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Aired at 12:00 AM on Tuesday, Apr 20, 2010 (4/20/2010)      View all transcripts from this day


00:00:02[Laughter] oh, my goodness.
00:00:04That movie was so -- [laughter] that's the end of that bit.
00:00:12[Laughter] >> oh, yeah!
00:00:18[Laughter] >> is it because she's a woman?
00:00:22Is it because she's white?
00:00:23Yes to both.
00:00:25[Laughter] by the way, in the women's high jump that's still good enough for bronze.
00:00:29[Laughter] she needs to buy those mbt ugly strengthening shoes.
00:00:35For $400, you can look like you have a club foot.
00:00:38[Laughter] I love lobster as much as the next kid, unless that next kid is this next kid.
00:00:46>> Wow!
00:00:47>> What's in there?
00:00:48>> A lot!
00:00:48>> A lot of what?
00:00:50>> Can I touch it?
00:00:51>> What's this?
00:00:52>> Whoa!
00:00:58>> Whoa!
00:01:00 every time you say "whoa," joey lawrence gets 17 cents.
00:01:02[Laughter] they're putting it right in the lobster drawer.
00:01:07That's where poor people keep their lettuce.
00:01:10[Laughter] >> whoa.
00:01:11Oh, can I touch him?
00:01:12>> Okay.
00:01:13>> No.
00:01:14>> I can't wait to see his reaction video to the first time he sees boobs.
00:01:17[Laughter] "can I touch 'em?
00:01:22Can I touch 'em?
00:01:24" speaking of seafood.
00:01:31>> Oh, my god.
00:01:32[Laughter] >> he's sucking his [bleep].
00:01:36And that's how pearls are made.
00:01:40[Laughter] I'm no marine biologist, but i think that one' s lonely.
00:01:45Seriously, can all walruses do that or is that like the black guy walrus?
00:01:49[Laughter] alright, there's one thing the truth campaign cannot deny, and that is smoking really does look cool.
00:02:03>> Right now I'm going to smoke smarties.
00:02:10You can do them like this.
00:02:11[Laughter] I didn't know smarties came in menthol.
00:02:15[Laughter] alright!
00:02:22I just worry about his little sister who has to breathe all that second-hand smarties smoke.
00:02:25[Laughter] it's not fair.
00:02:28Smarties are a gateway drug.
00:02:29Before you know it, you're blowing your entire allowance to mainline starbursts.
00:02:33I should know.
00:02:34I've been there.
00:02:52>> The use is loose!
00:02:53[Laughter] [bleep] >> I only have yellow left.
00:03:08[Laughter] >> now that's a sugar high.
00:03:10Comedy central wants me to remind you that you should not mainline starbursts.
00:03:14[Laughter] time for a booze cruise.
00:03:28Let's put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments we can make.
00:03:32I hope andy samberg was on that boat.
00:03:34[Laughter] that happens a lot because the oceans are so narrow.
00:03:37[Laughter] hey, while we exchange insurance information, ah, show me your tits?
00:03:42[Laughter] you sunk my luxury cruise ship.
00:03:48In this case, it really is the size of the boat that matters.
00:03:52[Laughter] that's what you get for driving with your dong, tommy lee.
00:04:01[Oohing] memories.
00:04:03It's not that big.
00:04:05[Laughter] compared to a walrus.
00:04:08[Laughter] I'd like to point out, as sharp as our viewers are, not one of you has ever pointed out the fact that our 20 seconds on the clock, is nowhere near 20 seconds.
00:04:18It ends when I'm out of jokes.
00:04:19[Laughter] alright.
00:04:22Moving on.
00:04:24What's a ride on the subway without the threat of violence towards women?
00:04:26That doesn't just happen to jodie foster.
00:04:27[Laughter] that guy is looking like a fool with his pants on the ground.
00:04:47[Laughter] [applause] now let's get back into that video, one leg at a time, in this week's breakdown.
00:04:54[Cheers & applause] alright, clean subway.
00:05:00Must be europe.
00:05:02Today is the day that our friend liam has worked up enough courage to talk to a woman.
00:05:07He knows first impressions are important, so he goes with a big knee to the empty seat next to her.
00:05:12Is there any woman who doesn't love a good scare on a late night train ride?
00:05:16[Laughter] but wait, what's that?
00:05:20Out of nowhere, captain kraut, germany's favorite hobo superhero springs into action.
00:05:27[Laughter] next stop embarrassment.
00:05:31That's why you always wear a belt.
00:05:34I mean, how many asses do you have to kick before you get so bored with it you decide I'm just going to pull his pants down, see what he does.
00:05:40[Laughter] here's the moment of truth.
00:05:43Right now he's turning around and thinking, "please be a woman, please be a woman.
00:05:46[Laughter] [bleep] it's a dude, a huge, " [laughter] liam's no dummy.
00:05:55It's hard to look tough pulling up your pants.
00:05:57[Laughter] it's like trying to look badass while winking.
00:06:03[Laughter] almost impossible.
00:06:06You know that chick would bang captain kraut right here and now, but like any true hero he doesn't care.
00:06:11He just picks up the paper and resumes his job search.
00:06:14The real hero here is the camera man who refused to lift a finger to help that poor woman so that he could document this for all to see, and for that we thank you.
00:06:25[Applause] we'll be right back with the average homeboy's web redemption, but first, it's " it seems that everyone who writes to this show has a crazy screen name.
00:06:37One of our favorites is someone who calls herself sallytwo [bleep].
00:06:39[Laughter] so we invited her to explain why she calls herself sally two [bleep].
00:06:46>> It's because I have two [bleep].
00:06:47[Laughter and applause] >> I'm just a middle-class guy trying to express myself.
00:10:19[Rap music] ♪♪ I'm not the typical rapper ♪♪
00:10:27♪♪ that don't mean I don't live in a box ♪♪
00:10:32♪♪ nor was I raised on the street ♪♪
00:10:33♪♪ but as you can see ♪♪
00:10:34♪♪ I'm not black ♪♪
00:10:37♪♪ I don't do drugs and I'm not on crack ♪♪
00:10:42♪♪ what's the problem with a rapper who's white ♪♪
00:10:46♪♪ we're all just fighting for our equal rights ♪♪
00:10:48♪♪ average homeboy ♪♪
00:10:49[laughter] >> something tells me he might have more than 99 problems.
