydney " [laughter] we'll be right back with more tommy sledge, pi.
00:24:07[Cheers and applause] [applause] >> ah, welcome back, you dumb hicks.
00:27:49Uh, next week on the show, the "i like turtles" kid gets a web redemption.
00:27:51>> Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job.
00:27:52What do you think?
00:27:53>> I like turtles.
00:27:53[Laughter] >> I bet I know what his favorite video is.
00:27:58[Turtle grunts] [laughter]