00:10:58[Laughter] >> arm me with harmony.
00:11:02 denny blazin' hazen, the average homeboy, the probably-still-lives-at-homeboy.
00:11:10[Laughter] that video came out over 20 years ago, but the rap game is very different monster now.
00:11:19Hip-hop, as we all know, started "when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making " [laughter] it used to be dangerous and exciting.
00:11:26Remember biggie vs. pac.
00:11:27Now it's kanye vs. taylor.
00:11:30Murder was the case that they gave snoop, now he's making queso dip on the "rachel ray " things done changed.
00:11:36And I blame president obama.
00:11:38[Laughter] I still love hip-hop, though.
00:11:41You never hear josh groban song start with: ♪♪ Have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire ♪♪
00:11:47I'll say that again: ♪♪ Have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire ♪♪
00:11:50that's just fun.
00:11:51Rap is real talk.
00:11:52Picture me rollin, death to my enemies, o.p.p.
00:11:55Nothing realer than that.
00:11:56And for the record, ladies, "the last p?
00:11:58Well, that's not that simple.
00:12:00It's the loveliest, longest, " rockin' the mic right is not an easy job.
00:12:04You have to [bleep] the po'lice, always keep hustlin' hustlin', and to go quadruple quadropple, you gotta come up with funky [bleep] like every single day.
00:12:14[Laughter] plus, nobody ever retires.
00:12:16You just get shot and die.
00:12:18Or become a detective on a cop show my parents watch.
00:12:21[Laughter] no one wants to hear a middle class honky rap about eating at the olive garden, but denny is not the worst rapper of all time.
00:12:30Ja rule still holds that belt.
00:12:33♪♪ It's murdur ♪♪
00:12:34[laughter] >> you sound constipated.
00:12:38So there's still hope, and that's why I brought denny out to the 310 for some california-love in this week's web redemp-emp-emp.
00:12:47And that's why the average homeboy is coming back, back, to cali, cali in this week's web redemption.
00:12:52[Cheers and applause] >> denny?
00:12:58>> What's up, homeboy?
00:12:58>> What's up, dude?
00:13:00Shaking it, man.
00:13:01>> Good seeing you.
00:13:02>> Good seeing you, dude.
00:13:04>> Shining my car brings me lots of joy.
00:13:05>> Oh, yeah?
00:13:06>> 'Cause I'm an average homeboy.
00:13:08>> How'd you come up with the " >> at the time, everybody was, "cold, ice, gangster," all ..
00:13:13>> Sure.
00:13:14>> And I wanted to tell my point of view from a white guy saying, "hey, you know, I have to wash my car and I cut the grass," and just tell a rap about who I was.
00:13:23I just found out last week that I'm in the white rappers encyclopedia.
00:13:26>> Are the encyclopedias broken up by race?
00:13:28Because I have issue with that.
00:13:29>> Why aren't there more white rappers on bet?
00:13:31>> Because it's black entertainment.
00:13:33>> Should we start wet?
00:13:35>> I think it would be called nbc, cbs, and fox.
00:13:39Was there a choreographer for your dance moves?
00:13:41>> I have to admit I came up with those all on my own.
00:13:44The basic step was the pelvic thrust.
00:13:46>> May I see the pelvic thrust?
00:13:47>> Well, how about you do it with me?
00:13:50>> I'd love to.
00:13:51>> Push your hands down and your pelvic out.
00:13:52>> Okay.
00:13:52>> One, two, three.
00:13:56[Breathing heavily] >> why do you feel the white man has been held back in the rap game?
00:14:05>> I think it is a reverse discrimination to say, "hey, you " hey, it's okay to make a movie "white men can't jump," but if you made a movie called black men can't swim, then there's a big hoopty-do.
00:14:15But my thing is that-- >> that seems like a good movie.
00:14:17I'll be honest with you.
00:14:18>> It's a good movie.
00:14:20>> If you pitched that in this town, black men can't swim.
00:14:24>> But you would also be say "you're a racist," and all that.
00:14:26>> You got to put one of the wayan's brothers in it.
00:14:28Your raps tend to be on the cleaner side.
00:14:31>> I like to stand out from the crowd.
00:14:32My rap is about having good, clean fun.
00:14:34>> Okay.
00:14:36Well, I want to get you in the studio and I brought in a legend to help you take your flow to the next level.
00:14:41Mr. bizzy bone.
00:14:43>> How you doing, sir?
00:14:45>> Denny, later tonight, is gonna go for his first battle rap.
00:14:48Any advice for him?
00:14:49>> Be clear.
00:14:51You need your metaphors definitely at top notch, because you want the people.
00:14:56The people judge battle raps, not the rappers.
00:14:57The people around.
00:14:59>> I'm gonna just throw out a word and you just give me a couple words immediately that rhyme with it.
00:15:02> All right.
00:15:12>> Hunt.
00:15:13[Laughter] >> that's a setup there.
00:15:15That's a setup.
00:15:15Brother trucker?
00:15:18[Chuckles] >> orange.
00:15:22>> This is nice.
00:15:22Putting me on the spot.
00:15:23>> All right.
00:15:25[Scoffs] trigger?
00:15:27[Laughter] >> trigger?
00:15:32>> What's wrong with you, bizzy?
00:15:35>> All right, it's time to battle.
00:15:36>> All right.
00:15:37>> You're gonna be going up against one of the hottest new -- all right, he's not even a rapper.
00:15:40He's just a black person.
00:15:40But we think all you have to do is beat any black person and they will consider you, as a white rapper, above average.
00:15:47>> Okay.
00:15:47>> Good luck.
00:15:49>> And once they hear this, they're just gon' be blazed.
00:15:52>> Save that for the stage.
00:15:54Yo, yo!
00:15:55How you mother [bleep] doing tonight?
00:15:58It's time for the battle.
00:16:00We got the average homeboy, who's trying to become the above-average homeboy.
00:16:05And over here we have a black guy that we found in the audience tonight.
00:16:10Mr. jasper red.
00:16:14When I hand you the mic, you settle your differences.
00:16:16Up first, let's give it to jasper red!
00:16:23[Rap music plays] [cheers and applause] ♪♪ yo this racist mother [bleep] think I live in a box ♪♪
00:16:29♪♪ well I think he's a [bleep] ♪♪
00:16:32♪♪ who can suck my black [bleep] ♪♪
00:16:34♪♪ cracker-ass cracker think [bleep] smoke crack ♪♪
00:16:35♪♪ well I hit your moms like a pipe ♪♪
00:16:37♪♪ and pass that bitch back ♪♪
00:16:38[cheers and applause] >> oh, my goodness!
00:16:44We got lucky with that selection.
00:16:49 denny blaze, the average homeboy.
00:16:54The world wants to know, are you ready to give it another shot?
00:16:56>> I'm ready to blaze 'em.
00:16:58[Laughter] [rap music] ♪♪ my name's denny blaze ♪♪
00:17:04♪♪ I'm unfazed by your gaze ♪♪
00:17:06♪♪ I get praise on my days ♪♪
00:17:07♪♪ I like my doughnuts glazed ♪♪
00:17:08♪♪ instead of spitting fire ♪♪
00:17:11♪♪ I choose to rhyme this phrase ♪♪
00:17:13♪♪ I'm above-average homeboy ♪♪
00:17:14♪♪ you can call me denny blaze ♪♪
00:17:15[laughter] >> oh!
00:17:21[Cheers and applause] I think it's clear tonight there is a new king of this castle and you can call him "the above-average homeboy"!
00:17:30[Crowd booing] >> woo-hoo-hoo!
00:17:36>> You just got blazed.
00:17:37>> Aww.
00:17:38[Applause] >> look for me this summer in black men can't swim.
00:17:43[Laughter] we'll be right back, but first here's your m.
00:17:47Night shyamalan twist ending of the week.
00:17:59[laughter] [cheers & applause] ♪♪♪♪
00:20:14>> four chairs!
00:20:16Four chairs!
00:20:21That's what I get for opening up my big fat trap.
00:20:23See, a few weeks ago I said i would beat you at anything you challenged me to.
00:20:26But four chairs!
00:20:30[Laughter] I looked it up, and yes, that is the current world record.
00:20:34[Laughter] can I beat it?
00:20:36Let's find out in our most popular segment.
00:20:40"I'm better than you, nana boo boo, stick your head in doo " [laughter] [applause] >> I'm better than you.
00:21:02Why was I wearing a powdered wig?
00:21:05To distract you from the fact that my t-shirt was tucked into my underwear.
00:21:07[Laughter] duh.
00:21:11The next challenge looked a bit tougher.
00:21:14[Laughter] >> one, two, three.
00:21:21>> 15, 16, 17, 18.
00:21:2633, 34, 35.
00:21:33>> I don't know who was counting, but you skipped a few numbers.
00:21:34You know I'm from the streets.
00:21:35Jump roping?
00:21:36Okay, let's dance.
00:21:40[Laughter] so once again, I must say, with all due respect to all of you, I'm better than you, nana boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.
00:21:53[Laughter] alright.
00:21:56Mel gibson has been out promoting his new movie, and the interviews have been getting a little heated, to say the least.
00:22:00That's why I decided to talk to him without any agenda whatsoever.
00:22:03 mel gibson.
00:22:04Thanks for being here, mel.
00:22:07You've been in a lot of hot water the last few years.
00:22:15Care to comment?
00:22:17>> What are you referring to specifically.
00:22:21>> When you said, the jews are responsible for the wars.
00:22:24>> You have a dog in this fight?
00:22:26>> I don't know what that means.
00:22:28I'm not jewish and that's completely irrelevant.
00:22:33What happened to your australian accent?
00:22:36>> [Bleep].
00:22:37>> No need to be hostile.
00:22:38I'm a big fan of your movies, except "bird on a wire" and "man without a face" and "lethal " now, getting back to the interview.
00:22:54What does your partner think of your behavior?
00:00:01[Laughter] >> people on-line say I look like him.
00:00:06I don't see it and I certainly wouldn't disrespect florida.
00:00:09Ooh, that's because I'm not a loser.
00:00:11[Laughter] >> it's good to be back on the air.
00:00:14We had a nice mandatory vacation.
00:00:17You might have noticed that I've upgraded to cardigans.
00:00:19That's right, no more hoodies.
00:00:21[Laughter] I'm wearing nothing but tight fitting cardigans like I'm mr.
00:00:25[Bleep] rogers.
00:00:27[Laughter] get used to it!
00:00:29On today's show -- we give the tron guy a much needed web redemption.
00:00:32[Laughter] >> I learn not everyone loves a macho man randy savage impression.
00:00:38>> We talk to youtube sensation, fred.
00:00:41>> And if there is time, we'll take bets on the next celebrity suicide.
00:00:43[Laughter] >> do you hear that?
00:00:48I'd know that sound anywhere.
00:00:52It's oprah peeing.
00:00:53[Laughter] yeah, I'm told someone looped this video, but I believe that she really had to go super bad.
00:00:59[Laughter] and you don't want to hold it.
00:01:02That can lead to a uti.
00:01:06Urinary tract infections are no joke.
00:01:08[Laughter] my recommendation, a lot of cranberry juice.
00:01:12Let's sexy up the show.
00:01:24>> I guess dancing at spring break was on her bucket list.
00:01:27[Laughter] let's put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments we can post.
00:01:38Finally a white chick black guys don't want.
00:01:39[Laughter] my beer goggles need beer goggles.
00:01:43[Laughter] she can make her c-section clap.
00:01:47[Laughter] whatever, the older the berry the sweeter the juice prune juice.
00:01:55The upside to banging her is she probably can't get pregnant anymore.
00:01:57[Laughter] spring break.
00:01:59Seniors rule!
00:02:03Pay close attention to this next video cause it's one of my personal favorites.
00:02:15[Cheering] >> yeah!
00:02:28>> Baby blue, I see you two weeks, baby blue!
00:02:31>> You guys are smiling.
00:02:34You have to be dancing.
00:02:37>> You have to be -- >> ah!
00:02:38I miss being 37.
00:02:39[Laughter] I bet the entire carpool lane smells like axe body spray.
00:02:44[Laughter] >> you want to know why do i love this video so much?
00:02:48Because it reminds me of when me and my friends head to the jersey shore.
00:02:50[Laughter] >> now we're talking video!
00:03:04>> Ow.
00:03:04>> I'm ready!
00:03:09>> Whoo-hoo.
00:03:10>> Are you ready!
00:03:11[Laughter] >> that's why I got my had on!
00:03:19[Laughter] >> baby blue, I see you in two weeks, baby blue.
00:03:24>> You got to be smiling, got to be dancing.
00:03:29>> You better step it up -- [bleep].
00:03:35>> Can't wait to watch this on [bleep].
00:03:40>> And yes.
00:03:41We all got laid that weekend.
00:03:41[Laughter] >> she's still going.
00:03:45It's really soothing.
00:03:47No wonder stedman and gail sleep so soundly.
00:03:49[Laughter] alright.
00:03:51Knock it off.
00:03:55Normally I hate cute videos but this is one smooth ass kid.
00:04:01[Laughter] [applause] >> I'll will give you $100 if you can teach my asian girlfriend to do that.
00:04:08[Laughter] it's impressive, but he can't color for -- we did a little research.
00:04:17It turns out the reason he was in such a hurry is because he had a dead hooker in the trunk, [laughter] a tiny dead hooker in the trunk.
00:04:26[Laughter] >> in the trunk.
00:04:33All right.
00:04:38>> I can't.
00:04:42I can't.
00:04:43>> Oh!
00:04:43I'd break my own leg before i let gilbert grapes mom ride me.
00:04:45[Laughter] I think it's great that she's outside getting exercise.
00:04:48And it'd be too easy to make a bunch of fat jokes and that's why we're going to do it in this week's video breakdown.
00:04:53[Applause] >> alright.
00:05:00First, notice the camo shirt.
00:05:01She got that from an army surplus store.
00:05:03It was used to provide shelter for three platoons.
00:05:06[Laughter] alright.
00:05:08Roll it.
00:05:11It starts off pretty horrible.
00:05:11I mean, if you need the help of a pickup truck to get on a horse, you should choose another leisure time activity.
00:05:14[Laughter] >> I can't.
00:05:19>> I can't?
00:05:20You mean you shouldn't.
00:05:21[Laughter] >> come on, brenda.
00:05:23I can't.
00:05:24Who is going to revenge the death of your brother?
00:05:31>> This is too much work.
00:05:32>> I'll tell you who this is too much work for.
00:05:33The horse.
00:05:34You know that old expression, "i'm so hungry I could eat a " I'm pretty sure that's what spooked him.
00:05:38[Laughter] [bleep] >> you leave dennis out of this.
00:05:46He's letting you max-out the payload on his tacoma.
00:05:48[Laughter] >> alright.
00:05:57She gets one leg over!
00:05:57It's gonna happen.
00:06:00And if you listen carefully, you can hear horse's spirit and spine breaking.
00:06:03[Laughter] >> oh, and she's off.
00:06:08Fun ride though.
00:06:10>> This is what rock bottom looks like.
00:06:12[Laughter] it's okay, brenda, you can still ride the truck.
00:06:18And as for dennis who had the foresight to stand far enough back so that he could get all of that cow-girl in frame and put it on the internet.
00:06:24[Bleep] you, dennis.
00:06:25[Bleep] you so much.
00:06:27[Laughter] [applause] >> we'll be right back with the tron guy's web redemption.
00:06:36But first, did you know that some people look at the internet while they're stoned?
00:06:39I know.
00:06:43Well at highdeas, these pot heads can post their ramblings.
00:06:49>> There must be grams upon grams of weed in my carpet.
00:06:53Someone needs to invent a weed magnet.
00:06:57I must smoke my carpet weed.
00:07:01>> I'm going to buy a baby gorilla and teach him human ways.
00:07:09When it's big enough, I'm going to buy a saddle shouldn't cake, you should be jumping out of one.
00:07:31Hey, I got a new app for you. friend finder.
00:07:37♪ ♪
00:07:40♪ ♪
00:07:44You look good man!
00:07:46♪ ♪
00:07:51[ telephone rings ] [ Ashley ] HI SOBE FANS.I'M ASHLEY GREENE.
00:07:54Zero calories, zero inhibitions.
00:08:13xJxJ ?
00:09:04♪ ♪
00:09:08♪ ♪
00:09:12♪ ♪
00:09:15♪ ♪
00:09:18♪ ♪
00:09:21[ Ashley ] HI SOBE FANS,I'M ASHLEY GREENE.
00:09:24Zero calories, zero inhibitions.
00:10:33>> I came up with a concept for this tron guy costume by going to a science fiction convention.
00:10:48>> Ah.
00:10:48You don't need a time machine to know that guy got tons of ass in high school.
00:10:50Tron is a movie from the 80s where a dude gets sucked into a computer.
00:10:55To be honest, I couldn't even make it through the trailer, so I'm not entirely sure how accurately this guy has embarrassed himself, but I'm guessing he did a good job.
00:11:05There are worse movie themes tron guy could have chosen.
00:11:06He could have been: Jennifer's body guide.
00:11:12>> By the way, diablo cody -- if that is your real stage name -- you keep writing turds like this, and you're going to have to return that oscar and hop back on that pole for those two for ones.
00:11:18[Laughter] but I digress.
00:11:21What really amazes me is how famous tron guy has become.
00:11:24Since when did making a tron costume or carrying a light saber, turn you into a celebrity?
00:11:28I've always looked up to people who could slay - not dragons.
00:11:35But in their defense, playing magic the gathering is no different than playing fantasy football or watching porn.
00:11:39It's all just a way to escape reality.
00:11:44Tron guy doesn't care what you think.
00:11:45He just genuinely loves tron, and I respect that.
00:11:47I used to be deep into the club scene, so I know how it feels to dress like a douche bag.
00:11:52[Laughter] [applause] that's why I decided to beam jay, aka tron guy, to hollywood in this week's web redemption.
00:12:07[Applause] >> hello.
00:12:16Has the tron party of two shown up?
00:12:23>> Tell me why you love the movie tron.
00:12:25>> Tron really caught my imagination.
00:12:29But I never had any outlet.
00:12:37A science fiction about computers and movie would be great inspiration.
00:12:40>> Looks like spandex and hockey equipment.
00:12:45>> A great description.
00:12:47This color of paint I picked because I thought it closely matches the color.
00:12:52These are football shoulder guards.
00:12:54This is wire that is threaded through holes.
00:12:56The helmet, it's a hockey helmet.
00:12:59This is the same hockey helmet that is used in the movie.
00:13:03>> Do you read what people write?
00:13:04>> I do.
00:13:05But I decided that in the end, i was going to have fun my way.
00:13:11If they didn't like it, it was their problem.
00:13:12>> Who is laughing now?
00:13:13>> Exactly.
00:13:14I'm talking to a guy here on comedy central.
00:13:17>> A guy.
00:13:18Are you ready to begin our train something.
00:13:21>> Let's do it.
00:13:22>> Let's play frisbee.
00:13:24>> It's an identity disc.
00:13:27>> Does tron have any -- >> heads-up.
00:13:29>> That was lousy, wasn't it?
00:13:35>> Good catch!
00:13:36>> Boy, that was useless.
00:13:38>> Enough of the identity disc.
00:13:39Let's work on your cardio.
00:13:40Have you ever been on a tron cycle?
00:13:42>> Nope.
00:13:43>> Are they fast?
00:13:44>> I'm not sure that fast holds any meaning in that universe.
00:13:49>> Ah.
00:13:50>> When you start thinking about what goes on inside a computer and turning it into something that a human sucked into a machine could understand, you have to answer with bytes.
00:14:05[Laughter] >> left, right, right.
00:14:12>> Our idea for the web redemption since you have the suit was to get you in the tron world.
00:14:17>> How does that sound to you?
00:14:18>> Fantastic.
00:14:19Hope you're up for the battle.
00:14:21>> I think I am.
00:14:22>> You look wonderful.
00:14:24You're in top physical condition.
00:14:26The world wants to know, are you ready to give it another shot?
00:14:30>> Let's do it.
00:14:31>> Good luck.
00:14:33May the force be with you.
00:14:36>> Umm!
00:14:37>> Oh, my goodness, it worked!
00:14:42Enjoy the ride, tron guy!
00:14:42[Laughter] >> I'll see him on the other side.
00:14:46[Laughter] >> now that I've entered the machine, my powers have never been stronger.
00:14:57>> Not so fast, tron guy.
00:14:58One more step and the girl gets it.
00:15:00>> Save me, tron guy.
00:15:01Save me!
00:15:03>> Let her go!
00:15:04>> First you'll have to catch me.
00:15:31>> Stay back!
00:15:36Or the girl will be de-red.
00:15:38>> That's what you think.
00:15:40>> By my power -- >> no!
00:15:48>> I love you, tron guy.
00:15:50[Applause] >> ah.
00:16:00You will be missed tron guy.
00:16:02We'll be back with fred, but 0 unsponsored prank of the week.
00:16:14>> Ahh!
00:18:32>> And now, inappropriate time to be macho man randy savage impression.
00:18:38randpa in a nursing home.
00:18:41>> I don't understand!
00:18:48>> You're going to a home, old man!
00:18:51Oh, yeah!
00:18:54>> Then a suicide attempt.
00:18:55>> I'm going to jump!
00:19:00>> Oh, the only way you're going off this roof is if I throw you.
00:19:04Oh, yes!
00:19:07>> Mowing the lawn.
00:19:11>> It looks like you missed a spot over there.
00:19:13Oh, yes.
00:19:15>> And putting the baby to bed.
00:19:18>> Oh, it's time to go to sleep, little girl.
00:19:20Oh, yeah.
00:19:22Lights out!
00:19:26>> And your randy savage macho impressions.
00:19:30Oh, yeah.
00:19:32>> Oh, yeah!
00:19:35If you think you have a more inappropriate place to do a macho man randy savage impression, film it and send it to us at
00:19:46Have you ever heard of fred?
00:19:48Me neither.
00:19:50He's the most subscribed to person on youtube.
00:19:52He's gotten over 300 million hits.
00:19:54He has a clothing line at hot topic, not to mention he as a movie deal.
00:19:59So let's take a look at what ..
00:20:01>> If you're wondering why I'm talking extraordinary right now, it's because I haven't taken my pill.
00:20:07>> Well, that will never get old.
00:20:09[Laughter] since I obviously don't get it, I invited fred for a live web chat to explain why I shouldn't hate him.
00:20:16Please welcome the youtube phenomenon, fred.
00:20:18[Applause] >> fred, you're probably pretty exciteded to be on my show.
00:20:23>> I have never heard of you.
00:20:25>> I'm excited to meet you, fred.
00:20:27>> You're talking to lucas.
00:20:29Fred is a character.
00:20:30Not real.
00:20:31>> Huh.
00:20:33Well, I asked me twitter followers if they have in questions.
00:20:37Traver 31 wanted to know if you could hold your head under water for 35 minutes.
00:20:42[Laughter] >> can you answer that?
00:20:46>> No, I can't.
00:20:49I can't hold my breath for 45 minutes.
00:20:52>> You should try.
00:20:53[Laughter] will your movie be the end of this fred thing?
00:20:57>> Yeah.
00:20:59I actually -- yeah, the fred movie will be like one of the last fred things.
00:21:03I want be doing it too much longer.
00:21:05>> Ooh.
00:21:07Thanks for coming on, fred.
00:21:08I appreciate it.
00:21:11>> Thanks for having me.
00:21:14[Laughter] >> who would've guessed he'd have a shitty internet connection?
00:21:20Well, I still don't understand why he's so popular.
00:21:23Maybe I need to check in with fred's number one fan, jake, who is a 10-year-old boy.
00:21:28Jake, thanks for being on the show.
00:21:30>> Pleasure to be here, daniel.
00:21:31>> Why is fred funny?
00:21:33>> Why is he funny?
00:21:34Because he talks like yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:38He makes weird faces.
00:21:39He has really good jokes.
00:21:43>> Okay.
00:21:44Stay off the jesus juice.
00:21:45[Laughter] >> remember to keep our secret.
00:21:49[Laughter] [applause] >> I can only hope that jake is passionate about fred.
00:22:03[Laughter] hang in there.
00:22:06It gets worse.
00:22:07[Laughter] maybe if I slow fred down I can hear what he's really saying.
00:22:13>> Obama is a muslim.
00:22:14[Laughter] show me a birth certificate.
00:22:18>> Now I get it.
00:22:20Not only is fred a comedy genius, but he's also an extreme conservative.
00:22:24[Laughter] >> did you have asparagus, oprah?
00:22:34That is rancid.
00:22:36As fred has shown us, anybody can become famous on the internet.
00:22:39All you have to do is go to our website and upload your clip for a chance to be our viewer video of the week.
00:22:44This week's winner is
00:22:49>> All right.
00:22:50So if you don't mind, I'm going to gradually weave your diagnosis into a normal every day conversation.
00:22:55>> Sounds like something we can do.
00:22:56>> Sure.
00:22:57How are you?
00:22:59>> Fine.
00:23:00>> That's weird.
00:23:01Because you have leukemia.
00:23:01[Laughter] >> whoo-hoo!
00:23:09[Applause] >> thanks, guys!
00:23:13We'll be right back with more reno 911!
00:23:15Too soon.
00:24:10[ sighs ] I can't throw this out.
00:24:12[ elevator bell dings ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:24:19[ women screaming ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:24:23help! help!
00:24:25♪♪ ♪♪
00:24:30♪♪ ♪♪
00:26:55>> welcome back.
00:26:57How were the commercials?
00:27:01[Laughter] I think that's funny.
00:27:03It's been a great summer for celebrity death pools.
00:27:05I went 16-0.
00:27:07It's too easy.
00:27:090 created the first celebrity suicide pool.
00:27:13[Laughter] go to our website to give us your picks.
00:27:15A few rules.
00:27:16Accidental overdoses do count.
00:27:19[Laughter] he took a fistful of pills.
00:27:25He knew how that nap would end.
00:27:26[Laughter] but reality stars do not count as celebrities.
00:27:33They don't count, so don't pick 'em.
00:27:35[Laughter] and while I hope no one wins, if anyone knows mishca barton -- could you please remind her that she has nothing to live for because I could really use that $50.
00:27:46[Laughter] and if she does kill herself, don't worry.
00:27:49I will use that $50 for a charity.
00:27:54[Laughter] thank you so much for watching.
00:27:56Make sure you watch next week when I head to adultcon to teach porn stars a thing or two about fetishes.
00:28:01And we also give the backyard wrestler a web redemption.
00:28:11>> My guys!
00:28:11Don't worry, wrestling's fake.
00:28:14[Laughter] and don't forget to go to our 0 to submit your inappropriate "macho man" randy savage impressions.
00:28:22Also, follow me on twitter and check my tour dates so I can offended you in person.
00:28:25Last episode I asked you to guess what castro and I were looking at.
00:28:30Out of the 1,700 who submitted an answer, over 350 of you guessed I was looking at a penis.
00:00:00] >> oh!
00:00:12[Audience clapping] >> yes.
00:00:14Ah, what's more annoying.
00:00:15Monkeys having sex on your car, or listening to your wife and her friends cackle in your ear.
00:00:17Two pump chimp.
00:00:22Do you need more proof that we've descended from monkeys?
00:00:25After he finishes, he immediately takes a nap.
00:00:30Talk about your rough rider he's hitting it bear-back.
00:00:32That's risky.
00:00:35I don't mean to stereotype, but she looks like she has aids.
00:00:40She does!
00:00:45That ass was infected.
00:00:45>> Alright.
00:00:46Here's a question we've all asked ourselves.
00:00:49How many unemployment checks does it take to make your car do this?
00:01:01[Laughing] yeah!
00:01:03Get it!
00:01:04Oh man, even their cars jump higher.
00:01:09I think that transformer's retarded.
00:01:12Rebuilding your car is so much more fun than rebuilding your community.
00:01:20Believe it or not, there is a practical reason to install hydraulics >> monkey do not have sex on my car.
00:01:29>> Today was a good day.
00:01:37I'll bet you didn't know that i was half cholo .
00:01:39Elbows out.
00:01:44>> If you give the teacher in this next video an apple, chances are, he'll make a bong out of it.
00:01:52>> Bmmm.
00:01:55>> Boston is a great city.
00:01:56I love to go to old churches.
00:02:01God, I'm having major memory losses today.
00:02:05Grab this one.
00:02:12I bet that's where dre got his doctorate.
00:02:16>> The clip is funny if you're stoned and even funnier if your parents pay for college.
00:02:21Actually, this is one of the harder classes at arizona state.
00:02:24There's two rules to his class: 1) Be on time, and 2) be cool, bro.
00:02:26Be cool.
00:02:28>> I actually audited that class.
00:02:50>> Hey.
00:02:53I love to go to old churches.
00:03:00You ready for curse words?
00:03:02>> Yes!
00:03:05Remember kids, weed is against the law, but getting piss-drunk and walking into a 7-11 is completely legal.
00:03:15>> Ah.
00:03:15Have you seen this?
00:03:19It's so funny when david hasselhoff gets drunk because we all know no one's at risk because kitt can drive himself.
00:03:29Alright, let's put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many funny comments we can post.
00:03:34Obviously, he has a history of bad decisions starting with his ponytail.
00:03:40A couple appletinis does the exact same thing to me.
00:03:46He's not that drunk.
00:03:47He just walked right past those gas station hot dogs.
00:03:49Looks like he's getting his ass kicked by a ghost patrick swayze no, no but patrick " maybe he got a flu shot and his body's reacting badly to it.
00:04:05>> Have you seen that video?
00:04:05Go to youtube.
00:04:06Check it out.
00:04:08Hot chick?
00:04:10>> Guess who's never getting a flu shot again?
00:04:13Me or anyone I date.
00:04:14>> Walk backwards.
00:04:19I'm sorry hold on.
00:04:210 for some breaking news from canada.
00:04:22Let's go live.
00:04:25>> So I've got my trustee stopwatch and here they come down the hill.
00:04:31It looks like ruben is in the lead, and here comes -- >> ah, I'd watch nascar if the announcers would call it from the track.
00:04:39Let's learn how a sled almost turned this dan rather wannabe into a snow angel in this week's breakdown.
00:04:52Poor rob leth -- just a young canadian reporter wearing a giant goose down parka.
00:04:54There's no shortage of dangerous assignments he could get -- the war in afghanistan, the drug cartels in mexico, figuring out what that crap is on seal's face.
00:05:04But instead, he does a puff piece about an inner tube race.
00:05:08Because the public has a right to know.
00:05:15>> So I've got my trustee stopwatch, and here he comes down the hill.
00:05:21Starts out like any other news day in canada -- slow.
00:05:23I just wanna know how rob's gonna use his trusty stopwatch with mittens on.
00:05:27>> It looks like reuben is in the lead.
00:05:33Reuben is closing in quick!
00:05:34Move, bitch, get out the way, get out the way, bitch, get out the way!
00:05:38>> This is just like that fake kobe bryant commercial.
00:05:51Aye, kobe, next time try it over .. that's pulling an rv that's connected to a wood chipper.
00:05:58>> Alright.
00:05:58Back to the video.
00:05:59Oh he drops the stopwatch.
00:06:01Oh no, now where never going to find out if rueben has the course record.
00:06:05But he did pull off the backside rodeo flip!
00:06:07Good thing they have free health care in canada.
00:06:09Show it again.
00:06:14At least the flip put rob's hood on his head for him.
00:06:16That's probably his dead mother saying, "bundle up, son.
00:06:18I still love you.
00:06:23Those were butterfly kisses.".
00:06:26Alright, one more time, just in case rob is watching from his wheelchair.
00:06:36Consider yourself lucky.
00:06:36Anderson cooper's been searching his whole career for a story where he gets nailed by a young man .
00:06:39Was that below the waist?
00:06:45>> That was a bad idea.
00:06:47Wrong, that was a great idea!
00:06:49And like any true professional, rob managed to fight through the internal bleeding long enough to sign off.
00:06:54And for that, we thank you.
00:06:57[Clapping and cheering].
00:07:02>> Coming up, we give the trampled cheerleader a web redemption, but first, here's your urban dictionary word of the day.
00:07:05>> Cosby sweater, the act of eating boo berries that save - on motorcycle insurance, rv, camper, boat insurance. nice work, everyone.
00:09:36 he's a cute little lizard.
00:09:40 ah, gecko, actually - with all due respect, if I was tiny and green and had a british accent I'd have more folks paying attention to me ..
00:09:47I mean - (faux english accent) "save money!
00:09:47" exec 2: british? I thought you were australian.
00:09:52 'cause actually, I'm from - fifteen minutescould save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
00:10:13>> It's not funny.
00:10:20She's gonna be out 4 to 6 weeks with a broken spirit.
00:10:23>> Cheerleaders accounts for over 60 percent of all female high school sports injuries.
00:10:25True stat.
00:10:28It is also responsible for over 85 percent of all high school pregnancies.
00:10:35Made up stat.
00:10:35I'm all for girls slutting it up on the sidelines, but these days there's only one lady I want to see in a skimpy outfit on the field.
00:10:42Da da da.
00:10:43Da da da.
00:10:48The truth is, cheerleading is pretty much only good for one thing, and that's teaching girls with small boobs how to make up for it by being really flexible.
00:10:56Do we need cheerleaders?
00:10:56Is anyone confused about the appropriate time to cheer?
00:11:00I know who to root for, that's why I teased the line down to 3 and put a grand on indy to cover.
00:11:05And stop yelling at the players to, "be aggressive, be be " I'm pretty sure the coach passed along that little strategic nugget back in the locker room.
00:11:15You're there to look hot during timeouts.
00:11:17Unless you're a base.
00:11:18Then you need to be thick enough to hold up the hot cheerleaders so we can see them better and pretend you're not there.
00:11:27Sure, cheerleaders can be annoying, but no one deserves to get trampled by a football team, ..
00:11:36Ah, there's only one october, and thanks to your incessant promos, mine was ruined.
00:11:40>> But calli the cheerleader doesn't have an unwatchable talk show that feels like a street party in a bad neighborhood.
00:11:47So we invited her to join the 0 squad for another chance to, "work it, hey hey, yeah work it" in this week's web redemption.
00:11:57[Clapping and cheering] >> alli, run through.
00:12:05>> Ahhh!
00:12:08Tell me about the infamous night.
00:12:10>> It was homecoming night and our cheer team was holding up the banners for the run through.
00:12:16There wasn't any holes like there were signs so you run through it it's easier to break.
00:12:22>> So it was not.
00:12:24>> So you were perforating at the last minute.
00:12:26>> Yes.
00:12:27>> It seems like an awful idea.
00:12:29Do you know that football players can't see through objects.
00:12:34>> Yeah.
00:12:35>> So they had no clue you were there.
00:12:36>> They weren't supposed to come out.
00:12:42>> Typical high school students.
00:12:45>> Did you have sex?
00:12:47>> I'm not going to answer that >> I did not have sex.
00:12:51>> You didn't?
00:12:51>> Because I signed a sex promising my community I would not have sex but I had my lawyer put a revision in the contract that I could [bleep [someone.
00:13:11>> We were the black someone.
00:13:16>> We were the black ] someone.
00:13:18>> We were the black school.
00:13:23>> What did cheerleading teach you about life?
00:13:27>> Nothing.
00:13:27>> Let me finish painting this awful thing, and we'll get you out on the field and get you properly trained to relive that magical moment.
00:13:43>> You've got to work on your ability to dodge people.
00:13:47>> They're coming at you.
00:13:50>> Come on, calli.
00:13:54>> Come on.
00:13:55>> Let's go, calli.
00:14:08>> Really?
00:14:08>> Visualize yourself not get trampled.
00:14:15>> Did you do this?
00:14:15>> Probably.
00:14:16>> What's the five second rule on that.
00:14:19>> Let's go.
00:14:20Let's get change.
00:14:21A little hustle out of you.
00:14:23>> That's why you got trampled in the first place.
00:14:28>> The world wants to know are you ready to give it another shot.
00:14:32>> I'm ready.
00:14:35>> Ready.
00:14:37>> All right.
00:14:38>> Oh, wait.
00:15:02[Spn it didn't even feel close, did it?
00:15:22>> By the way, we lost that game.
00:15:23But it wasn't because of our it might have been because we only had enough money to dress six players.
00:15:26But that didn't stop us from celebrating.
00:15:32[Laughing and g groaning]aning] >> clapping and cheering] >> we'll be right back, but first here's your prank of the week, which I'm told, now has a new sponsor.
00:15:57This show is a cash cow executives at comedy central that are still on the fence about picking us up for a season two.
00:16:05>> Now it's time for the prank of the week.
00:16:14[Laughing] >> and that was the prank of the week brought to you by [laughing] >> say what you will, but those guys know how to have a good time.
00:20:02They love recreational activities.
00:20:04Maybe that's why they wanted to clear out poland -- so they could have more room to play frisbee.
00:20:12>> Alright, and now it's time, " that's where we take a video from the internet and tell you if what happens in it is real >> or fake.
00:20:25>> That's right you dip [bleep].
00:20:27It's not rocket science.
00:20:30Let's look at today's contender this isn't real -- we all know women don't poo.
00:20:50But I have a longer version that will provide everyone with all the answers.
00:21:06>> Oh my goodness.
00:21:08That's hot.
00:21:08>> Hot?
00:21:09>> Good one.
00:21:11>> O'brien, get in here.
00:21:13It's fake.
00:21:14It's not real.
00:21:18>> It's real hot.
00:21:20Oh man.
00:21:26>> Stop.
00:21:30Oh, oh!
00:21:33>> All right.
00:21:38Was that the lead singer of radiohead?
00:21:40Thom yorke, who kinda looks like him.
00:21:45>> If you were blown away by those special effects from the bit, you'll be happy to know we stole the graphic designer from james cameron's "avatar" money well spent.
00:21:55>> If you have a funny video go o and upload it for your chance to be the viewer video of the week.
00:22:01This week's winner is dutch west on
00:22:08>> What seems to be the problem >> I throw up when I go into detail about anything.
00:22:13>> When did this began.
00:22:15>> I guess it probably started.
00:22:21>> Thanks, guys.
00:22:21We'll be right back with more " [ sighs ] I can't throw this out.
00:23:02[ elevator bell dings ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:23:09[ women screaming ] ♪♪ ♪♪
00:23:13help! help!
00:23:15♪♪ ♪♪
00:23:20♪♪ ♪♪
00:24:30>> welcome back.
00:24:30Do you have your pajamas on?
00:24:31I do!
00:24:36Since I'm in showbiz, and I know virtually every celebrity -- bill allen, yeah, he's in my cell phone -- I asked you to send me twitter questions about famous people, and now I'm going to answer them.
00:24:46Hopefully when twitter is dead in a month or two, we won't have to do this segment any more.
00:24:53Alright, this question I got a lot of variations of.
00:24:57Does lady gaga actually have a discostick (ie: penis)?
00:25:01I actually asked her, but i couldn't tell if she was lying because she has a great p-p-p-poker face, >> alright, how does a not so funny douche get his own show on comedy central?
00:25:15Okay, that's not very nice.
00:25:16Demtri martin is a wonderful person.
00:25:19I don't appreciate you implying that.
00:25:26If you were locked up in a room with bob saget and hitler and you had a gun with one bullet, who would you shoot?
00:25:30Okay, that is not easy.
00:25:32I would probably take hitler's head and put it next to saget's, pull the trigger, killing hitler first.
00:25:37Hopefully the bullet has enough speed to also kill bob saget, if not kill him, at least alter his personality greatly.
00:25:47>> Which baldwin brother could you see yourself sleeping with?
00:25:51By sleeping, do you mean pound town?
00:25:54Alec, is un-gettable, agreed.
00:25:56Stephen is a jesus freak.
00:25:57It's not gonna happen.
00:26:00Daniel, I'm no chubby chaser.
00:26:03That leaves us with billy, yes, billy.
00:26:05You were so fantastic in " you and a bed is like watching a cheetah, prey on something less than a cheetah.
00:26:19Ah, my ad lib skills are sharp tonight, boys.
00:26:21>> How does brendan fraser keep getting work?
00:26:24Well, who has seen "encino man" knows he gets a lifetime pass.
00:26:28That is the greatest movie ever.
00:26:29Oh, man.
00:26:30Holy cow.
00:26:32"Did you know they're running " >> would you touch pam anderson's boobs if given the opportunity?
00:26:41Pam is a sad, sad monster at this stage of her life.
00:26:45That being said, I'd motor boat the [bleep] out of them.
00:26:50Is ole anderson getting a mention on this week's show?
00:26:55>> Oh, oh, oh.
00:26:56Is that you arn anderson.
00:26:57The four horsemen have fallen my friend.
00:27:01>> Ah, am I still wearing this?
00:27:05It's so ugly!
00:27:07I know.
00:27:09I'm surprised it doesn't have mittens attached .
00:27:16We need more money.
00:27:19Be sure to join us next week for our season finale when we give web redemptions to michael richards and the star wars kid.
00:27:26Plus, brad pitt and david beckham live on this stage.
00:27:33Lineup subject to change.
00:27:34>> Remember to follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the show.
00:27:36And make sure you check out my tour schedule.
00:27:38Go to our website to see extended interviews from our web redemptions and follow our daily blog.
00:27:44Thanks, everybody, for making jeff dunham comedy central's #1 show.
00:27:47See you next week.